• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Summer123

How could something so wonderful turn into a disaster?

16 posts in this topic

I met this guy on a singles cruise over a year ago in 2012. I thought he was so nice & wonderful. I didn’t think I was going to see him after the cruise. One of my friends was getting married and I invited him to the wedding. He lived about 4 ½ hrs from me. He decided to take an airplane because it would be faster. I was really excited & picked him up at the air port. Everything went fine that weekend. We had planned a trip to go away for Memorial Day weekend. On the trip for Memorial Day out of the blue he decided he was going to break up with me. Later he changed his mind & said that was a good idea. I thought it was kind of weird; maybe it was kind of early in the relationship.

We went to Bermuda in June. That was a disaster. He said he quit smoking but never did. I thought the reason why he was being so mean was because he wasn’t smoking. I was going to make a reservation at the resort for the restaurant and he started yelling do it yourself and stormed off. He decided not to talk to me the whole time at dinner. The next day we were on the beach and he wanted to go snorkeling and went. I then said lets go on the ferry. He said I don’t want to go on the f*** ferry you go yourself. 15 mins later he said lets go on the ferry. At night he was reading a book under the light and told me not to bug him. At the airport he was reading the book & told me to be quiet. After the plane landed on the way back to my house he decided to break up with me again. 30 mins later he changed his mind.

I rented a town house July 4th weekend. My friend & I were going to stay a week. We got down there on Sunday. He was supposed to show up on Friday but showed up with his friend on Wed. I didn’t even know who was at the door. He said he decided to surprise me. I didn’t know what to say. The next day a bunch of us went to the beach. It was kind of a far walk so he had to drive. A kid walked in front of his car so I honked his horn. He said lady dog don’t touch my horn it is not yours and started yelling. Later on we were at the bar. He signed the wrong amount on the recite. I changed it. He was like lady dog don’t you ever touch my recite. Then we walk back to the place. We get back & my friend had brought some random guy back with her. He started smoking weed. I yelled at him & told him to get out of my place. He goes outside with my bf, my bf’s friend & they smoke it with him. My bf comes back inside and was talking really loud to his friend. I don’t want to sleep with that crazy lady dog. Next day acts like nothing ever happened.

I tried to talk to him, he would not let me. He would say, you’re busting my balls, I don’t need a second mom, you can’t fix me, you’re controlling, I don’t have time for your BS. When I am talking to him on the phone if he doesn’t like the conversation he will hang up on me. Then say I don’t feel like talking about this right now. If he didn’t want to hear what I was talking about he would huff and puff in the middle of my conversation. Or be like why I want to hear about this. He would also cancel trips that we were going on, told me not to plan anymore. He would tell me he loved me. Then when he got mad he said I am not telling you I love you because you just get confused.

You’re wondering why I didn’t just walk away. When I decided to go back out with him after a month went by he said he would work on his behavior. At first he was fine but then it came back. New years, we got a hotel and went out to eat had a good time the next day he had an attitude. Valentine’s Day I bought him a box of candy. He said is that all you got me you made out way better you got a bracelet and a nice dinner. Everything seemed to always be about him. Example: I had a rough week at work; I had a long week. Sometimes he drinks too much and drinks and drives. I dont understand why he has to call all the shots. Why can't he just relalize he did something wrong. Why do I always have to say I am sorry? It gets so exhausting. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I wake up and wonder why and why did this have to happen to me? How do people get like this? In about a week he is going to try to come back. He has been doing the same thing for awhile. He thinks that enought time went by & I am just going to forgot his behavior.

I bought my own home when I was 29 years old and now I am 37, have 2 cars, and a college degree. He still lives with his parents and has an old beat up truck. He can’t seem to save up any money which I don’t understand. His parents used to be alcoholics and his mom still drinks 6 beers a day. I think I am a target for him because I am very positive and I don’t let anything get to me. I always look on the bright side of things. I don’t understand how someone can act like this. I really need some advice. I always feel like I did something wrong when in my heart I know I haven’t.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My advice? Run, don't walk away from this guy and never look back. He's telling you who he is, loudly and clearly. You should do some reading on verbal and emotional abuse. He has all the marks of an abuser. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You have done nothing wrong!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Summer,

I must admit I would advise the same as BK. Run. Sadly this is a relationship that will not get better because this guy has serious emotional and control issues that he is extremely unlikely to ever deal with. Messing with you and playing mind games with you is his way of dealing with the world while avoiding facing up to his own issues.

Abusive relationships are rarely that from the outset. They do tend to start out well, may even seem too good to be true and develop very quickly. Being nice is hard work for an abuser so he needs to hook you in quickly. An abuser tends to be attracted in a shallow way declaring love very early in the relationship and often putting the target of their affection up on a pedestal. Sadly this whirlwind romance starts to crack pretty quickly as no partner ever meets his idea of perfection for very long.

This guy's flip flopping between relationship on and off and between civil and angry is all about him and has nothing to do with you or with anything you have said or done. The behaviour he has been displaying is him, it is who he is and who he will be. The only likely change over time is that his behaviour will become worse as abuse does escalate.

I would advise you to get yourself some books on abuse as they can help you understand just what you are dealing with. Our Library is a listing of books that members have found helpful and can be found here. Why does he do that? - by Lundy Bancroft is a good place to start. Having a solid network of support in place can help you get through this. If you don't have friends or family you can seek support from then I suggest you contact your local domestic violence organisation. You do not need to have been hit to seek advice or a listening ear.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Summer,

Unfortunately, that's my advice too. What he is displaying is not normal. You deserve so much better. The fact that you are asking the question should indicate that something is seriously wrong. Listen to you gut instinct. I wish I had.

I was 24 when I met my husband. I had a bachelor and graduate diploma degrees, and I had a very good job. While I was only renting on my own, I had no debt and was well on my way to having a deposit on a house.

B was 33 and working 6 days a week to earn the same as you'd get on centrelink (like welfare but a bit different, the Aussie version). He had never studied but seemed bright and he worked so hard. I admired his work effort and dismissed his lack of career due to a lack of guidance (no dad and his mum seemed disinterested).

Within 2 to 3 months of us getting married he quit his job for 18 months, decommissioned his car (and used mine at my expense), and I found out he was using drugs. He explained he had hidden the drugs as he knew I wouldn't have married him if I'd known. He did little to no housework / cooking / contribution to our living standard, and was the messiest person I have had the misfortune to have known. Within that time his grandmother passed away and he inherited enough for a house deposit, so we bought. But I could not maintain my job and the house, so it has fallen into disrepair.

Fast forward a few years (I'm now 30) and I started to fear his raging would result in him physically hurting me or my dogs, so I've left him. I'm now stuck because I co-own a house with him. He will not let me go and openly admits to me that threats and carrying out threats is a means by which he will get what he wants (back with me). Now burdened with paying the full mortgage, I can't afford to do anything legally, and he WILL NOT negotiate with me. I'm now seriously considering defaulting on the mortgage just to get out of the joint contract.

I'm not trying to scare you Summer, I'm trying to highlight that your gut instinct that he is targeting you because of what you can give him should not be ignored. It is so far from me to think of doing that to another person, that I didn't even consider taking my concerns seriously because I didn't think anyone (let alone the man I loved) would do that to me. However here I am.

I always look on the bright side of things.

I think the best of people too, unfortunately that made me naive about what other people are capable of.

Take your time and read as much as you can. Please, PLEASE do not commit yourself in any way until you are completely satisfied.

Kind regards,

Escapee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe he showed you his good side just wait till the magic rolls off. You can imagine how you will feel after years and years of this stuff. Whatever feeling you have after you leave him will soon be gone and the first guy to have to show you proper respect do not just fall for. Make sure you have many things in place. Look at the quality you desire then realize none of these things are what you mentioned of your boyfriend. Put your running sneakers on and run in zig zags.

Run run run!!!

People that say they need to work on there behavior and do nothing to educate them self the higher sources. Do not trust mere words. Action is behavior his action said he is emotional, lazy, irrational, judgemental, not a man of his word, Many things! He has not earned your trust he has done a horrible job at showing love and support. Remember this you teach people how to respect you by what you accept and allow.

Chavah

PS welcome to the boards stay with use and learn why you should run.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read a book called Stop walking on eggshells. I am not a doctor but I think he has BPD. There are a lot of examples in the book that pretain to his behavior. I read a book about verbal abuse awhile ago. A lot of the things he says are verbal abuse. The blame is always placed on me no matter what.

At first he was really nice. It was like almost to good to be true. The last straw was when we were supposed to go on a trip and 3 days before it, he goes and cancels it and calls me a lier for no reason. How to do get over it when some one treats you this bad? I have nightmares about it.

Summer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At first he was really nice. It was like almost to good to be true. The last straw was when we were supposed to go on a trip and 3 days before it, he goes and cancels it and calls me a lier for no reason. How to do get over it when some one treats you this bad? I have nightmares about it.

Even if he has PTSD, he shouldn't be verbally abusing you. Patients with PTSD certainly has issues, but they don't have to abuse their partners and family.

It's hard to get over being called a liar and being treated poorly by someone you love. If you're having nightmares, you should seek some support (even if you weren't having nightmares, I'd suggest it). Most domestic violence centers have counseling-and they're very familiar with verbal abuse (it always precedes physical abuse). There is nothing shameful about seeking their support.

If the domestic violence center doesn't offer counseling, they can refer you to someone who does specialize in treating those who have experienced verbal and emotional abuse.

I have never regretted the counseling I got after I ended my verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. Without working through some issues that led me to accept my xh bad behavior, I would not have the confidence I have today or the healthy romantic relationship I have today.

Finally, you're probably right about being targeted-you're accomplished, smart, and are many things he can't or won't ever be. We've noticed over the years that many abusers target really nice, smart, attractive, and very loving partners.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Summer, Agree with the others RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

He seems to be nothing but heartache, drama, games, insults, manipulative, inconsiderate.

I dont see much positive in what you posted about him, so what is the attraction exactly?

And are you footing the bill for all these trips?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Summer, if this is the way he is behaving after a year and a half, I can't imagine what it will be like after 5 years. You are not talking about one isolated incident of him treating you poorly....it is a pattern. That is abuse...a pattern. Run before you invest more time and effort into this relationship...you deserve much better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Vicky, I didnt pay for any of the trips. He wouldnt let me pay. Some times he is really nice. Other times he isnt. His favorite thing to say is your playing the victim card.

Summer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Summer,

I'd like to point something out to you, that was really hard for MY logical mind to grasp. Not one single person here is saying "stay" or "give it time" or "those sometimes that he is nice are worth all the other sometimes when he is not nice at all". I know you are going to do what is right for you, on your own personal timetable. But please, please read what has been written to you. I 100% double dog promise you he's an abuser, and he's told you very loudly and very clearly that this is who he is. Listen to him, even if it is hard to listen to the unanimous advice of a group of women who truly have "been there, done that".

80% good and 20% bad is not good enough. 100% good is what you are worth, and not a bit less.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Summer,

I'm just going to answer directly the original question in the title:

"How could something so wonderful turn into a disaster?"

The answer is: Because it never really was wonderful in the first place.

What he presented to you - the "wonderful" parts - were fake. Just fake, to reel you in.

It was not the reality.

The reality is the "disaster" part. And it didn't turn into that... it just revealed, when the layers of fakeness came off.

When you are seeing the "bad parts," that's when you are seeing the reality of who he is and what is going on.

The "good parts" are just band-aids applied to try to distract you from seeing the bloody mess they conceal.

:(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is verbal abuse a learned behavior? Will the ex bf verbal abusive the next girl he goes out with? I think about all of the natsy things this guy has said and done to me. A tornado had hit my house and I was in shock. I wasnt in the house when it happened. I missed the tornado by 15 mins. There were a lot of repaires that had to be done to the house. He told me to stop talking about and didnt want to hear about it anymore. It was a terrible disaster and I needed to talk about it.

summer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you read or watched the Patricia Evans material? There's a lot of good freebies on YouTube by her that are really helpful.

I saw a guy on a motorcycle get hit right in front of my car, a piece of his bike actually hit the front of my tires. I was really shook up. I saw his body fly and hit the ground, roll and his head slamming the cement with every turn. I still don't know to this day if he lived or died, I searched the papers later and didn't see anything, so I think he lived. BUT the incident REALLY traumatized me. an hour or so later, my Ex was telling me to "get over it" like it was no big deal and I shouldn't be upset by it!!

These guys think that our brains and our emotions should work on a schedule that's convenient to THEM. I.e. if THEY aren't upset by it, we don't have a right to be and if we are, we need admonished and corrected by them. We daren't inconvenience them with what upsets us or traumatizes us. It's just another way of them telling us that WE don't matter, OUR feelings don't matter, the fact I saw a serious accident didn't matter, the fact that your house was damaged didn't matter. Because YOU don't matter to him and YOUR feelings don't matter. The only time your STUFF matters is if it's important to HIM.

YOU are not important to him. The ways you can BENEFIT him are important to him, but you yourself, don't matter.

And no, there's no cure to make him realize how valuable you are. And yes, he'll do the same thing to his next girlfriend and to any children that are unfortunate enough to be born to him in the future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He will abuse the next girl, yes. It's just the way he is. It's more an entirely different mindset, in his core, than just a learned behavior.

Of course you needed to talk about that disaster - it was horrible! One of the hallmarks of an abuser is lack of empathy.

If you can obtain and read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, it is very revealing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Summer123 I'm so sorry you came across him....bad luck.

Agree with everything the others have said - RUN!!!!!!!!! And don't look back!!!! And have no contact whatsoever so that he can't suck you back in - you know he knows exactly what tactics to use on you because he's done it before.

And don't feel pity for him or his "issues", whatever they are. You can't fix him and trust me, it will get worse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0