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HanginOn

My Husband had me arrested

255 posts in this topic

HanginOn,

How do you see yourself? Do you see yourself as a second class citizen, or a bad person you wouldn't want to associate with?

I only ask because I thought of myself as a traitor and unworthy. The fact that other people seemed to reflect that opinion just confirmed what I thought. For me, I can live with knowing I'm not something when someone else thinks I am. But, when I feel a certain bad thing about myself and other people reflect that, I feel like all my bad points are on display for the world to see. That makes me feel even worse. I'm only now starting to learn how to love myself.

I know it's hard not to care what other people think. But people will have their own opinions. I think the hardest part is not to guess what they are thinking all the time. Try not to think too much. When you find yourself imagining the worst, try and think of other possible explanations too.

This probably isn't helping very much, I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. But it is so important for you to focus on what you think of yourself. If you are disappointed in how you've been behaving, then encourage yourself in the fact that you are disappointed! Because it takes a special person to be able to self-reflect and improve themself. It shows you care.

I need to head off now, but I wanted to respond straight up. I'll think some more and if I have anything to add I'll come back and do so.

Be kind to yourself HanginOn, I've heard it over and over again, and it is so true. After being abused for so long, a persons self-esteem goes through the floor. It is vital to be kind to yourself.

I'll keep praying for you, Escapee

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Men are not calling the police to be protected or because they're injured. They're calling because they can USE THIS IN DIVORCE COURT. That is the ONLY reason they do it. Believe me. It's the only LEGAL WAY they can abuse/control. It's VERY legal and VERY effective.

Tal

Hear Hear!!!

Your H knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He didn't for one second fear for his life due to you putting your hands on him. Not for ONE SECOND. (Yet you live in fear of him every second of your life; You don't make a single simple decision without thinking how it will effect him. BTDT)

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Men are not calling the police to be protected or because they're injured. They're calling because they can USE THIS IN DIVORCE COURT. That is the ONLY reason they do it. Believe me. It's the only LEGAL WAY they can abuse/control. It's VERY legal and VERY effective.

This is what you need to tell your friends, H'on. They don't understand what's going on in your marriage because they know nothing of abuse or the legal system with regard to DV. They're just uninformed.

When women call the cops and their spouses are arrested they almost ALWAYS don't want to press charges. When men do it they virtually ALWAYS want to press charges. It's a statisical FACT.

Tal

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That's right.. He didn't do it because he was afraid... He did it to get you back under his control...to "punish" you and make you submissive. It was a power ploy, pure & simple.

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H'On,

How are you today? I am sorry to hear about the way your friends have been responding to what has happened to you. It must be very difficult.

I hope you can reflect on what has been said here, since your last post. My wish for you is that you can grab hold of that righteous anger.

It is hard for those who have not experienced abuse to understand the extent to which it robs you of just about everything about yourself. I have been "out" nearly four years now and just last summer my sister, to whom I am very close, became very judgemental about the way I handled my separation and divorce. She wanted me to be more of a barracuda. I remember she was angry with me and that set me off. But in a good way. I said to her "How dare you judge me! You who have had a happy stable marriage to a good man, all these years...how dare you judge the way I have handled myself. Have you ever gone through a divorce? Have you EVER been abused by your husband the way I have been abused? Then you have absolutely no right to judge me".

In the end, we were able to have a talk regarding my reality and i believe she sees me in a new, and better light. But she had to be jolted out of her preconceived notions regarding how things were for me. My righteous anger at her judgmental treatment of me did that, along with her love for me.

How does your husband appear to others? Is he like Mooch, -does he come across as a kind and gentle soul, one that no-one could imaging being abusive? If so, then your friends who know him are most assuredly having trouble marrying what their experience of him has been with what you have told them has happened. Think about how shook up you are in realizing the extent to which your husband is abusive. And you have lived it. My guess is that you did a good job of keeping much of your abusive relationship away from your friends. To them, this situation appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I am sure it has them shaken. I am not trying to defend them, but actually encouraging you to see it a little bit differently...their reaction to this has very little to do with you and how much they care for you, and everything to do with the shocking nature of what has happened to you. I would bet that, given time, they will come around.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((H'on))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

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Oh, I forgot to add that after I got over the initial shock of what happened to me, I started telling my story. Inevitably I would hear "I don't understand why women just don't leave", or "I don't understand why you just didn't call the cops on him". Being able to educate people about the dynamics of abuse, through the telling of my story and the answering of their questions has been very healing for me.

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Oh! and one MORE thing... :laughing-smiley-014:

As part of my signature I have the following. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn, and remember, but it is so very true:

"If you’re in an abusive relationship, what you must never, ever forget about your man is that he lies to you every time he looks at you. His whole life is a lie to you, himself, and everyone else in the world. An abusive man who is being charming or cute or funny or sentimental or sorry is like one of those wax hamburgers that restaurants use to illustrate their menus. They have virtually everything going for them—except that they aren’t hamburgers. They’re pretend hamburgers. They’re pretend delicious. They’re pretend nutritious. They have no more relationship to real food than a mannequin has to real people." -John Shore

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Beautiful post Grabofjoy!

One of the most shocking things I went though when I decided to divorce my N EX BRAINDEADMAN is that I wanted to leave in tack the good that I worked hard for. I even asked everyone to be civil to my EX as we sort it out. Then he spent time with my father in law and told him tons of lies. He made it sound like I was making all this stuff up. He played on the fact the he had a mother leave him and now it was me leaving my son. I never left my son. I was leaving my EX. We would have to take time with visitation. We could not split him in two. So he hornswoggled him into a bitter perspective. Then the next thing I knew is my father in law banned from his house. I stomped over there and confronted him. I wailed and screamed at him. Saying I AM A GOD FEARING CHRISTIAN WOMAN!!! I can not make a man love me and I am not EVIL. I have lived with very emotionally cruel things and how dare you turn your back on me. I am not welcome in my own mom's house. You have helped a evil man hurt me deeper. SHAME ON YOU!!! I screamed it through the door and my mother apologize to me as I balled and was not allowed at my moms home. I said sorry mom I am not trying to create a rift in your marriage but I needed to confront him. I left and let me tell you it hurt. I could not believe I had almost nowhere to go and now I did not have the support of my own mother. He sat there and had some more bonding time with my father in law and my own mother was budding up with his new wife. In the love of her grandson. He was stealing my family and turning them against me. WITH LIES and a bitter perspective!!!

My father in law felt bad and never fully apologized but he knows he did wrong and will never do it again. He calls me his daughter now. My mom said the shame that fell on them was so devastating when the veil lifted and saw they were lied to. When the NPD turn on them and banded them. Well that is what NPD do when you do not serve the purpose you're gone. I did not quit, in calm voice, explained things as they happened. I had to let people processes this disaster their way. Some people did a really cruddy job at that too! I moved really far away from my family and well. My mom is poor but she did save to do a vacation to come see me.My father in law while my mom was here went into heart surgery. He almost died. My mom stayed another two weeks. She flew home with my son and then joined her husband later. By not requiring her to leave ASAP and completing her stay I think he showed forgiveness. That was apology enough.

I did not get an apology but I did get my family back and they love me.

I hope you have support of some kind. You can not say how people will react. All you can do is plug away in a calm manner and work towards resolves. I think sometime you have to teach people to look for deeper answers. I even went to the lengths to put real documents in front of people to get them to know when they are being lied to. He it will eventually come out and what can you do. The more you chip away at it the more you make it so that the perpetrator has less ability to manipulate you. Try to fix him where he can not put his own adjective in. Set the define everything get written everything. Document everything. Show real proof not verbal. When they become fixed then they have to start walking straight. Then you will have a little room to start rebuilding from wherever you are.

I made it clear to my family that that I will not tolerate them not validating me. They have to acknowledge me and know I am not a child I am an adult whatever they do to me they do to my child and I will keep them far away because my child comes first. They heard that message. I had to teach my family that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. They have to trust my perspective. They can not react any what they choose I am in the driver seat and if they do not like my decisions they will not be able to visit my son because I will not lose custody of my child because you want to have freedom to respond. I do not have this freedom myself. I can not act any way I choose therefore you can not act anyway you choose. I know what is best for my child and if you can not mimic that back then I can not trust your adult that comprehend what responsibility is. I hope you never feel the pain of your own parents taking sides against you. We are not in control of how people react but we can control ourselves. We can teach and explain to people how to process the information. One thing I had to learn was I was coming off as upset and people were reading my reaction. They were not getting what I was trying to tell them. So I needed to take a step back and think about ways to effectively teach people of the misinformation they received and how to put it together with the correct information. One of the way was I feel your under this perspective is this true is this how you view things? Then say what you suspect they are thinking. When they say yey or ney. Then you can go into the correct information they need to put it together. Explain that you would feel that way too unless you knew this? Then you can even go whew I am so glad you see it this way. I was worried because I am finding, I have to ask how people how they are feeling. It helps me to know that even though this event has made me stumble, that you do not think ill of me and I can come to you?

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I asked everyone to be civil to my EX as we sorted it out.
My (step)father felt bad and never fully apologized but he knows he did wrong and will never do it again. He calls me his daughter now. My mom said the shame that fell on them was so devastating when the veil lifted and saw they were lied to.

I did the same. I wanted everyone to be civil to my X. HUGE mistake. My X, on the other hand, was so smooth at getting everyone to despise me. (All of our business patrons and employees were viciously ugly to me.)

My X had my whole family so hoodwinked that it made the battle of leaving him 1000 times more difficult. Years later my father and stepmother finally realized what my X had done. But during the years of trying to get away I had to stop talking to my dad and stepmom for about 6 months. They were SOOOO destructive. I kept trying to tell them that my X was going to HURT THEIR DAUGHTER!!!!!! Argh! It's so aggravating thinking about this again.

My X once said to me, "If you tell a lie long enough it becomes the truth." A chill went up my spine upon hearing that. It then made sense as to WHY he kept lying about me and whatever happened between us. The truth didn't matter to him. WINNING did. Destroying me, to him, was paramount even if it meant his own destruction.

Tal

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I have freinds who just don't get it. They have become "arms length" friends. They refuse to understand. And I don't blame them. If I didn't HAVE to know this stuff I wouldn't WANT to either....There is so much info that I wish I didn't know...but I do know it and therefore I can help others.

My "arms length" friends are lovely people, but they are not the ones I turn to anymore when my PTSD triggery stuff comes up. They just roll their eyes and want to talk about their new house they are building or how upset they are about their kids losing another pair of mitens. That's cool. I have a whole other group of people who I can turn to and get the unconditional love and support I need...

((((((((H'on))))))) In time, your experience will simply become a chapter in your history. It will be put in perspective and it won't be what it is today. Yup, it HAS changed you, you will NEVER be who you were before it happened but that is NOT a bad thing!!!!! The person you were before was putting up with abuse, no questions, just "taking it". You are no longer that person. This experience has served to change you in a good way. If you believe God never gives us more than we can handle then He gave you this as your wake up call!

One foot in front of the other. The shame will dissapate, you will become a strong woman who knows what it is like to walk thru hell and keep walking. Your experiences will help others. Just keep taking care of yourself.

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I'm really worried about H'on. Is anyone is phone contact with her?

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Perhaps she has sought some help and can't get to a computer right now?? 90% of what we worry about never happens Tal.

Hope you can sleep at night :17403:

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My X once said to me, "If you tell a lie long enough it becomes the truth." A chill went up my spine upon hearing that. It then made sense as to WHY he kept lying about me and whatever happened between us. The truth didn't matter to him. WINNING did. Destroying me, to him, was paramount even if it meant his own destruction.

If it is hard for us to see then how much more hard is it for others that are not as close to the truth as we are. We are the ones dealing with each other decisions. We both have to be trustworthy stewards. Where this rule stops is when you learn someone has excused themselves from the rules everyone else has to follow and play by. It is call NO CONTACT!

I still have a hard time thinking someone is that aware yet they are. You have to see people for who they are sometime and action does count as truth and words. Your action is your hearts words. It is intent and desire fulfilled!

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Perhaps she has sought some help and can't get to a computer right now??

No. She's in a bad frame of mind. She's feeling worthless. She knows he's a repulsive, spineless worm and that to get away from him means losing everything. That's really hard to swallow.

Also, it's possible the he found this site or she told him about it.

Tal

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She mentioned leaving the state for a break on her last post, perhaps shes away?

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I'm O.K. (well, safe at least). Something started happening that has me pretty scared and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I've told my doctor and councilor and they are helping me with if but I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

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glad to hear you are safe. I'm glad you have talked to the doctor and counselor. I'm glad you're getting the support.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I went through places of h*ll that I didn't know existed near the end. I ended up in mental health crisis centers, and police stations. One from my emotional/mental breakdown and the other from being scared of the physical h*ll I was living in.

Just remember that you are going through a lot. And it's horrible and hard. And some of us have been there. And the sun will come out, Tomorrow. There is hope for a better future. Don't forget that you're worth it.

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I'm O.K. (well, safe at least). Something started happening that has me pretty scared and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I've told my doctor and councilor and they are helping me with if but I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

Does what's happening have to do with you or him?

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I'm so glad you're okay HanginOn, I've been worried about you. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

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Dear H'on.......you have been through so much in such a short time; and I am sure your head is really full with all the advice and information give here.......

I just want to chime in and say it is okay to just take all the information 'on board' and sit with it....

when the time is right you will be able to 'hear' what is being said and decide what rings true for you in your present circumstance...

Since you are here on this forum I am led to assume/think that you have an inkling of an idea that you are being abused. I know that I had such a hard time focusing on ME and was so focused on HIM and HIS NEEDS (and LIES) that I had a hard time hearing anything remotely related to HIM actually PLANNING his abuse...but alas it was true, and once I was ready to hear it all the information, advice and support I had read (and heard) came flooding in to my mind and I was absolutely CERTAIN that I was not crazy and that HE was intentionally hurting me..

We will be here for you throughout this process..please know that not one person here is judging you, we are just sharing our experience, strength and HOPE with you...

Many times I have upset women/men here with my words, but I can assure you my words come from a place of loving concern, and sometimes I can be very direct, as many others here are wont to be.......but again, we are concerned, we SEE what you are not yet able to see.....NO matter what you decide, we are here to support you......

BE SAFE, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know that YOU are not the one who is CRAZY......anyone living in the same situation as you would doubt themselves too, (been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the airmiles).........YOU are in a bad situation, and it is so hard to have clarity of thought when you are being systematically torn down, worn down, and told you have no worth, no value, are not loveable or believable....

BUT we see your worth, we BELIEVE you.....

*BIG WARM HUGS*

MG :hug005:

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Awe Moon Goddess that is so sweet!

You're not losing your mind your mind is starting to put it together. Your consciousness will not accept anymore lies. If it feels wrong then listen to what your insides say. give it a voice.This happened to me when I hit the end I was in an emotional checkmate. It made it so I was soooo shut down. I did feel like I was losing my mind. You know how later down the road you have had some crazy chaos in your life and find that months later your understand rolls in and you find you can reflect on those moments. Running it forward and backwards like a video recorder in your mind. That will be coming soon. You're not losing your mind.

I am encourage that your getting help. Thank you for checking in you have a lot of people that care about you that want to put our minds together to help you come up with solutions. Getting a good amount of advice it helps so much. Even if it is broad range it can have one event that changes and you be glad over that one comment and understand why that person wrote it. Then if we all echo the same thing it makes you think what are we all seeing. I wish I had this resource. I think for no advice and as fearful as I was I made some big bold decisions that worked. For yo to be getting so much direction and advice you will be able to stand. It helps to know that he is a man and no different than anyone else. If you get cleared medically and end up with psychologist writing they recommend him getting treated for NPD. The tables might turn. If he responds badly and does not do well it is possible all this might shine back on him. So stay relaxed and don't be afraid to needing time to think things over. You are allowed time to process major decisions. Try to keep a journal of you personal talks with your husband. For one since you doing some counseling this should not be an odd thing. Like we talked about this and he agreed to this on this date. Try not to leave angry stuff or hateful talk in it but simple thing you mutually agree on. This will keep you in a reality with all this information overload. The mind will record more than you can focus on. This is why we see more later. Once you process a piece it will allow you to see more later. That why some of us are so strong with knowing it was intentional.

I feel like my abuse yanked me clean out of the matrix of life. I feel like it changed how I relate to people. I am very sensitive to people that have dysfunctions. I see it quicker and I feel the pain differently. I have been trying to see pain as starting points of information. Places to start inquiry. I think this is a health way of looking at pain. To create more clear deductions and healthier outcomes.

Just know that if you have a good professional they will be able to look through the dysfunctions and see the program.

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I'm O.K. (well, safe at least). Something started happening that has me pretty scared and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I've told my doctor and councilor and they are helping me with if but I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

This is what he wants. To reduce you. Isolate you. CONTROL you. He neatly has everyone on "his side." I am going thru a similar - but not as devastating - situation. (He is just beginning the charge of me forging a signature three years ago on a credit account that TODAY he claims he was unaware of).

Try your best to recall the moments when family/friends saw his "bad" side come out. The people you may have mentioned him to. The arguements. Disagreements that left you spinning with disbelief. Try to think way back.

Mine has removed ALL evidence to the accusations. The more I look thru "momentos" the more I find that rips his accusation to shreds. I have sent the copies to my lawyer.

It is all power and control to him. You are NO longer his wife. You are his property. And an adversary. Strange, isn't it? It is almost as if he enjoys the hurt he puts you thru. For if he truly had any empathy, he would not do this to you.

You are not alone. As difficult as it might be - don't give up or give in. He will try to weaken you. Reduce you. Maybe even control your thoughts. This is all part of the process to undo YOU.

I believe many of the tactics he is using on you have been used on prisoners of war. People who have been abducted.

Take care.

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Thinking of you this morning, H'On. Please remember...

We believe you.

Love,

Grabby

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It hurts so bad... Every little reminder.. a police car, something on t.v.... the face of the man I married who put me there..... and I'm right back there again.. being handcuffed or going through the booking process, being strip searched ,,, being put in a cage... I can't live like this! When will this pain and anguish stop. and if its not pain & anguish at the forefront then it's me being consumed by anger and hatred for this man. I just want it to all go away. but it won't. It will always be there... and it's impossible for me to ever get back what he has taken from me or to ever make up for what he did to me. and it hurts SO bad.

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It can happen again! have you ever realized that?

You could be doing something with your arm and he can run into it and smack. Blame you and call the police. If you live with him you will have to overcome that fear and if you do not trust him you're not on good ground. When you live with someone you trust them. So can you start to look at doing a job that will bring in a bigger income to support your family? If you're divorcing him and you are not working you do not want to start working. They base child support off not working. I had to hold tight and not work while I was living the last few months. Have you know He did freeze the accounts and bought me and his son baloney to eat. Heaps of it! Yah he is a love.

Baloney this baloney that BALONEY!

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