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HanginOn

My Husband had me arrested

254 posts in this topic

Just got back from buying something suitable to wear to court. I hate clothes shopping anyway (gained too much weight in the last year or so) but combine the REASON I'm shopping along with having my heart assaulted by Valentines stuff in every store I was in made it pretty miserable. And I feel my self heading down pretty low again tonight. It's been really hard to control lately... I can't seem to stop at the bottom floor but continue on to the basement anymore. And yes Grabby, I do have someone I can call.. in fact, till further notice, there is someone I am calling every night to, sort of "check in" and make sure I am doing o.k. (An agreement I made with my councilor yesterday).

Met with my lawyer today. Just knowing more about how exactly things are supposed to go (procedure stuff) takes a lot of the anxiety away. He doesn't expect any surprises. He will enter my plea (not guilty) and we'll get a date for the pre-trial conference, which should be about a month out, then I will sign some papers saying I will continue to abide by my bond conditions till trial (weekly check-ins with pre-trial case manager - like probation- and I still can't leave the state without permission). Should take about 15-20 minutes. He also said that, realistically, the earliest possible point that the case might get dismissed would be at this pre-trial conference or shortly after. But he warned me that that may not happen and that there is a good chance that I will be going to trial. And the trial date would be probably be another month after the pre-trial conf.

So we're looking at this not being over till maybe late April - early May (and that is assuming I'm acquitted). I need to learn how to live my life with these charges hanging over my head. Since it all happened I haven't been able to get all this out of the fore-front of my life. But I can't live like this for 2 more months (or longer). I need to get back to some semblance of normal.... But I can't go back to what "normal" has been in my life. And I've sort of packaged dealing with my husband and the marriage and addressing the abuse I've been living with for the last 10+ years in a separate battle to be fought AFTER the legal stuff is over. But now I know that is too long to wait. And now that H has given his written statement about wanting the charges dropped - that he made a huge mistake, etc - to the D.A. I seriously doubt he will recant. Especially since he was so angry with them at the meeting (I don't think his pride would allow him to back down now). So I don't really have that hanging over my head, but I still think it would be prudent to tread lightly as far as my H goes... I mean, if things got really ugly (actively ugly) between now and the trial (or during) .... I don't think I could handle it. I'm really not sure WHAT to do on that front. Maybe I DO still need to wait. But... I'm not gonna think about that tonight. I have enough on my mind right now with the arraignment tomorrow.

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Court went well today. My lawyer was able to take care of everything in a conference room with the D.A. and then went down the hall to get the Pre-Trial Conference scheduled. I didn't even have to talk to anybody. This was all because the courtroom was way behind and backed-up about an hour. My lawyer said it went very well and he is very optimistic that they will dismiss my case at the pre-trial conference scheduled for 4/11. So yes it went well.. and I have reason to hope (cautiously), but still - I wait another month (at least) for resolution. Like I said in my previous post, I need to start living without thinking/worrying about this all the time. Can I do that?? I have a big reminder living here in my home with me. I really need to figure some things out.

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Excellent Hanging On! See, you worried SO MUCH about walking into the court room and you didn't have to SPEAK let alone WALK or SEE. This happens all the time!!! Expect NOTHING when it comes to the legal system. LOL.

So happy for you because I sensed that was going to be traumatic for you in your own mind. Tread carefully with your abuser, a month is a very short time in our lifetime. Some here have known for YEARS that they would leave and lived with their abuser while they carefully planned their escape.

i left suddenly and suffered for it, no home, no money and no plan is not a good way to go. Those who know what they are going to do, where they will go and have money saved in secret do much better. I always giggled at Dawnofman as she gleefully posted here that she had just bought new towels/furniture/ whatever for her new home with her abuser's money and he had NO IDEA!. I thought that was a perfect scenario.

Enjoy your breathing space this month!!! :bathtime: Treat yourself ever so kindly - you deserve it!! It'll lower your snapping point too.... :hug:

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You can do this. Lets hope the judge can relate to your frustration and wants to ring your husbands neck too! Lets hope he see's it!

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MY ELEVATOR IS BROKEN. My doctor said it shouldn't be going any farther down than the first floor.... But it keeps crashing to the basement! I need to get these emotions under control. I know The depth of the despair I am feeling tonight is beyond normal. I hate this. I know I'll be o.k. tonight, though. I've taken a sleeping pill and will be out soon. (and only one -- I don't have access to more than that at a time... yes I've had to take some steps). And THIS even with encouraging news today!

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He is angry because I can't "just let it go" and "move on." "IT" referring to him having me arrested and put in jail.

He gave me a nice Valentine's card and wrote in it "I love you." HOW??? HOW could he love me and DO THAT TO ME?? I wanted to throw it in the trash... but I was afraid if he found it there it would hurt his feelings. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????

AND it still hurts SO MUCH!

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Umm, yep - I've heeeeeard that one. "just let it go", "move on" - feels so insulting, so laden with guilt like you're carrying on over 'nothing'.

This is not turning out how he had planned honey, he didn't think it'd hit you this hard (is my guess), he just thought he'd play a little game, teach you a lesson, scare you back into compliance.

It's OK hon - you've made it this far. You will make it. One foot in front of the other, one moment at a time, each day will pass and you will realise this is not 'the end', this is just the beginning. It is incredibly painful but your eyes are being opened. We've all felt this horrible gut wrenching pain - and we survived it. I know there were days when I had no idea how.

You've had your eyes closed for so long that to have them forced open - even just a little bit is excruciatingly painful as the sunlight hits your eyes, so you close them again - but you've seen the light, and even though you don't want to, you have to open your eyelids again, but it's hurts so you squeeze them shut. But now you have knowledge that the light is out there and despite it being painful something inside you wants to see the light again. The you begin to realise that it's better than being in the dark and you begin to blink, you flutter in and out of the light and back into the darkness and as you adjust to the light, it doesn't hurt so much anymore, and you keep doing this until one day you realise that your eyes are open and you don't remember the world being so beautiful. Perhaps the most unfortunate thing is that the longer you have been in the dark, the more it hurts to open your eyes to the light, but you can never again deny that the light exists. That's the best way I can explain it.

Big deep breaths. Calm blue Ocean.

You are braver than you think HanginOn, this has been forced upon you rather than a gradual eye opening, sort of like you were sleeping in the darkness and whammo, your eyes were wide open with a torch an inch from your nose. YES THAT HURTS!!! Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Give yourself credit!, you are surviving. I just wish I could shoulder some of your pain, come do your dishes, mop your floor and hold your hand - tell you it'll pass!! :2: It sucks ( and you can tell us) it sucks every little bit and you are entitled to be feeling what you are....just remember your kids, you don't have a choice - you really need to be here for them.

Much love to you HanginOn

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He is angry because I can't "just let it go" and "move on."

believe you me doll, if the roles were reversed YOU would never ever ever hear the end of it..........

*HUGS*

MG

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Oh yeah...the old "just get OVER it already jeeze!!!!"

Mine actually picked up this cute littel phrase "Gosh Seren, evern JESUS was only crusified ONCE!!!!" to which I responded "You, darling, are NO JESUS"

get OVER having your husband, partner, father of your children put you in JAIL???????????????????????????? After ALL you have done for him, for your kids, for your marriage??????????????????????

Listen, HanginOn. your "elevator" keeps crashing because you are living in an abusive marraige. Once you are done with it, with him, your "elevator" will stablize and you will be the parent you are meant to be, you will be the woman you want to be and you will live a life that is beyond your wildest expectations. Please stop thinking that you are defective. You are not. Your H is. I don't even need to know him to know that he is a severely disturbed "man". I have lived enough life and known enough men to know beyond all doubt that ONLY a VERY SICK individual would have his wife arrested for ANYTHING ever. That is not loving. It is cruel. Love doesn't hurt like that.

This is NOT about you, which is both a blessing and a curse I know. This is all about him, his control, his revenge, his demnted mind.

Look at this from a true perspective, not from your perspective which is skewed. Put your sitch into the bounds of a "normal" marriage and see if your H's actions hold up to what a "nomal" H would have done. They won't.

It truly is not you. You get out of that oppressive cloud of abuse and your life will change dramatically. It just will.

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He is angry because I can't "just let it go" and "move on." "IT" referring to him having me arrested and put in jail.

He gave me a nice Valentine's card and wrote in it "I love you." HOW??? HOW could he love me and DO THAT TO ME?? I wanted to throw it in the trash... but I was afraid if he found it there it would hurt his feelings. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????

AND it still hurts SO MUCH!

This is one right out of the handbook. Tanti used to keep me up screaming and yelling over can't remember what until 2am, i'd be begging him to let me sleep because i had to get up for work. In the morning he'd be bright and cheery as if it never happened but if i still showed signs of being upset he'd say i was "holding a grudge", couldn't "let anything go" and needed to learn how to "move forward". In fact it was his catch cry if i ever brought up anything about his behaviour. What a tosser.

I found the best comeback for this was not to defend yourself, i.e. "Absolutely i'm not moving on, you had me arrested and put in jail you [insert appropriate title], i won't be moving anywhere" You have every right to be upset. He just doesn't want to hear about it, doesn't want to take the consequences for his actions hence the "just move on" line.

When coming to terms with abuse what you are discovering is the man you are married to doesn't love you, he is totally, totally selfish and will never take any responsibility for his behaviour, this is why he has no problem doing these things. This is a hard pill to swallow and yes, it hurts.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

Bounce :cheeky-smiley-005:

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It's over and I'm scared. I know my marriage is over. My H said some things to me today that confirmed some of my biggest fears about how he really feels and what he thinks of me. I don't know when things will happen. I kinda think he will stick around till my legal issues are over (and that's assuming the case is dismissed or I'm acquitted at trial). And with the kids (just one under 18) and the business (that we run together) and the rental houses and, and, and.... I don't know when or how it will all go.. But I'm scared. I feel like I won't make it -- on my own OR with him. I am so low right now... in an unsafe way. My pastor and some of my friends today wanted me to check in to our local mental health hospital for my own protection. I convinced them that I am not to THAT point yet. That I won't (o.k. I'll just put it bluntly) kill my self. It's like I am standing on the edge of a cliff... I am longing to jump, but there is a sturdy guard-rail in place to keep me from doing so... that guard-rail is my kids.. and WHAT it would do to them if I chose that way out. And I'm trying to hang on... but I sort of feel that that ending for me (eventually) really may happen. I promised my friends today that I would be careful... and that if I start feeling that guard-rail (I used the same analogy with them) weakening that I would call someone quickly - one of them or 911 for help. I would NEVER call 911, though, because they would send the police to transport me to the hospital and I will NEVER allow myself to be put in a police car EVER AGAIN!! I meant it when I promised them, though... I don't want to hurt my kids like that. And in a little while - when I'm able to go to sleep... I will have made it though another day.

Moongodess, BigGirl, Seren, Edelweiss, Bounce, Escapee and others I'm forgetting (sorry), Thank you so much for your encouragement and words of wisdom and advice. Though I've not responded to every post.. I've read every word. I really do appreciate you guys.

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Oh goodness HanginOn, I have been where you are but it wasn't such a massive shock like you are dealing with, mine was a long and protracted harassment that finally got me down, and it wasn't really HIM, it was my girls, who I felt had betrayed me with my ex H in command. Long story and a part of my life I wish to forget, but the depths I went to when I had two children sayingnthey wished to live with their father was one that seemed unbearable to a mother. All I was centered around my being a mother. It was who I was. I wanted to end my pain. Thankfully I had five other children to think of because at the time, I couldn't think of any other reason why I should stick around.

I have been following you so closely because I sense the grief that you are dealing with. In a night, everything that you held dear, was lost as far as you can see. Can I just offer you some words of wisdom that were offered to me? You have not lost anything important.

They may be hard words to swallow right now, but think on it. When all the chips are down, what is truly important to you? Your kids? Your house? Your dog? Your favorite dress?.

Some things we come to think are real, that they are forever and we have a story in our minds of how things, life should happen, maybe even from when we were very young. It's incredibly difficult when what we thought was reality crashes down around us, it's heartbreaking, but NOT worth your life. God gave you life and you do not really have permission to take it, do you? You were given free will and you CAN end your life, that will supposedly end your suffering (well, we don't have any guarantee it ends there) but what of the suffering you'd leave behind. It's not just your kids, though they would be greatly affected, likely wondering why you didn't want to stay around for them, but I doubt you realize just how far reaching your death would be. You have friends and family that care for you. I know I'm just lecturing but I want you to think about what is REALLY important. It's not things, it's people. Life is a gift. You have much of it to live.

This isn't a nice part, it's the pits, but without it you might have wasted much more of your life on this sorry excuse for a man. I hear between the lines that now HE is threatening you with ending the marriage. I've refrained from talking much about your H but now I am so appalled that I just have to come out and say "What a slimy toad!" Another poster had her H do the same recently. this "I'm going to leave you" very quickly turns into " I can't believe you're willing to give up on our marriage" when they think they have you safely back under their control. Just like he got angry and said he wouldn't talk to the DA. Of course he was going to, it served his own self interest he just wanted you to beg!

You have support, you will survive today, and tomorrow and then when you get there you will survive the next day. It's very hard to see it right now while your world is being turned upside down and it's hard to get your bearings, much like hurtelling down a hill in a barrel with no way of slowing it down, and you feel sick to the stomach. But the hill doesn't last forever, the barrel has to stop somewhere . You will survive it, bruised and battered maybe, but alive, and much stronger for the experience. And remember, it wasn't the hill's fault, nor the barrel, but the horrible bully who stuffed you in the barrel and started it rolling.

You don't need a person like that in your life HO, but I do caution you to take it easy. There's no rush.

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HanginOn, I've been following your saga from the beginning, and I always have a ton to say but others end up saying it, and so I just bear witness and think of you every day.

There is just one thing for me to say to you now. You are not NEARLY angry enough with your husband for what he did to you.

When you are APPROPRIATELY angry with your husband for his horrible betrayal, you will NOT feel suicidal or even remotely so.

Bink

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My dearest HanginOn,

I am a long term member here and have been sitting here with my jaw agape...re-living sooo much of my life with my ex...I've been where you are now...and my heart just aches sooo bad for you.

Another member here (my apologies, don't remember who right now) said "...live up to your name." Hon...I couldn't agree more. You picked it for a reason. It is an AWESOME one....and it is all you have to do right now. Don't try to win, succeed, conquer....just aim to HANG ON. One day at a time, love...just hang on for one day, hour or moment at a time...but please.........keep hangin' on.

I posted several years ago that I used to love life, that I used to eat it up with a spoon and then go back for seconds...but the stress my ex put me through...the years of mental and verbal abuse, the betrayals, the arrest, the strip-search and incarceration...(mine was at a mental health crisis facility, but still included a cop car, handcuffs, false charges, cells...and still sucked...) and the exhausting mental confusion and vacillation that came with it all....was all but sucking the life out of me.

I hit that point....the one where I felt like I had come to the end of my rope, right before I was to crash at the bottom of the pits of dispair...and my DSLOD (dear, sweet, lovable, old Dad) encouraged me "Munchkin, when you get to the end of your rope, just tie a knot and hang on." It was good advise because at that point in time, I simply didn't have the strength, or mental wherewithall to do much of anything else...

..but you know what? Hanging on was the best thing I could do then, for it gave me the time I needed to recover from my severe depression, stress, PTSD and eventually I was able to do more than just hang on.

I remember the day I posted that I was in a much better place. I was able to tell my DSLOD that no, I most certainly was NOT going to simply "hang on" anymore. I knew there was a life up there for me...a good life, a happy life...a sane, non depressed life... and I WANTED it. There was a life out there and dangitalltoheckand back...I had a SPOON!

It may take a while.......but you are going to be ok. I need to make sure you heard that..........Hon, YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Just whatever you do right now.....just Keep HanginOn.

I've "been there, done that"...hon. You can make it through. I'm here today, I'm living proof that it can be done.

Post the heck out of this forum if need be. It is what it is here for....heck, it is what WE are here for...

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It helps so much to hear from some that have been where I am now... and made it through. To be honest, though, I still can't see myself making it through this. But I guess my focus needs to be shorter-term... like some of you said, just getting through the day... or hour. I didn't think I'd make it through YESTERDAY, but I did. And today is half-way over already. What a miserable existence: Just trying to get through each day. I hope it's worth it. I hope there IS something better for me some day.

Munchkin - you mentioned PTSD.. Was that from the arrest etc... I still have nightmares. I can't drive down the street where the police station and jail are (1st and only time since I was forced there, I had a panic attack and almost got in an accident), and I still get panicky and upset if a police car is anywhere near me at an intersection. But the nightmares are the worst. My doctor says this all should go away with time... but how much time?? I know everyone's different, but I really don't know what to expect. When ever one of those "triggers" come up or after a nightmare, my depression worsens. And I can't safely get much worse. I am so afraid of having to go into the hospital. I'm afraid it would feel and be like being locked-up all over again. My friends have said our facility here is not at all like that. But it still scares me. And all of you that have said so.. I get it - one day at a time, I will get through this, I will be O.K. some day. BUT there are times when my thinking is just SO OFF that I can't see ANY good outcome or ANY reason to live. It's the desperation in THOSE times that is the hardest to get through. But could my intense fear of being "locked-up" again keep me from getting help in a crises?? I really don't know.

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HanginOn, I've been following your saga from the beginning, and I always have a ton to say but others end up saying it, and so I just bear witness and think of you every day.

There is just one thing for me to say to you now. You are not NEARLY angry enough with your husband for what he did to you.

When you are APPROPRIATELY angry with your husband for his horrible betrayal, you will NOT feel suicidal or even remotely so.

Bink

Yeah that's what I'm thinking, why aren't you running from this horrible man.....run honey run....stay with family...get the hell away from him..let your lawyer sort all the legalities out. Get away from him, you should be terrified of him not the police. Run run run as fast as you can. I'd be extremely pissed off if any man treated me this way.

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Actually hanginOn,

I'm beginning to see something here - you are terrified of Police, police cars and police stations and are living with the man that started a living hell for you and you're worried about hurting him, his feelings and losing the marriage.

Your fears are being diverted to the police, that is clear. You have made them the 'bad guys' because right now you need someone to blame and< I may be way off here., but you feel you can't be angry at H because finally getting angry at him was what landed you in this position in the first place!

You are afraid that IF you are angry at him you ARE the person he's making you out to be and you don't want to be that SO MUCH that you are so confused and torn that it is sending you around the twist.

SO, you can take or leave this advice and do what you feel is right, but you may need to continue to blame the Police for a time, until your case is decided, just so your poor mind has someone to be afraid of/blame. In reality, it would be unwise to be angry at H right now while your future hangs in the balance but the minute that judgement is laid down you need to seriously get angry about what has happened to you. Currently you are turning all this anger inside.

You need to have a safe place to talk, to think and scream without judgement. What has happened to you IS WRONG, but the Police are just doing their job, they don't give two figs if you go to jail or not - much like us nurses become somewhat immune to the suffering of others in the years of 'everyday' that happens in our work. The Police don't care about you - it's not their job to care, it's their job to follow the rules and uphold the law. The officers on duty merely responded to a distress call from a male who stated he had been choked by his wife ( and supposedly you concurred on the night) and they themselves will likely never see you again as the case is passed on through the system.

I am a bit worried that now is not the right time to be angry, but I do think you need to get there before you can heal. You may need to do it privately, but the blame needs to head in the right direction.

Anxiety is fear turned inward.

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Munchkin - you mentioned PTSD.. Was that from the arrest etc... My doctor says this all should go away with time... but how much time?? I know everyone's different, but I really don't know what to expect.

Some of it was from the "arrest"....some of it was from the "helpless and hopeless" feelings I would get when interacting with him and our abusive families. I could never "win" a discussion, let alone an argument, and being cornered or tag teamed took a toll.

Yes, I too struggled with depression, but sheesh...who wouldn't in that kind of a situation? I found this support group in 2006..left him for the ninth and final time in January 2010, divorced in August 2010, just shy of my thirtieth anniversary...and have been no contact and recovering ever since.

I still "trigger" at some things, but not nearly as bad as I used to. The 8.2 Richtor total-body-tremors have all but gone away. I may get some minor heart palpatations and increased blood pressure, but I don't wad up into a quivering ball of tears at the drop of a hat anymore. The anger management issues...well, I can keep a pretty good lid on those too. The anger was a healthy part of the healing process, but for me, I had to learn the difference between a healthy, CONTROLLED anger and the uncontained rage my ex loved to send me into (so he could prove he was the calm one). The night terrors and nightmares have all gone away. Oh, I may occasionally have a bad dream about it, but I wake up, talk about it and go back to sleep to try again. I've only had one severe flashback in the last year...so I think those are over too.

Look at it this way, while yes, all people are different and some heal faster than others, there are some good rules-of-thumb you can go by:

Broken bones: 6-12 weeks

Torn muscles and ligiments: 8-20weeks.

Emotional wounds and broken hearts take even longer.

Younger kids heal faster than senior citizens...and

Overall health and a positive attitude are huge contributing factors to speeding up recovery.

Some illnesses require medicines and/or therapy.

So....with that being said, most people I know noticed a huge sense of healing within a year of getting out. By the second year, they are wondering why they didn't just leave sooner. But taking care to eat healthy, drinking plenty of healthy fluids, getting excercise, developing regular sleep patterns, keeping a positive attitude (as best as you can, lol...I know, you have depression!) and focusing on taking care of themselves assisted in making PTSD recovery easier and quicker. Anti-depressants and counseling/support groups are great assistances, if you can find the ones that work best for you and stick with them so they have adequate time to do their job.

Taking into account of time exposed to the unhealthy person/persons also helps...so if you have been in this relationship for a long time, don't expect major improvements overnight. Just like weight gain, if it took 20 years to put it on, it isn't gonna come off overnight. But the thing to focus on here is that it CAN be dealt with and overcome. Just as diets and excercise help to reduce weight, so learning how to handle yourself in bad situations will eventually yield positive results.

But the key to me was baby steps and small victorys. Do just ONE thing right, then PRAISE THE HECK OUT OF YOURSELF for it. And if that is all you do good in a day, then CELEBRATE that one thing with a high five with yourself before you go to bed, or post it here and let us celebrate with you. You didn't rise to his bait? Good for you! You slept 8 hours straight? Hip hip hooray! You drove past the police station and didn't lose your composure! You go, girl!

It will all go away.......and trust me.....it is soooo worth it. Happy and healthy.......it feels soooo good.....

You can do this.

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Thanks Munchkin, that helps. And BG.. Actually, no I don't blame the police.. I don't like them very much right now (to put it mildly), but I don't blame them. The problem I have is what I think about and remember when I see them. The whole experience (for me) of being arrested and being put in jail etc.. (and that "etc." represents the most horrible parts) was SO out of my world and my experiences... it was terrifying for me.. and heartbreaking at the same time because of WHO put me there. And this while still not being "right" emotionally in the first place (which caused the whole thing) - this all added up to a very traumatic experience. So it's THAT when I see a police car or the jail, not blame. I KNOW WHO TO BLAME AND YES I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY!!! It hard for me to just be in the same room as him. But that's where I am right now.. Sharing a house with the man who put me in jail. I don't believe I can handle going ANYwhere right now. This is MY home. But I know things will and are changing. But with my legal challenges still pending, this is a fast as I think I can handle.

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Try not to feel bad for feeling bad. You can't really expect PTSD to improve while you're still living in the situation that put it there. :-/. You're in a toxic living environment, and status quo until after the court, so right now you're in a holding pattern, just maintaining until this crisis is past. It's ok to just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you feel strong enough to lift your eyes and see where you want to go, and then point your feet in that direction.

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Have you thought about where you would like to be in two years? I don't know if this will help. I know when I was living in the situation I was in I couldn't imagine anything else until I realised I was married to an abuser. After realising I started to lift my gaze and ask myself what I would like. And from there I've been planning a strategy to get there, one step at a time.

Step one, ditch the abuser.

It may be too early for you to do that. But it could give you focus to look past the immediate hurdles and start planning what next after that.

I think you started reading some books on abuse but put them down because it was too confronting, is it time to pick them back up again??

I'm definitely not trying to pressure you. I learnt so much by researching everything I could. I then felt armed to deal with it. Now may not be the right time for you, but while you have time it is sometimes helpful to start planning ahead.

For me, this armouring process gave me confidence. Self-confidence was something I was sorely lacking!

I would really hate for you to one day get so angry or frustrated or desperate that you grabbed your handbag and walked out for good. The problem is where would you go? Would you take the kids? Would you have money to survive? If you can put just a very very simple strategy together so if that day comes you are not completely lost, it would really help. Something simple like, 1 grab your important documents (have them hidden in a stash together ready to go). 2 Transfer some money into your own personal bank account (you may need to set one up). 3. Have a safe place to run to, a relative or a friend. Decide now what you would do about the kids. I don't know how old they are but maybe you could explain to them you're going to move out and when you have a home prepared for them, you would like them to come to??

Having a plan ready like this might give you some feelings of security that if you have to leave you actually know what to do.

I understand a lot of people leave without a plan, and it can be very difficult. The plan wouldn't have to be much, but there are some simple things you can do as you leave that can help signficantly afterwards.

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Hi HanginOn,

I have been traveling and so haven't had a chance to respond till now. I am so happy that the legal issues are looking brighter, but so sorry (but not surprised!) that you are struggling with depression and anger. All the input you have received here is brilliant.

I remember having to live with Mooch after he had me arrested. I was arrested on January14, 2009 and didn't move out until June 1, 2009. It was hell. But I felt I needed to do it that way because I wanted to have all my ducks lined up in a row before I left.

The anger...oh boy, the anger! I do remember that it felt good at times to give voice to my righteous anger. I think one time I even said "You always accuse me of being "addicted" to anger...let me tell you, Buddy, you haven't seen angry until now. I am angry and I will always be angry about this".

I really like what Munchkin said:

The anger was a healthy part of the healing process, but for me, I had to learn the difference between a healthy, CONTROLLED anger and the uncontained rage my ex loved to send me into (so he could prove he was the calm one).

This was my reality as well.

Hangin, about your depression and getting so close to "the ledge"... It is so understandable, as is your reluctance to be hospitalized. Have you or your therapist looked into an intensive outpatient program? About 18 months before I left Mooch, I had an episode where I could not stop crying. It frightened me and I went to the ER. They referred me to the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). I went every day, four hours a day, for two weeks. It was a group therapy setting and it was so very helpful. I really felt supported and it gave me a chance to breathe, regain some equilibrium and get validation and feedback from the others in the group.

Hangin, as soon as you feel able, the next step is to start thinking about the next step. You probably already know this but do not share anything regarding your thoughts or plans with your husband!! Resist the urge when he is being an a$$hole to tell him that you are leaving his sorry butt. He is not to be trusted and if he gets even the slightest hint that you are thinking of divorce, he could start hiding assets, screwing up your credit...etc.

I found that doing small things in preparation was very helpful and actually calming for me. For instance, I opened my own checking account. It had very little money in it but just having something in my own name felt good. Also, slowly copying important papers (tax returns, bank statements, credit card statements, etc) and putting them in a safe place is a good idea.

I was really afraid of consulting an attorney but it was a really helpful thing when I did. And, the initial consultation was free.

I know you are worried about how you will take care of yourself. I am not sure how it works in Colorado but in my state, if you need spousal support (which you will need), you can file and then be awarded temporary support until a final settlement is reached. If you have the kiddos with you, they will also award you child support. Many attorneys suggest that on the day you leave (or right before), that you withdraw exactly half of your joint account.

Disentangling your life with someone you've been with for decades can be overwhelming, but, like getting through what you are experiencing, it is achieved one step at a time.

Hugs, HanginOn!

Grabby

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Empty, alone and very very sad. Still trying to hang on to that dream... Being marriage and happy, growing old together and enjoying grandkids together... maybe some traveling together in our retirement years (not so far off). But what my future holds now is probably just more emptiness, loneliness -- sharing my kids at holidays and being alone for half of them... or worse yet - They will have their future spouses families that would probably be a lot more fun to be around than just me. Why should I hang around for just more pain.

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I think most of us find it's a lot more emptiness and loneliness being with an abuser.

Is there someone you can call to talk to?

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