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HanginOn

My Husband had me arrested

254 posts in this topic

Feeling a bit of hope for the first time since my life imploded Christmas Eve. I received the letters today that were written on my behalf by my Doctor and my counselor. They were very favorable and stress the facts regarding the medication changes/problems & relevant side effects that I was having at the time of the "incident" that could easily explain "unusual volatile behavior." My lawyer will have these to use later... but my husband will have them with him when he meets with the D.A. on Thursday. He will also have a copy of his 'witness impact statement" (which is written very strongly and convincingly (hmmm, wonder who wrote it) in asking for a dismissal, AND a list of very relevant errors and omissions (with corrections) in the Police reports. (If you're not gonna sleep you might as well be productive). Of course the D.A. can't know about how much I have assisted my husband -- who really isn't much of a writer (but H knows that I am and HE asked for the help). Anyway, there is really no way of knowing what the D.A. might do with all this. But the stuff from my D oc's and with the "victim" supporting the idea and ASKING for a dismissal, I have to think it'll count for something. Or I could be at the mercy of someone's BAD DAY. I would SO love for all this to be OVER on Thursday... Because, as I've said before, I WILL NOT TAKE ANY PLEA-BARGAIN OFFERED BY THE D.A. (which is pleading guilty). I will demand a jury trial. Which will be hard, scary, painful.... but in the end, you'd think 12 "regular" people could see this for what it is.

My husband had a fit last night when we were talking about going to trial. A jury trial would be at least $6,000 in additional lawyer fees. He said I was being ridicules and to save the money and take the plea. I said there is NO WAY that HE would do that if the tables were turned. You know what he had the nerve to say? "Of course NOT. MY reputation MEANS something... I couldn't do that and run our business" ..... "but yours [reputation] doesn't really matter because YOU don't DO anything." Yes, I know that I have been at a much lower functioning level in our business during the last several years (with it gradually getting worse because of my depression issue), but he still couldn't do it on his own... I do the payroll & payroll tax stuff, the billings, the business taxes, etc... And My name is on the government contracts, not his. But he sees me as not important and very much inferior to him. He would have me be on probation, be forced into a domestic violence treatment program and have a criminal record for life.... all to save money. Whereas HE would fight like heck... because his reputation is so much more important than mine. I will press forward regardless of what he says or thinks, BUT it would certainly save a lot of grief if he could convince the D.A. to just drop the charges. SO, If any of you are so inclined... I would appreciate any prayers for that meeting (Thursday, 2/7 @ 3:30pm MT. [And GrabforJoy... I will be praying for your meeting with the custody evaluator on Wednesday]

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Okay run the scenarios... He has control issues and called the police. Boy that just sticks you in the frying pan. Who do you think will get the kids if you leave? Mine did a lot of crud to make me want to leave then had his first fiancée waiting on the side. He was pretending to try and did not try he basically used his foot to kick me out the door with his lips pretended he cared. He did that so he could stand on moral high ground. When you go though this stress do you notice your thinking shutting down and panic taking over. I know it is hard to focus but I like the advice or countering it with the doctor. I think you would be silly to not get that logged. If you both split then you can get something saying your medications are balanced. The fact is he has not dropped the charges. He now knows he can push your buttons and you can not react. I hope you kids are almost grown up? He will not get better once he does not have to pretend any more. Put me in jail I think I would clean the house with his tooth brush for doing that to me. What a turkey!

I would not have any more children with him. I went and had my ability to have children removed because of my emotional abuse. I love baby's and children. Love them! I was not going to accidently have one more child subject to the dysfunction perfect he could execute. O boy sweety I feel your husband is missing an emotional chip. Sees no wrong in his actions and you will be responsible for his emotions. I would do everything in my power to creatively document what he is doing.

Yes in today society you can not react even if abused. So if you can get it documented back do it!!! The second you have a grab to your arm make sure you move in a way it will show a bruise. If you get pushed break things on the way down let the things cut you up then call the police. stay as calm as possible do not be panicked or fearful. Of course he had an idea when he called the police. From your words you were doing drama and not choking him bad. Did he even have scars or red marks? You know he will not tolerate any retaliation from you yet you have to live with his authoritativeness of a bad daddy. Where is the equal part? You can not ground or spank your mate. You can tell them what you will not live or sleep with.

I am so sorry you going through this. I do however give advice to always call the police and get proof. I did not get proof and I regret that. I am not sure if this would send him over the top. Listen to your counselor keep going. If he harasses you then tell him he called the police he has to pay for therapy.

What a embarrassing thing he has labeled you with. Do not lose hope! Your children need your love. Look at it his way your kids might tell your husband what they think of dad calling the police on mom someday. Just be the good person you know you are. You have to make your own judgement about your marriage you will have to live with either of those decisions your whole life. So you need to know what your doing and why your doing it.

Be the good you know you are. :-) :nature-smiley-001: Giving you a flower to cheer you up. You can do this! (I agree with Moon Goddess)

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Hi HanginOn,

I am SO GLAD to hear you sound positive! You've been so down, it is good to hear you have some hope back.

B used to make out how much better he was than me. HanginOn, it just isn't true. You are so important, your reputation is valuable. And, you have every right to defend yourself! To suggest otherwise is abuse. To withhold the financial means to defend yourself is abuse. If it weren't for him, I bet your depression wouldn't have gotten so bad to begin with. That's what happens when you live in an abusive situation.

Perhaps you should stress to him that while taking the plea-bargain would be cheaper than going to trial, the cheapest option of all would have been for him not to call the police in the first place! But that done, if he gets the charges dropped then it will mean the inconvenience of you having to go to the DV course will be averted. I suggest you play up the inconvenience to him that will occur if you have to take the plea-bargain, list them out. It would probably wear pretty thin pretty quickly. He needs to have that at the front of his mind when he goes into the meeting (and not the punishment he would be giving you if he fails to have the charges dropped).

Yes, I will pray for you.

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HanginOn,

I am so glad the letters you received are so positive!

I had to laugh about your husband throwing a fit about the cost of a trial vs. a plea bargain...what an a$$. I remember when Mooch and I were in mediation trying to split up our debts, I insisted that he take half the debt we incurred when I had to hire a criminal defense attorney after he had me arrested. He had the nerve to push back and say to me and the mediator that I should have discussed my choice of lawyers with him and that "together" we could have chosen a suitable lawyer to defend me against the bogus charges he brought against me, at a more suitable price. I just looked at him and said "You're joking, right? You had me arrested for defending myself against you and you think you should have had a say in which lawyer would defend me? What planet are you from?"

His take on the value of your reputation vs. his reputation is classic narcissistic abuser crap. It's so ridiculous it doesn't even warrant an argument from you. And it certainly sounds like you provide a very valuable and needed service for 'his' business (BTW...don't forget that this is YOUR business too. My bet is that you have helped build it over the course of your marriage.).

I will certainly pray for you on Thursday...and thanks in advance for your prayers tomorrow. I have to say that I have been triggered pretty heavily by having to remember and record incidents of abuse that I would prefer to let lie, in order to support my bid to change the custody timeshare...rough weekend. It makes me empathize with what you are experiencing right now all the more!

You certainly sound strong, today Hangin. Keep up your hope and your resolve.

Lots of prayers for peace and strength flying your way!

Grabby

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Here's healing vibes for you!

You are HUMAN. A real flesh and blood compassionate soul. Being taken to the limit with a conniver. They are sly. Calculating. As if they know which buttons to push and when to serve THEIR needs.

Doesn't sound to me as if you have been allowed to get angry. Then, when you do he pulls crap. NOT FAIR!

Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. You deserve happiness. It isn't his to decide.

The memory of jail will hurt less - he is scum. DIRT BAG SCUM.

Stay centered on YOU. Keep your focus on YOU. It will be too difficult to try to play him at his game. I personally don't know where they get the game plan - but my soon to be ex is pulling out all the stops. AWFUL.

I have been locked in my room with my computer - until he leaves. If he doesn't, well - I am stuck here! It's working for me.

Be brave young soldier. Hugs to you. Stay healthy.

(I realized when I became angry with HIM, I wound up hurting myself with bad foods, too much wine, etc. A very dear friend showed interest and she and I began a new diet. Supplements. Vitamins. Exercise. Why, we even went KAYAKING!! I did find that fish oils/Omega 3's helped me with my depression-can take since I am not on any type of blood thinner. As did totally removing bad grains/sugar/alcohol. I supplement with Vit D3/selenium, magnesium too. Vitamin B!! It took a couple of weeks - but, it did help. My wish for you is that you get your happiness and health back)

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Big day today. In 2-1/2 hours my husband meets with the D.A. to try to get my charges dropped. He goes in with 2 very strong letters from my doctor & councilor that stress the medication changes/problems & relevant side effects that I was going through at the time of the "incident." You would think they could see this for what it is and drop these stupid charges. I am hopeful but guarded... and pretty anxious. I just want this over -from the legal perspective, that is. In actuality though, this is far from "over."

GrabforJoy -- How did your custody evaluation thing go yesterday??

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How did it go Hangin on?

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No dismissal. Not today today, anyway. The A.DA and the two others at the meeting there could not read or even hear anything about the letters. Apparently they needed to be received by the D.A. office by a particular procedure. Really?? You'd think my lawyer would have said something to me about that. He was given copies and knew this was happening today. Pretty frustrated right now. The D.A.'s office will get them eventually... And I can't see how they would not make a big difference in my case (if not THE deciding factor). But I WANTED THIS OVER TODAY. My husband said the rest of the meeting went well though. They now have his statement (argument to drop) and a list of mistakes, corrections and omissions from the police reports that I put together (oh, I mean "He" put together). The next step is my arraignment. My arraignment - Two words I could never have imagined coming out of my mouth. Anyway, that is next Wednesday... Unless we can get those letters over quickly and the D.A. reads them and drops the case before then -- NOT LIKLEY.

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I can understand your frustration. Bureaucracy drives the best of us nuts, and yes, you'd think your lawyer could have said something!

But it did go well. He did argue to have it dropped. That is good. It's not the best outcome, and is certainly short of what you hoped. But it's not bad news yet. Hang in there.

I'll keep praying for you.

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Escapee is right. It is not bad news - just not the news you hoped for. Is your lawyer on the up and up? ( I just get the sneaky feeling that an obvious 'oversight' like that on everyday procedure is a little dodgy - is he seeking to drag this out for more money?) or did he get the feeling that you were'nt being on the up and up, and chose to give you a chance to think about what you're doing?

Not that your lawyer is the real enemy here... Hangin' on, I wasn't going to say anything but something inside me is screaming to say it:

Had you ever considered that you writing letters and listing points in favour of yourself could be digging yourself a much deeper hole than you could ever imagine? You said yourself you shouldn't be doing it, you said HE had asked for 'help'. Umm, no, I'm sorry honey, YOU got us into this mess, YOU do your own dirty work to clean it up!

It's not just the immorality of him asking you (and knowing you'll jump because you know you'll do a better job of it and you have so much Hanging on this)) but the illegality of it and the consequences for YOU if your dear husband ever gets angry with you, say, the day before a hearing and he whispers in someone's ear that all of the stuff in writing is YOURS. What then? Can you deny it? All he has to say is that you FORCED him to sign the letter etc. and you could lose more than your career - you could lose your kids, your house, EVERYTHING. You say your style is different from his - only God knows what you could be charged with - hindering an investigation?, averting the course of justice, interfering with a witness?? All these things would make your sentence WORSE and your seeming guiltiness even greater.... I just get the feeling that your husband is making good and sure that you toe his line...or else. Or else he'll undo you by telling 'the truth'. And you can't get away from that.

I think those letters couldn't be read today for a dam good reason, God, the Universe, a power greater than yourself was saying

NO !!!! Hanging On, think about this

If I were you I would rip those letters up, every copy - erase the file from your computer and have him do this HIMSELF. (And rip them up BEFORE you tell him he has to do it)

As it stands it's only his word against yours, and the police report which, if you truly didn't do anything, would never stand up to the rigors of a trial. If your written words (which are truthfully you doing something illegal)can be proved to be yours (which they can, because a truthful person cannot lie on a trial and get away with it - only a long term liar can get away with it sometimes) then you have no standing in court when you say - but I'm telling the truth (about the 'assault')

Something to me, (and this is pure intuition here honey - I have dealt with a lying narcissist for 17 years) reading your story, says to me that your husband knows this and he's setting you up.

Just sayin' - you do what you feel is right in your heart. I say this with the greatest amount of love and care Hanging on. I know WHY you've done it, you're scared as hell !!! Just think about this... Who, apart from you has a vested interest in what happens in your case? Your husband is out to protect HIMSELF, he has already told you how little he values your reputation, and by association, you. I am just a person onthe other side of the world seeing your story and hearing your desperation and connecting with what has happened to you.

I can see your story, just the facts you're presenting, just like a judge would (with a lot more inside knowledge of abuse and how it's so intricate in it's working) and I can see your innocence. Don't sully that, you don't have to be so fearful, in fact you need to ACT LESS FEARFUL if the judge is going to believe that you didn't do it, you have to EXUDE confidence that you haven't done anything wrong.

I feel you are so worried because your H has twisted stuff around on you before and so you don't trust truth anymore. Be confident, you ARE innocent - and you are presumed so until proven guilty. OK? :hug005:

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BG,

["I can see your story, just the facts you're presenting, just like a judge would (with a lot more inside knowledge of abuse and how it's so intricate in it's working) and I can see your innocence. Don't sully that, you don't have to be so fearful, in fact you need to ACT LESS FEARFUL if the judge is going to believe that you didn't do it, you have to EXUDE confidence that you haven't done anything wrong."]

["As it stands it's only his word against yours, and the police report which, if you truly didn't do anything, would never stand up to the rigors of a trial."]

But I DID do it. And the police reports are damning for me. It says, according the the police officer that arrested me, that I confirmed my husbands statement. I remember very little of that conversation... I was SO scared and upset. But my only defense, now, has to be about WHY I did it. The extenuating circumstances. And the letters from my doctors are all I have. They present the facts of the medication that I'd just been taken off of, the increase of the emotional problems that I was experiencing on this med, and the severe emotional side effect that I had from coming off of it so quickly. That is the only explanation I have for doing what I did. And I know in my heart that I could never physically attack (outside of self-defense) ANYONE... EVEN my husband who has treated me so badly for so long, under normal circumstances (even OUR normal). But there is nothing illegal about my H using those letters from my doctors or him asking me for them and my giving them to him. So the D.A. WILL eventually see them.. But they will apparently have to come from my lawyer. They are my only chance to avoid a conviction and sentencing. My husbands letter - asking that the charges be dropped (that in a round-about way says the same thing as the D oc letters)- has already been given to the D.A. along with a list of discrepancies and omissions in the police report. And yes, I wrote both. There's not much I can do about that now. But HE signed them.. and some of his own handwriting (the rest is typed) in on the police report corrections. I don't know how they could prove he didn't write them. But BG, I do know what you are saying. And I have thought about that. It's still hard for me not to think that "my husband would never do that." And by the way... Not ONE WORD of the abuse that H has dished out to me has been mentioned to ANYONE involved in this case. Not the police, not my lawyer, nobody. I figure (and maybe wrongly so) that alienating my husband when he is "on my side" in telling about the meds & my extremely emotionally charged state at the time of the "incident." would be a big mistake. It would also get very messy... and hurt my kids.. and make the next battle (the one where I figure out how to fix my life) WAY more difficult. Does this make sense? I'm I seeing this right? I'd really like feedback because lately some of my own thoughts seem quite foreign to me and I know I may not be thinking quite right. Thanks.

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I think under the circumstances you are exactly correct to keep any mention of your H's abuse out of it. Right now you have VERY STRONG documentation that you were basically in a chemically-induced state of irrationality. The courts are often very inclined to absolve a person of responsibility if their mental state was not such that they knew what they were doing. That is why a person can use an insanity defense and be absolved of a crime (though they then will need to be properly treated for the mental issue.)

As soon as you start arguing that your H is abusive, then it moves from a case where you were understandably (and with ample medical documentation) in a temporary state where you lacked control and lacked clear thought and it begins to look like you behaved that way intentionally. And if they believe there was clear intention, that will change everything.

So I think you are handling it perfectly. Yes, it would have been good to have it resolved yesterday. But it's even quite possible that this delay is "standard operating procedure" because from past experience they know that letting it be drawn out this way sometimes will cause a person to change their story if they have been coerced into supporting dropping charges. (Probably this would be more relevant in a case where the husband physically assaulted his wife.)

So as hard as it is, I think you need to do the best you can to reassure yourself that things are on-track and everything that is being introduced into this case is making a VERY powerful case for dropping the charges. I fully expect that they will be dropped. Really, I do. So just try to stay as calm as you can and bide your time. :wub:

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Hangin,

I agree with Shawnee.I think you should trust your gut with all of this and it sounds like you have been handling it all beautifully. I am curious, though, why you didn't share the abuse with your lawyer. Right now your lawyer is your ally and he cannot divulge anything you tell him, unless you give him permission to do so. In order for him to utilize his expertise to help you, in my opinion you need to share the abuse with him. And you need to share the fact that your husband keeps threatening to pull his support from you. Your lawyer needs to understand what you are up against. Perhaps he will completely agree with your stance regarding utilizing the chemical imbalance defense, but who knows? I just think that keeping such an important piece of the puzzle away from him, he cannot defend you to his full ability. Even if the abuse is not used in your defense in this matter, he may fight harder for you, knowing that your SOB of a husband is the causative factor for your "chemical imbalance".

I feel indignant on your behalf, though Hangin. You are NOT disordered. You have been systematically worn down (i.e. tortured) by a sadistic coward. :mad:

You do have a great case here and I hope you can allow some hope into your life...you so need it!

Thanks for asking about my custody appointment. I will post about it in another thread.

Love,

Grabby

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Absolutely, you two are right on the money about not mentioning the abuse IN COURT (ie, in your defense in front of the judge). Just witnessing how poorly the courts handle the whole issue of domestic abuse underscores NOT mentioning it -- and equally important, it always looks "favorable" to a judge to "take responsibility" for your behavior. It probably shocks judges when people actually do. My "advice" is to be humble when it comes time to speak to the judge. I don't mean self-deprecating, I mean display a solid-within-yourself awareness that your behavior was ENTIRELY outside your norm, you are horrified by it, and sorry, and it's given you a wake up call to how much work you need to continue to do on yourself. ((((I sorta feel like barfing after writing that, considering your husbands ABUSE of you, but we're talking about getting your charges dropped here!!))))

I can see BG's point as well, but since your husband SIGNED the documents, that's as good to a court of law as him actually writing them.

I also agree with Shawnee that all the material you are presenting is making a powerful case for dropping the charges.

Bink

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Thanks you guys. I really appreciate your feedback and encouragement. And yes, Grabby - I think you're probably right about telling my lawyer of the abuse. I will talk to him.

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definitely tell your lawyer EVERYTHING. Your lawyer will know best what to mention in court and what not to mention Not ALL courts are backwards, there are some states and some counties that are more progressive and more educated when it comes to DV. Your lawyer will know how your particular city/county/judge will view your situation and your lawyer will know what to be quiet about and what not to be quiet about.

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OK Hanging On, I thought the letters hadn't been handed to the D.A. yet, the ones you 'helped' with. I agree that the doctor's letter should be on top of the pile on the D.A's desk and yes, your lawyer should be handling it.

If there's one thing about the law I've learned Hanging on, is that it takes FOREVER, seemingly. Cases are not dealt with quickly, there are hearings, mentions, direction hearings, consultations, reports etc, etc (in your country there'll be different names for them) but they all drag out SO LONG for the poor people who's lives are being decided on.

You know, you are really doing so much better. I always thought they dragged it out so long so all the emotion was taken out of it - so you'd almost forgotten it even happened in some cases. Keep hanging in. We're all rooting for you, all over the world!

Oh, and I was aware you had physically grabbed your H around the neck but you have told that it was only for a few seconds, no marks or bruises were left (indicating no real pressure was applied - i.e, you didn't have intention to harm him) AND you said he wasn't scared. I ask you again - what was it that made you think he wasn't scared? I think this could have a good bearing on your defence.... was it a wry smile on his face, what was it that told you he was not scared? It would be worth telling your lawyer why anyway.

Saying prayers for you and your kids!!! :wub:

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I don't want to walk into that courtroom on Wednesday. To be a criminal in the eyes of everyone there... a disgrace!

WHY DID HE HAVE TO MAKE THAT CALL? I BEGGED HIM and PLEADED WITH HIM!!

I'm scared. And I don't want to be here anymore.

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Hey sweetie,

I tell my kids over and over - don't worry about what other people think!!

I've been in the courtroom many times - it's amazing how even that judge, who makes decisions on your fate, you never ever see them again once your case is over - you are one of thousands they will see in the week and even though they are actually there to 'judge' you, it's nothing like how our girlfriends in the street 'judge' us. It's more of a matter of fact application of the law.

Surround yourself with our love as you take a big deep breath and blow it out just before you walk in. :hug008:

It's just unfamiliar is all, a bit like a 'first day of school' type nervousness. You'll be OK.

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Feeling so sad tonight. And hurt. I keep thinking this pain will fade. Well, so far it hasn't. I keep picturing that night.. after it happened. Feeling just as shocked as HE looked. And then his anger. I keep thinking if only I would have begged him harder not to call the police.. I should have followed him up the stairs.. maybe I could have convinced him.. I could have followed him out to his truck (he said he had to leave to call the police since I was impeding him), I even play a scenario in my mind where I quickly wake up my sixteen year-old son... surely H wouldn't proceed in calling the police with even my son pleading with him not to (yes, I know that would have been an awful position to put my son in). I play it over and over in my mind just wishing I could have done SOMETHING different where I wouldn't have had to go through that nightmare of being arrested and locked in a cage... and be in the position I am now of going to court this week... now a "criminal" and a DISGRACE!! I hate him. I hate him! and I just want to run away. or disappear. or go to sleep and never wake up... thats what I prayed often that night in the holding cell and later... That I could just die. I wish I had. Even with how miserable things had gotten in our marriage.. I TRUSTED him with my life. Well he wanted to hurt me bad... wanted to show he had ultimate power over me... well he did. and I just want to die. I can't handle this anymore.. I can't take this pain inside.

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(((((( HanginOn))))))

I know it feels like the end of the world and in a way it is. After this crisis passes you will no longer to live with your H the way you had before. So, the grief you are feeling, fear, anger are compounded by that fact.

But you WILL get thru this. It truly is not the end of the world. No one died. You are living thru this and you will someday be able to offer wisdom and support to others.

I promise you it is going to be ok. Eventually. Not today, not tomorrow but soon.

Your kids need you. They need to see you regaining control over yourself and moving forward.

A mother who never goes thru something like this is a fine mother. BUT a mother who goes thru hell and keeps going, comes out on the other side stronger for the experience, THAT mother is the one we all want our kids to have.

It stinks, it rots that you are going thru this. But you keep going. You can do this.

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Seren -- Thank you. That's what I needed to hear today.

And things look different today.. I almost let my lying thoughts take me too far last night. I even had the pills to do the job. It's hard to understand how I could let myself feel so convinced by such wrong, desperate thoughts. Obviously I wasn't COMPLETELY convinced since I am still here. Saw my councilor today and am proceeding cautiously.

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Hangin,

I am so sorry you were in such a dark, dark place. I love what Seren wrote, because it is soooo true. When you start to feel so wretched, I want you to think about your children. YOU are their only sane parent. In YOU they stand a chance in life. Without you, they would be left with the kind of man for a parent who would callously and cruelly have the mother of his children thrown in jail over night. Is there someone you feel close to that you can call when you reach the point you were last night? I am worried about you.

I am glad that things look better today. Just remember that this will not always be your life. It does get better. It does. And as Seren said, you can do this.

(((((((((((((HanginOn)))))))))))))))))

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Sending thoughts of strength to you. Prayers of calm, too.

(Criminal? Disgrace? Hardly. You judge yourself very harshly and that doesn't help. And the sorrow you are feeling now tells the story of who you really are. For you CARE. But really, you are no disgrace. It's a different time now. Back in the day many an officer would have told your husband to leave the house. That is what happened to me. He had to leave)

You are not a criminal. I would have told the police he became violent. It's your word against his at this point. They are NOT witnesses. Just keep together - for this is what he is seeking. It's good you know it, too. Don't let him win. Take care.

(I have head some good things about this book-- Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns)

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