• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Drained

The insanity continues

63 posts in this topic

Hi everyone. I haven't been here in a while.

I filed back in Aug. for a child support re-evaluation, he countered with a motion for full custody, claiming he wants more time with our now 10 year son. This will be our 3rd custody battle. 1st court date was in Oct. - he didn't come prepared, didn't file his financials, didn't have a prepared parenting plan - his attrny told the judge he just wants to tweek a few things. Jusge gave him 1 month to produce financials and his tweeks. Back to court in Nov - he still didn't file his financials nor parenting plan. Judge gave him another warning, told him to file them by Jan. 20th or else he MAY have to pay my attrny fees. Trial set for Feb.

In Sept. Son informed me after being at his Dad's for the weekend, that Bleezy wasn't even there - he went out of state to play in a softball tournament for 3 days. In Dec. son came home after his Da'ds weekend and told me he spent the entire weekend at (try to follow this...) his stepmother's ex-husbands house, from Friday night till Monday a.m. - whereas the the SM's ex0husband woke Son (and his three kids) at 4 a.m. - to drive them back to Bleezy's house, so they could get a lil sleep before they all had to get up and go to school that very a.m.

Bleezy and the SM still kept laying out size small underwear for Son, I reached a breaking point and wrote Bleezy a note stating both Son and I are confused as to why they keep sending him to me in his stepbrother's size small underwear, that Son told me that he had asked Bleezy to buy him his own underwear to wear while there, and was what Son told me true....

In true Bleezy fashion, he responded that they have plenty of size medium underwear there for Son (I know, they kept 9 pairs of mediums from here as they kept sending him in smalls if any of you recall), that it was Son who was switching out the mediums for his stepbrother's size smalls, and that the pair they keep sending him to me in, the pair I wrote the SB's initials on the back - wasn't even the SB's - it was the stepbrother's-bestfriend's underwear (seriously????) and even wrote to me "Thanks for ruining them." Oh, ok - I ruined my son's stepbrother's best friends underwear by writing the SB's initials on the back tag. It was back in July that I stopped sending son in clothes I bought him, and only sent himin clothes that came from Bleezy's. Bleezy went off on my in his reply note on how dare I say anything about son's underwear - when I send Son in jeans with the knees torn out. (Uh, excuse me, but that's the pair that came from your house - and FURTHERMORE - the very pair of jeans he put Son in on that day that he sent Son back to me AS WELL had a tear in the kneee.)

Gues what Son got for Christmas at Bleezy's? New size medium underwear, that they put a black marker dot on the label. So I guess a dot in not ruining them - it's just the a letter, huh.

On Dec. 3rd, Bleezy came to pick up Son, Son got into his burbside car, Bleezy asked Son 'Where's your IPod?', Son informed Bleezy that he didn't have it with him - becuase I grounded him from it. Bleezy went bolistic - sent Son back into my house to get it - Son said Bleezy was furious - said 'He wants HIS IPod, that HE bought it - and he wants it back!.' I said to son - Sorry. I wrote Bleezy a note - quoting the parenting plan about not using Son as a messenger, reminding him of all the mediaotrs, councilors and Son's own therapist telling Bleezy to stop going through Son with issues he has with me, to stop using Son as a messenger - and advised him that they next time he does it - I will file contempt of court charges.

Son was returned to me wearing yet another billboard t-shirt, this one stating "I Will Win."

I grounded Son again from his Ipod after that for more bad behavior/disrespecting me, and now I can't honestly find his IPod, nor one of Son's shoes (that Bleezy bought him). Not intentional I tell ya. Anywho - Bleezy told Son that if I don't return HIS IPod back to HIS house - that he will take me back to court over it.

I emailed my attrny today, asking how do I go about filing contempt of court charges.

Son informs me that his SB - has actually tried to run away from home (Bleezy's house) TWICE now.

Every gift Bleezy and the SM give to the kids - are all to be shared - nothing is 'their own.' They gave the SB a footbal, SB didn't want to have to share it with the other siblings and all the babysitting kids the SM watches - so he took it to his Dad's. Bleezy and the SM made SB bring it back.

My house was on the market for a year, it finally sold for less than what I boughtit for, there wern't enough proceeds to purchase a new place, had 30 days to move - found a rental house and had to pay a years worth of rent upfront as I am now earning less than minimum wage. Am still working part time at Son's school cafeteria - then run home to work at my crippled home base business that used to bring in $100K a year, then when Son comes home I put on the Mom hat and have to spend at least 2 days de-programming Son after being at his Dad's. It's getting worse it seems - he's so combative, argumentative, and disrespectful towards me when he comes home from Bleezy's - but then in a day or two of my remaining firm and consistent with house rules - I see my angel again. Just in time to send him back to his Dad's.

The stress - is pallitable. For the majority of the time - I am living from hour to hour, at best day by day. And it's been this way for years now I realized. It sickens me how these vindictive power hungry control freaks can destroy our lives - our children - everything we hold dear to us - and the courts just let them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(((Drained))) .... this has got to be soooo frustrating. BUT -- it's one of those situations where you cannot change certain things, so the best thing to do is to try to figure out "strategies" to minimize your stress, optimize your son's situation, and not encourage the troll (Bleezy).

Hopefully the Feb trial will happen this time and resolve a lot of the issues. But yeah, the way this keeps dragging on, it's good to figure out strategies in the meantime.

I remember there was some discussion before about getting Salvation Army clothes (or other Goodwill-type clothes) and only sending him away in clothes that won't break the bank if they don't come back. Meanwhile, I think the idea to send him back in whatever torn clothes he gets sent to you in is just fine. This is where your work comes in: if you don't let Bleezy get to you when he berates you for sending him in torn jeans that originally came from him or when he sends S10 back in billboard t-shirts, he will not get the "reward" he is craving. The less you can show any reaction to things, the less encouraged he will be to use those tactics. So I guess since the billboard t-shirts aren't ones you probably care to hang onto, I'd probably send him back in those, too, unless you prefer to replace them with Salvation army t-shirts. But it's just that if he thinks he is actually annoying you, you can bet your bottom dollar that he will do more of whatever that behavior is!!! So showing no reaction will probably help you in the long run when dealing with these kinds of issues. The underpants? That's a harder one!! Because it can't be fun for your son to be clothed in too-tight underwear. But there again -- your showing a reaction only encourages Bleezy to do more of it. Can your son simply stop wearing them? When they put it out for him to wear, he can say that it doesn't fit -- do they have a bigger pair he could have instead? It probably would be good for him to learn to be more empowered about things like that. On the other hand, if it really doesn't bother him that much to wear slightly-too-tight underpants, then I'd just let it go. You have to pick your battles. At some point the underpants will be too small so your son will object to putting them on!

Just remember... sometimes we, as abused mothers, end up almost being "over-protective" of our kids because we know it's not fair to them that their dads are such jerks. BUT.... although the intention is the best, the flip side of this is that we can slide into behaving in an "enabler-type" way. In other words, we almost become too vigilant and try to fix all of our children's problems for them. And actually, in the long run, that does not do the kids any favors. And it can get them starting to feel "entitled" that the mom ought to "fix everything" in their lives, which can actually lead to a deterioration of the relationship (not to mention it can inhibit the child's own development).

I'm not saying you're doing that... but I just throw it out because I know from my own experience, I probably tried to do too much to fix things for my son because I felt like it was so wrong to be as mistreated as he was (verbal put-downs, lack of respect or consideration, etc.) by his dad. And in the end I don't think it helped my son learn to overcome problems in life. We all have and will continue to have problems... so the best thing would be if we learned as we grew up to be confident that we have the power and the resources to deal with them. Maybe something fairly trivial, like small underpants, would be a perfect "training ground" for S10 to learn to ask for what he needs or wants. Yes, I can appreciate it might be uncomfortable for him. But confronting these things CAN be uncomfortable. We just have to learn at some point that "the only way out is through" .... as many different threads have noted over the years here!!!! In a way the small underpants might be the perfect kind of scenario where S10 is too uncomfortable to stand up for himself now... but as the pants get tighter and tighter, he might become more inspired to stand up for himself. And that would be a wonderful lesson for him to learn... that he can experiment with ways to take care of his needs, even if he has to ultimately do things that might be kind of "radical" (like leaving the small underpants where they set them out and wearing NO underpants, and just tell them he tried to put them on but they didn't fit so since he didn't have any other options, he was forced to go underpants-less.)

I know I"m not in the situation so maybe my suggestions are not appropriate depending on your son's temperament and how much things could escalate. But still... I do think there is a big risk that you could end up over-functioning for your son, which won't help things (both from your son's perspective and from the perspective that it will encourage Bleezy to escalate his own immature behaviors.)

But I'm really crossing my fingers for you that the Feb trial can resolve things in the best interests of your son and that custody could be awarded fully to you. It is so sad that the system is more worried these days about trying to make 50:50 arrangements than actually looking at what is in the best interests of the child. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excellent suggestions Shawnee........

I would go one step further and suggest S10 asks to put out his own clothes; he is certainly old enough to pick outfits for school etc.

*MG*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To expound on the ridiculous underwear issue;

I'd send Son in mediums, they'de return him in smalls. I kept sending him in mediums, 9 times they returned him in smalls.

Son began to complain to me about the smalls.

Son also complained to me that his younger stepbrother was wearing his mediums, and they kept laying out his SB's smalls for Son to wear.

Son complained to me that he wanted his own underwear.

I encouraged Son to talk with Bleezy and tell Bleezy how he felt. Son replied 'He won't listen. He never cares how I feel.'

I encouraged Son to not wear the size smalls they lay out - and just go to the drawer and pull out his mediums that came from here. (They have 9 that I know of!)

He couldn't find any of the 9 pairs from here - they were not in his drawer - they hid his underwear that came from here from him.

I again encouraged him to take it up with his Dad. He was still afraid to.

So I sent 9 extra pairs of size medium underwear to their house with Son, with his initials on them.

That made them angry. They screamed at him that they have plenty of size meidums for him and don't need more, went into his room and pulled out from somewhere one of the pairs from here (from secret hiding place obviously), and returned the extra pairs I had just sent.

And continued to send him in smalls.

I half jokingly and off the cuff said to Son - then just go Commando when you go there if you don't want to wear your SB's smalls.

Son loved the idea - and did.

Bleezy wrote 'Plz do not send Son to our house not wearing underwear. Son tolld us you would not let him wear them."

(Whatever).

They continued to send him in his SB's size smalls.

Again, I encouraged Son to take it up with his Dad - I have done all I can do - and he'll just have to wear the smalls back to his Dad's for now on.

Son said he did, that the SM was mad again, but that he did ask his Dad in private if his Dad could please buy him his own underwear to wear, size mediums.

He said his Dad replied "We'll see."

That was in July.

The continued to lay out smalls for him.

I kept sending him back in whatever they sent.

Son kept complaining to me.

In Dec. - I wrote: "Again: Son does not fit into size small underwear - please stop putting him in size small underwear...Son wears a size medium in boy's underwear, Son told me months ago that he told you that he doesn't want to wear his SB's underwear, that he wants his own to wear while there, and that he asked you to buy him som that fit him. Is what Son told me true? Becuase if it is, neither myself nor Son are understanding why he is being made to share/wear his sb's underwear and why you won't buy him his own. Also, on Dec. 9 you returned Son to me wearing size 10 slim jeans. They were clearly too tight and floods. Be advised: Son wears a size 12 regular boys jeans."

They returned him in size smalls underwear; and with a reply note "Here is a response to your most recent harrassment. We are confused as to why you think it is ok, for Son to wear jeans with the knees completely ripped out, shirts and pants that are all stained up, and shoes and shorts withhis name written all over the outside, but you have a problem with the fact we put him in pants that you say are "floods". Son has lots of nice clothes here. Please worry about Son only when he is in your custody. Just as I cannot worry about Son wearing both shorts and shoes with 'Son' plastered all over the outside of them while he is wearing them in public. As far as the underwear goes, SB doesn't even wear boxer briefs nor has he for a cpuple of years. He wears regular boxers. He is also bigger than Son and wears size mediums as well. So the "T" you chose to write in the underwear Son chose to wear, actually belong to SB's best friend. Thanks for ruining them. Only Son wears boxer briefs (or at least used too.) Son has plenty of boxer briefs here SIZE MEDIUM. Son has never asked us to buy him underwear. He has always and will always have underwear here. We do not need to STEAL your (oopps, I mean Son's) underwear. Recently, when SM lays out the boy's clothes, she has been noticing Son has been putting the boxer briefs (which belong to him) back in the drawer, and getting SB's boxers out and wearing them. When we spoke to Son about the underwear situation, he told us he has recently decided he wants to wear regular boxers. So the pointing the finger needs to stop once again. Son is very well taken care of here. You are constantly saying 'Son isn't my messenger, when it is simple things (EX. I'm on my way"). SO why don't you stop questioning Son every time he comes home from our house. It isn't fair to Son to constantly be put in the middle of your drama. He's a child let him be one. Also, when Son comes back on Wednesday, please return all nice clothes that belong to Son at our house. - Bleezy"

Am interested to hear what you all think about that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess what comes to my mind first is the saying "Never wrestle with a pig - you just get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."

It seems to me that Bleezy obviously doesn't care a darn about your S or his feelings, but he is having a great time playing this game where he thinks he is really getting to you. And the more he can yank your chain, the happier he is going to be ... and the more he will be encouraged to escalate.

So I think the whole thing is ridiculous and he is being a total a-hole. But he also has you in a position where you are trying to fix it or deal with it and it's frustrating the heck out of you (deservedly so), but his knowing you are frustrated is giving him the reward he is looking for.

So since you have done all of the reasonable things to do already, in my mind it's time to just accept that it is "Game Over" and let it all go. Send S10 back with all of the billboard t-shirts and all of the small underwear you have. Perhaps everytime S comes home with small underwear, you can send him back with the small underwear laundered and in a sack and he can go back"commando". When Bleezy complains, you just calmly say that you wanted to send him back with the laundered underwear he came in but it was small so S didn't want to wear it, but you're returning everything that came from Bleezy's. And apart from that, just let Bleezy's comments roll off of you like water off a duck's back. Who cares what he says? He can say or write anything he wants. Just don't engage. He's being childish and just like you wouldn't take a child's tantrum seriously, you don't have to let his words trigger you into a defensive position.

Alternatively, depending on your finances and since you were willing to provide medium underwear to Bleezy anyway, you could just plan to lose one medium underwear per week until such time as Bleezy finally gets rid of all of the small underwear they have. If you didn't acknowledge it at all, at least you wouldn't be feeding the troll. But ... if finances are tight and you don't want to take the financial loss, then I'd just send him back without wearing any underwear, just bringing the laundered small pair, whenever he arrives with small underwear. And when Bleezy engages, just don't even reply!

And I suppose one thing that S10 could do is look through drawers until he finds where the hiding place is! But honestly, this is something he is probably going to have to deal with. It may mean when the small pair is laid out, he needs to bring the underpants to show his dad that it is small but he'd like a medium. Alternatively, what if he just threw out all of the pairs of small underpants. If they don't have any of them anymore, that might solve the problem! Or finally just don't wear underpants at all while there, just leave the small pair where it was (or better, throw the one pair in the garbage).

Bottom line is... if when Bleezy yelled or texted or e-mailed, nobody even reacted, then I wonder if eventually he'll quit just because he is not getting his "fix" anymore?!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bingo on the pig wrestling anaology. So for the majority of the time - I am stifeled. That's why I just kept sending Son in mediums when they sent him in smalls. I figured eventually they got to run out of smalls! (Apparently not - apparently now they're sending son in his SB's best friends underpants?). Yes, my fiancnaces are in the toilet (a year long custody battle from '09 - '10 will do that dontcha know), and everytime they send a billboard t-shirt - I have to pull it out of circulation, cus they just keep sending him back in it, so I have those expenses ontop of the replacing of the underwear expenses. It's doesn't stop them though - apparently the SM get s a real big kick outta clothes shopping for Son - to send me messages. Son knows about the Billboard t-shirts - and has tried to change out of them into something else there - and they just get mad at himand send him back into his room to put their intended shirt-o-spite on.

I suppose I engaged cuz we are in the midst of yet another custody battle and I am documenting his balony for someone's eyes. Maybe the court will see how he harrasses me, that there can be no co-parenting with him, see his true colors, stop giving him every benefit of the doubt, what a double-standard hypocrite uber controlling intimidator savant freak he really is. Who knows. Councilors in the past have read his letters to me and commented that he's very controlling, hostile, etc.

I've got to belive that it just can't look good to the court that Bleezy is sending Son in his SB's underwear - all the while claiming Son has very nice clothes there and plenty of size mediums (that came from my house, I might add.)

Notice if you will - the end result however. Son did get his own underwear, and according to Son - he know has his own drawer. (Note that 'his' underwear has a black dot markered into the label - guess THAT'S not ruining them...only I can ruin underwear by writing a T on them. Huh.

Anywho, my response back to his letter went like this:

RE: The never ending clothing issue;

Since out last round of this never ending issue (see 7-27-12 note); I designated an area in Son's room for just clothes that originated from your household. Son chooses from only these clothes what he wishes to wear on your exchange days. Regarding the particular jeans you specifically referred to - the one that supposedly have 'the kneescompletely ripped out':

a) there is only one knee with a rip in it, not both

B) is a pair that originated from your household, so I am unsure as to what your probem is with them,

c) the pair of jeans he was wearing the very day you sent this note to me (12-17-12) as well had a tear/rip in the knee - so again, I am having difficulty understanding what your issue is.

Solution: If you don't want him to wear jeans with holes in the knees, then simply don't send him in them."

But like others have said - if it's not the underwear, it will be the jeans, and if not the jeans, then his shoes, his bookbag, his lunchbox, his Ipod (the next big fiasco), it'll never end.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's all about power and control to them, aint it.

Son has to wear THEIR shoes, THEIR clothes, or else.

Now Bleezy has me excercising his control over Son while Son is in my house (Son, you must wear Dad's clothes back to Dad's house).

(My only saving grace is Son, you can chose any outfit from this particular drawer)

Son sees how they won't return so many things that came from here, yet they demand and dictate how he MUST wear THEIR shoes, THEIR clothes, etc., etc., and he sees me supporting their demands by doing so. I feel like I have become on of their own minions, and am only showing Son how to cower and cave to being bullied. Niither one of us is allowed to have a voice as you can see. I have felt so very stifeled for so long now - in trying to avoid engaging with Bleezy. We are both beaten down into submission.

Now enters the IPod issues.

They bought each of the kids IPods the Christmas before last. They are all forced to share their IPods with one another, as well as the babysitting kids the SM watches. If a stepsibling breaks their own, or loses their charger - Son is made to hand over his IPod to them. There are no personal boundaries or personal property there. There is forced communalism.

I was surpised that Bleezy allowed Son to bring the IPod here (they wouldn't at first). But now I am begining to realize - the IPod has become a tool to undermine me and my parental authority. I can ground Son from all video games while he's here - but then would hand him his IPod on exchange days to take back to Bleezy's. The pre-going to Dad's fights/acting out/disrespctfull behavior esculated ginormously. Son knew he would still get to play at Dad's - as there is no co-parenting. So more and more - Son is grounded while he's here - then he goes to Disneyland Dad's - with his IPod. I'm only realizing this now; after I grounded Son from his IPod and wouldn't let him take it to his Dads. Any normal, non-abusive, non-controlling father would support the mother's grounding the child from his IPod, no matter who purchased it, for disrespectful/bad behavior. Heck, Bleezy supports his 21 y.o.'s telling Son that Son is never ever allowed to pet the dog and for diciplining Son for asking the question 'Why?' - but nooooo - not supporting MY grounding Son from HIS Ipod. Instead - he told Son that if I don't return HIS IPod - he will take me to court (bullying, intimidation, going through our child with issues he has with me, using the child as a messenger, involving the child in court issues, you name it.).

The night I grounded Son from his IPod - I put it away; and now I can't find it. (We just moved a month previous, still getting settled, still discombobulated). Strangely enough - the same night - Son lost one of his 'Dad's shoes' - we can only find one under his bed, but not the other. Also, there is another item that belongs to Son's best-friends' sister (who came over that night with Son's best friend and we had a sleepover as their parents were going out for the night) - an extremely precious security blanket of sorts - that is as well missing. I have torn this house apart from top to bottom searching for the IPod, the shoe - and this girls' 'woobie', and have only just found the missing shoe. Son is understandably upset that I can't find his IPod, but he's dealing. I did commit to him that if I can't find it by the time he earns it back - that I will purchase him another one.

The terms of Son's grounding are: he must follow the house rules, no back talk, no arguing with me, no disrespecting me , follow directions/do as he is told with no giving me grief, etc. for 7 days consequetively while he's here at home with me - in order to earn it back. (I got that idea from the Empowering Parents program I subscribe to - from the Total Transformation program - I highly recommend it).

Bleezy wrote me a note on 1-8-13: Please return Son's IPod (and shoes) on Fri. 1-11-13. Well, Son's grounding won't be up by then - so I knew Son would be getting into Bleezy's curbside car yet again without his IPod. So I wrote a reply note - to explain, to try to protect Son from the Spanish Inquistion I suppose, and to CYA as we are in the middle of a court battle. The note was explanitory - but oh how it stank to explain anything to this man. I had the note ready to go thenight before the exchange. Son and I were actually online looking at IPods for sale when Son told me what his Dad had said to himabout if I don't return it then he's going to take me to court. I held my reaction in infront of Son, but I am internally furious - and made some revisions to my note late that night.

"Bleezy,

As you already know - Son is grounded from his IPod.

As his parent - I have every right to ground him from his IPod while it is in my house.

As you also are aware of - at the present time, we cannot find his IPod.

I had already committed to Son that if we cannot find his IPod by the time he earns it back, that I will purchase him another one.

We were in fact on-line yesterday looking at IPods, when he informed me that you told him that if I don't return his IPod back to your house, that you were going to takeme to court over it.

Go for it Bleezy. We'll just see if 'you will win' - referring to the billboard t-shirt you sent him wearing back to my house after my note to you regarding your using Son as a messenger and going through him with issues you have with me. Go ahead and add his shoes to the list - as he lost one of them, hence why he's been wearing other pairs of his. And since your going to go there - go ahead and get the court to make me sign Son up for a sport and dictate to me that you will be present on my custody days - as you told Son you would get the courts to do.

Drained."

Everyone has their breaking point. I have reached mine, yet again. I know I shouldn't have written that. I had to.

Now I'm starting to see how this may play out. Say I don't find the IPod. The right thing to do - is to replace it. But that does not mean I have to send it to his Dad's house. If his Dad wants to sue me over the cost - I'll deduct the costs of all the broken,, damaged, lost items and clothing that I purchased. And given that I have good reason to be suspicious of Bleezy's using Son's IPod as a spying device while it is in my home (there are apps for this) - I don't feel comfortable with an IPod that is under Bleezy's account/control in my home.

This is going to get ugly aint it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

http://voices.yahoo....st-8145064.html

Drained....

HE can't take you to Court over an IPOD, he uses that threat because he knows you fear going to Court due to costs.........

Honey you need to find a way to DETACH from Bleezy and his scare/power control tactics, he is winning.....HE is consuming you.......slowly

HE is in your thoughts all the time; HE is exerting power over you by consuming your life......

LET GO.........

as Shawnee has said PICK YOUR BATTLES.........

I know this isn't easy, but honey, from this side I see how much power he has over you.....

I have been there, done that......all I could think about was HIM, how to end the reign of terror.....and you know what? the only way to end it was to LET GO and let him wear himself out trying to control me.....

SON will be okay, IF he has one stable parent; right now he is in the middle of a war, despite your best intentions.

PUT BLEEZY on IGNORE.......all of it, the underwear, the clothes, the IPOD......

JUST do your OWN thing on your parenting time; and let go of the rest. SON will be okay, because YOU are okay.....YOU are modeling to son how to disengage from BLEEZY and his manipulative tactics...

Drained, when I took back my power, and stopped focusing on him, I had so much more energy I was amazed. GIVE that energy to yourself and your son....

BLEEZY will not change, SM will not change, they are getting a ":HIGH" from creating all this chaos and drama in your life. IF you stop engaging and only give very factual responses I suspect they will, at first, AMP up their attempts to get you to engage, and when you remain firm and steadfast in your boundaries, they will slowly give it up.

YOU must be the one to change sweetie....

Shawnee has given you some great suggestions!

I would also suggest ALANON and detachment reading!

*MG*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do so hear you. Whether he can or cannot take me to court over an IPod is truly irrevelent - what is relevant is he is threatening it - to our child, to instill fear, and control, over our shared child - and to manipulate and brainwash our child to BE like Bleezy here.

I just realized this is exactly like when Son began to refuse to answer/return Bleezy's calls - and Bleezy called the police on him. Had them come to our home - under the guise that he was concerned about us - but in reality it was to intimidate us to JUMP whenever he called - RUN to the ringing phone, apologize PROFUSELY for not answering it in time before it went to voicemail. How they DEMANDED he wear THEIR shoes back to their house - to the point son would writhe in anxiety if he didn't have THEIR shoes. So now it will be the IPod to have control over us - well, NO MORE.

And you are soooo right - the SM is a humoungous pawn in the scheme of things - it's her buying the billboard t-shirts, it's her laying out clothes for a 10 year old, it's her hiding the mediums. During the last custody battle, when in the final hour; Bleezy accused me of having a drinking problem and I was court ordered to go to an alchohol evaluation - it was that psychiatrist that eventually told me he doesn't think the whole false accusation was even Bleezy - it was HER. It was the SM who had her friend follow me home and terrorize me. She, a fellow woman and mother - had the audacity to blame ME for her losing my then 6 year old child while on vacation in Florida - stating if I had cared for my Son while in Uetero - he would have known better than to walk away from the group. She is Bleezy's biggest minion, but not his only one. She is so totally brainwashed. I am their common enemy that binds them. They all chose to buy into his hatred of me - in order to try to win a brief glimpse of his totaly fake but they're to desperate for it to realize affection/acceptance. All in all - in the end - it IS all Bleezy - he's just cloning himself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(((Drained))) First of, I do think you need to vent! Venting here is a great idea and I think it can help you to re-ground yourself so you are prepared to respond rationally and strategically to Bleezy's moves with optimal "counter-moves" (shall we call them?!!! Since this is basically a ground-war, I think the terminology is appropriate!!!)

Right now I think you are in the position where you are recognizing what is going on. (That's good!! It's the first pre-requisite to dealing effectively with this!!!!) But you still are getting severely triggered (deservedly so), and you are sometimes responding based on your emotional reaction as opposed to thinking about whether your response is strategically wise.

For example, I'll make some comments in your letters that point out how your response is giving Bleezy the "reward" and narcissistic supply he craves:

Anywho, my response back to his letter went like this:

RE: The never ending clothing issue; OK, "never-ending" tells him he is sorely testing your patience on this!!! He will think "Yaayyyy!!! I've scored!!!! I'm frustrating the heck out of her!!!!!" -- Don't let him know like this that you are frustrated. Anytime he can provoke a reaction from you, it only gives him his fix and encourages him to continue and even escalate this kind of behavior.

Since out last round of this never ending issue (see 7-27-12 note); I designated an area in Son's room for just clothes that originated from your household. Son chooses from only these clothes what he wishes to wear on your exchange days. Regarding the particular jeans you specifically referred to - the one that supposedly have 'the kneescompletely ripped out':

("Oooooh", Bleezy thinks, as he read that last bit, pours out his beer, and puts his feet up so he can enjoy reading the next part. "Now I've got her on the defensive, having to justify herself. It's just so much fun to watch her squirming, trying to prove things to me that are obvious but if I pretend I am dense and don't get it, she will just keep jumping even higher trying to prove it to me. This is gonna be LOTS of fun!!!!")

a) there is only one knee with a rip in it, not both

B) is a pair that originated from your household, so I am unsure as to what your probem is with them,

c) the pair of jeans he was wearing the very day you sent this note to me (12-17-12) as well had a tear/rip in the knee - so again, I am having difficulty understanding what your issue is.

Solution: If you don't want him to wear jeans with holes in the knees, then simply don't send him in them."

(So net result from this exchange is that Bleezy can see how frustrated he has made you, and how much energy you will invest into trying to defend yourself. "Hmmmm," he wonders. "What should I do next time to provoke a similar reaction?")

"Bleezy,

As you already know - Son is grounded from his IPod. ("Great!" he thinks. Now I am causing bitterness and maybe driving a wedge between S10 and his mom since maybe S10 will resent having the iPod taken away, especially if I say his mom is not allowed to control any of the stuff I give to him!! This is going to open up ALL kinds of possibilities to interfere with their lives on mom's time. Wow.... this is going to be a bonanza of fun possibilities!!! Cool!!!!")

As his parent - I have every right to ground him from his IPod while it is in my house. ("Even better... I've got her justifying herself again!!! What fun!!!!")

As you also are aware of - at the present time, we cannot find his IPod. ("Hmmmm.... how can I get her really scared and feeling responsible for this? And I know she really can't afford to be buying iPods. This is terrific!!! Gee, I wonder if there is any other expensive stuff I could send home next week with S10 that might get lost or broken. The possibilities here are endless!! OK, I need to think about this for a bit... I'll just file this in my memory banks for now and I'm sure I can come up with something really good.")

I had already committed to Son that if we cannot find his IPod by the time he earns it back, that I will purchase him another one.

We were in fact on-line yesterday looking at IPods, when he informed me that you told him that if I don't return his IPod back to your house, that you were going to takeme to court over it. ("Awesome! She is scared!! I've got her where I want her!")

Go for it Bleezy. We'll just see if 'you will win' - referring to the billboard t-shirt you sent him wearing back to my house after my note to you regarding your using Son as a messenger and going through him with issues you have with me. ("Double awesome!!! I wasn't sure if those t-shirts were bothering her because she hadn't mentioned anything for a while, so I was starting to worry that I was wasting my money buying these t-shirts. But clearly I can see now how much they just eat her up. You know, I used to hate to go shopping. But nowadays just knowing I'll have a chance to breeze through the t-shirt section to see if there is anything there that would really get her goat, I just find shopping to be the most energizing, invigorating, and fun experience! Gosh, every time I find a new t-shirt, I get such a chuckle out of it. This is almost better than drinking or drugs!!! What fun!!!!" Go ahead and add his shoes to the list - as he lost one of them, hence why he's been wearing other pairs of his. ("Just look at her, squirming trying to defend herself. What a trip!!!") And since your going to go there ("oooh!!! I've got her angry, too. I've hit a homerun here!!!") - go ahead and get the court to make me sign Son up for a sport and dictate to me that you will be present on my custody days - as you told Son you would get the courts to do. ("Ooops, with all this other fun that almost slipped my mind. Yeah, make a note here... gotta get working on that to make her sign him up for a sport and be sure to be there on her time. Oh... and since I can see how much that bothers her, is there anything else I could wriggle myself into on her time so I can wreck the peace? Does son have any concerts I never cared about before, but I could be sure to say now how important it is to me? Parent-teacher conferences? I really never had time for that, but it would be worth making time for that now!!! There must be some other "activities" that would seem normal and natural for a dad to want to share with his son that I could suddenly have a great need to pursue, just to get on Drained's nerves. Can't think of any right now... but this is just too good of an opportunity to let go. There must be something!!!!")

Drained."

Anyway.... you can kind of see what I'm getting at. These responses only serve to encourage him.

But again... I'm not faulting you for getting triggered or wanting to correct inaccuracies and misrepresentations. It's just that we have to remember that this is NOT a normal situation of somebody making a mistake but wanting things to be correct. This is a game (...or more accurately, a war).

I am currently going through a bunch of stuff trying to get my place de-cluttered. In some ways it is quite the educational experience. I came across a draft of a "letter" I wrote to stbx, and it was quite an education for me to read it now. It was written before we separated, before I had filed for divorce, maybe even before or early into my seeing a therapist, I don't know about that. I was trying to write an essay to get him to see how invalidated I felt. In those days stbx would blame all of our problems on that I had PMS (by the way, I don't). But I absolutely had not been able to get him to see that, and any attempts of mine to reason with him had always been met with accusations that I was in denial, that I couldn't accurately judge what was going on "because of my condition", that I was out of control. I wasn't out of control, but yes, sometimes arguments got heated... on both sides, I might add. But stbx of course never acknowledged his contributions and always remembered any little detail of my frustrations. So in this particular little essay I had tried to explain all of that.. yet again... thinking if I wrote it all out in a letter, at least I'd be able to lay out my whole case without being interrupted. And maybe he would understand it if he would actually read the whole thing through. Furthermore, there was another ongoing issue at work where he had had some temper tantrums with the chair of the department (and he was angry at me - we work together - that I wouldn't "boycott" my responsibilities at work because of his fight.) So I was elaborating on my arguments trying to show how the way I felt was exactly analogous to the way he had been feeling (i.e., invalidated) which led him to get frustrated and really over-react with the Chair really more than I ever had done with him! But I thought if he could just see how his own situation was, and I could get him to see that I was feeling the exact same way for many similar reasons, then I might be able to get through to him!!!!

Looking at this draft, it was also interesting to see how when I proofread it, I kept putting in qualifiers. Whenever I had stated something, I went back and added some kind of modifier like "in my opinion", or "it seems to me", or whatever. I wasn't even comfortable stating an opinion firmly!!!!

Anyway, long story short... guess what? Do you think it made a difference????

Heck, no!!!!!!!!!

Thing is, narcissists are not trying to reason with you. In fact, your trying to reason with them is simply more narcissistic supply because it means the attention is on them. "Wow!", my stbx must have thought. "Look at all of the effort Shawnee put into writing this essay. In fact, she really must have carefully crafted it, it is so comprehensive. I bet she is REALLY going to freak out when I tell her she is wrong!! And even better... if she really freaks out, I'll be able to blame it on HER HORMONES!!!!! Wow, this is going to be a blast!!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!"

It took me a really, really long time to learn this because I truly wanted to fix things and I had a totally unrealistic feeling that if only I found the right approach, I would be able to fix it.

Only after a couple of years and really getting physically run down to where I couldn't go on did it finally start to dawn on me that my stbx was not at all interested in what was really the source of our problems or even trying to fix our problems. His only concern was that things go the way he wanted them to go. Luckily I never was in the situation that you are in so I haven't had to deal with a narcissist whose goal is to inflict pain on somebody they think let them down. When things broke down finally for good between us, my stbx just dropped me and our only confrontations really have been over trying to divide things. And since I'm willing to divide them unequally but he knows how much I legally could get if it went to trial, he has preferred to act in his own best interest. And we don't have any minor children so we really won't have so much to do with each other in all respects other than work (and how much he can torment me there is limited....)

You, however, are stuck in this game/war.

So.... it is going to be so critical to you to figure out how to not let on what things bother you because that simply gives him the ammunition he needs to step up his harassment of you and S10.

Personally I think I would adopt a strategy of: whatever clothes S10 comes to you in, he goes back to Bleezy in. Who cares about billboards. He doesn't have to wear the t-shirts at your home. He can wear back whatever clothes (billboards, sneakers, small underwear, whatever) that he arrived in.

If Bleezy e-mails you to complain about your sending him back in small underwear, don't even acknowledge it. If he continues to assault you, maybe one simple statement e-mailed back: "My new policy will be to send him back in whatever clothes he arrives in, so this will solve any prior conflicts over what clothes belong where."

Regarding items your son brings with him: iPods and who knows what might come in the future, you may want to make a blanket policy: "I discourage your sending any expensive items or equipment. However, if you do so, I will not be held responsible for loss or damage." And let it go at that. If he wants to threaten court, fine, he can threaten. When you have a chance to talk to your lawyer, you can get confirmation. But I agree, he's not going to take you to court over it and if he does, I seriously doubt you could be held liable. (But your lawyer can advise). I mean really... your son's friend and sister probably are fine, but what if one of them took the iPod? You just have no way of knowing or of controlling for things like that that might happen. You just cannot afford to put yourself in the position to have to replace things that get broken or possibly stolen. What if next time S10 comes home with an expensive laptop computer and it gets lost/stolen? Things are expensive!!!! Let Bleezy decide where and when he wants to risk them. So just let him know that you do not want these things in your house and if they do arrive, you do not accept responsibility for them.

Finally... sorry this is getting so long!!!! .... accept that you are going to be triggered. Come here and rant BEFORE you send off that e-mail reply!!! Or alternatively, turn this to your advantage. If your anger is triggered, anger can provide a lot of energy. How about you designate some kind of project around the home that needs a lot of energy, and every time you are triggered, you can go and diffuse that energy on your project. (Pick a section of the basement to scrub, remove the paint, and repaint; pick a piece of furniture to strip and re-varnish; vow to go and mop and wax the kitchen floor; whatever!!! Pick stuff that takes physical energy!!!! And find yourself smiling and thanking Bleezy when your house starts to shine and glow, and you know that a lot of it is courtesy of Bleezy!!!!!)

And calm yourself knowing that one day... hopefully sooner if the trial in Feb works out to your advantage, but if not, eventually since S10 won't be a minor forever .... some day you really will be free from that jerk. You can do it!!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Motto: Ignore, Circumvent, Let Go

S10 comes home and tells you all about what his father said. "Thank you sweetie". Ignore it. Then let go. If Bleezy brings it up directly to you "I needed conformation from you about this matter" or feign misunderstanding. "Oh, That's what you meant"

For the underwear, buy medium underwear, buy small tags at the fabric store and replace the medium tags. Viola - "small" underwear. I little white lie to son - this is a different brand, I think that they fit bigger than the other brand. Or even buy a adult small that does not look to big (something stretchy like a knit boxer). Then let go. Never bring it up again.

The general idea through out is to reduce that ticked off feeling that Bleezy sees when he bugs you. Come here and vent, yell in the shower, but Bleezy gets nada. It is really hard at first, but it does get better. His communications with you may not change, but your reaction to them will. Eventually they start to sound pathetic instead of intimidating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

{{Drained}}

I totally agree with MG, start protecting your sanity.

Bleezy still has control and he knows it's working therefore he will continue until the end of time.

What I do with Loon is strictly business. He can go off on whatever tangent he wants, all my answers are yes, no or a simple shoulder shrug, I will not utter another word to him. Loon can go off on whatever he likes about the boys and I just smile and nod. This really drives them crazy. You need to sever Bleezy's control. His mutterings about taking you to court about an Ipod, still just projection, he can't, so smile and nod. Your home, your rules, period.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Every time your son comes in with small underwear, throw them away. If you send them back, then they have one more pair of small underwear to send on him next time. Eventually, your ex will either run out of small and not be able to do it anymore, or he'll have to go out and buy small underwear to keep doing it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Short of sending him back nude I don't know what else you can do - I would send back every top or item that is theirs at the next exchange.

I would refuse the ipod coming to your house point blank - it's being used as a manipulating tool. Get your own if you must, and it never goes to Bleezy's.

I honestly can't believe, dear Drained, that the numbskull continues the rubbish with the underpants, it's just insane. I don't know how you've managed to cope with this for so so long. I hope it gets exposed in the court in February what a twat/troll Bleezy really is.

And yes, I think SM is a pawn in this, Bleezy has her under his thumb, doing his abuse by proxy.

The only positive in this is that son has his own set of drawers to store his things. I hope he has a lock on them! He can refuse to put on any smalls, if they are still around (egads!!!). He needs to start taking some responsibility for where his things end up. I know my twins are now nearly 8 and they are getting better at finding their things - although their bedroom is like the vanishing cabinet over there - where some things vanish to we will never know.

Slack buys shoes/boots, etc which the younger girls want to bring back here and wear, and so I have to keep track of those things and send them back. He also bought them new Nintendo games. Unfortunately it works both ways. If you don't return the things from his place, well he won't return the things from your place out of spite. Even if it's not deliberate! he withholds things. Or I find lately Slack has been playing the overly generous game of spending loads of money, buying things for me as well, ........ he's now saying he will pay for contact lenses, braces, for the older girls, band (instrument hire, lessons, fees) for the younger girls - so they can all do and get what they want. I am finding it a little disconcerting as in the past he has totally withheld money altogether. What he is offering to pay can be taken away as well...

Also, I wouldn't be confiscating the ipod. Keep yourself totally separate from that if at all possible - it opens a big can of worms - where he can accuse YOU of controlling HIS gifts to his son. Try and think of other consequences - or if you do decide to confiscate it only ever make the time until he goes to his fathers and then add something like 'no tv for a day also' - which is easily done at yours.

Slack used to buy D14 books all the time - it's stopped at the moment. It's a nice thought when you look at it at surface value - however he would drop them off whenever it suited him, or it pleased D14. To the point she was behind with her actual homework, or book she had to read for English, because she was forever reading these books. It then became a SECRET between her father and herself as to when he would drop things off. I confiscated some of the books to stop her from reading them so she would finish her homework! D14 (it was a couple of years ago now) got SO SO angry at me for taking things her dad had given her. I'm sure he was laughing the whole time - I had explained the problems to him, and he just ignored it.

It's hard explaining it to others as well, as they just don't get it - they think he's wonderful buying her books to read! or that I'm interfering with his relationship with her. :( In fact now, she has separated herself a bit from her relationship with her father lately - she's grown up a bit and I think sees the wood for the trees.

Son is 10, but they grow so quickly - he is well aware of his fathers manipulations and his lack of respect for sons personal space, safety etc. even now.

He is getting closer to refusing point blank to go.

I do hope you go well in February and that there is some relief from this insanity for you.

PS Ive missed you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, I agree with Shawnee, say to him, "if you decide to send ... expensive item..... with son then that's your decision, however i will not be held responsible if it breaks or is lost. " or something similar.

The clothes fiasco - just keep sending him back in what he arrives in - but the first time he goes back again from now - send him with all the other clothes you have of Bleezy's. I think that's the best plan. If he sends him over in smalls, send him back with the smalls in a bag and son goes without underpants. I thin keeping Bleezy's clothes like that just causes more problems - he will use it against you saying you are keeping his clothes.

Reading Shawnee's suggestions - it all is so similar in many ways about what I have to deal with - just different scenarios - but essentially the same thing - to respond with minimal reaction, with a certain detachment so he doesn't see you are upset. Don't feed the Narcissist.

In fact, we could have a narcissist zoo with many cages with all these crazy looking men in there with their labelled t-shirts "Bleezy", "Slack", "Tapey" "Puckhead", "Pee cup" etc and a big sign "DON'T FEED THE NARCISSISTS!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(((Drained))) First of, I do think you need to vent! Venting here is a great idea and I think it can help you to re-ground yourself so you are prepared to respond rationally and strategically to Bleezy's moves with optimal "counter-moves" (shall we call them?!!! Since this is basically a ground-war, I think the terminology is appropriate!!!) Yes, I needed to vent - and vent here. Noone else really gets it. I appreaciate your starting right off with acknowledging my need to vent - as even sometimes here I sense some don't get it, and are tired of hearing about my frustrations with Bleezy.

Right now I think you are in the position where you are recognizing what is going on. (That's good!! It's the first pre-requisite to dealing effectively with this!!!!) But you still are getting severely triggered (deservedly so), and you are sometimes responding based on your emotional reaction as opposed to thinking about whether your response is strategically wise.

For example, I'll make some comments in your letters that point out how your response is giving Bleezy the "reward" and narcissistic supply he craves: Oh how you so nailed Bleezy's thinking - to a T. I know that's exactly how he thinks - and it was so wild and unnerving yet validating that you too know the inner workings of his (their) minds.

Anyway.... you can kind of see what I'm getting at. These responses only serve to encourage him. I realized this when writing it. I have written many responses to him - but did not send them - as to avoid ecouraging him. I have been feeling sufficated and stifeled for so long now. The thought "I'm just supposed to sit here and TAKE IT and TAKE IT" kept running through my head - JUST as it did over and over again when we were together.

But again... I'm not faulting you for getting triggered or wanting to correct inaccuracies and misrepresentations. It's just that we have to remember that this is NOT a normal situation of somebody making a mistake but wanting things to be correct. This is a game (...or more accurately, a war).

I am currently going through a bunch of stuff trying to get my place de-cluttered. In some ways it is quite the educational experience. I came across a draft of a "letter" I wrote to stbx, and it was quite an education for me to read it now. It was written before we separated, before I had filed for divorce, maybe even before or early into my seeing a therapist, I don't know about that. I was trying to write an essay to get him to see how invalidated I felt. In those days stbx would blame all of our problems on that I had PMS (by the way, I don't). But I absolutely had not been able to get him to see that, and any attempts of mine to reason with him had always been met with accusations that I was in denial, that I couldn't accurately judge what was going on "because of my condition", that I was out of control. I wasn't out of control, but yes, sometimes arguments got heated... on both sides, I might add. But stbx of course never acknowledged his contributions and always remembered any little detail of my frustrations. So in this particular little essay I had tried to explain all of that.. yet again... thinking if I wrote it all out in a letter, at least I'd be able to lay out my whole case without being interrupted. And maybe he would understand it if he would actually read the whole thing through. Furthermore, there was another ongoing issue at work where he had had some temper tantrums with the chair of the department (and he was angry at me - we work together - that I wouldn't "boycott" my responsibilities at work because of his fight.) So I was elaborating on my arguments trying to show how the way I felt was exactly analogous to the way he had been feeling (i.e., invalidated) which led him to get frustrated and really over-react with the Chair really more than I ever had done with him! But I thought if he could just see how his own situation was, and I could get him to see that I was feeling the exact same way for many similar reasons, then I might be able to get through to him!!!! I do realize that nothing I say or write will get through to Bleezy, there will be no light bulb moment with him - as he DOES realize exactly what he's doing and the damage it is causing (of course he does - it's INTENTIONAL and with purpose). I'm never going to get Bleezy to change or stop what he's doing that is so destructive to both myself and our child. I wrote what I wrote - for ME (to stand up for myself and use my God Given Voice!) and for the court's eyes.

Looking at this draft, it was also interesting to see how when I proofread it, I kept putting in qualifiers. Whenever I had stated something, I went back and added some kind of modifier like "in my opinion", or "it seems to me", or whatever. I wasn't even comfortable stating an opinion firmly!!!! I know exactly what your talking about with qualifiers. We are basically trained by them, and the courts, to not speak with conviction.

Anyway, long story short... guess what? Do you think it made a difference????

Heck, no!!!!!!!!!

Thing is, narcissists are not trying to reason with you. In fact, your trying to reason with them is simply more narcissistic supply because it means the attention is on them. "Wow!", my stbx must have thought. "Look at all of the effort Shawnee put into writing this essay. In fact, she really must have carefully crafted it, it is so comprehensive. I bet she is REALLY going to freak out when I tell her she is wrong!! And even better... if she really freaks out, I'll be able to blame it on HER HORMONES!!!!! Wow, this is going to be a blast!!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!" It really is amazing to me the insight you have as to their thinking. I too realized that with my defending myself, and explaining things to Bleezy - and writing out long notes - were moments of pure joy for Bleezy - in seeing how much time and effort I put into responding to his lunacy.

It took me a really, really long time to learn this because I truly wanted to fix things and I had a totally unrealistic feeling that if only I found the right approach, I would be able to fix it.

Only after a couple of years and really getting physically run down to where I couldn't go on did it finally start to dawn on me that my stbx was not at all interested in what was really the source of our problems or even trying to fix our problems. His only concern was that things go the way he wanted them to go. Luckily I never was in the situation that you are in so I haven't had to deal with a narcissist whose goal is to inflict pain on somebody they think let them down. When things broke down finally for good between us, my stbx just dropped me and our only confrontations really have been over trying to divide things. And since I'm willing to divide them unequally but he knows how much I legally could get if it went to trial, he has preferred to act in his own best interest. And we don't have any minor children so we really won't have so much to do with each other in all respects other than work (and how much he can torment me there is limited....)

You, however, are stuck in this game/war. And am sick of it. This is MY life - and my Son's life. Bleezy is destroying our lives.

So.... it is going to be so critical to you to figure out how to not let on what things bother you because that simply gives him the ammunition he needs to step up his harassment of you and S10.

Personally I think I would adopt a strategy of: whatever clothes S10 comes to you in, he goes back to Bleezy in. Who cares about billboards. He doesn't have to wear the t-shirts at your home. He can wear back whatever clothes (billboards, sneakers, small underwear, whatever) that he arrived in. Did. Done. Still doing. Problem still remains, with their continuing to send him in the Billboard t-shirts - 1) Son knows when they lay these clothes out for him that it is an act of disrespect/spite towards me, B) knows he is being used as their messenger of spite, C) knows from experience that if he puts on a different shirt that they will send him back into his room to change back into their intended shirt, D) when he arrives here I will make him change out of the shirt. They still get their message across - to him, and to me. The message to him: You'er mother doesn't deserve respect, and we don't respect you either.

If Bleezy e-mails you to complain about your sending him back in small underwear, don't even acknowledge it. If he continues to assault you, maybe one simple statement e-mailed back: "My new policy will be to send him back in whatever clothes he arrives in, so this will solve any prior conflicts over what clothes belong where." I did convey to Bleezy, in writing, of my new policy - and took back a little of my own sanity/power in calling-out his insanity as he is now harrassing me (again, over clothing) that originated from his household. It's documentednow, for whatever that's worth for the court. I know there is no reaasoning with someone who is so entrenched in having power and control over me.

Regarding items your son brings with him: iPods and who knows what might come in the future, you may want to make a blanket policy: "I discourage your sending any expensive items or equipment. However, if you do so, I will not be held responsible for loss or damage." And let it go at that. I figure that's already a given, as I have in writing from him those very words regarding items from here sent there. If he wants to threaten court, fine, he can threaten. Agreed - and of course I'll laugh internally at the threat. You can see my response: GO FOR IT Bllezy. What is NOT okay is that he (they) threatened it not to me - but through our Son. Son explains it to me that first it was the SM who told him that - then she and Bleezy both had a sit down with Son, and both told HIM that if I don't replace and or return their IPod, they will take me back to court. This impacts onto Son their constant message - we will bully, intimidate, and harrass both you and your mother ceaselessly. When you have a chance to talk to your lawyer, you can get confirmation. But I agree, he's not going to take you to court over it and if he does, I seriously doubt you could be held liable. (But your lawyer can advise). I haven't even mentioned it to lawyer. I figure - let him bring it up (the the attorney's). If he does - he'll be opening himself up to his double standards, his lunacy on what is HIS and what is SONS, as well as his undermining my parental authority (as I do have the right to ground Son from HIS own IPod) I mean really... your son's friend and sister probably are fine, but what if one of them took the iPod? You just have no way of knowing or of controlling for things like that that might happen. You just cannot afford to put yourself in the position to have to replace things that get broken or possibly stolen. What if next time S10 comes home with an expensive laptop computer and it gets lost/stolen? Things are expensive!!!! Let Bleezy decide where and when he wants to risk them. So just let him know that you do not want these things in your house and if they do arrive, you do not accept responsibility for them.

Finally... sorry this is getting so long!!!! .NO need to apologize - that you did spend so much time, effort and thought into replying to my post is so touching and apprecaited humongusly!!!!... accept that you are going to be triggered. Come here and rant BEFORE you send off that e-mail reply!!! Deal. I'm done with responding to him at this juncture. We're in court. I have enough fresh, and past documentation as to his controlling, vindictive, harrassing, illogical behavior to support my non-coparenting (not responding) with him. Or alternatively, turn this to your advantage. If your anger is triggered, anger can provide a lot of energy. How about you designate some kind of project around the home that needs a lot of energy, and every time you are triggered, you can go and diffuse that energy on your project. (Pick a section of the basement to scrub, remove the paint, and repaint; pick a piece of furniture to strip and re-varnish; vow to go and mop and wax the kitchen floor; whatever!!! Pick stuff that takes physical energy!!!! And find yourself smiling and thanking Bleezy when your house starts to shine and glow, and you know that a lot of it is courtesy of Bleezy!!!!!) I love my new part-time minimum wage job working at Son's school's cafeteria; I don't think for one second about Bleezy and his antics - for 5 hours straight every school day. It's soooo emotionally theraputic. And with selling the house in Nov. and moving into this rental - I've been distracted alot from dwelling on Bleezy's craziness - though Son's coming home from being there and the things he tells me and the shirts he got on his back and the notes he comes bearing, and his drastically changed personality and behavior have all been 'triggers' - as Bleezy of course intends.

And calm yourself knowing that one day... hopefully sooner if the trial in Feb works out to your advantage, but if not, eventually since S10 won't be a minor forever .... some day you really will be free from that jerk. You can do it!!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Short of sending him back nude I don't know what else you can do - I would send back every top or item that is theirs at the next exchange.

I would refuse the ipod coming to your house point blank - it's being used as a manipulating tool. Get your own if you must, and it never goes to Bleezy's.

I honestly can't believe, dear Drained, that the numbskull continues the rubbish with the underpants, it's just insane. I don't know how you've managed to cope with this for so so long. I hope it gets exposed in the court in February what a twat/troll Bleezy really is.

And yes, I think SM is a pawn in this, Bleezy has her under his thumb, doing his abuse by proxy.

The only positive in this is that son has his own set of drawers to store his things. I hope he has a lock on them! He can refuse to put on any smalls, if they are still around (egads!!!). He has refused. They won't allow him to refuse. They make him wear what they want him to wear. He too, is being stifeled. He tried to have a voice - he has been punished for it. He needs to start taking some responsibility for where his things end up. I know my twins are now nearly 8 and they are getting better at finding their things - although their bedroom is like the vanishing cabinet over there - where some things vanish to we will never know.

Slack buys shoes/boots, etc which the younger girls want to bring back here and wear, and so I have to keep track of those things and send them back. He also bought them new Nintendo games. Unfortunately it works both ways. If you don't return the things from his place, well he won't return the things from your place out of spite. Even if it's not deliberate! he withholds things. Or I find lately Slack has been playing the overly generous game of spending loads of money, buying things for me as well, ........ he's now saying he will pay for contact lenses, braces, for the older girls, band (instrument hire, lessons, fees) for the younger girls - so they can all do and get what they want. I am finding it a little disconcerting as in the past he has totally withheld money altogether. What he is offering to pay can be taken away as well...

Also, I wouldn't be confiscating the ipod. Keep yourself totally separate from that if at all possible - it opens a big can of worms - where he can accuse YOU of controlling HIS gifts to his son. Try and think of other consequences - or if you do decide to confiscate it only ever make the time until he goes to his fathers and then add something like 'no tv for a day also' - which is easily done at yours. That's what I've been doing for two years now - always sendingback the IPod. Son learned that he can act up, act out here - before going to Dad's - cuz no matter what - I'll hand over his IPod to take back to Dad's. I realized that's just what Bleezy intended when he sent that IPod here. It's undermining my parental authority. I do have every right to ground Son from his own IPod - and it IS Son's IPod - not Dad's. Bleezy is exploiting the 'what originated from my household' situation - all the while dictating adn ranting and raving to me for years upon years that Son's shoes belong to Son, Son's underwear belong to Son, it's not MY clothes, or his clothes - it's Sons (but Son has to bring back what Bleezy purchased him). It's so slanted and lopsided and hypocritical - it's mindboggeling!

Slack used to buy D14 books all the time - it's stopped at the moment. It's a nice thought when you look at it at surface value - however he would drop them off whenever it suited him, or it pleased D14. To the point she was behind with her actual homework, or book she had to read for English, because she was forever reading these books. It then became a SECRET between her father and herself as to when he would drop things off. I confiscated some of the books to stop her from reading them so she would finish her homework! D14 (it was a couple of years ago now) got SO SO angry at me for taking things her dad had given her. I'm sure he was laughing the whole time - I had explained the problems to him, and he just ignored it. Yeah, your Slack is a real piece of work to; using anything he can to get into your house, invade your home, your time with the kids, undermine your parental authority too. In one regard, I have it a bit better than you - as Bleezy is court ordered to not set foot on my property. However - he is now going through Son to create conflicts during exchanges, so essenstially, little has changed.

It's hard explaining it to others as well, as they just don't get it - they think he's wonderful buying her books to read! or that I'm interfering with his relationship with her. :( In fact now, she has separated herself a bit from her relationship with her father lately - she's grown up a bit and I think sees the wood for the trees.

Son is 10, but they grow so quickly - he is well aware of his fathers manipulations and his lack of respect for sons personal space, safety etc. even now.

He is getting closer to refusing point blank to go.

I do hope you go well in February and that there is some relief from this insanity for you. Thanks!

PS Ive missed you! I needed to stop coming here for a long while - doing anything I could to not let thoughts of Bleezy and all his lunacy consume me. You can see if been going through some major changes as well. As Shawnee commented - I needed to VENT - to get it OUT of me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Every time your son comes in with small underwear, throw them away. If you send them back, then they have one more pair of small underwear to send on him next time. Eventually, your ex will either run out of small and not be able to do it anymore, or he'll have to go out and buy small underwear to keep doing it.

Thanks NoRoses. That's pretty much what I did - I pulled the smalls out of circuation, and kept sending him in properly fitting underpants. I figured they would eventually run out of smalls. They didn't! So I then switched to just sending him back in whatever they sent him in to me. That put it on Son to speak up to them (rather then me) about HIS issue with the smalls. He did, and was punished for it, and the smalls just kept on coming. It was a no win situation for anyone, but Bleezy and the SM - who simply get their kicks outta petty crud like this - a power struggel over underwear! - Ultimately - it's their continuing message to Son and myself - we are not to have a voice, we are to just shut up and take whatever they feel we deserve.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

{{Drained}}

I totally agree with MG, start protecting your sanity.

Bleezy still has control and he knows it's working therefore he will continue until the end of time.

What I do with Loon is strictly business. He can go off on whatever tangent he wants, all my answers are yes, no or a simple shoulder shrug, I will not utter another word to him. Loon can go off on whatever he likes about the boys and I just smile and nod. This really drives them crazy. You need to sever Bleezy's control. His mutterings about taking you to court about an Ipod, still just projection, he can't, so smile and nod. Your home, your rules, period.

Thanks Dawn. I've been either strictly business or more so: no response, for so long now. I have only been responding recently - for my own sanity, and for the courts eyes. The non-response was driving Bleezy mad. And yep, just as other's said he would - he AMPED things up. Well, their amped up anyways with us being back in court - so I figured, what the heck - feed the troll, speak up and out - document his lunacy. I think I did okay. I feel good about it in anycase, though now I'm done (again). And your right - my home, my rules. I have not backed down on that, regarding the IPod. Son remains grounded from it - till he follows the house rules for 7 consequitive days straight. The most he's accomplished so far is 4 days straight, then back to square one, again and again. I still remain staunch on this. I will not caveand send the IPod back JUST becuase Bleezy and the SM are threatening taking me back to court - not even when they threaten it TO Son. Nope. In fact: SINCE they threatened it TO Son rather than myself directly - I am filing contempt our court charges against Bleezy, as I told Bleezy I would do if he went thru Son again with issues he has with me or used Son as a messenger again against court orders. I am following through with the consequences I stated he would receive - just as you would with a child. He is a child!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Motto: Ignore, Circumvent, Let Go

S10 comes home and tells you all about what his father said. "Thank you sweetie". Ignore it. Then let go. If Bleezy brings it up directly to you "I needed conformation from you about this matter" or feign misunderstanding. "Oh, That's what you meant"

For the underwear, buy medium underwear, buy small tags at the fabric store and replace the medium tags. Viola - "small" underwear. I little white lie to son - this is a different brand, I think that they fit bigger than the other brand. Or even buy a adult small that does not look to big (something stretchy like a knit boxer). Then let go. Never bring it up again.

The general idea through out is to reduce that ticked off feeling that Bleezy sees when he bugs you. Come here and vent, yell in the shower, but Bleezy gets nada. It is really hard at first, but it does get better. His communications with you may not change, but your reaction to them will. Eventually they start to sound pathetic instead of intimidating.

Thanks 2017. Oh how Bleezy and the SM would so just LOVE it if I went trhough all that trouble of purchasing size small labels and sewing them into Son's underpants. They would have a freaking field day till the end of time with that one. No response from me didn't get them to become bored with their antics - they didnt lose interest in the games they played - they still continued, they still got their kicks outta playing evena one sided game, and it seems they even enjoyed more so - as they got to do and say whatever they felt like - I knew I was saying nothing in return - revelling in stifeling me (they revel in stifling Son ; punishing him for asking a simple 'Why', telling him he has to listen to his 21 y.o. half sister telling Son that he is not allowed to pet the dog ever again, telling him he has to go back into his room and put on the underwear/t-shirt they laid out for him, etc. Either way - response/reaction from me or not - they still get their kicks - they haven't lost interest - they are sooo entrenched in the game.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excellent suggestions Shawnee........

I would go one step further and suggest S10 asks to put out his own clothes; he is certainly old enough to pick outfits for school etc.

*MG*

Thanks MG. As you may have already read from my other responses to others here - Son has tired to speak up and use his voice, and he has been punished for it. He has tried to select a different pair of underwear or t-shirt from what they laid out for him - he is not allowed to do so there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you ever learn to LAUGH AT HIM...

Bleezy will lose his power over you.

You might try amusing yourself with trying to guess in advance which message you'll be sent.

You can always keep a large shirt in your car for son to slip on immediately, or a shirt inside the front door.

Turn the shirt inside out as he takes it off, wash it that way, and send him back wearing it inside out.

The thing is, try hard not to make your son a counter-pawn.

And believe that the only power bleezy has is what you give him.

He can't take it from you.

YOU own your mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There was something you said to Shawnee, in relation to your son having insight in to their madness with the billboard shirts, the small underwear, etc. Son understands that what they are doing is crazy, mean, disrespectful.

I think a strategy you can use in it is to try to laugh it off like what Lily suggests. If he turns up in smalls and billboard shirt you can sigh roll the eyes and say something like 'Golly its silly/crazy/etc this keeps happening, they are just doing it to annoy us son. We wont let it. ' or ' whats on your top today? "we will win"? they must be feeling rather insecure and silly to make you wear that hey, Their childish games... We can ignore them! ' put the shirt and smalls in a bag until heading back there. In fact the messages give you some insight into their mindset...

Explain (if you havent already-as its possible you already have) the concept of 'not feeding the troll'. Maybe not use that word, but to explain about not reacting or feeding the behaviour they continue to engage in. They like getting a reaction and they like seeing that you are upset by what they do.

Continuing to validate sons insight into their behaviour as you are doing is your greatest gift in all this. Your son is maturing faster and beyond the point that Bleezy remains at. He has insight into the stupidity and meanness of such behaviour with the underwear/billboard shirts.

There will come a time when son will decide to not go there Drained. He will decide he wont want to be subjected to such insanity anymore. He has a balanced comparison with his life with you. You show him that he and his feelings and his safety matters. You give him love and he knows he is important. He doesnt seem to be recieving this at bleezy's and your son will gravitate to where he is accepted and loved. And thats with you! Xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Last night, Son told me that his Dad told him that he was going to sign him up for baseball. I asked Son what he said to his Dad when he told him that, and Son replied he didn't say anything "cuz he didn't want to hurt his Dad's feelings" Son then started telling me how much he "really reallly really wants to play a league sport." Hmmmm. I have seen these trees before in these very woods.

I recalled the advise offered here; and just smiled at Son, said 'Noted.' - and that was that.

And, I could laugh. Add this never ending antic of Bleezy's to the list of things I will be telling the court in my just filed contempt of court motion - that I suppose would fall under his discuss parenting issues with our Son (without even discussing them with me - ya know the Mother, the Custodial Parent!!!!), and that this latest 'breech' (of an ongoing pattern) is just more evidence to support my motion. I could even chose to look at this latest antic as 'What an idiot' - given the timing.....cuz here it is: Jan. 20th - and Bleezy STILL hasn't provided to me nor my attorney (as far as I know), his financials, tax returns and his 'tweeking' (proposed parenting plan) that he was supposed to have filed two settlement conferences ago, and he was ordered to produce these documents no later than Jan. 20th with the court - or else he may be sanctioned with my attorney's costs. And here we are - still nothing filed. My attorney did mail me something Friday - but it wasn't his court ordered documents, it was a copy of the filed motion for contempt against Bleezy. Deadlines mean nothing to these jerks. Nor do court orders. You can't tell them what to do! When would you say your abuser stopped maturing?

Son's comment that he doesn't want to hurt his Dad's feelings??? Huh. Well there's a can of worms.

Thinking of conveying to Son that his Dad needs to talk with me first before it can be decided if & what sport he will be signed up for. Dunno. We've been over this and over this just last March - and every year before that come to think of it. I suppose I'll just say nothing, but if Son brings it up again - just tell him his Dad hasn't even mentioned it to me, the Mom, yet; and that we, as his parents, need to discuss it first.

Other news:

Son got an F on a test recently. He never gets F's - he's an A-B Honor Roll student.

Son had his best friend sleep over last night - and I overheard them getting into an argument. I heard his best friend tell Son to quit bullying him. My ears perked up and the broadstrokes are that Son wanted to go back outside to play 4 square, and the friend didn't want to play 4 square at that time, so Son then twisted his friends word around and started putting words into friends mouth that friend never said, friend argued back that that was not he said and kept repeating that he didn't want to play 4 square, but Son wouldn't listen to him. I, of course felt (feel) triggered by this - but I didn't show it. Easy enough to settle - "Friend? Do you want to play 4 square? (No, I don't). Okay - Son? Find something else you two can do together that you BOTH want to do. Done. Still triggered though - it was about what SON wanted to do - no matter what his friend said nor felt. And Son just kept pushing it - even after friend told him to quit bullying him. Argh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now