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Escapee

I'm over it, we're done

58 posts in this topic

Take someone with you when you go back to get your stuff. You do not want to be trapped in the house alone with him.

I'd avoid going for coffee with him in a public place-he is hurting because he no longer has you to pick on and abuse. He is an adult and can take care of himself (many of these abusers despite the sad face and tales about how they can't cope without their partner seem to manage rather well for themselves).

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What Fury said. I knew that was coming. Also what Percolate said. Don't meet with him alone. Stop talking to him. It does not serve you one bit. All it does is help him suck you back in by whatever means is necessary.

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What they said, to the 10th power. There's nothing positive that can come from it, he will just use it as an opportunity to try to manipulate you. You'd end up being hurt even more.

he's not hurting...not the way you or I would. He's having a tantrum cuz you took.his toy away, and he will do anything, try any tactic to get you back under his control. He's USING the APPEARANCE of being emotionally hurt, to.try to make you feel bad...to appeal to your heart and your empathy. He's really just angry.

It's a manipulation...what we call a hoover.

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my ex does this still (1 year later)

don't go back to the house alone, don't meet for coffee. If you go back, it'll be the same as it was before. He is NOT hurting as much as he is putting on, he will switch between tactics to get what he wants, he will swing back and forth from threatening to loving and begging you back.

They are manipulative ploys performed to try to control you and hurt you. His behavior is DESIGNED to hurt you. And it's working. On a normal healthy person, these types of manipulative behaviors work. You MUST see through the facade and CLEARLY HANG ONTO THE TRUTH. The TRUTH will set you free. do NOT forget THE TRUTH. Anchor yourself to it. Remind yourself of it. Remember WHO and WHAT he really is. And don't think he's safe even for a minute.

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Example

I agreed to meet with mine at church with a pastor. He cried, said he had been doing things wrong, etc etc.

I had already moved forward and filed, we were living apart, I agreed to meet with the pastor, he was all emotional and crying

Once we got to the parking lot to our cars afterwards? He asked me to dinner, I said I wasnt up for that and wanted to go home. He said "Well then get away from me cause all I want to do is have sex with you"

Nice huh? That sure will win me over!

Yes be careful and what everyone else said

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He is maintaining that he isn't that bad and that I shouldn't have walked out over such little matters. He isn't promising change. But he is resigning to the fact that it's over. He's even contemplating what he'll do different next relationship.

I briefly spoke to him this morning and decided I won't go there yet, nor will I meet with him. I don't think there's anything more to say, so I'm stopping contact.

I feel better for talking to him albeit only a very short conversation to confirm I am looking after the dogs well.

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Mine was nice when he felt he had a chance to get me back, once he didnt? All bets were off and he was nasty from then on out. That was back in 2000, hes still this way today

Mine too Escapee! See this as a blessing...

The threats are probably just threats but ARE grounds for an order. He wants to get SOME kind of emotion out of you. Fear is just as good as Love. Anything'll do.

The charm MAY still come - he's just not had to use it before - the "good christian wife" guilt has probably been enough to make you toe the line in the past. Admitting his wrong and being vulnerable enough to say he loves you and wants you back might be a tough one for him. Threats and violence work better.

Wasn't he flying across country if you didn't reply be his ultimatum time??

Did he carry out that threat? Take this as your baseline, they don't mean what they say they just say mean things to get what they want.

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After several threatening texts that don't intimidate you or evacuate your confidence to the point you scuttle back to him, he attempts to manipulate you with GUILT. You are with a whole forum full of folks with the same tendency to fall for that one.

It's a ruse. IF it were "true" this is what he would have presented to you first, before wishing your father dead and his other veiled threats. This is why we're telling you that sympathy for him is so misdirected and ironic.

Besides, what gall to even dare beg you for sympathy after his perverse threats! THAT, my friend, is evidence of a black heart, not a sorry, regretful heart. He's more of a pitcher plant hoping to snag you than he is regretful of his behavior. Disgusting.

Bink

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Please please don't meet alone with him and especially don't go back to the house to get your stuff without someone with you. My ex did the ultimate Hoover on me and I felt comfortable going back to the house to get my things. I could have lost my life. When I didn't give in to his tears and "sweetness" he started choking me...when I got up he hit me with a cane and then hi shoes. It was awful. I don't want that to happen to anyone else! Please don't go alone, don't believe in the sadness that he is showing you now. Protect yourself from this fraud of a man who will try to manipulate you back under his control, you are strong ...you can do this!

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they don't mean what they say they just say mean things to get what they want.

Manipulation, guilt, but notice all his desperation is about HIM and what HE lost, and what HE wants.

I especially love his comments above:

"He is maintaining that he isn't that bad and that I shouldn't have walked out over such little matters. He isn't promising change. But he is resigning to the fact that it's over. He's even contemplating what he'll do different next relationship."

Minimisation of your concerns.. 'such little matters', dismissing you by contemplating the next relationship........ trying to trigger SOMETHING in you - remorse, trigger you to approach him, chase him, want him.............. so then he can further 'Devalue, discard'.

I got similar "According to you I'm an abusive a-hole, I don't think I'm that bad, I think I'm pretty good.... You're the one that left! You're the one with the problem.... I don't need to change....I would still do it all the same. "

Slack used to communicate through songs - one he sent me was from Stolen Apples - Paul Kelly - our favourite singer together - the song?

"Outta my head"

I'm gonna f.. her right outta my head

I'm gonna jump from bed to bed

Sally, Sonia, Sophie, Sue

I aint met 'em all yet but I'm planning to

I'm gonna f... her right outta my head

etc

How dare he say he hopes your father dies. Carry outrage with that Escapee! That's just such a nasty, dirty thing to say. That's not love.

And so back to the above comment .... they don't mean what they say they just say mean things to get what they want. And what they want is to hurt and control you.

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It's just another ploy. He's not hurting any more than you are. If you meet with him, he'll twist your brain into knots again. He will use every little bit of contact to try to get you back by using whatever means he deems necessary. If crying and begging don't work, he'll switch it up and try to tear you down and make you feel like you're a horrible person. If that doesn't work, he'll turn on the charm and try to make you believe he's "changed". If that doesn't work, he'll make threats (outright or veiled). He wants what he wants when he wants it. He does not feel love or compassion or empathy. He only needs a supply for his own narcissistic needs. He will continue this "game" until YOU choose to stop "playing". Any bit of attention you give him (good or bad) is seen by him as validation that YOU are still willing to play the game.

So true. When mine, I like to call him Dr. Evil, found out I was leaving (my daughter foolishly texted her cousin and DE's sister saw the text), he begged, pleaded, threatened, told me I would be alone my whole life, promised to change, then told me it was all me and I needed to change...and on and on. When each thing didn't work, he tried something new. After I left, he even got me to sleep with him once....he turned on the charm and convinced me maybe we could be friends. Then after he was horrid and told me he had no feelings for me an was just horny. I am out 2 1/2 years now, still going through the divorce and he will STILL be kind when he wants to try and manipulate, then turn around and slap me with a contempt petition for nonsense. They are sick, twisted people. Don't give him a chance to dig any further into your brain. Instead, take a friend who will support you and keep you from being alone with him, get your stuff and leave quicly. We have all been there...it doesn't work.

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Instead, take a friend who will support you and keep you from being alone with him, get your stuff and leave quickly. We have all been there...it doesn't work.

How are you going with it Escapee?

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Yes how are you escapee ? Been thinking about you! Hope everything is okay whether you went back or stayed away we will still be here for you!

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Hi everyone,

I am so exhausted.

I didn't go back, but on Saturday I had a long conversation (by phone) where I explained that I wouldn't meet with him given the threats made earlier in the week.

We were able to talk through most of the issues and I believe he now understands exactly what has driven me to move out. He agrees that it was warranted but maintains he didn't realise how serious it had gotten. He made the point I had never actually spelled it out to him, but I pointed out how angry he has become and that I was fearful to do so. That drove home how much his anger has scared me.

I have promised to consider what I would need in order to continue with the marriage. Very clearly we've both stated it's not a promise to return or even to definately work on the relationship. I am thinking that while the issues specifically could probably be worked on, I don't know that the trust can be restored. He has scared me, and he has decieved and lied to me. They all have broken my trust to a point that I don't actually think it can be fixed.

My Dad came home from hospital on Saturday. We're now waiting to hear when the operation will be. We're really hoping he's not in over Christmas!

But my Mum has started up now. She's decided this is a time of 'restoration' for the family (i.e. relationships are being restored, how that fits with my husband is a little beyond me, but then she still sees me as part of her family as opposed to having created my own). She has decided I need healing and retraining whether I like it or not (her words). She's told me a few times to stop thinking like a victim. While she may be right, I see this as my choice and her forcing it as control. I figure I will live by her rules while I live under her roof, but that's it. But I need to move out asap. I'm not moving back in with B though.

Interestingly, I had a message from his friend begging me to forgive B for his "stupid mistake". The message was sent before our conversation on Saturday, back when B was thinking I'd left because of the drugs and po rn. There is NO WAY B has told his friend the extent of the issues. I've responded explaining there are many issues that B now understands, that B agrees my actions are reasonable, that I am glad B has a friend looking out for him, and that resolution of the issues needs to happen in B regardless of our relationship.

Anyway, that's how I'm going. I've got a really busy week and am SSSOOOOOOOO looking forward to the holidays. 5 days to go.

Escapee

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OH Escapee,

Here comes the charm! :hoover:

I know he has SAID the right things to make you even begin to reconsider but he also said HE WISHED YOUR FATHER DEAD.

Actions speak louder than words Escapee, remember how long it took you to leave and WHY, it is never easier the second time - because now they know what works and what doesn't so the manipulation becomes MORE covert.

I am all for family reconciliation too, but not with this man - you have no children, make the break!!!

PS. The fact that you are so exhausted is because you are battling with yourself. You have your instincts working to get you away and your thinking mind wanting to believe he can change.....

Re read over your old posts honey - he doesn't think you have reason to leave and he will do and say what needs to be said to get you back, then he will drop the charade. If you really believe he can change then let the change HAPPEN before you go back.

Now that you have what you wanted - the charm, now is the time to say you know what, you want me back and I'm stronger than you - I don't NEED YOU!

Think Taylor Swift's song. We are never ever getting back together. Listen to her words - she's dealt with this!!

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Yes Big Girl, I agree!

Let the change happen before I return. He must change first, then I will consider IF I can trust him again.

I want to believe he can change, but I don't believe he will. So even now I don't think I can trust him again. The charade (lies and decption) means I probably won't ever trust him again, even if he looks like he has changed.

I think the veiled truth he has told his friend is more evidence of his manipulation and deception.

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You sound like you have your head screwed on straight!

I'd just hate to see you get back with him to escape your mother (WTH??)

I always thought no-one else would ever want me because I believed his deception. He was wrong.

We never know what is around the corner. Mine had charm aplenty until he found out I had someone else, then the real hate and truth came out!!

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Escapee, please do whatever you can to get your hands on a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft as soon as possible, and try to suspend thinking about if/can he change until then.

it's classic how he tried to pin it on you for not telling him he treats you like crud...I snorted out loud when I saw that. It's not HIS fault for being a jerk, it's YOUR fault for not "correcting" him. Yeah, right. A nd"he didn't know" - I call "garbage" on that. He knew, he just didn't care.until you left, and now he wants you back under his control so he will (often very convincingly !) say whatever it takes to get you back.

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Hi Quad, I've ordered the book.

He sent me a message last night moaning about me not throwing our vows away, and had the audacity to go on about "what has he done... I just seek to be a good person and have church and a wife... that was my dream... both seem to fall through my grasp."

I only got the message this morning, but I also found out he's gone and sent my Mum an email last Thursday. My parents were pretty cagey about it, so I'm guessing B has divulged personal information I didn't want shared with them. They only said he had accused them of convincing me to leave.

I am so angry. I don't know if it was a stupid thing to do but I sent him an email setting him straight, and asking for a copy of the email sent to Mum to be forwarded to me.

My parents have enough on their plate. They do not need this.

Just last night I agreed we could go to councelling together in the new year to see if the issues could be resolved. But I don't want to be with a person who makes threats and carries them out. What a goose egg.

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goose egg? Hmmm, that's not the word I used...

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Escapee - please, please, please do not go to marriage counselling with this man. Counsellors generally assume that BOTH parties are equally at fault and do not recognize or understand abuse. He will use the counselling sessions as a way to get you to admit what you did "wrong" and then twist what happens there to his advantage. Counselling with abusers does not work. Tell him that HE needs to seek therapy on his own and you will do the same.

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The e-mail means nothing. For your mental health and sanity, disengage. You can't control what he says or does or who he e-mails. What you can do is stop entertaining the notion of staying together. He will NOT change. You are out, stay out. The best thing you can do for yourself is read that book when it comes. I didn't read it until I was out, and I think it could have helped me to expedite the process. We all think our abusive relationship is somehow different. Sadly though, they are all the same, line and verse.

You do not need couples therapy. If you get therapy, do what I did, and seek counseling for yourself. I wanted to understand how I could have possibly ended up in such a relationship, and what I could do to heal myself and prevent it from ever happening to me again. If he seeks counseling to try to help himself, so be it. There is some statistic tossed about that fewer than 2% of them actually change. I think 2% is being wildly generous.

Protect yourself, Escapee. You deserve better than this guy. HE threw your marriage away by being an abusive, controlling ahole. You want to be with someone who threatens to hit your animals? What would he do to your children if you had any? Is that a chance you want to take?

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I don't remember who said it, but somewhere I picked up that I should stop being surprised by the behaviour.

He has responded to my email belittling all my concerns and making up excuses, and pointing out where I have been worse. I should not be surprised. Apparently he has emailed a few people... I have no idea who. He didn't forward the email to Mum either.

Another thing that is really bugging me is that I feel like he has put a deadline on me. There is nothing forcing me to have a decision now. In fact I have repeatedly said "in the new year", and yet he is in my face (not literally) wanting to know now.

Okay, I HAVE to get some work done. Shutting down all communication channels til my lunch break.

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Umm, Escapee - the title of your topic is "I'm over it - we're done".

What has changed since then?

I think the idea of reading Lundy's book is an excellent one - sometimes I forget that not everyone has read this book.

I sat with my mouth open when I read that he had sent an email to your parents (ooh, they know where to hit hardest huh?), he said he wished your father dead, and now he expects them to side with him? - and this will have been the gist of his email, he has done nothing wrong, remember, just little transgressions like po rn?? Now your mother's whole "family reconciliation" thing makes a whole heap of sense to me!!

i wouldn't trust this guy with a ten foot barge pole! He is not trustworthy. You are in for a whole lot of hell if you agree to couple therapy. Read other's posts about it. This is why we have this forum, so others can benefit from our mistakes......

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I'd be asking myself this question "why am i communicating with him?"

If someone wished my father dead, i would NEVER speak to them again. A person who says this kind of thing would have no right to be in my life.

Can you see the seriousness of what he said to you?

You are putting your life in danger if you speak to him.

He has just told you who he is, please believe him.

I'd take back my power now, i'd be showing him my power by cutting all communication. Sorting out the property split with a solicitor.

You owe it to yourself to protect your life from danger. Please give yourself self respect now and cut this loser loose.

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