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Escapee

I'm over it, we're done

58 posts in this topic

Well, it's done. I left him.

So much has happened in the last few days.

It started Friday night. I went to a carols in the park event with just me and my parents. They had been really worried about me. They new something was going on but didn't know what. They wanted to help but with not knowing what was going on, they didn't feel they could. So I told them about it all.

We spent some hours going through it and discussing my options. They couldn't understand why I would stay if I had decided it was over. I explained about the finances and the house and how I needed legal advice before I wanted to leave.

Anyway, on the Saturday, my parents dropped round while B was out. I had actually done some cleaning up, but for the first time they saw a glimpse of how bad the house could actually get. They urged me again to leave if I didn't want to stay.

After they left, I started doing some more snooping. I found evidence of bank accounts which had been opened without my knowledge. I also found some websites he'd been accessing for po rn. It was pretty disturbing stuff.

So I slowly started gathering my stuff, and when he went out on Sunday evening, I went hell for leather and threw my stuff in the car. As I was putting the last of it in he drove up. The conversation went:

B: Are you taking that stuff to your parents?

Me: Yep

B: Now?

Me: Yep

B: Are you taking the dogs?

Me: Yep

B: Are you leaving?

Me: Yep

B: I'm so sorry, I'll be good now.

Me: I found the po rn

B: Oh

And that was it. I drove off.

He started texting so I responded that I would contact him at 5 in the afternoon the next day. I turned off my phone.

The next day Dad and I went to the bank and set up a new bank account in my name and established internet access for me to the joint accounts (previously only B had access). I transfered half our savings over.

Then we managed to get an appointment with a lawyer in the afternoon. We went through everything and figured out where I stood in it all. It was A LOT better than I thought. He thought I had been very generous leaving half the savings given it had all been generated from my income. He suggested I let B stay in the house for now until after New Years. Let it all settle down and the emotions to calm, and then the lawyer would send a letter offering a settlement to buy out his portion of the house. He thought it would all be pretty straight forward.

I phoned B at 5 and told him I was done and it was over. I explained I was staying at my parents and suggested we talk again in the new year. He offered to move out and I said if that's what you want to do then I'd be willing to talk about it. He wasn't too happy at that response.

Then my Dad took sick. He was taken to hospital that night. He has an enlarged kidney. We don't know what's actually wrong yet.

Yesteday B started texting about how it was all my fault etc etc. He eventually called from a private number. I answered but explained that Dad is sick in hospital, we don't know what's wrong yet, and that I couldn't deal with this today.

B continued to text for the next few hours. He gave me to the end of the day to get home or he would fly across the country. It then went silent.

Mid afternoon he reminded me of the clock and that I still had some time.

Finally he asked how my Dad was. Then silence.

This morning he's texted again to say he hopes my Dad has died.

Dad is fine for now. He's had a lot of tests done but we haven't had any results come in yet. He's been in a lot of pain but they finally managed to get it under control. He had a decent night's sleep. It could be kidney stones, an infected kidney, or cancer.

I'm exhausted. I don't know what I feel. Most of the time it's nothing. Sometimes it's grief, sometimes I question if I've done the right thing. I keep reminding myself how bad B has gotten, and that it's not okay.

I'm back at work now. It would be easier if B went, then I wouldn't have to worry about him turning up. I'm just concerned he won't sign over the house. Without that, I can't do anything without his consent. I need to ask him to provide a forwarding address. I'll send an email when the time feels right.

I don't want to move back in by myself though. The house is trashed. It is so much effort to clean up, it's just so overwhelming. But, I don't want to worry about this yet. B may just be making threats in order to hoover me back in. Time will tell.

Escapee

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(((Escapee))) Sounds like you have your mind made up. What you are doing isn't easy. I just wanted to say expect a HUGE hoover from him. He is going to try to say whatever it is he THINKS will get you back undder his control. He will try to be nice and when he sees that doesn't work he will be mean, when that doesn't work he will try to be even nicer and when that doesn't work he will be even meaner.

Reminds me of when I left my ex..HUGE gigantic hoovering went on. ...I left him three times and the third time was a charm.

I, like you, went and stayed with my parents for a few months before I could get back on my feet.

My ex was also into po rn...I foudn some pretty disgusting things too which was another one of my breaking points.

You are strong, you can do this and you DO deserve so much MORE!! You are in my thoughts.

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This morning he's texted again to say he hopes my Dad has died.

NOTHING could strengthen my resolve more.

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I'm still waiting for the nice side of him to come out. He's hitting the "traitor" aspect pretty hard.

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Keep records of all his text messages...you may find them useful later on (particularly if he escalates and you need to apply for an AVO). Check with your lawyer what the smartest thing to do is, if he abandons the house....it might be a good thing for you in the long run.

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This morning he's texted again to say he hopes my Dad has died.

This is really disgusting Escapee, there is absolutely no way this comment can be excused for any reason. What a POS.

Unfortunately, i think this is representative of what you're going to be dealing with, someone who's prepared to say and do anything in order to hurt. Please make sure you have all your bases covered Escapee, don't leave anything undone in the hope he'll be reasonable, because chances are he won't be.

Take care

Bounce :cheeky-smiley-005:

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This morning he's texted again to say he hopes my Dad has died.

Wow. That tells you everything. There is nothing, nothing that can ever justify or explain that away. If you feel you're being hoovered, just reread that text whenever necessary.

This is a hard time, but I'm glad you have the support of your parents. If B offers to leave the house, take him up on it before he thinks twice! If the house is yours, if all the savings are from your earnings, then depending on the laws in your state, I wouldn't feel bad about keeping every single penny you possibly can. This is your sweat, your work. He'll still get some of it but don't feel bad about keeping what's legally yours.

And, what the others said - he will be mean, as mean as he knows how to be. If you're ready for that it'll still hurt to an extent, but you won't be blindsided. And it makes it easier if he betrays his true nature, so take that as a sort of backward 'gift'. Sending hugs and encouragement. You are strong and decisive. You can do this!

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This morning he's texted again to say he hopes my Dad has died.

That one sentence tells you everything you need to know about this man. How low can a person sink?

I hope your dad gets better soon.

(((Escapee)))

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{{Escapee}}

You did it! You got out! I'm proud of your courage and strength and keep that strength as you will need it, ex will not go away easily.

Log all of the texts and emails, there will be a LOT. They will go from blame to threatening to lovey dovey all in about 3 seconds. Try not to read the drivel if you can. Try not to read them, he is getting under your skin. He will promise the moon and the stars just so you'll come back. As hard as you want to make your point, try not to answer the texts, only if it pertains to the divorce, answering the texts only gives them the feeling there is hope for a reconciliation.

Focus on your dad and take care of him, hope he feels better soon

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Have you seen Tangled? I don't recommend the movie in its entirety (I get annoyed with the classic "find yourself a pathetic sexy criminal to fall in love with!" message Disney movies push) BUT I love how they show Rapunzel get out of the tower, and then the guilt trips she falls into, how she sobs and thinks she's a horrible person for leaving the tower, and then she's dancing and singing and running around like a crazy person because she's REALLY enjoying her freedom again. Then she's sobbing facedown again thinking she's made a bad decision, and then she's dancing and singing again the next moment.

I think they did an EXCELLENT job portraying how it feels when you finally get free. Her relationship with her abusive fake-mom is so well portrayed and I identified a LOT with it!

When you first get away, you'll go through the roller coaster. I hung onto the "and the TRUTH will set you free" phrase. Because you can't get taken back in if you ANCHOR yourself on the truth. On the HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING truth!!! Previous to my abusive marriage, I thought "the truth" was all "sunshine and rainbows" and that "the truth" was that Jesus loved me and died for my sin, and then he came back to life and was preparing a place in eternity *cue "ladadadeeda" music*. During my abusive marriage and the getting out process, I realized THE TRUTH that was about to set my heart free, was NOT the "sunshine and rainbows" truth. It was the UGLY and HORRIBLE truth. THAT was the truth that was going to set me free. OFF comes the rose-colored glasses, and on comes the prescription pair that shows what's really going on around me. That truth, the truth of what he really is, how he REALLY feels about you, what his REAL plans are, THAT is the truth that will set your heart free.

Anchor yourself to THAT truth, and know that you are making the RIGHT CHOICE.

It will be one VERY VERY hard right choice.

His text regarding your dad, THAT IS THE TRUTH. That is not something that someone who loves you would EVER say. That was the OPPOSITE of Corinthians 13 love. That was CONTROL. He wants to CONTROL you, but he DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Unfortunately I can't say the path from here on out is all sunshine and roses either. but these are the steps that lead up, not down. You have a beautiful hope for a future.

Clips from Tangled that I recommend:

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=awvSykRdR4s

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Honestly, you don't need that "nice" side of him to kick in. There is no nice side to any of them. He wished your father dead. He is reprehensible. He will swing back in the other direction and try to win you over with his stellar charms.

My therapist told me it takes the average woman 7 attempts before she actually leaves. Buck those odds, and do it in one. He's worth nothing. No good times are worth the bad times you've endured, and will continue to endure. Good job getting this far, Escapee. Let your name be your guide.

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What is the "nice side" of a man who sent you a text hoping your father died?

Edelweiss' post about TRUTH and how horribly "correcting" (not to mention ugly) it can be captures the essence of our mutual dilemma. The abusive relationship and that reckoning "moment" is about the ugly truth stripped of denial and hope, staring you in the face like salvation. No flowers and soft white kittens here. Just awful :( but SO liberating.

We have another saying that goes something like this: Wait around long enough, and he will tell you exactly who and what he is.

ATM's behavior after I got the restraining order that kicked him off the farm was my real wake up call. It seemed much worse than the behavior prior to the end of the relationship. I'm still on the fence as to if his behavior was truly worse or if my self-shielding DENIAL just fell away like an old moldy curtain. In any event, the net effect was to open my eyes even farther and horrify me.

It might not take too long for your old stuff with your parents to rear it's not so pleasant head, either. They've been a safe place to land, and very supportive. I remember your past with them, and am just thinking to "warn" you not to let your guard down TOO much, which may be a huge temptation. They haven't changed their stripes, either. Benefit from their support, of course, but your well-being, what YOU need and must do to reclaim your life comes before what their ideas on the subject might be. Taking a clear line about this now may prevent a painful confrontation later on.

Bink

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Thank you all for your support. I'm all over the place now. I feel okay one minute and the next I want to sob.

The last text I got suggested I should get better air bags in the car today. That was yesterday afternoon. I've taken my wedding ring off now. That was a pretty big hurdle for me.

Good news on Dad, if it is cancer (they're not sure) then it hasn't spread. Today they'll decide what to do with him, they may remove his kidney just in case. But hopefully today we'll know.

Thanks Bink for the heads up. I've been keenly aware of this, and so far they're behaving. As soon as I can I will move out. Truth is I think they would prefer that too. Don't get me wrong, I am very welcome there, but particularly with the two dogs it is a big stretch to make it work. My sister, her hubby and their 3 month old baby will be turning up in a week too. The house will be full.

I feel devastated that B is not turning on the charm. There is no "I love you" or anything coming from him. It is all about what a horrible person to do this to him. He's not perfect but a good christian wife should be supporting him... I'm cold because I have my family for support and he has no one. The closest he's come to acknowledging that he requires change for this to work was to bargain my return for his stopping the po rn. It just doesn't come close. He has no concept as to why I've left him. As you say, there's no love there.

One of my negative traits is that I can be extremely stubborn. But while I've been told it is a negative trait, I actually don't see it that way. My stubborness has meant that when I decide something I stick to it. It's what got me out of the cult, it's what got me out of my parents house, and it's what will get me out of this relationship.

Escapee

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congrats, escapee.

i am the same way-i can be stubborn and it helped me leave...i am a "one timer". i left, turned my switch to "off" and never went back. i know not going back - even once- helped me heal and be able to move forward much quicker than i would have.

good luck to you. :)

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he may still turn on the charm. It's been one year for me and my ex still goes through the "phases" with me. One day he's trying to hoover me and the next he's sending me subtle death threats on facebook and telling me he'll make sure I fail school...... /facepalm This week he's been ending every conversation with "I love you" and telling me how he wants to try to help take care of me. *sigh* His creepy joke about me being dead was right before Thanksgiving, and then tonight on the phone he commented again about what we need to do with the kids in case I die....he's obviously been thinking about it a little too much....

They all use from the same playbook, but one thing you might want to remember is that he KNOWS HOW TO HURT YOU. and he'll stoop to any level to hurt you. What method do you think would bother you the most right now? Because likely, that's the method he'll use.

The only way to truly protect yourself is to go "no contact" if at all possible and if you do have to talk to him, talk in a bored and monotone voice. I use the bored monotone voice with my ex. I never initiate conversation, I always respond in as boring and uninteresting voice as possible.

Have you read "the loser" article? That's got GREAT advice on how to safely extricate yourself from these people.

http://www.drjoecarv...yingLosers.html

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I'm a bit unsure what to do. Yesterday he texted to say that he was at breaking point, i.e. get better air bags tomorrow. Then he has emailed me this morning about how my reasons for leaving were inflated, maybe he should cheat on me or bash me... in his mind this would be a real reason for divorce. But he goes on to say he doesn't care.

At what point do I go for a DVO?

I'm not aware that he's ever hit or hurt a person, although I use to watch him pretend to hit my dogs. They obviously fear him. He has also thrown beer bottles and coffee mugs when he gets really angry.

I've just gone through the MOSAIC Threat Assessment and got a score of 7 out of 10.

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I've just gone through the MOSAIC Threat Assessment and got a score of 7 out of 10.

Pay attention to that score! Throwing things and threatening to hurt your pets is a bad sign.

Talk to your local DV center about when the best time to get an RO is. And how to go about getting one-the law often says one thing, but judges vary in terms of their willingness to grant one.

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Good news on Dad, if it is cancer (they're not sure) then it hasn't spread. Today they'll decide what to do with him, they may remove his kidney just in case. But hopefully today we'll know.[/Quote]

I hope things go well with your father's health.

I feel devastated that B is not turning on the charm. There is no "I love you" or anything coming from him. It is all about what a horrible person to do this to him. [/Quote]

Some abusers never turn on the charm or appologize-they don't feel they've done anything wrong. And they can get really nasty in court because they have the dollars to back them up. Abusers who never applogize or turn on the charm tend to be highly educated and often upper income. There's a book based on the author's dissertation that describes this phenomena (Not to People like Us) and a website http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.com/.

We weren't upper income, but both of us were highly educated (both my xh and I have PhDs) and he definitely thought there was nothing wrong with his behavior.

One of my negative traits is that I can be extremely stubborn. But while I've been told it is a negative trait, I actually don't see it that way. My stubborness has meant that when I decide something I stick to it. It's what got me out of the cult, it's what got me out of my parents house, and it's what will get me out of this relationship.[/Quote]

I've been labeled stubborn many times...but like you believe it can be a positive trait. And having been free from abuse for approximately 10 or 15 years, I now recognize that those who were labeling me as "stubborn" were those who were trying to control me. No one other than my parents (abusers) and my x-husbands (I was a slow learner) has ever called me stubborn.

My significant other (a healthy person) actually admires my determination and what I've been abile to accomplish. He doesn't try to tell me what to do and I don't try to tell him what to do. We can and do make requests of the other person, and recognize that the other person has the right to say no or hold a different opinion about something (something that neither my parents nor my ex-husbands seemed to comprehend).

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Mine was nice when he felt he had a chance to get me back, once he didnt? All bets were off and he was nasty from then on out. That was back in 2000, hes still this way today

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The last text I got suggested I should get better air bags in the car today.

Holy crap! THAT is scary! I hope you keep these texts to remind yourself just how... pathologic he is.

I feel devastated that B is not turning on the charm. There is no "I love you" or anything coming from him.

My x never "hoovered" me either (and we were married 25+ years). Like you, I felt sad about that... like, gee, I wasn't even worth fighting for? But now looking back, I consider that to be a blessing. It made it easier to just leave that old life behind and move onward and forward and into a new wonderful life.

You're doing great, escapee!

Magic

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You know you can get a DVO from those threats......"get better airbags"...that's a threat. Throwing things is domestic violence.

You don't what this loser in your life what-so-ever. His hoover will be a pathetic con. He's a complete scumbag to say that about your dad. What a horrible person, go no contact. Don't read his bull$hit, cut all ties.

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I'm a bit unsure what to do. Yesterday he texted to say that he was at breaking point, i.e. get better air bags tomorrow. Then he has emailed me this morning about how my reasons for leaving were inflated, maybe he should cheat on me or bash me... in his mind this would be a real reason for divorce. But he goes on to say he doesn't care.

At what point do I go for a DVO?

Escapee you have both threatening texts and emails from this guy, take a trip down to your local police station, tell them you have recently separated from your husband and he is behaving in a threatening manner, show them the texts and the emails, ask them what they'd suggest.

Even if you don't want to go ahead and take out an intervention order right now, your visit to the police station will be documented, you will have this on record with the police in case you need it later.

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I agree...those types of threats need to be reported to the police. Stay safe!!

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Now he is begging for me to return. My heart is hurting so bad. He is hurting so bad.

I have to go back and get some stuff. I'm contemplating arranging a time with him tomorrow for me to get the stuff then we could go for a coffee (in a public place and taking seperate cars) and talk. I'm not going to go back, but I am very concerned for him.

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It's just another ploy. He's not hurting any more than you are. If you meet with him, he'll twist your brain into knots again. He will use every little bit of contact to try to get you back by using whatever means he deems necessary. If crying and begging don't work, he'll switch it up and try to tear you down and make you feel like you're a horrible person. If that doesn't work, he'll turn on the charm and try to make you believe he's "changed". If that doesn't work, he'll make threats (outright or veiled). He wants what he wants when he wants it. He does not feel love or compassion or empathy. He only needs a supply for his own narcissistic needs. He will continue this "game" until YOU choose to stop "playing". Any bit of attention you give him (good or bad) is seen by him as validation that YOU are still willing to play the game.

You are out physically, but until you can get out emotionally (which takes time), you must cut off contact with him. It's the only way to not get sucked back into the drama of a narcissist and possibly get sucked back into the relationship.

I was sucked back in for six months after I left my X because I was concerned for him. He was a meth addict and nearly lost his arm (and life) to a horrible infection in his shoulder from shooting up. Even in his weakened state post-surgery, while I was the only one to even show up to sit with him in his hospital room (his own MOTHER wouldn't), he started in on me yet again. I was "thrown out" of the hospital. LOL How many people can say that they've been eighty-sixed from a hospital? I was because I seemed like a raving lunatic after he started in on me again. And a few days later, when he was released, WHO did he call begging for a ride? Yep. Me. Even though I didn't even own a CAR. And what did I do? I borrowed by brother's truck and went to pick his sorry @$$ up. We weren't TWO BLOCKS away from the hospital before he started in on me again. This game went on until I made the decision to cut off contact and REFUSE to answer his calls, texts, etc.

Please don't meet with him. Please have a police officer escort you to your house to pick up the belongings you need. Please report the threats he has made to the local police.

He isn't worth your time, pity, compassion, or LIFE. Please be safe.

Hugs,

Fury

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