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Naiomi

He keeps reminding me why I should never go back

4 posts in this topic

Hi all :)

I hope everyone is well.

The divorce is still going through and should be finalised within a few months.

STBXH still wants to get back together but then again, of course he does. I guess he is missing having someone to use as a verbal punching bag on a regular basis. Me on the other hand, I don't miss him much at all, in fact I'm finding it really hard to remember anything really positive about our relationship. Sure there were a few good points but they are just completely overshadowed by the name calling, guilt trips and shouting. I miss some of the family outings and holidays but even they were often ruined by abuse. So seriously, what is there to miss?

Four months ago, a few weeks after I filed, I had doubts about divorce and I said to my husband, "let's wait. Let's not put the house up for sale yet and seriously think about what we are doing and take a step back." However, I did not put the divorce on hold, as he wanted. I said that I didn't feel ready to put in on hold, I wanted to see how things went yet, as we were going to try counselling. So, what did he do? He put the house up for sale anyway, to show me who was boss because I wouldn't play the game exactly his way. So, the house went up for sale and he went away for the weekend. When he got back to visit the kids, I had cleaned the house from top to bottom, all the clutter was put away, ready for the potential house viewings. So what did he do? He got angry because I 'should have known that he didn't mean it, that he didn't really want to put the house up for sale'. I should have apparently realised that he was just trying to teach me a lesson, to scare me into stopping the divorce. Then he complained because I had dared to clean the house and he had never seen it so tidy!

It was at that point that I knew it was over. I didn't want any more mind games or someone trying to control me. Anything that has come out of his mouth from that day forward, I haven't believed a word of. Apart from the fact that this man has been very verbally abusive for years, called me the worst words a woman could hear, has been unfaithful with a prostitute and now playing all these flipping mind games as well? No more.

Every week he will still put me down about something, or criticise me. Even this morning he shouted at me because I got the venue wrong for a party my daughter was going to. Then he rings me a day later and asks me if we can get back together? Ooooh yes please! What a treat that would be lol! Well in a way, at least it makes it easier for me to divorce him because he cannot even pretend to be nice for more than a day. Of course the divorce is my fault, because I should be more forgiving <_<

Things are looking up for me, which is great. I got a good part time job which pays well, quite a rarity usually. This means I can still do most of the school run, which I really wanted to try to do for my daughter. I've also had more me time, to spend with my friends when he has the kids and I've also joined a social group who meet up every few weeks.

My kids are ok, although I know they are finding it hard because we don't spend as much time with daddy as much any more but I am doing my best to keep the peace and encourage their relationship with their dad, even if I don't want him now. At least they are still very young and hopefully will adjust ok in the future.

Best wishes for now

/hugs

Naiomi (Maddie)

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Good to hear from you Naiomi. You are sounding strong and way clearer about what you want and don't want in your life.

Very normal to have those lingering doubts. I know I sure did for quite a while. Pretty sure they will fade away to nothing in time for you too. It certainly does help when they keep on showing their true colours. I am glad that you are at a point where you see all the manipulations including the playing nice for what they are.

You are doing the right thing by your kids. They will eventually accept that living apart is just the way it is. You may find that daddy will lose interest when it dawns on him that you are not ever coming back. What ever the relationship they have with him they are likely to need you to be the steady consistent parent.

Great that you have found a job that will work for you.

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Thanks for reporting your good news. I really can't remember anything "nice" about my 5-year relationship with the ex-abuser. Even the vacations and the good times, like you said, were marred by abuse. I'm so glad to be out.

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My ex Loon is acting the same way at the moment. One minute he loses it, then the next apologizes as he realized he pissed off his wallet and is still hoovering.

I don't miss him. I miss us, the facade of "family". I miss my house at times. I really don't care about him, he can take a long walk off a short bridge.

Life is getting better and will continue to get better day by day :nature-smiley-008:

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