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Sheri

Very Sick This Week

12 posts in this topic

I had a whole body flu this week. Everything hurt...even my skin. It hurt to move. It was a big chore just to go to the bathroom. It was in the middle of the night two days ago. I did get up to go to the bathroom. The dogs wanted out. I let them out. I went back to bed. H was awake. When one of the dogs scratched on the door I said, "H would you please let the dog in?" His answer: "Nope, she can stay outside. I said, "Please, it hurts to get up." Again he said, "No, I'm tired." So I got up and let the dog in. He then told me he was teasing me. So a little while later dog #2 was scratching at the door. I said, "Okay, now you have a chance to redeem yourself. Will you please let dog #2 in?" His answer: No, it's a beautiful evening. She can stay outside. I said, "Please?" Again it was no. I got up and let dog #2 in. I was mad. I said, "Is this the way you show me your love? You don't love me!" He said, "What IS it with you and these dogs tonite? WHY do the dogs have to come between us?" I said, "This is NOT about the dam dogs. When your spouse is not feeling well and needs you to help, then YOU should help!" He said, "The dogs don't have anything to do with your sickness. Now if you had asked me to rub your back, well then that would be different." The next day I was still running a fever and hadn't improved much. My D16 was home with a bad cold. It was H's day off. I asked if he would please fix us something to eat for dinner. He offered to make eggs. I told him I didn't want eggs, but that he could ask D16 if that's what she wanted. He sat and played on the internet for 15 minutes. Finally I asked him again to go and ask D16 what she wanted to eat. He said, "I don't have time. I have to go to (a town an hour away) to buy some clippers." I said, "So you've sat there for 15 minutes and you could have been making something for dinner?" He said, "Hey, I offered to make eggs and that wasn't good enough for ya, so I don't know what to tell ya." OMG I was sooooooo angry!!!!! I told him, "I am ready to end this marriage. You are either going to choose to be a loving husband and father, or I want a divorce. I am TIRED of this passive aggressive crap!" That scared him. So now he wants me to write down what a loving husband is so he will know...lol I REALLY am at that point, though. Perhaps I made too big a deal out of this, but it really hurt me to be so ill and my own husband wouldn't help me. That isn't love.

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He is NOT stupid. Why are you acting like he is dumb? He sounds pretty quick and manipulative to me. You asked for him to let the dogs in and he comes back with Why are you making the dogs the issue....that right there would have confused me instantly. He took an "in the moment" chore and turned it into a relationship issue. Wha.....?

My ex did this also but he was mentally ill....deranged. And it would INFURIATE me!!! What the heck does letting the dog in have to do with the state of our relationship? And why bring THAT up while I am laying there sick???? Because he saw me in a weakened state and felt that he could mentally mess with me without me defendning myself...there by upping the confusion and insanity....

Oh and his "fear" when you mention leaving....yeah, that's just part of the game. He's not scared. He knows you aren't going anywhere. The thing with abusers is they do not believe us because we have "lied" to them repeatedly. By saying we are going to leave and not or by leaving and coming back...

That whole "write me a list of how to be good" would make me want to vomit. Honestly, I think I did once when my ex asked the same thing....I didn't want a dog to train, or a child to raise..I wanted a PARTNER. And my ex was effectively telling me that he was NEVER going to be a partner, he was always going to be a leech, a giant toddler who I would have to give punishments and rewards to and he was never going to change no matter how many lists I wrote. That was just a stall tactic because he knew darn well that given time, my "mood" would change, I would go back to being complacent and abused. He knew that because that is what happened for years...the past is the best predictor of the future....

So, your H keeps showing you who he is and how life is going to be with him. This is as good as it will ever get, and you can bet it will get worse. I guess the only thing you have to decide is if you want this to be your life. You might decide that yes, this life with all it's abuse and misery is worth it and stay. You might decide that you want more in this life. You might decide that you want to lead by example for your daughter and get out now.

Your decisions are your decisions. You have power to change and make changes. It's all in your hands.

Your H is a turd. But maybe he has some wonderful redeeming qualities...my ex had some redeeming qualities but his abuse outweighed all of those and I knew I had to stand strong for the sake of my kids so that they would not see me as an angry, spiteful, mean, abused, beaten down woman. Because I do NOT want them to think that is all life has to offer.

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He's a passive agressive jerk. Don't expect him to change unless its to get worse. He knows exactly what he's doing. These guys are takers not givers.

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He is NOT stupid. Why are you acting like he is dumb? He sounds pretty quick and manipulative to me. You asked for him to let the dogs in and he comes back with Why are you making the dogs the issue....that right there would have confused me instantly. He took an "in the moment" chore and turned it into a relationship issue. Wha.....?

My ex did this also but he was mentally ill....deranged. And it would INFURIATE me!!! What the heck does letting the dog in have to do with the state of our relationship? And why bring THAT up while I am laying there sick???? Because he saw me in a weakened state and felt that he could mentally mess with me without me defendning myself...there by upping the confusion and insanity....

Oh and his "fear" when you mention leaving....yeah, that's just part of the game. He's not scared. He knows you aren't going anywhere. The thing with abusers is they do not believe us because we have "lied" to them repeatedly. By saying we are going to leave and not or by leaving and coming back...

That whole "write me a list of how to be good" would make me want to vomit. Honestly, I think I did once when my ex asked the same thing....I didn't want a dog to train, or a child to raise..I wanted a PARTNER. And my ex was effectively telling me that he was NEVER going to be a partner, he was always going to be a leech, a giant toddler who I would have to give punishments and rewards to and he was never going to change no matter how many lists I wrote. That was just a stall tactic because he knew darn well that given time, my "mood" would change, I would go back to being complacent and abused. He knew that because that is what happened for years...the past is the best predictor of the future....

So, your H keeps showing you who he is and how life is going to be with him. This is as good as it will ever get, and you can bet it will get worse. I guess the only thing you have to decide is if you want this to be your life. You might decide that yes, this life with all it's abuse and misery is worth it and stay. You might decide that you want more in this life. You might decide that you want to lead by example for your daughter and get out now.

Your decisions are your decisions. You have power to change and make changes. It's all in your hands.

Your H is a turd. But maybe he has some wonderful redeeming qualities...my ex had some redeeming qualities but his abuse outweighed all of those and I knew I had to stand strong for the sake of my kids so that they would not see me as an angry, spiteful, mean, abused, beaten down woman. Because I do NOT want them to think that is all life has to offer.

Oh I do not think he's dumb at all...just the opposite. Now, I think he wants me to believe that he juuustttt doesn't understand my needs or what makes me upset. Yeah WHATEVER! We have been together 18 years. He is extremely manipulative. If this would have happened 10 years ago (and maybe it did!), I would have been utterly confused and it would have been forgotten immediately. It's easy to forget what doesn't compute. But yet these instances of abuse are still inside our brains somewhere. They all hurt us. They all affect us. It may not seem like it, but I am growing. I understand it all. My compassion for him is waning. I'm not even scared to leave anymore. I'm not worried about the grief I'll experience. Yes he has many redeeming qualities. There are lots of things I will miss. But he has made no effort to get counseling in the 9 mths I've been home. He won't even meet with a pastor...and I DO want a happy life.

I applaud your strength. I am getting there. Thank you for replying!

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You are getting there Sheri...

It really does take time doesn't it? I had to give lots of 'chances' too and ask for clarity, my self doubt was so deep seated I just didn't trust my own 'gut' to know what was what......

As the others have said, HE knows exactly what he is doing, and he is trying to wear you down and manipulate you with the: WRITE IT DOWN FOR ME thing..

SHEESH you shouldn't have to tell him what a loving H does....he should know, after all he is a grown up isn't he? OHHH right, no he isn't! He sounds so much like KB (my someday EX) ...... like a big whiny baby who feels threatened by your love for your pets........GAWD, pathetic.......

((((((((((((((((((((((SHERI))))))))))))))))))))))

you are getting there Sheri.......

keep talkin'!

*HUGS*

MG :wub:

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You are getting there Sheri...

It really does take time doesn't it? I had to give lots of 'chances' too and ask for clarity, my self doubt was so deep seated I just didn't trust my own 'gut' to know what was what......

As the others have said, HE knows exactly what he is doing, and he is trying to wear you down and manipulate you with the: WRITE IT DOWN FOR ME thing..

SHEESH you shouldn't have to tell him what a loving H does....he should know, after all he is a grown up isn't he? OHHH right, no he isn't! He sounds so much like KB (my someday EX) ...... like a big whiny baby who feels threatened by your love for your pets........GAWD, pathetic.......

((((((((((((((((((((((SHERI))))))))))))))))))))))

you are getting there Sheri.......

keep talkin'!

*HUGS*

MG :wub:

Thank you MG! Yes, it really does take time and this whole ordeal is a process. I can see why people have gotten irritated with me, though. It seems that it should be so obvious...and it IS to others...but even though SOOOO many people told me the truth, I STILL had to prove it to myself. It has taken me a long time (4 years) to gain clarity and strength and yes I'm realizing this isn't gonna change. I've got what I've got...an abuser.

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I raked up over 20 bags of leaves yesterday, I can barely move!!! I'm aching from head to toe (and no help from anyone with the cleaning) and Loon wants to get it on at 730 this morning. I wanted to kick him square, I just pretended to be asleep. Now he's on the "you've changed" bit....ya think?! "I don't know what's wrong with you" (in angry tone) to me, a caring, loving husband would ask in a nice way "is there something the matter hon?". Nope not Loon, just jump down my throat.

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I raked up over 20 bags of leaves yesterday, I can barely move!!! I'm aching from head to toe (and no help from anyone with the cleaning) and Loon wants to get it on at 730 this morning. I wanted to kick him square, I just pretended to be asleep. Now he's on the "you've changed" bit....ya think?! "I don't know what's wrong with you" (in angry tone) to me, a caring, loving husband would ask in a nice way "is there something the matter hon?". Nope not Loon, just jump down my throat.

sounds like jerkwad, I think they get a sense when you are planning to leave, when I first started planning jerkwad kept asking what was wrong with me, though that was because I wasn't argueing back and just being complacent, while plotting my escape, lol. but guys like this are jerks, especially when you're sick and they know you can't put up too much of a fight, I remember a time when the whole family had gastro, he spent 3 days in bed, he didn't move except for the bathroom, I was left looking after 2 kids with gastro, while also looking after him the same way, I had to bring him food, drinks (god forbid water!) rub his back! all while sick with gastro myself, same thing happened when we had a tummy flu, he spent a few days just in bed, I, completely exhausted and ill, spent the days trying to keep the kids routine as normal as possible while being unable to walk! I've noticed that whatever is wrong with you is NOTHING compared to what's wrong with them, or the suffering your illness puts on them, and it's so wrong of you to complain.

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sounds like jerkwad, I think they get a sense when you are planning to leave, when I first started planning jerkwad kept asking what was wrong with me, though that was because I wasn't argueing back and just being complacent, while plotting my escape, lol. but guys like this are jerks, especially when you're sick and they know you can't put up too much of a fight, I remember a time when the whole family had gastro, he spent 3 days in bed, he didn't move except for the bathroom, I was left looking after 2 kids with gastro, while also looking after him the same way, I had to bring him food, drinks (god forbid water!) rub his back! all while sick with gastro myself, same thing happened when we had a tummy flu, he spent a few days just in bed, I, completely exhausted and ill, spent the days trying to keep the kids routine as normal as possible while being unable to walk! I've noticed that whatever is wrong with you is NOTHING compared to what's wrong with them, or the suffering your illness puts on them, and it's so wrong of you to complain.

Yes, he's in the fishing mode, he knows something is up. Like you said, I'm not fighting back, I'm not acknowledging his stupidity. I sooooo want to blow and let everything out, tell him what I really think, I know I have to protect the kids. And yes, I have to tend to him hand and foot when he's sick. When I'm sick, it's just a typical day and I have to go on as usual.

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For you Sheri, when I was sick with probably the very same flu my H (2nd lovely H) was home for the weekend. He cared for the children and asked them to be quiet while mummy was resting, he got them breakfast, cooked them lunch and organised dinner. He cleaned the house and made a game of it with the kids, he even took them outside so the house was quieter. When he sat down at the end of the day exhausted and I needed water and called out to him he got up to see what I wanted and then went and got the water. He fetched and cleaned and cared for two days and I was better after that. He ALWAYS steps in when I can't keep going and he would never leave the small children go hungry but I do think our D14, D16 and S18 could make their own dinner - and often do!

Good luck on your journey - you are deserving of a REAL man, a partner.

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Hi Sheri

I'm sorry your husband has been so unsupportive.

I remember that well, often when I was sick my STBXH would see it as a great inconvenience to him because I wasn't well enough to pander to his needs and give him attention, or that he had to help out extra with the children.

In fact those were the times when he was most abusive.

It is that sort of selfish behaviour that makes me realise that I am so better on my own, with me and the kids. At this moment, my son has a sick bug and I am dealing with it fine, in fact so much better than when my STBXH was around. I am just getting on with it, trying to make my children feel as comfortable as possible without all the added and completely unnecessary drama that my H created.

Life is peaceful, I am a far better mum and I can see a future ahead of me. It took four months since we split up for me to get to this point but I am in a far far better state of mind now and I feel so much healthier.

I am never ever going back.

/hugs

Naiomi

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you know they'll never be supportive or kind when you need them the most. They're incapable of meeting your needs, they only see you as a tool to meet their own needs. Sometimes they'll put on a show, especially if they think they're losing you. But overall, when the scores are all added at the end, THEY must get the most out of the relationship and YOU must sacrifice the most to ensure they get what they need out of it. Just the way it goes, they'll give a little now and then, but only if they're sure they'll gain a lot back.

I went through times like you mentioned, and I was sick, I was miserable, I was down for the count, I needed rest, I needed cared for, and he wouldn't meet my needs, he wouldn't care for me, and he'd only do what I asked him to do with a HUGE sigh.

When my sister was dying, and did die, he was so unsupportive of me. He said cruel and horrible things to me (it took her about 4 years to die from cancer) and on at least one occasion when he was angry I was going to visit her and it would cost me time and gas money, he said "Is she EVER going to ACTUALLY die??!!!" And on a few occasions I sobbed and screamed into the bed mattress in emotional agony at what he was putting me through and I was losing my sister. It was horrible torture. I thought to myself then, that I NEVER wanted to go through another death with THAT evil man by my side. Then at the funeral he became Mr. Wonderful in front of the rest of my family, and so many of them commented to me about how he "pulled through" for me and was "there" for me and how wonderful he was being to everyone and they were so happy he was there. They had NO idea what he was like behind closed doors and what agony and pain I'd endured.

I see that in this post from you. When you REALLY need him, behind closed doors, he basically doesn't give a d*mn about you or your feelings or your health.

Just the cut and dry. I've found out I'm MUCH MUCH happier alone, than I ever was with him. Even on my sick days, I'm happier without him around. One reason I realized this, is because I'm not busy being angry at him for everything he's incapable of being. Which in turn, makes me hate him less, and love my life more! Everyone talks about the space in your head you get after getting out of a bad relationship- I'm here to tell you, it's not just space in your head you get back, it's space in your heart! You're not being angry all the time! You're not EXPECTING another adult around the house anymore so you're not frustrated and disappointed at the end of every day when you're again faced with the reality that you live with a leech and not another human adult!

Almost five months out-and loving every minute of it!!!

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