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Danu

One year on

10 posts in this topic

Hello Our Place

I just read the post I wrote exactly one year ago today when Noddy (my husband) was finally forced to move out. Though the past year has been much harder than I expected, I do not for a second regret ending my marriage and separating from that man.

I feel no sense of sadness about the anniversary. I think I have just about done with the grieving process for what I had wanted my life with him to be and have accepted the reality and come to terms with it. I am now a single woman. I will not have a happy, safe and fulfilling marriage with that man, we will not raise our children together and be companions for life.

I started the divorce process 16 months but it is so slow. Noddy is stalling at every point. He cross petitioned me (unreasonable behaviour- saying I've been abusive and have a personality disorder- both untrue). He is unwilling to accept even a watered down petition from me as he rejects utterly that he has at any time behaved unreasonably.

He has continued to exert control in any way he could. I have been non-contact as much as possible but we have had to deal with his time with the children. Thankfully he got a new job and moved to England this month so he is now a flight away. He returned last week when the children were off school for half term so the new arrangement has not really kicked in yet. But since he moved it he has continued to favour our youngest son over the other 2 children. His relationship with our daughter (now 13) has deteriorated. He has been unkind to her. She is very hurt and angry about everything.

My main issue (out of many) right now is this child. She is hurting and angry. She has been rejected by her dad, she tries to spend time with him but it never works out, he always lets her down. At home with me also these days, she is sullen, grouchy, messy, rude. She is staying home from school and yesterday for the 1st time she pretended to go to school but I discovered that she just hung out in the forest near our village all day. She is terribly sad and confused. I took her to a counsellor for 6 sessions but she hated going even though she eventually opened up and talked about everything. It was art therapy and she painted and talked which suited her better. She still talks to me- I know all that is bothering her. We do spend a lot of good times together too. She is still my darling sweet girl at times.

I will sign off as I have a meeting with my new DV counsellor. I wanted to come back here- I've been trying for months to see a way through this and failing. Perhaps it is just a process, but I think there is more I could be doing to support the children and myself.

Danu x

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((((Danu))))

So good to hear how things are with you.

That's good news Noddy has moved to England (the further away the better eh!) but so sorry to hear how dreadfully he's treating his daughter especially :( Perhaps your girl will be open to more therapy as time goes on? For now it sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job with getting on with life for yourself and your precious babies.

Many hugs & luv

Chloe :hug008:

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Hey Danu,

Big hugs for your daughter!!! She sounds like a very normal girl going through some very difficult stuff. Not only has the dreaded hormones hit but she is dealing with Dad's rejection on top of it.

Is there any way you can help her to feel extra special to sort of help her fill the hole that he has left? Maybe a girl's night in while the other kids are looked after or a movie together. High tea. A picnic? That kind of thing?

You sound like you are so calm and pleasant, she and her siblings are blessed to have you. :hug005:

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Glad to hear that there is hope on the other side :happydance:

Did you put your daughter in counceling? It will take a while for an adjustment, give her some time. My D's dad disappeared like the wind many years ago and for the most part she's ok, she's in her teens now so she has her moments remembering the man she probably can't remember. On a positive note, when I leave current H, I'm sure D13 will never ever go visit him, and he will definately not be missed.

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((((Danu))))

So good to hear how things are with you.

That's good news Noddy has moved to England (the further away the better eh!) but so sorry to hear how dreadfully he's treating his daughter especially :( Perhaps your girl will be open to more therapy as time goes on? For now it sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job with getting on with life for yourself and your precious babies.

Hi Chloe. I have been meaning to login to Our Place for ages but never got round to it. I'm not sure why. I think I'm just so tired every day that I spend my computer time on other things.

It sucks that he is such a prat. D13 deserves so much more from her father. She is angry with me. She has been talking more recently about how it's my fault and things were better before I "kicked him out". He is brain washing them against me by bad mouthing me.

I don't know if I'm doing a good job, I'm just clinging on by my finger nails these days and feel so sad and tired. I create a front of sorts. I say things that are true- boast about the children's achievements etc. but I leave out the other parts about how difficult things are.

Hey Danu,

Big hugs for your daughter!!! She sounds like a very normal girl going through some very difficult stuff. Not only has the dreaded hormones hit but she is dealing with Dad's rejection on top of it.

Is there any way you can help her to feel extra special to sort of help her fill the hole that he has left? Maybe a girl's night in while the other kids are looked after or a movie together. High tea. A picnic? That kind of thing?

You sound like you are so calm and pleasant, she and her siblings are blessed to have you. :hug005:

Hello big girl!

She is a normal girl with added parent stuff. I'm very unhappy with the response of her school to all this. I have asked her if she wants to be home-educated again but she doesn't. She has missed an average of 1 day each week from school so far since September- a terrible record. I am thinking hard about switching to a new school but that's another problem. AGH! What is the best?!

I do spend time with her 1 to 1 quite often and we can get along wonderfully well- especially if I'm saying yes to her requests! We will be travelling to a cheer leading contest together this weekend and staying in a hotel for 2 nights so that will give us a great chance to talk and have fun.

Glad to hear that there is hope on the other side :happydance:

Did you put your daughter in counceling? It will take a while for an adjustment, give her some time. My D's dad disappeared like the wind many years ago and for the most part she's ok, she's in her teens now so she has her moments remembering the man she probably can't remember. On a positive note, when I leave current H, I'm sure D13 will never ever go visit him, and he will definately not be missed.

Hello Dawnofman

I wish you all the clarity and knowledge you need to make the break from your abusive H. The aftermath is difficult for sure, but nothing is as bad as living with a person who hurts you every day.

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Hi Danu, happy to hear from you. Big hugs! xoxo

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Hi Danu, happy to hear from you. Big hugs! xoxo

Thanks Lorelei, it's good to be here.

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Hi Danu

I remember your story and have wondered how you are.

I know it has been tough for you but keep hanging in there, at least he is further away from you now.

I've just started divorce proceedings myself and hope to see a light at the end of the tunnel soon.

/hugs

Naiomi (Maddie)

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You need to let your girl know that it is not her fault the way her father treats her. Reassure her of this often. Compliment her for everything you see her do positive.

When she acts out in ways such as skipping, she is in intense pain. Your response will be remembered. Instead of punishing her for skipping, for example, sit and talk with her gently about how she is feeling. She needs to have positive added to her life more and more to distract her from her pain and help her to heal. Coming down hard on it just adds to the pain. People her age often do not cope well with what she is going through and act out like that. Her negative behavior will improve on its own as she heals. Coming down hard on someone in her situation will actually tend to cause the negative behavior to increase because the negative behavior is a symptom of pain. Patience is key here. Fill her life with as much love and compassion as you can and be there to listen and the other stuff will get better on its own.

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((((((((((((((((Danu)))))))))))))))))

NoRoses said it all so eloquently. 13 is such a difficult age, period. Then add the grief and loss she is experiencing because her dad is such a #@$hole and she is bound to have difficulties. I think it's also important to let her know that, despite how awful she feels, that she is normal and experiencing normal reactions to an abnormal situation...and that none of it is her fault.

She will come around and see that this is not your fault either. You are the safe one right now so she is turning her anger and grief on you. I know iti is hard but try not to take it personally. Role model for her the way a strong, loving woman behaves (as I know you do!), and she will eventually be just fine.

You are a strong woman, Danu. I have enjoyed seeing your posts on FB and have felt very impressed at your strength and ability to take control of your own life.

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