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  1. Hello all, I am new to this forum and new to any forum for that matter so i apologize if I'm doing this wrong or if i upset anybody. A little about myself: i am 22 years young, married to my abuser who i have been with since i was 14 years old. I have an infant son and another on the way. My husband is famous for his verbal and mental abuse but will get physical as well. My mother was and is verbally abusive and kicked me out at the age of 14 practically putting me in the hands of my abuser who is 3 years older than me. Anyways, im having issues with still having compassion, empathy and love towards my abuser. On june 30th i decided i had enough. He punched me in my stomach in front of our baby son while i was 13 weeks pregnant. I tried to leave and he stopped me. I called the police and he now has a domestic violence felony and for once in his criminal life is doing serious time behind bars.. He has put me through so much pain and hell for so many years. But yet, i still love him. And if it wasnt for the police taking him that night i would see be in the arms of my abuser. I know i have alot of mental abuse through the years of being abused between my mother and him but i cannot help the way i think. Still after everything my child and i have been through, i love him deeply and i want to drop the charges but because of the fact that so many abused woman recant and try to drop charges the prosecutor wont allow it. I know i shouldnt feel this way. I know its bad. I know that im being a bad mother because of this but i cannot help the way i think thus why im reaching out to all of you. Call me what you want and say what you will. Idk how to unthink the ways i am thinking. So i am asking you all who can relate. Do or did you feel this way towards your abuser? What happened to help you think otherwise. Thank you and god bless. Xoxo, indigochild.
  2. Will someone please help me? I’m a 21 year old woman who has been in a relationship for over 2 years. My mother is insistent that I am in a mentally abusive relationship, but I cannot see it. I need someone to help. I’m going to be as neutral and tell the facts as well as I can. Thank you for your time. I’ve been with this man for two years. He saved me in one of the darkest times in my life. All of my life, my mother has been very verbally harsh with me and can never make up her mind on anything. We think that she suffers from a form of bipolar. All my life I've been never good enough. According to my mom I was doomed to be pregnant by 16 and married to some abusive husband who will cheat on me and hurt me. She would call me a slut whenever I wore a tight fitting tank top. I wasn't a good enough christian. I wasn't a good enough sister. My parents told me that they tell my siblings not to be like me (And I was still a virgin and only had good boyfriends). This is what I grew up with. So at this timeframe, my mother was being difficult and not trusting me even though I was doing nothing wrong. I was 18 years old and working two jobs. I had just lost my first true love a few months before. He had been a part of my life since I was 12 years old and we were inseparable. He went off the deep end and turned into a completely different person whenever we were in our Junior year of highschool. I held on and my parents held on hoping he’d change his ways for years. God was going to change him we prayed and believed... I fought with my parents as they were insistent that he would change. He never did and I ended up banning him from my life for my own mental and emotional health. I met (we will call him Tucker for privacy reasons) Tucker at my job. He came in as a customer, and we immediately hit it off. We went on our first date a week later and were inseparable since. We have a big age difference and culture difference. He is 33 years old and I am 21. He is Filipino and I am an American girl from a small town in Texas. He has traveled the world as a military kid. At the time, I had only traveled to New Mexico and lived in Texas. He’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. His longest relationship before me was only 6 months. We moved fast. I moved right in with him. Granted, I kept my apartment for one year, but I didn’t stay there. I lived with him. We never fought. He always complimented me. Calling me beautiful, sweet, angel.. etc. But he was emotionally distant which suited me fine as I was still grieving from the loss of my first love. We lived together, cuddling daily, joking around and playing. We enjoyed the same hobbies and had many similar interests. It felt perfect. However, as the months passed he would only say he liked me or he “hearted” me soooo much. He didn’t say “I love you” until we were 9 months into our relationship. He said he didn’t want to say it until he was 100% sure. When we were ten months into our relationship, He took me on my first vacation out of Texas. He took me to a place I always wanted to go “New York”. We stayed there doing whatever I wanted for three days. I spent $1000.00 towards the trip and he bought hotel and tickets which totaled around $1,500.00. This trip was the first time, I felt like less of a woman. It was the first day on our trip and we had just gotten back from eating at a fancy dinner (that was paid from my $1,000.00, as originally agreed by both of us). I dressed up in a lingerie, put on high heels and body glitter. My hair was beautiful and my make up was perfect. He came out of the bathroom after a shower and looked at me as I lay on the hotel bed. He told me, “I’m sorry Baby… I’m not feeling it tonight.” It hurt… but I tried not to let it get to me. He never really asked me to do much, but he would make little comments or hint at wanting the house cleaned or for me to cook dinner. I worked long shifts just like he did, but I didn’t complain. He never really seemed to like my cooking that much. I asked for his honest opinion, and he would definitely give it to me. I usually got an “It’s okay for this town” review, but that just made me want to work harder. I had always been praised on my cooking skills by my family so this seemed like a challenge, even though the comments hurt me. As we got further into our relationship, I began wanting to get married. I lived with him fully by this point. I wanted to be validated as his wife. He told me that he will not propose until we have been together two years, but he is looking for an engagement ring for when we have reached the two year mark. It’s about a year and a half into our relationship now. He makes comments on my cleaning skills and my cooking skills. Things like “This is about how clean it was when I was single!” At times, he will go three weeks without having sex with me, he says it’s due to stress from work and tiredness. He is apologetic, but just gets on his video games and plays. He has told me that he doesn’t need me and that he will need me when we have kids. (He started saying he needed me at 2 years into our relationship though) He tells me that he will not chase me if I leave. He would often say that he would not marry a woman who cannot handle her finances or a woman who smokes. These comments made me scared. I wanted to be needed by the man who had saved me and gave me a home and compliments and cuddles. I was only working part time at this moment. I’m going to college as a full time student and was only bringing in around $300.00/month which only gave me $80/month for gas and groceries. I was very stressed but was worried he would get mad at me if I told him I needed help financially. So I would smile and act like nothing was wrong. I did ask for him to help me with groceries, in which he would give me $200.00 a month to buy groceries with. I hid the fact that I would smoke occasionally with friends. But it wasn’t that bad to me. Multiple times I would dress up in lingerie’s and he wouldn’t get intimate with me 85% of the time.. so I stopped the lingeries.. I was the one asking for sex and the one getting turned down more times than not. I was the one doing the yard work. I offered to do it, because he seemed tired. But my parents were upset that I was the one mowing the yard while he was only weed eating. One time, he didn’t even help. He went inside and played video games and gave me water when I got back in the house. His mother seemed to have more of a pull then I did, even though I was acting as his wife. For instance, I was cleaning our bedroom and opened the curtains to let some light in, because it was feeling depressing with it being so dark. I forgot to close the curtains after finishing cleaning and he went in there to change. When he noticed the curtains were open, he got onto me saying “Don’t open the curtains in my room. My mother can do it, because she’s my mom. But you can’t.” He later apologized, but it still hurt. It made me feel very inferior to a 60 year old woman who lived 4 ½ hours away. He would always seem to compare me to his mother, which made me feel very inadequate to say the least. Two years past, my birthday past… No ring. He kept hinting he would propose to me when we went on our vacation to Vegas. We were two weeks away from our vacation and he flat out told me “I’m not proposing to you in Vegas.” I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with him calling me his fiancé without having a ring to prove it. I told him I don’t need an amazing ring. I just want one that he picks out. A few days later, he introduces me as his Girlfriend to an important boss. I asked him why he called me his girlfriend to which he responded “I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or make you feel like you had to hide your hand.” I responded telling him I just want a ring. His response was, “If you want a ring so bad go buy it yourself and then I will propose to you.” He would also not consult me on important matters. One of the last straws, before I decided to leave, was him buying a brand new 2015 4 door Ford pick-up truck, while my car was on its last legs. He did not mention anything to me, even though at this point we had been together over 2 years. Instead, I learned about it whenever he was talking to his parents on the phone about going up to visit them and buying the vehicle where they lived. He started talking to me about it a week before we made the trip to buy it. He knew my car was on its last legs but really wanted this new vehicle. I was frustrated, but I didn’t say anything. Instead, I was supportive as always. The day before our trip, he asked me if I was going to clean. I told him I would clean the next day. I took off work early and went home and cleaned for 2 hours straight. I packed everything and was ready to go by the time he got off of work. He went in and played his video games to “de-stress”. I didn’t say anything. We ended up leaving late and not getting to his parents until midnight. His friend’s were in town and were adamant that we come visit that night (They couldn’t wait until the morning..or rather didn’t want to). I was exhausted but still went with them. We ended up staying out until 4 am. I was trying to sleep on his shoulder, he didn’t offer me his arm, but would only occasionally ask me if I was okay. He didn’t cuddle me or anything the entire time we were with his friends. The next morning, we were up at the car dealership. His parents and him both decided to buy new vehicles, while he told the car dealer that my car was bad but he is waiting for my car to break down. He then proceeded to handle all of the matters, not involving me in hardly anything the entire 7 hours we were there. It was like I was a child, whose opinion didn’t matter. As all of this is happening, his mother told me that she will not come to our wedding unless it is a catholic wedding and was seeming to compare me to Filipino girls. I wanted to leave, to escape, but Tucker still had us go back to his parents house. We finally got home, and I decided to be nice to him and dressed up in a maid lingerie and I cleaned the house for hours and hours. He didn’t help me with anything. I felt horrid in that maid outfit. Keep in mind that I am a 115-120 lb girl. I’m 5 foot 4 inches and am constantly told that I am beautiful. I felt like an old ugly cow in that. But I still did it. And his comment “This is how it looked when I was single!” With a "thank you.. I don't deserve you" thrown in. Then for the final straw. He told me that he would get me a car. He wanted to get me a new one. I was very happy. I picked the 2016 Honda Civic. Which he was fine with. It would be about $18K. But my boss told me that the bare minimum will break down faster. So I told Tucker, would it be okay for me to get the next best one? It would be $23k and we could use my current car as a trade in. He was not at all for that and proceeded to tell me that the engagement ring (which is already 2 months late) is costing more than he originally intended. He then said “Do you realize you are asking me to spend $5k more for this car?”. I felt that I hadn’t asked for anything those past 2 years. I paid my bills, I cleaned, I worked, I cooked, I gave him sex whenever he wanted… And I wasn’t worth $5k more for a better car that was still less than half the cost of his truck? He wouldn’t take my feelings into consideration. He played online games for hours those next few nights. He didn’t try to work things out even though I was extremely quiet and sad. I felt completely alone. I felt worthless. The entire time we were together he never bought me flowers, but I was the one who told him I didn’t need them at the beginning of our relationship. I would hint at them, but it seemed to fly by him. I would find myself thinking “Who would ever love me? Will I ever be good enough?” It started to worry me. Why am I thinking these things? Why am I feeling this way? Tucker always calls me beautiful. He always says he will never let me go. He says things like, “I don’t deserve you.” “How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing girl?” “You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are so sweet.” “You are my dream come true.” “You are the reason I look forward to coming home every day.” “I can’t live without you.” He would constantly cuddle me and take me out to eat when I asked. So why did I feel so unconfident? Why did I feel so useless? I finally told my mother all of these things, and my mother immediately freaked out. She told me I was in a mentally abusive relationship and I needed to get out immediately. I couldn’t see it. But I decided to trust my mother and moved into my own place with the help of my boss. I changed my phone number and I left Tucker a note on his computer saying goodbye. That night, he went to my parent’s house and left a note on their door. After that, he made a facebook account and began leaving me messages begging me to come home. Telling me he was sorry. Saying he did not know what he did, but he knows whatever he did hurt me. He kept apologizing and even went to my work the next day complety distraught. I didn’t talk to him for a week. Every day he was sending me long messages, asking me if I was okay, apologizing, telling me about his day, etc. After a week, I messaged him venting all of my frustrations and telling him what he did. He owned up to it, telling me that I am right and that he was a selfish B$%#%@. He apologized profusely and was very respectful. It has been three weeks since then. He has cooked meals for me, bought me so many different things, paid for my bills, taken me wherever I want to go, keeps apologizing, treats me like a queen. He is going to church, praying to God, and reading books on how to properly show love and how to treat your significant other. He is trying. He is being respectful and catering to my sexual needs. He keeps telling me that he will become a better man. He tells me that he honestly didn’t know and that he was selfish and unthoughtful. He says that can’t live without me. That I am the woman he loves and wants to marry. He said he never knew what it felt like to lose someone you love. He says that he will follow me until the ends of the earth and he will keep trying his best and waiting for me to take him back. I’ve looked through his phone. He was building an engagement ring and has been planning it since way back at our New York Trip. He doesn’t ever text anyone or show any signs of ever cheating on me. I was being told by my mom that he was cheating on me. I was told that he is dangerous. My mother is distressed. She told me today that if I go back with him then basically I will be abandoning my family. She said that my family will not be around him and will not have anything to do with him. She says men don’t change. She tells me to give up and to not talk with him or be friends with him. She basically gave me the ultimatum: Tucker or your entire family. Actually those were her exact words. She won’t go and support me at my singing event tomorrow, because he might be there… I don’t know what to do. My mother nearly divorced my father because He worked late and watched po rn. She put our family through utter hell for 10 years, making me have to grow up and take care of my 4 younger brothers and sisters. All because of those minor things. I lost so much childhood from those experiences and all of my life I thought that my step-dad was cheating on my mom, when in reality he was just working late and watching po rn occasionally. I just found this out when I broke up with Tucker. She tells me it should be the opposite. I should not have to work, I should not have to clean or be asked to. I shouldn’t have to pay any of my bills. He should cater to my every wish. I don’t feel that is right either thought. I’m not sure what to do. I was sheltered, homeschooled, not allowed to truly date….. I don’t know what is normal and what is not. All I know is I love this man. All I know is I’m confused and I’m scared. I’m broken with or without him. I stand to lose in any decision I make. I really need help. Will someone please tell me what is right and what is wrong. Tucker says that he will accept whatever decision I make. That he will support me, and that he loves me. He says he just wants me happy and knows that he treated terribly for two years. He says that he promises that he will never do it again. That I will never be alone again. That he will be my hero again and not a selfish villain. Tucker was the first one to ever fully accept me for who I am. My mother always told me I wasn’t good enough. She would tell me that I have to hide myself. That my hobbies were weird, that my interests were not normal. She shoved religion down my throat but told me I’m not good enough to be a pastor’s wife. That a pastor is too good for me. Now she doesn’t even believe in a true religion. She’s all over the place and all of my life, I had to hide myself for so long, and Tucker was the one that helped me out of my shell. He encouraged me to branch out and try new things. He showed me more of the world and made some of my dreams come true. He took me on trips and listened to my stories and my ideas. He told me that I can do anything I put my mind to. He told me that with hard work, nothing is impossible and that he accepts me and supports whatever I decide to do. Then he ended up hurting me and now people are saying he was mentally abusive when I told them the things I’ve mentioned above. Please help me. I have no clue what to do and everyone is saying different things. Thank you for taking the time to read this.