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Found 19 results

  1. Hello all, I am new to this forum and new to any forum for that matter so i apologize if I'm doing this wrong or if i upset anybody. A little about myself: i am 22 years young, married to my abuser who i have been with since i was 14 years old. I have an infant son and another on the way. My husband is famous for his verbal and mental abuse but will get physical as well. My mother was and is verbally abusive and kicked me out at the age of 14 practically putting me in the hands of my abuser who is 3 years older than me. Anyways, im having issues with still having compassion, empathy and love towards my abuser. On june 30th i decided i had enough. He punched me in my stomach in front of our baby son while i was 13 weeks pregnant. I tried to leave and he stopped me. I called the police and he now has a domestic violence felony and for once in his criminal life is doing serious time behind bars.. He has put me through so much pain and hell for so many years. But yet, i still love him. And if it wasnt for the police taking him that night i would see be in the arms of my abuser. I know i have alot of mental abuse through the years of being abused between my mother and him but i cannot help the way i think. Still after everything my child and i have been through, i love him deeply and i want to drop the charges but because of the fact that so many abused woman recant and try to drop charges the prosecutor wont allow it. I know i shouldnt feel this way. I know its bad. I know that im being a bad mother because of this but i cannot help the way i think thus why im reaching out to all of you. Call me what you want and say what you will. Idk how to unthink the ways i am thinking. So i am asking you all who can relate. Do or did you feel this way towards your abuser? What happened to help you think otherwise. Thank you and god bless. Xoxo, indigochild.
  2. I feel as if someone took a iron fist and rammed it right into my stomach and took a sword and put it through my heart. I checked my email as I usually do this morning after breakfast. There in my inbox was a name that I have not seen in months. Someone that was a deep and close and personal friend of mine, that just stopped talking to me and I never knew why. Now, I do. I am here to share something with you that she sent me. I am still crying about it and currently sitting in a police station waiting to talk to someone about this matter. What is wrong with this world? The very bottom of the "blog" is where the shocking part, at least for me, comes in. I knew this person deeply, I also knew the person she is talking about. I always wondered, now I know and some small part of me wish I didn't. https://surfthestarswhenallthestarsfall.blogspot.com/ https://fracturedbutterfly.blogspot.com/ I apologize, if I am over stepping boundaries on this. I will never forgive myself. But I do have to say, my friend, even though she didn't get help, she was smart in what she did. If anyone has any advice for how to cope with something like this, please let me know.
  3. I feel as if someone took a iron fist and rammed it right into my stomach and took a sword and put it through my heart. I checked my email as I usually do this morning after breakfast. There in my inbox was a name that I have not seen in months. Someone that was a deep and close and personal friend of mine, that just stopped talking to me and I never knew why. Now, I do. I am here to share something with you that she sent me. I am still crying about it and currently sitting in a police station waiting to talk to someone about this matter. What is wrong with this world? The very bottom of the "blog" is where the shocking part, at least for me, comes in. I knew this person deeply, I also knew the person she is talking about. I always wondered, now I know and some small part of me wish I didn't. https://surfthestarswhenallthestarsfall.blogspot.com/ https://fracturedbutterfly.blogspot.com/ I apologize, if I am over stepping boundaries on this. I will never forgive myself. But I do have to say, my friend, even though she didn't get help, she was smart in what she did. If anyone has any advice for how to cope with something like this, please let me know.
  4. abuse

    The old man was sitting limply at a table staring at nothing in particular. A tall distinguished member of the National Gendarmerie entered from a door to the bar room. Spotting the old man at the table, he quietly made his way to the other side of the table. He reached out his hand in greeting, “Monsieur Moritz Vital, I am Inspector Boule. I understand you have a confession to make.” The old man raised his head to look at the inspector. He said nothing for several moments. Sighing he finally spoke, “I might.” “Monsieur, I have been advised that you are well liked and respected in this village and that you are an honorable man. Are you sure you wish to do this? You could end up in prison or hung.” At that the old man’s face took on a haggard state and he sighed, “I could care less about what will happen to me. My sole request is that you listen to my story before we get down to the business at hand.” Inspector Boule paused to consider this before taking a seat, “All right, Monsieur. Tell me your story.” The old man’s face grew pensive and he seemed to slip back into another time. ***** My wife and I settled into this village twenty five years ago. We built a good home and when we were married three years, we welcomed our beautiful Isabella into our life. She was the light of our world, but two years later my sweet Cécile once again caught baby fever. She wanted to give Isabella a frère or sœur and it wasn’t long until she was exuberant with the knowledge that Isabella would soon be a big sister. However, when it came time to give birth, something went wrong and we lost both Cécile and little Emma. Suddenly, it was up to me to care for Isabella. She was interested in books at a very young age and quickly learned to read. In exchange for milk and eggs, her teacher offered to teach her how to cook and sew and soon she was sewing dresses for herself and shirts and pants for me. Isabella grew more beautiful with age and she was only twelve when she caught the eye of Gaston Bourdieur, the only son of the county tax collector. He could have had any woman he wanted at the snap of his fingers….. except Isabella. She always had her head in a book and often barely noticed his Présentoirs magnifiques, magnificent displays. That almost seemed to heighten his pursuit. He made elaborate plans to claim her as his own even to the point of throwing her a surprise wedding. He would brag in this very pub about how he would make Belle his. Then one night, my barn burned down. I had just finished storing my harvest inside and had made plans to sell it the next week. It had been intentionally set. I wanted to suspect Gaston Bourdieur, but could not see why he would stoop to something so low and I had no proof. Losing that crop cost me big. I fell behind on paying my taxes. Then, one day, Gaston appeared with some paperwork decreeing that if the taxes were not paid in thirty days, the farm would be sold and I would be placed in prison. Isabella was horrified. She knew there was no way we could come up with the money. She begged him to reconsider. He sneered, “There might be a way. How far would you be willing to go to save your father’s farm?” Immediately the warning bells went off in my head. I knew where this conversation was going, “Belle, no!” Isabella raised her chin. She reminded me so much of her mother when she did that. “What do you have in mind?” Gaston leaned in, “I’m talking about becoming Madame Gaston Bourdieur.” Isabella gasped and then glared at him, “Did you burn down our barn?” Gaston narrowed his eyes, “I wouldn’t have the slightest idea what you are talking about about.” “It would appear that I don’t really have a choice.” Isabella’s voice bore a coldness. “Belle, please! Don’t do this!” I begged her. Belle turned to me, her eyes glistening, “Papa, I can’t allow you to go to prison.” She embraced me. “I’ll be okay. But if you go with him, you would be in a worse prison.” “Papa, I cannot let you go to prison. No, I won’t! I won’t let you!” She turned to Gaston and, with head held high, leveled a hard stare, “Alright, Gaston, you win! I will marry you, but not until you release my father from this mess.” Gaston sneered, “Done” and he ripped his papers in half, “And now,” he walked to the door, opened it and gestured someone in. His cohort, Lefou, marched in simpering a look at Belle. He was followed closely by the very nervous looking local curate, Father Jean-Baptiste. Isabella gasped, “You want to get married now?” Gaston jeered, “No time like the present, my dear.” Isabella began to shake and I thought for a moment she might faint, “No, Belle!” Lefou turned to me glaring and waving a wooden cane menacingly. My cry seemed to revive her. She inhaled slowly and then raised her head conceding with the little pride she had left. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as they exchanged vows. When they were through, Gaston pulled her roughly to him, “Now you are finally mine!” He forced his lips upon hers and when he was finished, he cast her down, “Now lets hurry. We have a honeymoon to get to.” He leered at her like a hungry lion, “I have been looking forward to this night!” “Let me get my things!” she begged. “You have no use for them!” he answered savagely. “You will get a whole new wardrobe that I have already had designed and constructed for you.” “But-“ “Do you dare to dispute your husband?!!” he roared, “I order you out to the carriage!” Shaking Isabella slipped out the door. Gaston pivoted to face me. His look of victory setting his face ablaze with contempt, “I will allow you to live here because I can not have it be said that I forced my father-in-law from his home, but you try to come after me, you will lose all this and your precious Belle may not live to our first anniversary. You will stay away from my wife. You will not be permitted to visit. Any attempt to contact her will risk her very life. And, just to get my point across, I will let you here with Lefou.” With that, he sauntered out the door and I could hear the carriage leaving and Lefou waved his cane ominously. Then everything went black. My world went from colorful rainbow to a dark pit. I suddenly had to adjust to life without my shining star. It was a good month before I made an appearance in the village. Till then, my wounds from the beating I received from Lefou had healed. I could feel people staring and hear the whispers and then, suddenly someone grabbed my arm, “Monsieur!” I turned to face Father Jean-Baptiste whose eyes looked tormented. “Monsieur,’ he repeated, “I beg your forgiveness! He forced me to marry your daughter to him.” My smile was grim, “I have a feeling that Monsieur Gaston Bourdieur does nothing out of friendship. I just wish I knew if she was alright.” Father Jean-Baptiste sighed and looked around. “Why don’t you ask her?” He pointed to a young maiden buying fruit from a marketplace stand. “She is a maid in his household.” “I was told I cannot contact her or try to find anything out or he will cause her harm.” I frowned. “Why don’t I arrange for her to meet you in the church?” the vicar suggested. “You could meet her in the confessional. Go in there now and I will send her to you.” I considered this before nodding. Turning, I casually strolled to the Église and slipped inside. I quickly found the confessional and stepped into the one side. It wasn’t long until I could hear the Father outside whispering, “She is on her way.” I braced myself for the bad news. I could hear the confessional open and a woman’s voice, “Forgive me, Father!” “Mademoiselle?” “Monsieur, you are her father?” she asked timidly. “Yes,” I could not contain my nervous edge, “How is my daughter? How is Isabella?” “Oh, Monsieur,” she hesitated, “You know not what you ask.” “Please!” I implored, “I need to know!” She hesitated still, “Monsieur, you have begged me, but you will not like what I have to say. Monsieur Bourdieur forces himself upon her daily.” She paused at my sharp intake before continuing, “I heard him beating her several times. He keeps her locked in their suite and will only allow our butler to take her meals. And, just yesterday,” she paused, “he told her you were dead. That you died from a broken heart. And he ordered us not to tell her any different.” I buried my face in my hands, ” Oh, Isabella!” I started sobbing. “I’m so sorry, Monsieur!” “No, I had hoped that he was treating her well, but I knew in my heart….” I trailed off. “Please, meet me here the first Saturday of every month and tell me how she is doing! Let no one follow you! Monsieur Bourdieur must not know!” She agreed and hurried away. The weeks seemed to drag until I once again found myself in the rectory. I waited an hour before the maiden arrived at the confessional, breathless, “Monsieur, I have news! Isabella appears to be carrying a child.” I jerked my head, “A child?” “Yes, Monsieur, and the elder Monsieur has ordered his son to discontinue the beatings so as not to hurt the heir. Also, they wish to soon present her to their class of friends and he does not want marks on her face.” The maiden continued. “Well, that is good news, at least for several months.” I conceded. I continued to meet the maiden for several months but the message was usually the same. Isabella was never allowed to leave the room unless accompanied by Gaston. It also became apparent that his abuse had turned psychological. He told her she was his and would never leave him or he would kill her. He also continued the lie that her father was dead. He told her that her pregnant body was fat and then proceeded to rape her telling her she owed him at least that. Gaston seemed to stop at nothing until she was totally submissive to his will. He kept her in check by threatening to take away their child once born. And then I received the message that my granddaughter was born, but that Gaston was enraged because he wanted a male. He removed the baby girl, whom he named Non Désiré and handed her to a nurse, much to Isabella begging to keep the baby. “You have no use for the brat!” he grabbed her roughly, “Your sole job is to please me and produce male heirs!” And with that, he once again forced himself upon her. A month later she was once again pregnant. And once again, she produced another female. Enraged, he ripped the child from her and did not even wait for the nurse to leave the room before he was upon her. He blamed her for the girl and told her over and over that she would produce a male this time. This pregnancy was much different this time. Her body never had a chance to strengthen from the first child and the third one had weakened her immensely. And then, several months later, a terrified maiden arrived at my door. She was crying. I sat her down and handed her a glass of water, coaxing her to catch her breath. She sat there a minute, before burying her face in her hands, “Oh, Monsieur, I am so sorry. So sorry!” Dread filled my very being, “What? What are you sorry for? What has happened to my Belle? Is she sick?” She looked down, “Isabella had the baby. It was another girl.” She paused, “Monsieur Bourdieur was so angry but then he seemed to calm down. He-” She paused, “He-” Closing her eyes, she continued, “Madame Bourdieur has jumped to her death.” I fought the blackness that threatened to consume me, “What? How can this be?” She looked at me with tears in her eyes, “That was what he told us to say.” Suddenly the blackness was replaced by red fury. Almost in a trance, I grabbed my hunting rifle from above the mantle and began to load it, shoving extra shells in my pocket, “I think it best you take the very longest way home,” I advised before disappearing out the door. Saddling Philippe, I hurried to the Bourdieur estate. I slipped in unnoticed as the staff hurried to clean up Belle’s body. If I had not been told she had been the one to fall to her death, I never would have recognized her. “Have you not cleaned up this mess yet?” I heard a familiar voice from above. I looked up to see Gaston addressing his staff, “I want this rubbish cleaned up within the hour!” Rage consumed me as I yelled, “Gaston Bourdieur!” I raised my rifle and took aim. He jerked his head toward me, “You! I ordered you to stay away!” I cocked my weapon and roared, “I want to see your face as I kill you.” With that, I pulled the trigger and he fell next to my Belle. Numbly I made my way to this tavern to await your arrival.” ****** Inspector Boule stared at the old man for a few seconds, “You know I must take you to Paris for trial.” Moritz nodded his head, “I understand, but I have two more requests.” The inspector looked at him, confused. The older man continued, “I want you to bury my daughter on our property next to her mother. And I want you to remove my three granddaughters from that House Of Horrors. I have a cousin whose wife was never able to bear children. Please take them there. Tonight!” The old man wrote down the address and the Inspector nodded and left the room for a few moments. When he returned, he only nodded to Moritz. “It is done as you asked.” the inspector continued, “I supposed you must know that I will need to bind your hands.” Moritz held out his hands and they were wrapped with a rope. The inspector led him to his waiting horse tethered to another. He pointed to the second horse, “Is there someone who can help my prisoner onto the horse?” He shouted to the onlookers. A burly man stepped up and assisted the old man. Inspector Boule had climbed his own horse and was waiting. He looked at the old man kindly, “I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.” The old man nodded and the horses were turned toward Paris. As they passed his house, tears slid down the old man’s cheeks, “I’m sorry, Isabella.” He whispered.
  5. Hello all, I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 20+ years. It has gotten to the point where I am finally ready to get away from my abuser. One of the things I wrestle with the most is how do I do it. I have no family in the area and have one teenage son at home who I do not want to leave behind. I really can't see him being willing to leave everything he knows as normal, his friends, etc., and I don't blame him. I was wondering what some of you have done in this situation. Thank you!
  6. I am from Finland originally, but have also lived in the US. I have lived in Finland for the past year and before that I lived in Chicago. I was abused by a doctor at the Oulu University Hospital in Northern Finland when given too much pain medication after an accident in January this year. I was nearly unconscious and a female doctor (ca 50 years old) asked me disgusting sexual questions in front of 9 people and provoked me to talk about sexual things nobody would ever discuss with any stranger, while I was heavily sedated. Nine people were watching and nobody intervened. Actually on the contrary, two older nurses (a male and a female) urged the female doctor to continue and I was abused even more. I have been even more hurt about the fact that the medical staff hid and did not report the case. I have contacted the hospital, but all I have received is denial. It seems unbelievable to me that medical staff in Finland can commit a crime and hide it just to make sure that they do not get caught. They do not care how much they hurt others as long as they are fine. Unfortunately hiding medical errors is a common practice in Finland. I am only one among many others being hurt this way. However, I think my case is different as in my case a crime was also committed. I have contacted the police regarding this. Let's see if I will ever get any justice. My hopes are not very high knowing how things like these have been handled in Finland in the past. I pray to God I can leave this country asap and I hope I will never have to return!!! I have been truly traumatized by the event and have been in trauma therapy for months now. The AJC magazine put it really well "Hurt that does not heal" I wonder if anybody knows of any support groups or of any people with similar situation to mine that I could talk to. I have not received any proper therapy for PTSD in Finland and a psychiatrist just almost dismissed my case as I was not able to tell her much about what had happened. She pretty much just sent me home telling me that eg. CBT for PTSD is not available in Oulu unless I go to a private clinic. I would really appreciate your help as I have noticed that I have the symptoms of PTSD that can be quite severe and have lasted for way too long. Talking to other people with similar experiences I think could be of great benefit. Hopefully you have time to get in touch LIz
  7. I went to sit with my granddaughter at her home, it was early and my daughter was getting ready for work. I ask her about some repairs they were going to do to their home. She griped me out by saying that I should know she is not a morning person, and that she doesn't want to talk about things in the morning. She said this loud and angry. I am not happy about how she treated me and I plan on texting her about it. I don't know if it is my fault that she is verbally abusive because I didn't leave her dad when she was young or this is partly hereditary. Even if it was my fault, I don't like being treated this way. I haven't always said something to her when she has hurt my feelings. I don't know if she is also angry at me for what I let her go through with her dad being abusive, or she learned the verbal abuse from her dad. Later that day while our seven year old granddaughter was at our home, my husband went out to get us some take go food, and came back in a bad mood because it was raining and a guy had been rude to him. So my husband started telling me about it in an aggravated tone and voice, which was a little loud and he said one or two bad words. Since my husband and I have been teaching our granddaughter to not say bad words, she told him to quit saying bad words. He got mad and told her to shut up. She got upset and went to the bedroom and didn't want to eat or be around him. My husband came in the bedroom and said he was sorry to my granddaughter for telling her to shut up, but then started telling her how she shouldn't interrupt him or something like that. I told my husband to go away and she told him that she didn't want to talk to or see him, so he went back to the kitchen to eat. I explained to her that it is not good for kids or adults to say bad words, but when you are an adult, you can choose to say them, and nobody can stop you. I told her to quit telling him to stop saying them. I told her he is an adult and can do what he wants, and if she doesn't like it, she needs to walk away. She said, " I did, that's why I am in here." I told her that you can ask people to do things, but you can not make them do things. I hope she believes me and quits trying to stop people from doing or saying things. I had already talked to my husband in the past about being verbally abusive to her and since he said he was sorry I didn't say anything else to him. Later that day I told him how our daughter had treated me that morning. He said that she was wrong to treat me like that and that she has treated him bad before too. It used to be, and is still somewhat confusing to me how insightful he is to someone else's abuse, but most of the time fails to see his own, or doesn't care. He does the same things that he says are wrong in others. I know that we can all lack insight in some of the things we say or do, but he seems to have a big problem with it. Since I have been playing abuse cop, my husband has gotten better about saying he is sorry after being abusive.
  8. Will someone please help me? I’m a 21 year old woman who has been in a relationship for over 2 years. My mother is insistent that I am in a mentally abusive relationship, but I cannot see it. I need someone to help. I’m going to be as neutral and tell the facts as well as I can. Thank you for your time. I’ve been with this man for two years. He saved me in one of the darkest times in my life. All of my life, my mother has been very verbally harsh with me and can never make up her mind on anything. We think that she suffers from a form of bipolar. All my life I've been never good enough. According to my mom I was doomed to be pregnant by 16 and married to some abusive husband who will cheat on me and hurt me. She would call me a slut whenever I wore a tight fitting tank top. I wasn't a good enough christian. I wasn't a good enough sister. My parents told me that they tell my siblings not to be like me (And I was still a virgin and only had good boyfriends). This is what I grew up with. So at this timeframe, my mother was being difficult and not trusting me even though I was doing nothing wrong. I was 18 years old and working two jobs. I had just lost my first true love a few months before. He had been a part of my life since I was 12 years old and we were inseparable. He went off the deep end and turned into a completely different person whenever we were in our Junior year of highschool. I held on and my parents held on hoping he’d change his ways for years. God was going to change him we prayed and believed... I fought with my parents as they were insistent that he would change. He never did and I ended up banning him from my life for my own mental and emotional health. I met (we will call him Tucker for privacy reasons) Tucker at my job. He came in as a customer, and we immediately hit it off. We went on our first date a week later and were inseparable since. We have a big age difference and culture difference. He is 33 years old and I am 21. He is Filipino and I am an American girl from a small town in Texas. He has traveled the world as a military kid. At the time, I had only traveled to New Mexico and lived in Texas. He’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. His longest relationship before me was only 6 months. We moved fast. I moved right in with him. Granted, I kept my apartment for one year, but I didn’t stay there. I lived with him. We never fought. He always complimented me. Calling me beautiful, sweet, angel.. etc. But he was emotionally distant which suited me fine as I was still grieving from the loss of my first love. We lived together, cuddling daily, joking around and playing. We enjoyed the same hobbies and had many similar interests. It felt perfect. However, as the months passed he would only say he liked me or he “hearted” me soooo much. He didn’t say “I love you” until we were 9 months into our relationship. He said he didn’t want to say it until he was 100% sure. When we were ten months into our relationship, He took me on my first vacation out of Texas. He took me to a place I always wanted to go “New York”. We stayed there doing whatever I wanted for three days. I spent $1000.00 towards the trip and he bought hotel and tickets which totaled around $1,500.00. This trip was the first time, I felt like less of a woman. It was the first day on our trip and we had just gotten back from eating at a fancy dinner (that was paid from my $1,000.00, as originally agreed by both of us). I dressed up in a lingerie, put on high heels and body glitter. My hair was beautiful and my make up was perfect. He came out of the bathroom after a shower and looked at me as I lay on the hotel bed. He told me, “I’m sorry Baby… I’m not feeling it tonight.” It hurt… but I tried not to let it get to me. He never really asked me to do much, but he would make little comments or hint at wanting the house cleaned or for me to cook dinner. I worked long shifts just like he did, but I didn’t complain. He never really seemed to like my cooking that much. I asked for his honest opinion, and he would definitely give it to me. I usually got an “It’s okay for this town” review, but that just made me want to work harder. I had always been praised on my cooking skills by my family so this seemed like a challenge, even though the comments hurt me. As we got further into our relationship, I began wanting to get married. I lived with him fully by this point. I wanted to be validated as his wife. He told me that he will not propose until we have been together two years, but he is looking for an engagement ring for when we have reached the two year mark. It’s about a year and a half into our relationship now. He makes comments on my cleaning skills and my cooking skills. Things like “This is about how clean it was when I was single!” At times, he will go three weeks without having sex with me, he says it’s due to stress from work and tiredness. He is apologetic, but just gets on his video games and plays. He has told me that he doesn’t need me and that he will need me when we have kids. (He started saying he needed me at 2 years into our relationship though) He tells me that he will not chase me if I leave. He would often say that he would not marry a woman who cannot handle her finances or a woman who smokes. These comments made me scared. I wanted to be needed by the man who had saved me and gave me a home and compliments and cuddles. I was only working part time at this moment. I’m going to college as a full time student and was only bringing in around $300.00/month which only gave me $80/month for gas and groceries. I was very stressed but was worried he would get mad at me if I told him I needed help financially. So I would smile and act like nothing was wrong. I did ask for him to help me with groceries, in which he would give me $200.00 a month to buy groceries with. I hid the fact that I would smoke occasionally with friends. But it wasn’t that bad to me. Multiple times I would dress up in lingerie’s and he wouldn’t get intimate with me 85% of the time.. so I stopped the lingeries.. I was the one asking for sex and the one getting turned down more times than not. I was the one doing the yard work. I offered to do it, because he seemed tired. But my parents were upset that I was the one mowing the yard while he was only weed eating. One time, he didn’t even help. He went inside and played video games and gave me water when I got back in the house. His mother seemed to have more of a pull then I did, even though I was acting as his wife. For instance, I was cleaning our bedroom and opened the curtains to let some light in, because it was feeling depressing with it being so dark. I forgot to close the curtains after finishing cleaning and he went in there to change. When he noticed the curtains were open, he got onto me saying “Don’t open the curtains in my room. My mother can do it, because she’s my mom. But you can’t.” He later apologized, but it still hurt. It made me feel very inferior to a 60 year old woman who lived 4 ½ hours away. He would always seem to compare me to his mother, which made me feel very inadequate to say the least. Two years past, my birthday past… No ring. He kept hinting he would propose to me when we went on our vacation to Vegas. We were two weeks away from our vacation and he flat out told me “I’m not proposing to you in Vegas.” I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with him calling me his fiancé without having a ring to prove it. I told him I don’t need an amazing ring. I just want one that he picks out. A few days later, he introduces me as his Girlfriend to an important boss. I asked him why he called me his girlfriend to which he responded “I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or make you feel like you had to hide your hand.” I responded telling him I just want a ring. His response was, “If you want a ring so bad go buy it yourself and then I will propose to you.” He would also not consult me on important matters. One of the last straws, before I decided to leave, was him buying a brand new 2015 4 door Ford pick-up truck, while my car was on its last legs. He did not mention anything to me, even though at this point we had been together over 2 years. Instead, I learned about it whenever he was talking to his parents on the phone about going up to visit them and buying the vehicle where they lived. He started talking to me about it a week before we made the trip to buy it. He knew my car was on its last legs but really wanted this new vehicle. I was frustrated, but I didn’t say anything. Instead, I was supportive as always. The day before our trip, he asked me if I was going to clean. I told him I would clean the next day. I took off work early and went home and cleaned for 2 hours straight. I packed everything and was ready to go by the time he got off of work. He went in and played his video games to “de-stress”. I didn’t say anything. We ended up leaving late and not getting to his parents until midnight. His friend’s were in town and were adamant that we come visit that night (They couldn’t wait until the morning..or rather didn’t want to). I was exhausted but still went with them. We ended up staying out until 4 am. I was trying to sleep on his shoulder, he didn’t offer me his arm, but would only occasionally ask me if I was okay. He didn’t cuddle me or anything the entire time we were with his friends. The next morning, we were up at the car dealership. His parents and him both decided to buy new vehicles, while he told the car dealer that my car was bad but he is waiting for my car to break down. He then proceeded to handle all of the matters, not involving me in hardly anything the entire 7 hours we were there. It was like I was a child, whose opinion didn’t matter. As all of this is happening, his mother told me that she will not come to our wedding unless it is a catholic wedding and was seeming to compare me to Filipino girls. I wanted to leave, to escape, but Tucker still had us go back to his parents house. We finally got home, and I decided to be nice to him and dressed up in a maid lingerie and I cleaned the house for hours and hours. He didn’t help me with anything. I felt horrid in that maid outfit. Keep in mind that I am a 115-120 lb girl. I’m 5 foot 4 inches and am constantly told that I am beautiful. I felt like an old ugly cow in that. But I still did it. And his comment “This is how it looked when I was single!” With a "thank you.. I don't deserve you" thrown in. Then for the final straw. He told me that he would get me a car. He wanted to get me a new one. I was very happy. I picked the 2016 Honda Civic. Which he was fine with. It would be about $18K. But my boss told me that the bare minimum will break down faster. So I told Tucker, would it be okay for me to get the next best one? It would be $23k and we could use my current car as a trade in. He was not at all for that and proceeded to tell me that the engagement ring (which is already 2 months late) is costing more than he originally intended. He then said “Do you realize you are asking me to spend $5k more for this car?”. I felt that I hadn’t asked for anything those past 2 years. I paid my bills, I cleaned, I worked, I cooked, I gave him sex whenever he wanted… And I wasn’t worth $5k more for a better car that was still less than half the cost of his truck? He wouldn’t take my feelings into consideration. He played online games for hours those next few nights. He didn’t try to work things out even though I was extremely quiet and sad. I felt completely alone. I felt worthless. The entire time we were together he never bought me flowers, but I was the one who told him I didn’t need them at the beginning of our relationship. I would hint at them, but it seemed to fly by him. I would find myself thinking “Who would ever love me? Will I ever be good enough?” It started to worry me. Why am I thinking these things? Why am I feeling this way? Tucker always calls me beautiful. He always says he will never let me go. He says things like, “I don’t deserve you.” “How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing girl?” “You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are so sweet.” “You are my dream come true.” “You are the reason I look forward to coming home every day.” “I can’t live without you.” He would constantly cuddle me and take me out to eat when I asked. So why did I feel so unconfident? Why did I feel so useless? I finally told my mother all of these things, and my mother immediately freaked out. She told me I was in a mentally abusive relationship and I needed to get out immediately. I couldn’t see it. But I decided to trust my mother and moved into my own place with the help of my boss. I changed my phone number and I left Tucker a note on his computer saying goodbye. That night, he went to my parent’s house and left a note on their door. After that, he made a facebook account and began leaving me messages begging me to come home. Telling me he was sorry. Saying he did not know what he did, but he knows whatever he did hurt me. He kept apologizing and even went to my work the next day complety distraught. I didn’t talk to him for a week. Every day he was sending me long messages, asking me if I was okay, apologizing, telling me about his day, etc. After a week, I messaged him venting all of my frustrations and telling him what he did. He owned up to it, telling me that I am right and that he was a selfish B$%#%@. He apologized profusely and was very respectful. It has been three weeks since then. He has cooked meals for me, bought me so many different things, paid for my bills, taken me wherever I want to go, keeps apologizing, treats me like a queen. He is going to church, praying to God, and reading books on how to properly show love and how to treat your significant other. He is trying. He is being respectful and catering to my sexual needs. He keeps telling me that he will become a better man. He tells me that he honestly didn’t know and that he was selfish and unthoughtful. He says that can’t live without me. That I am the woman he loves and wants to marry. He said he never knew what it felt like to lose someone you love. He says that he will follow me until the ends of the earth and he will keep trying his best and waiting for me to take him back. I’ve looked through his phone. He was building an engagement ring and has been planning it since way back at our New York Trip. He doesn’t ever text anyone or show any signs of ever cheating on me. I was being told by my mom that he was cheating on me. I was told that he is dangerous. My mother is distressed. She told me today that if I go back with him then basically I will be abandoning my family. She said that my family will not be around him and will not have anything to do with him. She says men don’t change. She tells me to give up and to not talk with him or be friends with him. She basically gave me the ultimatum: Tucker or your entire family. Actually those were her exact words. She won’t go and support me at my singing event tomorrow, because he might be there… I don’t know what to do. My mother nearly divorced my father because He worked late and watched po rn. She put our family through utter hell for 10 years, making me have to grow up and take care of my 4 younger brothers and sisters. All because of those minor things. I lost so much childhood from those experiences and all of my life I thought that my step-dad was cheating on my mom, when in reality he was just working late and watching po rn occasionally. I just found this out when I broke up with Tucker. She tells me it should be the opposite. I should not have to work, I should not have to clean or be asked to. I shouldn’t have to pay any of my bills. He should cater to my every wish. I don’t feel that is right either thought. I’m not sure what to do. I was sheltered, homeschooled, not allowed to truly date….. I don’t know what is normal and what is not. All I know is I love this man. All I know is I’m confused and I’m scared. I’m broken with or without him. I stand to lose in any decision I make. I really need help. Will someone please tell me what is right and what is wrong. Tucker says that he will accept whatever decision I make. That he will support me, and that he loves me. He says he just wants me happy and knows that he treated terribly for two years. He says that he promises that he will never do it again. That I will never be alone again. That he will be my hero again and not a selfish villain. Tucker was the first one to ever fully accept me for who I am. My mother always told me I wasn’t good enough. She would tell me that I have to hide myself. That my hobbies were weird, that my interests were not normal. She shoved religion down my throat but told me I’m not good enough to be a pastor’s wife. That a pastor is too good for me. Now she doesn’t even believe in a true religion. She’s all over the place and all of my life, I had to hide myself for so long, and Tucker was the one that helped me out of my shell. He encouraged me to branch out and try new things. He showed me more of the world and made some of my dreams come true. He took me on trips and listened to my stories and my ideas. He told me that I can do anything I put my mind to. He told me that with hard work, nothing is impossible and that he accepts me and supports whatever I decide to do. Then he ended up hurting me and now people are saying he was mentally abusive when I told them the things I’ve mentioned above. Please help me. I have no clue what to do and everyone is saying different things. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
  9. Hello Everyone, I'm not only on here as a member, but I'm also completing my Ph.D. in psychology studying adversity. I'm inviting people to participate in a study about recently experienced personal adversity, personality, and temperament. The purpose of this study is to examine how one personally experiences adversity as a means to better understand how individuals experience and proceed through these experiences, and (by extension) similar, life events. Throughout the completion of this study you will be asked to complete a 20 minute questionnaire. This questionnaire battery will assess participants` feelings about the experience, the resiliency process, and the resulting outcomes. You will receive $2 compensation for your time. I know it's not much but I'm on a shoestring budget. To participate you must have recently experienced an adversity (e.g., a single significant difficult or challenging life event) within the past week prior to completing the survey, be at least 18 years old, and be able to communicate fluently in the written form of the English language. If you have 20 minutes, I'd really appreciate your help. Here's a link to my website and the study: http://www.holisticsalutogenesis.com/adversity/ Thanks again everyone.
  10. I hope it is ok to talk about this. My daughter married a man that had been abusive to her. She says he is not abusive anymore. She has a child which is not his, but he has been helping to raise for a long time. Today they were at my house, we had a house full of relatives. He wasn't talking and got my grandchild's attention, just to pucker his lips like a kiss to her. This seemed strange to me since she was busy playing a game on the computer. He also later sat on the floor in the center of adults talking. I don't know why. He then grabbed my grandchild's leg as she walked by and started tickling her. She got away and when she walked by again, he grabbed her by both of her legs and pulled her over to him and tickled her again. This caused a rug burn on her leg and she crawled away and you could tell she was trying to get away from him. She had told me before that he would tickle her, she would tell him to stop and he would continue and she would tell him to stop again and he wouldn't until her mother told him to stop. I think this is physical abuse. What do you think? She said they don't shove each other anymore, but they argue and say bad words to each other and she goes to her room. How can I deal with this as a grandmother? My granddaughter has a physical condition and ADHD. I know both of these could be hereditary, but I also wonder if they could be from the abuse she has seen and maybe still lives with. My daughter didn't have these problems even though she was in an abusive situation with me and her dad. She did have ulcers at a young age, which I wondered if they were caused by our abusive situation.
  11. He posted this on Facebook a couple of weeks ago.
  12. My husband said he likes to tease me because he thinks I'm cute when I'm angry. I'm guessing abuse, but maybe I'm just overreacting. I bet he wouldn't think I was so cute if I got real angry. This reminds me of a boy aggravating a girl or man teasing a child for some reason. Maybe because he says I'm cute.
  13. I ask my counselor today if she would sign a paper so I could get my disability put in my checking account instead of the person that takes care of it. She said her workplace would not allow it, due to they don't want her missing work for court. So, I am planning on writing to them myself. I ask my husband today if he knew what empathy was. He said for me to give my definition so he would know what he was answering to. I told him that it was being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel their pain. He said that he could. I ask why he didn't seem to have empathy for me then. He said there were different reasons for it, sometimes it would just come out of his mouth without thinking about it or he gets upset and starts venting even when he is not angry at me. Other times it was because he was angry at me for something I did or didn't do. I ask why he joked about things that were serious. He said that some things that he does, I do, or other people do seem funny to him. He said he thinks some people are too serious and don't think that anything is funny. He also said that he jokes about other serious things because it probably is a defense mechanism. He said that some things really bother him and joking is his way of feeling less pain about it. I ask if his parents joked around about serious things. He said, not that he could remember, but his three other siblings do. He actually talked to me and answered my questions without trying to shut me out by anger or other means. I think he was being honest with me.
  14. Hi I'm new here. I'm in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and have been for almost five years. I've come out of the closet about it. The crazy making,blaming is making me absolutely crazy and if I'm not careful I find myself thinking it's my fault. I actually thought tonight if I can just figure out what buttons I'm pushing then I could just not push those buttons and it would stop. but in actual fact even if someone's buttons get pushed it still doesn't give them licence to behave inappropriately. Thanx
  15. I would like tobe able to deal better with my husband's criticism, both regarding what I say and how it affects me emotionally. This is a problem I have had with him ever since very early in our relationship many years ago. He moved in on me very fast and was very demanding about what he wanted and criticized me if he didn't get it. This even included little things. I even discovered he didn't even like me to have a different opinion on topics and would get very upset of I did, telling me I was criticizing him. I guess you could say he is and was very sensitive to feeling put down, even if it wasn't about him. But he has also criticized me often out of the blue & it seems to me that i can expect this if things have seemed to be going well for a while. Ever so often he criticizes me in public. This can happen if I just speak up normally. It seems he has a rule I should be quiet & he conveys the impression there is something unacceptable about what I say & even about me. It has always happened in front of our children who are now young adults. He has even said "Go away!" when I just want to be there too. I am not aware that there is anything wrong with what I say or do. I have thought he might want to be on the "stage" all by himself. Periodically he criticizes me loudly at checkouts for little insignificant things, like knocking something over as I load things at the checkout. He has a rule I should then say nothing. If I do speak up quietly, he becomes very angry and loudly comes back at me such as, the last time, telling me I was making a scene - but, no, HE was making the scene. I have never felt I have got on top of this. I don't understand why he acts like this; I am not sure what is the best way to respond to him; and I need and want to not feel so upset after he treats me like this. I have tried speaking up calmly rather than just being shut down by him. But he bites back and can sulk for days if I do. I have to work at keeping up my self esteem & I don't altogether succeed. It seems he is putting a wedge between the children and myself. He has never been loving. I realize now that it was a mistake to have married him, but it is too late now and I do not want to be told to leave him. I am just aiming to make things as bearable as possible. I realize he will never change but I can.
  16. I am still astonished at how my husband can change from being a nice guy to a angry, out of control person. It is still bewildering to me, even after all the years we have been married. I think it was 1979 when we married. They say it's usually guys that forget the date, but that's not the case with me. My husband only said one thing today to upset me, "Woman go get me something to eat." In an ordering tone. I told him I didn't like to be called woman. He said "What should I call you, sexy?" I said when we are alone you can, but not around people. ​I had told him the other day not to call me woman, squaw, or engine anymore. He said he was only joking the other day. I feel like I should know by now when he is joking and when he is not. If I had to guess, I would say most of the time he is not joking, just acting like he is. This is difficult for me to believe even as I type this. He seems to tell the truth in other things, it seems strange that he would be lying to me about this. He has never hit me, but I am afraid of him. I have stopped arguing with him or left in the past in case he would have.
  17. This is the first time that I have done anything like this, but felt like I needed a release. My husband & I have been married for just over 3 years but together for 8 ½ - I have a 9 year daughter with an ex-partner, Husband took her on as his own. When I look back, the abuse has always been there. Verbal must have been, only I can’t remember it. He has been physical 3 times. Each made to feel like it was my fault – both fuelled with alcohol, I couldn’t argue any different. Apart from the last time when I friend witnessed it – he refused to speak to her again and accused her of splitting us up. Recently I started to do a lot of self-development and allowed myself to love me. Sounds strange! Once I started to do that, I started to have these thoughts and flashbacks of our whole relationship and thought did I really need to put up with this?! I felt like the tinted glasses had been lifted. I then started to research abuse and although I was too afraid to admit it I know that’s what has been happening. He kept telling me that my ‘brain washing’ has caused our marriage to break. If it wasn’t for that we wouldn’t be in the situation. I went to see a relationship counsellor and for the first time said out aloud everything that had been happening. It was confirmed that I was in a abusive relationship. Hearing the words out aloud felt like I was dreaming. At the same time I felt relieved. Relieved that I wasn’t going insane like he said I was. We discussed splitting and he moved out for a week. During this time, he called me dad crying on the phone to him saying he wanted me back. To me, he was telling me he was glad it’s over. We agreed to give things another go and he moved back in. I struggle to be intimate with him. I don’t feel like I know him well enough anymore to be. After a week things were still not any better and I suggested marriage counselling to him. He agreed. I went to see my counsellor (appointment was booked in whilst we were split) he kept questioning why I was going and asking what I would be telling them. He then said it made him feel really uncomfortable me going. I still went and discussed this at the session. When I got home things weren’t great still. I suggested getting the appointment booked in for us both with a different counsellor so he wouldn’t feel like they’ve already got an opinion of him, he refused. He said he doesn’t want to try it. I felt so hurt. He knew this was my ultimatum on us getting back together. We’re now splitting up again. He’s still living here and I hate it I don’t feel like I can relax whist he’s here. How do I get through this part now and a divorce? I don’t think I could claim the relationship as ‘abuse’ just to speed up a divorce. I also don’t want him to have a claim on me anymore. The worst thing is not thinking it’s as bad as it seems. Until you read an article and it’s as though I have written it myself. Every single word. Every Feeling. Is this really my life? It doesn’t feel like I’m a hard done to person. I’m constantly reminded daily, how fortunate I am to live in a beautiful house with nice holidays and a lovely car. To be told I’m materialistic when I say that they’re the things that don’t really matter. It’s like I don’t have feelings. If I cry I’m an emotional wreck and a cry baby. If I hold back the tears, I am a heartless lady dog. Can I live like this for the rest of my life? Listening to my daughter say that when she is older she doesn’t want to get married as: ‘men are hard work’ – she is 9! 9 and already has formed an opinion on men. Are all men the same? So many questions running through my head right now………. Is this really the person who I married? Or has it always been there and I just never saw it? Why did I let it get this bad? What is wrong with me? Is it really me? Why is it now that I feel different after all of these years? What if I had realised years earlier – I wouldn’t have had to go through the marriage! What if I carried on as ‘normal’ and felt trapped until I’m old? Why can’t he see what he’s done to me? What makes him hate me so much? Does he realise how much he hurts me? Does he ever feel guilty? Does he love me? Does he have any feelings? If I could just make him understand how much he hurts me would that make things better? Would he then get help? Would things ever be ok? What if we split and he meets somebody else and has a ‘normal’ relationship? That would mean it was definitely me that was the problem – wouldn’t it? What it I meet someone and it happens again? Will my daughter resent me for the breakup? Will my family understand? Do you tell your family how bad things have got? Do you tell your friends? Do people understand what you’ve been going through behind closed doors? Why is he nicer to other people than to me? Why do people think he is lovely and tells me how lucky I am to have him? Why don’t I see it as lucky? Why don’t they see the pain I’m in? Does this make me liar? Do I have to lie for the rest of my life? Will it end when we’re separated? Will it ever end? How will he treat my daughter? How will he treat me? What does he say to his family about why we’re not together? Why don’t they call to see how I am? Why do I feel so confused when I know we shouldn’t be together? Why? Will it ever leave me? The pain? How bad could it get if we don’t split? What if he changes? Is there a chance? Do I really want there to be a chance? Do I still love him? Do I still want to be married to him? What am I going to do? Am I a strong person? Am I strong enough for this? Why did I let things get so bad? What is my responsibility in this? Some of it has to be something I’ve done surely?
  18. Well i dont really know where to start, maybe where this all started. I am a 23 year old with a beautiful 1 year old little boy and a partner that obviosly doesnt have a care in the world for me, but i think this started well before this. When i was a little girl, i had which my parents thought a happy and save childhood, which they where wrong! Between the ages of 4 through to 7 i had a best friend who lived next door, who also had an older, perverted brother. Throughout the time i lived next to these people i was molested . I was too young and scared by the threats of this older boy that i never told anyone. Magically when i was 8 my family moved which then got me away from that nightmare! Starting in a new town, what happened to me never really was thought of until the day when i was 13 my mum got a phone call from my old best friend (with the perverted brother) telling my mum of the things that had happened to us my mum asked me and i was to scared to talk or admit what happened so i lied and said "No, that never happened." Bringing up old memories and going through teenage years i was depressed to the stage where i slit my wrist. (The proper way, not the way just for attention). My mum came into my room seen i was bleeding and took me to the hosptial. Then everything came out, police came for me to make a statement about what happened when i was a child. I was then taken to this room in a secret area with cameras and tape devices and was asked what happened in fuller detail. After this interview i was told nothing could be done because i couldnt remember what clothes i was wearing (when i was 4 years old) what a joke! Nevermind that i went to counselling and that was soon forgotten, until my parents spilt because of the "pressure" i was putting on the family, but it wasnt as easy as that! My dad come home drunk one evening and cause a fight with my mum. I told him to leave her alone and he started calling me horrible things, things you can even imagine!! He held my against he wall by my throat and my brother came and got him off me!! Then he through all my stuff down the stairs at the front of our house and told me to get out. (I was only 14 at this time.) My mum left too and basically dumped me on my boyfriend at the times door and told me she will go stay with my aunty until she can save enough money to get us a place. Years wen on, mum got us a house, i left school in year 9 ( I was top of my class, but think that i just couldnt handle everything that was happening to me). When i turned 18 I had a good job earning good money so i went out and got a car on finance, was really happy at this time. My boyfriend and I broke up and I moved into my own place. Then i met this guy...... Yes, this is now where it all begins. I met him through facebook he kept annoying me to meet him so one day i gave in, and he basically never left my house. In the first 6 months he used to take my car where ever he wanted, used to bring his friends to crash at my place, eat all my food and drink my fridge dry! He used to have numerous girls numbers in his phone. I dont know how this ever happened in the first place he basically just used me for what i had, must of been the "love" thing i had for him. But one day i had enough! I told him to leave, pack your stuff now and get out! He didnt go, he actually change a little. He got rid of the girls numbers, he stopped going out everynight but then he became very violent. He was taking drugs and steriods which i believe caused him to hit me. I was so depressed i lost my job, had no savings left and was behind on my car payments. He encouraged me to move into his parents, which i did. Then his attitude got worse. He started going out more, speaking to me like a piece of crap and controlling me. Then i fell pregnant and couldnt take it anymore so i moved to my mums. He didnt like that idea so he pushed me over, kicked me and put me in the car heading towards bushland, i threated for my life so i jumped out of the moving car and started running. I called the police and he was arrested. By an AVO he was not allowed to contact me. When he got out the first thing he did was came to my mums, was crying and sorry I couldnt handle this so i packed my bags and went out of state for a month. I changed my number so he started emailing me. Begging me to come back, so I did. 6 months pregnant i moved in with my cousin who promised she would help me as i had no other friends or family. A week later i had my pregancy scan to find out my babies gender, i invited my ex as i thought it was the right thing to do, my cousin found out i invited him and kicked me out!! The father of my unborn child asked me to talk, he sat down and invited me to stay at his parents house, as i had no where to go, i went. Times where pretty good, for the last few months of my pregancy, i got a scholarship in nursing which i attended until i had my son but as soon as my son was born , my partner did not help with anything which ended in me losing my scholarship as i could not attend. Then he got better again, I am now in my own place with my son and his father, my problem now is his father ignores me, he never talks to me but when he does its just horrible words. He earns fantastic money which he spends on himself and has a really bad gambling habit. I get help through the government which goes all on my son, im just so confused, i cant do this anymore. The only person holding me still to be here is my son who i love so much. At least before when he used to be bad he used to apologize now he dont even do that! Its always all my fault!! I get up at 4am to make his breakfast and lunch when he comes home he has beautifully cooked dinner, he get sex when he wants it ( 9 times out of 10 i dont want to) but i do it to make him happy. I get NO apriciation for anything i do!! My goal in life is to attend uni next year so i can make a happy healthy and finacially stable home for my son, I just need to find the strength to do it myself. I need to find the strenght to leave him because he wants full controll of my life and he doesnt want me to succeed in anything i do. why doesnt my partner just leave, he sees me cry every night and never askeds whats wrong, He speaks to me like a piece of crap, everything always comes before me, he spends all his money on himself and never gives always takes. I am pleading for help and advice, i want him to go but just dont know how strong i can be because all i have is myself and my son, i have no friends or family for support, please help i dont want to be unhappy anymore!! When is it my turn to be happy?????
  19. I'm so tired of the anger, the immaturity, the lack of change or commitment to change. He leaves me feeling used and unappreciated. Why do I even stay? I don't even know what I'm getting from this relationship - other then the fact it's comfortable. He's a narcissist, so I've learned that even the good he offers - I can't rely on or trust - because suddenly and without warning, he'll take it away, or walk out, or tell me off. I hate that I care about him. I'm so tired of him. I want to get to the point where I just don't even care anymore. I feel like I'm so isolated from everyone and everything. Tired...