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  1. I know that my husband and I are not good as a couple. He belittles the kids and I, he is controlling and manipulative, he has anger issues. We have established that we need to divorce. Yet, if I divorce him, I risk the kids being alone with him and not having me to buffer his anger and I will not be there for the kids (ages 9 &10) when he acts up. I cannot risk loosing my kids. I quit my career to stay home, raise the kids and to allow him to take his career to next level. I now have no money, I'm trying to rebuild my real estate career in a new area & although we are trying to do this as friends, he just told me he doesn't want to pay for anything for me and that I should pay 1/2 the rent which is $2600 total. I was making considerably more $ than he when we married. I got him the job he gas today (litterally-I made a resume for him, sent it out, etc). We are living together as "friends" & he still emotionally abuses me, but what are my options if I don't have a solid income yet and why does it hurt soooo much to acknowledge the 13 yr old marriage is over when I know it's wrong to stay? Pls help. Thank you, I am really hurting and confused from all of his mental games and I don't trust my own judgement now.
  2. I've only been aware of my own abuse situation for a little over a month. Since then, I have tried to talk to my husband about it, as well as my mother and father. Since, after years of abuse, I pretty much stopped functioning as a human being, I am now in the position of asking the abusers that shaped my character (my mother and father) and the abuser I married (so that I could play out my childhood again, apparently, by letting myself be so thoroughly controlled by him that I would finally cease being able to tolerate it) Please let me know if you can relate to it, or what it brings up for you. Here's the letter I wrote to “Jacob”. He's: my surrogate brother(?), my mom's surrogate son(?) Ah...Let's just call him a close friend of the family. Hi Jacob, When/If you talk to Mom about parting with the money to get me out of debt, let her know these things (or simply read her this letter) Mom: I will always love you. It is time for me to step into my own life and my own future. Yesterday I started making a list of things I need to do to further my own independence, start my own life free of the limits and expectations of Others. One thing on the list was to resume studying ASL. As you know, I have a great capacity for learning languages, especially if I have the opportunity to be immersed in them. I was near a computer, so I looked up when the next class being offered was and it was that day. So, I signed up for and paid for the class, using a credit card that was just a little shy of being maxed out, which my husband pays the minimum on each month for me (which means we pay approximately $2,500.00 per year in interest for the privilege of having an outstanding debt of $15,000.00. ) I am now ready to concentrate on my own future and my own recovery. My husband tells me I must get a job, any job(!) right away or we will "lose everything!" Nearly everyone in the world feels they don't have enough money to feel truly secure. That is just how people are. You and my husband and Dad and maybe even Me(!) want to feel that we have enough money so that we will be taken care of, should we become unable to take care of ourselves. I have asked around, and if you are willing to give me this money to further my future (and freedom) you will still have enough for you to be taken care of for the rest of your life. The $15,000.00 I need to pay off my debts is a bit less than 2% of your total net worth. As you know, I have always placed a higher premium on freedom and happiness than on financial security. With the exception of the past 3 years, I have always worked. I was never given permission to spend a few years not working a menial job and going to school. My husband would never agree to me doing this because "We can't afford it!". You or my dad might say, "Well, why should We have to help you out financially? Isn't that your husband's job?" And, he would say "Well, get a job. I hate working too. It's what adults Do!" To all of this I would say "Phooey. It's well past time for me to do the things I was meant to do in this life. Which, if you haven't noticed, is getting shorter by the minute. I'm going to put my recovery first. I'm going to take ASL, swim every day, go to meetings every day. Heck, I might even take a week long ASL immersion workshop in another state! I'm not asking anyone to sacrifice themselves so that I can finally work on Me. You could help me, yes. And that would be lovely. But if you truly feel "We don't have the money for it," I'm just going to have to do it without your support. I can "raid" my own retirement account (as my husband puts it) instead of draining yours. (Thus borrowing from my own frail, elderly self instead of yours). Since you do love me, and wish the best for me, I wish you would support me in this process of transformation. But know that, if you do not? It will happen anyway. It IS already happening. This next part I may or may not share with my husband: If I have to divorce my husband to find myself; I will do so. Dear one: You often say things like: "Why do you want half My Money?" Oh, Darlin'. If you think I married you for your money, you must think my mamma raised a fool. I paid for Half of everything we now own for 13 of the 16 years we've been together! Right up until the point where I broke down from the pressure of trying (& failing!) to be a good wife, daughter, employee, recovering addict, etc. When I told you I hated my job and wanted to do something else, you discouraged me from pursuing every single career idea I came up with. Realtor? Realtors are Evil and only care about money. They come in to the house you're renting with no notice and show it! Teacher? Oh, teachers have to deal with so much bureaucracy, red tape, teaching to the test, etc. --You'd hate that. Well, hmmm. What about being an antique dealer? Oh, you've told me yourself that's an impossible way to make a living. We need your income. Go ahead and try it, but don't quit your job just to do that! I know you; you'd be perfectly happy staying at home like some 50s housewife while *I* supported us. You think the things you do for me, the cleaning, the shopping, being my "social secretary" are worth as much as the money I contribute to the marriage? Well, think again Sister. I could hire women to do all those things for HALF of what My time is worth per hour. Even if you could afford not to work, I'd want you to keep working. Otherwise I'd be jealous. Yet, when I Was still working, and you would tell me how much you hated going to work, I would tell you, in all seriousness: Quit your job, then! I could support us for a while. And. I meant it. So, I got a little carried away there. What I'm trying to get at is this: Life is too short to spend the majority of one's life doing things you don't want to do simply to fulfill one's perceived "duty" to others. Husband, Mom, Dad (and anyone else within the sound of my voice) Please stop sacrificing your own happiness on my account. Because *I'm* gonna. If I thought that devoting the remainder of my existence to making you happy would actually be effective, I would not hesitate to do so. But, it's not. Turns out it's a big Fat Waste of Time. So, let me know what you decide. This is not emotional blackmail. I don't stop loving people just because they don't always come through for me or do what I want them to. So, be secure in the knowledge that I will love you whatever your decision turns out to be. We can work out the details later. Sincerely Yours Me