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Found 18 results

  1. Hi all, Thanks for the chance to talk, a little background, 5 year relationship, 3 kids (one autistic), partner previously married (12 years) kids are from that relationship, I used to have in the car what I called the before you see her checklist, brush teeth, mouth wash, chewing gum, leave phone in the car, change socks, roll on deodorant, take shoes off at door, place keys and wallet on the bench. I would stop somewhere on the way home and do all of these things to stop the criticism from the moment I walked in. Any perceived imperfections were pointed out constantly, I was belittled at every opportunity over things that just should not matter (water not hot enough to wash dishes, breath and other items as above checklist, not paying enough attention to her) I am constantly told that the kids will prefer to live with their father because I do not make enough money and it is my fault that we have to budget (partner does not work) As soon as there is a crowd I am attacked and have, wage, hygiene, dress, etc mocked. If I ask her to stop I am told I do not understand her depression and anxiety and if I ask her to talk to me more calmly and without pointing out everything she doesn't like about me, she has episodes of self harm, which make me feel responsible and unable to talk to her about any behavioural patterns I just feel so lost On weekends that the kids go to their fathers the self harm and aggressive behavior escalate and I am under constant criticism, she will tell me to leave and go to my parents because I wake up to early, I sleep in my car because I am too embarrassed and ashamed to tell people what is going on I just need people to talk to who might understand, there is much worse but this should give enough insight into the fear and confusion that has consumed me Thanks for listening
  2. So I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about my relationship with my girlfriend. Right now, we're on a break. We've been together since we drunkenly hooked up on Halloween in 2015, and she moved in with me instantly in my dorm afterwards (freshman year of college). Before this, she slept around a lot, drank a lot, and smoked cigarettes, didn't save any money, and had very self destructive habits. From there, I gradually stopped going to classes, gained weight, stopped going out with friends, and only spent time with her. She had a third shift job at the time so I messed up my sleep schedule pretty bad to be there for her when she got off work. She had a lot of very significant mental issues, including past sexual and emotional abuse, dissociative identity disorder (with multiple alters), depression, C-PTSD, and anxiety. She believes that she has Asperger's Syndrome, although she hasn't been tested or spoken to a therapist about this. Her alters have hit me/assaulted me, and she has since reintegrated them into her personality with the help of therapy. During spring 2016, she proposed to me and I proposed to her (two different occurrences, we both have a ring). She seemed very intent on lifetime commitment, and at this point, her mental health started to improve because she really buckled down and started making positive changes in her life (e.g. quit smoking). She attributed these to our relationship. At the beginning of the summer, we agreed that it wasn't good or healthy for us to be like this, and made some radical changes to our relationship and continued living together in her apartment while I commuted to my job at my university and she worked at a factory. Over the summer, I didn't see any of my friends, but we went out with her friends locally once or twice. I remember feeling very lonely, like I was stuck in a routine, and my major memories were of sitting on the couch with her and doing nothing, just going on my computer and watching her play video games. She never liked it when I left for very long. It's also worth noting that I did most/all of the cooking and cleaning even though we were both working. During fall semester of this year, I discussed with her that I wanted to improve my grades and focus more on school and school-related things (extracurriculars, volunteering, spending time with my friends, etc). She seemed open and receptive to it, and she lived in her apartment while I lived in the dorm. However, she came over every weekend and spent the whole weekend with me, and most of the time we would just lay in bed, me holding her. She frequently uses her mental illnesses as reasons why she is so "clingy", why she cries so often, and why she wants me physically close all the time. She also wants kinky sex, which makes me uncomfortable, and will cry whenever I won't have sex with her. She says that she feels like she's not good enough because I won't have sex with her. She calls me "Mama", which makes me uncomfortable as well because it's not something I'm interested in. The Friday after Valentine's Day, we sat down and had a serious conversation about these things and decided to take a break for the weekend. It's Saturday, and we're going to meet up tomorrow to All my friends that I've spoken to think I should break up with her, and while I can definitely see what they're saying, I still love her. I'm confused because I don't know if that's enough to continue to be with her, or if I should cut my losses and move on.
  3. Hi Everyone: I am new here. Was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a little under 4 years. He was the victim type and so at first it was all about how everyone had been terrible to him and I was the only one who understood him. He had had a really terrible childhood but I think he has never really tried to rise above it. I have a disability and get government benefits but my parents highly subsidize me and so like 4 or 5 months into the relationship, he was sad about a financial setback and said he may not be able to see me for awhile and I said I could help (He was working and not paying much in the way of rent but is a big hoarder and spends money on stuff.) He accepted without much in the way of protest which should have been a sign. I also paid for the majority of our dates (I mean for both of us) but he was sweet and seemed to really love me. A couple of months after I offered to help the first time, he asked if I could help with something very minor. I was a little taken aback but thought if I was having financial issues, he would help. I had forgotten this, but he also asked a third time and I didn't have that kind of money so I told him no. At the time, I thought he took it well, but rereading the email yesterday, it seemed like he was irritated. (Not a lot, but more than you would be if you were asking someone to do you a favor for the second time.) Then time stopped for five months. But let me back up for a second. About 9 months after we met, we got engaged. Legally, due to my benefits we couldn't get married but had a big engagement to do . (paid for by parents and grandparents. It was also a milestone birthday so would have had a party anyway but it might not have been so big.) Now, the five months time stopped. I was diagnosed with a very severe, potentially fatal, but in this case treatable illness (trying to keep this vague as I was unique case.) Though normally really not the case, I ended up having to stay in the hospital for all the five months I got treatment. My ex was really great and supportive. My parents were my main advocates, as I wanted , but my ex stayed a lot of nights. At the time he had a job some nights and my parents offered to pay for nights he would have gotten overtime but me/them wanted him to sleep in my room. I forget if he protested as my mind was preoccupied and I was on heavy drugs. I felt like we were all a team. After my stay, I was in convalescence at home for a few months and I asked my parents if he could stay at the house when he wasn't working at night and they agreed . (I live downstairs from them.) He had been evicted from his previous apartment. The first sign of trouble was that we told him he could only bring in a little of his stuff to our house and he brought a lot and wouldn't clean up when I asked him to. My parents are my caregivers and did all of it for the first three months after my hospital stay. But then my ex started to a little bit (and not very good.) as well as driving me a handful of meetings to political meetings. (With my car, me paying for gas and usually me buying him a meal.) And doing this time, he decided to change jobs so basically lived with me. He also started drinking a lot, and I joined him, but not quite as much. He started saying that he should get a third of my care money that I get from the government and my parents loved me but were taking advantage of me. Well, my dad has a job that pays A LOT more than the care money he receives . (Oh and they had just paid for my hugely expensive commitment ceremony,) He was drinking too much by that point so I told him no talking until he got help. Which he did and I thought he would get better in terms of my parents, but he didn't . finally he forced me to write a note to my parents saying that they needed to give him a third of the caregiver money or we would leave. ( His ex, who I didn't like, offered to have us stay at her place while we got it together.) Of course my parents were upset and told me that we needed to talk. Luckily, the practical side took over and I stayed and he stayed, This is getting long, so will just summarize the main lowlights. My parents needed to do repairs so they asked him to go. He preceded to have his psychologist call a social worker on me saying I was being abused by my parents. I wasn't, not by a long shot. He got really upset that after that they didn't want him at their house. I kept trying to explain but it never took. He started telling me that my parents were holding me hostage and just wanted me for my money. As I said, I am HEAVILY subsidized by them and most months it is either a break even thing or I'm draining money from them . (And THEY have NEVER made it seem like it was a burden, they just want me to have a great life.) Kept saying both that I made him lose all his money and that he doesn't care about money, he just wants to live with me. Made fun of my political work . (And we were similar, but just a little different , in that area. Think of last years primary,) Told me I should have someone with me all the time that would get paid (like him!) in case I got run over by a car. I have NEVER wanted that and though I live with my parents, consider myself pretty independent in terms if getting out in the world. Kept saying both my family and I were irrational (god forbid we have feelings) Said it was a burden to come to me to see me so insisted I come close to him, then preceded to yell at me that we didn't live together,. Said all the right things to the psychologist I insisted we see but then seemed to never have any epiphanies. So by October of this year, I was about over but was busy planning a social event and doing political work. After the election, I wasn't in a talking mood and was watching stupid tv . (I hope that is a apolitical enough.) So he calls my social worker and tells her that my parents locked me up in house with no phone. I had a few angry notes to him that day and he kept saying nothing was his fault. I was worried about breaking up with him on my own and my psychologist agreed to be the witness so I told my ex and he refused to come. Basically since December I have been building up my support system. I decided that I really didn't want to be with him on Valentines Day so planned to write him a good bye note before then . (He has kept writing "I miss you" notes and I haven't respond.) Anyway, last week I discovered he has had an online dating profile since August with porno of him in it, (The porno was from this Janurary so technically fine but you know disgusting and we aren't young either!) So Monday just blocked him from all my social media , email and calls. (I am on a family plan with my dad so I have to go with him to block texts but we plan to do that this weekend.) I usually at least write a breakup note or something but feel he deserves NOTHING. There is more, but that should get you started.
  4. Hey all :-) I have been busy lately and have released a new book called The Little Book of Self Love. https://goo.gl/rRLJWZ (US Amazon) https://goo.gl/IIAWnX (UK Amazon) https://goo.gl/BOhbxO (AU Amazon) https://goo.gl/qhtCHa (CA Amazon) I thought it would be an awesome idea to create a book on how to help people who have been emotionally hurt, abused or simply need a confidence boost. I'm a great believer in using affirmations to banish negative thoughts, which are especially prevalent for those of us who have experienced abusive relationships. I'm also a designer, so used my skills to create some pretty cool picture affirmations. This little book of love is filled with beautifully created pictures of positive affirmations, and a guide detailing on how to use affirmations. You can also create your own, relevant to your specific situation. Remember, if you can repeat it and see it, then you can be it! If you would like to feel better about yourself, your life, future and relationships or need emotional healing, then this book will help you love yourself again. Download the graphics and use them as your you wish, or flick through them to remind yourself just how incredible you are. I have attached an example of one of the affirmations in my book! Best wishes Naiomi P.S. Please remember that abuse is never your fault.
  5. I'm so sad, in the last 2 months I watched the love of my life turn into a cruel monster. He's hurt me badly physically, emotionally and mentally, he has cut the heads off my pets, terrorized me and everyone I know. Please tell me how to stop loving him
  6. I really don't know why I'm posting all of this I just... Really needed to vent I guess. I left my abuser 2 weeks ago today. It was the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do in my life, and I couldn't even really follow through with the whole, "no contact" thing, but I didn't let her back in. To put things in perspective, I'm a pansexual woman and my abuser was also a woman. Ever since I left though I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the terrible things that she did to me... I just wanna scream and cry some days and every time someone touches me I go into panic mode on the inside, but I don't have the guts to say anything because I'm so ashamed... But it isn't just her it's... Everything. I've been through so much and I bottle it all up inside and never talk to anyone. I never let it out and I'm sick of it so I just wanna get it out. I just wanna let it out... When I was little I never really had a dad, my parents divorced before I was born and I lived with my mom. My dad was around sometimes, but my mom always made sure to remind me it was only when it was convenient for him. I want to make it clear that I love my mom, and for the most part we have a good relationship, but when I was a kid she left me alone pretty much all the time. When she was there she made me afraid of just... Everything. And I still am. She was an angry person and very controlling, and to an extent she still is, but the emphasis has always been on her emotions and what she wanted. When she started dating again she left me alone more and I started to develop severe anxiety and abandonment issues because she'd leave me alone or with babysitters that I hardly knew or my grandparents a lot, or she'd take me with her to her dates houses and I'd have to sleep on couches and stuff a lot of the time. Eventually she married my stepdad who is an emotional bully and an abusive a-hole. That also brought my step sister into the picture who was a golden child who could do no wrong, while I ended up with a lot of neglect and abuse. When they got married when I was 11 I didn't have a room anymore. My 12th birthday was spent locked in my stepbrother's bedroom because I made an F on a book report because I have mild dyselxia, which we didn't know at the time and I had always been an A/B student, while the rest of my family ate the cake. That was the same trend that happened every year after until I came to resent my birthday, and I still do. When I finally got a room I wasn't allowed to have any privacy, I was constantly being barged in on for no real reason. I isolated myself and played video games to try and escape reality and my step dad wouldn't let me do that because it would "impair my functioning", so I took up guitar and a few other instruments and learned to play pretty well and he wouldn't let me do that because it was too loud. I tried a lot of things and in the end I would just end up spending most of my time in my room doing nothing but laying in bed depressed and bored or crying. In high school my room didn't have a door, so I used a curtain for privacy, but he would come upstairs and tear it down no matter what I was doing because of some ridiculous reason that the upstairs temperature wasn't regulating between mine and my step sister's room because of it. We got into screaming matches and I can't stand to be around people that yell anymore or I just start shaking and shut down, and I can't stand up for myself. If I do I'm a shaking anxious mess because my mind always wanders back to all the threats of being kicked out or hit. He tried to kick me out several times and almost did once. Every time I left to spend time with my dad, by this point I went to see him more regularly, they would do something fun without me. My mom always just told me to take it so she "wouldn't have to listen to him complain" in not so nice words. So I did. The only time they ever had anything good to say about me was in front of other people. As bad as things were at home, they weren't much better at school either. I moved schools several times after they got married and got made fun of just all the way through school and never really made any friends, and what few I did make weren't really interested in me as a friend so much as an emotional dumping ground in middle and high school because they knew I was starving for emotional connections with other people. No one really ever talked to me unless they wanted to talk about a problem and when they were done they had to go. I never really developed social skills but I developed a lot of social anxiety, self confidence, body, and self hatred issues, and I still have them all in spades. I was always the weird, quiet kid who was eventually just going to snap and kill someone or a lot of people, even though the only person I'm capable of hurting is myself... My step sister, with her life as good as it was, just had to bully me more in school. She spread lots of rumors about me like that I was gay and I got lots of weird attention like having my butt pinched by some creepy guy and slapped by some girl, and, after dating my abuser, that I was the abuser and telling people personal details about our relationship along with other weird and untrue things that got me lots of negative attention. It goes without saying that with all of that happening, I was emotionally starved. All I wanted more than anything in the world was for someone to love me and I had been rejected by everyone I'd ever gathered the courage to ask out. That's when I met my abuser, and I instantly knew when I met her that she was bad news. Something innately told me there was something off about her, so I didn't immediately jump into a relationship with her, but by my sophomore year, my home life kept getting worse and no one else would date me. I was just so desperate for someone to love me... So I dove into the relationship without hesitation. Things were good for a few months, but then it started. I broke contact with one of the few friends, and I use that word lightly, that I had made in high school because of my relationship. Suddenly I was isolated and that's when it really started. Every single day I would go in and for every compliment would come with a complaint, until eventually the compliments stopped altogether. When we were together outside of school she would get angry at me for seemingly no reason. Eventually that anger escalated to screaming and I shut down when that happens, which led to more screaming. She threatened suicide if I ever left, she threatened to hurt me if I ever talked to a girl that I used to have a crush on, she made me cry so many times behind closed doors and in public she provoked me into getting angry to make other people think that I was being malicious. She went through my personal belongings every chance she got and made me give her my phone when I got to school every day. She would constantly leave hickeys all over me after I repeatedly told her not to because I got in a lot of trouble at home for having them. Eventually she would pinch me, hard, if I did anything that she didn't like, and if she was really mad she would bite me under the excuse that it was because she was turned on. She bit me so hard once in between my shoulders on bare skin it dropped me to my knees and I started crying. She pulled the neck of my shirt down just to bite me right there. Then she was so nice and spoke softly and tried to make it better. Eventually I just got to a point where I couldn't talk to her anymore because every time we talked we fought, and I couldn't take it. She would say the most awful things about me and broke what very little self esteem I had into bits. Our relationship ended when we mutually agreed to take a break, not necessarily break up. Within two weeks she started dating a guy and I came to find out that this guy had been giving her rides home for a while after school while we were dating. When I confronted her she said that she "didn't want a girlfriend" and that "no one would ever love me, not even my own family" and I still believe those words to this day. It devastated me. I put every ounce of trust I had into her because for my whole life I couldn't put it into anyone else and she abused and cheated on me... She absolutely destroyed me and for a little while I desperately tried to get her back. Eventually, due to the absolute loss of any shred of self confidence I had left I gave up. We dated for 2 years. It took me a year before I started dating again, and at that it was a long distance relationship because I couldn't trust anyone to be close to me. And things were good between me and her, I even got up enough trust and confidence to go meet her and we had a good time together. I was in college at that point and had hit a string of bad luck when my parents moved and kinda pulled the rug out from under me, so I had to go live with family who eventually kicked me out after a few months, then I had to move onto campus, then the spring semester of my sophomore year I hurt my back really bad when I fell on some stairs and none of my family would take me to the doctor so I had to drive myself in some seriously excruciating pain and I wrecked my car because of it. My new partner cheated on me and I forgave her, but I know that she continued to be unfaithful without telling me, and she started to withdraw from me leading up to the events that happened next. Through all that I maintained a high GPA and everything and was an A/B student for the most part. I worked a couple of part time jobs here and there in between all that too. It'd been two years and I had grown a lot as a person and she emailed me. I wish more than anything in the world that I had just ignored that email, but after talking with some people, they say it really wouldn't have mattered if I had responded or not. I wanted to bury the hatchet though. I hate being angry and holding on to negative emotions, so I emailed her and told her about life and that I was in a new relationship and things were good. She wanted to meet and be friends and I thought it sounded like a good idea, I wanted to see how she had changed as a person. I wish I had known that she hadn't. She came up during homecoming weekend of my Junior year. We went to see a movie, drove around, listened to music, talked, reaquainted ourselves, all that stuff and it was generally an enjoyable time. Then she came onto me. I'd be a liar if I said that I hadn't thought about it and that I didn't want it at least a little, but I was in a relationship and I said no, very clearly. It didn't stop, and instantly those feelings of want were snubbed out. I said no again and finally it stopped, but it didn't really stop. She got off of me and started to leave and started crying and... There are gaps in this memory. What I remember is that something she said or did made me say ok, and it didn't take any time for her to take action on that... I was a virgin then. The most I'd ever done with her or my current partner was kiss and fool around a little. Suddenly I was something that I never had been before and never wanted to be, a cheater, and I hated myself for it. I had a panic attack first thing when I got up the next day. I wanted to puke, and I remember going to class with that being the only thing on my mind. I got back to my room and she just made me feel worse by putting the blame on me for following through. She left when I told her to leave so I could figure things out, but stayed in town for a few days and came by every day until she had to go back. I was wracked with guilt and I started to withdraw from my new partner, and I definitely couldn't talk with her about it. Eventually I tried to because the guilt was just too much, but in response she broke up with me, and pushed me right into my abusers arms because she was the only one there to catch me. I called her, told her what happened, and she drove up there in the middle of the night. She held me and made me feel nice when someone else had made me feel so bad. I never said we were in a relationship. The next day my new partner called and apologized for what they'd done and I'd forgiven them and I thought everything could go back to normal. My abuser had assumed we were in a relationship now though and when I tried to leave she said that if I left she'd never be happy again, which means that she would kill herself when you read between the lines. My new partner on the other hand was very codependent and said that if she didn't have me she'd kill herself. I was put in a position where I didn't know what to do because my new partner has a history of suicide attempts and my abuser is very, very scary... So I stayed in a situation where neither of them knew about the other and stretched myself so thin. I cried almost every day and had no one to talk to about it, not even my counselor and he's one of the people I trust the most. During this time things with my abuser were awful. She had certainly changed. She'd gotten so much worse. It started small with the picking at my flaws, treating me like I was crazy and abusive, making me feel stupid, and it quickly got worse with the screaming arguments where I shut down again. I tried to defend myself this time around though, but it was a mistake to do so, it only made things worse, and she could easily tell that I was shaky and didn't really have the resolve to stand up to her. She just tore me apart even more until I finally did shut up. She had a car now so she made me go back to her school which was over 100 miles from mine with no one knowing I would be there. She made me change my eating habits, her friends either didn't know I existed or didn't like me, and I'm fairly certain she lied about her counseling to try to get over her anger issues. Some of the worst things that she did were just awful though. She screamed at me in the car once so loud that it permanently damaged my hearing, another time she got angry on the road so she floored it on a curvy road and I thought we were going to die, she made me do a lot of sexual things that I really didn't want to do... She even choked me once during and wouldn't stop... She wouldn't let me sleep at night unless I did what she wanted and after that I could go to sleep. If I fell asleep before she'd wake me up. She made hickeys all over me and I had to lie to my professors and tell them that I fell when they asked about the bruises. Once when I was really depressed and laying in bed I told her to go back home and got upset with her because she was never there for me to help me when I needed her... So she "helped" me by dragging me out of bed by the ankle and she forced me into the bathroom and held my arms behind my back and pushed me over the counter and used her free hand to make me look in the mirror... I hadn't been out of bed in a couple of days or gotten dressed... She told me to tell her what I saw, and... Gaps... All I know is I hate myself and I was crying and I don't know what I said and she held me there for a long time until I did what she asked and then she told me to say something positive about myself and... I couldn't... She let me go and I ran back to the bed and crawled back under the covers and cried and I never, ever brought up my self worth issues with her after that. Meanwhile my new partner was completely oblivious to all the things that were happening to me and I wasn't telling anyone, and she got mad at me on a regular basis because I would disappear for long periods of time. I felt like such a whore and I tried to overdose on antidepressants a weekend of sleepless nights in front of my abuser who just watched. I got scared and couldn't follow through though. My grades slipped and went from As and Bs to Ds, Fs and just complete Withdrawals from class because I couldn't handle it anymore. One night though it all went to hell. I fucked up. I left my phone in her car and she found it. She went through it just like she did everything, she saw the messages from my new partner and she called her. I tried calling both of them and ended up on a 3-way call and got laid into by the both of them. I tried to tell my new partner what was happening, but she wasn't listening. I'd even told her about my abuser and how awful she was in high school and she still believed her over me. That hurt so badly because I cared so much about her and honestly thought we would work when things finally got worked out with my abuser, but she was the second person to take my trust and destroy it. I sat there and listened to them both tell me I was a sociopath, a pathological liar, and that I didn't deserve happiness and the only thing that I deserved was to be alone. I said I was sorry several dozen times and then hung up the phone, and walked around the bad part of our town in the middle of the night just hoping that something would happen, because literally anything was better than my life at that point. Nothing did. So I sat outside in the cold for a while and then I went back to my room took some of the leftover pain pills from when I hurt my back with some alcohol, curled up under my bed and stayed there for a few days. Nothing happened. So I got up and tried to dust myself off of both of them and I got a call. I got a call from my abuser crying telling me she was pregnant (clearly, not mine) and she didn't want to be alone right now. I said okay, and she came up and cried and everything we went through the whole thing about how I was an awful cheater and it happened again. Completely against my will she managed to pull me into a relationship with her that I didn't want and she honestly made me believe that she was pregnant up until her "miscarriage" and had me scared to death that I was stuck in a life that I didn't want. Then I get a call from my partner and she said she was sorry and she realized that my abuser was a liar and a sick person after she had apparently told her all these terrible things, like I raped and beat her in high school, made her dress up in clothes my partner bought me for sex, beat her because she couldn't get pregnant, all kinds of crazy stuff. When she says all that stuff my blood just runs cold because I instantly thought about what would happen if she said those things to the police, which was a fear I'd had in the past, but it was just validated by someone I used to trust very much. So I forgave her, and the whole cycle started again, only this time things were much worse. It was my spring semester Junior year in college and I had just stopped going to class completely. I was so depressed and drained from all the drama in my life that I literally couldn't even get out of bed in the morning. I went to the doctor to have blood work done and they told me that I'd developed an autoimmune thyroid disorder that was likely activated from stress. I never told anyone how stressed I really was. Everything got so much worse this time around. I never told anyone what was happening. I dropped all my classes and took a medical withdrawal. She made me move in with her. She made me say yes to a proposal without knowing that's what it was. The screaming matches got worse to the point that I would be backed against a wall just saying 'I'm sorry' over and over to get her to stop yelling. She tried to smother me with a pillow once. She made me do some terribly degrading sexual acts and just wouldn't stop touching me... There were points where I would just get far away from her and scream at her not to touch me and she would do it anyway just because she could, even though it physically hurt me. One time we went out to eat and she pinched me so hard it made me cry and left a bruise the size of a golf ball on my arm. She... Hit me. Twice in the face and tried to grab my head and slam it into her knee, but I pulled away in time. I cried, I honestly didn't think she'd ever do that, but she did when I asked her why she did all she had to say was she "wished she had done it harder." After she did it... I was trying to get some of my stuff together and get ready to leave. She... Grabbed me by the neck and slammed me down into bed and the wall... She kept telling me how worthless I was, and how no one would ever love me, and how she should've done it harder... I didn't get to leave... Later that night she apologized and said she wouldn't even do it again and... Then she made me go down on her... It wasn't the first time, but she wouldn't let me breathe... I didn't sleep that night for a different reason than usual... A couple of days later she found my phone and went through it while I was sleeping and found texts from my partner and she woke me up... She started crying and then she called her friend... He's a frat boy that likes weapons and had been trying to join the Navy and she asked him to come over... If he hadn't been out of town, I don't know if I'd be sitting here typing this. Instead she got really angry and we fought the whole night about everything, and... She beat me... Hard... All over the shoulders, back, arms, and head. She kicked me out the next day, dropped me off at the bus station 100 miles away from anyone who could help me. I had to call my mom and have her help me buy a bus ticket and a cab back to my school. Within a week I left and went to live with my parents and try to recover from everything. She got into contact with me again and we maintained a long distance relationship, so no real abuse there aside from just making me feel like turnips, which she's very good at. I was still with my partner, but our relationship was strained harshly. I got a job and tried to heal and put everything out of my mind. Now I'm back in school, back in the area where everything happened, and I left my abuser. She's still right there in the back of my mind though. I'm working to get better, and I finally did stop talking to her. My relationship now is still strained though. I still have some housing difficulties, seeing as I've been legally homeless for 3 years, but I get by staying between the college and what family will have me. I'm sorry for the long post I just haven't really let it out... I've kept it inside for so long... I think about it every day and I just want my life to get better... I'm 21 years old and I feel like I'm in my 40s and I'm just so tired... Ok, I wrote all the previous stuff at like 4:30am when I couldn't sleep, so I'll add this now that I'm actually awake. I admit, I'm terribly, terribly depressed and lonely most days, but I'm doing very well in the wake of all the sad story that is my life. I get up every day bright and earlier, I go to class, do very well in school, go to work when I'm scheduled, go to counseling where I've started to open up more and try to work through my issues, got back to doing things that I enjoy, and I even make myself do new things to try and force myself to stop living in a constant state of self loathing and sadness. I make myself do things that push me past my comfort zone and raise my self confidence and help me make friends. I even dropped the weight that I put on during my past years period of abuse. I'm working so hard to be more and a better person that I can love and that other people will love too... That's pretty much everything up to this point...
  7. Hi everyone, this is my first post on here and I've decided to write one myself after seeing the inspiring support you give each other in this community. I haven't had many people to talk to about my current relationship, I guess out of fear, so this might be a long post. I'll give you a little background...my SO and I have been together for about a year (I'm 24, he's 23). We met at a party I was throwing at my previous apartment and he knew my roommate (sorta - he tagged along with mutual friends). We locked eyes immediately and it was game over for me. I fell fast. Back up a couple years, I ended a long-term relationship and swore I'd never fall in love again. But then I met him. The first few months were amazing. The dinners, the places we'd go, it was bliss. I'd never thought I could be so smitten again. But, the honeymoon phase ended quickly. I was in the shower and came out to see his face completely white. I thought, "OH NO!, I left my journal in my purse, did he read it??". I like to write in it on the metro during my commute to help sort my life in writing. My gut feeling was right, he read as much as he could while I was in the shower. Stomach dropped. Throat went dry. I knew I had to break up with him...I never had someone break my trust and invade my privacy like that! However, for some reason I decided to stay. He read some very juicy things that I've done in that past that I'm not proud of...so he decided to hold all of those things over my head. I guess he thought that if he has dirt on me, it will make me stay because maybe I really am a terrible person that he says I am? I know that sounds crazy but it's how he's made me feel. It has worked so far I suppose... The next couple months move forward, we're both tense with trust broken and uneasy feelings. We hit a nice period though, he meets my family and is accepted. We talk of marriage...kids...living together. Speaking of that, a big issue with my last apartment is that he stayed there almost every night (rent-free!!!!). I love him so why wouldn't I want to see him every day? That's what I told myself, totally pushing back the need to have alone time. I'm a very private person (why the journal thing threw me for a loop) so I enjoy having me-time to just relax and center myself. But, this wasn't allowed because he would say, "So, you must not love me if you don't want to see me!". I should also add that he didn't have a job, I'm working full-time, paying rent, and making dinner (I bought groceries) every single night for us. This was very stressful and my roommate could see it too. He has a bad habit of pouting if he doesn't get his way and even displayed that in front of her. She never said anything but I could read it on her face. She saw how much I sacrificed for him. She knows how nice and supportive I am for anyone in my life. She's known me for a long time and knew that I had sworn off relationships and that I was really, really trying with this one. Fast forward another month, he actually gets a very nice job (getting paid more than me). He wants me to move in with him (at his parents house to save money for a house) after my lease runs out. I agree, but then something new happened... He tells me his mom has taken a hatchet to their bathroom shower over an argument she had with her husband (great, right? totally not unhealthy for the family...psh). I take this as a HUGE red flag and took back what I said. There was no way I was going to move in there! Of course, he got very angry. But, I suggested renting an apartment together...you know, what's the big deal? We could afford it! Nope. He says he wants to save money for a house for when we're married and can have kids. I get it, that's noble I guess, but I just couldn't move into that house. This starts a whole new string of fights. SO: "You don't want to live with me?!" Me: Uh, no that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the opposite of that, that I want to, but we need to get an apartment. We can afford it. SO: "That's not what I want." Me: So, I'll have to move somewhere else. (b/c I didn't re-sign my lease b/c I thought we were moving in together) SO: "So you REALLY don't want to live me with me?!?!?!" So easily, this makes me just...I don't know...berserk could be a good word. I didn't know I had these feelings in me...my blood began to boil with every fight that happened. I decide to research, starting to think..."Hey, wait a minute here...is he emotionally abusing me?". I look at checklists, the red flag list, typical behaviors like gaslighting. Boom. Checked almost every single one. Isolated from friends and family (he told me he didn't like them and that they don't really love me). Check. Invaded privacy (went thru my journal first, but then I caught him going thru my phone, Ipad, he even broke into my apartment once when I wasn't home in time, etc.). Check. Started a fight with me at the drop of a hat (everything I do is never enough to him, he makes me feel insignificant). Check. Was the sweetest and most romantic person I'd ever met (to make up after yelling at me). Check. It goes on...these are just highlights I guess. I bring this up with him. I tell him, "Hey! I think you're treating me wrong and I deserve better!". I was thinking to myself, "Heck yeah! Stand up for yourself! Mental high-five!". Well, this went horribly wrong. He didn't take it well and accused me of treating him wrongly. Heeeyyyy....wait a minute! That's not the truth! But, he opens up, he has had some very terrible relationships in the past (apparently a crazy ex that tried to hurt him, was pregnant with him - but got an abortion). I started to pity him. His stories were crazy. We made up and had a great weekend. He took me out, we walked around, it felt like old times. Now that I'm thinking about it...what if he was the crazy one in the stories and these poor girls were victims? Oh man... But, jump to right now. I moved in with an old roommate, I love it. It feels comfortable and welcoming. I'm working but also babysitting this week overnight. We see each other on weekends (he still lives with his parents). Also, I've forgotten to mention that he breaks up with me probably once every two weeks I swear. But anyways, I just got off the phone with him from another argument where he just hangs up on me. It's not even mid-morning yet! C'mon! So, instead of calling him back, I decided to write about what is going on to maybe understand it. He yelled at me for not texting him in the right way? Like, does that make sense to anyone? That I don't text him right so that's why he's yelling at me...but then everything came out... SO: "I hate that we don't live together, I hate that you're babysitting all week, I hate that I never get to see you..." Then, click! He hangs up. Wow, a whole lot of "I hate", right? No "I love yous", "You're doing the best you can", "I'm proud of you for working so hard". I'm busting my butt guys! I work full-time and watch these wild children all week, get them to school, cook them dinner, etc. Granted, I love these kids, I've watched them here and there the past couple years. But darn, I'm tired! So, here's another work day where I think I'm crazy...or maybe he's crazy?! But, this game is getting exhausting. What can I do to fix this? Or, do I need to just cut him out? Does he have me in a vicious cycle of emotional abuse? Sometimes I don't feel like I know myself anymore. Now that is the saddest thing I've written so far. I know I'm an awesome person that has accomplished a lot in life, why do I let someone bring me down so much? I'm so young with so much potential in my life. Am I doing this as some terrible self-destructive thing? Or am I really brainwashed? I don't know what to do... Does anyone reading relate to me? For anyone that has read the whole thing, thank you. -greengrass
  8. For anyone who has messaged you will know I've been trying to hold my marriage bad family together for some time now... After the last episode when a glass candle holder was smashed and my eight year old daughter heard everything... Last night he started on me saying that our marriage was over, and that he was better to leave me and the kids to go to Australia with his brother.. That everything was my fault and that I'm the reason he is the way he is.... I was so hurt, but half of me knew he was just doing this to be hurtful and to see what reaction he got, which wasn't what he wanted.....I didn't throw myself at his feet and beg for him to stay bla bla bla So he asked for my wedding ring back, and just kept trying to get me to start this conversation going on and on about me and what I did to him last year That he was so much better off in Australia without me So I managed to pacify him to get to sleep Then this morning I told him to go and sort himself out because I am not willing to put my kids through anymore of this hurt and emotional head fuckery!! Worst part is that I just can't bring myself to cry
  9. I know that my husband and I are not good as a couple. He belittles the kids and I, he is controlling and manipulative, he has anger issues. We have established that we need to divorce. Yet, if I divorce him, I risk the kids being alone with him and not having me to buffer his anger and I will not be there for the kids (ages 9 &10) when he acts up. I cannot risk loosing my kids. I quit my career to stay home, raise the kids and to allow him to take his career to next level. I now have no money, I'm trying to rebuild my real estate career in a new area & although we are trying to do this as friends, he just told me he doesn't want to pay for anything for me and that I should pay 1/2 the rent which is $2600 total. I was making considerably more $ than he when we married. I got him the job he gas today (litterally-I made a resume for him, sent it out, etc). We are living together as "friends" & he still emotionally abuses me, but what are my options if I don't have a solid income yet and why does it hurt soooo much to acknowledge the 13 yr old marriage is over when I know it's wrong to stay? Pls help. Thank you, I am really hurting and confused from all of his mental games and I don't trust my own judgement now.
  10. So my life is and has been a disaster.... Where to begin? I guess after I had my daughter, her dad left when I was ten weeks pregnant, never heard from him again. I had her on my own with the help of my mum. At 18 months old my daughter met my new partner....we had a rocky yet happy 4.5 years, I had a beautiful baby boy with him before I left due to his anger issues a year later. This however is nothing compared to what I have been through over the last 2 years. I had 6 months on my own before I met my husband....it was a whirlwind romance. Like a fairy tale I felt I had met my Prince Charming, and he felt he had met his princess. We married very quickly and things seemed perfect! Sure he'd had a drug habit and a past...but we all have a past and he wasn't taking drugs anymore...which was due to me he said. He continued to be my rock and best friend...however the cracks started to show when I questioned his drinking, when he told me I wasn't allowed to discuss our disagreements with my friends, or when I wanted to go out with certain people he didn't like. Then my three year old sons behaviour became an issue, he told me he wasn't right, that he couldn't bond with him and that my son hated him. I had the health visitor round, my husband wouldn't attend due to work commitments, despite me telling him it was important for him to meet with her..he didn't. My sons behaviour soon became my fault because I didn't discipline him enough, so I tried my hardest but nothing helped. I became paranoid my son was autistic and had the school meet with me to discuss this. They felt he was just immature being the youngest in class, nothing to worry about. I trudged on, begged my husband to stop drinking, to go to the doctor, he wouldn't take anti depressants or go to counselling. Then our daughter came along and that Christmas was the happiest...for two weeks he was my rock again. Before 3 months later we hit an earth shattering low, in desperation one evening I couldn't take it, I flipped and tried to 'shake him out of his despair' I told him to get out of bed and face his problems because we all needed him! He leapt out of bed, got in my face, screamed at me over our baby girl and then slammed the door into the crib. I grabbed the kids and ran He apologied, cried....I went back and believed that it was a one off and that he would finally get help. This happened a further two times....before I went to womens aid and left him. He didn't see his daughter for three months because he couldn't 'handle it', before I started missing him. We met and talked everything through, soon he was living with us again. Everything was great for 3 months, then the arguing and name calling began...I worked my way through each one thinking it would get better, that I deserved it. He ruined a day that was supposed to be a happy one, my friends wedding by causing a huge argument over a pair of trousers?! He told my daughter that I was unfair, and that we always do what I want...and then he told me this before calling her in to see me and then make me feel awful for questioning her... After that things became blissful, I relaxed and we were like old times. A new beginning I thought...till last night when he was wound up and started an argument over my decision to do my revision for an exam downstairs instead of upstairs with him. He said it made him suspicious, he brought up old arguments and made threats to message my ex, because apparently I wanted him back? He threw a glass candle when I told him it would be over if he messaged him....he cut his hand and there was glass and blood everywhere.... After asking him to go my daughter opened her bedroom door, (she's 8) and said tearfully, 'mummy I'm so sorry I heard everything' In that moment my heart felt like it burst....I had failed trying to handle this situation, like others before it...I cuddled my daughter and sobbed with her. I have since told him enough is enough, my babies have been through enough... He is at his parents, they aren't pleased, because he blames his dad and his abuse towards his mother for the way he is. I love him so much, I am scared that he will try and move back in tomorrow, I feel weak and as though I will cave in to his pleas and promises. I can't put my children through anymore can I? Does that justify him not living here? I feel as though I am living in a horror movie......
  11. It's interesting how since I read all that stuff in Lundys Book "Angry and Controlling Men" I see everything now in a different light. I'm paying more attention to what is being said and how it's being said and why it's being said and not reacting in the same way if I react at all.
  12. I'm a lady in my early(ish) 30s who has a longstanding history of inappropriate/ unstable relationships with men; and a couple with women. Generally they have either cheated, one was violent towards me for two years, use drugs/alcohol as a crutch or have grown apart from me, one left me when I was ill in my early 20s. The longest gap between relationships has been 2 years. I also have a childhood history of abuse which I have only quite recently admitted to myself happened- as a result I have suffered anorexia as a teen and depression/ anxiety symptoms since. So I met a guy this year and we began dating- all seemed well as we were getting to know each other. One day he 'caught' me messaging one of my female friends whilst he was out of the room- the friend was asking me how it was going which I obv didnt want to do in front of him. He went bright red and appeared pretty annoyed about this. It was then a couple of weeks later he asked about my ex who Id officially split with four months earlier but had actually left almost a year before and we were literally just friends living together anyway as he preferred men. I stupidly said Id split with the ex almost a year ago however from social networking sites he worked out we had gone on various nights out/ weekends away (with friends) together so I had lied. Anyway- this caused carnage and he went through everything with a fine toothcomb- my laptop, phone, all my networking accounts- made me delete all the friends me and my ex shared, accused me of having an affair with some guys online etc. waited out my house when I finished work, made me have location on my messaging app, accused me of having a gang bang with my landlord and a load of workmen etc etc- the anxiety then led to me lying about more stupid things- like whether Id had breakfast etc. So we got through that and everything eased a bit. I closed down my accounts one by one- now I don't use any social networking. He still expected me to answer messages etc on my days off, location on my phone, waited in a lay by to check I was going to see a relative. My friends didn't like the impact he was having on me and one was getting married abroad which he had bought a plane ticket for so her fiance uninvited my partner which caused even more problems. I was still telling silly lies- in particular about going to see my friends who of course he now hated more than ever, whether Id arranged to see a female friend (I no longer have any male friends). Weve been on two holidays- the first he got angry because I didn't want to have sex and threatened to leave me there, the second we were taking the mick out of each other on the beach, he got upset by one of my comments then accused me of staring at two men and getting up to no good because I spent too long going to use the toilet. - he then wonders why my self esteem is in ruins and all I want to do is curl into a ball and sleep for a day or two afterwards. I then get anxious about stupid stuff- like having my phone with me and not messaging him that leads to me lying. Weve broke and got back together a number of times- each I've basically done a runner and then he pursues me things arent that bad and we can help each other. We are now both in therapy- the wedding abroad happened about a month ago- beforehand he wanted to check I wasn't taking any sexy underwear Id recently treated myself to. When I got back it was questions ++ Id bought him a keyring and he accused me of rubbing it in he didn't go, hes still looking through my phone about one a fortnight however it was every day so that's better. I work shifts so don't get many weekends off but if I do he demands they are saved for me and him exclusivity and gets annoyed when I plan anything with friends family, even if he comes with me- because that's OUR time. He accuses me of not giving him enough emotion and that i don't put enough into the relationship. Apart from giving up my job and everything else but still having money I dont know what else to do! he constantly bugs me to arrange activity for when were not at work regardless of how tied I may be- but then wants us to go travelling too- I cant afford both! My therapist recommended I leave him (as my friends and mum have also advised) because I turned up in a tearful and confused state. hes now trying to get me to go back- saying its my anxiety and shiftwork thats the problem, that im running away again, that I give up too easily and we havent tried, that we should move in together as its only a 6 month contract and could even have seperate rooms (hes at his mums im staying with friends) Im so confused!!!!! I feel like tearing my hair out! He was waiting outside my work the other day and I ended up talking/ arguing with him in a local cafe for 2 hours (after a 12 hour nightshift) and now he keeps sending me photos of us on holiday etc. My heart is in pieces, I love and miss the man but I also feel unable to cope with his problems as well as my own I am exhausted and scared that I am such a bad person. I feel desperate and I don't know what to do.
  13. I am new to this so I am not quite sure how this works. I'm needing someone to talk to because I am having a rough time with a break-up from a few months ago. I ended a three year relationship with a guy that I had been best friends with for nearly ten years. We have been broken up for a few months now, but I am still having trouble getting over this relationship. I was emotionally abused for most of the relationship and spent most of the time walking on eggshells. I just recently came to the conclusion that the man I thought loved me only loved himself. I spent the entire relationship trying to keep him happy, but nothing ever worked. The guy that I thought loved me would punish me by ignoring me if I said something he didn't agree with. He kept me from my friends and activities that I loved doing. He would call me names and get mad and ignore me if I didn't want to have sex. I spent my time feeling alone and stuck in this awful relationship. Maybe it was because I was so close with his family and the dog we had together. I am now dating that most amazing man, but I am slowly pushing him away because I think that I deserve less. The guy that I am dating now respects me and cares so much about me, but why can I not get over this past abusive relationship? He knows my feelings about my past relationship and he has been very supportive with my healing. I know that I don't want my ex back, but how can the thought of him out of my head? He shows up in my dreams and I just want the thought of him to go away. Someone please give me your thoughts! Thanks in advance, M
  14. Hello all, I am new to the forum world and my recent post that was responded to provided much needed help and guidance and comforted me with much needed hope, compassion and understanding. Thank you. I am struggling to get the strength to leave my emotionally and verbally abusive husband of 13 years. I am strategizing a way out rather than staying in the seemingly safe place of denial and minimizing. While I am still living with him, I am starting to document the abuse on a calendar along with the comments that my children share about not wanting to be left alone with him, etc. I would love any pearls of wisdom from those who have walked this path before me. Any advice on what else I should document? Any guidance for better enabling my 9 and 10 year old children about how to deal with the abuse? Now that I am starting to recognize the abuse as the controlling and manipulative acts that it is, I am starting to non-confrontationally (just trying to keep my children and myself safe) address this with the abuser as I feel that this is a necessary step to show my children. Any insight/suggestions on how to help my children adjust to the possibility of not having me around 24/7 to buffer the situations with their Dad? Thank you in advance.
  15. I have been with my wife for a year and a half we recently got married in May the verbal abuse is unbearable she insults me every single time we argue called me a dumb c*** dumb idiot stupid idiot imbecile and tells me that I'm not smart. This is almost daily. Last night we had a huge argument in which she proceeded to tell me that her ex gf whom she has slept with 3 times that we have broken up has great p%¡Ssy . I'm so beyond hurt by this as I have always had a hard time trusting her since she runs beck to her every time we break up. We are both woman by the way. She refuses to leavee because the lease is in her name too. I was given the opportunity to go to a domestic violence shelter tonight for six weeks and save up money to get another place. Idk what to do because I love her but she had no self control when she is mad and cuts with her words. Last night what she said I feel like it killed me inside. Please help me I can't even think straight.
  16. I am a straight married man. I finally accepted that I've been suffering emotional abuse from my wife of 14 years. I am scared, angry, confused and feel extremely alone. I know what most people think. I'm a big strong guy, my wife is 120 pounds, how could she abuse me? I know the VAST majority of abusers are men. I have been a firefighter/medic, teacher and worked in a residential children's shelter. I have seen plenty of abuse. Please don't convict me because of my gender. I have never raised a hand in anger to a woman, a child or an animal. I need help and I am all alone right now.
  17. Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum. I've been married for almost 20 years to an emotionally abusive husband. Recently, I was in a play at our community theater and there was a character in it who was an abusive husband. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I thought, "This is my life being played out on this stage right before my eyes!" How could I have not seen this in my own marriage for so long? My husband is on a waiting list for a kidney transplant so he has a lot of health issues, but he's always been abusive. In other words, the illness didn't bring on his abusiveness. Our son is a freshman in high school and he's becoming more resentful of his dad's mistreatment of him and me. I've made excuses for my husband for years. "That's just the way he is." "Maybe he's a little autistic." "Maybe I am too sensitive or I did overreact." When I confront him about hurtful things he's said, he'll say things like, "You'll get over it." or "It was just a joke." His sarcasm is very biting and his "jokes" are "put downs." He makes fun of things I like and won't support things that I do even though I support him and go to things that he wants to go to. I never hear compliments about my cooking or how I look. I try to compliment him often. He rarely touches me, unless he wants sex. He hardly ever says, "I love you" unless I say it first and then it's in a monotone voice like he doesn't really mean it. This is just a sampling of his abusive behavior. Being a Christian woman, I have so much guilt and self-condemnation about the resentment and anger I'm feeling towards my him. All my life I've been taught to love and forgive and not keep records of wrongs. Treat others the way you want to be treated. God hates divorce. And like most weddings our marriage vows included, "In sickness and health" and "Til death do us part." Well, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of giving. I'm tired of being a target for his hateful words and for his silent treatments. I'm weary and ready for relief. But right now he's been acting pretty nice (for him) which makes me crazy, because why can't he be nice all the time? He's sick. How bad of a jerk would I be if I left him now? I have tried counselling, but he pitched a fit, because he said it was too expensive. He refuses to go see a therapist because he doesn't think he has a problem, even though he told me that he has been researching suicide. To say I'm frustrated and stressed would be an understatement. Any help, advice or support would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, anm
  18. I've written my story here (under my story, Now What) and I have questions. I probably know the answers inside me, but need support. We own a house together. Married 18 years. He outearns me by at least 6 times, yet I don't have access to joint finances. Our 16 year old son will be caught in the middle. I am scared of him (husband) even though he hasn't touched me in over a year. I am afraid he'll snap when I leave. It scares me to leave my son, but I can't force him to move with me. He says he'll live 50/50. Husband is manipulative. But I have to leave for my own sanity. Have tried asking husband to join me in some sort of counselling/mediation to sort out our living arrangements. We live like roommates (fine by me) but he's in denial about how I feel. I want out, but it comes back to fear. How do I make sure I don't lose my half of the house? It's the only thing I want. Not his pension, no alimony, hardly any material possessions. Just want my safety, my son's well-being, and to not lose my half oh house. I have worked hard these 18 years to contribute financially and to save money. I feel stuck. And would kindly appreciate advice. I am willing to stay until my son graduates, but I would need Husband to agree on ceratin living arrangements. is ths even possible? Thanks