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About percolate

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/17/1954

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Atlanta, Geogia
  • Interests
    reading, sewing, classical music, playing in a community orchestra

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522 profile views
  1. I'm glad you're blocking him and don't plan on writing a breakup note. He doesn't deserve anything and the less contact you have with him the faster you'll heal from his abuse. I'm glad you have your parents assistance and support and that he wasn't able to isolate you from your support system.
  2. He doesn't care and he wouldn't be the first abuser to hope that financial hardship will drive you back to him. Can you get a roommate or find some other way to replace that money in your budget.
  3. Keep up the good work! And don't feel guilty about blocking him. You deserve peace of mind and time to recover form his abuse.
  4. It's certainly concerning. He's essentially telling you that you don't know how to care for your own dog and he does.
  5. Good for you! It will get easier. As someone recommended, do nice things for yourself and begin enjoying things that you weren't able to do around him.
  6. Quaddie gives good advice. One of the first things that most abusers do is remove your access to money. It's very unlikely that he'd deposit your money in a bank account that you have access to. It's just one more way of controlling you. Definately talk to the shelter (they often have lawyers) and a lawyer. Depression alone does not make you unable to manage your own money, nor does being on disability make you unable to manage your own money.
  7. Blueskye, Thanks for sharing that! It is so true-people do see through the toxic person. I was quite startled to find that after I separated from each of my xhs (both-I was a slow learner), people remarked how much happier I seemed, that my xh said and did some awful things (gave me examples) and they were glad I'd decided to divorce him. I really found out that I had more friends and support than I had ever dreamed, and that lots of people really valued my friendship.
  8. I was never hit and found that my local DV center was are well acquainted with emotional abuse and very helpful. In fact, most of the women in the group I attended for a little while had never been hit. They are also very well acquainted with financial abuse-it's a common tactic to keep women in line. And your h is financially abusive. Their services are free (or available on a sliding scale-if you have the means to pay-which you don't).
  9. I'm glad you're taking the beginning steps you need to make your leap to freedom. Keep looking for housing and start stashing important stuff gradually in a spot he doesn't have access to. People have used the excuse of cleaning out unused stuff and taking it to charity to remove stuff from the house e.g., take some stuff to Salvation Army and hide other stuff that you want to keep in a safe place outside the house. It's also not a bad idea to open a bank account online or a bank that he doesn't use in case he empties your joint bank account when you leave. I know it's early yet, but you may want to talk to a lawyer about your rights if you leave (many DV centers either have lawyers or can recommend one who is used to dealing with abusive soon-to-be ex spouses). You may never need the knowledge you gain from an initial consultation (some lawyers will do a free consult), but it's good to know what your rights are when you decide to move.
  10. Deja vu I'm sorry you need to start posting again, but I'm glad that you have reached out. It doesn't seem like he's being very supportive right now and certainly is making it more difficult for you to complete your schoolwork, have a relationship with his daughter (you should be able to post whatever you want on FB and are certainly mature enough to determine what's appropriate to post), etc. Nor is it appropriate to tell you that you need to fix yourself in 30 days or to threaten to end the relationship if you call the police. Continue posting whenever you like. You're not the first person to return to Our Place and you won't be the last. We'll be here for you and are happy to be a sounding board, shoulder to lean on or whatever you need. One further thought, since you're in school, can you get support and counseling through your university (student health services are accessible to all students and all universities have counseling services available through student health)? Please take advantage of those services-your tuition and fees are covering the cost of those services. The nice thing about using counseling services through student health, it shouldn't show up on your insurance (assuming that they are one of the few university student health centers that try to bill your insurance) and your h won't know your going (assuming he's someone who doesn't believe in counseling or is someone who doesn't want you to go to counseling).
  11. It sounds like you're being very smart to keep your children safe from your mother. And keeping your distance from her is protective. I'm sorry your in-laws thing you cruel-you're not. I suspect that wouldn't want their grandchildren abused like you were. Keep posting here...there are some very wise people here who understand what it's like to grow up in an abusive family. They also understand the need to cut ties with family members who continue to abuse.
  12. There may be a counselor at your local domestic violence center. They can also try to help you get a doctor's note so that you can handle your own money. They may also have a lawyer who could help you. You do not have to be hit to use the services of the domestic violence center-they are very familiar with emotional abuse.
  13. You took a huge step forward! Being well enough to manage your money does not mean you're well enough to work. Definitely get the letter from your physician.
  14. No they are not all like this! Nice guys who respect their wives go out of their way to help them when they're ill, are considerate, kind etc. I've been married to three abusers and indeed they thought I was faking it when I was ill, expected me to recover quickly from surgery or childbirth etc. I now live with a healthy partner and there is a world of difference. He's a decent man both in public and in private. What's been the biggest change for me (compared to my x-hs) is that he willingly helps me with household chores without being asked e.g., I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that we needed to get the leaves off the portion of the roof that is flat and one afternoon when I came home from work, I discovered that he was up on the roof taking care of the leaves. One day shortly after he moved in, he told me that one of my cats had had an accident and wondered if she was upset. I asked him where she'd had the accident so I could clean it up-he told me not to worry, he'd taken care of it. When I told him that I didn't expect him to clean up after my cats, he told me that "we're partners, and if this is going to work, we have to help each other out." Needless to say, my xh would not have cleaned up the mess and would have hassled me about my cat's behavior. We get on each others' nerves on occasion, but we can talk about what irritated us and there's no sense that the other person is deliberately trying to irritate us, no blaming the other, or expecting the other to read minds. There's no anger, long list of past errors, etc. And we're beginning to learn what each others' quirks are e.g., I really don't like seeing clean laundry stored in a clothes basket on a chair in the bedroom for several days, and he doesn't like me hitting the snooze alarm several times in the morning (and waking him up each time the alarm goes off). He's making efforts to put his clothing away after he does the laundry and I'm trying not to hit the snooze button in the morning and waking him up.
  15. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you needed to find us. There are some very wise people that post here and understand exactly what you're dealing with. He does sound abusive-any one that that tells you that your apology is not sincere, that gets mad at you for things you share in normal conversation, that feels you are abandoning him if you end the relationship, tells you are abusive and not considerate of his feelings, etc. There are many red flags here. Keep going to counseling and keep up your determination to regain your sense of self and self confidence. It will take hard work, but in some ways you're very fortunate that you have a long-distance relationship. It's much easier to break up and recover when you're not running into a former partner as you go about your daily life.