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About percolate

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/17/1954

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Atlanta, Geogia
  • Interests
    reading, sewing, classical music, playing in a community orchestra

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  1. Hopefully, you won't have any further interactions with him. And can go to your meetings without running into him. However, his parting statement told you all you needed to know. And I'm glad you agreed with him.
  2. If you want to go to the funeral and support your daughter in attending, go but avoid x and his family. It doesn't matter if they think you are cold, you have to protect your daughter and yourself from their craziness. I think putting off a discussion of property division for a few weeks is quite kind and all you need to do. There's no way you need to provide any other emotional support for your x. Old habits die hard (e.g., being supportive to him and his family), but you definitely don't want him to think that his hoovering is effective.
  3. If the spark isn't there after 4 months, it's unlikely to be there. Especially if you can't imagine wanting to kiss him. I dated a couple of guys for 4-6 months and while they were great people and great to have as friends, I just couldn't get interested in them romantically. One has left the area and the other guy, even though it's been over a year since we went out, I know I could call him up and ask a favor, just as he could me. We don't have any contact, but he felt comfortable when his sister had a medical problem that fell in my area of specialization, to ask me if she could call me for advice. I have never met his sister, but was happy to help out. Friends are good things to have, although it sounds like he may not be content to remain just friends for too much longer. After moving to Atlanta 7 years ago, I probably dated 60 different guys, most of them only once. They were all decent, educated, and nice guys but either I felt no spark, or they felt no spark. Only a handful were interesting enough to date more than once and only one or two were worth kissing. I now live with someone I met in DC before I moved to Atlanta. There was an immediate spark on both of our parts and a deliberate attempt to lay a solid foundation of friendship before we became intimate. That friendship survived my move (work-related) and when he retired last fall and move to Atlanta, we resumed a romantic relationship. Both of us learned a lot by dating other people over a six-year period. I definitely learned it was worth waiting for someone who stimulated me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Give yourself time-decent guys are out there. If a nerdy professor in her early to mid-60s can find 50 or 60 different guys to date over 6 year period, I'm sure someone younger will have lots of choices and opportunities to find someone who really turns you on.
  4. I'm not sure there are any good questions to ask, but I definitely watched guys behavior when I was dating. If they got serious too quickly, said they were in love quickly, or pushed for early sexual intimacy, those are all red flags. No one falls in love the first few dates and if they claim they are, they're wrong. I also paid attention to how they talked about their ex's-if they were critical and everything was all the fault of their x, she was crazy, or whatever, that's another red flag. A healthy guy will acknowledge that they played a role in their problems. I'm sure others will chime in with other ideas. A lot of guys are clueless, especially if they're in their 20s or early 30s.
  5. I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you needed to find our site. Hang around, we have some very wise members here who understand what you are going through. Do not question whether or not he's abused you. He has! Shoving someone or pushing them over is abuse. So is grabbing their phone and throwing it. Your boyfriend's behavior later in the evening is typical of an abuser e.g., being extremely nice to you after an episode of abuse. They know they have to make up for their bad behavior. Don't let him talk you out of going to your job interview. Abusers prefer to keep you financially dependent and having a job will give you more independence and the ability to leave if necessary. Now that he's crossed the line into physical abuse, you can expect it to happen again. Abuse only gets worse over time. Please make sure you're safe. You may want to call your local domestic violence agency-they often have many resources and can offer you additional emotional support.
  6. It will get easier to be kind to yourself and do what you want to do the more often you are kind to yourself and do what you want to do. I hope that makes sense! I think as women we're taught to put everyone else's needs and feelings first and forget that our needs and feelings are just as important as other peoples. It's not "selfish" to take good care of yourself. PS As a clinician and researcher who is board-certified in sleep disorders medicine, it's highly unlike he violated you when he was "asleep."
  7. I'm so glad that you went, had a fantastic time, and there were minimal hassles.
  8. I know I focused on my job and making my home an abuse-free zone for my kid and I (which after one memorable weekend when my parents went after him, resulted in their being banned from staying with us). I also went to counseling which helped a lot! I also remember that some of us picked up old hobbies or discovered new ones. I started playing flute again and others turned to photography. It gets much easier as time goes by. Although I still need to develop more friendships outside of work, I'm happy and content.
  9. Reblock him. Contact with him is not worth any amount of money. It is not a simple gift to help you out-it comes with many strings.
  10. I'm glad to hear that you're going and that at least so far, he isn't giving you a hard time. However, do not be surprised if he tries to sabotage the trip at a later date or gives you a hard time when you get home. I hope I'm wrong, but many abusers pretend to go along with something and then cause problems later.
  11. Talk to a lawyer before you change the locks. If you're married and he's a joint owner of the house, in many places you can't lock him out. Many abusers refuse to leave the marital home and the only way the non-abuser gets any peace is to leave. It doesn't matter to them if it would be better for the children for them to stay in the same place, the only thing they're concerned about is there own comfort. Yes, moving can be difficult, but there are advantages for you and the children to start over in a place he's never been and doesn't have memories associated with your husband.
  12. You are absolutely not a failure-people deal with leaving at their own pace and make their move when the time is right. It sounds like you have plenty on your plate with school and medical issues. I'm sorry that he's going to throw a fit about a professional conference. It's important for you to go-both for your career and sanity. I'm glad you decided to go anyway, it sounds like a fabulous opportunity for many reasons. Healthy partners trust each other and don't get jealous when someone visits out-of-state family members or take a business-related trip. Or even a girls trip or a trip by yourself. I travel regularly for work and my partner is very comfortable with that. He sometimes decides it's the perfect time to go see his sisters who live out of state, and other times he stays home. If I said I wanted to go somewhere by myself for a few days, he'd be the first one to encourage me to take time off. He also knows that I don't resent him going away for several days to play golf with his long-time friends or just take off on a drive because he wants to get out of the house on a beautiful day. Where there is trust and respect, there is no need to control another person or get jealous. You want the best for them and if that means traveling alone to a conference or getting away for a few days, it's no big deal.
  13. Absolutely not! If you tell a normal man who respects you that you're tired, he understands and doesn't expect sex. Nor does he consider sex as his Valentine's present or repayment for a favor. My xh expected sex on demand and even when I told him that it meant I felt like I was being used and that it made me feel like a prostitute, he said it was impossible for me to feel that way because we were married. He seemed to think that being married entitled him to sex on demand. I'm currently living with a health man and he admits that he was disappointed one evening this week-he was in the mood for sex, but could see that I was very tired that evening and he decided to not to bother me because he knew there would be another time. Both of us recognize that our needs will differ on occasion and it's not a big deal. It's really nice to be treated with love and respect by your partner and not expected to be a vessel to satisfy his needs (sexual or otherwise).
  14. I doubt he's gone for good-they rarely are. And yes, you should proceed with the police. He's stalking you electronically and physically. You need to have an order of protection-this guy is no good and needs to stay away from you. Please make sure you've blocked any way he can contact you.
  15. I'm glad you're blocking him and don't plan on writing a breakup note. He doesn't deserve anything and the less contact you have with him the faster you'll heal from his abuse. I'm glad you have your parents assistance and support and that he wasn't able to isolate you from your support system.