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About percolate

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/17/1954

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  • Location
    Atlanta, Geogia
  • Interests
    reading, sewing, classical music, playing in a community orchestra

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  1. Good for you! I'm glad the social worker finally got it and that she has decided he can't get his guns back yet. I hate to say it but the concern about stuff, money, and things being convenient for them, is typical. Abusers don't care if the kids get displaced, have to make sacrifices, etc., as long as they get what they want. Definitely, talk to your lawyer about his retirement and other things you're entitled to. You can also request that he start paying child support since he's no longer living with you. Kids cost money, especially at the beginning of the school year.
  2. Morning glory is absolutely right-spell out everything. Including the fact that when the child gets older, who pays for driver's ed, that the kid's visitation schedule will be altered for school events, band trips, part-time job etc. The needs of a teen are very different than the needs of a young child and there should be periodic updating of the agreement (or specific clauses written into the agreement so that the child can go to summer camp, participate in school activities etc.). You may want to also include clauses that allow you to seek medical care and counseling for your child without his permission. There have been a number of posters who wanted to get their kid into counseling and their child's father refused permission for counseling. Kids do well when they live with a non-abusive parent and are only exposed to an abusive parent on a part-time basis. They also quickly figure out that their other parent is abusive.
  3. That's sufficient justification to leave! You deserve happiness and don't deserve to live with someone who thinks you're difficult to live with, lazy, and expects access to your body just because you're married.
  4. I'm glad you're in the last week of the semester and the break will do you good. Clinicals are often a bit easier than the coursework. But there may be scheduling issues if you have to take time to deal with kid issues at school, therapists etc. If you anticipate problems it might be good to warn your preceptor at the beginning of the semester. Then if you ever need time off or to reschedule things it won't be an issue, and if you do, she or he knows in advance. I think most professors will be understanding-masters students are often very hard workers and they're not undergrads who have 1001 excuses about why they didn't do their homework, skipped class, etc.
  5. Hang in there...you're doing the right thing and coping with grad school in addition (I'm a nursing professor so I know how difficult grad classes can be). And you're taking great care of yourself and your kids. You don't have to make decions about your house right now. Hopefully your visit with the lawyer will clarify things. Including the fact that your h will be required to pay child support. Despite the rather late interview by the social worker, it sounds like you're getting great support from your job and the military. And they're helping control your husband's behavior. PS If you find yourself having difficulty concentrating and/or getting behind in your classes, talk to your professors. They'd rather know that something is going on early when they can help you keep up your grades, than have you fail something and then disclose that you're dealing with a stressful family situation. You don't have to tell them any more than that. Having taught at the graduate level for the past 20 years, faculty are used to all sorts of family issues affecting student performance.
  6. Keep up the good work! As you can tell, it really defeats all of their efforts to control you.
  7. I'm glad things are moving along for you and you're firm in your decision to leave. Make sure that no one else will be around when you return to the house-your h is likely to be angry about the no contact order and the mandated interview. Nothing wrong with having a social worker doing the investigation since they often receive more education in abuse than a psychologist. I doubt your therapist will tell you to go back. And even if he/she did tell you that, you don't have to take their recommendation. You've now tasted what life is like without constant anger for four days. Can you imagine how good you and your children will feel after living with the absence of anger for four months? For four years? And perhaps even 40 years? Life will only get better! There will be ups and downs but I certainly don't regret leaving my abusive exh! And know quite a few women who have thrived in an abuse-free environment. You're luckier than many women-you have a profession that in-demand almost everywhere (I'm also a nurse) which gives you have the ability to support yourself and your children.
  8. Tell your doctor that you're depressed (and it sounds like you are depressed) and would like a referral to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. If he or she suggests medication to treat your depression, tell your provider you realize that some of your depression stems from your family of origin and you'd like to talk through some of those issues. I'm not saying medication can't be helpful (it can be extremely helpful), but some docs will just prescribe anti-depressants and not refer for counseling. You do not have to tell him about your mother! Your local domestic violence center can also provide counseling or refer you to someone for counseling. They understand abuse of all kinds and that the abuser can be a parent, sibling, child as well as a spouse/partner.
  9. You are an adult and do not have to answer your mother's phone calls or let her into your house! I know boundaries are hard to enforce when you have a parent who lacks them. But it is your house and she has no business forbidding you from leaving your house. Counseling is an excellent idea. Your local domestic violence center will have counseling available in the evening and at a reasonable price (most offer sliding scales). You don't have to be physically abused to use their services. It's worth know that preventing you from leaving your house is physical abuse.
  10. (((Tendrils))) I'm glad you reached out for support here. And that you have real in person support from your family. I have no doubt that you'll experience a variety of feelings over the next few weeks, especially since it brings back memories of your father's suicide. There is no way that you contributed to this! If he had not killed himself, drinking 21 bottles of wine per week would have eventually killed him.
  11. Absolutely take the time to work on yourself. You've identified a pattern and it will take work to break the habit/pattern. Counseling will help you identify why you have a pattern of picking unhealthy partners, teach you the red flags to look out for, and give you confidence that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. The people that seem to succeed in developing healthy relationships (and don't repeat their pattern of attracting abusers), usually wait until they've recovered from their divorce and done a lot of work on themselves. Give yourself several years before you jump back in the dating pool. It takes time to heal.
  12. Having platonic friends who share your interests can really add to your quality of life. However, don't discount the possibility of finding someone to love in the future. There are at least two or three admins (including me) who are in their early to mid-60s who have developed healthy relationships and live with their partners. When you're ready, don't rule out dating-after I moved to my current city 6 years ago, I dated approximately 50-60 different men. I had a lot of fun, learned a great deal and really honed in on what I wanted in a relationship. Almost a year ago, my significant other and I decided to live together (he's 73) and it's been great. And totally different from my abusive marriage!
  13. You are doing great and I'm very glad that things are being taken seriously. I'm also glad that your boss and others are supportive and giving you the time you need. As others have said, make sure you take time for self-care, your kids are depending on you to stay healthy and calm.
  14. Post your messages to him here. Do not give him anything that he could use against you.
  15. It sounds like you've covered most of the bases. I second the idea of talking to a lawyer-you need to know what your rights are. If you're in the US and you've got kids under 18 years of age, he will be ordered to pay child support (whether he pays it or not, may be a different story). Once your husband knows you're serious about divorcing him, do not listen to his threats of cutting you off without a penny. He's going to have to split your joint assets with you. Although he's never been physical, the time when you move out is one of the riskiest periods. You're smart to gradually move important things out of the house. And to leave on a day when he's at work. Several posters here have done the same thing and left a note on the table or something telling their husband that they've left (so that he doesn't report you as a missing person). It might require a certain amount of acting on your part to make him think that thinks are back to normal but it's well worth it to avoid tipping him off about your move. Once you move, you need to go no contact as much as possible (I know it's impossible when you have minor children). If he wants to talk about property division, visitation or child support, he can talk to your lawyer. And you don't have to listen to him tell you everything you've done wrong or his flattering you to woo you back. Yes, you may feel rather lonely at times, but many people who have left soon find that they're much happier alone than living with an abusive partner.