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About percolate

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/17/1954

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Atlanta, Geogia
  • Interests
    reading, sewing, classical music, playing in a community orchestra

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  1. I'm glad to hear that you're going and that at least so far, he isn't giving you a hard time. However, do not be surprised if he tries to sabotage the trip at a later date or gives you a hard time when you get home. I hope I'm wrong, but many abusers pretend to go along with something and then cause problems later.
  2. Talk to a lawyer before you change the locks. If you're married and he's a joint owner of the house, in many places you can't lock him out. Many abusers refuse to leave the marital home and the only way the non-abuser gets any peace is to leave. It doesn't matter to them if it would be better for the children for them to stay in the same place, the only thing they're concerned about is there own comfort. Yes, moving can be difficult, but there are advantages for you and the children to start over in a place he's never been and doesn't have memories associated with your husband.
  3. You are absolutely not a failure-people deal with leaving at their own pace and make their move when the time is right. It sounds like you have plenty on your plate with school and medical issues. I'm sorry that he's going to throw a fit about a professional conference. It's important for you to go-both for your career and sanity. I'm glad you decided to go anyway, it sounds like a fabulous opportunity for many reasons. Healthy partners trust each other and don't get jealous when someone visits out-of-state family members or take a business-related trip. Or even a girls trip or a trip by yourself. I travel regularly for work and my partner is very comfortable with that. He sometimes decides it's the perfect time to go see his sisters who live out of state, and other times he stays home. If I said I wanted to go somewhere by myself for a few days, he'd be the first one to encourage me to take time off. He also knows that I don't resent him going away for several days to play golf with his long-time friends or just take off on a drive because he wants to get out of the house on a beautiful day. Where there is trust and respect, there is no need to control another person or get jealous. You want the best for them and if that means traveling alone to a conference or getting away for a few days, it's no big deal.
  4. Absolutely not! If you tell a normal man who respects you that you're tired, he understands and doesn't expect sex. Nor does he consider sex as his Valentine's present or repayment for a favor. My xh expected sex on demand and even when I told him that it meant I felt like I was being used and that it made me feel like a prostitute, he said it was impossible for me to feel that way because we were married. He seemed to think that being married entitled him to sex on demand. I'm currently living with a health man and he admits that he was disappointed one evening this week-he was in the mood for sex, but could see that I was very tired that evening and he decided to not to bother me because he knew there would be another time. Both of us recognize that our needs will differ on occasion and it's not a big deal. It's really nice to be treated with love and respect by your partner and not expected to be a vessel to satisfy his needs (sexual or otherwise).
  5. I doubt he's gone for good-they rarely are. And yes, you should proceed with the police. He's stalking you electronically and physically. You need to have an order of protection-this guy is no good and needs to stay away from you. Please make sure you've blocked any way he can contact you.
  6. I'm glad you're blocking him and don't plan on writing a breakup note. He doesn't deserve anything and the less contact you have with him the faster you'll heal from his abuse. I'm glad you have your parents assistance and support and that he wasn't able to isolate you from your support system.
  7. He doesn't care and he wouldn't be the first abuser to hope that financial hardship will drive you back to him. Can you get a roommate or find some other way to replace that money in your budget.
  8. Keep up the good work! And don't feel guilty about blocking him. You deserve peace of mind and time to recover form his abuse.
  9. It's certainly concerning. He's essentially telling you that you don't know how to care for your own dog and he does.
  10. Good for you! It will get easier. As someone recommended, do nice things for yourself and begin enjoying things that you weren't able to do around him.
  11. Quaddie gives good advice. One of the first things that most abusers do is remove your access to money. It's very unlikely that he'd deposit your money in a bank account that you have access to. It's just one more way of controlling you. Definately talk to the shelter (they often have lawyers) and a lawyer. Depression alone does not make you unable to manage your own money, nor does being on disability make you unable to manage your own money.
  12. Blueskye, Thanks for sharing that! It is so true-people do see through the toxic person. I was quite startled to find that after I separated from each of my xhs (both-I was a slow learner), people remarked how much happier I seemed, that my xh said and did some awful things (gave me examples) and they were glad I'd decided to divorce him. I really found out that I had more friends and support than I had ever dreamed, and that lots of people really valued my friendship.
  13. I was never hit and found that my local DV center was are well acquainted with emotional abuse and very helpful. In fact, most of the women in the group I attended for a little while had never been hit. They are also very well acquainted with financial abuse-it's a common tactic to keep women in line. And your h is financially abusive. Their services are free (or available on a sliding scale-if you have the means to pay-which you don't).
  14. I'm glad you're taking the beginning steps you need to make your leap to freedom. Keep looking for housing and start stashing important stuff gradually in a spot he doesn't have access to. People have used the excuse of cleaning out unused stuff and taking it to charity to remove stuff from the house e.g., take some stuff to Salvation Army and hide other stuff that you want to keep in a safe place outside the house. It's also not a bad idea to open a bank account online or a bank that he doesn't use in case he empties your joint bank account when you leave. I know it's early yet, but you may want to talk to a lawyer about your rights if you leave (many DV centers either have lawyers or can recommend one who is used to dealing with abusive soon-to-be ex spouses). You may never need the knowledge you gain from an initial consultation (some lawyers will do a free consult), but it's good to know what your rights are when you decide to move.
  15. Deja vu I'm sorry you need to start posting again, but I'm glad that you have reached out. It doesn't seem like he's being very supportive right now and certainly is making it more difficult for you to complete your schoolwork, have a relationship with his daughter (you should be able to post whatever you want on FB and are certainly mature enough to determine what's appropriate to post), etc. Nor is it appropriate to tell you that you need to fix yourself in 30 days or to threaten to end the relationship if you call the police. Continue posting whenever you like. You're not the first person to return to Our Place and you won't be the last. We'll be here for you and are happy to be a sounding board, shoulder to lean on or whatever you need. One further thought, since you're in school, can you get support and counseling through your university (student health services are accessible to all students and all universities have counseling services available through student health)? Please take advantage of those services-your tuition and fees are covering the cost of those services. The nice thing about using counseling services through student health, it shouldn't show up on your insurance (assuming that they are one of the few university student health centers that try to bill your insurance) and your h won't know your going (assuming he's someone who doesn't believe in counseling or is someone who doesn't want you to go to counseling).