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    • Curly

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Everything posted by Curly

  1. Just a short note is all you need. No point trying to tell him anything or explain anything. My note just said " Enough is enough I have gone."
  2. Hi Chelsi, I am sorry you are going through a hard time alone. You are more than welcome to seek advice and emotional support here on Our Place but this is not the place for you to make appeals for money. Most of the people here are in similar situations so we do not allow requests for financial assistance. I am deleting that part of your post. I wish you well and hope that you and your daughter are able to leave safely. I think it would be a good idea to get in touch with your local domestic violence services to see if they can offer you any help or advice.
  3. It may take a while to free yourself from the habits of a lifetime. It will take time for no contact to feel like the new normal, a better normal. It is normal to grieve for the relationship no matter how bad it was. There were hopes and dreams wrapped up in that relationship. Try to change your focus from him to you. How do you feel? What do you need? What would you like your future to look like. Pamper yourself. Maybe explore new interests or re-visit old ones. This is a time for gentle self care. If you are feeling the urge to talk to him or break the no contact talk to a friend or relative instead or give yourself a to do list to complete before giving in to the urge. Most times the urge will fade if you have ways to delay acting on it.
  4. Sounds like he can't keep up the facade of nice for very long and not at all if things are not going his way. He is who he is. Would you be able to get a special payment from Centerlink? Might be worth asking under the circumstances. The bedding situation is ridiculous and is all about control. I think you have every reason to know you did the right thing for yourself and your kids. No one deserves to live that way. Leaving has shown your kids that abuse is not OK and that you do not have to accept it.
  5. Sounds like you are dealing with the cycle of abuse. Most abusive relationships follow this pattern. You can not change your wife. Her behaviour is not about anything you do or don't do. Her behaviour is about her own issues. The only way this is going to change is if she decides she needs to change and she is prepared to go through some serious and intense therapy. The only person you can change is you. Fighting back or reacting to the abuse will not make things any better. The best response is to distance yourself and not react to the abuse. Not so easy. Just know you do not deserve to be abused.
  6. Hugs to you chachacha and anyone who needs them.
  7. I was thinking to wait a bit for this but now I think is a good time to open for business as I know a lot of people have been hurt or are hurting right now. The hug bank is something that started between myself and Rocky when one day there was a need that came up during the other's sleep time. Pretty big difference in our time zones. From there it just seemed like something nice to have as part of our forum as a reminder that there are people who care. The reminder is here along with the hugs it contains all day every day. Add or withdraw as required. Free hugs (You Tube) Just know you all matter, each and every one of you. This is a wonderful and amazing community made up of some of the warmest and most compassionate people around. I feel myself extremely fortunate to be a part of it. Hugs with love Kathy
  8. I would also advise you to speak to your local domestic violence service to explore your options. What is available and laws can vary considerably depending on where you are.
  9. I do not recommend playing recordings back to him. He is not going to see what you want him to understand. He already know full well what he is doing and he does it because it works for him. If you do record him use it for your own purposes like for sharing with a therapist when you have one just for you. As with joint counselling I think playing the recording back to him will only make things worse. I believe a lot of people have recorded the abuse. Personally I do not consider the abuser going off as a fight. It is abuse. A fight implies two sides but abuse has only the abuser abusing and the victim of his abuse with nothing remotely fair or even logical about it. You do not deserve his abuse. The flowers were just an excuse for him. The abuse related to the planting of flowers in reality had nothing to do with you but was based in his own twisted view of reality and his need to feel better about himself by putting you down.
  10. That is great that you have taken a step forward. Sometimes one step taken leads to more. Well done.
  11. http://www.injuryclaimcoach.com/domestic-violence-help.html# Information about restraining orders and other legal options. The site also has some information about what constitutes abuse.
  12. Welcome to Our Place Reenie Like Bennu suggested I doubt your husband actually has multiple personalities. His 180 switches are designed to keep you on your toes, confused and under his control. Making a fuss each time you want to visit your father is intended to keep you from going. Abusers like to keep their partners isolated as that makes it easier for them to maintain control. If you have ready access to other people you can get support and validation and those are things that are threatening to a person intent on controlling their partner. Bennu mentions the book " Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It can help you understand what is going on. If you can get hold of a copy to read for your own sake do not show it to or mention it to your husband. With relation to your husbands insulting and hurtful jokes I think the best thing you can do is try to ignore him and not give him any reaction. Any reaction from you is a win in his mind. Unemotional and neutral responses deny him his win. Things like "if you say so" can work well. Also if you can remember each time he throws an insult your way that those insults are saying who he is and actually saying nothing about you. Do you have anyone in real life that you can reach out to? Having someone to talk to can certainly help. Can you contact your local domestic violence center? The one thing that is almost certain is that he is not going to change and will most likely get worse. One certainty is that you do not deserve his abuse.
  13. Hi J917 and welcome. Your husbands behaviour is controlling and yes that is abusive. Blueskye is correct in telling you that his hitting walls and breaking things is physical abuse. His putting his hands on you is an escalation in his behaviour. His saying he is sorry is normal but sadly it does not mean it won't happen again. In all likelihood it will.su i I am not sure if you know about the cycle of abuse. If not you can take a look at it on this link here. I would also suggest that if you can get hold of a copy of a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and read it. It will help you understand the dynamics of abuse and the motivations behind your husbands behavour. If you can get this book do not show it to him or share it with him. It may be tempting to think you can show him what he is doing in relation to the book but the most likely outcome will be that he will use it against you. Reality is that very few abusers ever change. Some will claim they are changing and may make some changes but they are neither genuine or lasting. You deserve better. No one ever deserves to be abused.
  14. Clurichaun it really doesn't matter if he fits any diagnosis or not. If his behaviour is abusive and is having a negative impact on you that is more than enough justification for you to leave. You deserve to be able to live your life free from abuse. Self care is not selfish. It is essential. Any guilt should lay with the person who has chosen to abuse you. It is definitely not your fault that he is the way he is and it is not your job to fix him. Only he can do that if he chooses to do so.
  15. Hoping if he has been violent with you in the past it is very likely that at some point he will again. Do you have any support? Do you have anywhere to go or are you in contact with any domestic violence groups? Please be careful.
  16. To post a picture you need a picture and an account with Photobucket, Flicka or similar. These are free. Easy to download and use. Photobucket here. Pictures can be from your computer or ones found on the internet. To use a picture found on the intenet you need to save the picture to your computer by right clicking on it. Once you have a picture on your computer then you need to upload it to Photobucket which you can do by clicking on "Choose Files" in Photobucket. This should open a window which allows you to browse your computer files to select the picture or pictures you wish to upload. Follow the steps and you pictures should be saved to the Photobucket account. Once your picture is there in Photobucket all you need do is copy the URL by clicking on the image you wish to use. It should automatically copy for you. This URL can then be posted directly into the text box where you want the picture to be. It is not necessary to use the insert image button. You can test to see what you have by using the post preview button. The picture Feel free to improve on the instructions or add your own. Feel free to try it out here.
  17. Not sure what the real motivation is with this. It is certainly a way of trying to keep some contact and as you said to try to support his story and to frighten you. People don't understand. I think the best response is none. He could also be potentially dangerous when he realises that this is not working for him. I am sending you a PM.
  18. Welcome Over and Out from another Aussie. Over the years there have been quite a few people through this site that have been in very long term relationships so you are certainly not the only one who spent years and years trying to make things work. Counseling is definitely a very bad idea. It does not work where one partner is abusing the other. It often actually makes things worse. The less contact you have the easier it gets to get on with your life and heal. His sorries are only for himself as he has known all along what he has been doing and that it hurt you. Being jealous of the children is par for the course. They can't stand anyone else being the center of attention for even a moment. If you can try to join a local support group or get counseling for yourself preferably with someone with a good understanding of abuse related issues. Please join in the discussions here. I certainly believe it helps with the healing process.
  19. Hi HeartbrokenDad That is a huge betrayal of trust. Just wondering if your daughter has support of has had any counseling to help her deal with what was done to her? There are some good groups out there for people who have been victims of sexual abuse. You are welcome here.
  20. Hi Kate and welcome. It is definitely OK to mention any resources that you have found helpful. The more options people have the better. Both those books are very helpful in understanding abuse and whey they do what they do. They are listed in our Library in the resources section. I am glad you are going to a group. They can be quite helpful with the healing process along with counseling if you can access it. Not sure what is available in WA. I am in Vic. It is also perfectly normal to have good days and bad days. It is also normal to experience a lot of different emotions and to mourn the relationship. More for what it should have been rather than for what it actually was. I do think it is important to allow yourself to feel what ever you are feeling. In time feelings pass. Crying if you need is part of the healing process. I know I cried buckets some days in the first months after I left a 28 year relationship. Now a distant memory for me. In time the pain fades and the memories lose their hold on you. No set time frame as we each heal in our own time and in our own way. There can be some fun things about reclaiming your life and discovering the real you again. It can be a bit of an adventure exploring your own personal likes and dislikes and finding out what brings you joy. I don't doubt that your hurt is far greater than his. Has he at any point had genuine concern for the pain and suffering he has put you through? You matter. Your needs are important. It his choices and actions that have got him to the situation he is currently in. I don't doubt you gave it everything you have got to make it work. Most of us who make it to a group like this have yet most also will wonder if only they had tried this or that it may have been different. Reality is that it never mattered what you did or did not do as the issue is and always was a problem within himself. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve your own love. No one deserves to be abused.
  21. Hi Redheadwhiskey, It is perfectly fine to introduce yourself here. This is the most active area. Firstly you are not imagining things at all. There is nothing wrong with your memory. He is abusive. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. The silent treatment is a particularly cruel form of emotional abuse. Not talking to your partner for weeks at a time is far from normal. Constant criticism is also not normal. His behaviour and the way he treats you and your daughter comes from within himself and has nothing to do with what you have or haven't done or how you have done anything. His behaviour is all about controlling you and getting his way. His convenient memory lapses are par for the course with an abusive partner. With an abuser nothing is ever his fault even if that means he has to rewrite history. His issue is not anger but a need to have power and control over you. Abuse tends to go in cycles. An abuser can rarely maintain the nice phase for very long. I think it is impossible to heal when there is no acknowledgement of what he has done and you are still with him effectively living a lie. I do think at some point the abuse will return although maybe in a different form. It really is still there as he is denying you your reality. I suggest that you try to get a hold of the book "Why Does He Do That" bu Lundy Bancroft. Do not give the book to your husband. Read it for yourself to help you better understand the relationship you are dealing with. Please join in the discussions here. Ask questions and even respond to others. It can all help you come to better understand where you are at and what you are dealing with.
  22. I think his talk also serves to set himself up as Mr Wonderful who couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. I think his speech is also a way of ensuring you will not be believed or receive the support of your community. Keeping you without a support base keeps you right where he wants under his control.
  23. This forum is for playing around with and trying out the different board features. We will be adding to the How to manual as we go along. All members are welcome to contribute helpful user guides. Experiment here rather than in the other forums.
  24. Hi Staceylee and welcome. Firstly I will move your post to the Main Forum as you are more likely to get responses there. From what you have written I gather you already understand there is no real future with this man and that he is not capable of being a real partner for you and probably not much in the way of a father to his child either. If you can access counseling I think that would be something to do for yourself. Not couples counseling as that is something that just does not work where abuse is part of the equation. Counseling can help you sort things out and help you to believe in yourself. You are right that you won't get any answers from him. Even if he wished to answer he most likely lacks the insight to be able to explain why he abuses you. For understanding I think that Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" explains things very well. The suicide threats really are emotional blackmail. I think the best thing you can do when he makes suicide threats is to not respond but to call emergency services on him. It takes the power of his threat away. By having emergency services check on him may be enough for him to decide that suicide threats are not a great idea. If you feel you are not safe please contact your local domestic violence services for help. Please remember the problem is not you. His behaviour has nothing to do with you but is about his own flaws and issues. You deserve to be treated with love and respect at all times. You do not deserve abuse.
  25. PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers Reconnecting After Domestic Violence: Establishing New Patterns in Intimate Relationships