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    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.

Curly

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About Curly

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    just me
  • Birthday 04/21/1952

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    Female
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    Melbourne Oz

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  1. Just a short note is all you need. No point trying to tell him anything or explain anything. My note just said " Enough is enough I have gone."
  2. Hi Chelsi, I am sorry you are going through a hard time alone. You are more than welcome to seek advice and emotional support here on Our Place but this is not the place for you to make appeals for money. Most of the people here are in similar situations so we do not allow requests for financial assistance. I am deleting that part of your post. I wish you well and hope that you and your daughter are able to leave safely. I think it would be a good idea to get in touch with your local domestic violence services to see if they can offer you any help or advice.
  3. It may take a while to free yourself from the habits of a lifetime. It will take time for no contact to feel like the new normal, a better normal. It is normal to grieve for the relationship no matter how bad it was. There were hopes and dreams wrapped up in that relationship. Try to change your focus from him to you. How do you feel? What do you need? What would you like your future to look like. Pamper yourself. Maybe explore new interests or re-visit old ones. This is a time for gentle self care. If you are feeling the urge to talk to him or break the no contact talk to a friend or relative instead or give yourself a to do list to complete before giving in to the urge. Most times the urge will fade if you have ways to delay acting on it.
  4. Sounds like he can't keep up the facade of nice for very long and not at all if things are not going his way. He is who he is. Would you be able to get a special payment from Centerlink? Might be worth asking under the circumstances. The bedding situation is ridiculous and is all about control. I think you have every reason to know you did the right thing for yourself and your kids. No one deserves to live that way. Leaving has shown your kids that abuse is not OK and that you do not have to accept it.
  5. Sounds like you are dealing with the cycle of abuse. Most abusive relationships follow this pattern. You can not change your wife. Her behaviour is not about anything you do or don't do. Her behaviour is about her own issues. The only way this is going to change is if she decides she needs to change and she is prepared to go through some serious and intense therapy. The only person you can change is you. Fighting back or reacting to the abuse will not make things any better. The best response is to distance yourself and not react to the abuse. Not so easy. Just know you do not deserve to be abused.
  6. Hugs to you chachacha and anyone who needs them.
  7. I would also advise you to speak to your local domestic violence service to explore your options. What is available and laws can vary considerably depending on where you are.
  8. I do not recommend playing recordings back to him. He is not going to see what you want him to understand. He already know full well what he is doing and he does it because it works for him. If you do record him use it for your own purposes like for sharing with a therapist when you have one just for you. As with joint counselling I think playing the recording back to him will only make things worse. I believe a lot of people have recorded the abuse. Personally I do not consider the abuser going off as a fight. It is abuse. A fight implies two sides but abuse has only the abuser abusing and the victim of his abuse with nothing remotely fair or even logical about it. You do not deserve his abuse. The flowers were just an excuse for him. The abuse related to the planting of flowers in reality had nothing to do with you but was based in his own twisted view of reality and his need to feel better about himself by putting you down.
  9. That is great that you have taken a step forward. Sometimes one step taken leads to more. Well done.
  10. http://www.injuryclaimcoach.com/domestic-violence-help.html# Information about restraining orders and other legal options. The site also has some information about what constitutes abuse.
  11. Welcome to Our Place Reenie Like Bennu suggested I doubt your husband actually has multiple personalities. His 180 switches are designed to keep you on your toes, confused and under his control. Making a fuss each time you want to visit your father is intended to keep you from going. Abusers like to keep their partners isolated as that makes it easier for them to maintain control. If you have ready access to other people you can get support and validation and those are things that are threatening to a person intent on controlling their partner. Bennu mentions the book " Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It can help you understand what is going on. If you can get hold of a copy to read for your own sake do not show it to or mention it to your husband. With relation to your husbands insulting and hurtful jokes I think the best thing you can do is try to ignore him and not give him any reaction. Any reaction from you is a win in his mind. Unemotional and neutral responses deny him his win. Things like "if you say so" can work well. Also if you can remember each time he throws an insult your way that those insults are saying who he is and actually saying nothing about you. Do you have anyone in real life that you can reach out to? Having someone to talk to can certainly help. Can you contact your local domestic violence center? The one thing that is almost certain is that he is not going to change and will most likely get worse. One certainty is that you do not deserve his abuse.
  12. Hi J917 and welcome. Your husbands behaviour is controlling and yes that is abusive. Blueskye is correct in telling you that his hitting walls and breaking things is physical abuse. His putting his hands on you is an escalation in his behaviour. His saying he is sorry is normal but sadly it does not mean it won't happen again. In all likelihood it will.su i I am not sure if you know about the cycle of abuse. If not you can take a look at it on this link here. I would also suggest that if you can get hold of a copy of a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and read it. It will help you understand the dynamics of abuse and the motivations behind your husbands behavour. If you can get this book do not show it to him or share it with him. It may be tempting to think you can show him what he is doing in relation to the book but the most likely outcome will be that he will use it against you. Reality is that very few abusers ever change. Some will claim they are changing and may make some changes but they are neither genuine or lasting. You deserve better. No one ever deserves to be abused.
  13. Clurichaun it really doesn't matter if he fits any diagnosis or not. If his behaviour is abusive and is having a negative impact on you that is more than enough justification for you to leave. You deserve to be able to live your life free from abuse. Self care is not selfish. It is essential. Any guilt should lay with the person who has chosen to abuse you. It is definitely not your fault that he is the way he is and it is not your job to fix him. Only he can do that if he chooses to do so.
  14. Hoping if he has been violent with you in the past it is very likely that at some point he will again. Do you have any support? Do you have anywhere to go or are you in contact with any domestic violence groups? Please be careful.
  15. Not sure what the real motivation is with this. It is certainly a way of trying to keep some contact and as you said to try to support his story and to frighten you. People don't understand. I think the best response is none. He could also be potentially dangerous when he realises that this is not working for him. I am sending you a PM.