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Quaddie

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Everything posted by Quaddie

  1. I was going to say exactly what WB said. It's his abusive mind-set, his entitlement. The table is his. Anything else - too bad. It's your fault for not rearranging the world to suit him. It's her fault for not rearranging her life to suit him. It's even more than about the fact she would get upset that he did that. It's total lack of consideration for others. That's what goes along with the entitlement of the abusive mind-set. He doesn't care about others. He has zero respect for others. HIS lack of consideration for her project was what caused it. However, he will turn that around and say it was your fault (and hers) and that the lack of consideration was yours... because he literally views himself as king of the castle. The table's his, the house is his, and you and her were the intrusion into what was rightfully his. He is selfish and abusive and inconsiderate and doesn't give a rat's butt about you or her. The brush intruded on his kingdom. The curtain and rod intruded on his kingdom. He is abusive and entitled and has a totalitarian, selfish worldview where nobody else matters but him. He honestly does not care if other people are hurt by his actions. He has no concept of "consideration for others." It doesn't matter to him what others feel.
  2. WB, to be honest, although what you're experiencing with the lightheadedness, dizziness, foggy brain unable to verbalize... although it could very well be psychological and due to confusion and overwhelm and abuse - and almost assuredly is exacerbated by it, no matter what... To tell you the truth, it sounds an awful lot like what I experience when my thyroid levels are too low. I think you've mentioned this before too, but I'm not sure what your status is on this. I'd really highly recommend you get this checked - and insist on all three tests (T3, T4, ultra-sensitive TSH - because for me, at least, sometimes one of these will indicate the low level when the other tests don't). And even if you've had it checked recently - within the past 6 months or year - get it re-checked. Things can change, labs can be wrong, or the right tests may not have been run. Did I ever tell the story of when I was certain I had low thyroid, due to symptoms and strong family history, and so I went straight to an endocrinologist. Who said my labwork was fine and I did not have hypothyroidism. So a year went by (with me suffering and upset that maybe "this was just the way life was now for me")... Then, in pre-surgery labwork from another doctor, they said, "Oh by the way, your thyroid level is low - you'll want to see your regular doctor to get that taken care of." And btw also, it was also very possible that I lost a job at least in part because of those symptoms. So this is why I'm so insistent. And it also gives you low energy, can make you gain weight (it slows your metabolism) and in general makes me feel foggy and confused and unable to even think about thinking about what's wrong. Other people's symptoms may vary, of course. But I really strongly highly strongly highly (strongly highly) recommend you get this checked and taken care of. And if you're already on meds for it, it may not be enough - and even if labs are at the low range of normal, most good doctors will know that if the low range isn't comfortable for you, then you should have it increased. AND ALSO, each of the different brands/forms of the medication will hit people differently. Sometimes some don't work that well even if technically the labwork is okay. A pharmacist will usually change you between brands without requiring the dr's permission. I bounced between all of them before hitting on the one that worked best for me. Then that one was discontinued and I'm on one that doesn't work quite so well, but is better than the others I tried. Seriously - don't be quick to assume this is psychological or "your fault" for "not being strong." This really sounds like some physical issues to me. Also have them check your iron levels, and your B vitamin levels - and D. D. D. D. If you are low on D, make sure you are taking enough of D3 (not the D2 they prescribe) - vitamin D as Cholecalciferol. I take "Doctor's Best Vitamin D3 2000 iu" - I take this 3 times a day - with breakfast, with coffee between breakfast and lunch, and with lunch. I'd kept adding one more and one more and one more as each made me feel better overall. I understand there can be issues with taking too much - my particular levels are smack-dab in the middle now (whereas I was clinically very low before I started this). Vitamin D impacts your energy and your muscles. Also if you are not taking a multivitamin (with iron), I'd strongly suggest it. The symptoms you experience sound physical to me and I'd really suggest getting them checked. I think we tend to "take on" things as being something we can mentally overcome and sometimes forget to check and take care of the body. What you describe - I've exactly felt this way. And usually there are physical steps to take to improve this. Also, how are you eating? Are you getting enough protein? That's a big deal, too. Anyway - check the body. Don't self-blame - self-care.
  3. Well here we're actually discussing two different types of medications: anti-anxiety, and antidepressants. Some dr's may prescribe antidepressants for anxiety/panic issues, and it may be a big help. My personal experience: Many many years ago, when I was still married, I was put on a few different antidepressants (because living as if you are nothing is depressing, and the sum total of a lifetime of abuse). We tried a few, nothing helped. As I recall, I did receive a benefit from Paxil - I think that was the one. It made the world feel and look different, clearer, colors more pure, it "felt" better. I was on that for a very brief time (it takes some time to "kick in" - I think I only felt the positive effects for a few days)... my doctor thought we could do better, so he took me off of that and tried a different ones. Nothing else worked for me. Like Melinoe also, he prescribed Prozac for me to try, but after one single dose it ate a hole in my stomach and I never touched it again. It was horrible. Actually not sure that it didn't originate issues I still suffer now after decades, because that was the first time. So the dr tried me back on Paxil (if that was the one) after trying a bunch of others... now, it no longer worked on me. In the interim years there have been a lot of "new" meds that are supposedly better. Now and then someone tries to get me to take them. I won't do it, afraid of the side-effects. Besides, for me, I'm primarily responding to situational issues. I don't want to alter my entire being because of sucky situations - and side-effects tend to hit me very hard, and my brain is something I don't really want to mess with chemically in that manner. And I've had other, supposedly benign medications mess with my head. So I'm protective of it. That's just me and my experience. Now, all that being said.... one thing I do love to have to get me through anxiety and panic is anti-anxiety meds. I like Xanax. It just makes me feel better, when I need it. It's not the type of thing you take every day, though, so it's more reactive than something that proactively helps prevent panic attacks. I had an absolutely awful terrorizing situation in which I felt hostage and was being traumatized daily, in a work situation a few years ago. I literally was basically having a nervous breakdown but on an ongoing basis... I disintegrated, but had to pretend normal and like I had my sh&t together even in the face of traumatizing events that I was being forced to go through and which were malevolently planned to harm me mentally, psychologically and professionally. This experience really "broke" me and I've never been the same since. At the same time, it was a part of myself and my life I don't care so much about anymore... except that I need that part (the "working for others" part) in order to survive, of course. So it really is hard to heal from this stuff. I'm still not, and maybe never will, because of the nature and scope of what was done, and because it keeps repeating so "maybe it's me and maybe I really am that horrible and worthless." The only way I got through it was with medication support. There is a chemical nature to panic attacks that, in my opinion, it's a vicious cycle that needs to be broken somehow in order to learn how to feel like you're back in control of yourself. If medication works for that, then that's a good thing. Another thing I use in a pinch... this may sound weird, but it actually does work.... is benadryl (diphenhydramine). Personally, because I react strongly to things, I buy children's chewable tablets (I get mine at Walgreen's). A true dose is, I think, 2 tablets - but I only ever take 1, and it works pretty quickly. Depending on the situation I might only take a half of one - so that's a quarter of a children's dose and doesn't knock me out. Also I've found that Bigelow Sweet Dreams tea (it has chamomile) can help, but it's a "milder" help. These are things I do when I need something. I have very few xanax left in my arsenal so I'm very protective of them and I have a hard time getting an Rx for them. Anyhoo. If it interferes with your life, it's time to explore your options and find medical support if it seems like it could help. It can be scary, but which is worse? You're the one who gets to make the choice. I think panic attacks for no apparent reason at Starbucks is a good reason. On the other hand - I'd also recommend that you don't exclude physical causes, and also I'd suggest getting a really thorough physical exam including labwork for all the body systems that could impact adrenaline and such, or any potential physical reason for these symptoms. Just to make sure, cuz you say it seems random and out of the blue and not really being triggered by anything. So I'd say start there, because you'd probably have to go to a physical dr anyway for any meds - when you describe the symptoms to them, make sure to express that you'd like to investigate for any possible physical reasons since these episodes don't seem to be psychologically triggered.
  4. What Mel said, 100%. Great post.
  5. Someone accused you of creating conflict? I'd think that might be a red flag... And it made me think, if someone talks "around" the topic like that, rather than addressing what you brought up, that could be manipulative obfuscation and blame-shifting... so that in and of itself could be a red flag. (Except of course when a person is trying to communicate with an abusive person, as I've even done that... "Now you're just trying to distract me"... "Now you're just bullying me..." etc... so it's probably tough to tell sometimes.) Maybe from the feeling.
  6. You SO did the right thing!!! Just because everything was good except that spark - you would never be happy with him. And then that wouldn't be fair to him, right? You'd always feel bad, like you were play-acting. You'd be putting your body into situations you didn't want. You'd have to kill pieces of yourself inside, to go through that. There will be others, they will all be different. Some you will like except for one thing, and others you will like except for another thing. You never have to settle for any of them. All people have the right to break up with others for any reason. Breakups are, by nature, going to hurt one or both of you - but that doesn't mean it's wrong to do. As with an abusive relationship, you can't just not-break-up with someone because of not wanting to hurt them. It's kind to not want to hurt someone, but it's inevitable that they will experience hurt. Removing yourself from their "dream" is going to hurt. That's normal and it's okay. And now, if you care about and respect him, then you should let him have his space and not pursue him. You already let him know you'd like to be friends - but he doesn't seem to be looking for that. And I think for some guys, that "feels" like an insult (even though we truly mean it!) - and it sounds like he was already having a future all planned out with you (yeah, that - to me - would scare me, lol, it's a bit much). For all you know, you actually may have dodged a bullet. He was proceeding too quickly for you, and it was making you uncomfortable. After dating for months - no matter how many - and he was already planning a future and talking about marriage - yeah, you may have dodged a bullet. So if I were you, I'd let him go. Not only to respect him and his space and his own pain and self-care........ but also, because personally for me, I feel bad about myself when I "pursue" anybody. If somebody wants to be with me, they will do it, and I wouldn't have to pursue or try to talk them into it. Trying to plead with someone to be with me in any capacity - friendship, romance, etc. - is, to me, self-degrading and I have promised myself I would never, ever put myself in that situation again. It makes me, personally feel horrible and less-than about myself. I would rather hold my head high and walk away. The people who want you in your life, will not require pursuing or pleading or trying to talk them into anything. And those are the "healthy" relationships to have in your life. So this was a really good "practice run," and you absolutely did the right thing by breaking it off. In a lot of different ways. You deserve someone who gives you a spark. You deserve someone you want to share yourself with physically and be intimate with. You would have died inside, had you stayed with him. And his too-hurried I love yous and future-planning, to me, is a red-flag - not necessarily of abuse, but to me it's pretty likely. Controllers and abusers can be nerdy, quiet, seemingly easygoing types, too. Trust me..... Ohhhh trust me on that one. Not disagreeing about anything has zero indication of being in a healthy relationship. This relationship was not healthy, even if he did not seem toxic at all. Because you weren't wholly happy within it. And that counts! That's everything! It matters! It's important. And this? That's just what normal guys do. It's not anything that special. This is the abuse conditioning talking, making it feel like it was something special. It's not special at all. It's just normal. So you will find others who don't mind if you don't text goodnight (holy cow, ANY guy you date shouldn't mind! If they do - DROP THEM IMMEDIATELY). You will find others who are okay with you going out with your friends (again - ANY guy should be okay with that - and if they're not, DROP THEM). So in essence, be careful of glorifying that which is actual normal because it feels so different from abuse. It's not glorious, it's just normal and what you should expect from anyone. Being grateful that someone has a non-abusive reaction to normal stuff... is very dangerous for you, it's a road for you to end up in another relationship you're not really happy in - just because it's different. But non-abuse is not glorious, and you do not need to over-value or be overly thankful for it, or to worry that it's the only time someone will react non-abusively to you. So yes, absolutely you did the right thing! 100% absolutely, incontrovertibly. Unquestionably. 100%. Good for you!!!
  7. Very good - brought tears. This is all so true. Made me think back to when I was married. When I was first married, and the very first signs showed. I wish I'd read this. I wish I'd known that I was a person and that that marriage was not "just how it was" and that I deserved to be treated as a person. This is not how it's supposed to be. <-- was one of the motivating thoughts that got me out (there were probably 3-5 total, lol). Most of my marriage was before there was the Internet. And actually, the Internet and chat were instrumental in making me feel like I was a worthwhile person - a person at all - who didn't just have to keep going along with "this life" as it was. It's hard to explain but I bet a lot of you can understand. To leave, I had to believe I was a person and not just a sort of amorphous blob who had to go along with things. I know now this was probably "boundaries" stuff I'd never learned, and the product of multidimensional abuses and control growing up, and some sort of developmental lack. Now later in life I'm criticized for my knowledge of boundaries - as if others for some reason feel they have a right to invade or override them. I am criticized for maintaining they do not have the right. No matter their criticism - they are wrong. Y'all - you are a person, in and of yourself, unique and individual and separate from all others, and from everything that happens. And you get to choose what you do with your life. Not just the people on tv or in movies who go on adventures or get to change their life. It's not just the people in stories on the internet. You are one of those people, too.
  8. If he files with the court for custody you would be notified somehow, but if his attorney does not have your address, that makes things difficult. I don't have any advice on that. Your attorney might be able to be the go-between. If your h has no address for you then there are alternate "notice" methods he would have to fulfill, but you might miss them. A clean break and not communicating with his mother would probably be safest. I wouldn't be able to advise on how to keep tabs on his location beyond ways you probably already know about or that are legal.
  9. Oh and of course also make sure your privacy settings are all "friends only" and not "friends of friends" (or public, of course). Including images/profile pictures.
  10. Unfortunately I think the members who really knew this stuff best, no longer post. But if you make sure Location Services are off on your phone, that's your best bet, for all things. Never allow it for any program. If you have to temporarily allow it, immediately turn it off. For FB, make sure there is nothing in your profile or settings identifying your location. Make sure your public profile does not show anything. Never allow it to check in anywhere. Try looking at your profile and messaging from another account that isn't your "friend." (You can make a fake account just for this purpose and NOT friend yourself.) Check it every which way. Never "check in" anywhere. FB messenger is a weird app. I'd avoid it if I were you, I just don't trust it. But if there is nothing in your FB profile identifying location, and you have no location service on, then it probably can't locate you that way. BEST BET, though, is to delete your current account and start a new one, not using your real name and not one that's easily guessable. Do not allow anything public. Texting, maybe but probably not unless the other person is in TARU or something. But don't take my word for it at all. There may be ways to open texts in programs and look in the code - I really do not know, but I'm guessing not, unless your location service is turned on. HOWEVER. All this being said. It's possible that there is a hidden locator app installed in your phone if he has every had any means to have access to it. To really disappear you should get a new phone and probably on a different account and service entirely. You should also have a professional check your vehicle for tracking devices. (Not kidding, we have had members...) Any other digital devices such as laptops or tablets - you should either replace entirely, or wipe clean - not just delete files, but re-initialize to factory settings. Go through your purse or discard it and your wallet or anything else you typically carry with you, in case anything might be embedded into a lining. I know this all sounds extreme but ... better safe than sorry, and if you are concerned, if nothing else it will make you feel better. And it doesn't hurt to err on the side of safety.
  11. Children who live in an abusive household have much less chance of growing up healthy, than if they have one household with one parent that is abuse-free. Many members have thought if they stayed they could protect their children better. What happens is that the children grow up without any perspective that abuse isn't normal. They are very badly impacted by the abuse. It's much healthier for them to have at least one household that is not abusive - it helps them gain a barometer about abuse, helps prevent them from either becoming abusive or being targets of abuse their entire life, is just on the whole healthier. Bottom line: staying will not protect your son. On the contrary, it keeps him in an abusive environment 100% of the time. As for custody and scheduling - with an abuser, you never ever just leave that up to their own will. It gets spelled out in legal documents that they must comply with. Yeah,they may fight, but that's not unusual. So I think the best way is to go into the negotiation asking for the moon. Like you really want it all. Then when you "concede" to a lesser amount, they feel like they've "won." And if issues arise later - well, you will find ways to deal with them, then. One thing at a time. It's just another step to go through. These concerns are totally normal, but not something that should keep you from moving forward. You will find that there will be a new "normal" that is healthier for both of you - it takes walking through a rocky path to get there, but it's there.
  12. Sad

    If you need, for your own mental safety, to withhold information and not tell certain people things - then that's wise. If telling people these things make you doubt yourself, then they are not supportive and not helpful. If someone really cares about you, they would be encouraging and would want you to be happy. Also, if your new counselor doesn't think it's the "best thing" for you to pursue - keep looking. Nobody - and I mean nobody - should encourage you to stay in a relationship with a person who makes you feel unhappy. For any reason! Everyone has the inherent right to choose who they want to be with. Who they live with, who they want to spend their time and their life with. That choice is yours, and yours alone. It's nobody else's business. YOU are the only one who feels your own self and your own soul. YOU are the only one qualified to make this judgment, this choice. Unfortunately, with your sister and your friend, you are banging your head against a brick wall. They believe what they want to believe. And you know what? It's sort of condescending and insulting, I think, to assume you don't know enough about your own life and aren't wise enough or adult enough to make this decision for yourself. People who respect others also respect their decisions. Sometimes it hurts less to disengage from such people. I had to, too, with my own family treating me this way. I was never, ever seen as an "adult." Always "less-than." It's incredibly negating and hurtful. I'm sorry
  13. That's great! Congratulations!!! Big step!!! You should feel proud of yourself.
  14. Because they don't care if you want them, or not. You're supposed to be their thingie. To do and be for them. You're not a separate, unique individual whose desires and needs matter apart from fulfilling their own. They don't see or respect you as a separate, unique individual.
  15. That's typical - they truly do live in a different sort of reality created by their mindset. (In fact, I just wrote about that in another post, lol.) Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? They can advise you of your rights in getting her to leave. Meantime, you're probably safe in saying, "Yes, I'm not changing my mind. You have until _________ date to move out." If you don't give her a deadline (and stick to it, and have the means to somehow stick to it)... then they will stay forever. Witness we have members who broke up with their partners months or year(s) ago and the abuser is still living with them and won't leave. You may need to move and get rid of the home out from under her. It may be worth it - something to consider.
  16. You can leave a note but I too would strongly recommend it be very brief, concise, factual and unemotional. Telling them they are abusive or calling them out does you no good at all, and nearly always backfires and makes things worse for you later. Suggesting therapy - same thing, it will backfire and therapy won't help them, anyway. They'd have to want to see and understand there is something wrong with them, and they're not really capable of doing that. This is not fixable. So just something brief, no-nonsense and utterly clear, like, "This marriage isn't working, and hasn't for a long time. I am separating from you. I've made up my mind and will not change it. Please do not attempt to contact me or try to change my mind. (Then if there is a brief statement about the kids or something.) I (or - my attorney) will contact you with next steps. Take care, Gone." ON THE OTHER HAND - some members do feel it's better to act as if it's a temporary separation and then have that morph into permanent. It's really your call and your feeling for what is the best scenario for your particular situation. However, saying it's temporary can open the door into more hoovering and the abuser truly will not respect the boundaries and will presume you are coming back. Making a swift, clean break is usually "easier," but you can decide whichever feels safer. Regarding that loan, again if you haven't had a lawyer's advice on it and especially if you're in a community property state, you may need to give up half. You want to keep your "hands clean" so that he has nothing real to come at you about.
  17. Also, Confused... how do you feel when he says these things? (If you're not sure, that's okay and normal too - but try to start noticing and trying to identify how you feel.) When he calls you a "pet" name that's about your weight, do you feel insulted? That's because it's insulting. When he makes that gesture about your belly, do you feel put-down and hurt? That's because he's putting you down, and it's hurtful. Your feelings aren't something that you should disregard and try to logic yourself out of. They are valid. And you have a right to feel your feelings. No, it's not his business - but even more, it is hurtful and that's not how a person who supposedly cares about you, treats you. You deserve to be treated with kindness, caring and consideration. Not to be insulted, put-down, ridiculed.
  18. Confused, that's not even particularly covert abuse - it's pretty overt. Name calling, teasing, ridicule even if they say it as if they are "joking" - is abuse. The gesture about your stomach is cruel and overt abuse. Covert would be something that an onlooker wouldn't necessarily see as "wrong," but that you feel or know through the context or other "hidden" signals is abuse. An onlooker would know that him making fun of you about your weight is abusive and cruel. Most people know that "pet" names including sensitive topics like weight are not cute or okay. So imo, this is all overt abuse. Anyone would rightfully feel angry and upset at being subjected to these things. They are not "normal" or healthy or a typical part of what is supposed to be a loving, caring relationship. Oh AND - if you've asked someone who supposedly cares about you to stop doing something that you find hurtful, and they keep doing it anyway - that itself is abusive. It's completely disrespectful and disregarding you as a person. It's the opposite of caring. It's bullying and cruel.
  19. I hear ya. I'm on a "break" between jobs. There was abuse in the last one and it tended to take over my brain. (On top of still trauma from the one before, even though it was years ago.) I do not WANT my only vacation in years (and it's just a few days!) to be consumed by all the crap I just left... but it's like I can't get it out of my brain. Even though I don't want it to, I can't focus on what I'd intended to do with this time off. It's so frustrating. Abuse really effs with the head...
  20. No, it's a very good analogy! (I wish you'd try to stop putting down your thoughts, k? ) I actually have experienced this in the workplace. A boss I just left, you could see the look in her eye when she was honing in on an internal spot she could mess with and manipulate. She'd kind of squint her eyes and get a look of almost malevolent pleasure from it. Like, "Ah-hah! NOW I've got you, heh heh heh...." (I'd asked a co-worker and she'd noticed it, too.) Usually when I'd bring, for example, a personnel issue to her and she'd first play like she was being all nice and understanding and want to fix it and care about the team and blahblahblah. Then she'd bring someone else into the convo - she'd hone in on something you said that gave her clues as to how to really turn it into being all your fault - and she'd turn on a dime, it'd turn into something else entirely, blame-shifting and kitchen-sinking and all kinds of Effing with your head, and you'd end up with things all messed up in your head not really knowing what just happened. When you'd done nothing wrong at all. Because on the surface it seemed like everything was better, and at first you'd feel like something productive occurred. Then you'd be, say, driving home and stuff would begin to hit you... and hours, days, months later... or wake up in the middle of the night with it churning helplessly in your head. But hey, everything was resolved and we're all one big happy family now! Right? Now that you've been put back in your place and scrambled and scapegoated, that is... Yeah....... It's basically the same thing that happens in counseling with an abuser, too. So never do that.
  21. LoL I cross-posted with Melinoe and we kind of said some of the same things. But she said more about focusing on you, and that's super-important. A shift from forming your feelings about yourself by what you perceive to be reflected from others..... into forming your feelings about yourself from within yourself, because of how you feel in the world. Doing things you enjoy is super-super important...
  22. I think the beginning of this, a good thing to do is "self-talk." I'm not good at explaining but there are a lot of resources out there. (I bought a book but I never read it so I don't know if I can recommended it, lol, but it's called something like "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself.") First you have to make a list of a few - not more than 3 or 5, I think is best, "affirmations" or short sentences that are the opposite of what you fear you are. I posted them by my computer at home. Read them out loud to yourself several times a day, even if it feels stupid. Then, you have to start noticing when you are thinking the derogatory thoughts about yourself. Notice it and try to reframe it in your head as if someone else said it to you. Then, act as your own "mom" (or other supportive person who would "go to bat" for you) - still in your head - and tell the "someone else" that they are full of sh!t and that you are (kind, intelligent, whatever the appropriate positive phrase would be). So basically, you turn the "negative voice" in your head into something that's not you - and answer it FROM you, with a contradiction. It takes practice to recognize and notice and take action when these thoughts come in. I also really liked the book - someone in this forum recommended it - "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber. There's some spiritual stuff in there but I skipped that part and still got good things from it. Another thing you need to do is, to do things you enjoy and feel you are good at. THEN - praise yourself inwardly. Go ahead. Do it. Or even if you feel like you didn't do anything right - find some tiny aspect to give yourself praise about. Every day. For example, if I am feeling like I accomplished absolutely nothing in a day, I might tell myself, "Well, you did do ____, and _____, and that did help make your life a bit better, right?" As for trusting others to like you? I think there comes a point where it's not as important to have others like you. Once it doesn't feel as important to get others to like you, then you tend to feel more comfortable around others. And you can also "logic" with the thinking you are competent. What logical reasons would you have to believe they think you are competent. Did you get assigned a project because you're trusted to get it done? Do you receive any words of praise for your work? (If not, perhaps it's not the right workplace for you - but trust me, I do understand that in this mental state it's pretty hard to job-hunt.......BTDT, yup, BTDT...) And as for people believing you are decent? That's not something that anyone can control about anyone. So again, I think that's the sort of thing that when you stop caring about that, that's what's important. It's the stopping-caring, not the believing in what they think of you, that matters. I have been through this pretty badly - kind of going through it again, but in an unchangeable physical way..... so I think I get where you're coming from. It takes practice and time and repetition of "good" things to put more on that side of your brain... the side that thinks negatives gets outweighed eventually and you start to feel better. And it doesn't have to come from others... it can come from inside you.
  23. Good luck!
  24. Wow, that's AWFUL. Way to diminish your accomplishment and skill! Holy crap. No, no no no nononononononono. Bite me, Mr. B.S. That's NOT how it works. Sheesh. He may think he's just somehow analyzing it in some logical way (although like I said, that's not how it works - teachers have a sum total of more than just one class worth of students to base their opinion on, duh...)... But still, why cut you down? Why not be just, "You did great! Good for you! Proud of you!" without negating and discounting the accomplishment. Oh yeah, because 1. he doesn't want you to think well of yourself, and 2. he's afraid you will think well of yourself, and 3. he doesn't think of you as a separate, intelligent being. grrrr angry!
  25. Someone who loves and cares about you, would not insult you and put you down like that! His words and actions are not those of someone who genuinely cares about you. Take the apartment and move. Your brain is right. Your daughter is right. If you leave when he's not there, you won't have to deal with a final confrontation with him. Start moving out your things as best you can to another location. Especially the important things like irreplaceable memorabilia and copies of important papers. You don't have to subject yourself to his promises and crying and hoovering. You CAN hang up if he tries - or not pick up at all. You have no obligation to listen to him, to engage with him in conversation, or to subject yourself to his manipulation. You don't have to. You are your own person. Just because he talks, doesn't mean you have to listen. Hoovering is abuse. You are not obligated to let him try. If he writes, don't read it. Block him every which way. You do not have to pay attention to his words or promises. You don't even have to hear them. He doesn't have the right to force you to listen or hear him. He is not more of a "person" than you, with more rights than you. You have your own rights to protect yourself and that includes not subjecting yourself to his crap. And feeling bad for him? I bet that feeling goes away after you've been away from him for a while and get some distance and perspective. He insults you, and you feel bad for him. He is a pig to treat you like that. He is mean and cruel to you. Your compassion is unfortunately wasted on him. Abusers, though, condition you to feel guilty, to feel sorry for them. Take the apartment and sneak out any way you can. You don't need a final moment or to talk to him at all. There is no need to be "honorable" in leaving someone who hurts you. The rules are off when it comes to abusers. Basically you are running for your life. There is no rule that says you have to give him any chances to even talk to you or try to hoover you. No rules at all. You don't need to subject yourself to him. You have the total right and authority over your own self to hang up, walk away, throw away or delete unopened letters or emails, block his communication, change your number, do whatever it takes to protect yourself from his manipulation.