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Everything posted by Quaddie

  1. He's likely not keeping track, he's just going to do it whenever. You shouldn't have to deal with this or use your energies to try to counter-strategize against his continued control. No matter what it seems like, this all keeps you "tied" to him, and engaging with him whether you intend it or not.
  2. Now he is stalking you at your meetings. The meetings are going to continue to be a point he will use to control and manipulate you. Now, even if he never makes actual contact, he's inserted himself into your head and made you uncomfortable that he might come by at any moment. He is not only manipulating your head this way, but also maintaining power-over by showing you he can still come by there and still mess with you at his will.
  3. You can filter his to go to trash, but there is probably a way to block them from coming through entirely. And you can delete trash without reading or even seeing the snippets. Protect yourself. Value your own health.
  4. Your instincts are correct. He is "love-bombing" you. He might die if he can't talk to you?? That's abnormal and unhealthy, pure manipulation. The things he's saying about you getting"hard" and him being a victim of your last relationship are pure manipulation, designed to control you. Him questioning you if your therapist agreed with him...That's really inappropriate, also highly manipulative and a boundary violation. In my opinion, it would be prudent to disconnect all communications with him and block him. He is, indeed, being manipulative and controlling, and is not a healthy thing for you to engage in. No explanation or discussion is required. Just something like, "I'm not going to talk to you anymore." (Notice, no apology - you have a right to decide on your own.) Then stop, and block. If you don't block him, you will receive a barrage of various types of hoovers and criticisms. Follow your instincts.
  5. This is a very unhealthy and emotionally dangerous "relationship." Also, masturbation is normal and healthy. If she is so far insecure and controlling about that...which btw is also a privacy issue and tramples your boundaries (which abusers love to do, by the way)... In my opinion, there's not really any chance of a mature, healthy relationship. Everything that's going on is all kinds of wrong. You'll end up in legal trouble from her machinations. Better to plan an escape on the sly.
  6. Fluffy? I know I keep saying this, but can you block him, and not look at the emails? It's for your own health and sanity...
  7. That's true - they don't see (or care to see) the "real you" - the actual person you are. So imo, being in a relationship with an abuser never was a relationship in the first place. They never really cared about the actual you inside.
  8. I think it helps more to think of it the other way around. Instead of it being that strangers get the better part of him... Try to remember that what they are getting is just a facade. It's fake - a mask he wears. What you get is the "true self" he's just covering up for others. So even if he did treat you the way he treated others - it wouldn't be real. He would still be thinking of you, inside, with disrespect. As not-a-person. He'd just be covering it up. And that...is not a relationship. Think about his: why would you want to give yourself to someone who doesn't really respect or care about you? That thought can put you back into the driver's seat on it, rather than thinking about why he only treats others with respect as if he gives you the cast-off leavings and cares about others more. His "caring about others more" only has to do with preserving his own image - it's not about caring or respect in any case.
  9. One incident in the middle of nowhere with driving extremely fast and recklessly in the middle of the night, because he was angry (because I'd gotten hurt I think? helping HIS friends put their folding chairs away after their wedding? which itself is weird)... That was one of the only 2 or 3 major red flags I'd had prior to marrying him. He never did it again, either. But it was a horrific experience. Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, wooded areas, prior to cell phones, driving like a demonic madman...
  10. I agree entirely with your perspective on the situation. Also, false accusations are a special pet peeve of mine >:( . Very upsetting.
  11. Oh and DON'T tell him any of this, or talk to him about his abuse. That will only work against you. Secret spy mission mode -get out as swiftly as possible.
  12. Yes AND....it needs to be said that this type of abuser -the kind who eggs on his target to hit him like that - this is a type who is also likely to use this against you. This is a very serious matter....several of our past members have experienced severe emotional trauma and very damaging life circumstances by the actions of this type of abuser. They egg a person on, then they call the police and have you arrested, and then it turns into a horrorshow of immense proportions. This isn't a rare thing. It's very, very serious and it happens without warning. So it's extremely important to get away from this guy asap -immediately if possible -to prevent any kind of harm whatsoever to you. Btw, there is no rule or need to "have a talk" with them, explain why you are leaving, or get them to understand or buy into it. It's unsafe to do this with an abuser, anyway. They only use your desire to be"considerate" as an opportunity to manipulate and control. Don't"have a talk." Don't try to get them to understand or agree. Short and clear. It can even be a text, post-it, email (then block him every which way immediately). "I am breaking up with you. The decision is made and I am not changing my mind. Please do not contact me or try to see me again." Boom.That's it. Then document everything. If he hangs around your place, write then time, date, circumstance, how long. Take pics if needed. Document document document. You may need the documentation if you need to apply for a restraining order. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The simple, clear, unmistakable and unapologetic breakup, then immediate blocking of communication. I've seen too many members here have their lives devastated by this type of abuser, to not be firm about this recommendation.
  13. It is "reactionary abuse" - he is pushing you and then taunting you into it. It's a clear signal that this relationship is abusive (by him) and unhealthy. It's not "your anger issues," it's his abuse and manipulation of you that is the problem. Breaking up is a unilateral decision. HE doesn't get to control whether or not you're allowed to break up with him. You don't have to ask him, or get his permission. Abuse is about control. What he's doing when he manipulates you back into the relationship is called "hoovering" (sucking you back in, like a vacuum cleaner). It's typical abuser behavior. That's why it's almost always best to go completely "no contact" when breaking up with an abuser. They often do this sort of thing. If someone follows you, that may be considered illegal stalking behavior. No one has a right to follow you everywhere and harass you into being with them. His promises to change, as you've already noticed, are empty - just ploys, manipulation to get you back. They're not real. You can decide to break up - and then break up, and not listen to his pleas. I can't write more right now, but there are things you can do to protect yourself mentally and psychologically from his further manipulation. Just try to remember that you are an individual person and you get to decide who you want to be with. Stalking you, begging you, that's sometimes portrayed as "romantic" in the movies and such - but in reality, it's abuse. Once you've told someone you don't want to be with them anymore, if they are healthy and respectful, they will leave you alone. They don't try to manipulate and control you back into a relationship. He doesn't get to call the shots or decide whether or not you are allowed to break up with him. He doesn't get to stalk you or manipulate you back. This is a very, very unhealthy relationship - he is verbally and psychologically abusive. Remember that abuse isn't about anger, it's about control. Abusers can even appear to be "nice" and still be abusive. So following you, stalking you, sitting outside your house are highly abusive and may even be illegal. You may think about calling the police or your local Domestic Violence agency for advice on what you can do. You are allowed to break up with him, block his number, block his social media accounts, never speak to him again, forbid him from waiting outside your home, and take appropriate action to protect yourself if he still does not leave you alone. You are entitled to an individual existence, on your own, as yourself - at your own decision. And just because someone seems really interested and tries extraordinary measures to get you back, is not an indication of passion or that they love or respect you, or that you should give it another try - or that you even have to listen to them. You don't. You are in charge of your own being and your own choices. You get to ignore him and protect yourself. You get to decide who you want to be with. It's your life, and this person is making you feel bad. That's not love or a healthy relationship at all. Even if it's only "sometimes." You're not the problem here. He is.
  14. Whoever she is - whether she's the must successful coke-addict businessperson, or a meth addict who lives on the street - she is still just his next victim. It probably is not to get a rise out of you - his needs are more immediate than that. You should have seen the ogre my ex replaced me with. Cross between jabba the hutt and that Mucinex mucus blob. Not kidding. Oh, and she herself was horribly abusive. A hideous person inside. Anyway - no, the usually can't be alone. They need supply. They need their needs met. They need someone to reflect back to them who they think they are. So no matter who they choose, it's really no reflection on or anything to do with you. Yes, they do play games and there might be a manipulative payback factor to him, but really it's all just a game that you don't need to stoop to it occupying your mind. See, when you think about her and what kind of person she is, and how he looks being with her, or his reasons for being with her... do you see how he is still controlling your head? So if he is doing it to "get at you" - it's working. And if he's not doing it for that... you're using precious brainspace and your mental and psychological energies on him. What are you doing to grow your own interests? What new things are you engaging in - maybe that you couldn't do while you were with him? Fill that space with healthy things that bring you happiness and develop your own soul.
  15. Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovers interspersed with trying to find a new target. Really..... it'd be in your best interest to not read his letters at all, and to disconnect from all sources of information about him. If you ask people not to tell you about him and they won't respect your boundaries, then they are people who are not supportive or kind to you. It's all for your own health and sanity...
  16. I'm glad to be of help. They would have you lose your life entirely - wasting it every moment of every day, and for what? For what? To try to conform to what makes them happy? When they never will be? They would keep putting you down, and putting you down... Why is their "happiness" with you more important than your own? What makes them the boss of you? Really? You are an adult. Just as much as they are. You are equals. They do not have rights over you - nor to judge you, nor to force you into their own vision of the world - which they don't know, it might be wrong. They're just people, too. They are all just people. Not better, not more important, not more worldly or omnipotent. That was an important thing I had to try to internalize, too. It sounds weird but being shapeless/unwanted, I think you develop thinking that everyone else is "more person" than you are. ("you" in the general sense, not you specifically). All I know is that trying to flit this way and that, forever bending with the breeze trying to make everyone else happy with oneself - it never, ever, ever works...never ever. That'd be - I think there's a psychological term, but idk - looking to others to define you with a certain level of "human okay-ness" - when you were actually born with the same level of human okay-ness as everyone else. BTDT, still struggle with it, but my situations are different and not altogether "psychological" (although other people assume it is...:/) Not explaining that well. Sorry. You are just as good and human and just as much of a life and spiritual authority as they are. Not less-than to them. Never have been. They'd like you to think that, they're doing everything to keep you less-than...because that's what controllers do. But in reality, you're not. In factual, objective, undisputable terms. you are just as worthy and human and capable of making your own decisions and life and desires as anyone else.
  17. Oh yeah. And another "war." Of course, I've probably talked about this before ... It's the "want to's" vs. the "shoulds." THIS I think is the grand battle. The mountain of bodies burying one, to claw up through in order to conquer one's inner land. I think this is the thing that most keeps a person dark and in bed and unable to do anything....... is the cognitive dissonance. The SHOULDS or SHOULDN'TS - the overpower voices of everyone else. Versus what one really wants. And of course, the assumption is that we have to believe we can have or deserve the "what we really want"---- before we can actually act on it. But in reality that just kinda still leaves a person frozen. So that's where the "as if" comes in. To act and go through motions as if one already believes it's okay. You don't have to believe it, though. You can take little forward actions - even if you don't believe it. You don't need to be motivated. You don't need to believe in your own rightness. None of that actually has to come first. Waiting for it to come first might leave one frozen forever. But somewhere in there - you already know what you want. That's not the problem. So let's treat your inner person as if they are worthy - even if you're not sure they are. "What should I be doing, IF I REALLY WAS SURE?" <-- then do that. Even if you're not sure. Don't think about consequences or "what-ifs." Act in case maybe you actually are sure. I hope that makes sense.
  18. Oh WB, I'm so sorry. The betrayal of the people who are supposed to care most for you is so hard. I can visualize you in a place of light and freedom, away from the heavy burdens of guilt and blame, out from under the burden of trying to prove "it's not you" - a place where you do not have to interact with or counter or navigate any of these harmful relationships anymore. This whole scenario is so unhealthy that it is feeding on itself to eat you alive. I think that, in your case, a radical change is going to be what's necessary in order to get you out from under all this. Some people are in situations where only parts of them are bad and can be changed, leaving the rest intact and being able to pursue a healthy life from there. But not all of us are able to do that. For me, once I realized that my siblings were making me feel bad about myself every time I interacted with them..... Yes, it really hurt to give that up, but the feeling of "self-ness" - of being able to inhabit myself and not being forced to continually see myself through their eyes and try to prove myself worthy of their esteem... once I broke away from it, it was like a new world opened. I also gave up my family and moved across the country to a place I loved, which was wayyyy more aligned with who I am. Not saying you should do exactly the same thing.. but I think a lot of times, just because we happened to be born into a certain situation or environment or family, doesn't mean it's the right one for us. I see you so bogged down by them. It's not about you at all. And I wish I could scoop you up and transport you into a (physical and/or mental) place that's free of their mind-clutter. When the people in your life do you more harm than good, there is literally no rule that says you have to continue to engage with them. Oh of course, they'll say that's wrong. Family is family. Blah blah blah. But you didn't choose them. You didn't choose this scenario. You're moving in a healthy direction where you are trying to make healthy choices. They are trying to drag you back down into the mud. Oh yeah, now it's time again for "From Me to You" by Janis Ian: (gack, videos are so big in this window). ANYWAY. The lyrics I'm especially talking about are: Those people who surround you only want to see you weak enough to crawl They'll lie for you, decide for you, and buy up all your rights and all your wrongs And they'll try to stop your singing In the middle of your song For they do not want you free And they will not make you strong but only drag you down in the hole they're coming from. They say you are foolish for wanting the sun Say you are selfish for learning to run Tell you that the darkness is a blessing in disguise For you never have to notice if you're sighted or you're blind And they'll do their best to keep you from the light You're more than beginning You're learning to fly You feel like you're falling but it passes in time That's the thing here, WB. They are actively trying to bring you down in order to force you back into their worldview. Not because of you. But because it threatens what they think they know. They don't see you as an independent being worthy of your own independent choices. They don't respect you as an individual person. That hurts. I know... the people who took care of me, brought me up... also were that way. I beat my head against a brick wall much of my life, trying to be worthy enough to be considered a person to them. It was a futile endeavor. It could never, ever happen. Now, of course, they think I'm the stupid, foolish, wrong one. Just being the idiot I always was. That I'm ___________ (fill in the blank with criticism and put-downs). Because they never saw me as a person. They never saw my realities. They made things up in their head. Fvck, they blamed and hated me even for being born. Also, not my fault. Yeah, I still struggle with that, a lot. Being brought up with that, you don't just magically get over it. But I'd never be able to pursue my own person-ness...if I stayed tied to what they thought of me. Read the book above... Also "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cherie Huber. I feel like what you are living with is basically a cult. It's powerful and it will kill you just as surely as Jim Jones' kool-aid did his followers. Did you know - I think I just recently read somewhere that not all the followers drank it willingly? Some were forced. This is kool-aid. They are forcing you to drink it. You may need radical, radical change in your life in order to get out from under this. Not just learning "coping skills" or trying to feel better while staying in the quagmire. The quagmire is still making you sick. It's them - not you. They are laying all this onto you. ON PURPOSE. THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD. SO THAT YOU WILL CONFORM. They are wrong. Nobody who is kind and humane would be doing this to their child. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Getting out from under a trap often involves making very difficult and painful sacrifices. And most of all, it requires that really, really difficult force of working against inertia. Of getting a giant, heavy ball rolling from dead-stop. That's normal. It's normal that it's hard, and that it's painful. It doesn't mean you "can't" - and it doesn't mean "you're too weak" or that you're "not good enough" or that you "shouldn't." It's normal that it's hard to do. But it gets easier once the ball has been rolling a while. You scare them but that's okay. Let them feel however they feel. That doesn't mean you should - or have to - absorb their feelings into your own being. You are a unique, individual entity who is on a path that they don't like. Too bad. You may love nutella and they may hate it, too. Everyone is different. This is just another difference between people. Your soul is in a tug-of-war - not between God and demons - but between you and them. They are not more worthy of your soul than you are. You were the one who was born with it. It is yours. Fulfill it. It's okay to be you. It's grand to be you. You are not the one going around forcing other people into harm so that they won't grow into their own beings. They are. That's not humane.
  19. So much I could say, but I'm on my mobile so I can't right now. 1. Just because your kid(s) don't like what you are doing, doesn't mean you are"wrong." I agree your oldest seems to be acting out abusively. 2. Definitely don't move back in. All this is is hoover. A change in some behaviors is not anywhere near indicative of a change in mindset or person. 3. Definitely the kids should contribute to the household. They may not like it, but that's a normal and healthy expectation. 4. Abusers are good at making their target look life "the wrong one." It's all part of the game even if they don't day anything straight out. 5. It might be confusing and weird for them that things are sort of in limbo. Sanity and healing might come more quickly if there were an actual breakup. I'd also recommend counseling to help you get a reality touchstone and someone to talk to.
  20. It's sometimes the law that such things need to go through a court system. Have you consulted with a lawyer? If there is a law, you may still need to get the court's permission to give up child support. Visitation (or I think they call it parenting time now) is independent of child support, unless the child is with the parent more than "x" amount of time. There are usually formulas about it. I think you should definitely talk to a lawyer (you can often get a free initial consult - or with several, if you're not sure you click with one). They are the best ones to advise you on this. And if the court requests information like that, it's usually in your best interest to comply. Also it helps to keep in mind that, much of the time, when dealing with abusers, there comes a need later to clarify or tie things down or get outside orders in order to get them to comply with what they're supposed to be doing. So the more air-tight and less wiggle-room for them that things are in the beginning, the better it is for you. If your state system mandates things, however, it's moot and unavoidable. So really an attorney is the best person to ask. Also if you have to legally clarify visitation, it often doesn't seem to work to leave it open-ended and call it "reasonable." Abusers have a way of becoming unreasonable.
  21. Hi All, I'm writing this post because I'm mid-way through a book that I think could possibly be of great help to everyone who is in a bad situation and they know it, but just can't seem to motivate themselves or feel like they need to get out - or to change their life in any way. This book directly addresses that. It's The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins. If you read reviews about the book, you may run across a few that ding it for being a bit redundant - but you know what? I find that I need that redundancy in order for things to sink in. And I think it reads well. So as of right now, although I haven't finished it yet, I'd like to highly recommend this book to just about all of us, lol. It's kind of a variation on the tactic I used myself in order to get out - which I've spoken about in here before. But she explains all the forces at work and the inner resistance and why this is necessary in order to make change. I especially like the concept that "motivation is a myth." You don't have to be motivated to make change. In fact, waiting or trying for motivation actually works against a person. Anyhoo, I thought I'd go ahead and recommend the book because I think it's so relevant to so many of us.
  22. Anything that interferes with your physical presence is physical violence. Even if he doesn't even touch you. Pushing is definitely physical violence. It doesn't have to be a slap or a punch, to be physical abuse. For example, blocking you from leaving - even if he doesn't touch you - is also physical abuse. Like Perc said, taking your phone and throwing it and crushing it is violence. I'm afraid that he is rapidly escalating in his violence. Abuse is about control. He wants to keep you from the job interview because that way he can control you more and keep you dependent on him. I would strongly recommend that you contact a local domestic violence agency as soon as possible. Also, I'd suggest you obtain a phone that he doesn't know about, activate it and always keep it on your person in case of emergency. The sooner you can get out of this, the better. You may not be able to wait until all the ducks are in a row. He is not safe to be around. Even if you have no money, you may have access to resources that you're not aware of that can help you. A DV agency may be able to give you some advice and support in that regard. And whatever you do - do not tell him that he is being abusive. That would backfire on you. In the meantime, while you get information and plan, many people just try to lay low and pretend they are being compliant with the abuser, while they make their plans in secret. It's like being on a spy mission, but the goal is your safety.
  23. Even if he is acting up and others "see" him for what he is, it doesn't necessarily make it a safe place for you. So maybe a pro-con list might help. Maybe it would go something like this: If you stay at your same meetings, you'd: Pro * Have continuity * Be comfortable with the people you know * Know when/where etc. * Feel people understand who you were dealing with Con * May have to engage with your ex to try to schedule/arrange. * Being dependent on his own decisions and behavior, as to whether they would actually be safe for you to attend. * Asking him to give you the meetings is "as if" they belong to him and are his - it's still under "his control" to give, or not give. You are in the dependent, less-than position. (Whether or not they really are "his" is not relevant - this is just the unavoidable impact of the dynamic as it currently is.) * Feel pressured to be responsible for his presence. Believe it or not, this is an unavoidable side-effect of everything that's gone on. And now there is actually increased pressure when someone thanked you for asking him to "give you" the meetings. This - although kindly and well-meant and grateful - actually put more pressure and burden onto your shoulders. If anything he does is "because of you," it makes you "responsible" for his behaviors. That deepens the connection between you, furthers the feeling of responsibility to engage with him, and increases the "tether" between you. It doesn't make you more free of him. It actually makes you less free. * Likely still have underlying anxiety he might be there or show up * Still have the spectre of his presence - even if he's not there. His "spirit" lingers, yours and everyone's awareness of him in that space and in those meetings If you find your own meetings that he doesn't know about, you'd: Pro * Be utterly free of his influence and control * Be free of having to engage with him about YOUR meetings or sobriety * Be free of any conscious or subconscious feelings of responsibility for whether or not he shows up (responsibility for his behavior) * Be free of anxiety that he might show up * Not be dependent on him in any way, shape or form Con * Fear of unknown - starting new (this is normal) * Anger and frustration/resentment at "having" to disrupt your life and your schedule because of him * Anxiety about getting to know new people, a new place, etc. * Inconvenience
  24. Hi WB, I've just started reading "The 5 Second Rule" by Mel Robbins (I got mine on Kindle so I'm reading it in bits and pieces when I get a few moments). Of course, I'm only partway through, but I feel like it might be useful to you, too. I liked pieces of her prior book "Stop Saying You're Fine," too. But this one I think really dives into the hesitancy thing we all experience...about everything.
  25. Good!