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About Quaddie

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  1. Yes, those are all things....plus more, lol. Blue, short story is I get treated the way I do because of pigeonholing and stereotyping based on my appearance.... I'm a target for bullying and other things which I'm generally unable to do anything about because - also due to stereotypes and assumptions - I've never been able to rise to any level and therefore have no credibility (am always"presumed wrong")..... These are not "protected class" stereotypes so there is no recourse legally or in policy. And any action I try to take always backfires. Because of challenges, I can't really do the work of my field anymore, which is the way I'd be able to get work. Plus, the field has changed so much and become the opposite of what it used to be, I no longer care about it. And one would need to constantly keep up with the changes, which I'm not fully involved in and don't care for anyway. This role served its purpose as best as possible for a blip before new mgmt came in and became the norm. Also, there are other significant issues with the workplace that I can't get into but which eat at my soul. But as far as the combination of meeting my physical and financial needs for survival, it does that, and that's a very rare combination. I am sick of killing myself just to work for others who just crap on me. I don't want to do it at all. I'm beyond done with navigating these scenarios. This also prevents me from doing what I need to do with my life, no matter even if it were the rosiest environment, it still would be unsuitable for who I am and what I need to accomplish in life, even if only for the fact that it removes my ability to pursue it. And I seriously don't think I could bring myself to interview well anymore, not because of lack of self esteem but because of too much....too much everything and not enough caring.
  2. (((WB)))
  3. that's what they are designed to do. That's manipulation working. and that's another reason no contact is so important. I sometimes talk about a movie called "Love Potion #9." In it, there is a potion that makes a person attached to the one who has used it on them. But its effect only lasts a certain amount of time, then has to be refreshed by the smitten target hearing the potionater's voice. So when the bad guy uses it on Sandra Bullock, he calls her every few hours to refresh the bond of the potion and keep her attached to him. Contact of any kind works the same way, in real life too.
  4. It doesn't get rid of the bad feeling no matter what I would do with it. It's the fact she does this (and there are other things they do) and nothing will get rid of that. Plus, I really can use it for something to make my physical life better. I know about job-hunting. I just cannot possibly explain all the very serious and legitimate reasons why a new job is not the answer. It's not that I'm a "defeatist." My life and experience has been long and legitimate. My situation is valid, my challenges are valid. I know I "should" and I'm keeping my eye out for something that might be suitable but there really isn't anything (and that is due to a lot of - again - very legitimate factors) - AND it's not the answer in the long-term anyway because this kind of thing in one form or another happens to me in every.single.workplace. all. my. life. and it is getting worse the older I get. and I'm not capable of handling workplace b.s. anymore. and I was so terrorized (not just in my last position - which was completely and utterly horrific on a number of levels, which I cannot even begin to explain or get into) - and this is cumulative as well, not just from that but from every.single.time........ and I cannot even begin to convince someone else to hire me because the only jobs I could possibly do are not going to get me any esteem either and are going to land me in exactly the same situation for less money and without the same benefits and I can't care anymore about anybody else's b.s. I have genuine legitimate real valid physical challenges which prevent me from doing most types of work, I have genuine legitimate real valid other challenges which impact every other aspect of everything....... and this is not my life, I can't get into something where it might demand even more of me and still even hope to do what I need to do on the off-time with the little resources I have left. This is not "defeatism" - it's not "negativity" - it's not "self-esteem" issues - it's reality and acknowledgment of everything I know about myself and my limits and my life goals (unless I just decide I'm too effin' old to bother with pursuing my soul anymore and wtf, then none of it matters at all). Trust me, I'm the first person to be encouraging and woo-hoo you can do it, but this is NOT what's going on my my own particular life situation. I'm extraordinarily familiar with all the ins and outs and dynamics of toxic environments and I'm doing what I can to change my life on my off-time, but nothing is going to be magically different in a situation that has never been magically different for like 40 years, even if I wanted it to be. It's simply a horrible life fit for me, even in the best of circumstances (which never last more than a blip -as some might recall, this one started well then rapidly changed). My "I can'ts" are legitimate and real and valid. They are the product of self-knowledge and life-knowledge and the reality that none of this is the right thing for me in any way, shape or form. The answer is not in another job. The answer is in my finding another way, which of course I am well aware I am failing at - have been forever - but still that is the only answer. The answer does not lie in burying myself more in something else for someone else that's going to suck any other needed lifeforce away from me and not meet my basic needs as well.
  5. You have the ability to disrupt that hold by taking care of your needs in another way.
  6. Personally, it's my opinion that it would be your safest and healthiest option, all around. Especially with something as sensitive and important as your sobriety. Right now, it's like he's holding you hostage with it. It's manipulative and damaging to you. The better you can find ways to not need anything from him and be totally independent of him, the better and healthier you will be able to become.
  7. Can you ask your friends not to tell you if he contacts them? That is a boundary you can draw. However they deal with him, is up to them. The only way to get free of him is to disengage entirely. You are almost certainly going to have to find a way to go to meetings without asking for any cooperation from him. Even if it's difficult. We often have to give up something pretty "big" in order to get free of an abuser. He is just going to keep using this as a way to try to engage with you. The only way to free yourself of him is to completely go non-contact. That means hearing about him from "friends," too. They should respect your boundaries once you ask them to. If they don't, they're not safe for your healing. He's never, ever, ever going to be safe to interact with - he's never, ever going to respect your boundaries. Until and unless you can have your life free of his influence and interference - he is still controlling you. He's not going to ever, ever be safe for you to interact with. And he's never going to "let" you have what you need.
  8. Lol that must have been me, echthros is my ex. <shudder> So true. Also, I was thinking about something similar the other day. Hard to verbalize, but I'll give it a go. When I was married, I thought "that is just how life is." What I'd THOUGHT was "fun" - now, looking back... was nowhere near what fun actually feels like. What I'd thought was "caring behavior" from him - if he was being good - was nowhere near what actual caring behavior on an ongoing basis actually looks like. (I can count on one hand the number of times he impressed me with "caring" behaviors - that's how infrequent it was, and why it stood out. Caring behaviors should NOT stand out as being "abnormal." It should just be the normal.) What I'd thought were "good times" - were bland and bleh and nowhere near what "good times" FEELS like with someone who actually cares about you as a person. It was all on like an entirely different dimension than actual caring, respect and support are like. It's like....imposter-caring. Like we've talked about before with many of the abusers.... it feels like they are just going through motions. There is an entirely different type of connection between people who actually support and care and respect each other. I don't mean "respect" as in "do what I say." I mean see and enjoy and like and respect your individuality as a person. It's a whole different ballgame from what I thought "good" was. Of course, my concept of what life was like was very bland and tasteless. It was matter-of-fact and empty. A non-abusive relationship is not like that.
  9. because I am in such a perceived-servile position, she would consider that a slap in the face. She has already arranged for me to get in trouble for things I didn't really do "wrong." That creates immense trauma in me (especially from having been terrorized with such in a prior position, which situation I cannot fully describe but it was horrific and extremely traumatizing in a way I have never recovered from and has ruined any ability for me to really navigate or CARE to navigate workplaces anymore anyway). She takes the slightest word "wrong" and then turns around onto me. She plays like we're getting along great but then I have to know my place or else. She is friends with the director and I evidently now have 12 million lower "bosses" even though I wasn't demoted and used to report directly to the director... idk, this is the weirdest situation I've ever been in. It's not right, but I was told I'm wrong (even though I have more experience than any of them, AND I know a LOT about employment and law and workplace norms and alllllll that. But, I'm not allowed to know anything. I'm automatically wrong. So I can't say anything. Because it all gets turned around against me.) I'm literally at the bottom and powerless. If I offend her, my life there will be even more miserable. It's a catch-22. It's hard to explain. I'm too old for all this kind of cr&p. But I don't have any other options and none of this is workable for me. Not working anywhere. For a ton of reasons. Working is really taking my life from me in so many (atypical) ways that I can't. But I have to.
  10. Thank you ((WB)) She does do a lot of condescending and - hard to explain, maybe authoritarian? things that let me know she feels I am basically of "servant class" (I discussed this with the only other similarly situated person in my department, who has her own tough situation with *her* managers - and we both feel we've never been expected to be so "servile" in any other situation. Well, I might have before - I've been in the workforce 40 years - but not in this particular type of position.) It's so hard to explain. It's like if I offer anything that lets them think that *I* think I'm anything, I get put-down with some sort of condescension or insult or worse. BUT - if I just "yes ma'am no ma'am" then that's not okay either, of course because then I'm not showing any initiative or enthusiasm or what-the-fvck-ever. SO. Thing is, so they are all sales people who are incented on quarterly/annual goals and if they make their goals they get a bonus. So I think this is this particular manager's way of trying to show me I'm "part of the team" and earned a bonus, too. Because I'm her servant and all. (And I'm others' too, but they don't do this with their $$. But oh, this is only HALF my job, and the OTHER half I'm supposed to be knowledgeable and I'm in fact the ONLY one in the building with my skills and knowledge, but I'm not allowed to think I have them, even though they expect me to use them every.single.day and cover for the director's lapses and inability and lack of skill even though she told me at the get-go (pretty literally) that I'm not good enough, but I'm still expected to do all the crap I'm not "good enough" to do because there's no one else to do it - and also while they take every opportunity to put me down about all *that*, too. It's insane.) Anyway....back to the bonus thing. So she thinks she's "including" me and doing a "good thing." BUT IN REALITY. Half my job has nothing to do with them. AND this is personal out of her pocket so it feels disgusting to me, like payola. (I do know, in my last place of business, a person in a similar role told us how she did this with her "servant" but always was giving her money and gifts because she was hard on her "servant" <-- <my word, I just don't want to use the real title>...so I know this is sometimes done. But this is not how *I* see myself. I'm not that. I've NEVER been in that particular role. AND I don't WANT it. It's like if you're a guy and you have a girlfriend who has sex with you because she's your girlfriend, then you pay her for it. Put a couple hundred on the nightstand after. I don't know how else to describe it. This is just my JOB. I don't work for tips. I don't want her money. It doesn't make me feel engaged or special. It makes me feel put-down, like she's saying, "Oh I have more money than you so I'm giving you some of mine.because poor you, you don't get to get more money like I do." It feels like the rich being "generous" to a servant. It feels servile and prostitute-like. (And it also lets me know that this is how she sees me. As servile who she should throw some bucks at, "good dog, good doggie, there there, here's a treat." ) It's not like I'm a PROFESSIONAL with decades of actual PROFESSIONAL experience. It's disrespectful. But she...thinks it's respectful and a good deed. But it turns my stomach. All I said when I opened it was, "This is totally unnecessary... <paused>. but thank you." That's pretty much all I ever say. I really hate it. I just hate the symbolism. And what it tells me of how others view me. And how it takes away from the fact that I'm a PROFESSIONAL with a great deal of knowledge and experience........that no one can even acknowledge, that they put me down me for thinking I have, for even thinking I'm anything but a servant. Who should not think, except on-demand, and then it's still like walking on eggshells. They are frequently almost literally "putting me in my place." It's so effing insane. While at the same time, if I do things in my profession or anything requiring higher-level thought it gets ZERO acknowledgment (I did bring this up with director who had some crazy things to say about it)... Of course then people always say, "then get another job." But there are dozens of really legitimate, valid challenges and issues with that "typical solution" which make it not necessarily apply to me. I just can't really get into it, but it's real. And its going to be the same anywhere else, anyway. It always ends up the same. The older I get the worse it is, I have increasing challenges and "another job" isn't the answer, I just can't find the answer.
  11. Hi, there was a post up here this morning - I had drafted a reply on my mobile, but when I clicked Submit, the post had disappeared. I hope you did not delete your post out of fear, or apprehension that you did not belong here, or that your story was unwelcome, or that it seemed weird or...anything. Because you do belong here. Now I'm going to try to remember what I said before, lol... First off, yes, it was definitely abuse that you experienced - very severe abuse. It's normal to have mixed feelings and difficulty reconciling abuse with the caring/supportive person. And especially, the parental relationship is very, very difficult to reconcile that way. There are very "primal" feelings in the mix as well, which make the attachment very deep. The fear and feeling of betrayal about discussing this with your therapist could be due to "trauma bonding." That is a very common side-effect of abuse like this. In fact, that may have even been why you deleted your post? Fear of betraying that? But in order to really start on your path toward healing and become your own individual self, it will be necessary to be open and honest with your therapist and tell them the truth about all this. It is not a "betrayal" because they were responsible for what they did, and now you get to become your own person - and in order to begin to do that, you need to be able to work through that. It feels weird and wrong, but it isn't wrong at all. That's the trauma bonding making it feel wrong. However, being dependent on the abuser(s) can make it more challenging to be open and to work through these things. Because it keeps a person from being able to get the needed distance that helps give them a more accurate perspective of what is actually going on. Now, what you described of your earlier childhood - to me sounded like pretty normal kid stuff. The way your caregivers treated you, however, can actually cause all sorts of other issues and problems for you. So a lot of the symptoms you described, sounded to me like they might have resulted from the abuse. They were definitely not reason for you to be abused! In fact, that is something that abusers often try to do - twist it around and blame you for your own abuse, make it "your fault." They are great at manipulating - especially with guilt - and may even lead the target of abuse to draw that conclusion themselves. Making them think they thought it themselves. That they deserve it. That they brought it on themselves. If only they hadn't ______. If only they'd been more ____. But that's not true. Abusers abuse because they are abusive. Not because anyone deserves it. No one deserves it! Anyway - of course, I don't know what your diagnosis is (and it's none of my business , and I could be way off-base, but there's a chance that all this abuse actually caused your condition, or made it much worse than it would ordinarily be. And I suppose this can be scary because there will probably be a lot of anger that might arise at some point. A lot of anger...a ton of confusion and hurt feelings. That's a big ball of wax to start unwrapping (pardon the mixed metaphor). So even acknowledging "Yes, they were extremely abusive" - is scary. But it's a great first step to take. It doesn't mean you have to hate them. It's a complicated relationship. A mix of feelings is entirely normal. There are a couple of books I recommend a lot, that I think might be helpful for you. One of them is "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel. It's really great for adults who grew up in abusive/neglectful environments. It also helps identify what some abuse is, in those respects, so it can help with the confusion and help gain clarity - as well as help with some practical guidance on what you can do for yourself to help yourself begin to heal. Another is "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine (not a workbook). I like this book for the way it's written. Boundaries are something that anyone who grew up in abuse will struggle with. And it's essential for healing and for becoming a healthy individual to really learn to identify and practice with them. It's an ongoing process - takes a long time - but this is really great information and I think would be of help. Don't worry about posting as much as you want, or about whatever you want. The people here are very understanding.
  12. Got another little card stuffed with 20s yesterday. (After their quarterly bonuses if they make their goal - but it's only the one manager that does this.) There was probably another in-between this and when I posted. I used that toward something I needed. But it still feels like crap. I feel like a whore. I feel horrible. I don't even want to touch it. It feels disrespectful. I've never held the kind of role where this would be considered "appropriate." It's a put-down that that's how they see me. I'm not as lowly as they seem to see me. They can't get it out of their heads. The stereotyping is so overwhelming. I still want to give it back. And to say something honest and ungraceful, like, "This makes me feel like a whore. It makes me feel disrespected. I'd rather be treated with respect and not put-down or made assumptions about or treated condescendingly as if I'm not a full-fledged person. Accepting this makes me feel complicit, like tacit acceptance...like bribery. None of you has treated me like the person I am or deserve to be treated as. This turns my stomach. I don't want your envelope of whore money. I'm not your whore." That's what I want to say. Well, there are more words that come to mind every moment. Words I can never say - to anyone - ever. Ever. Ever ever ever. Never. Just take it, and take it, and take it, because if I don't take it, my survival and my psyche are devastated by the words and actions they take against me which they then would feel justified. I just can't deal with anything anymore. It's not "just" this. It's too much to explain. Whore money. She thinks it's a nice thing and it doesn't feel like anything except a put-down, put-down put-down. Because it's not just this. It's .... just so much mental/psychological disrespect, as if I'm a monkey or a servant and never was or could be or would be anything else and I should know my place. Infantilized. Humiliated. Disrespected and treated as so much less-than. It's disgusting, especially at my age and with so much experience (which was insulted by them as if I'm stupid and ridiculous to think I'm not as worthless as they think I am). It's just difficult to stomach anymore.
  13. That's true. Each abuser may have a bit of a different type or strategy. I went from one type in ex-h to another type in a bf. The bf gave me a lot of "good" things, too - which made it more difficult to separate from - but he was appalled by the way my ex-h treated me. While being abusive (albeit of a different genre) himself. 6245, this guy gives me the willies. I sense trouble. :-\
  14. I think it bears thinking about this fear of making people angry by asserting one's own needs. Of course this is a complicated topic, lol, but someone from the old version of this forum used to suggest that I wouldn't turn into a pumpkin by doing so. The fear of making others angry is something that keeps you from meeting your own needs, and that is not something that you should own. You have a right to your own needs (just like anyone else). It"feels" bad, but that feeling is not a legitimate sign that you have actually done anything wrong. It takes practice to stop feeling that way. So the "doing" of it must come first. Even though it feels "wrong." That feeling is just incorrect "conditioning" when in fact you are not doing anything "wrong." I find it helps to talk to myself even iout loud, lol, to remind myself of that.
  15. I would be wary about asking him about this stuff. It tips him off to your awareness and gives him the opportunity to counter and manipulate you about it.