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Quaddie

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  1. Or, "You can't take a compliment" - or trying to tell you that it's your low self-esteem that won't"let" you take it as a compliment...
  2. He's likely not keeping track, he's just going to do it whenever. You shouldn't have to deal with this or use your energies to try to counter-strategize against his continued control. No matter what it seems like, this all keeps you "tied" to him, and engaging with him whether you intend it or not.
  3. Now he is stalking you at your meetings. The meetings are going to continue to be a point he will use to control and manipulate you. Now, even if he never makes actual contact, he's inserted himself into your head and made you uncomfortable that he might come by at any moment. He is not only manipulating your head this way, but also maintaining power-over by showing you he can still come by there and still mess with you at his will.
  4. You can filter his to go to trash, but there is probably a way to block them from coming through entirely. And you can delete trash without reading or even seeing the snippets. Protect yourself. Value your own health.
  5. Your instincts are correct. He is "love-bombing" you. He might die if he can't talk to you?? That's abnormal and unhealthy, pure manipulation. The things he's saying about you getting"hard" and him being a victim of your last relationship are pure manipulation, designed to control you. Him questioning you if your therapist agreed with him...That's really inappropriate, also highly manipulative and a boundary violation. In my opinion, it would be prudent to disconnect all communications with him and block him. He is, indeed, being manipulative and controlling, and is not a healthy thing for you to engage in. No explanation or discussion is required. Just something like, "I'm not going to talk to you anymore." (Notice, no apology - you have a right to decide on your own.) Then stop, and block. If you don't block him, you will receive a barrage of various types of hoovers and criticisms. Follow your instincts.
  6. This is a very unhealthy and emotionally dangerous "relationship." Also, masturbation is normal and healthy. If she is so far insecure and controlling about that...which btw is also a privacy issue and tramples your boundaries (which abusers love to do, by the way)... In my opinion, there's not really any chance of a mature, healthy relationship. Everything that's going on is all kinds of wrong. You'll end up in legal trouble from her machinations. Better to plan an escape on the sly.
  7. Fluffy? I know I keep saying this, but can you block him, and not look at the emails? It's for your own health and sanity...
  8. That's true - they don't see (or care to see) the "real you" - the actual person you are. So imo, being in a relationship with an abuser never was a relationship in the first place. They never really cared about the actual you inside.
  9. I think it helps more to think of it the other way around. Instead of it being that strangers get the better part of him... Try to remember that what they are getting is just a facade. It's fake - a mask he wears. What you get is the "true self" he's just covering up for others. So even if he did treat you the way he treated others - it wouldn't be real. He would still be thinking of you, inside, with disrespect. As not-a-person. He'd just be covering it up. And that...is not a relationship. Think about his: why would you want to give yourself to someone who doesn't really respect or care about you? That thought can put you back into the driver's seat on it, rather than thinking about why he only treats others with respect as if he gives you the cast-off leavings and cares about others more. His "caring about others more" only has to do with preserving his own image - it's not about caring or respect in any case.
  10. One incident in the middle of nowhere with driving extremely fast and recklessly in the middle of the night, because he was angry (because I'd gotten hurt I think? helping HIS friends put their folding chairs away after their wedding? which itself is weird)... That was one of the only 2 or 3 major red flags I'd had prior to marrying him. He never did it again, either. But it was a horrific experience. Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, wooded areas, prior to cell phones, driving like a demonic madman...
  11. I agree entirely with your perspective on the situation. Also, false accusations are a special pet peeve of mine >:( . Very upsetting.
  12. Oh and DON'T tell him any of this, or talk to him about his abuse. That will only work against you. Secret spy mission mode -get out as swiftly as possible.
  13. Yes AND....it needs to be said that this type of abuser -the kind who eggs on his target to hit him like that - this is a type who is also likely to use this against you. This is a very serious matter....several of our past members have experienced severe emotional trauma and very damaging life circumstances by the actions of this type of abuser. They egg a person on, then they call the police and have you arrested, and then it turns into a horrorshow of immense proportions. This isn't a rare thing. It's very, very serious and it happens without warning. So it's extremely important to get away from this guy asap -immediately if possible -to prevent any kind of harm whatsoever to you. Btw, there is no rule or need to "have a talk" with them, explain why you are leaving, or get them to understand or buy into it. It's unsafe to do this with an abuser, anyway. They only use your desire to be"considerate" as an opportunity to manipulate and control. Don't"have a talk." Don't try to get them to understand or agree. Short and clear. It can even be a text, post-it, email (then block him every which way immediately). "I am breaking up with you. The decision is made and I am not changing my mind. Please do not contact me or try to see me again." Boom.That's it. Then document everything. If he hangs around your place, write then time, date, circumstance, how long. Take pics if needed. Document document document. You may need the documentation if you need to apply for a restraining order. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The simple, clear, unmistakable and unapologetic breakup, then immediate blocking of communication. I've seen too many members here have their lives devastated by this type of abuser, to not be firm about this recommendation.
  14. It is "reactionary abuse" - he is pushing you and then taunting you into it. It's a clear signal that this relationship is abusive (by him) and unhealthy. It's not "your anger issues," it's his abuse and manipulation of you that is the problem. Breaking up is a unilateral decision. HE doesn't get to control whether or not you're allowed to break up with him. You don't have to ask him, or get his permission. Abuse is about control. What he's doing when he manipulates you back into the relationship is called "hoovering" (sucking you back in, like a vacuum cleaner). It's typical abuser behavior. That's why it's almost always best to go completely "no contact" when breaking up with an abuser. They often do this sort of thing. If someone follows you, that may be considered illegal stalking behavior. No one has a right to follow you everywhere and harass you into being with them. His promises to change, as you've already noticed, are empty - just ploys, manipulation to get you back. They're not real. You can decide to break up - and then break up, and not listen to his pleas. I can't write more right now, but there are things you can do to protect yourself mentally and psychologically from his further manipulation. Just try to remember that you are an individual person and you get to decide who you want to be with. Stalking you, begging you, that's sometimes portrayed as "romantic" in the movies and such - but in reality, it's abuse. Once you've told someone you don't want to be with them anymore, if they are healthy and respectful, they will leave you alone. They don't try to manipulate and control you back into a relationship. He doesn't get to call the shots or decide whether or not you are allowed to break up with him. He doesn't get to stalk you or manipulate you back. This is a very, very unhealthy relationship - he is verbally and psychologically abusive. Remember that abuse isn't about anger, it's about control. Abusers can even appear to be "nice" and still be abusive. So following you, stalking you, sitting outside your house are highly abusive and may even be illegal. You may think about calling the police or your local Domestic Violence agency for advice on what you can do. You are allowed to break up with him, block his number, block his social media accounts, never speak to him again, forbid him from waiting outside your home, and take appropriate action to protect yourself if he still does not leave you alone. You are entitled to an individual existence, on your own, as yourself - at your own decision. And just because someone seems really interested and tries extraordinary measures to get you back, is not an indication of passion or that they love or respect you, or that you should give it another try - or that you even have to listen to them. You don't. You are in charge of your own being and your own choices. You get to ignore him and protect yourself. You get to decide who you want to be with. It's your life, and this person is making you feel bad. That's not love or a healthy relationship at all. Even if it's only "sometimes." You're not the problem here. He is.
  15. Whoever she is - whether she's the must successful coke-addict businessperson, or a meth addict who lives on the street - she is still just his next victim. It probably is not to get a rise out of you - his needs are more immediate than that. You should have seen the ogre my ex replaced me with. Cross between jabba the hutt and that Mucinex mucus blob. Not kidding. Oh, and she herself was horribly abusive. A hideous person inside. Anyway - no, the usually can't be alone. They need supply. They need their needs met. They need someone to reflect back to them who they think they are. So no matter who they choose, it's really no reflection on or anything to do with you. Yes, they do play games and there might be a manipulative payback factor to him, but really it's all just a game that you don't need to stoop to it occupying your mind. See, when you think about her and what kind of person she is, and how he looks being with her, or his reasons for being with her... do you see how he is still controlling your head? So if he is doing it to "get at you" - it's working. And if he's not doing it for that... you're using precious brainspace and your mental and psychological energies on him. What are you doing to grow your own interests? What new things are you engaging in - maybe that you couldn't do while you were with him? Fill that space with healthy things that bring you happiness and develop your own soul.