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Quaddie

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  1. If he files with the court for custody you would be notified somehow, but if his attorney does not have your address, that makes things difficult. I don't have any advice on that. Your attorney might be able to be the go-between. If your h has no address for you then there are alternate "notice" methods he would have to fulfill, but you might miss them. A clean break and not communicating with his mother would probably be safest. I wouldn't be able to advise on how to keep tabs on his location beyond ways you probably already know about or that are legal.
  2. Oh and of course also make sure your privacy settings are all "friends only" and not "friends of friends" (or public, of course). Including images/profile pictures.
  3. Unfortunately I think the members who really knew this stuff best, no longer post. But if you make sure Location Services are off on your phone, that's your best bet, for all things. Never allow it for any program. If you have to temporarily allow it, immediately turn it off. For FB, make sure there is nothing in your profile or settings identifying your location. Make sure your public profile does not show anything. Never allow it to check in anywhere. Try looking at your profile and messaging from another account that isn't your "friend." (You can make a fake account just for this purpose and NOT friend yourself.) Check it every which way. Never "check in" anywhere. FB messenger is a weird app. I'd avoid it if I were you, I just don't trust it. But if there is nothing in your FB profile identifying location, and you have no location service on, then it probably can't locate you that way. BEST BET, though, is to delete your current account and start a new one, not using your real name and not one that's easily guessable. Do not allow anything public. Texting, maybe but probably not unless the other person is in TARU or something. But don't take my word for it at all. There may be ways to open texts in programs and look in the code - I really do not know, but I'm guessing not, unless your location service is turned on. HOWEVER. All this being said. It's possible that there is a hidden locator app installed in your phone if he has every had any means to have access to it. To really disappear you should get a new phone and probably on a different account and service entirely. You should also have a professional check your vehicle for tracking devices. (Not kidding, we have had members...) Any other digital devices such as laptops or tablets - you should either replace entirely, or wipe clean - not just delete files, but re-initialize to factory settings. Go through your purse or discard it and your wallet or anything else you typically carry with you, in case anything might be embedded into a lining. I know this all sounds extreme but ... better safe than sorry, and if you are concerned, if nothing else it will make you feel better. And it doesn't hurt to err on the side of safety.
  4. Children who live in an abusive household have much less chance of growing up healthy, than if they have one household with one parent that is abuse-free. Many members have thought if they stayed they could protect their children better. What happens is that the children grow up without any perspective that abuse isn't normal. They are very badly impacted by the abuse. It's much healthier for them to have at least one household that is not abusive - it helps them gain a barometer about abuse, helps prevent them from either becoming abusive or being targets of abuse their entire life, is just on the whole healthier. Bottom line: staying will not protect your son. On the contrary, it keeps him in an abusive environment 100% of the time. As for custody and scheduling - with an abuser, you never ever just leave that up to their own will. It gets spelled out in legal documents that they must comply with. Yeah,they may fight, but that's not unusual. So I think the best way is to go into the negotiation asking for the moon. Like you really want it all. Then when you "concede" to a lesser amount, they feel like they've "won." And if issues arise later - well, you will find ways to deal with them, then. One thing at a time. It's just another step to go through. These concerns are totally normal, but not something that should keep you from moving forward. You will find that there will be a new "normal" that is healthier for both of you - it takes walking through a rocky path to get there, but it's there.
  5. Sad

    If you need, for your own mental safety, to withhold information and not tell certain people things - then that's wise. If telling people these things make you doubt yourself, then they are not supportive and not helpful. If someone really cares about you, they would be encouraging and would want you to be happy. Also, if your new counselor doesn't think it's the "best thing" for you to pursue - keep looking. Nobody - and I mean nobody - should encourage you to stay in a relationship with a person who makes you feel unhappy. For any reason! Everyone has the inherent right to choose who they want to be with. Who they live with, who they want to spend their time and their life with. That choice is yours, and yours alone. It's nobody else's business. YOU are the only one who feels your own self and your own soul. YOU are the only one qualified to make this judgment, this choice. Unfortunately, with your sister and your friend, you are banging your head against a brick wall. They believe what they want to believe. And you know what? It's sort of condescending and insulting, I think, to assume you don't know enough about your own life and aren't wise enough or adult enough to make this decision for yourself. People who respect others also respect their decisions. Sometimes it hurts less to disengage from such people. I had to, too, with my own family treating me this way. I was never, ever seen as an "adult." Always "less-than." It's incredibly negating and hurtful. I'm sorry
  6. That's great! Congratulations!!! Big step!!! You should feel proud of yourself.
  7. Because they don't care if you want them, or not. You're supposed to be their thingie. To do and be for them. You're not a separate, unique individual whose desires and needs matter apart from fulfilling their own. They don't see or respect you as a separate, unique individual.
  8. That's typical - they truly do live in a different sort of reality created by their mindset. (In fact, I just wrote about that in another post, lol.) Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? They can advise you of your rights in getting her to leave. Meantime, you're probably safe in saying, "Yes, I'm not changing my mind. You have until _________ date to move out." If you don't give her a deadline (and stick to it, and have the means to somehow stick to it)... then they will stay forever. Witness we have members who broke up with their partners months or year(s) ago and the abuser is still living with them and won't leave. You may need to move and get rid of the home out from under her. It may be worth it - something to consider.
  9. You can leave a note but I too would strongly recommend it be very brief, concise, factual and unemotional. Telling them they are abusive or calling them out does you no good at all, and nearly always backfires and makes things worse for you later. Suggesting therapy - same thing, it will backfire and therapy won't help them, anyway. They'd have to want to see and understand there is something wrong with them, and they're not really capable of doing that. This is not fixable. So just something brief, no-nonsense and utterly clear, like, "This marriage isn't working, and hasn't for a long time. I am separating from you. I've made up my mind and will not change it. Please do not attempt to contact me or try to change my mind. (Then if there is a brief statement about the kids or something.) I (or - my attorney) will contact you with next steps. Take care, Gone." ON THE OTHER HAND - some members do feel it's better to act as if it's a temporary separation and then have that morph into permanent. It's really your call and your feeling for what is the best scenario for your particular situation. However, saying it's temporary can open the door into more hoovering and the abuser truly will not respect the boundaries and will presume you are coming back. Making a swift, clean break is usually "easier," but you can decide whichever feels safer. Regarding that loan, again if you haven't had a lawyer's advice on it and especially if you're in a community property state, you may need to give up half. You want to keep your "hands clean" so that he has nothing real to come at you about.
  10. Also, Confused... how do you feel when he says these things? (If you're not sure, that's okay and normal too - but try to start noticing and trying to identify how you feel.) When he calls you a "pet" name that's about your weight, do you feel insulted? That's because it's insulting. When he makes that gesture about your belly, do you feel put-down and hurt? That's because he's putting you down, and it's hurtful. Your feelings aren't something that you should disregard and try to logic yourself out of. They are valid. And you have a right to feel your feelings. No, it's not his business - but even more, it is hurtful and that's not how a person who supposedly cares about you, treats you. You deserve to be treated with kindness, caring and consideration. Not to be insulted, put-down, ridiculed.
  11. Confused, that's not even particularly covert abuse - it's pretty overt. Name calling, teasing, ridicule even if they say it as if they are "joking" - is abuse. The gesture about your stomach is cruel and overt abuse. Covert would be something that an onlooker wouldn't necessarily see as "wrong," but that you feel or know through the context or other "hidden" signals is abuse. An onlooker would know that him making fun of you about your weight is abusive and cruel. Most people know that "pet" names including sensitive topics like weight are not cute or okay. So imo, this is all overt abuse. Anyone would rightfully feel angry and upset at being subjected to these things. They are not "normal" or healthy or a typical part of what is supposed to be a loving, caring relationship. Oh AND - if you've asked someone who supposedly cares about you to stop doing something that you find hurtful, and they keep doing it anyway - that itself is abusive. It's completely disrespectful and disregarding you as a person. It's the opposite of caring. It's bullying and cruel.
  12. I hear ya. I'm on a "break" between jobs. There was abuse in the last one and it tended to take over my brain. (On top of still trauma from the one before, even though it was years ago.) I do not WANT my only vacation in years (and it's just a few days!) to be consumed by all the crap I just left... but it's like I can't get it out of my brain. Even though I don't want it to, I can't focus on what I'd intended to do with this time off. It's so frustrating. Abuse really effs with the head...
  13. No, it's a very good analogy! (I wish you'd try to stop putting down your thoughts, k? ) I actually have experienced this in the workplace. A boss I just left, you could see the look in her eye when she was honing in on an internal spot she could mess with and manipulate. She'd kind of squint her eyes and get a look of almost malevolent pleasure from it. Like, "Ah-hah! NOW I've got you, heh heh heh...." (I'd asked a co-worker and she'd noticed it, too.) Usually when I'd bring, for example, a personnel issue to her and she'd first play like she was being all nice and understanding and want to fix it and care about the team and blahblahblah. Then she'd bring someone else into the convo - she'd hone in on something you said that gave her clues as to how to really turn it into being all your fault - and she'd turn on a dime, it'd turn into something else entirely, blame-shifting and kitchen-sinking and all kinds of Effing with your head, and you'd end up with things all messed up in your head not really knowing what just happened. When you'd done nothing wrong at all. Because on the surface it seemed like everything was better, and at first you'd feel like something productive occurred. Then you'd be, say, driving home and stuff would begin to hit you... and hours, days, months later... or wake up in the middle of the night with it churning helplessly in your head. But hey, everything was resolved and we're all one big happy family now! Right? Now that you've been put back in your place and scrambled and scapegoated, that is... Yeah....... It's basically the same thing that happens in counseling with an abuser, too. So never do that.
  14. LoL I cross-posted with Melinoe and we kind of said some of the same things. But she said more about focusing on you, and that's super-important. A shift from forming your feelings about yourself by what you perceive to be reflected from others..... into forming your feelings about yourself from within yourself, because of how you feel in the world. Doing things you enjoy is super-super important...
  15. I think the beginning of this, a good thing to do is "self-talk." I'm not good at explaining but there are a lot of resources out there. (I bought a book but I never read it so I don't know if I can recommended it, lol, but it's called something like "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself.") First you have to make a list of a few - not more than 3 or 5, I think is best, "affirmations" or short sentences that are the opposite of what you fear you are. I posted them by my computer at home. Read them out loud to yourself several times a day, even if it feels stupid. Then, you have to start noticing when you are thinking the derogatory thoughts about yourself. Notice it and try to reframe it in your head as if someone else said it to you. Then, act as your own "mom" (or other supportive person who would "go to bat" for you) - still in your head - and tell the "someone else" that they are full of sh!t and that you are (kind, intelligent, whatever the appropriate positive phrase would be). So basically, you turn the "negative voice" in your head into something that's not you - and answer it FROM you, with a contradiction. It takes practice to recognize and notice and take action when these thoughts come in. I also really liked the book - someone in this forum recommended it - "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber. There's some spiritual stuff in there but I skipped that part and still got good things from it. Another thing you need to do is, to do things you enjoy and feel you are good at. THEN - praise yourself inwardly. Go ahead. Do it. Or even if you feel like you didn't do anything right - find some tiny aspect to give yourself praise about. Every day. For example, if I am feeling like I accomplished absolutely nothing in a day, I might tell myself, "Well, you did do ____, and _____, and that did help make your life a bit better, right?" As for trusting others to like you? I think there comes a point where it's not as important to have others like you. Once it doesn't feel as important to get others to like you, then you tend to feel more comfortable around others. And you can also "logic" with the thinking you are competent. What logical reasons would you have to believe they think you are competent. Did you get assigned a project because you're trusted to get it done? Do you receive any words of praise for your work? (If not, perhaps it's not the right workplace for you - but trust me, I do understand that in this mental state it's pretty hard to job-hunt.......BTDT, yup, BTDT...) And as for people believing you are decent? That's not something that anyone can control about anyone. So again, I think that's the sort of thing that when you stop caring about that, that's what's important. It's the stopping-caring, not the believing in what they think of you, that matters. I have been through this pretty badly - kind of going through it again, but in an unchangeable physical way..... so I think I get where you're coming from. It takes practice and time and repetition of "good" things to put more on that side of your brain... the side that thinks negatives gets outweighed eventually and you start to feel better. And it doesn't have to come from others... it can come from inside you.