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Quaddie

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  1. I'm glad to hear that, Hangin.
  2. What Vickeee said. He is being controlling. It's not supposed to be like you're afraid to talk about finances or "he's the boss" and you just go along. It should be discussed and agreed as partners. Also, since part of this is apparently a penalty from ah IRA withdrawal to assist your daughter, is there any way your daughter can assist in paying that? It would be okay to expect her to help even if she has to restrict expenditures as well.
  3. What WB said. Also, repairing things like that is just what normal people do. He doesn't deserve a gold star or extra consideration just because he did something he should do in the first place. A "thank you?" Yes. Undying gratitude as if this makes a person especially caring? Nope. He doesn't deserve it.
  4. Omg the asleep thing again. I'm sure sleep-raping is a real and excusable thing, right? No. Here's a little story. A Story by Mr. B.S. "Blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH blah blah blah blah. Me me me I've changed look how well I can confuse you and try to make you believe me because I don't want to lose my thingie even though I'm a sociopath and I even say so but you're supposed to be okay with that because this is how sociopaths show they care, and excuse me I was just sleeping. Blah blah blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Blah blah." (hah I thought of that "story" before I read you saying it was all just words.) WB - The thing is - nothing's ever going to be truth. He sees the world so differently. The truth is just whatever he thinks he can say and manipulate. Is there a truth would you hear that would change how you feel about him? Is there a truth you could hear from him, that would make all the bad and hurt and fear and disgust fall away and make it all better? What truth would that be? Or which truth could you hear, that would make you decide this is definitely making you unhappy and that you don't want to be this unhappy and conflicted anymore and that you'd like to be free of this pressure and conflict and angst? And... another question. If you really felt convinced that he really did love you (which I think you know is not even possible, but let's put that aside for the moment).... If you really felt he loved you, would that magically make all the hurt and bad and lies and empty promises and physical assault all okay? If you felt he loved you, could you truly believe that he only violated you because he was asleep? If you felt he loved you and suddenly could 100% believe in it - if there was a magic truth that made that happen - would it change how you felt about the way you've been treated? Would it change how you feel in this relationship? Would it make you suddenly happy? I don't mean to be all Zenmaster but.... the answers are right in front of you...
  5. I'm so glad it went well and that you decided to go.
  6. Gaslighting - being manipulated. It makes you doubt your own perceptions and reality. It's not your "fault" - for what it's worth...
  7. Please do not apologize for venting. You have a right and there's nothing wrong with anything you said and there is no need to apologize. You do deserve to be loved - and whether or not you do love deeply. Just as a basic right. You do deserve compassion - and whether or not you offer yours til the end of days. He's been using you for an object all this time, as an emblem. A symbol and a worker. That's a very painful realization. I'm so sorry... You're a human and you don't need to earn the right in some sociopath's eyes to be loved and seen and cared-about. And yes, I agree that he's telling you in a bunch of different ways that he's identifying as a sociopath, and "lookie how much I care because a sociopath only does this as their manner of caring." (Which bah humbug - they only do it because they don't want the consequences if they don't. That's what the "caring" is - the dislike of losing their status-quo. Not true relationship, love-caring.)
  8. First of all, WB, I'm sorry I don't have a good head on my shoulders to speak to a lot of what you've talked about in this thread. So I'm kind of limiting myself to this. I'm not sure if you realize that this is sort of backwards... and again, not a good head so I'm not sure I'll explain it well, but here goes. He treated you badly because he's an @33hole. You don't treat the person you've promised to care for badly unless you're an @33hole. So really the questions you asked him about why he treated you badly - are moot. There's no justification, so the answer really doesn't matter. It's just plain not-okay. Secondly - how DARE he be "disappointed" in you - as if you're a child who didn't do her room cleanup to his exacting standards! Disappointed??? This is not a way we describe our partner who we know as a person and care about. You were a disappointment to him?? How dare he! (I'm angry and aghast and offended and - another word I can't pinpoint - on your behalf.) You didn't live up to his expectations?!? What the fricken fluck?!? He is judge and jury and found you deficient? Inferior?? AN INFERIOR VERSION OF THE "WB" HE THOUGHT HE WAS CREATING IN HIS HEAD??!?! So then he clearly treated you that way to try to get you to conform to the person he thought you should be (for him). (And not in a way or degree that is present in normal relationships, so let's not even go there.) ABUSE IS CONTROL. Manipulation! So even when he's not being "abusive" (read "angry/nasty") - remember he's still being manipulative and controlling. Just by telling you he's changed, he's not that way anymore - that's controlling! That's manipulative! Because if a person really does "change" and allow you to be a person on your own and to feel however you feel, they will understand that you get to judge how you feel about someone for yourself. No, he is not that. WB, I'm sorry I don't have words to describe just how very extremely f'd up I think it is that he was telling you these things - and not only that he told you, but that he felt that way and that he thinks it's okay to have not only treated you that way but now to TELL you he felt that way. It has nothing to do with whether he's telling the truth or whether he hid this "truth" before and that being truthful makes him better. It has everything to do with this is very inappropriate and uncaring and horrible - horrible (imo) - to feel about and to tell the person you supposedly love. You know it doesn't really matter whether you can point to a behavior and say "That's abusive!" to determine whether you permit yourself to follow a different path. What matters is that being with him makes you feel like crap. Being with him makes you constantly feel bad about yourself and second-guess yourself and wonder and think and hope and then get hopes-dashed and then it's a constant maelstrom of insecurity and discomfort. That ALONE makes it clear this is an abusive relationship. One cannot listen to the abuser spout off about how they have "changed." It is not their position to judge their own changedness. And oh, in describing this "change" is he now all holy and forgiving and understanding that you're just not the person he would have wanted? OMG, that is so soul-shaking. To be told these things. It's pretty horrible, in my book. He clearly views your wifeness as a job you've not performed correctly. But whereas this past control behaviors (anger, over abuse, etc) didn't work, he's gained a window into other things that might work so he's trying to get his wifeything to perform correctly by pretending he knows he was bad and he assumes his proclamation of self-understanding and "change" and "now he doesn't think that way anymore" <barf choke gag ball-kick> is supposed to manipulate you back into trying harder to be with him again. It's alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll control and manipulation and NO LOVE OR GENUINE CARING. Gawd. He sickens and angers me. So once you get beyond the betrayal of his lying all these years, I hope you can feel the righteous indignation (yeah, that's the word I was looking for!) that he f'd with you all these years - not by not-telling-the-truth but by his "disappointment" and his judgments of your "not living up to his expectations" and his not-caring about you and his manipulations and his control <-- which is all abuse and continues to this day. I'm so sorry, WB. He makes me sick. In my book, those are sick things to feel about your partner and to say (and to expect them to be thought legit! brownie points for his "truth"???) How belittling and negating and grotesque, imo. Sorry I went off on a rant. Sorry not sorry. Someone needs to get righteously up in his grill about his B.S. But he will never, ever, EVER "get it." He thinks this is all okay. He thinks he's golden for his grand admission. He thinks it's a positive to show that he's changed. When in reality it shows just how twisted he really is.
  9. What's been important for me has been in learning to identify and fulfill my own needs. It sounds like an obvious skill, but developing as a person without ever being able to validate or not-suppress my own needs meant I had to consciously learn how to pay attention to my internal voices and learn to honor them. (Still a struggle because my needs are in direct opposition to survival, but whatever...) Also i learn how to recognize the suppressive voices (may be"rules" in your previous life, or things people said, or anything( and consciously choose to overcome them. For example, a stupid thing was I never felt allowed to eat lunch out or whatever if I had food at home. So I'd go out running errands but feel compelled to complete them before I could eat lunch because I felt I had to go home to eat lunch. I didn't feel i could take the time & spend a few bucks to eat at mcd's or whatever. So I would suppress my hunger or hurry through my errands and not do certain things because of this weird "rule" that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but which I wasn't even AWARE of, that it was controlling me, for the longest time. So it's important to learn how to check in with oneself and really try to ferret out and honor one's needs. As for the meetings....I'm afraid there might not be an option besides finding another group. To protect your own self and mental safety it's important to have freedom away from the spectre of him. You can never feel that way as long as there is a possibility he will show up. That's like a nightmare. Taking your own needs into your own hands sometimes means making some really tough and upsetting choices, unfortunately.
  10. You do not deserve it. NO ONE brings abuse upon themselves. Abuse is not acceptable. Unfortunately as they already noted, counseling is not a good idea with abusive relationships. There are a lot of reasons for this. One is because counselors usually come at it with a "shared responsibility" perspective. When there is abuse the power dynamic in the relationship is never 50/50 and so apportioning any responsibility for the "bad parts" of the relationship only feeds into the abuser's sense of entitlement. It makes him feel more empowered and gives him fodder to use against you. And use it against you he will. Between that and the counselor trying to point responsibility onto you for whatever minor part of the relationship you might be (normally) imperfect in, is guaranteed to completely confuse you and make you feel worse and less clear about what is going on. So the abuse doesn't actually get better and you end up getting blamed more and the abuser feels entitled and validated. This is what almost always happens in counseling with an abuser. So it feels like it would "help" - we all have been there, wanting desperately to have someone "on our side" to help get him to "see" - but because abusers' minds don't operate in a "typical" way, it doesn't help - it only makes things worse. They will never "see." There is no big light bulb of enlightenment that turns on inside their heads to make them "get" what they are doing is wrong and hurting you. For one thing, they don't care that they are hurting you. They want to hurt you! It serves their purpose. So unlike a normal, caring person - if you tell them "this hurts me" they will want to stop because they don't want to hurt you. But in an abuser's mind, your hurt feeds their ability to control. Abuse is about control and manipulation. So they might be thinking unconsciously, "Oh good, I've got her where I want her." Yet they view you as "their object." You are their thingie. Not a person who they really care about as an individual. They typically don't even see you as an individual with your own rights to your own desires and needs. In a healthy relationship, each sees and acknowledges and cares about supporting their partners and what makes their partner happy. But in an abusive relationship, the target is just basically a "thing." You're supposed to act as he wants you to, be for him and what he wants. We use the "toaster" analogy because it fits. You're basically his toaster. Your job is to make him toast. If you malfunction and stop making toast, he'll do whatever he has to to get you back to functioning correctly. Therefore, if an abuser senses he might lose his "thingie"- his toaster - he will often appear to make changes, or say or do whatever it takes to get his toaster to work again. So if you say something hurts you - there's a chance he might try to appear to alter his behavior in order to keep you from leaving. But that's just manipulation. Its' not because he actually cares about hurting you - it's because he doesn't want to lose his toaster thingie. It's too hard to find and train another toaster, so he'd rather keep the one he's got. So please by all things holy, do not try to do counseling with him - it is almost always disastrous and gets the opposite effect of what you think it will. Yes, do read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - it's extremely enlightening. But whatever you do - keep it secret. Do NOT share any information, tidbits or ANYTHING with him. Don't tell him he's abusive (he'll just turn it back around on you). They learn the technical terms of abuse and then twist them back around onto you to use against you. It's emotional and verbal warfare. So back to your original question. For one thing, from an abuser, an apology means absolutely nothing. So even if you get it - it's meaningless. You gain nothing. Just some words. It doesn't make anything better. It doesn't mean he understands or acknowledges he did anything wrong. It means absolutely nothing. So the bigger picture is that you are in an abusive relationship and being abused. And frankly no one likes being used as a sexual object - which is what he is doing. Telling you that he should be able to get it whenever he wants it is clear evidence that he views you as "his object." It's disgusting and no, no one likes being treated like that. So you're completely valid to not want to be treated that way. In fact, there's nothing really romantic or sexy about being abused. So it's normal to not want to have sex with them at all. In order to want to have sex with someone, a person would want to feel good about themselves and good about the person you're doing it with. In abuse, none of that exists. So the actual premise of your question - whether it's wrong to withhold sex to get an apology - is really kind of moot. In fact, I really hate the "withholding sex" term at all when it comes to being applied onto the target of abuse. Abusers will accuse you of this - or society will make you feel like you're "withholding sex" - but to me it implies you have some sort of duty or obligation to perform sex as if you are his sex thingie. And you don't, and you're not. So you're not actually "withholding sex" (as if you are obligated to give this to him and just refusing to!) - In reality, you just don't want to have sex with him because he's an abusive jerk who cuts you down and controls and manipulates you and blames his own behaviors on you and treats you like a piece of crap instead of a loving, caring partner. So that is the real issue. And you have every right to not want to have sex with someone! You have ultimate dominion over your body and sexuality. He doesn't have a "right" that you are "taking away." He doesn't have a "right" to use you how he sees fit, no matter what happens. Please do read the book - in private, and keep it to yourself - keep everything you learn about abuse to yourself. This is extremely important. Think about sharing it with him as being read the Miranda - "Anything you say can and will be used against you." Because it will. So honor yourself and keep yourself emotionally safe and start to build up your own personal boundaries by keeping this information strictly to yourself.
  11. He won't be responsible... he's going to ignore (or pretend to ignore). Those are his stripes, and he is a zebra. Abusers' minds do not operate the way that "typical" people's do. It can drive you nuts trying to make it fit into a "normal" type of framework. His behaviors and the way his brain works is never going to be not-weird, not-shocking. So the only way to prevent damage to your own self is to practice stepping outside of it mattering to you. The fact of it mattering to you keeps you tied to him. It's really hard to disconnect from it.... it takes practice and time. But the first step, I think, is to try to wean the self off of expecting "normal" from these folks. The sooner you can really, really internally grasp that he's not going to behave the way a normal person might, the sooner it will stop having this shock value and it will give you those parts of your energies and mind back. This is why no contact is so incredibly important. It really cannot be stressed enough. Any little slip into a crack or a crevice will be damaging to you. (Remember also the "ignoring or pretending to ignore"...remember that they are alllllllllll about control and manipulation. It's a tactic. Any thought that starts with "he thinks" or "he won't" is trying to apply "normal" onto him, which is bound to just be frustrating and painful for you...)
  12. For one thing, he may be lying. For another - you sent him back the envelope. That's it, done, finished, wipe your hands of it. What he does with it now doesn't have any impact on you or your life... but to think and wonder about it has negative impact on you. Really, the more separated you can become from him - and from what he does, or doesn't do - the healthier and better you will feel.
  13. Oh yes. No, you haven't made a mistake. You can re-block him and return it and get your own self-ness back again. Really, the very very best thing you can do for your own health is to not look at anything he gives or says or sends, just blockade it all out of your life like he's the enemy throwing grenades into your castle wall....because that's exactly what he's doing.
  14. There's no way to get through to or present a rational conversation about such things with someone who has an abusive mindset. It's like beating your head against a brick wall....then they take your head and mangle it and tell you that it's your own fault.
  15. Jayla - welcome to Our Place, sorry you had to find us. This sounds exactly like verbal abuse. He is manipulative and controlling, and angry, and disrespectful, and blaming. It's allllllll part of the abuse package. (Anger doesn't have to be part of it, but in this case it is.) No, it's NOT your responsibility to "find a better way to communicate things to him so that he doesn't get so angry." You are not responsible for being his emotional control valve. Nope. Blaming you for his reaction - turning things around onto you - twisting conversations until you can't tell and don't notice until later - are all hallmarks of verbal abuse. And this? This is just outrageous: That is SO not "on you." That's completely 100% his own responsibility. I want to say, how dare he turn that around and blame you. Your money is your money, anyway. It's not his right to get angry at you about it! Even if you mess up! No no no no no! He doesn't have the right. That's not how healthy, caring relationships work. Unfortunately, no one can "fix" abuse. The issues are inside the abuser's head in such a way they're hardwired in. They color everything about the way they navigate the world. Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - but keep it private, to yourself. Whatever you do, do not share information about abuse with your bf. It might seem like you could tell him what's going on and it might be a stepstone to "fixing it" - but in reality, what happens is that they use it against you. It just makes matters worse. So learn about abuse, but keep what you learn entirely to yourself. That's the only way to keep yourself safe. A relationship is supposed to be a healthy partnership. This isn't what a relationship is supposed to "look like." Even if it seems good some or even most of the time. Most abusive relationships are "good" some of the time, or even most of the time - or else nobody would stay in them, trying to make things better, twisting themselves into knots and losing themselves in the process. You deserve better. As you learn, you'll find that the "good" parts are really basically a mask of what's truly inside him. The angry/controlling parts you see are what's really underneath. That's his true self. It's not like he's truly a great, kind person who occasionally flips out. The behaviors you see (which, btw, are very damaging to you - the longer you stay in the relationship, the more damaging they'll be)... those are who he truly is. That's when his true self is revealed.