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Quaddie

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  1. There's no way to get through to or present a rational conversation about such things with someone who has an abusive mindset. It's like beating your head against a brick wall....then they take your head and mangle it and tell you that it's your own fault.
  2. Jayla - welcome to Our Place, sorry you had to find us. This sounds exactly like verbal abuse. He is manipulative and controlling, and angry, and disrespectful, and blaming. It's allllllll part of the abuse package. (Anger doesn't have to be part of it, but in this case it is.) No, it's NOT your responsibility to "find a better way to communicate things to him so that he doesn't get so angry." You are not responsible for being his emotional control valve. Nope. Blaming you for his reaction - turning things around onto you - twisting conversations until you can't tell and don't notice until later - are all hallmarks of verbal abuse. And this? This is just outrageous: That is SO not "on you." That's completely 100% his own responsibility. I want to say, how dare he turn that around and blame you. Your money is your money, anyway. It's not his right to get angry at you about it! Even if you mess up! No no no no no! He doesn't have the right. That's not how healthy, caring relationships work. Unfortunately, no one can "fix" abuse. The issues are inside the abuser's head in such a way they're hardwired in. They color everything about the way they navigate the world. Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - but keep it private, to yourself. Whatever you do, do not share information about abuse with your bf. It might seem like you could tell him what's going on and it might be a stepstone to "fixing it" - but in reality, what happens is that they use it against you. It just makes matters worse. So learn about abuse, but keep what you learn entirely to yourself. That's the only way to keep yourself safe. A relationship is supposed to be a healthy partnership. This isn't what a relationship is supposed to "look like." Even if it seems good some or even most of the time. Most abusive relationships are "good" some of the time, or even most of the time - or else nobody would stay in them, trying to make things better, twisting themselves into knots and losing themselves in the process. You deserve better. As you learn, you'll find that the "good" parts are really basically a mask of what's truly inside him. The angry/controlling parts you see are what's really underneath. That's his true self. It's not like he's truly a great, kind person who occasionally flips out. The behaviors you see (which, btw, are very damaging to you - the longer you stay in the relationship, the more damaging they'll be)... those are who he truly is. That's when his true self is revealed.
  3. Oh yes, the everything-you-say-and-do-comes-from-some-malicious-intent trap. I know that one well. :-\ It can drive a person crazy. Make you beg and plead and scream and shout and dissolve into a puddle on the floor with desperate tears, pleading that's not who I am! if you'd only SEE! But they never will. They create an apparition of a non-person. And you're right - we tend to apply normal attributes onto them. But it's not because we're deficient, it's because we're normal and we think other people are, too. It's hard to wrap the brain around the way their minds work.
  4. I'm sorry, it feels horrible.
  5. I can relate to this feeling. As a result, I have learned very strong boundaries. It, however, still takes me awhile to recognize that "feeling of having been violated." In my situations, I am rarely if ever able or allowed to rectify or even stand up against it - if I try, it is turned around and used against me with further violations. It is a very horrible feeling. I've described it as feeling "mentally raped." I don't know how else to describe it, although I've received angry response sometimes for using that phrase. Also a counselor (who I quit) was aghast at my strong reaction and basically told me "But you could have controlled it" - "you didn't have to put up with that!" as if I had an option to just walk out the door and still survive (I didn't!), as if doing so wouldn't have subjected me to circumstances that were impossible to my life AND my ptsd. (She wasn't a good counselor.) But that kind of reaction just adds to the feelings of violation. I really like the book "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine in part because she calls them "violations" and it's.....validating?.....to realize it's a "real thing." Like, it's okay to feel that way - it's legitimate - because they are violations.
  6. Yup. It's a hoover. His goal = hoover. Remember I said to block him every which way but expect the hoovers? This is what they do. It's pathetically predictable. I know it seems like an impossible thing, to separate yourself from what he says... but try not to take it personally. Nothing he says or does really has anything to do with you. He never "saw you" as a person in the first place. So nothing he says or does is about you, or what you do or how you are. He doesn't even see you. I think this is both one of the most difficult parts about having been in a relationship with an abuser - and the most freeing, as well. Because it was never "you" they were in a relationship with, in the first place. It was just some blob placeholder human that he felt he could mold and shape into being his thingie. His toaster. So now, he's like a haywire robot just turning and flipping and flailing around crazily trying to get his toaster back so things can be "normal" for him again. Actually I think that's a really good visual analogy. Picture a haywire robot flipping out, spinning and its programming frying, repeating random words and phrases as they come into its pseudo-neural pathways. That's all he's doing. Just throwing things "out there," spinning out like a robot with a missing connection. And he'll say and do anything - no matter how much it doesn't make sense - to get you back engaging with him. Because from there it's just a short trip to get you back to him. (But remember, he doesn't want you back because he cares or loves you, or because it's romantic - it's because you're a missing object of his and he wants his toaster back and functioning properly again.) So reading his blatherings and trying to figure them out - for one thing, it's pointless because it's not going to make logical sense. But a "normal" person ties their brain into knots trying to make it make sense. So it's important to try to let go of trying to find meaning and sense in what they say. It's not going to have true meaning or sense. It's just word spew. And reading it, and trying to figure it out - is exactly his goal. Reading it - keeps you engaging with him. It keeps you tied to him. Trying to figure out what he means - letting it marinate in your head, trying to make sense out of it, trying to figure out if he has a point or what he did or didn't do, or whether he was busy or not-busy or any of it.... all that, it keeps you engaging with him. It keeps him in your head. As long as he's in your head that way, he's getting what he wants. And he's still keeping you from being able to be wholly you - as an individual, separate and apart from him. It's like he has tentacles made of thought, and he's injected thought-toxins into your bloodstream via that email. So now they're swimming around in you, keeping him tied to you, and that's exactly his purpose - and it's exactly the opposite of what's good and healthy for you. It takes time and practice, but learning that these words are really nothing to do with you whatsoever, and preventing yourself from reading or engaging with him anymore... and not even having the curiosity to do so... will be your saving grace. Here's a poem. A Hoover's a Hoover, No Matter What How (c) 2016 - by me A Hoover can come in all shaping and sizing And means and degrees of its dramatizing Some cry, or threaten, And some fight all night And some make big promises, seeming contrite Some look like puppies, all big-eyed and sad Some will confuse, say it wasn't that bad Some say you're crazy, some make a flap and Some just pretend that it never happened But never forget that a hoover's a trap Devised so you'll stay or so that you'll go back
  7. Good for you!! Stay determined. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. Now your time is yours, you can focus on your deadline and what you want from life.
  8. You don't have to talk to him on the phone. You don't have to explain anything at all. In fact, trying to do so would just give him the opportunity to mess with your head. So - no conversation required or desired. You can definitely break up with him with a text. You can say something very brief and completely clear, like "I'm breaking up with you, I've made up my mind and I'm not changing it. Please don't try to contact me. Goodbye." Then block him every which way - and expect the hoovers - but be firm and know that you're doing the right thing for you. And that's all that matters. What he thinks doesn't matter. You get to decide your life and who you give your precious time and caring to.
  9. Unfortunately, you may need to find another meeting. Somewhere he doesn't know about. Even when you think you're ignoring him, he's still coloring your experience. He's still there, and it still "controls" you in some manner. And there will always be discomfort and apprehension. You cannot be free to be you,yourself as a separate being. It sucks, but it'd be better to have your own world that he's not part of and can't force his way in to.
  10. Really just best to do everything you can to avoid communicating with them at all. There is no real way to emerge unscathed - it just harms with no real benefit.
  11. Vampy, what would she do if you weren't there? Would she have to move in to a facility? I'm sure she'd find someplace. Somehow. What if you didn't even exist? Would she still be surviving somehow? I bet she would. There is nothing wrong with telling the truth. You have told the truth. It's not "complaining" as if you're whining about nothing. This person makes you ill. She is unhealthy for you. It is doing serious damage to you. Let's forget the "she's your mother and therefore you're blessed" thing for a moment, because just because she birthed you shouldn't condemn you to a lifetime of eternal hell. The stink - it's not just like you're being "hypersensitive." That stench is made of actual physical molecules that can actually damage a person. It's unhealthy. You don't have to feel like it's just something you don't "like." It's a real thing. You don't have to beg for forgiveness if she dies it would never, ever be your "fault" OR you to "blame" no matter how realistically awful she is to live with. Vampy, NOBODY could bear what you're putting up with. "It's not you - it's them." It's not a tolerable situation. But she lives on her own? So realistically speaking you don't in actuality have to interact with her. It's actually a choice - a choice that you are free to make. Even if it "feels" wrong or guilty. That feeling is something that's created within you by manipulation. But it doesn't mean there's an actual obligation. You CAN make a choice - even if it "hurts" someone else. That's a right that all humans have. Including you. So I know you feel stuck, but I think there are ways out of this. First of all no, you can't live with your mother. So of course we've already decided that's out of the question. But it's not the only option. And if I recall, your h and your mom are basically teamed against you. So that whole dynamic is really f'd up. And no, it's not one that anyone could bear and be healthy. You've gotta get out of there. Somehow, someway. Staying like this is simply not an option. You may need to get creative with the hows, but it can be done. It CAN be done. Sorry, I forget all the details of your situation.... But just try, when you're thinking of the reasons or ways you can't do something... to turn a corner with that and try turning it around. Think what if such-and-such wasn't that way? Then find a way to make it not that way. For example, if you live in a home that's far from transportation and you can't get transport so you can't get a job, then the options would be to find transport (even a bike), OR move to where you can get transport - move away from all them. Why not? People do it every day. Even without a lot of money. Or maybe there's a way to work from home. Have you consulted with an attorney yet to learn your rights? That's really important to do. Some will do free consults, sometimes you can get phone consults even. And the biggest roadblock that I think I see is people feeling stuck because of "what it would do to other people." But nobody is destined to live their life in eternal hell in order to prevent others from being inconvenienced. And your health and your life depend on getting away from unhealthy situations. (That's true pretty much for everyone, actually.) So everyone is "allowed" to leave someone in order to become healthier, themselves. Or happier, themselves. So let's take off the burden that you are responsible for your mother - no matter if it's disgusting and she is damaging you. You're not responsible for her. And you know what else? It's not about "hurting her feelings" that she stinks. That is a true, genuine health risk. Not just for you, but for her, too. It's okay to mention it - it's not about hurting feelings. And anyway, would she care about not hurting yours??!??! No! She doesn't, does she? Anyway, I really hope you can start to make some steps to get away from that hell. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It's awful.
  12. It's blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, try not to read such things. It's complete balderdash designed to confuse and suck you back in. Hoover, hoover, hoover. All it'll do is confuse and mess with you. There's no upside to reading them.
  13. A few months into marriage - i lost my job, was very upset about the circumstances. I went to him sobbing for a hug. I stood against him and put my arms around. He just stood there, arms at his side, cold and unbending and ungiving. Someone who will not try to comfort toy is bad, bad news, imo.
  14. You DO deserve this! And it's "good for you" to do it. I hope you enjoy and come away feeling like more of your own individual person.
  15. Enjoy it but remain cautious. Time will pass, he will start to stew and it's possible things will change. Also, can you trust he wouldn't follow you there?