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Everything posted by Naiomi

  1. Hi guys I decided to buy the book 'The VA Man can he Change?' by Patricia Evans. I'm not sure I've really got in to her 'dream woman' theory, but some of her writing makes sense. I think with my husband he is just irriated at himself and the injustices of the world - not just at me, if I'm not his 'dream woman' that (according to Evans) he created when he was a boy. The main part of the book is 'the agreement', where you are supposed to write down all of the things that you must not do in your marriage, such as 'we will not call each other names such as b*** or c****' for example. I wrote out the agreement for my husband to look at but I haven't shown him and I don't think I will. I imagine his response will be 'poor me, that is what you think of our marriage, it is all doom and gloom etc etc'. So yeh, I'm not expecting a positive response! lol. However I have to say, that it was really cathartic writing it all out. I felt a bit better afterwards. My husband seems to fit into the category indicating that he could change, if he put lots and lots of work into himself, including intense therapy. Unfortunately at this point, it isn't going to happen as he won't do it. So that's the answer really. It is obvious to me that this marriage is having effects on my mental health. I'm irritated alot of the time (with him) and find it hard to enjoy myself. I wouldn't say I was depressed, but probably heading that way if he continues his verbal assaults. I won't let myself get to that stage though, he will be out if he breaks any of my boundaries. So here I am with my head kinda messed up and he is walking around as if he hasn't got a care in the world. The funny thing is, he is probably thinking what on earth is wrong with me? What is my problem? He just rang to ask me how I was as well, which just confuses me. I wish he was horrible all of the time. I was speaking to a lady that helps me to clean the house once a month. She had a similar experience with her ex husband and said that if I ever needed a place to stay, I could stay with her with the children. I thought that was a lovely thing to say. I will take her up on it if he frightens us. I was also looking up houses that I could afford near my brother who lives 90 mins away. They are quite expensive but I think if we sold this house I could afford a 2 bed place (as long as I get a full time job). I find that quite comforting. Anyway, I just wanted to chat a little bit. /hugs Maddie
  2. Hey all :-) I have been busy lately and have released a new book called The Little Book of Self Love. https://goo.gl/rRLJWZ (US Amazon) https://goo.gl/IIAWnX (UK Amazon) https://goo.gl/BOhbxO (AU Amazon) https://goo.gl/qhtCHa (CA Amazon) I thought it would be an awesome idea to create a book on how to help people who have been emotionally hurt, abused or simply need a confidence boost. I'm a great believer in using affirmations to banish negative thoughts, which are especially prevalent for those of us who have experienced abusive relationships. I'm also a designer, so used my skills to create some pretty cool picture affirmations. This little book of love is filled with beautifully created pictures of positive affirmations, and a guide detailing on how to use affirmations. You can also create your own, relevant to your specific situation. Remember, if you can repeat it and see it, then you can be it! If you would like to feel better about yourself, your life, future and relationships or need emotional healing, then this book will help you love yourself again. Download the graphics and use them as your you wish, or flick through them to remind yourself just how incredible you are. I have attached an example of one of the affirmations in my book! Best wishes Naiomi P.S. Please remember that abuse is never your fault.
  3. Hi all I hope everyone is well. The divorce is still going through and should be finalised within a few months. STBXH still wants to get back together but then again, of course he does. I guess he is missing having someone to use as a verbal punching bag on a regular basis. Me on the other hand, I don't miss him much at all, in fact I'm finding it really hard to remember anything really positive about our relationship. Sure there were a few good points but they are just completely overshadowed by the name calling, guilt trips and shouting. I miss some of the family outings and holidays but even they were often ruined by abuse. So seriously, what is there to miss? Four months ago, a few weeks after I filed, I had doubts about divorce and I said to my husband, "let's wait. Let's not put the house up for sale yet and seriously think about what we are doing and take a step back." However, I did not put the divorce on hold, as he wanted. I said that I didn't feel ready to put in on hold, I wanted to see how things went yet, as we were going to try counselling. So, what did he do? He put the house up for sale anyway, to show me who was boss because I wouldn't play the game exactly his way. So, the house went up for sale and he went away for the weekend. When he got back to visit the kids, I had cleaned the house from top to bottom, all the clutter was put away, ready for the potential house viewings. So what did he do? He got angry because I 'should have known that he didn't mean it, that he didn't really want to put the house up for sale'. I should have apparently realised that he was just trying to teach me a lesson, to scare me into stopping the divorce. Then he complained because I had dared to clean the house and he had never seen it so tidy! It was at that point that I knew it was over. I didn't want any more mind games or someone trying to control me. Anything that has come out of his mouth from that day forward, I haven't believed a word of. Apart from the fact that this man has been very verbally abusive for years, called me the worst words a woman could hear, has been unfaithful with a prostitute and now playing all these flipping mind games as well? No more. Every week he will still put me down about something, or criticise me. Even this morning he shouted at me because I got the venue wrong for a party my daughter was going to. Then he rings me a day later and asks me if we can get back together? Ooooh yes please! What a treat that would be lol! Well in a way, at least it makes it easier for me to divorce him because he cannot even pretend to be nice for more than a day. Of course the divorce is my fault, because I should be more forgiving Things are looking up for me, which is great. I got a good part time job which pays well, quite a rarity usually. This means I can still do most of the school run, which I really wanted to try to do for my daughter. I've also had more me time, to spend with my friends when he has the kids and I've also joined a social group who meet up every few weeks. My kids are ok, although I know they are finding it hard because we don't spend as much time with daddy as much any more but I am doing my best to keep the peace and encourage their relationship with their dad, even if I don't want him now. At least they are still very young and hopefully will adjust ok in the future. Best wishes for now /hugs Naiomi (Maddie)
  4. That's great Shalimar! Go out, enjoy yourself and have some well deserved fun. /hugs Naiomi
  5. Hi Sheri I'm sorry your husband has been so unsupportive. I remember that well, often when I was sick my STBXH would see it as a great inconvenience to him because I wasn't well enough to pander to his needs and give him attention, or that he had to help out extra with the children. In fact those were the times when he was most abusive. It is that sort of selfish behaviour that makes me realise that I am so better on my own, with me and the kids. At this moment, my son has a sick bug and I am dealing with it fine, in fact so much better than when my STBXH was around. I am just getting on with it, trying to make my children feel as comfortable as possible without all the added and completely unnecessary drama that my H created. Life is peaceful, I am a far better mum and I can see a future ahead of me. It took four months since we split up for me to get to this point but I am in a far far better state of mind now and I feel so much healthier. I am never ever going back. /hugs Naiomi
  6. Hi all Well after nearly 10 years of this, I have filed for divorce. I feel sad but relieved. I really have to thank him in a way for visiting that prostitute, it gave me the 'final straw' that I know we are all looking for in an abusive relationship. I do think though, that because he wasn't as verbally as abusive in the last year of our relationship that this is when he started looking elsewhere for 'fun'. It just goes to show that even if you don't have the abuse, it comes out in other ways. Best wishes and hugs Naiomi.
  7. Hi Lorelei. Thanks for the information. I will keep reminding him to stick to the point, which he is terrible at. I'm finding that he wants to arrange everything now, such as future contact with the kids, child support and what percentage of the equity of the house I am going to get. He is bullying me basically. I've just said it depends and at the moment I am not willing to agree to anything but I will be fair. My children are aged 2 and 5. Naiomi
  8. Thanks for your support everyone Can some please remind me how to do the no contact (or low contact) thing when you have kids? /hugs Naiomi
  9. Hi Danu I remember your story and have wondered how you are. I know it has been tough for you but keep hanging in there, at least he is further away from you now. I've just started divorce proceedings myself and hope to see a light at the end of the tunnel soon. /hugs Naiomi (Maddie)
  10. Hi everyone Just thought I would give you an update. Well he begged and bullied me into giving him another try, which I did for two weeks and put the divorce on hold. The man is so entitled it is unbelievable. I was obviously still reeling from him having visited a prostitute and he got annoyed at me because I didn't feel like being intimate with him yet! The guy sulked and stomped around like a three year old. He also told me that he thought I had 'delayed post natal depression' (our son is 2!) and that is the reason why I may not be able to forgive and forget easily. Talk about adding insult to injury and blaming everyone but himself. Still what more should I have expected? Anyway the divorce is back on and I have told him there is no way we can reconcile. I feel relieved but stressed. At least I can breathe again. /hugs Naiomi
  11. Thanks everyone! I am very sad but I can at least now see a light in the distance. I will get there. Like Mary Oliver said....'Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Naiomi x
  12. Hi everyone Well this 'man' I have married just makes me feel ill. If his encounter with the prostitute wasn't bad enough, it is his continous emotional abuse. Before we separated last week, he told me that if he had to leave the house then he may not be able to pay for our mortgage (and default on it) and rent a place for himself. That he may have to stop working or go bankrupt. That he may not be able to see our kids again because he wouldn't be able to handle it, therefore just abandoning them. As I only work part time this did scare me initially, however I found out that if I worked a few extra hours at work then I could claim benefits that would cover the cost of looking after myself and the kids too. So now that we have separated he came crawling to me today and said 'he didn't mean it'. That he would never abandon me or the children, nor would he go bankrupt etc. He was sorry... he should have never said those things to worry me... He asked me today whilst he visited the kids, why I had upped my hours at work so that I can claim benefits. I said, because you told me that it was likely you wouldn't be able to look after us if we separated, so I'm looking after us now. I mean really what did he expect me to do. To crawl back to him, to be so scared by his manipulation tactics that I would not ask him to leave?? Not anymore. Well seriously screw you h, I can do this on my own. By trying to manipulate me it really backfired on you didn't it. He really makes me sick and has done for a long time. Thanks for letting me vent. /hugs Naiomi
  13. Thanks everyone Yes even though it has been a few weeks of high stress, I really feel like I am able to stand on my own two feet. This is huge for me as that is what scared me the most - that I wouldn't be able to afford to look after me and the kids on my own. /hugs Naiomi
  14. Hi Sheri I know this post is a few weeks old but really wanted to add something to it. I did alot of research on verbal/emotional abuse for years. I wanted validation, to know I wasn't imagining his abuse. To know how others felt when they were verbally abused and how they handled it. I would google information, often obsessively and now, guess what after my h has been unfaithful, now I'm googling again about infidelity. Although it is helpful to gather some information about a problem, I do find that I over do it. I have to say to myself that if the relationship I am in causes me to search indefinitely for answers then it is very unhealthy. Surely my (our) resources and time would be better spent elsewhere either on our own or in a healthy relationship, where we didn't have to go through all this inner turmoil and endless self doubt and questioning. I hope you are having a better time lately and that your Christmas was ok. /hugs Naiomi
  15. Dear all Well after all the years of verbal abuse, which my H had finally seemed to have mellowed out on over the last few years, he cheated on me. He decided that it would be a great idea to go and visit a prostitute and have unprotected sex for his birthday. I cannot tell you how disgusted I am with him for putting my health at risk and for doing something so disrespectful and degrading. Well then again verbal abuse is a type of disrespect, so it is just another form of it. He has had STD tests, fortunately all were negative. He told me just before Christmas, so it has been a rough few weeks. He thought that he had given me HIV or some other STD because I had been ill lately. So I guess the guilt took over. If I hadn't been ill he did say that he probably wouldn't have told me. I had to tell him to leave a few days ago because I couldn't stand to have him around and I needed to keep my self respect intact. Myself and the kids are quite enjoying our peaceful home, even though I am stressed ofcourse. /hugs Naiomi
  16. Absolutely MG, I know any type of cheating hurts like hell but to pay for it from a prostitute is just the ultimate in disrespect towards me and women in general. I don't think he could have done much worse if he tried. /hugs Naiomi
  17. Thanks all Yes I will get tested, apart from the worry of STDs, I also feel unclean and violated. I will wait for another few months before I test so that it gives time for anything untoward to show up. Well you are right Curly, he still had his bad moods and things had to be done his way, so not all the abuse had gone. Anyway, I agree it is for the best. I actually feel relieved he has gone in a strange kind of way. /hugs Naiomi
  18. Hi I just wanted to say how awful this must be for you and your daughter. I imagine you have probably tried every avenue to try to get your daughter back. There must be a way to appeal or escalate this to the case worker's line manager? Take care Naiomi
  19. Hi again everyone. Well I'm still stuck in my marriage. I asked my h to leave twice but he doesn't want to go. We joint own the house so I cannot make him leave. H says he will read a book and that will help him with his verbal/emotional abuse. Blah blah I've heard it all before and I think it will take more than a book, perhaps a brain transplant . I really wanted him to give me some space to sort my head out. I also felt so phoey vulnerable, the thought of living on my own with two young kids and little money. H said we could give it one more try and he realises this is his last chance. Hang on, what about all the other 'last chances' I gave him? Urgh. He also gave me this wonderful speech about if things go wrong again and I really want him to leave he will go and we can sort things out amicably. Funny that, I still remember him threatening me about not paying the mortgage and generally making things very uncomfortable for me if we ever split up. Anyway, that is just a bit of an update. The point of my post is that I cannot get the things out my head that he has called me, the tone of his voice and the way he looked. Cannot forget how he has made fun of me, the way I speak (he thinks I'm posh). I could go on, you guys know what I mean. The worst thing he called me not too long ago when I was 7 mths pregnant with my 1 year old was 'a horrible c*nt of a woman'. I'm so ashamed to even write that. It brings tears to my eyes. I mean how can you ever look at someone the same way again after they have called you that. It isn't the first time either. I question my H about it and he says it is just a word and that I'm over sensitive. Anyone else would be over it right now. Thanks for listening to me. Naiomi
  20. Thanks for the responses. As for a plan, well I have done some practical things lately. Firstly I have put myself on a social housing register, to try to get a home for me and the kids. Owning a home already won't push me to the top of the list, but being in a domestic violence situation should be in my favor somewhat. Secondly, I have decided to study an IT degree to eventually become a teacher. An IT degree is relevant to my job now and if I could become a teacher I know I could support the kids and give them a good life. Trouble is it will take me about 5 years and I don't think I can put up with his abuse for that long. However, irrespective of that, it is a healthy goal for me to focus on. Thirdly, I rang the police tonight. After asking him to leave last week I feel quite nervous, even though after initial threats he is on his best behaviour. I wanted them to know of my situation and to report the incident when I thought he was gonna hit me when I was pregnant. Two police officers actually came round to my house! (H is away on a golfing weekend) I was quite shocked actually, even though that was a good thing. I spoke to them about what I had been through and they have reported it and will get a domestic violence police officer to contact me. I feel a bit weird (like I had violated a trust, or let everyone know our business) that it is now on record, although I think it can only help me in the future. The police officer also said they might be able to help me with the housing situation. Anyway it has been a bit of a night with a police visit so I'm off to sleep. /hugs Naiomi
  21. Hi Daphne Just to give some more clarity, when I rang Women's aid they said that if you were going into a refuge and have a job, you should talk to your employer (as Curly said). You may have to sign off sick for a while, get a transfer, or give up your job. If you go into a refuge, they are unlikely to put you near where you live, for your own safety, so you may not be in travelling distance to your job anyway. The lady I spoke to said that she did know of some cases where people could keep their job, but each refuge had their own policies and you would have to speak to them directly. If you are in a potentially dangerous situation with your partner, you wouldn't want them following you back from where you work, putting yourself and the other residents at risk. I can see their point, even though it could make things tricky with your employer. Other options you could go for, which I have just done is to put yourself on the local housing register with your council. If you say you are leaving for domestic violence reasons they will look at you more favourably (even if you jointly own a house like I do). Some council's operate a 'let's rent' scheme for emergency housing which I was told I may be eligible for if there is physical violence and you don't even have to have money for a deposit. I would suggest you contact your local council or look at their website. I made an appointment with a housing officer at my local council and talked through all the various options with her, which was incredibly helpful. Best wishes Naiomi
  22. Hi Daphne I live in the UK. I haven't been in a refuge yet but nearly went recently. It is still an option for me. You can get alot of answers on the women's aid website http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp http://www.womensaid.org.uk/virtualrefuge/ http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200210002&itemid=1301&itemTitle=Support+for+survivors%3A+refuge I found out a bit of information. Refuges seems like friendly places and have play areas for children. You will need to give them alot of information as you will need to get income support to pay for the refuge, so you need to take plenty of ID. You will probably have to give up your job or get a transfer, as you could put the other people in the refuge at risk (as your partner may follow you back from work). I think it would be a good option if you had nowhere to go and were happy to give up your job. That is what is stopping me, I don't want to give my job up as it is my life line. Otherwise, I would seriously consider it. If things get critical I still would. Best of luck Naiomi x
  23. Hello everyone I haven't had the energy to post here for a long time, well nothing about myself anyway. I apologise for just posting again when I feel I should be more supportive to you guys but I'm so lost at the moment. I was in the frame of mind that I just felt I was complaining about the same thing over and over again and I knew what was going on but didn't have the strength or frame of mind to do anything about it. I still get emotional/verbal abuse almost every day. I'm not sure my husband even notices he does it, he feels entitled to act the way he does. Its put downs, I'm not doing things right, If I don't agree with him he uses the word 'wife' in a derogatory manner (eg so my 'wife' thinks I shouldn't do that) and rolls his eyes and spits the word out with disgust. When I ask him to do something sometimes he says 'yessssss' with such venom, like he hates me. Then he is all mister nice again whilst my head is reeling. The problem I have now is that after 9 years of this, I can't get the stuff he says to me out of my head. I go each day repeating all the negative things he has said recently and not so recently. Each day I think of the 'c' word when he called me that whilst I was pregnant with our son 18 months ago. This is affecting me very badly now. He has said it before then too. It is like now even if he isn't saying these words to me, I'm saying it to myself - its like I'm verbally abusing me! I also feel so incredibly ashamed of what I have become. Each time I talk to my friends or mum I'm just going on about my relationship. I wanted to be a strong, capable woman - not some wreck. However, in a way I am in a better place. I have decided that I will be out of the door soon with my d4 and s1. I realise what terrible effects this is having on my mental health and that if I let it continue it could be permanent. I have rung a woman's shelter and am getting all our things together. There is nothing I can do now to persuade my husband that his behaviour isn't normal. I've tried everything and have come to the end of the road. It is very sad but myself and the kids will survive. I just had to write this out. Thanks for listening Naiomi aka Maddie x
  24. Hi all Thanks for the responses they are appreciated Thank you Curly for your kind words, it is brilliant that I have support here and that you do think about me when I'm not around. That means alot to me. I'm thinking about what you said Bix about how talking to your friends mean you take him with you. Very insightful information. I think that is true and yes, I would so much rather talk about more positive things. There are times when talking helps me but I think at the moment I've almost run out of things to say and must 'do' instead. I am seeing some friends today and may just say to my best friend there that I am thinking of going into a refuge if I get a chance to see her on her own. I'm also taking on board what Maggie and Crisis have said about it being a dangerous time to leave. That is why I'm not asking my H to leave our home and is why I'm going into a refuge, probably in a different county. He can see the kids through mediation, I just wouldn't trust him. I have seen him when he is angry and he has thrown and kicked things and once broke a window. In the past he was pretty scary. I came to the decision a few weeks ago that the next name call or a time when he scares me and children will be the time I leave, to propel me out of the door, however it may be sooner as every single bit of verbal or emotional abuse just cuts me to the core now. I cannot ignore it anymore and think everything will be ok. It isn't. I'm sorting all my bits and pieces out so that I'm ready.
  25. Lily I can't believe you posted this, after accusing Sheri of being manipulative in her latest post. That isn't playing fair, sorry. Naiomi