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Everything posted by gone

  1. When you leave without notice, and hope to God you'll have no contact afterward, do you leave a letter? Do you say you're gone for good, or do you minimize it by saying you're just taking some time? Do you explain why you're going, call him out on his behaviors? Suggest he get therapy? We have 4 children, but I'm still hopeful that he won't involve the courts and very much hope he doesn't follow through on the threats to find me and kill me. I do intend to send his mother a copy of the book, why does he do that. She stayed with his horrendously physically abusive dad until he died, and that obviously has had some impact here. I don't want to blame her, but I want her to be able to recognize why I left, and hopefully not buy into any lies he tells, and maybe be able to explain to him why I left. Or maybe I shouldn't send it to her. Hopefully a week from today I'll be applying for the loan, and get fast approval and funding.
  2. Great job! If you can get control back of your income, you will feel sooooo much better! Then you'll be able to take control of your life!
  3. Confused, I'm right there with you. We are in a honeymoon phase right now, and it's so easy to just coast. Last night I took a bath, to be alone and think, and I made myself outline in my head the major incidents in our marriages when he broke our vows, and when he was absolutely over the top abusive. It was clear to see that the big events are occurring more frequently in recent years, and getting much more violent. That was sad, but good for me to really internalize that his issues are way beyond fixing, probably even if he wanted to. We have 4 young children, and I don't know how things will play out long term, but I do know that I have to get them out of here. I am going very far away, and immediately getting them involved in community social groups, church, etc, and pray that if I have to face a custody hearing, that I can persuasively argue that they're well established in their new community and it would be in their best interest to stay there. Wouldn't prevent him from relocating there, but might cause him to not try too hard. I'm just moving forward, one step at a time, and let things work themselves out. Im thinking about you a lot, confused, because I think we're in the same phase right now. I also love my husband very much, although I am beginning to consider that it might involve trauma bonding. But regardless, this is incredibly hard, and just so exhausting. Hang in there.
  4. Needing some info on staying cloaked with digital devices. texting - can the person you text ascertain your physical location? Facebook - can your physical location when logged into fb be seen by friends? FB Messenger - can people you message find out your location? Thank you!
  5. Thank you! That is a good list of suggestions. Any suggestions on how to keep tabs of what H is doing after you leave? My specific things I'm thinking of, has he bailed out of town to come hunt me down, or has he filed with the courts for custody, or what. I had thought to still send and receive texts from his mom, but I'm not sure if that's safe. I don't want to give him my attorneys info, and give him any ideas about lawyering up. I will ask the attorney if he will be able to monitor court filings daily.
  6. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I don't intend to go through the courts unless H initiates it. Due to his strong beliefs and him being investigated by the FBI, there is a good chance he won't take that route. If need be, I'll come back for hearings with the kids and petition for full custody and to stay in our new location. But hopefully that won't be necessary. Ditto with the finances. I'll take the funds, but be prepared to return half if the courts get involved. Thank you for the advice. I will just leave a very short note.
  7. Oh yes, that's how my h does it too, usually. Very, very logical and clinical and certainly not trying to offend, I mean how could you take offense to that, he would say. Then he shakes his head, like he's talking down to a peeved little girl, and chuckles and pats me on the arm, or gropes me, and says something totally condescending, which to him means soothing. And offers to watch a show or bring me snacks, exactly like mr BS. And if I continue to display any sign of being upset, then it quickly escalates and turns around on me as if I've offended him. Ugh. Icky, snakey, and sucky.
  8. As I'm waiting to leave, I am going back and forth between thinking I'm nuts for going, and knowing I need to. Every once in a while, I feel very happy, thinking about my new future, the promise of things to come. And then, almost immediately, I feel guilty for being happy, like I'm doing something wrong, and should be ashamed, or at the very least sad and heartbroken. Its okay to feel happy, right? It's okay to take my share of the family assets and go live a life that I want, right? It's okay to look forward to a life of my choosing, and to feel relief and joy and hope, right?
  9. So, he has been overall extremely nice and helpful the last couple of weeks. His usual patronizing chit chat, but certainly nothing major. I'm still planning to leave, although at times, I do feel like I'm the irrational one. Anyways, one of the "little" things he consistently does that I very much dislike, is constantly groping me. I mean like multiple times an hour, grabbing my boobs, up under my shirt and bra, etc. he acts like its all a big joke, laughs, etc. I make it clear I don't like it, but he acts like that's part of the joke, too, and to be fair, I've gone along with this crap for 15 years. I dont know if im trying to poke the bear, looking for some justification during this waiting period, when he's being such a good guy, or if I'm legitimately trying out some boundaries, or what. To be honest, it's probably mostly the first. But his response surprised me. He is genuinely freaked out, says that is something that has been a huge good factor in our marriage all these years, blah blah. I'm not even sure what to think! Constant, mindless groping of me is a huge positive factor in our marriage?! My first thought is, how pathetic and shallow is our marriage that THIS is important, much less huge? Am I just spoiling for a fight here? I realize that I need to keep things calm, in order to stay safe. I still have a month or so to go before I can leave. I do not need any violence in the meantime. And he is truly in the nice phase - working like a dog out in the heat all day, doing homeschool with the kids, doing sweet things for me, etc. like I said, there is still the regular patronizing and condescending comments, but no violence, no major gaslighting or overtly controlling. I know I don't want to rock this boat. But something about this has got my backbone up. I will just let this go, and give in, to keep the peace and safety, but in reality, groping like that is just another demeaning, controlling behavior, right? It's not like a vital part of any healthy marriage, right?
  10. This is exactly what I'm feeling like right now. And it is exhausting. I feel like I must be a spoiled brat, that he does so much and is so good. And then I glimpse back into "the deep" and I know what's really down there, and I know it's going to all come spewing out again, and I know I have to leave. I have the family court lawyer appointment soon, and I'm trying to find a criminal lawyer who practices in federal court to discuss the FBI crap with, but so far I can't find one.
  11. Thank you! It helps to just know that I'm not overreacting. I will let it go, because it's obvious it is already starting a ramp-up to escalation with him. But it is so helpful to hear things called out for what they truly are! Thank you!
  12. Oh whitebutterfly and quaddie, you are hitting my nail right on the head. I'm coming from a religious background and H is all about being principled, etc. And when I'm not dealing with physical violence, or ongoing threats and physical intimidation, I feel like I need justification to go through with my plans to leave. its not exactly that I care what others think, but I feel like I'm throwing away a "good" man, if not a good marriage. A "good" father, at least right now, mostly. And I know that's a bunch of malarkey, I write it down and it makes me cringe. But it's what is in my head, swirling around. He's working hard, cleaning the house, playing with the kids, binge watching our favorite shows together, and I'm thinking, why am I leaving again? And somewhere deep down I know, the violence will come again, and the utter lack of respect should be enough, but I want to be weak and feel forced to make such a drastic move. I want to play the victim, which I have been, and yet, I've put up with it, so maybe it's time I just let go of that victim crown for good and start owning my situation as well as my decisions. I know I'm also very much wanting an external situation to come along and make this happen for me. Let the FBI arrest come, let him go out in his blaze of glory and then I don't have to expose all our dirty little secrets, and don't have to face up to my own decisions. My brain has seriously been contemplating sticking around for the winter, waiting for the FBI to resolve this for me. And I sigh even as I type it, because I know it's a cowardly option, and I need to stop being weak and cowardly.
  13. I'm in the waiting zone, while I get my ducks lined up and wait for a home equity loan to fund as my source of cash to leave. Every day since I made the decision to go has been a little different. I've had days of total exhaustion, sadness and grief, anger, joy and exhilaration, and suffocating fear. He knows nothing of this, I will be going secretly and leaving the state and going totally dark for as long as possible. We are waiting on some payoffs to post on his credit report, and then we will be re applying for a line of credit on the house. Prior to my decision to leave, our plan was to use these funds to start investing in real estate flips. He knows how to do the construction, I'm good at finding the deals, plus in preparation for this, I've gotten my contractors license and am taking my state exam for real estate agent license tomorrow. Obviously these will both help me in my new life, since I've been a stay at home homeschool mom for the last 15 years. I am tryIng to make tentative plans for departure, but I can't solidify much until I have that cash in hand. I have done a ton of legwork getting ready, though. Bank accounts, power of attorney for my h, mail drop box with forwarding, tomorrow will be a mini storage unit, burner cell phones, and lots of lists. I've been working on my credit report and credit score, added myself onto all his credit cards as an authorized user so it would boost my score, then got cards in my own name, etc. then changing the mailing address on tons of things, utility bills, my credit cards, subscriptions. Changing passwords on all the email and online stuff. New Facebook account, new email account. There are so many details. I am trying to make plans for any contingency. He has said repeatedly that if I ever left, he'd track me down and kill me and himself. He has also said, more recently, that he would just kill himself, but burn the house down first and cancel his life insurance policy, so that I would be left with nothing. And of course, he might just carry on, or sue for custody, or who knows what. It's really nuts trying to think through all the different scenarios to think what I need to do! Thankfully, though, I'm thinking very clearly now, and am on top of it, with a few days here and there of curling up in a ball in bed. Now we have a new wrinkle, he has been laid off from his long term employer for a while, and is probably taking a job with a new employer in a couple weeks. Which will make it easier to go logistically, since he will be out of the house every day, but it also makes it easy to stall, since he's not right here in my face. Also, since I've been on "whatever you say dear" mode, since I decided to leave, he's been super happy and sweet, of course, which subtly eats away at my resolve. I can't reapply for the home loan until probably August 21-23, and then it will probably be a week or two until it funds. I know that it's not likely to have any problems being approved, but if it weren't, i do not know how I'd do this. We are home equity rich and cash broke. With 4 kids who have always been homeschooled, I can't imagine trying to roll with little to no cash, and have to put them in public school while I try to find a job, etc. I also don't see any good odds of renting a new place, getting a car, etc, with cheesy credit score, no job, etc. so, the money is pretty paramount to my leaving. I won't be getting involved with the system or courts before I go, because I won't risk being restricted from leaving the state. I have an appointment with a divorce atty later this month, and I will retain him in case h tries to file for custody. So that also means no child support or alimony for at least six months, until I felt safe filing in my new state. If he does follow through on his threats to kill himself, there are two life insurance policies. One big one he could theoretically cancel, although he has never handled any of the paperwork or banking, so he'd have to figure out all the contact info, but he is certainly capable. The other one, he knows of, but doesn't even know the company. And it'd be harder for him to identify the payments from our bank records, to know who to call to cancel. That one though, would be enough to buy a house and car and get in a decent position to carry on. The big one would be sufficient to support the kids and I for 15-20 years, which is why we got it, so I could buy a house and keep homeschooling, without having to worry about income. It's hard to think about the logistics of the life insurance policies, but I have to come up with different plans. I don't know if he will actually do what he's threatened, but he's certainly capable, and I won't let those threats stop me from leaving. And I know he has been using the suicide threats as emotional manipulation this last year, too, so he may not have ever had any real intention. There is also a huge component of his involvement with the "patriot movement". He is and has been high level state wide and even nationally, in the groups and events of the last few years. We've had multiple calls from the FBI, I've been instructed to vacate my home for fear of FBI round ups, it's nuts. We travel everywhere with multiple weapons, have all sorts of preset plans in case this or that happens. Tons of his close friends and people in his group are in prison, or on trial, or being visited repeatedly by the Feds. It's a very very stressful way to live. So the possibility of him being arrrsted for these activities is huge, and grows every frigging day with the stuff going on in the Bundy trial in Nevada right now. Just today, the judge openly declared that every single one of the operations my husband has organized, led, and participated in have been illegal. That sure sounds like an indictment waiting to happen. And his attitude is getting more openly hostile towards the Feds every day, as well. Somethimes I think he wants them to come for him. I just want off this freak train, kwim? I have no good communication with anyone that I can talk to about any of this. He watches for emails to or from my sister, so I have to be super careful with those. I can get on this website pretty much totally unnoticed though, so hopefully it's ok for me to just chat about my progress, and the crazy FBI stuff, and how I'm feeling here. I have a million and one thoughts every day, but no one to share it with.
  14. I have an appointment with the atty in a few weeks. I will definitely make sure that I don't end up being at risk of a paternal kid napping or interference of custody charge. If H goes to the courts and I have to come back for hearings, then I will. I have also worked very hard to distance myself from all his patriot stuff. Judginh from the phone conversations going on around this house tonight, I am preparing absolutely that this may resolve before I leave. The afternoon in court for the bundy trial had even more explicit denouncement of my husbands actions as furtherance of the conspiracy against the government. He has been on the phone and messaging nonstop ever since. I don't know what they are deciding to do, but I can guess. I highly doubt the federal prosecution is going to go to these lengths to tie him into this and not indict and arrest him. They very possibly have an indictment already. I wish I could run right freaking now. I want nothing, nothing, nothing to do with this. And the crazy part is he spent the morning making breakfast and snacks for the kids and doing their homeschool projects with them. Freaking surreal.
  15. Oh my goodness, what melinoe said and ditto what 6245 said! That's exactly what my h says to me, like verbatim. That is what I'm finding so shocking, and so valuable for me right now, is how exactly, literally, verbatim my h and all the others say the exact same freaking lines. They are, literally, classic textbook abusers. It is valuable to me, because there's no denying it for me anymore. He doesn't just fit the pattern, he is a carbon copy! I'm just continuously astounded, and at the same time, it's totally validating.
  16. I'm making plans to leave. There hasn't been a lot of actual physical abuse, but some, and increasing amounts of wall and door bashing, broken furniture and tvs, etc. the rages and tirades are much more frequent and over increasingly smaller issues, with much less, i.e. Zero, build up time. I've done the lethality quizzes, he's like an 8-10 on them. Do I make plans based on his threats of tracking me down and killing me, i.e. Fly to the farthest point on the map, or do I make plans that involve sticking around close in order to deal with court appearances for restraining orders and custody battles? How do women leave and stay local, and not live in total fear of him coming to get them later? I'm sorry this is so short, with so little backstory. I've got at least 5 weeks to go before I can leave, and I'm already so exhausted. Gone Girl
  17. I met with the Dv center today for safety planning. I have the bug out bag ready. Had to get a replacemnet ss card for one child, and got that done at the ss office. I have a pretty detailed plan, she, the Dv counselor, said it was good. I have an appointment with a lawyer in a few weeks. I will hopefully have enough funds to give him a retainer, so if the husband files for custody here after I leave, I will have an attorney ready. I've decided against ro. They will almost certainly grant visitation and restrict me from leaving state. I will just go and hope that I can get six months in the new place, then file for custody from there. We shall see. I'm debating how much to reveal to family and to friends in my goodbye letter. Won't have those mailed out until I'm safely arrived in new state. I'm not sure if it provides more protection for us by exposing what's been happening, or if it makes him more lethal because it ruins his reputation and he will have nothing left to lose. Any thoughts on that? I have photos of the physical damage around the house, and making lists of violent episodes, with dates and details. Got my new checking account, private mailbox with forwarding service. I'm trying to make sure all my bases are covered. Copies of medical and dental records to hand carry to new providers. Good book to read: whose face is in the mirror, by Dianne Schwartz. Really, really good. Gotta love kindle. It's stealthy, lol.
  18. I'm getting ready to leave. I'll be going far, far away. Totally starting over. With little kids, all on my own. And right now, everything is pretty calm on the home front. Although I know I need to leave, that he will eventually act on his threats to kill me, and that I can't let the kids grow up with this escalating violence in the home, and the controlling, I feel so weird. Like I'm the one doing some aberrant, off the wall behavior by leaving. I can barely imagine what things will look like in my life a few months from now. It feels like the whole world is going to totally shift its axis or something, and I'm just watching it wind up to go. And i keep feeling the pull of the thoughts to just stay a while longer, another winter, another year. Maybe he will mellow out. Maybe the devil I know is better for me and the kids, especially the kids, than whatever I'm about to drag them into. What if I suck at being a parent on my own? What if I can't support us? I have 4 kids, been a long time since I've been in the job market. Do you all feel this way just before you leave? The eerie calm before the storm?
  19. I don't intend to involve police until it's time for them to find the restraining order, and I'm on my way somewhere safe. TY for the advice to start documenting. I started making a list last night, I'll keep adding to that as I remember specific episodes. Funny how easily the specifics slip out of our memory, isn't it? I did take some photos of damage yesterday. I will work with the DV on a plan for immediate needs, and then I will make an appointment with a local attorney to get advice on long term plans. That sounds like very good advice. He's in the honeymoon phase, and I'm doing everything I can think of to keep him there right now, but it really can mess with my head, that he is being so calm and normal and great, and I'm making plans to leave and take the kids. But I guess that's classic victim thinking, right? Thank you for responding. I feel very alone at the moment and very surreal.
  20. Quaddie, yes, I got a legal membership service so I could get consults. They are the ones who clarified that the courts will require me to appear if he contests either a restraining order or a custody suit. They aren't giving advice, but they were clear with me about having to appear. I do intend to call back and ask how they serve me if I've fled the state with no forwarding address. My guess is, I would lose by default. They did also say that if I could establish residency of the new state for six months or so, I could file my custody suit there. That has pros and cons as well. Has anyone done that?
  21. I have contacted them. I have an appointment soon. Their initial advice is that he is very dangerous and I should be planning to leave quickly. She sounded like she was most familiar with abusers who contest the restraining order, and who contest the custody. I will be asking her these questions as well, but I very much would like to hear from women who have been through this, and gotten out and made it. Do women usually stay in their local area when leaving abusive spouses? Or do they run far away and just try to hide? Do the men usually follow through on the threats they make, to find you and punish you, or to kill themselves, or do they most often change tactics and claim innocence in the courts? I have 4 young children. My preference would be to put as much distance between he and us as possible. I know he is capable of doing what he has threatened, I just don't know if he will, or if will do something else that he decides will better suit his purposes. But then I worry that I will get far away and have to bring the children back for custody hearings, or god forbid, visitation. I guessim just hoping to hear stories from women who have gotten out. Who've had to run and hide. How did you do it, logistically, how did it go? Did he try to find you and kill you? Did the courts support you in keeping your children away from him? Things like that. Thank you.