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About EnoughisEnough

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    Welcome Member
  1. Very occasionally, my soon to be ex-H would talk about "putting his hands on me." (What he DID was beat me). And sometimes he would tear up and apologize and then during the anger build up before the next incident tell me that If I didn't "make" him so mad he wouldn't do it, i.e. It was always my fault. Sometimes I think him talking about it was just another of many ways to control my perception of the abuse. Every time he attempted to give me that fake apology I had a choice- stand with my gut feeling that it was false or fall into the relief that he was truly sorry. I took the easy route many many times and fell for it. A person with a conscience understands when they are wrong in action. It is inappropriate to attempt to convince the person they have hurt that they haven't hurt them. Total crazy making. I can only speak from my own experience, but I would be very conscious of any attempt by an abuser to intellectualize abuse.
  2. I left for months and mine "said" all the right things and I came back. Three weeks later I had bruises on my neck in the shapes of his fingers. A few weeks after that I was hit hard in the face. He DID NOT change. He did all the crying, blah, blah, blah. It was an act. I knew it in my heart, but I loved him and then I felt sorry for him. I'm out now for good and things are a lot better for me. Long road ahead, but I am done with his bs.
  3. Ugh. Mine has been gone for a bit now and I still (despite protective and no contact orders) find myself thinking things like, "If he sees I didn't do the dishes he will be mad." It's crazy how much his voice is still in my head. He mostly controlled me through fear. He would say he wanted me to be independent and then when I would make independent decisions he would sabatoge me. Every single moment revolved around his needs. And I know I developed a learned helplessness in response to his behaviors. I don't feel helpless today. Despite the low level anxiety I am really beginning to feel strong and I LOVE it.
  4. Awesome!! I'm really happy for you!
  5. When I left the first time it was after the first of many severe beatings. I stayed away for a month and during that time I was in shock and very vulnerable. I returned and after another year I left again for a few months. Then I returned. This last time I spoke with my therapist right after I left and she was super supportive reminding me sometimes it takes more than leaving once to leave for good. I wish I'd stayed away forever the first time because I am damaged. For me, accepting that it was never going to change and that my life is valuable has been really helpful. As I get stronger I am more scared of him -- because I finally accept how dangerous the situation was for me. Do I miss him? Sometimes. Do I want the relationship (or whatever it was) again? I do not. It's a complicated process and mine is tied to my own childhood abuse and feelings of inadequacy. I don't know what's next, but I am safe and I have support. It's not easy, but it's possible to be free.
  6. I went to therapy with my abuser and it was HORRIBLE. And he went to court ordered anger management and lied to the therapist in the group. And then used both to intimidate me. My abuser did not change at all and in fact became worse over time. He did and said anything necessary to improve his standing with other people he thought would be sympathetic. Like others are saying go with your gut. Your experience.
  7. I feel guilty too at times. For a long time the guilt kept me with an abuser. And little by little I began to blame myself, and then one day I realized that he is never going to change. This after years of emotional and physical abuse. I'm out now, and I struggle with guilt, but I didn't make his choices. I'm not responsible for his abuse. I don't know, but mine probably landed on his feet and will go on to the next victim. I have a life to live and if I remember how his abuse threatened my life and made me feel insignificant, I'm glad to be out and he can deal with whatever happens in his life. Not my problem anymore. We deserve to be free.
  8. I LOVE THAT!!! That is how I feel, like spun glass, but DONE.
  9. Yes, keep going. I spent most of three years being physically and emotionally abused. I felt trapped and for weeks at a time couldn't leave the house because of bruises on my face. Once, he said to me "um, could you put some makeup on to cover the bruises? I don't like seeing them." And the honest to god truth is that I put the makeup on. I was so incapable to make any decisions. The past two weeks have been so scary but as I reach out people are helping. Hang in there.
  10. It hasn't been long for me since he is gone but also in same town. I experience paranoia and when I go grocery shopping I am overwhelmed sometimes with anxiety. Panic when people are near me or behind me. His attacks were always so quick and brutal I could never fight him off. Always looking over my shoulder. My therapist says I have PTSD from abuse and I hope these symptoms calm down after awhile. I think it's normal to be on alert after everything. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
  11. I have a protection order now and a new phone. Last time he texted I went to the police department and filed a report and he was arrested. I am so done with his lies and abuse. Legally, he is out of my life. Just the divorce to take care of and soon. I can't believe I took so much for so long. Thank you for your response 6245.
  12. I went to counseling with abuser with his counselor and basically ended feeling re-abused every time we were there. It was almost like the counselor couldn't accept that his client was abusive and that I was the one who needed to stop doing things that caused my H to hit me. Crazy. It was horrible.
  13. I recently called the police on my abuser and then had overwhelming feelings of guilt even though it was the right thing to do. He is a manipulative person always blaming me for everything and excusing himself. I am afraid too a lot of the time. But, I am working hard on taking care of myself and accepting that I've been through a horrible relationship that has damaged me. But I will heal. I can come up out of this stronger than ever and live a good life. He made a choice to abuse and scare me over and over. Its messy and painful but we have to keep reaching out for support. Thank you for your post and keep taking care of yourself.
  14. Karaokekat1017 Hang in there!! I just called the police for the first time last week and have been plagued with guilt and sadness and anger. Believe me, not asking for their help for two years just increased and escalated the abuse. It's hard to have the energy to get things done but keep asking for help. You don't deserve to be treated that way or your children to be. Please take good care of yourself.
  15. I am having the day of alternating between RAGE and depression. Though it is his fault he was arrested for battery, I feel guilty at times too. Because I called the cops. He always said it was my fault, that I pushed him to it. I love him but I cannot be treated like that anymore. This coincides with finally accepting how awful my own parents are. Really awful week alone but starting to see the light. He is gone and never coming back and now I can begin anew. I'm not putting myself down anymore for staying. I am thoroughly pissed though and I feel anger toward the system and his sick family.