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About JamesF

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  1. I couldn't agree more. The peace and quiet, no drama, no manipulation, no uneasiness, no worries. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. Once you do leave the situation you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner! You can do it!
  2. Yes I'm in no position to get more than nsa affection. The reason I feel like I'm wanting affection is for the last part... 8 months of our marriage we barely even kissed much less anything more. It sounds weird from a man but when someone downs you it doesn't exactly make you want to show any affection. I feel like right now is a time to rediscover who I am. I've started that process and found some new interest. I went and got a pedicure last weekend for the first time and it was awesome. I've heard it's important to treat yourself with extra love and gentleness. I'm in a much better place today than I was last week so I can only imagine as the months go by how I'll feel. And yes I plan to use protection when that time comes.
  3. Each day it gets a little easier to deal with the quiet. I've had a few talks with God and cried out to him and cried a couple of times which helps me. I think making a list to bring to the grocery store will help. Now that I'm out of it I'm noticing some of her negative thoughts and ways have been driven into my head, so when they pop up right now very often I immediately counter with a positive. It seems to help a lot, and I know in time they will be gone. I love being out in nature and have already been to two parks near me. I was alone, no drama, no worries, just me God and nature. It really put me at peace, but that was before she left. I'm one of those that likes to go on adventures and travel sometimes to just explore this beautiful world. Yes I could put it in storage but I'm afraid to. I know she will be upset and at this point I've been made to avoid any drama with her. She has not tried to Hoover or send anyone to get me to change my mind, so I'd be breaking the silence. No contact is wonderful. I plan to give a time limit then change the locks. You're right I'm uneasy at work not knowing when or if she will show. I bought a WiFi security camera to put so I'll see when she comes. Is it normal to crave affection but know it's far too soon? I find myself trying to feel a void I guess from being used to having someone even if they're not a kind or good person. Not saying I want her back. I don't like being alone which leads me to settle. I know it's very early for this but I can't help it.
  4. I very recently got out of a bad relationship but am starting to feel some effects. I feel very lonely in the world. I go to the grocery store and can't make the easiest decisions. I'm alone at home, and while it's good that it's quiet and calm, I feel sad because I'm used to other people being around. I've started going to the gym again which helps. I have not heard from her since she left which is good but causes anxiety since she still has items there that she is likely to come grab at any time. I will be changing the locks but don't feel right doing so until her stuff is all gone. Tomorrow might be a better day, but today I just feel sad.
  5. Today is day 1 of my recovery and healing. Yesterday she was served divorce papers and packed some of her stuff and left. No fighting, no phone calls, no text. She still has stuff in the house so she will be back but I cannot express how well I slept last night. It was peaceful, quiet, and relaxing in my home. Thank you to everyone for the support and well wishes!
  6. I am very glad too. Why would she have the nerve to tell people I'm toxic? It's crazy..
  7. She didn't tell me trust directly she said it to a mutual friend. Again I got where o didn't like being around her and didn't know why. Once I figured it out I realized the seriousness of this.
  8. I'm starting to wonder if it'll ever end. Now I'm being called toxic. I saw my cousin yesterday and she said I got fussed at every time we were around and said she always seemed aggravated. I don't understand how someone who is toxic can sit and call the person they abused that.
  9. At this point I wouldn't go back and ask "why did you say that" or try to talk with him about it. Along with trying to confuse you, he's not going to fully explain so it's useless to try and understand what he's thinking. I love YouTube, search grey rock and see what it is. When he's acting like that, go grey rock.
  10. Dreams are really interesting. In the past after a breakup I would start having very vivid and dreams I can control (forgot the name). I'm not sure exactly why but it's almost like you are free in your mind to think for yourself again? Maybe you had it in your mind right before bed?
  11. How do you tell the difference in getting fleas and being the abusive one too? I'm struggling with some of the things I've said that were in retrospect abusive like calling her crazy, saying she needs meds, and a few other things. I feel like a terrible person. I don't understand how my few transgressions are being pointed out but her many are forgotten by her.
  12. Yup I don't even like when she is awake in the house much less the same room. When she leaves I feel a huge sense of calm and peace. I'm sure my stress level and blood pressure is higher than normal. I'm sorry you're having to go thru this I have a friend who's husband made her so scared she is on antidepressants.
  13. She didn't demand I forgive and forget, she just said that since God forgave and forgot her sins I can't hold it against her anymore. Yes this sounds very convenient and unfair to me. I forgive her but I'm not sure about forget, to me to do that is like saying it's ok. There have been a few times where I lashed out at her and berated her, but those few times are nothing compared to the many. She mostly did it behind closed doors and ironically said "he brings me to tears just not when y'all are around" It makes me feel like I'm crazy and the problem.
  14. I keep having setbacks I'm sorry to keep replying over and over almost the same thing. Im starting to second guess if maybe I was verbal at times. I sometimes read what she tells friends, probably not good to do but it gives me an idea of how she thinks. She claims to have been forgiven by god so I must forgive and forget. When I said I can't forget, she said well then you don't really forgive me. To make things worse she's still here and seems to not be in a hurry to leave. I'm second guessing if I gave up too soon or if it's half my fault. I for some reason care what people think of me and I feel like all of her friends think I'm this terrible person. It hurts my heart. One of there boyfriends called me a wimp(he used another word) because I said she verbally abused me along with other ways. I shouldn't have told her that every I guess everything I say backfires on me with her. I don't understand how a man is automatically weak for "allowing" it. She even said I pushed her buttons and got mad when she raged, which is not true. Pushing buttons is not something I like to do its mean and cruel. I won't say I've never done it, but 99% of the time I'm not, why expend the energy to do that? I've tried to stay away from home as often as possible but I wish she would just leave.
  15. It's a long read but man does it hit home. I actually got angry reading it. It's very accurate.