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About Sickandtired

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    Welcome Newbie
  1. Thanks everyone - The whole thing was so bizarre to me, and now he is trying to act like nothing happened. This was actually one of the more mild disagreements for most of it, but it is something totally unrelated to our marriage, and something that he has harped on for years. The BMI gaslighting thing really was insane - I know he's been gaslighting me about a lot of things, but, since it's gaslighting its hard to put my finger on it sometimes - but this time it was totally black and white, and so totally easy to check! And it's so strange to me that he would just act like everything was normal now. He's in a different city right now with the older girls, I have the littlest with me at my parents' place, and it's been so nice to have some separation right now. We go back tomorrow, and I will have to drop the divorce bomb. I can't do this anymore, and I'm sick of it. It's so strange to start to put the pieces together and see the cycles. It's like the logical side of my brain is diagnosing and recognizing all of these red flags finally, and the other abuse compliant side is lagging behind, saying "holy crap, that can't be right, this isn't happening"...
  2. Yesterday we got into a fight about gluten of all things - he said he wanted us to start feeding our kids more healthy things, which I said "sure" to... (everyone could stand to eat a bit better - we don't eat a bunch of crap really, but there is always room to do better) but then he proceeded to lecture me about how I am giving them "poison" and that I could "stand to lose 8-10 pounds" and that I wouldn't want to end up like my parents who are both in such terrible shape in their 60's that if he was like them he'd "just kill himself." (My mom has lots of autoimmune diseases and arthritis, which he eventually blamed on her and her not "taking care of herself" like he does...my dad is actually pretty much okay, just getting old.) Then he got online while I was sitting there and looked up healthy/overweight BMI.... he asked me what my weight was, put it in, and then said "see, even the government says you're overweight!"... the argument kept going, I told him to leave, and then ignored his calls and texts... the next morning I did the same... but I had a sneaking suspicion about something, so I also got online to check out the BMI calculator, using the numbers I gave him... and it didn't even say I was technically overweight - said I was "normal". He just lied about it to make me feel worse. This morning he wanted to keep the same argument going, which I wouldn't do... later today he eventually said he was sorry "IF he had said something mean"... He just dragged my parents through the mud, accused me of feeding our kids poison, lied about something that I could actually CHECK to make my weight sound worse than it actually is, and then apologized for "if" he was mean. I just can't understand it...
  3. Thank you BlueSkies... You are right, and I know all of it on some level. It is so bizarre to me that he doesn't see how he is - and that has been hard to reconcile. He denies saying really hurtful things that I remember as clearly as if they were said yesterday. The divorce will be epically awful I think... I have been paralyzed with the fear of what that will entail... but I know I have to do it...
  4. This is my first post here - I've been married to my husband for 17 years. He's had two affairs (12 years ago and 2 years ago) and since the second affair I have been in therapy - I've been able to see the cylce of narcissistic/emotional abuse that we've been in since the beginning through help from my therapist... I had no idea there was even a name for narcissistic abuse until then, and it's been a painful and long "awakening" since learning more about it, and revisiting/remembering situations from our marriage through that lens. Right now we are technically separated, but he wants to move back in. I have resisted as much as I can, but still find myself giving in to him and not fully closing that door, just to keep the peace, while quietly arranging things on the side to be able to get out - I have a lawyer ready, and supportive parents and friends. Intellectually I know I Need to get out - over the years he has shown all the signs and cycles of Narcissistic abuse - belittling, insulting, controlling, rage when he is challenged. He is fairly textbook, although I still find myself doubting it all sometimes - so hard to accept this as reality. He said he went to therapy for six sessions but that the therapist said there is "nothing wrong with him" and that he didn't need to come back. (obviously a lie) Most recently when I told him we should divorce, he grabbed the ATM card and a shared credit card out of my wallet and crushed them in his hand, told me they were his and to "prepare for war", all after pulling me in to a doorway of a closed business on a main street (we were out to dinner when we had the talk) and not letting me leave or walk away. That was just two weeks ago... The monday after that I contacted the lawyer. The weird thing is that other than that, he is in a phase right now where he is tying to be nice - as long as everything is how he wants it, he's fine. Part of my brain still wants to keep the peace and not rock the boat and all of that - but now that I"ve had this realization of his abuse, I know I need to go. A part of me can't believe I am able to just compartmentalize all of this - even that last outburst, and still actually feel guilty about leaving. We have three small kids, I"m terrified of how he will react to it (I don't think he will get physically abusive, but I dread the things he will likely say to the kids and how hard I think he will make this process.) I have been faking things for so long, and my faking it right now has meant that he's being nice - and it's so hard for my to overcome the urge to just allow it to float because he's being okay right now... comparatively I guess. I'm not being true to myself, and that is making me lie to him too - I feel awful, like I am so far from the person I think i should be, and used to be. Any advice for gathering and keeping the resolve to leave even in a "good spell"?