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SMB73

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  1. I think protecting yourself is a good thing and you shouldn't feel obligated to be friends with his friends if you are feeling vulnerable! There was one friend of my ex who I think was disordered herself who I blocked right after deciding to breakup with my ex. The others , I contacted on Facebook and didn't tell them the whole story but implied my ex might have issues but I was letting them decide if they still wanted a friendship with me (just on fb.) and telling them NOT to get in the middle of it and none of them unfriended me and all of them have been appropiate. I think since you were considering uprooting your life for this person, you are entitled to not want reminders of "what might have been". Even if they turn out to be lovely and supportive, you might think "if only.." Better to grieve the loss and to get on with life. It is fantastic that you broke up with him!! And I totally get feeling guilty about just blocking your guy, but I think in this type of situation, your mental health should come first. (And my ex did the I will kill myself thing as well, which made me really sad but decided that my mental health was more important at that point.)
  2. I suspect if we did a survey that we are all people who want both people to "win" in a relationship and that we would rather hold stuff in than to be "mean" For me, I was only "mean" in one other relationship and I was 19, he was my first relationship and I don't think he was disordered, but more spoiled and young. I also ended that relationship as soon as the outdoor voices inside started going . With my abusive ex, I felt like we had made a commitment to each other and I felt bad for his childhood.
  3. It took me awhile to get to the not wanting to write a break up note but I think the public porno video , coupled with the dating profile from when we were still trying to work it out just made me lose any residual feelings I may have had. I think he made a wrong calculation with me. I think he thought my disability would make it easier for him to isolate me . Also, I have friends but am usually a very private person just because I don't like unsolicited opinions as I tend to like overanalyze opinions and so it's not like I have surface relationships but my family is the only one who knows my deepest darkest secrets because they know me. So I think he thought that he could isolate me, move me out of my family home , and then he could take over my "care" and not have to do other work. Well besides totally loving my parents, I just couldn't think about how it would work on a practical level. We live in a pretty high rent area and I didn't think we could afford a place, (well a safe place.). Plus he had awful credit history (imagine that) Also, even when I still really was into him, he was an ok caregiver in a pinch but I thought he wouldn't be able to handle it day in and day out and if I wanted to look presentable when I went out. (I'm femme and definitely have a beauty routine .)
  4. Both my bad ex and another pretty good ex had anxiety. (have.) The way the deal with their medications speaks volumes. My bad ex didn't really seem to try while my pretty good ex was vigilant about making sure both his meds were working and that he got therapy as well. (He had a terrible childhood but was never a victim about it,)
  5. That must be really hard. I can't imagine not having the support of your family and friends. In my case, the domestic violence organizations haven't been really helpful as they tend to deal with more physical violence which he has never done. My dad is hates my ex and both my parents would rather me be alone than with someone who treats me with disrespect. This seems like a great place to talk to people who get it and at least you have the people here.
  6. Love this !! Although I actually am not that lonely. I have several good friends and have gotten closer to a couple of people since coming out about my abuse/
  7. Originally when I was decided to break up with my ex, I was going to have us sit with my therapist and for me to say I was over and all of that. When I told my ex that I wanted us to meet with me therapist (who he knew and had worked with.) and my ex said that he wanted to meet with his therapist (who I had never met and suspected that my ex had told him lies about me, plus a hassle for me to get to.). Then I was going to write him a nice note, but was worried he might seek revenge on me and during that time I found out about the girl he is seeing. (on fb.) I was still considering a note but then a found a dating profile with porno on it and decided I owed him NOTHING and just blocked him from everything (The last time I responded to his email was to talk about going to my shrink.). I think we have to do what makes sense for us. I bet most of us wouldn't behave like this in a regular breakup but once we have decided no more we need to be a little selfish and do what us best for our health.
  8. I love the term "reactionary abusive". At the end of my relationship, I wasn't actually mean or something but just not responding to him and my ex said I wasn't as nice as I used to be. I was basically checked out. I also used my outdoor voice in public and interrupted him, but I certainly wasn't proud of it and not too long after I was starting to be my worst self was when I realized that he was pushing me too far. I also suspect if someone was physically aggressive if I couldn't calm them down, I would do what I had to defend myself. Melinoe, I agree with Blueskye . Think EXTREMELY carefully before moving for him. So grateful I never lived alone with my abuser.
  9. Hi Everyone: I am new here. Was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a little under 4 years. He was the victim type and so at first it was all about how everyone had been terrible to him and I was the only one who understood him. He had had a really terrible childhood but I think he has never really tried to rise above it. I have a disability and get government benefits but my parents highly subsidize me and so like 4 or 5 months into the relationship, he was sad about a financial setback and said he may not be able to see me for awhile and I said I could help (He was working and not paying much in the way of rent but is a big hoarder and spends money on stuff.) He accepted without much in the way of protest which should have been a sign. I also paid for the majority of our dates (I mean for both of us) but he was sweet and seemed to really love me. A couple of months after I offered to help the first time, he asked if I could help with something very minor. I was a little taken aback but thought if I was having financial issues, he would help. I had forgotten this, but he also asked a third time and I didn't have that kind of money so I told him no. At the time, I thought he took it well, but rereading the email yesterday, it seemed like he was irritated. (Not a lot, but more than you would be if you were asking someone to do you a favor for the second time.) Then time stopped for five months. But let me back up for a second. About 9 months after we met, we got engaged. Legally, due to my benefits we couldn't get married but had a big engagement to do . (paid for by parents and grandparents. It was also a milestone birthday so would have had a party anyway but it might not have been so big.) Now, the five months time stopped. I was diagnosed with a very severe, potentially fatal, but in this case treatable illness (trying to keep this vague as I was unique case.) Though normally really not the case, I ended up having to stay in the hospital for all the five months I got treatment. My ex was really great and supportive. My parents were my main advocates, as I wanted , but my ex stayed a lot of nights. At the time he had a job some nights and my parents offered to pay for nights he would have gotten overtime but me/them wanted him to sleep in my room. I forget if he protested as my mind was preoccupied and I was on heavy drugs. I felt like we were all a team. After my stay, I was in convalescence at home for a few months and I asked my parents if he could stay at the house when he wasn't working at night and they agreed . (I live downstairs from them.) He had been evicted from his previous apartment. The first sign of trouble was that we told him he could only bring in a little of his stuff to our house and he brought a lot and wouldn't clean up when I asked him to. My parents are my caregivers and did all of it for the first three months after my hospital stay. But then my ex started to a little bit (and not very good.) as well as driving me a handful of meetings to political meetings. (With my car, me paying for gas and usually me buying him a meal.) And doing this time, he decided to change jobs so basically lived with me. He also started drinking a lot, and I joined him, but not quite as much. He started saying that he should get a third of my care money that I get from the government and my parents loved me but were taking advantage of me. Well, my dad has a job that pays A LOT more than the care money he receives . (Oh and they had just paid for my hugely expensive commitment ceremony,) He was drinking too much by that point so I told him no talking until he got help. Which he did and I thought he would get better in terms of my parents, but he didn't . finally he forced me to write a note to my parents saying that they needed to give him a third of the caregiver money or we would leave. ( His ex, who I didn't like, offered to have us stay at her place while we got it together.) Of course my parents were upset and told me that we needed to talk. Luckily, the practical side took over and I stayed and he stayed, This is getting long, so will just summarize the main lowlights. My parents needed to do repairs so they asked him to go. He preceded to have his psychologist call a social worker on me saying I was being abused by my parents. I wasn't, not by a long shot. He got really upset that after that they didn't want him at their house. I kept trying to explain but it never took. He started telling me that my parents were holding me hostage and just wanted me for my money. As I said, I am HEAVILY subsidized by them and most months it is either a break even thing or I'm draining money from them . (And THEY have NEVER made it seem like it was a burden, they just want me to have a great life.) Kept saying both that I made him lose all his money and that he doesn't care about money, he just wants to live with me. Made fun of my political work . (And we were similar, but just a little different , in that area. Think of last years primary,) Told me I should have someone with me all the time that would get paid (like him!) in case I got run over by a car. I have NEVER wanted that and though I live with my parents, consider myself pretty independent in terms if getting out in the world. Kept saying both my family and I were irrational (god forbid we have feelings) Said it was a burden to come to me to see me so insisted I come close to him, then preceded to yell at me that we didn't live together,. Said all the right things to the psychologist I insisted we see but then seemed to never have any epiphanies. So by October of this year, I was about over but was busy planning a social event and doing political work. After the election, I wasn't in a talking mood and was watching stupid tv . (I hope that is a apolitical enough.) So he calls my social worker and tells her that my parents locked me up in house with no phone. I had a few angry notes to him that day and he kept saying nothing was his fault. I was worried about breaking up with him on my own and my psychologist agreed to be the witness so I told my ex and he refused to come. Basically since December I have been building up my support system. I decided that I really didn't want to be with him on Valentines Day so planned to write him a good bye note before then . (He has kept writing "I miss you" notes and I haven't respond.) Anyway, last week I discovered he has had an online dating profile since August with porno of him in it, (The porno was from this Janurary so technically fine but you know disgusting and we aren't young either!) So Monday just blocked him from all my social media , email and calls. (I am on a family plan with my dad so I have to go with him to block texts but we plan to do that this weekend.) I usually at least write a breakup note or something but feel he deserves NOTHING. There is more, but that should get you started.