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About Vickeee

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  1. I'm sorry. There's nothing you could have done. Nothing. There was nothing you did to cause him to be abusive. My longer ago ex that I was with for 12 years was very verbally abusive, he got married recently. I couldn't go no-contact because we work in the same field, and it's a very small world. Their relationship looked so good from the outside that I started to wonder if it was me, if I was too unyielding, I'm not exactly laid back. Nope. It wasn't. Next time I saw them, she looked really upset, really upset, and he had that look on his face. I know he's doing the same thing to her, I know that look. I feel really bad for her. I hope you feel better soon. Try not to be hard on yourself. It's natural to have those feelings.
  2. It's abusive. You're not his child, you're his partner. It's the whole control thing, he's the king and you are only there to serve him, how dare you think/act for yourself when he feels he needs to take over. I hope that makes sense. If he wasn't abusive he would never behave this way about money in the first place. You'd be able to come up with some sort of budget together, and there would be autonomy within the mutual system. If he wasn't abusive this would never be a problem in the first place. Of course you feel uncomfortable talking to him about money. It makes perfect sense. Do you know how he's going to react? He abusive. It's not possible to even have a conversation with abusive people. Your input doesn't really count, in fact, it's an obstruction. His behavior is NOT normal.
  3. I'm still working on dealing with the awful waves of pain. Can you move to a different town so you can attend meetings without seeing him? I don't know. I'm sure you've already considered that. Are there virtual meetings? Can you go to NA meetings until he stops hogging? Are there any woman only meetings?
  4. I'm so sorry. Quaddie is so right on. The whole thing about him admitting that you disappointed him, like it's a kindness to tell you the *cough* truth. Seems like he's just saying whatever you'll believe to use as an excuse. Sociopaths are fantastic liars. I had an abusive ex that I went to couples counseling with and his behavior became so devious. He changed tactics, not abuse. It was just so well hidden that I could no longer call him on it. It was still abuse. I might be projecting, but it seems like he might be doing that. I'm so sorry. I can see how hurt you are. You deserve so so SO much better. It takes time to process it. Realizing that you weren't loved for you, but for what you could provide. Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs
  5. Like already stated above, there is no good way. None. I was once asked to communicate what was bothering me by touch, because communicating using any words was still too upsetting for him. It was insane. You're not responsible for his behavior. His telling you he wasn't blaming you and then blaming you sounds really manipulative. I found that writing down the incidents helped me sort things out a lot. I used a password protected journal that he had no way of accessing. Make absolutely sure he can't read it if you do write it down. When I was feeling confused I would go and read my past entries. It made the flat out lies easier to spot and brought some clarity to the entirety of the situation. Mine said I was always mad too. He was lying. It seems like he's the angry one, screaming and all. You deserve so much better. The book that Quaddie mentioned above is really eye opening.
  6. I'm sorry Fluffyflea. They do. Happy belated birthday!
  7. Whenever I would tell him how I needed respect, he would respond by saying something like: and my need for respect doesn't matter?!!!!! It was constant. The stuff they say is unbelievable. How do they learn to do this? It IS amazing that they all use the same techniques. I think I was his container for his short comings, bad feelings and mistakes. It seems like he wanted me to cary it around for him. I oscillate between feeling guilty and feeling angry about the way I was treated. Good for you!
  8. Huh, so that's what that is. It's really great that there's a word. I imagined that hoovering would be nicer, or less insult-y, not a crazymaking mean word mash. What you wrote makes a lot of sense, that it keeps me thinking about him. I had this thought a long time ago, that I was seeing what I wanted behind his actions, like that he was being honest and had good intentions and wasn't seeing him, and he wasn't seeing me because he kept attributing all these malicious things to everything I did. If anything negative could possibly be associated with my words he would assume that was the meaning. So we weren't seeing each other at all. Which is sad. During the entire relationship I kept trying to show him who I was so that would see me and he never did, but I see him now. It's so odd. Thank you for your response. It really helps explain it, which makes it easier to get out of my head. I just have to keep remembering. I created a mail filter as well now so if anything does get through it goes straight to trash.
  9. Thank you appletree. The support helps so so so much. I know it's not my problem, how he's reacting, but it still hurts. Knowing he's been lying to me, the complete disregard for what I've said and written to him and him making my experience, that he doesn't know, into his narrative, like I'm not a person
  10. Ok, so I guess he can say whatever he wants. I'm not going to bite. I might be upset about it, but I'm not going to let him know. He can go f%$k himself
  11. Good idea. Thank you. It really helps to have the support. Knowing that he's been lying to me about how busy he was at work and how he couldn't spend time with me because of that and then standing me up too. It really hurts, and then turning it all around on me.and complaining about how I've been reacting to how he's been treating me. I mean really???
  12. I got a really long email telling me how I'm defensive, and how things are my fault and how he's taken time off work because of how he's been feeling about me, how he might even need to be institutionalized! How he lied to me about it because he's so confused about how he's feeling, and how I messed up his work. I don't know how it got through. I blacklisted him. Anyways, part of it is asking for my advice about how I would have handled my horrible behavior if I was him, and why he wouldn't apologize when he knew he offended me. He didn't offend me. He compared me to his exes, sexually, negatively. I wasn't offended. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach, I was so hurt. I let him know this. I'm not sure what his goal is, but getting to be with me doesn't seem like it. WTF. How would he think this type of email would do anything? He puts the blame back on me so he could have a clear conscience. It's like a 700 word email telling me how horrible I am and how he's so hurt by me. In one part he says he showed his psychiatrist my txt messages so he could know if he was being defensive and then that was the end of that. It's almost funny. Then he goes on to talk about how bad he feels that he has any needs and then skips to how he doesn't know how he's been feeling. It's really all over the place. I'm not going to reply. I put his email into the blacklist again. I don't know how it got through
  13. Thank you for your responses. They gave me the courage to send my text. I did it, and then I blocked him from everything I could think of
  14. Wow Fluffyflea. Can you even imagine treating someone like that? I just blocked him on my emails. Going to send the text after I finish working today. I have a deadline that I have to focus on and I can't afford to be really anxious until I'm done
  15. Thank you. I keep thinking how much it would hurt me if I got broken up with via txt, then I feel guilty. But I also wouldn't treat anyone the way he is treating me, the person he claims to love. I found http://youarenotcrazy.com today. I can't remember if it's in the resource page here. I know I can just check, but I kind of feel overwhelmed. It has a real recording with the abuse pointed out in a transcript if you click on "the quiz". It sounds so familiar. Listening to it I feel more sure in my decision. I'm making a block list, to try to not forget anything.