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Melinoe

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About Melinoe

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  1. I haven't read this book myself, but my therapist mentioned the "dream woman" part to me, about how it explained that at the beginning of the relationship I was wonderful and flawless in his eyes: because I fit into his "dream woman" fantasy, and he barely knew me so it was easy to adore me. But once he saw I was a normal human with thoughts and feelings that challenged him, I slipped out of the "dream woman" box so he had to control, criticize and bully me back into the fantasy. I wonder if I had read that book, and tried to write up an agreement, if it would have worked? Probably not, since he thought I was the abusive one, and we couldn't even have conversations about feelings. I can imagine a lot of people would see such an agreement as a threat. I didn't realize Evans wasn't a licensed therapist.... that is kind of disappointing. I did read her book "Victory Over Verbal Abuse" and found it helpful, and of course her "Verbally Abusive Relationship" book was the one that clued me in to the fact that I was in an escalating verbally abusive situation! Edit: oh whoops I didn't see the original date on this thread! Haha
  2. Thank you for this post! I struggle with this a lot because I do beleive that we have the power to change ourselves, but I know that most abusers choose not to change. I got a weird little blip from my ex, via triangulation, where our former landlady called me to tell me he was in therapy because he realized he had "commitment issues". It made me wonder if he was actually not abusive at all, if he was really seeking out help. Maybe I was wrong about him, and he would heal all that anger and self-hatred he put on other people. I've often wondered if I'll ever hear from him again (after 12 years of no contact, it freaks me out to think that really any amount of time can pass and they'll still sneak up into your life like that), and if I should do the "right thing" (as you thought) by being civil and responding. But I realize that even if he does become one of the rare few who truly changes for the better, the fact is it won't do any good with me. And getting back in contact would only cause more pain and confusion, because they really don't change - they just change tactics. Let them go off and be healed, changed beings with someone else, that's fine, whatever. It's ok to take care of ourselves, that's the right thing to do! I gotta remember that. Thank you again for sharing this!
  3. Good one Darci! This was something that started happening for me near the end! He actually asked me a couple times if my friends, my therapist, or someone else was influencing me. He didn't seem to believe that I could be having these thoughts of my own accord. I was misunderstanding, making assumptions, being influenced by someone else, it "wasn't the real Melinoe" speaking, I didn't know what normal was, etc etc etc. It was so diminishing and alienating. Huge red flag.
  4. Ugh! This really resonates with me. The betrayal is everywhere because not only are you betrayed by the abuser, but they are so good at manipulating you into believing that you have betrayed yourself. That it was all you, even when they admit that they did something wrong - it was still you who trusted and forgave them, you who believed in them and doubted yourself, and wasted your efforts. I remember that feeling of realization, knowing that things were irreparably broken, and he blamed me for it, and I blamed me for it too, even as I knew it truly was because of his choices and actions. Because he had been so good at encouraging that inner sense of betrayal, that weird ouroboros of powerful powerlessness - he didn't DO anything, but if he did I had LET IT happen, so the fact that it was his fault was actually my fault. Total brain meltdown. Don't beat yourself up or think the expression of your good qualities were wasted! Yeah he doesn't/didn't deserve them, but that is nothing on you. He chooses to be undeserving. Being a good decent person who sees the best in others is never a waste. You are expressing the most beautiful aspects of your heart, that is what they are there for. He will try to poison those parts of you so that you feel bad about it, regret that you have such qualities, maybe even stop using them. Celebrate the fact that despite all the blame, abuse, and negativity he is trying to sling at you, those good parts of you can not be destroyed. It is a sign of your strength and brilliance, not a sign of waste and weakness!
  5. Was this a youtube video? What are they? Let me guess... "I am in counselling now and/or I want to go to counselling with you", "Remember all these good times we had together? Everything was so perfect, we can have that again", "I want to work on us, I'll do anything!", "I'll always love you no matter what, you're my soul mate and I just want you to be happy", "Can we stay friends, I can't imagine my life without you", "I can't believe you're doing this to me, you're an uncaring, unreasonable person and everyone else I've talked to agrees with me, don't talk to me any more!".... just trying to think of all the things that I got to hear!
  6. Hi there! I wasn't around when you first came on the forum but nevertheless I am SO happy to read your success story It is wonderful to feel all the self-empowerment, hope and optimism in your post. It really is the smallest step that starts us on the most powerful journeys. I wish you all kinds of luck and joy on your continued adventures in building a life of safety, support and love! <3
  7. For me, I am focusing on rediscovering who I am. Finding out what I like, what I actually want from life. I spend a lot of time asking myself questions. Even small things like realizing what I like to eat. I journal a lot about realizations I have, and making notes as my intuition starts coming back, bit by bit. Any time I have a sudden idea out of nowhere (like "I'd like to learn how to make candles") I'll scribble it down. I don't actually DO very much...and I'm trying to be ok with that. I get impatient about not transforming my life more rapidly, but I am trying to be gentle with myself. I know that in time I will be plenty productive. For now, I'm letting myself decompress over this huge change in life plans, writing down anything and everything that comes into my head about myself. Sometimes that means confronting the stuff that the ex told me about myself, and disproving it. I'm beginning to remember that only I can define myself. I got a book called "Victory over Verbal Abuse" by Patricia Evans, from the library. It's got an affirmation for each week of the year, and I am really liking working through them. It's a really empowering book.
  8. I'm so sorry Fluffyflea. I'm experiencing a lot of that too. The doubt, the wondering "what if I had just...?", the mourning of the loss of those promises and the "good times", and mourning again as you realize the "good times" were not even real. Yesterday I even went on one of those anonymous sites where you can talk to a random person, because I needed a total stranger to validate that I had good reason to leave, that there was really no way to "work it out". 3 weeks no contact. It feels like it's been 3 months. I get so impatient with myself for still struggling with these thoughts, for taking so long to rebuild my destroyed life. But we are doing the best we can. We are doing great. I downloaded a breakup app that gives me inspirational quotes all the time, reminding me that I did the right thing. It helps. I'm so sorry
  9. Hello, welcome to the forum. What you describe is so familiar to me, and to many of us I am sure, because like Fluffyflea says: abusers are eerily "text book" in their tactics of intimidation and control. The screaming, the turning blame around and making you responsible for their reactions, the confusing conversations that go in circles and leave you puzzled for hours or days about what happened, and not allowing you to leave abusive conversations without getting guilt-tripped for it. It is NOT all in your head. Of course you are not perfect. Nobody is. But that does not mean you are responsible for his choices, his feelings, his reactions, his behaviour, how he deals with his "issues". You do not MAKE HIM do anything. Especially since the things you are supposedly "doing" that are pushing him to the brink of mental breakdown? ....are totally normal life things. Oh dear, your bills are late. Oh, you hung up on him. Oh, you want to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Apparently these are grounds for a complete meltdown and all-out attack, but they are ordinary things that happen sometimes, and if his mental health was stable, he could easily deal with it and find "better ways to communicate". Like, seriously. It blows my mind how they all do this - project their own issues and actions onto the other person! Quaddie is right in that abuser's minds are wired a different way. They have a different reality because of their own issues and undeveloped emotional skills. My ex thought he was the reasonable, long-suffering victim in our relationship as well - I pushed him, provoked him, made him angry, made him do the things he did. Their logic is majorly screwed up. They think screaming, destroying things, hitting, blaming, threatening self harm, etc are logical reactions to dealing with their feelings, talking through issues, and protecting their "mental health". They seem unable to take personal responsibility for their own actions. Everyone here has wonderful advice and wisdom and they are all totally supportive. Keep posting and sharing, to help you make sense of things and get some perspective. It helped me so much and I hope it will help you too.
  10. I can understand this feeling I myself am just beginning to understand the depth of violation that happened in my relationship. It become almost normal when you're in it, so it takes a while for things to come into focus, and when they do, oh boy. It's like it's happening all over again. I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain. What happened was not your fault, it was wrong, and your voice and your feelings MATTER.
  11. Hey, good for you! And you sent him a message at least, that's something! You made a decision that you had every right to make, you told him about it, and that should have been the end of the story. It's his own problem that he doesn't respect your decision. I got lots of guilt and blame after I ended things too - and that was after 3 DAYS of trying to have an adult conversation about how I wanted out of the relationship. What kind of person was I, he missed work he was so devastated, how do I sleep at night, I didn't know how to have a relationship, I was just looking for any reason to break up and blaming him was a defense mechanism, blah blah blah. So you see, no way of breaking up is appropriate with them, regular relationship etiquette just doesn't translate. It is impossible to reason with them or have respectful discourse. So do not beat yourself up about breaking up over text. I felt the exact same way as you: over the course of the relationship I tried and tried to explain myself, share my feelings, share who I was, what I needed and ask for respect, but they just can't see, or won't see. They see something else in you - in my case I was an extension of himself, literally his other half, so all my negative emotions were a deep personal betrayal. They create a persona that suits their views and put it on you. It's so frustrating and eventually it wears you down. It's so unbelievable how they ALL use the same techniques, isn't it!? You did the right thing for yourself. You gave him, and the relationship, more than a fair chance, and you recognized it wasn't what you needed. That takes a lot of courage and I commend you! It might be really difficult the first little while, but it will get easier I am 10 days No Contact and it does get better. We're here for you!
  12. "I'll do whatever I can to help you...I care about your well being much more than my own" and he "meant everything he said" yet he menaces you and insults you when he couldn't change your mind! With manipulative people, their actions never match up with their pretty words.
  13. Fluffyflea, I feel your pain. It hurts so much when they put it all back on you! It's not fair. There is some consolation in knowing that such behaviour shows what kind of person he really is, and justifies your very wise decision to leave. Lizzibethak is right, you don't have to take ownership of it! They can think whatever foolishness they want, it doesn't make it true. I had a similar encounter with the ex about 5 days ago and I'm still struggling with it too. He projected on me hard, accused me of all sorts of things: of just looking for an excuse to leave him, that my obsession with abusive behaviour was because I had a guilty conscience because I was the REAL abuser and all his friends and family knew it, making fun of my need to use medication, calling me names, etc. It was obviously a last-ditch effort to hurt me as much as my leaving hurt him. I felt awful about it, because I tried so hard to be as fair, kind and rational as possible and it only made things worse. I know he's over there in his town telling everyone about how abusive and crazy I am. But again, I keep telling myself - they can think whatever they like, doesn't mean it's true. I am not the person he says I am, I'm the person I say I am. I say that over and over to myself. I also think of this quote by Walt Whitman: "Re-examine all you have been told...Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem" . You can dismiss whatever he says, as it is an insult to your soul!
  14. Hmm yeah, I had the same thought as Lizzibethak - him saying he's codependent and that that he has a history of dating women with BPD and he's tired of being the therapist in his relationships... that is a super weird, backhanded way of taking blame off himself - while appearing to take personal responsibility for healing. That is so devious and f'ed up for sure, to echo Quaddie! I remember having similar conversations in my relationship. Trying to communicate a need or an issue and almost... having it taken away from me, and used by the other person to hurt themselves, but it was still my fault because it came from me. It always left me feeling so unbalanced, confused and "crazy", like I had no control over what was happening or ownership of my own words and feelings. And even when your partner seems to want to work on the issue with you - finding a "compromise", or admitting they have a problem - it leaves you feeling... just not right. Even more confused. Healthy compromises don't feel like that. Healthy relationships and healthy arguments don't feel like that.
  15. Yes. Yes. you are both so right. Why is that so hard to spot and enforce for me? Well, I need to get that book on boundaries and start practicing, that's for sure.