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Melinoe

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About Melinoe

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  1. I can understand this feeling I myself am just beginning to understand the depth of violation that happened in my relationship. It become almost normal when you're in it, so it takes a while for things to come into focus, and when they do, oh boy. It's like it's happening all over again. I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain. What happened was not your fault, it was wrong, and your voice and your feelings MATTER.
  2. Hey, good for you! And you sent him a message at least, that's something! You made a decision that you had every right to make, you told him about it, and that should have been the end of the story. It's his own problem that he doesn't respect your decision. I got lots of guilt and blame after I ended things too - and that was after 3 DAYS of trying to have an adult conversation about how I wanted out of the relationship. What kind of person was I, he missed work he was so devastated, how do I sleep at night, I didn't know how to have a relationship, I was just looking for any reason to break up and blaming him was a defense mechanism, blah blah blah. So you see, no way of breaking up is appropriate with them, regular relationship etiquette just doesn't translate. It is impossible to reason with them or have respectful discourse. So do not beat yourself up about breaking up over text. I felt the exact same way as you: over the course of the relationship I tried and tried to explain myself, share my feelings, share who I was, what I needed and ask for respect, but they just can't see, or won't see. They see something else in you - in my case I was an extension of himself, literally his other half, so all my negative emotions were a deep personal betrayal. They create a persona that suits their views and put it on you. It's so frustrating and eventually it wears you down. It's so unbelievable how they ALL use the same techniques, isn't it!? You did the right thing for yourself. You gave him, and the relationship, more than a fair chance, and you recognized it wasn't what you needed. That takes a lot of courage and I commend you! It might be really difficult the first little while, but it will get easier I am 10 days No Contact and it does get better. We're here for you!
  3. "I'll do whatever I can to help you...I care about your well being much more than my own" and he "meant everything he said" yet he menaces you and insults you when he couldn't change your mind! With manipulative people, their actions never match up with their pretty words.
  4. Fluffyflea, I feel your pain. It hurts so much when they put it all back on you! It's not fair. There is some consolation in knowing that such behaviour shows what kind of person he really is, and justifies your very wise decision to leave. Lizzibethak is right, you don't have to take ownership of it! They can think whatever foolishness they want, it doesn't make it true. I had a similar encounter with the ex about 5 days ago and I'm still struggling with it too. He projected on me hard, accused me of all sorts of things: of just looking for an excuse to leave him, that my obsession with abusive behaviour was because I had a guilty conscience because I was the REAL abuser and all his friends and family knew it, making fun of my need to use medication, calling me names, etc. It was obviously a last-ditch effort to hurt me as much as my leaving hurt him. I felt awful about it, because I tried so hard to be as fair, kind and rational as possible and it only made things worse. I know he's over there in his town telling everyone about how abusive and crazy I am. But again, I keep telling myself - they can think whatever they like, doesn't mean it's true. I am not the person he says I am, I'm the person I say I am. I say that over and over to myself. I also think of this quote by Walt Whitman: "Re-examine all you have been told...Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem" . You can dismiss whatever he says, as it is an insult to your soul!
  5. Hmm yeah, I had the same thought as Lizzibethak - him saying he's codependent and that that he has a history of dating women with BPD and he's tired of being the therapist in his relationships... that is a super weird, backhanded way of taking blame off himself - while appearing to take personal responsibility for healing. That is so devious and f'ed up for sure, to echo Quaddie! I remember having similar conversations in my relationship. Trying to communicate a need or an issue and almost... having it taken away from me, and used by the other person to hurt themselves, but it was still my fault because it came from me. It always left me feeling so unbalanced, confused and "crazy", like I had no control over what was happening or ownership of my own words and feelings. And even when your partner seems to want to work on the issue with you - finding a "compromise", or admitting they have a problem - it leaves you feeling... just not right. Even more confused. Healthy compromises don't feel like that. Healthy relationships and healthy arguments don't feel like that.
  6. Yes. Yes. you are both so right. Why is that so hard to spot and enforce for me? Well, I need to get that book on boundaries and start practicing, that's for sure.
  7. Okay, another big one I missed. It did seem so logical and reasonable..... I secretly hated taking showers together. It was so annoying. I realize now how much reflecting and thinking I do in the shower. I couldn't do that if someone else was there.
  8. Hmm yes... I see what you are saying. I always felt weird that my ex was putting the onus on me to do certain things that I would never ask him to do if our situations were reversed. Like I was supposed to be moving to his country, but he wanted me to get the paperwork, fill it out, find the immigration attorney, make the appointments and phone calls. He wanted me to find us a home, in a place I knew nothing about. If he had been leaving his life to be with me, I would have felt it was my job to make arrangements and take care of things, because I was in a position of more privilege. He didn't seem to feel that way. Of course he spun it in such a way as to both talk me up and avoid responsibility: I was smarter and more capable, he was too dumb to figure it out, I wasn't working and had more time than him, he trusted me to handle it. So I felt I had to do it, and thought maybe if I was a different kind of person this would feel better and more fun.... but I kept thinking, shouldn't we be doing this together?
  9. Being afraid to talk to them about something that concerns you! Yes, I felt that too. Whether it was about my own feelings, or concern about their actions and choices, I felt it wasn't my place to question.
  10. Appletree - I know. It's amazing how obvious it's all becoming. Like coming closer to a treacherous shore through a dense mist...all the dangerous rocks and perils that were just shadows are there without any doubt now. I'm kicking myself as I figure out each new thing I ignored or didn't see clearly. MONOLOGUES and not letting you get a word in, yes!!! Also interrupting. Once I asked him if he could wait until I was finished speaking before he started responding - because he'd start monologuing over me - and the couple of times he managed to do that, he'd aggressively ask "Well, are you done? Is it my turn now?" and I felt even less heard than if I hadn't spoken at all. A few more I'm thinking of now: - Inability to be alone. Admitting or seeming like they can't be alone with their own thoughts and that they NEED people as a distraction. Constant texting, phone calls, constant activities, never any stillness. I know sometimes we all get like that. But not all the time. - Feeling like they can't "let their guard down" or "be their true selves", even around their best friend, until they've had a few drinks (or other substance). Being unable to sleep at night unless they use something to "stop the thoughts". Again, sometimes we all need that. But as a daily thing? Concerning.
  11. Ah this one sounds familiar! yes. another to add to my list: -Being super concerned about what I was telling my friends and family about him. Worrying if they hated him. Making sure they knew about the good things he did for me. Demanding that I make sure they understood I was the one at fault for arguments. Not wanting me to talk to anyone about my feelings or any difficulties in the relationship because of how it would affect people's perceptions of him. This one is complicated for me. Before my relationship I never would have thought this a red flag. I did not consider this a bad thing - I had a lot more trust that people really could be "just friends" with exes. But now.....yeah. Especially if the "friend/ex" contacts me with any weird messages? That's a bad sign. This one is probably going to be at the top of my list. Something I watch carefully for from now on. Inconsistent empathy.
  12. The angry driving and exaggerating of actions, yes! One time when we were driving, someone was tailgating him. He wanted to "teach the guy a lesson" and slammed on his breaks, and I was jerked forward pretty violently by it. I felt very unsettled by that event though it seemed to not be about me at all. I recall during some of our arguments where I thought I was being very calm, he would imitate me in this incredibly harsh, accusatory voice. And I remember thinking, "is that what I sound like to him? It's the exact same tone he used to quote his ex in..." And that got me wondering if perhaps his ex wasn't as outrageous as he always painted her. And not taking responsibility for results of his actions. That is a huge one. I think that one, coupled with the way he'd flip it around and blame, dismiss, or rationalize, is what made me start to realize we really weren't compatible. Funny how something so small can bother so much....
  13. I have been reading about that too. An abusive person projects that inner pain onto someone or something else, and rages at it.
  14. Thank you Starshine It was really hard at first. But it is getting easier each day. It really is kind of like a drug withdrawal. And I know I will see the ocean again! I will! And it will be better! A few days after everything happened I was writing really sad (and bad) poetry about all the things I'd never do with him again and how special and once-in-a-lifetime it all seemed then. But so much is possible in this world and in this life! I will sit on the sand with my beloved, watching seal-shadows in the waves, once again. And this time, it'll be for real.
  15. LOL, oh my goodness, I admit the "lousy sex" red flag made me laugh! I never thought of that....but my gosh, you're right! A weird, disconnected, unfulfilling sex life definitely counts as a red flag!. Yiiiiikes. I am thinking about it now and it seems more and more obvious what an unhealthy sexual relationship we had and the red flags within it.