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Deja Vu

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About Deja Vu

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  1. I only posted one other time under this name. I was a former member who got out of an abusive marriage 7 years ago. My new husband was laid back and sweet when we met. Not one argument in a year. He was always guarded and kind of secretive. He, too, came from an abusive marriage. When we moved in he occasionally would be critical, eventually would occasionally threaten the relationship...as in I have to re-think all this, This would occur when we got in an argument. I was strong through everything. Told him in no uncertain terms what I did not like. Particular on this part was his habit of assigning malicious intent to things I did or said...most of the things were innocuous to anyone looking in. We married 2 years ago. Last year he became more and more critical. I got that eggshell feeling and told him so. He was devastated and said he didn't want me to feel that way and he wondered if he was bi-polar. He said he wanted to see the doctor. The doctor said he had generalized anxiety and put him on effexor. My only other post here was when six months later we had to take him off as not only had the meds stopped working, but he was becoming a heavy drinker and hiding alcohol and lying to me (the meds have this side affect in a small number of cases which was confirmed). The withdrawal was hell in the way he treated me, but we got through it and things got better. We still had fights occasionally.....sometimes he would blame me for things that were his choices (he went back to smoking and tried to say it was because of a fight we had....he eventually admitted it was not my fault). When he fights, he also sometimes swears I have the order of things all wrong or that certain things happened that didn't or things didn't happen that did. I have been gaslighted previously, but I am not sure if this is what is happening or if he genuinely gets it wrong (at the best of times he has terrible focus and you practically have to hold his face and ask if he is listening as he often doesn't hear what I say.....almost and ADD thing). He will tell me I am twisting things to make them make me look good.....I think he is projecting because he is trying to make himself look good. Anyhow, he has been down with a back injury for over 2 months. I have done EVERYTHING around the house, (while working,....but I am a teacher so I am luckily off for the summer now), driving him everywhere, going to all dr appts, doing all the errands, and now, this past week, after surgery, helping him with self-care, from washing him to pulling on his socks and helping him to the bathroom. He was told to walk and is doing much better. He has been telling me how I am his angel, how he loves me so much, how he could not live without me........generally being great. Occasionally he has gotten nasty, though. Telling me I resent him and hate him, etc. When he calms down he says how frustrated he is at not being able to do anything and apologizes. Saturday we went to a market. Had a great time. Again, how he loves me, how awesome I am. We come upon a clothing booth similar to LuLa Roe. He knows I love those clothes and says honey take a look. I find stuff I love and although I hate spending money on myself, he says he wants me to get the three pieces I had. He said he wanted to buy them for me, that I had been doing so much for him. Awwwwww. So we get home and we have friends coming in two hours. He is very particular about the house being a certain way when people come. We both knew what was left undone when we went out. I was fine and knew I could clean up what needed to be done all by myself (I did not want him bending, stretching or twisting.....he had back surgery Monday and is not allowed). He started on how we are behind the eight ball, why was this all left, etc. I said I have this, just sit and rest. No, I can't, need to get it done. You start on this and I'll start on that. So I start vaccuuming and notice our dog peed on something (he has been marking). I pull the dog over and show him what he did, put the pee near his nose and swat him on the nose (a swat....I did NOT hit him, I would NEVER hurt an animal of any kind....heck, I save stink bugs) twice while saying no. I let him go and keep cleaning. Husband starts again how look all there is to do, why didn't I do this before we left, etc. Again, he criticizes. I finally said "you're right, its all my fault, I suck". He says oh, now you are going to start? You are flipping out? Uh, no. I say listen, we both knew what was to be done, we are fine, I have this. He says no, you are flipping out. You even grabbed the dog and were knocking his teeth in. I was outraged. I said did you just dare to say I was abusing the dog??? I swatted his nose and said NO. I did not hurt him. He said you were knocking his teeth in. I said I'm done...how could you say that to me. I took the bag of clothes he bought me and tossed them on the kitchen table. I said you know what, maybe you should take these back. He got angry and said are you really saying that?? I said when you give me something I associate it with the why and where. I had been told how it is because I am so wonderful and now you are telling me everything is my fault and that I abuse our dog. He was across the kitchen island from me. He picked up his fist, and was shaking it. He put it back down. He picked it up again, with a look of "you b*tch" shook it at me again and said "I want to knock your f*cking teeth in". I was in complete and utter shock. He has NEVER shown me violence before, I have never heard him talk to anyone in that manner. I said did you just threaten me? Did you really just threaten me? I don't know what made me do it.....I did it the one time my ex physically threatened me as well.....but I walked right up to him and said you want to knock my f*cking teeth out? Go ahead. He then looked shocked. He said I would never DO that. Well, you just threatened me. He said that is just an expression. That's just words. Then he tried saying that I THREW the bag of clothes at him (I threw nothing....I tossed it on a table in the other direction. And saying how I hurt him by saying take them back. I said so an appropriate response is to threaten to knock my teeth in???? He kept insisting he just said the wrong thing, He didn't mean it and how I knew he would never do it. Longer story short, he eventually apologized after I finally got him to understand the HUGE line in the sand that he crossed. He was also told if he EVER threatened me again that I would pack a bag and leave. I am in shock. I know this is not alright. The strangest thing was after it was over and apologized again (it took until the next day for all of this to be over....there was more to it, but this is the worst)......he said "I'm better now". I got this strange feeling that will all the guardedness and secretiveness that what happened was "an episode, or incident"........almost like he has a condition that he is aware of that creates this in him (he CANNOT stop once he starts down an argument and will say things like I HAVE to know why and can't let whatever it is go until he gets his answer)........but that he has never told me of whatever this condition is. It is just the feeling I have and I have extremely good intuition. I am still in much pain from this. Every time I look at him I hear those words. He has been trying to be nice and do things for me now, but he knows, and I told him that I am hurting and it will take time to work through it. He did not even say I love you to me last night, which is very out of character. One of my friends said she thinks he is pushing me out and that is why he is acting this way in the hope I will leave, but that doesn't feel right to me. Anyway, thanks for listening.
  2. Quaddie, If you look it up, the seratonine drugs (SRI and SNRI), they have a a side effect of alcohol cravings and alcohol abuse. I verified this with a pharmacist. It is buried deep in the warnings and is supposedly rare, but he said it also reduces impulse control and he felt the two together could definitely be at play. If you go online and look it up, a lot of people had that. There were studies where recovered alcoholics that had not touched a drink in 20 years could not control themselves, and folks who never drank more than a few drinks a year were feeling compelled to drink alcohol by the bottle. One woman I read about lost everything. Once she got off she was back to normal within a couple of weeks. My husband said he noticed it immediately....within days, but thought he was handling it. I did not notice it for several months. It got worse and worse. He did not realize the extent until even friends of his noticed it. He admitted it and this, combined with the fact it was no longer working....(also noted in studies is you need increasing amounts to get the same effect), we decided to take him off. Since he went off the drug, his drinking is normal again. Occasional. And I do not believe he is hiding it. Once I am aware of something, I am good at spotting it. This side effect is real, documented and terrifying, considering doctors tell you nothing of it.
  3. Hi, I am a former our place member. I got out of an abusive marriage 7 years ago. He was a man who was extremely emotionally, verbally, and in the end even became sexually abusive. A year later I met the man of my dreams. He was sweet, laid back. I could be myself and he enjoyed every bit of it. We moved in together a year later. We had had only 2 disagreements before we moved in and both times, we worked them out easily. He even knew how to say "I'm sorry" when he started it. I may give some more history down the line, but long story short, we married after 4 years together. Between the time I moved in and when we got married, there were fights. Usually he apologized after calming down. Unlike the other relationship, I did not just sit there and cry. I stood up for myself. A couple of the fights he became very strange. Made comments about money (or my lack thereof.....I have a job, but it pays very poorly compared to his), he would say how he needed to re-think things and made me feel unstable in the relationship, once he told me if I felt a certain way maybe I should move out and "don't take any of my turnips on your way out". Now, I should say that he had a previous marriage where his wife hid things, including not paying the bills, she had a felony charge for white collar crimes, which he had to bail her out of and which cost much of their savings plus a huge debt. He had his fears and issues due to it. I thought we could work through anything though, because he would admit his fault and try to make things right. As time went on I realized, and he admitted he is a bit OCD. If things are not in order the way he sees them, it makes him anxious and he gets snappy. If you talk to him, he gets defensive and feels you are critical even when you are not meaning to be. He, on the other hand can be very critical of how things are done and how things are said. He had me to a point where I again felt I was walking on eggshells. This was when I finally told him and he looked heartbroken and said he didn't want me feeling this way and he thought maybe he was bi-polar and should see a doctor. We went together. The doctor said he did not think it was bi-polar but that it was generalized anxiety. He put him on meds. At first they were wonderful. He was back to the man I met. No criticism, no anxiety, easy-going. As months went on though, it started coming back and as an added treat, he started drinking very heavily (a noted side effect of the medicine that the doctor didn't bother to mention). We agreed he should come off the drug. That was a tough road as he became belligerent, paranoid, it was horrible..........and all textbook for the withdrawal. A couple of weeks later, he was back to normal. At the end of the withdrawal we had a horrendous fight. My 19 year old son was home and said he was being extremely controlling and what he was doing was NOT acceptable. He had told me I needed to fix me within 30 days or we were over, he argued about me leaving to go for a drive....he never insisted I stay but begged no matter how much I asked just let me take a drive. He told me I probably drove my ex nuts and hinted I was the problem in that relationship. I said I was leaving and he told me if I left not to come back. When I said if that is what he wanted..... and he yelled some more and I slammed the door. he then jumped out of his chair and said "woman, if the cops come here tonight we are through". Things calmed down and he told me he needed to work on doing things better. His children have not seen him in years. His ex-wife kept them from him and despite court battles he still did not see them. I reached out to an adult daughter on his behalf and she started coming around. Things were good, or so we thought for a couple of visits. Then we asked a simple question and she flew off the handle and told us how we are doing everything wrong. I was there through all of it, and most of what she said is either a lie, or twisted to be malevolent. She doesn't think she wants to see us anymore. This happened last week. Since then my husband has been depressed and obsessed with what happened. He has been cranky. last night my computer developed and issue after I worked on a grad school paper all day. I was terrified I was about to lose all the work. He told me that I was freaking out (true) and it wasn't fair I was taking him down too (I wanted him to support me, hold me, tell me it would be all right...help me fix it). He told me to plug it in somewhere else and see if that helped (I'm trying to help create a solution). I walked across the room and plugged it in. He was sitting on the sofa near that outlet with his feet up. I asked him if he could move them a bit so I could sit down. he did not want to. So I sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. I needed the mouse, so I crawled in front of his other foot that was on the floor. He jumped up raising his voice that why was I so inconsiderate? Why didn't I go someplace else? I was shoving him out of the way (???) and I was treating him sh*tty. I was shocked and heartbroken....I needed support and got told how crappy I was. I let it go and he looked at the computer said he thought it was the cord and I needed a new one. I went upstairs to my work computer to order one and cried......the stress of work, grad class, his daughter, etc had gotten to me that day (and this is a very rare thing for me). I came down and he was better. Later I asked would he sit next to me and cuddle (still stressed). He said he wanted to stay where he was. A tear fell down my cheek......fine, I'll just move my whole self ....now you're looking at me like you want to kill me.....I said just stay but he came over. A few minutes later he said he was sorry he was being so inconsiderate and that everything would be ok while he held me. Today he seemed quiet all day (we both work from home). At dinner he brought up his daughter again. He said he knows she makes things up in her mind (and she does) and she is friends with me on facebook. He said he did not want me to unfriend her but that he doesn't want her seeing our whole life. I told him that I don't post that much and it is always positive stuff. Nothing she could use in a negative way. He said he doesn't know what is on my facebook and he doesn't want any problems. I said so do you want me to make it so she doesn't see anything or just things you are uncomfortable with? He told me I should figure it out and that I was being difficult, etc, etc. I thought it was silly as I don't put on anything that the entire world can't see. He said he doesn't care about strangers but he doesn't want her to take things out of context or use them against us. But again, don't remove her. I finally said I will exclude her from all posts. He went on about how I wanted him to tell me what I should and should not put her on so that when things went badly I could say "but you said" I said no, that is not the way I think. He insisted it was. I finally said I will just block her from post and walked back to clean the kitchen. He then said how I am treating him sh*tty. I said how am I treating you sh*tty.......he said you turned your back on me and are arguing. I said I told you I will just block everything from her and I walked inside because I don't want to fight. I then said you keep telling me how I treat you sh*tty all the time lately. It really hurts my feelings. He said again that I was. I started crying and saying I dont' know why you have me around since all I seem to be is treating you sh*tty any more. It kept up. He went upstairs and I gave it 30 minutes (which can sometimes work wonders) and tried to talk with him and he said he didn't want to discuss any of it. There is nothing to say. I said let me know when he wants to talk, but that he can't keep telling me daily that I treat him "sh*tty"......I treat him very well and I don't deserve it. And Saturday he told me how I am wonderful, his best friend, his baby, he loves me, etc, etc. I don't know what to think any more. I am not sure which is the real him. Is it stress that sets things off? Is it anxiety and OCD? His he abusive? I just am at a loss. Thanks for listening.