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Confused714

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About Confused714

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  1. This weekend hasn't been as rough as it has been lately. Fortunately that is nice because I am trying to hold off having to go until my mom is back and can help me. Doesn't mean things have been great though. He still makes snippy comments here and there. Gets frustrated sometimes with things I do because it doesn't go with what he thinks I should do. For example today we were out walking at the park with our son. He doesn't stay on the path. He is all over. He is super young so we have to grab him a lot and keep him out of the way of bikes and other people. Well a guy on a bike was coming and my husband grabbed our son. The guy said on your left so I stepped of to the right. My husband stayed on left side for some reason so the guy just went into the middle. Then he got snippy with me and said if I step over here you step over here. I just said " he said on your left". He was like " you are just never on the same page". I was just going by what the guy planned to do. He is also going off about how he isn't getting enough intimate time and I don't dress sexy enough. Wants me to wear tight clothes( even if uncomfortable) for him. Get all done up for him. I understand that you want to get dressed up for your husband sometimes but it hard to want to get done up when they treat you like crap. Make comments about your weight and their cute pet names are all not nice names dealing with weight. Who wants to be intimate then or take the time to get done up. On top of that I have a toddler and I don't really have a ton of time to get done up. He doesn't give me tons of time to go do my hair or put on makeup. I am usually doing all the childcare. He called me lazy again. It hasn't been as rough because he hasn't been screaming or yelling but still making comments I don't like and now I feel like telling me how I need to dress too. Is this controlling or am I just over reacting? Also my son was crying earlier and having a tantrum my husband looked at him and said " shut up" twice Is that considered abuse toward my son? On a good note I found a daycare that I liked by where I will be living so once I leave and get situated I do have a place Jst has availability and I really liked it. Once my mom gets back things will be easier for me to go because she will be able to help me by staying with him or getting him from daycare earlier than I could until I can get things switched.
  2. My husband pressures me for sex too. He says he doesn't get it enough and gets upset. Well of course I don't want to. I have no interest in it anymore because of the way he treats me. He kind of killed it. He will even want it after he has yelled and screamed at me all day. That night he will want to be intimate. How could he think I would want that or be into it after I was yelled at all day. I think you have a right to feel how you do. No advice though because I deal with it too.
  3. You could put her stuff in a storage locker and give her the combo for it. Text her the info and then block her so she doesn't have contact with you. Just an idea. I can't go completely non contact when I leave as we have a young son so it's hard. When I was with someone in my early 20's that was extremely abusive I did go no contact. He threatened to kill me on the phone if I ever cheated on him( I never did but he always thought I was). I just never went back or talked to him again. It's crazy how I am past that and never think about it but a few years ago he tried to add me on Facebook and it it caused my stomach to drop just seeing his name. I couldn't imagine having to come face to face with him or having him possibly walk into my house. My current situation is a bit different and I will have to communicate with him and see him unfortunately but he has also never threatened to kill me. I hope you continue to heal. I think it's normal to crave affection as well. I do already and I am not even gone. I am just not getting what I want and need now. I do know once I get the courage to walk away I have a lot of self healing to do before I try again because I don't want to end up in a situation like this again. I am just going to take care of me (and my son of course) for awhile. Good luck. I hope things keep getting better for you.
  4. I am happy for you that you were able to take the first step (even if it was forced). You are headed in the right direction now of healing for your family. I think I really needed to read this. I am in the same place as you but haven't taken that first step yet. I think that same wall is holding me back. My brain has let go of the bad side of him but the good side is the one that I have that wall for. It also helps reading that the details will fall into place. There have been little details that have kept me from leaving a few times as well. My mom told me that once. There will always be something. It will never feel like a good time. Those things can't keep holding me back. Reading this helps some with all the thoughts in my head. I am starting to get physical symptoms as well I think. I am only in my 30s but feel like I am much older. Have stomach issues. Anxiety issues. Even diagnosed with PTSD which totally shocked me. Tired all time. Never feel relaxed anymore. Get sick all the time. I am putting it all together now that it is from my life. Hopefully soon I can be posting that I made that first step also. Keep fighting. I am happy for you that you are on the other side now and hopefully things are only up from here on out.
  5. Last night my husband got mad at the cat for shredding the carpet. He got really upset and at one point kicked the cat. I don't know if he actually made contact or if the cat just jumped out of the way but the cat hit the door and his collar fell off. He is ok. I actually for the first time ever yelled at him. My question is this also abuse? He did this in front of our son. He wasn't mad at me. Just the cat but made me super upset he did this.
  6. I am honestly not sure about what is holding me back. There are a few things. First biggest is what will happen with my son. I still have to work and he will have to go to daycare. I don't have a new daycare by where I will be living yet. I keep looking but they all have wait lists. I'm nervous about taking him to daycare and what if he gets him and I can't get him back. Probably wouldn't happen like that but it's a fear. I can't take the time off. My family would help me but won't be available to help me until October. Out of town. That is stressing me out. I have never been good at standing up for myself. So many times I want to get the words out that I'm done and I just can't get them out. And then I think there just a small part of me that still thinks about the good times and the good side. He has been really good at times. I know it's not good to hold on to that. My brain knows this but is having trouble letting go still. I am becoming so much more aware and things are getting worse than they ever have been. I guess just wish someone could come and push me out the door. I know it has to be me though.
  7. So I have already met with a lawyer. I have some things out of the house although I'd like to get more out before I go. I need to get strong enough to go. It's getting worse. Today is a special day and we were heading out as a family. I asked my husband what he wanted to do. He gave me this list of things he wanted to do and get done. After he told me I asked him about something I had hoped to do with our son today that we had talked about for weeks. He kind of snapped back that maybe we would go but what he said didn't really sound like it was in his plans. I got really disappointed and I guess my body language gave it away and he didn't like that. Got all upset and then we began the arguement. He got like crazy mad. Start driving crazy. At least pulled over but came to my side and demanded I get out. Then made me drive. I was ok with that because he was scary. He demanded I go home. Said we were going home and I was going to hear him b**** all day. I didn't just ruin his day now I ruined our son's day. Well I turned around and drove us to the park anyway. My son wanted to go so we went. While we were there he continued to be angry. Kept saying what's my problem. When am I going to learn how to deal with his. I always go againist him. Funny thing was I never argued about going to do his stuff. I just wanted to make sure we did what we had talked about for our son. At one point he said the only thing he wanted to hear was "yes you are right. I will fix it" meaning my behavior. We finally left and went a few places. He seemed like he calmed down but got all worked up again on way back. We went to the store and I got snapped at right in the middle of the store as well. Then we home although he seemed calmer he made a snide comment about how he told me something before and I keep doing it. He asked me not to now and then said "just another thing I am going to have to remind you over and over and over since you don't listen". He only told me once and I thought it just meant that day. Not like forever. I am so frustrated. I know it is driving me closer to getting the strength to take that step out the door though.
  8. I am thinking about you. I hope you can get everything figured out and what's best for you and your kids happens. I can't offer much advice as I have not left yet but I am right on the edge. I am scared of some of the same things as you and I am really struggling. I hope you can get out safely and get your kids to safety and hopefully after everything else will fall into place.
  9. I see what your saying. I meant more I guess that would help me if he did something coming from him. Like if I just leave he will be like she didn't even give me a chance. Last time we had a huge blow up he wanted me to leave. I should have. I feel like it's something that would work with him but your right I don't want it to come back and bite me ether. I have a bargaining chip in custody when deali with money in divorce. I am willing to take less if he lets me have the custody agreement I want. Sad to say he will probably be willing to if means I won't be taking all his money. I just want to have my son with me the most time possible. I live in a 50/50 state though unless can prove danger to the child and even then they don't always go the right way. He has never hurt him and I have never had to call the police. I'm really struggling with how to handle this now. If it was just me I'd be up and gone. I don't want to handle the wrong way and end up in trouble or him with more custodu. It really scares me. I know I need to go and it's becoming more and more apparent by the day. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and hard place and don't know how to get out in the right way. I'd like to just go. One day not come home but can I get in trouble with my son. Do I call a lawyer immediately. How do I handle this the right way?
  10. I am getting closer I think to being able to get myself out. Things are getting worse. I think we are building to the major blow up. I know these episodes are all blow ups but he gets worse and there are major ones. That's what I guess I said I needed to leave. I think for some reason will help with custody. I think if I just left today he would just blame everything on me but if he knows he did something (like grab me again) I can say I told you if it happened again I was done. Would help with custody issues. I'm probably wrong but just how his brain works I feel like it would. This is last nights icident. He wanted to go out yet again. Even though our son didn't nap and was screaming. When I first got home I changed and then kept trying to talk to him but he just wouldn't respond. Then finally said "I'm going to bed". I said why. If you wanted to go out we were both ready. He was the one who wasn't. We finally left but he was still mad. I asked to stop and get food for my son who needed dinner. He drove through and then just parked. Again sat there not talking. Finally said "Do I have to tell you to do everything? Go get him food. Now we have to pick up from two different places again. I don't want anything from this f***ing place." I got my son food. Then he we continued to the park which was under construction. He said he wasn't going there and driving through that crap. I said you can go in the side. He then said "I am going to say it again. If I have to say a fourth time your not going to like it. I am not going there. Now you say ok." Waited. "Are you going to say it". I did just say ok because was upset. He then said " you finally f***ing learned to do something right". Then we went to park. More arguing back and forth. Other things were said like he called me an idiot. More lazy talk. Then he got in a better mood. Then driving home I said can you drop me and my son off at home and then pick up dinner. I'll get him to bed and then we can eat. Well I guess this was the wrong thing to say. He got all mad and said I pissed him off again. Basically thought was a horrible idea. Said some stuff but then said. Why would I drop you off, go back out and deal with traffic to get dinner and then get home. I won't be able to eat my dinner until 8:15." He asked why I would think this was a good idea. I said that it would allow me to get our son to bed who was already up late and if we picked up food on way home it would be later and my food would be cold by time we could eat. Well not acceptable answer. Guess it arguing with him even though he asked. We picked up on way home and I ate cold food just as I did on Sunday. There was more but I brought up how he calls me names. He admitted to it but said he hadn't last night (which he did) and how I shouldn't bring up old fights. Didn't apologize. I am now fully aware of the things he is doing. Now I just need to figure out how to get out the right way for me and my son. I am just so exhausted.
  11. I am pretty sure I am getting to the end of my rope here. My brain is starting to grasp that this really is abuse. I can't believe until a few months ago I never considered it. I just knew something wasn't right. Tonight we went out as a family to have dinner and enjoy weather. My son started whining. I made a comment about him being tired. I can't remember what my husband said. I then said I was just telling you he was getting tired and hungry that's why he is whining. He the got upset and said "how can I say this so you will understand? We are out. I don't need back talk. I need to destress from work" He tells me when I say things it's back talk. I might have worded that a little wrong but the was the main idea. He does stuff like this all the time. Yesterday he got mad about something and as he walked out the house I heard him say something and called me a lazy b****. I'm not sure if he meant for me to hear. He probably did. I am numb to this stuff now. Doesn't even make me cry anymore.
  12. I do feel like I am beginning to recognize things more for what they are. I am working with a counsler and also talking on here helps. I am not sure why I think they seem minor. I think I am not sure what is normal and it's hard to recognize that it's not small. I am working on that. I was in a really bad relationship in my early 20's that was even worse and maybe I am gauging it off that even tho this is just as bad. I also have been around it so long now that I'm not really sure how things are in a healthy relationship. That is what I want though. I want to feel happy and safe to be myself. I want to feel loved and cared about. I am hoping by learning about this and getting stronger will give me strength to take that first step Do you know of any good sites where I can read about this? I find things about the abuser minimizing but can't find much about why I would. Anything you can recommend would be greatly appreciated.
  13. Even when we are having a nice night I am noticing the little comments of control or put downs. Nothing major happened today but I guess I am paying more attention to what he says and know now what it is. We actually we having a nice evening. We went out as a family. I was going to do something and he said I shouldn't. Then have a good reason for it which I kind of agreed. Said it like a reasonable person would. Then I made a comment and he said "when I say no just go with it" in a way like what I say goes. It was not said nicely ether. I wasn't even arguing about it. I had agreed with him. Then when we were driving home in my car. Something is messed up with the seatbelt and it gets twisted a lot. It's been that way since I got it. He was driving so had to deal with it. Of course it's my fault it twists even though was like that when I bought it. He made the comment "what kind of person can't use a seatbelt". Even when we have a nice evening he has to ruin it with little things like this. I know they weren't major things but reminders when I start to doubt myself.
  14. You said it exactly right. Part of me wants to go and part wants to stay. The part that wants to go sees the abuse and knows how it makes me feel. I know that things will be so much better when I am away from it. The other side only seems to remember the good times. The time when he did treat me better or I felt happy. I know there has always been issues with him but it has definately gotten worse in recent years since we had a child. I know what's best for my son is to see a happy healthy mommy but it's still hard because he loves his dad. He is still young and doesn't understand yet what is happening but I know he will. I want the best life I can for him. I feel like my brain is having an internal tug of war. Maybe it's because I really do know it's nearing the time I have to take the first step for real and it's terrifying. I am also sad for the life I thought I would have. I was so excited to get married and thought we would have an amazing life together. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant and he actually was really good to me through all of that. Things have gotten pretty bad since then though and this is not the life I dreamed of.
  15. Why it so hard to just walk away? They treat us so poorly yet it is so hard to walk make that first step. I know what I need to do. I know it's never going to change. He won't get help and doesn't even seem to think there is a problem (except with me) yet it is so hard to just move forward. I do not fear for my safety if I go. I know some people do but that is one place that I do not worry. I will go to my parents and i also have tons of places I can go that are safe. I do worry about what is to come with our child. I worry about if he fights me on custody, I worry about what if he tries to take him and not give him back(although this is highly unlikely as he worries to much about getting into trouble and only has his house and his parents. He wouldn't just leave) Thoughts still run through my mind though. I have anxiety as it is and worry about those types of things. I know I will have to deal with him. I can't just never talk to him. Sometimes I do look at him and remember the good times and that makes it hard. When it's bad I'm sure I know. Why is this so tough.