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About Rensefx

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  1. Forever it would seem??? Sorry is that what you are thinking Vampydoll??? but I do agree with morning glory, bennu & quaddie - take matters into your own hands. Which is only contributing growth to your true self - set your boundaries!! I really HATE having to take the high road bitchy approach, but sometimes, it really is needed "says me, who is struggling in same situation!"
  2. I am so lost for words!!! Thank you all for your replies! Just after I wrote this, I spent the next few hours in turmoil! It was like - "OMG what have I done?" Like writing it down was akin to dobbing in the mafia!!! Throughout my experience I learned that sometimes emotional abuse is WORSE than physical abuse! I'm not condoning either, however, (and this is going to sound really twisted) but there were times that beatings were better/easier than the emotional assaults! (Is that another "specialer" kind of stupid) - we shouldn't have to tolerate either!!!! In a past life I would never have understood a woman who tolerated abuse as I'd never seen it, my father (from what I remember) adored my mother, but who is to say that maybe there may have been some other form of underlying abuse! Though, as a child, I do remember conversations amongst my mothers's friends who would talk about their husbands in what seemed to be (for a child anyhow) desperate/awkward talk at the time. I remember thinking that I was glad my mother wasn't going through that, however, fast forward 20 or so years and those women who had no internet or social support systems are now really profoundly wounded or dead! How the hell did women cope in the 1700's??? Or were there less narcissists and personality disordered people in the world back then??? which brings me back to .... Absolutely correct!!!! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE should have to know the truth of abusers!!!! Now I could start quoting the bill of human rights rights here or every other charter in a multitude of belief systems of how a human being SHOULD or should not be treated, but the truth remains - how, in society, is the growth of violence being allowed??? ....... Through those who allow it I guess, I don't know, but as abuse victims, are we - by virtue of keeping silent allowing abuse to grow throughout our society??? So we go back to ...... What the hell is going on in our society???? Are we creating it???? Why isn't this being yelled out at the top of our lungs to protect our children??? Which then cycles back to what is wrong with us??? Or to put it more nicely ... Our special kind of stupid!!!! i just don't understand how so many people are suffering (and suffering could be an understatement) at the hands of selfish/psychopathic/narcissistic abusers when it really doesn't need to be like this!!!! *massive sigh* my brain hurts thanyk you all!
  3. Awwww shucks thanks! That's probably the nicest thing I've gone to sleep to in a while! Thanx?
  4. Chacha I'm wondering if yours and mine came from the same planet, admittedly I didn't read it all but most of it is same same! If only they invested their time in more productive things like actually "loving" us if only we invested out time in more productive things like moving on instead of defending ourselves The utter ridiculousness of it all!!! *big sigh*
  5. As a newbie, I first have extend the biggest thankyou to everyone here. I've read a lot of posts - new and old and all I have witnessed is nothing short of beautiful and amazing. The depth of compassion from the more "experienced" (for want of a better word) to all of us who are just starting our journey to recovery and acknowledgement has made me cry and smile, then cry some more. some of the stories are nothing short of courageous or even worthy of sainthood! To be honest my denial was my biggest hurdle and initially I could not or did not want to admit to my reality, a reality I endorsed and even fostered! The sheer amount of pain whilst in the relationship and then consequently the shame and guilt I felt after leaving were only rivalled by the copious amounts I drank to drown said pain, shame and guilt - it took a toll as those little suckers eventually learn to swim! Now when I look back and talk about it, I feel like I'm a special kind of stupid! I never knew the terms love bombing or gas lighting until recently, and I would have thought stolkholm syndrome to possibly be related to some nuclear event long past. But here I am feeling a special kind of stupid at having endorsed a lifestyle that if someone had have told me I would be living in the future I would have clean wiped them from the face of the planet!! I'm attempting to write my experience for the first time as til now have not been able to due to the raw emotions, tears and waterworks that then stop me from being able to see properly!!! And of course there's that special kind of stupid that i feel in re-telling the horror I - ME - put MYSELF through needlessly!! To which I'm still trying to forgive myself for so that I can move on, to uncover what trauma or childhood wound do I have that I have not recognised that has allowed this monster to stomp all over my body and (badly constructed) boundaries. What lessons or interventions to I need to put in place and areas I need to grow and nurture so that I will never allow myself to be put through this horror again! There were red flags for the red flags and I missed ignored them all! At first we were friends for almost a year before getting together, I was not really interested for a multitude or reasons, namely that he didn't seem to have his sh*t together. I was studying, working a high profile job, establishing my online business, a blog and getting into property development. He smoked dope and drank too much. Though he lived in an affluent suburb with his son after the break up of his marriage. He was always polite and was very left of centre and a bit of a conspiracy theorist like me so we got along like a house on fire. I once sent him a Facebook tag once, saying "you had me at phuk the government" He was a carpenter and I was looking at redeveloping my property, he helped me with some drawings and planning. I remember seeing him working in my back yard sweating like a cold beer sitting in the sun too long, knocking down my shed, thinking - "OMG I love him!" My mum had fallen for my dad in similiar circumstances, I thought it was cute! Love bombing at it's finest! My first beating occured early on in the relationship and whilst in the past, men who even raised their voices at me would be out on their sorry arses quicker than a toupee in a hurricane, I not only forgave him but asked him to move into my home!! He was sorry, he'd drunk too much and didn't remember - what was I thinking??? no one knows about the first beating! He promised to and did give up drinking and smoking dope - for a time!! He began again after being arrested (incidentally on Valentine's Day) when we were pulled over in his car for a lapsed registration, as the police had placed an intervention order that I was unable to waver. Amongst the things that should have triggered alarm bells was the interlock in his car for several drink driving offences, a bunch of unpaid fines we could have built a house with, his untidiness, and possibly even some of his religious beliefs and strange or supernatural events that happened to him both as a child and an adult. Now whilst these are possible, I could probably now contribute them to his feeling of grandiosity! Though some of the religious/supernatural have been confirmed by a very well-known and loved female minister and her husband, so I'm really not sure what is a lie or truth. I'm not very religious, though I did try and we went to a church we found, More for him than for me. Now, more than ever I struggle with the concept of God as I really can't believe in the same one he does!! My roller coaster was 3 1/2 years long with me having to sell my house to get rid of him once he started smoking synthetic weed!! Where up until then the beatings (which only occured when he drank, which he started to often after he lost his job) I now had to contend with a delusional paranoia that my house being bugged and under surveillance. The last straw was when he got a turnips load of meth from his nephew and went awol, with the deposit from his next job - 8k, which of course disappeared. What followed was a week of cops, CAT teams and a delusional, paranoid, violent rage, the likes I've never seen before!!! He was convinced he was being followed by everyone - men in black, federal police, the mafia - you name it! If I was ever going to die from the most violent of beatings it could have been then!!! All in all - I've begged for my life, experienced being suffocated more than once, forced sexually, slept in the back yard under a tree, under the car, my house - (it was a weatherboard on stumps) walked the streets at night, had my head punched so hard it hit the bathroom tiles and fractured my skull, was thrown against the fridge which damaged my ocular nerve which to this day I still have not regained full feeling on the right side of my face, broken 3 of my ribs when he kicked me with steel-capped boots, threw the backyard barbaque at me resulting in some of the most horrific bruises even I've never seen, and one of the worst beating I've ever had was on my BIRTHDAY which resulted in the blackest swollen face I have ever seen ..... and still I refused to call the cops!!!! Towards the end - I had to leave, I had to leave HIM in MY house! He destroyed my house, when I sold it every wall had to be replastered, he destroyed my new car and would throw bottles at it, kick it or break the window to try and get to me if I tried to leave, he would pawn my property including electricals and instruments when I was at work to get his next hit, he went through every inch of it looking for evidence of all the affairs I was having with all the neighbours, he would rip out the sensors from the alarm or lights because there were cameras everywhere, he would booby trap the windows and doors to know if someone had entered. He accused me of cooking drugs in the roof, under the floor, in between the walls - he hocked my jewellery after he sold his tools. He threw out every spray household cleaner as he thought I was cooking drugs with them - including my expensive make-up and perfumes - (even though by this stage I had let myself go so much, I wasn't wearing any) and I loved my perfumes - goodbye channel 5. He would go into fits of rages when I wasn't there and my neighbour would call me to report the cops, ambulance and god knows who else was there and when they'd take him away I would walk into complete and utter devastation of broken glass and porcelain, furniture, keepsakes, furnishings - nothing was spared - my beautiful home was slowly being destroyed! Not that he ever looked after my home anyway, when I tried to get him to please put away his clothes and not leave wet towels all Ove the bathroom floor, clean his mess in the kitchen/bathroom/wherever he was also JUST about to do it and call me Hitler! Of course hours later it would still be there and I'd have to clean anyway, eventually even I stopped. He used to smoke rollies and his tobacco, filters or papers would end up everywhere, he was so absent minded he was forever loosing his phone/keys/wallet which really started to grate on me after a while. Empty wrappers of anything after he had eaten/used the last item would drive me insane - you'd think there were no bins in the house! I'm not even going to start on the toilet after he'd been for number two! I was a fairly tidy person, I like things in their place, the aggravation of having to clean up after me was driving me insane! We had no kids, he was in MY home, he was driving an unregistered car, he had no job and I STILL protected him! Even when the neighbours did call the cops which started to happen often I wouldn't press charges, citing his traumatic upbringing (he was born from an alcoholic womb and placed in an orphanage at 3 months) I would always defend him as I felt sorry for him, even though my upbringing was dysfunctional, I had a mother, brother, aunts and uncles, cousins, a grandmother and for the first 8 years of my life a father that adored me. I couldn't conceptualise that he knew none of that. He'd had nothing, but trauma from the children's home and of the 10 or so half brother and sisters he did have - all of them were dug addicts, alcoholics or mentally impaired (this I found out much later) when I would threaten to call the cops or I'd get on the phone pretending to call them he would yell out call them call everyone but when anyone ever came he would disappear faster than a one hit wonder's musical career! after many of the beatings I would go on benders and drink for days just to forget, surprisingly he would buy me the alcohol too - just another way to keep me sedated and under his control then accuse me of being a drunk and expected validation because of all the times he picked up MY sorry arse of the floor. If anyone called or my mother would come to see how I was he would tell them I'm off my head. Oh my shame i now know and am still finding out the truth about his drug use from external sources, some of his old friends I've bumped into, even a chance meeting with an old acquaintance who used to work at the smoke shop he used to go to buying 3, 4 or 5 packets at a time up to 3 or 4 times a day!! I had no knowledge of the extent of his habit!!! I believe he drugs triggered underlying issues that were in him all along, and through his rampant drug use was no longer able to hide, Through a lot of research I've come to a point where I can no longer deny that he is gone- lights are on but nobody is home. Whilst I have been a recreational drug user in my 20/30's, I went on to go back to uni, complete my postgrad studies, even qualify for a PhD. My house was paid off as was my car and I had a job I loved with a great social network and some select but very close friends. I blamed myself for introducing him to speed early on with friends at a party but had no idea he was to go abusing it behind my back. He was also introduced to the synthetic cabanoids and these are even more deadly than any other drugs and they are legal!! Gambling was another of his vices, also of which I had no idea. So in summing up, I have now lost my home as I sold it for a pittance just to get away and have priced myself out of the market, I'm sleeping on my mother's floor and have no job. My self esteem is nowhere to be found and though I'm trying to claw my way back, I'm terrified of being around people but am getting help! I know that from this dark place the only way is up and I'm not drinking anywhere near as much, though when I first moved in, I was hiding it, which only just caused my mother more grief - even though I guess she may have been the catalyst as she used the same way to self medicate after my father died. There is so much more but these are just the highlights, However, i have learned so much and am eternally grateful for this little community which has been a little ray so sunshine and glimmer of hope for me. So to all of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart possibly the soles of feet! Thanks to you all I'm learning to forgive myself for being a special kind of stupid! ps. If in my rambling my punctuation is a little hit and miss - I'm sure you will all forgive me? (See I didn't say sorry) ?
  6. I've no choice but to live with my mother at the moment (safest place as my monster won't come here) but this made me laugh, sorry I know I shouldn't say laugh (or say sorry) but you just described my mother, in most of your descriptions - well the ones about money and the car and paying her bills, mines just as covert (in wanting things done) but not as mean fortunately. Coming from an Italian background - it's all about money and saving it. She does try to help and has never withheld anything from me though? I too am going through the painkillers like Jellybeans from the TV (I never even owned one) and from repeating myself a thousand times! Please, please don't do what I did - move into your mother's if leaving your hubby - it's like jumping from the frying pan into the fire! Admittedly I've been lucky, she has softened somewhat, like she's recognised that she may have something to do with my childhood trauma. My mother was a bit like yours, (I say a bit only) my ex used to come over to stuff for her and she loved it, but luckily she eventually realised the terror I was living in and she will rip him to shreds if he ever comes near me. She has been a little punchy though in the "get over it" and "move on and put it behind you" department, though after you have been living on your own for the better part of your life (even if some was with my monster) there is just so much you can put up with when moving back home to an OCD perfectionist who doesn't understand what has just happened to us! Good luck with your escape, maybe a studio next to somewhere you can work could be a really good option you won't know yourself once you get away from them both, unless of course you start to ride their guilt trip bus as I do with my mother!?
  7. Oh my!!! The anger and rage are a bit like a virus, but you know what they say we are all energy beings, and if you are someone who is sensitive to people's energy, well there will be some residual rage/anger that we have absorbed from our monster abuser. I struggled with it more when I was with him than I'm struggling with it now, though it's only been two months, so I'm still chalking up all the losses. A bit like e=mc2, where mine stands for a=lt10 - anger equals losses/trauma to the power of 10 and that's WITHOUT all the actual energy investment I had to make into BS defences from projected infantile arguments that could have invested elsewhere like my real interests or friends for example!! The neurons in our brains are hard wired to react to the peptides our body releases when threatened in a fight or flight scenario. The more we react the stronger they attach. Neurons that fire together wire together. So we need to stop this process - ahem cough cough .... Easier said then done, but stop we must! NOT strengthening the neural pathway is akin to no contact in getting rid of the bonding to the demon abuser What I am finding however, is that when I feel it returning I stop immediately and do something else equally as attention grabbing - first it used to be clap my hands really hard as the sting in my hands would tingle or burn just enough to momentarily stun my thought processes but this is not always appropriate depending on where you are e.g. bank or a supermarket! so then sometimes I would just pinch myself - hard! But this can also be counterintuitive as there is still some "unpleasantness" about it all. So now I find other ways that also strengthen the pleasure neural pathways such as if I'm next to the dogs I'll play with them or if not always have my best perfume in my bag to smell. Sometimes when I find something he broke or remember something I've lost because of him - I'll go cook even if it's just custard or jelly (I love both and am always grateful to myself later) - you will find ways to detract the rage - you HAVE to, like your life depends on it! Because whilst your monster will never feel the repercussions, we will!!
  8. I struggle everyday with this very same notion - that he has felt empathy and at times, has seen the error of his ways, that he has shed oceans (and I do mean oceans) of tears, that he has shown emotion and deep deep remorse - was it all I lie? I'll never know - I know he also went to acting school! Could the love of my life, my everything, all have been one complete fabrication from the very start, beautifully wrapped with a brightly coloured bow thrown in for good measure I do know one thing, when you love someone you will do everything in your power to make them happy, to elevate them and bring out the best in them. I tried to do that for him. I think the people that fall into the latter - are us because we DONT KNOW HOW TO COPE!!! I wish someone had have taken me aside at school and said "Hey Ren, here's how to cope when you are getting your head caved into the pavement/strangled whilst dangling of the wall/thrashed around by your hair like a rabid dog etc etc by someone who supposedly loves you" its an oxymoron - it makes NO SENSE, especially when it happens over and over!! I perfectly understand lashing out under conditions such as those but even then I could NEVER lash out by caving someone's head in and then taking their car and money and leaving them on the floor to bleed, possibly to death - that's not even human, yet he did exhibit all of what you quoted above! Go figure ... Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, (or in our case - leaves) We have to ask ourselves, "Would I ever treat someone I loved like that?" If the answer is a resounding no - We HAVE to accept that some of our abusers probably never loved us and are possibly incapable of it, or they would never treat us so bad. It is a really REALLY difficult thing to accept!
  9. I couldn't have written the above post any better! Why is it that these oxygen thieving vermin get to roam the planet leaving industrial-sized, trails of destruction and we've got to not only attend to our wounds and clean up THIER mess - all whilst our head is still reeling and our sanity set in jelly (at best) coz we are finally telling the truth about all those past events that have opened our eyes to the insanity we were living - all to protect THEM!!!! Double GRRRRRRR!!! Whilst finally come clean about the past has helped immensely in gaining support - every time I open my mouth it only cements the sheer torturous hell that was my life - the life I tried to protect??? and now that it's all over (according to the world) I should just put it behind me and move on, get on with my life, chin up - there's a good girl. "Quit obsessing about it, it's over" "OMG - are you talking about him again" "you should really get out of bed/off the couch (insert whatever piece of furniture has been our nest) and get a life" and the list goes on - I even had to tell my doctor to pick her jaw up off the floor when I told her about the viciousness of the beatings and I've been through a couple of psychologists who also have looked at me wide eyed when telling them what I've lived through! I'm over feeling stupid, shame and guilt for all that's happened and I feel like yelling back .. DONT YOU PEOPLE THINK I WANT MY BEAUTIFUL! PRECIOUS LIFE BACK TO NORMAL!!!! Do honestly think I want to be living this torture, that I'm enjoying being a victim, that I even like that word, do you think I even want to be here! Walk 50 meters in my shoes and then we shall see - no actually make it 5! trust me buddy you don't even want to put my shoes on!! sorry rant complete!!! im so glad I found you guys coz I don't feel I can walk in said shoes any further!!!! ?