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Kate181

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About Kate181

  • Rank
    Welcome Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    West Australia
  • Interests
    Living the dream and wallowing in all that life has on offer for me.
  1. Yes. Thanks for the lightening bolt. This fits exactly what I've experienced. As I've researched trying to understand for myself what " the cycle" was to aid my recovery there was always a bit of a gap. Something missing. This hits it on the head. Thanks for sharing this. Another positive step taken for me. Thank you for sharing
  2. Thank you Usedto... I did write myself letters initially and I became so angry I stopped doing that. Maybe time to try starting that again. I'll give it a shot. Thank you for your suggestion. I don't have feelings of blame at all. More so feelings of self shame in taking it for so long. I don't have any urges to contact him. I still feel sick to my core on what happened here hence no desire to contact unless essential. He's someone I thought I knew I now realise I never did know him it at all. I was merely his host to parasite off of. Hang in there with your own recovery. It's so raw in the first few weeks. I coped by putting my stereo up loud and danced like a lunatic. Hahahahahaha. You're a treasure. Lizzibethak.... Thank you ..... Yes you've hit a nail on the head for me. i researched trauma bonding. Yup that's where I'm at. I don't feel love at all for him. I lost that feeling some years ago. It's obvious to me I see him self destructing which is where my care factor comes in. He does have ADD which he's chosen to stop taking meds for, depression takes meds and there's now no doubt in mind he does have undiagnosed mental health conditions. Narcissim being pretty high on the list if not other PD disorders. Nonetheless no mental health disorders warrant abuse of anyone. His problems not mine. He's playing the sook/victim and using our adult children/family and friends to convince himself he did no wrong and I'm the problem. That's all part of their game and thought patterns. My kids will come back I know. I'm so determined to show them the true power of personal strength, forgiveness and the soul depth of unconditional love as their mum. Not many " fond memories" can I recall therefore I try not to go there. Each memory I now see holds a tentical of abuse. He was passive/aggressive until the last few months he started becoming physically assaulting behind closed doors. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Only 8 1/2 months to go and I can proceed with a divorce. Thank you Curly for the welcome I found both authors described my situation so accurately. As I've read elsewhere people state " it's like you were describing my partner and relationship". The DV group is being run via Anglicare and current counselling is with SARC ( sexual assault resource centre-it's a division of the health dept) Self discovery .. Yes I'm looking at it as I have to " de frag" self!!! I'm slowly daily enjoying doing what I want putting things where I like them plus taking out the trash !! No he's shown no concern whatsoever for the impact of what's happened. 2 weeks after he left I thought I was having a stroke, was actually in a good head space that night. I was taken by ambulance to ED to find out it was a delayed reaction to his abuse. I licked my wounds and accepted this as the beginning of healing. He didn't know and when I told him didn't bother responding either. Doesn't feel he needs counselling or that it will help. He's in denial and still despite me stating divorce only he thinks we will get back together. I have to be honest in saying I have no " if onlys I did this/that" I did all that , that's why it took me to the duration of our marriage to realise there's absolutely nothing more I could of done or offered to improve our circumstances. We identified abuse as the major problem in the marriage in March. He stated he'd work on us. It got uglier and he started raping me. I was so terrified. We separated for a week beginning of June and he went off the radar stalking me. 2 weeks later I called the ball. It took me 5 hours to get him out for the final time. Phew! I don't know how I did it looking back there now. Thanks Curly, im being as gentle with self as I can and I'm going to have a shower now and go for a walk on the beach and spoil myself with a hot chocolate!
  3. Lizzibethak... Thank you for the hug from afar, it felt lovely, plz accept one back from down under. The flash backs was due to the questioning I had to complete for the interview. It was ugly going through the process. I just closed my eyes, placed my arms over the top of my head and took slow breaths and tried to detach from the feelings of hurt and memories that emerged with each question I was asked. Had to give a rating of 1-5 on each question. Horrible that most were 5s. I can't wait for " those days" to come for me. I'm still very raw inside. Had quite a bit of anxiety last few days. I'm not on meds by my own choice. When I saw my Dr I did discuss the need and as I felt I didn't get PTSD on meds I wanted to try to get through without meds. I left the final decision up to my Dr. I was on Valium for the first 10 days following separation and am rather proud of myself that's all to date I needed. Yup I burnt a pair of his jocks early in the peace. Lol. I dunno it sounds crazy but it felt really good burning them on the paving. It felt like I was burning all his po rn by this act. I'm lacking motivation big time atm. I'm slowly trying to work through the clutter and chaos here. Those 3 spare rooms are so tough to face. I desperately need to sort them to rid myself of the overwhelming feelings of " too hard" and " what should of been" I think it's because it was our kids bedrooms that they grew up in from a new born bub till they left home at 20. I know I'm grieving for the loss of 38 years plus the future that can never be.. I also know when it's time to walk away with no regrets. I can look my deceased father deep in his eyes at the gates of heaven when my time comes and say to him " dad I did everything I could think of... I gave it my all ...heart and soul....nothing stays the same forever" May I ask would you and others be able to offer any suggestions on how to overcome my feelings of care I still feel for him.? It isn't a love feeling. I told him last week I want a divorce and the reality and impact of what's occurred has hit him finally and he's sinking. This doesn't bother me what does is although we are apart and contact is limited to essential only ..(we are selling off our investment property that he's in) I'm feeling his hurt. How do I detach from this? Thanks
  4. Thank you lizzibethak, Bennu and Hoping for your warm welcome. Im doing my best. Not a good day for me today. I cried lots and had my interview for the DV local group. Had to revisit some scary grounds. Wasn't easy. I still struggle with having being sexually assualted and raped by him. Which was the final straw for me that bought about the seperation in the end. I'm working through my PTSD step by step Lizzibethak. Yes the fur kids!! I've got 3 as well. They're my soul loves. Funny ya know when my gut was off the radar when we first separated my ginger boy would sleep on top of me on my gut. I truely appreciate the hidden secret therapy of fur kids. Yup those unfinished projects. So many. In my case it was more the childish damage he carried out covertly. I own a chalking gun now and even know how to use it. I'm on fire!!! I can even trim a 100000 foot palm. It's wasnt really that tall lucky if it was 12 foot, but to me it was huge. I trimmed it big time. To ground level. Sadly he works in a correctional facility and has for 21 years. Currently in a sex offenders prison. Hence his sexual abuse on me I now see. Plus understand why. He's desensitised. As was I at the time to a different degree. My home was the prison, our bedroom the cell and I was the prisoner. I only became aware of this after he left. I too have worked in maximum security prisons front line and after he left I noted the prison here I was in. Right down to how things were placed in the home. I wasn't allowed curtains or even a shower curtin which is consistent with a prison environment due to pontential risk of a death in custody. Can't understand yet why I was never allowed to wear bathers though. !! Doesn't matter I'm buying bathers soon summer is around the corner! Thanks for for letting me vent.
  5. Thanks Vampydoll.... Im hearing ya.... Yes the $$$s.... been there done that... he cut me off hardcore..... Im trying beautiful.... with every ounce of my essence.....hes been a "challenging " thing today..ripped me big time... and he isnt even in our home.....I am!!!!.... . I rose above in the faith of authors.. hope its ok to mention " Lundy BandCroft and Patricia Evans"..... so much strength theyve given me without knowing... Today... my affirmation is .... "Im self defining" ... now Im going to have a big cry and wake up in the morning.... knowing I can get through.... hope youll stand by me Vampydoll and wipe my tears,..... we can do this... weve been through worse..... havent we??....its all good...
  6. Thank you for the acceptance to this forum. I dont even know where to start so Ill keep it simple in the first instance. I need to read lots of posts and gain strength from those here within the group. Im 13 weeks separated today after a very long relationship of 38 years - 32 years married to the man that chose the path to abuse me to the point of "nearly" no return back for me more than once. Permanent sleeping seemed such a possible relief and only solution. I changed my mind and I made it!!! Ive been through all the uglies from the fires and pits of hell on earth more than once. Lucky me.. I spotted the light from the bottom of the bottomless pit. It was very dim, but I focused and kept reaching with hope in my soul. Ive been crawling on my hands and knees since till I finally climbed out and stopped looking back. It wasnt easy Ive done it completely alone and isolated from everyone he has manipulated. Thats ok my kids will come back to me I know. Im there Mum Thankfully with the support of the relevant counseling I attend weekly Im a stronger person today than I was even yesterday. Looking forward to attending a local DV group at the beginning of October. I look forward to gaining insight, strength and personal empowerment of finding the wholesome person I am with the support and knowledge from other members here.