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Usedtotrusteveryone

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  1. MorningGlory, Thank you that was very insightful and considered, I am slowly adapting and not expecting the "bombs" when little things happen and building a level of trust with myself and my needs more so. it is a real challenge to not cling onto this new partner because they are not displaying similar behavior and just giving myself and the relationship time to develop and grow. I am learning quickly that self is an important part of "us" if that makes sense, I have opened up a couple of times when she has noticed "extreme" reactions (shaking, tears, timid) to what truly are little things but unfortunately the scars are real and the conditioning to the narc and their demands is a hurdle still being climbed. so thank you for your time and helping me understand the process and the little things that will help make it easier along the journey.
  2. Morning Glory, thank you for taking the time to reply the last paragraph really hit home as to where my mind is at and what I feel at this time, trusting is hard, sharing yourself again with someone else even harder but being aware that sharing doesn't mean submitting to someone is important too and I guess that is the reassurance and guidance I was looking for so thank you for articulating that for me. it is important to remain true to yourself and nurture the person I want to be and also allow her to know who the real me is and see if we can share growing together I guess. the more I am disconnected from the abusive relationship the more I realize that I had completely lost myself and my identity while trying to please the ex to stop the criticism and ridicule. relearning to let someone in and not over analyzing every situation (because we don't have to agree on everything but there has to be respect when we don't) is a ride I am still taking Blueskye, thank you, the no contact analogy and the pushing through makes perfect sense, I guess I am afraid of being out there and getting hurt again and I am cursed with an overly active mind, so I don't tend to let things just happen (anymore), right now my perception of normal is so tilted by past experience that the "wow" factor of hey "I am not in trouble for x, y, z" is making it difficult to get a feel for balance (in all my relationships, friend or family) but I am becoming more self aware and the direction I get from people here is something I value very much so thank you all. Appletree My hyper sensitivity to reactions and signals because of past abuse/control is what is making me question what is normal, it is a sad thing to admit but at this time I actually don't need a journal to remember anything but the point about comparison and taking things very slow I could not agree with more it is why I felt like I had to ask the forum for some help and guidance on what is normal and how to proceed, thank you for replying and putting in writing the thoughts in my head.
  3. Hi Guys, Hoping for some guidance from those with a little more experience and distance that I currently have. I have been out on a few dates with a lovely lady but I am wondering / concerned that it is just the fact that it is "different" that has me interested, ( she is financially independent, looks for her own time, does not demand mine, open and at this stage seems to be "normal" or whatever that is) is there anyone out there game to share their experiences with dating after getting away from your ex and how you came to understand what is "normal" and what isn't, it seems ridiculous to my rational and overly analytical side but she seems so different that it feels wrong!!!!!!! but is that what makes it right?, have I been that conditioned and trained to the other controlling and manipulative ways that I can not see the forest from the tree's? thanks in advance to anyone game to share with me, I know it will not be easy.
  4. Just a quick check in Girls and Guys, When I first began this journey back in August I absolutely dreaded every day and the challenges that would unexpectedly present, Christmas seemed a hurdle to far and I was afraid of the smallest little daily things, I have been in regular sessions with a clinical psychologist and on and off involved in a victims assistance program (so confronting that I cant go all the time). I Experienced a debilitating panic attack on boxing day, I think it was more exhaustion from navigating Christmas and all the flash backs from the past. I still struggle to understand how I let this happen to me and how it got as far as it did but I do a much better job of not punishing myself for it. My counselor has been a wonderful outlet for the tears and helping me understand that I am in fact grieving what I wished the relationship was rather than what it actually was which is why I am having such trouble reintegrating with others and trusting them, conversations with other people are still triggers for incidents of control and abuse to resurface in my memory I just wanted to share with everyone who is still struggling with their decision / relationship that it is ok to struggle, it is ok to second guess yourself but at the end of the day please trust yourself and what you know is best for you because the road "out" is long and difficult but it is worth it, the moments of fear and dread still happen and the "how" moments are still there also but the freedom and the no longer justifying or diminishing the behavior is liberating. I still feel lonely from time to time and I still wonder "what if" and there are still more sleepless nights recounting things than I probably should admit, not all your friends will understand and some that do will move on from the situation very quickly believing that you should be "over it" by now, so please stay strong and find it in yourself to stay true to yourself. If you have found yourself here on this forum like myself it was a cry for help and for someone to tell you "it isn't right", please know that the more you talk to someone the better it gets, the doubts and fear remain but the only way to escape and grow is to seek help and talk to experts. Please everyone, look after yourself and each other this place was and remains a safety net and I wanted to thank you all while still acknowkedging the battles we all face and the horrible and cruel things we have seen and lived. take care all and thank you for letting me ramble on and share
  5. Sorry to hear things have gotten this bad for you, it absolutely is a form of emotional abuse and control please take care of yourself you are not responsible for the actions of your partner, you are not the cause of what is being done to you, you are the target and the outlet for his frustration, if you have somewhere to go to give yourself a break and clear your mind it might be the right time to take that option.
  6. Thanks Blueskye, sometimes it takes someone to remind you of the progress you have made and the steps you have taken to protect yourself, seeing the forest through the tree's is hard sometimes but you make some really good points, I used to run a lot but now find that difficult due to it involving a lot of time on your own and inside your own head so I will as you suggest look into something along the class line so I am in a group environment. Bennu, it is truly frightening how similar our situations and reactions seem to be but I am ever so thankful for you sharing and helping me see that these stages and reactions are "normal", I am so afraid of letting people in for fear of judgment or rejection, not fitting that whole "guys should suck it up" stereotype or you are imagining it or exaggerating. I have reached out to a couple of people and they have been amazing but I am fearful of them getting sick of me going one step forward and two steps back and ending up isolated, it is that cycle we discussed earlier of being "timid and afraid". thank you I truly appreciate it.
  7. Hi Everyone, Just wondering if anyone can share their experiences with, stress levels and panic attacks after exiting the abusive relationship, I was going fairly well until about a week ago, now I find myself looking back at a lot of things that were done to me and resenting myself for not trusting friends and opening up and allowing people to know what was happening and getting myself to a safe place and it is causing a lot of negative reflection and panic attacks when around other people expecting more of the same from them. it is yuck....................
  8. Redhead, I am so sorry that you are feeling that way, I honestly struggle also with the fact that the person who did these things to us remains oblivious and unaffected by their actions, the doubt that creates can be so crippling, please continue to reach out. the isolation and not talking to people is also a thing we share and feeds the self doubt but hopefully together by acknowledging it and talking about it here we can create the strength needed to push forward and open up again to people and let them know what your life has become. It is ok to feel down and a little lost from time to time, if you cant find the right person to open up too it is really hard so please try and take a little time to focus on what you need and to give yourself time.
  9. Hi Guys, just had the most random trigger for a meltdown of the highest order last night, I have been sick for a couple of days (nothing serious, some would say the man flu), a friend offered to come and sit with me for a while and offer a bit of help and just be around, it was so sweet and a simple thing but all I thought about was being left in hospital multiple times on my own and the countless occasions where support was always a one way thing because "I have kids", it was a horrible flashback and just a stark realization of how badly I was treated when I compared it to the simple instant offer from a genuine person. I hate that the triggers are so random and the reactions still remain so intense and crippling, I honestly had hoped that the days of sitting on the floor and crying and doing nothing but looking back were a thing of the past but reality check for me and we continue to learn and cope as we go I guess. Not isolating yourself for fear of these triggers and reactions is incredibly difficult, I hate that I have been made this timid and frightened person who can become so withdrawn and non trusting so quickly.
  10. Hi Noname, Guy on board here, feel free to contact if you need to it is ok but truth be told I have been amazed by the similarities in stories from all who participate here regardless of gender, behavioral patterns and responses from our tormentors has been a real eye opener and in it's own way enabled me too take a deep breath and realize how little I could have done to reduce the abuse.
  11. 100 days down, just keep marking off the little milestones and taking two steps forward and a step and a half back but forward it is............ looking forward to the next 100, the bad days are still really bad and not taking people and situations on face value is a struggle, trying to remember that not everyone is pushing an agenda and not every conversation has a hidden meaning, I am becoming more aware of the triggers and more considerate of myself as my thinking becomes clearer and I become more comfortable being myself again. here to talk and share/ sympathize, reflect anytime, a burden shared is a burden lessened.it really is eerie how similar all our stories are when you strip it all back
  12. We desperately want them to be the person we convinced ourselves they were and the good days all come flashing back to cause the doubt until they are gone from sight or the phone and we remember the "real" them, I am sorry fluffyflea but I am yet to figure out anyway to stop the confusion and the doubt except I did write out a letter to myself reminding me of what life had become and when the doubt get's crippling I go back and read it.
  13. Hi Benny, I do have a counselor (2 actually, one a clinical psychologist specializing in emotional abuse), I opted out of the support group, I understand we all have different experiences but listening to some talk10-15 years down the road and how much they are still struggling was just too difficult to confront right now, thank you for confirming that the things I am feeling right now are unfortunately normal, coming here and opening up allows for some perspective on where I am at and if there is more I could or should be doing, fear and over analyzing are killers
  14. Hi Bennu, I have tried to reconnect with people but it has been hard, some have moved on, others are open to it and have been great but "leaving it at the door" so to speak and just talking with them is difficult, I am having real trouble forgiving myself (which sounds ridiculous I know) and I am so conditioned to extreme reactions and never ending drama that I am on such high alert all the time and my stress levels are thru the roof, I am becoming angry and resentful of everything that I was subjected too and I don't like those feelings they are so far from the real me. I just feel like I have gone so far backwards in the last week or so, I just want to SCREAM, I am so frustrated that I cant shake the fear and expectation that more is coming, it is twisted but in some way I think I am lost without the consistency of the abuse and having to use all my energy to deal with it.
  15. Hi All, been an extremely tough few days since I was last on here, trigger point being the 7th birthday for ex's youngest boy in a couple of days and knowing that I will not see him, I taught him to ride his bike, tie his shoes, write his name, read, took him to his first day of school you know all the things a "parent" does, it has caused so much reflection and looking back which is NOT a good thing. I have been in a really bad place remembering the lack of support I would receive from her, not attending family funerals with me (x3), not visiting me in hospital after surgeries (x2) the constant references to my being a low income earner and not providing enough for her (she never worked). I just feel so used and deceived, manipulated and stupid I feel like I was nothing more than a 'stop gap" for her to re-establish the house ( i furnished the house, supplied everything the kids needed, paid all medical expenses and school fee's etc ), it has become apparent to me that she was never over her previous marriage and her anger and resentment at what happened there was transferred over to the way she would treat me, nothing was ever enough or good enough and there was always this line of commitment she would not cross, I was expected to provide for her and the kids but not to live there, I had to keep my own residence because "her ex would do XYZ if .......", she moved into her ex's old house and would constantly refer back to something he had "done" to justify her erratic behavior and episodes of self harm. All I know is she has made a mess of me and I could go on and on about different occasions where no matter how outrageous her demands got or the behavior was it would always be because "her ex had done" or "you made me so nervous or anxious that I lashed out" Sorry all, that just needed to come out before I projected it onto others, I just find talking to people almost impossible at the moment without expecting the ramifications of a misspoken word or the guilt trips and manipulation that I have gotten so used to over time.