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chachacha

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About chachacha

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  1. I have been dreading the day when I run into my ex in public. Today I drove by him on the road and I didn't understand what I was feeling. I don't know what I will do when I finally have to walk by him on the street or in a restaurant or the store or the post office. What do you do? I don't want to be a hateful person and make any kind of scene. I've always been nice to people who didn't deserve it and I don't want to do that either--for me. I don't want to give him any power to show him that I'm upset. I am just confused about what the heck I should do. I just don't know how to act because inevitably he will do something. More than likely he will try to come over and talk to me especially if I am alone, which I am likely to be.
  2. I hear you. It has been great getting him out of my life. I posted in the main forum how he is still trying to point fingers at me and of course trying to justify his behavior. Not gonna engage. He can just keep believing I am a horrible person. That's fine with me. I know what he is. The bad thing is that I feel bad for not wanting anyone to ever be with him. I used to think well he's learned, he'll be better to the next one. He tried to convince me he is better for me now. Um, if you could have done so, why didn't you when you had umpteen chances? Now I know it is who he is at his core. I want no one to be his next victim but I won't give him the satisfaction of being the crazy ex that outs him publicly. If someone asks, I will gauge whether or not they are fishing or truly asking. If they are truly asking, they will get the truth. Run away, he will hurt you. And that is all.
  3. I can't really explain why. We are conditioned. We are learning, though. Just remember the pain and not the good times (but try not to dwell). Remember there is nothing good ever to come out of relationships with people like this and they will make you regret it no matter what. How they really feel is how they reveal themselves when they lose control of you. Everything else is an act and they cannot keep it up for long. I had the same thing happen when my abuser gave me back all the gifts I had given him, almost all completely untouched. More than a year and he never used most of them at all. Never even set some up. They were thoughtful things he told me he needed or demonstrated a need for. Some big, some small. But none were meaningful enough to him to actually use and accept. Kind of made me think he would rather complain about the need than accept the help from lowly me.
  4. They will say ANYTHING to regain control and EVERYTHING when they can't.
  5. I already gave him way too many chances. Every time he asked for another chance I would say how many more do you get? And then he would say just one more! Even worse at his core he was lying to me with all the apologies and crocodile tears because when he would inevitably get angry he would take everything horrible and throw it at me and it was clear that that was what he had been thinking all along while he was trying to mask it with niceties. The whole good guy act was a cover. Inside he was boiling over with hatred, contempt, impatience, superiority, and so much more negativity. I am proud of myself for finally ending it and now I can go complete no contact forever. He is not blocked but I have him set to no notifications. I learned with the abuser before him that I needed to document any harassment. Thankfully this one is not as obsessed and irrational. He gets the message that he can't have me, that he really did eff it up--though internally he believes we both did. Doesn't matter what he believes. It is obvious that his perception is not reality and all that matters is we're done.
  6. Powerful. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/03/what-it-means-when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you/ "I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff." Except for the cheating, this perfectly describes the man with whom I wasted the last 18 months of my life. I was his ongoing experiment. He tested my boundaries and progressively trampled them every waking moment. He was seeing just how far he could push me before he had to yank me back, comfort me, and promise to never do it again... right before doing it twofold. In his own words (projecting), "Thanks [] it's been hell."
  7. He sent me texts the other day asking if we could forgive each other and said he hasn't said anything to me that was any worse than what I've said to him. Are you effing kidding me?!?!?!?!? ONE TIME I slipped and called him an a***hole and later apologized for it profusely and repeatedly. Of course he never let it go and started parroting back how I am an abuser, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, he still thinks the only trouble with us was his abusive mouth when he got angry. Nevermind the anger, the unjustified accusations, the mistrust, the lies, the control, the manipulation, the ever-moving goalposts, the constant chaos, the put downs, the isolation... I can't even go on. The good thing is that I am free. I am done with him. I am not engaging. He finally picked up the last of his things off my property yesterday while I was at work, as he promised. He sent me another text afterward offering to help with anything and saying he would be around. Nope. Not gonna happen. All he ever brought me was pain. Everything good he ever did came with strings. It was a show to make him look good so he could point to it and say, but I'm a good guy and I do good things so you must be the problem and I'm not THAT bad. Look everyone sees how great I am. Well I see how he really is at his core. Good riddance. I am still processing my anger at myself for getting into this situation and not getting out sooner.
  8. He actually said he would personally seek out Lundy Bancroft, author of 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men', and enter into an abuse program with Lundy himself. Oh what a doozy. What love bomb lies did your abusers tell you?
  9. You are right of course. This is the man suspicious that I must know pilots in random float planes flying overhead to land on the water the City fronts because they had to circle to land.
  10. I just wanted to say I hear you. I have lived this too in a different culture here in the USA. Between the victim blaming and the "I don't want to hear this so I'll put my head in the sand" attitudes it is sickening. I can't stand that the abuser gets to go about his life as if nothing happened and even gets support because all his survivors must be crazy people and he is just a magnet for crazy. ARGH! Hang in there. We're here for you.
  11. OMG so much yes... *sigh*
  12. I understand your question. These days I question myself too. I would be cautious if it were me. I like how you ignored it. That way he doesn't have to feel weird if it was innocent and flirty and you didn't react. You'll know if he throws it back at you later for ignoring him. RUN if he does that. That is what my ex is doing to me now. Throwing every attempt to disengage from things as if they were attacks. He brings up when we were first meeting how I didn't immediately fall at his feet and let him date me as if I think I am so much better than everyone that I have to be begged. He has sent me diatribes of pleading to take him back with love bombs and I ignore them as I have nothing to say (and no matter what I say will set him off anyway because it is never good enough). Now he is throwing it at me that I did not respond. He refuses to accept that sometimes the best response is none and sometimes I don't have the words. He won't let me have my feelings, they have to be his feelings. This guy may not being doing any of that but from my recent experience I am very wary of this sort of thing. I have dated people in the past that demanded things of me. They seemed cute and childlike at first. Then they became real demands. As if they were testing my boundaries. I set them firmly now. Or at least I try.
  13. Hugs everyone. I know this is a difficult time for a lot of us. <3
  14. It is strange how they seem to read from the same script, isn't it?! I would ask if you are in my state but it wouldn't matter, clurichaun. He has been all over the country.