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About ML17

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  1. Thank you for posting this. This is EXACTLY what I needed to read RIGHT NOW, as he is actively trying to hoover me back. I hope this time I will finally resist his stupid, phony attempts for good.
  2. Thank you all very much for your feedback. I was hesitant to post them because I've never "publicly" shared poetry before. Guess this isn't exactly public though, haha. So the positive responses are definitely reassuring. I will keep on writing--hopefully more hopeful stuff.
  3. Whitebutterfly, Beautiful! Thanks for sharing that one. Needed to read it tonight!
  4. Does anybody here write to help them get through the tough times? Sometimes I write poetry and I noticed that they're all very dark and sad. Example: I've sewn my mouth shut I’ve cast aside fears to dance with the devil for two treacherous years And for two long years I’ve chosen to stand by for our nightly routine: laugh, cry, laugh, cry And I’ve tugged a black veil down over my eyes to blind myself from my own vile demise And he asks for my hand I know it won’t save me, as my hands nurse a black bouquet like a baby And each time I accept I become but a shell What does it matter? I’ve already seen hell But tonight for the first time in ages, I decided to write a happy/hopeful poem. I'm marking this as the true start of my recovery and moving on. There will come a day When I’ll look back with a grin And remind myself of All the places I’ve been All the feelings I’ve felt All the lessons I’ve learned All the hurt I’ve endured All the joy that I’ve earned And I’ll know that each time I cried on the floor My tears made me stronger And I learned even more And I’ll stand with pride And I’ll be happy to live And my cheeks will glow And it’s you I’ll forgive Yay for happy poems! I'd love to hear any poems if you have them. Happy...sad...or whatever! Truly think writing is a great outlet for those pesky emotions.
  5. True. I think I will look into this. I'm in the middle of setting up my classroom so maybe if I can get it done next month, it'll be easier. Thanks!
  6. Quaddie, I signed my lease for another year because I've been outside of the US all summer and didn't feel like I had time to move. I wonder if they would let me break the lease if I told them I was fearing for my safety or something? I really am so frustrated and exhausted and feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from him.
  7. Whitebutterfly, thanks so much for your response! Its really shocking that you mention this--because I once jokingly said something similar to a girlfriend of mine. I said "I think I keep going back because it's almost easier to know where he is and what he's doing than to constantly be on edge and in fear." I kinda thought I was just in denial and trying to rationalize my stupid weakness for him...but maybe there really is some truth to it. I wish WITH ALL MY BEING I could move...but I'm locked in for at least another year. After that, I fully plan on leaving. Thank you so much for your insight. I'm hoping that as school approaches (I'm a teacher), I will be too busy to be constantly worrying about him. I'm going to try my best to stay strong and when I go out with friends, I think I will go to other nearby cities instead of our town. Thanks again!
  8. Chachacha-- thanks for your response! It's so hard to keep my head on straight during these times. It even feels like maybe I was making up the "abuse" the whole time, but I know that can't be true. Or maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was...or maybe he will TRULY remain this way. I know it's impossible though, and I think I will have to revisit some of my old diary entries to help prove it to myself. thanks for your insight--it helps to know that others have felt the same way and they've gotten out.
  9. So a couple weeks ago I started a post about hoovering and how hard it is to resist their seemingly genuine declarations of love and wanting to change, etc. My ex had been leaving me love letters, phone calls, texts, e-mails to which I had been not responding for over 2 months. It was an amazing victory for me and the longest I had ever gone No Contact. I really thought I was changing and finally getting a move on. I've had what my therapist calls "c-ptsd" from being with this guy and I'm always worried about what would happen if I ran into him in town. Well...it finally happened. And it's why I disappeared from my post and never responded. I was out with a platonic male friend at a karaoke bar and he saw me. My body froze with adrenaline and I felt like I couldn't breathe or swallow. He came over and said hello, to which I ignored and calmly said, "nice seeing you." He was obviously very offended that I ignored him and didn't make a big deal of our reunion. Plus my friend and I quickly finished our drinks and left the place and went to a different bar. Not smart. He apparently followed us there and came over...insulted my friend...and then (causing a big scene) proceeded to declare his undying love and how much he missed me. I told him thanks and to go away. So he did. Then he came storming back over...again loudly announcing his love and all that...looking me dead in the eyes. I almost expected him to get down on his knees. I'm sure you all know where I'm going with this story. I ended up falling for it all again. It's so crazy. I don't understand how they can seem so genuine and honest. He says he wants to marry me and have kids and it was horrible losing me. I ended up sleeping with him. And the next day I had a full on panic attack when he left...which shows my intuition knows this is all so wrong. He keeps trying to reassure me to calm me down and all that...still being "sweet" and talking to me all day....however, I JUST KNOW it's only a matter of time before he starts keeping me up until 4am throwing things, kicking walls and cussing at me and calling me a whore every night. And it all hit me when today because I called him by an old nickname I had given him...and he asked me what it meant. It was a shocking eye opener to realize how little I actually meant to him, compared to what he meant to me. He doesn't even remember the phoey nickname I gave him during our 2 year relationship. HA! So I'm thinking more clearly...blocked him again...etc. my question after all this rambling is WHY?! WHYYYY do I keep falling for this?! Have any of you been hoovered back in over and over and over and over?!? It sucks...but I'm hoping I can be stronger this time. I'm seems that each time this happens I'm able to maintain no contact longer and longer...so that's a plus.
  10. Thank every single of you for your advice and encouragement. I think you all hit the nail on the head with this being related to PTSD...my therapist said C-PTSD or something like that. I know I've got to give myself time and resume normal activities slowly and realize that even if I DO happen to run into him, it won't be the end of the world. The uncertainty of what he is capable of definitely scares me a little. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill and blowing everything out of proportion (because he has never truly hit me...just grabs and pokes). But what bothers me is 1.) He has extensive military training (was marines special ops--whether the special ops bit is true, I do wonder since he is a narcissist and very well could've made that up to be impressive. However, if he is lying about being special ops, then he has a bunch of friends who are also lying that pretended to be part of his unit when I met them. He also has pictures and uniforms and stuff.) 2.) he always openly slept with firearms next to his bed. 3.) he has been arrested for harassment before...and public intoxication. 4.) one time in the car, I told him I had been watching some new murder mystery show, and he said something along the lines of "yeah, those idiots always get caught. In Iraq, we learned how to kill and dispose of bodies so nobody would EVER find them. Trust me, you bury people shallow so the animals can get to them first." Ewwwwwww. That weirded me out. 5.) a few months after we met (and I was hooked) we saw a woman in a bar and he became very uncomfortable. He told me if she or anybody else in the town ever tried to say that he has hit or beat a woman...it's all a bunch of lies and he was acting in self defense because she "went crazy" on him. 6.) he does and has stopped by my house unexpectedly and knows I live alone. 7.) he is notorious for crazy intense episodes of rage. It doesn't just happen with me. It gets him in trouble at work as well. One time when I left him, he became suspicious of one of my long-time PLATONIC male friends and told him "if you go for her, I've got a group of marines who want your blood." Anyway, I don't TRULY believe he would do anything. I honestly think he'll just move onto the next supply...but I'm still anxious and paranoid.
  11. Blueskye-- Awesome, I will check that out! Thanks. Also to anybody: I know this is off topic but if anybody could provide some insight I would greatly appreciate it. I'm wondering if it's normal that even though the abuse was mostly emotional (he only grabbed/poked/held my face a couple of times)...I have this weird paranoia that I can't shake and think he is EVERYWHERE...ALWAYS! We live in the same town and I constantly scan cars on the highway or sometimes I'll believe that maybe he got a new truck and is near me. I use a different grocery store/gas station/Walmart/etc in a different town (even though those places are conveniently RIGHT BY my house) because I fear running into him. I always think I see him places--even when I'm 4 hours away from home and things like that. I'm constantly checking over my shoulder I cant explain what the fear is, because I know it's not like he would publicly hurt me or anything like that. It's like a sick/anxious feeling. Did anybody else experience this after leaving? It's been going on for months...and I wonder if it ever goes away? How long did it take? I'm so tired of my life revolving around him 🙄😕
  12. Whitebutterfly-- Thanks for putting it into such logical terms. You're right--when I think of it ALL as a lie (even the "sweet" things), it's much easier to stick to my guns and separate my feelings. It's all so sick and twisted, and hard to believe people can really be so cruel to other humans. But it is what it is...he will NEVER, EVER change...and while it is so disappointing to face that reality, I know that sticking around any longer isn't going to help ANYONE in this situation. I'm truly making the biggest effort I ever have this time. It's taken probably 16 times of "leaving" for me to finally wake up...but I can feel it in my bones this time. I am going to move on and close this dark chapter of my life. Thanks for providing some clarity. Bennu-- It's funny because that book was actually recommended to me by my therapist a couple months back and at the time I told her I just wasn't ready to read it. I think I was in denial and didn't want to face the truth of what was happening. The thought of reading something about abuse made me feel physically ill. But I kid you not...I read your post and just ordered it on my iPad. 😁 I feel more than ready and THAT in itself tells me I'm truly ready to move on. I think reading it will give me some peace of mind in knowing that all that craziness was NOT my fault. I am not fundamentally flawed and unloveable. The problem lies within HIM. And I will watch out for these red flags when I finally feel ready to date again. thanks for the recommendation!
  13. Hoping-- Thanks for your insight. You're exactly right. It seemed no matter what I did or how hard I tried, there was always something wrong. From how much I spent at the grocery store (which is none of his business, as we lived in our own places and were not married)...to my hobbies....to the songs I listened to.... It seemed as if my mere existence annoyed him. (Yet anytime I finally had enough and wanted to leave, I suddenly became the most "beautiful girl in the world" to him and somebody he "couldn't live without"...how does THAT make any sense?!?) anyway, last night I stayed up late re-reading old diary entries I had written. I was shocked to see how bad it was at many points in time. (It's so easy to forget all the hurt/craziness when he pretends to be a wounded little puppy that only I have the power to save). As I was re-reading all the hurtful things he said and did...one in particular stood out to me. It was when he looked me dead in the eye and told me I should never feel special for talking to 6 year olds all day. That (among many other things) was enough to erase any temptation I had to reach out to him. Proud to say that as of now (63 days and counting) I have maintained absolutely zero contact. Months ago, the "love letter" would've melted me and I would've gone running back. I really feel that I'm getting stronger and truly ready to say FORGET YOU JERK! And start living a happy life! Thanks so much. Your responses have really made a difference in my life.
  14. Thanks so much, Bennu. I've actually written a lot of it down and have to refer to it from time to time to remind myself just how crazy and awful things truly were. Because when he does things like this it's so easy to forget. I will definitely be referring to it tonight. Bluesky, I can't express how much this meant to me. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm sure you are a much stronger and wiser person because of it. Thank you so much for sharing this insight. It's helping me see that I have a choice right now to take control of my life by NOT giving into the temporary temptation of "love" (as it is DEFINITELY not true love). I am going to stay strong. I hung out with some friends tonight and kept myself busy. Also, it is definitely creepy and stalker-ish. I have been traveling a lot and in one email (which I ignored), he said he has "stopped by my house a few times to try and apologize in person." I haven't been there so I don't know if it's true, but I wouldn't doubt it since he's showed up unexpectedly before. I don't know if I should e-mail back and tell him NOT to come near my place anymore or maintain the No Contact and just hope he's going to get bored and move onto his next supply. Anyway, this truly helped a lot. Thanks so much. Wishing you the best.
  15. After a 2 year relationship with an emotionally abusive narcissist (I can't really say "2 years" due to our break-up/make-up cycle that occurred about every 2 months), I've finally seen some sort of light. I've come out of a year long depression and finally asked myself: How many more times will you allow him to poke you in the face and scream that you're a wh*re at 3am (knowing full well that you have 20 first graders to teach in a few hours)? How many more times will I allow him to tell me I don't dress right? How I won't ever make enough money? How I'll end up a basement loser living at my mom's house? Anyway...Long story short, he's hoovered me back in more times than I can count, always promising he will change and be more empathetic next time (even though he'll also say that I just need to work on trying "not to upset him" so that doesn't get to the point where he feels he need to yell and grab me). This is the first time I've gone ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT for over two months!! (Huge victory for me). I've ignored countless texts, phone calls, voicemails, e-mails, etc. i'm only 25 and don't want to give him any more of my time. But I'm finally having a moment of weakness after I just returned home from vacation...and lo and behold there is a "sweet" letter on my door step proclaiming his love for me and how much he is going to change and be more empathetic. He writes in such a way that it plays on my sympathy and I start feeling sorry for him. Sad that he has a mental problem that will always affect him. But I know it's not my job to "save him." And I know all The promise of change is bologna, because I've heard it all before and none of the promises EVER materialize. But if anyone could PLEASE PLEASE give me some advice and help talk some sense into me so I don't give into the temptation, that would be so helpful. PLEASE HELP! He does not deserve my time.