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BlurryFace

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  1. So the teacher that I have been going against in court actually agreed to the plea bargain that me and the other several girls agreed upon. It involves jail time in which he had been trying to avoid this entire trial...6 years to be exact and the other day he just agreed to it. After a year and four months he just..agrees. No court, no need to testify, nothing. My reaction to this was unexpected, I should be happy and relieved but instead there is this dullness. I did not want to have to testify and while i'm glad that I don't part of me wanted that closure, to look at him and everyone and tell the whole truth that everyone had been denying for so long. None of that is possible now, and not only that but this case has become my reason to live as it seems. Now that it is all coming to a close I am really not sure if going on is necessary. I don't trust anymore, I broke all my close relationships, I have the impulsive nature of a kid, and now i'm tired. I did find out that several months from now I can write a letter and read it to this teacher, I might just do that. It won't be the closure I expected but i'm hoping it might solve this feeling. I'm only eighteen, I realize I have a lot of life ahead of me but still, this case and this incident and him...it seems to be all I can think about even more than a year later and I fear that it will be this way for my whole life. It seems to me like everyone around me that cared so much a year ago has just forgotten what happened, its like i'm expected to be ok since everything has "worked out". I'm not sure what I expected this entire case, I'm not sure if I will regret the things I didn't say so many years from now -if I make it that far. I have a counselor and we work a lot on this, we work on the trauma and everything but everyday I get up it seems like the world just gets more dull. Perhaps this is what this teacher, my used to be best friend, wanted. Sometimes I still can't believe it all happened, I still cry when I watch the news reports and newspaper articles. Its not fair, I'm trapped in something that happened a year ago and everyone else seems to have just forgotten, they cannot understand why I haven't moved on. I don't think I can, maybe I "recovered" wrong. At least he is going to jail...I feel like I've done my part to the best extent I can, I am the "victim" that has undoubtedly been the most concerned about this case. I have gone through so much already just because of this case, and two suicide attempts, four send offs and countless acts of self injury later...I do not think I want to move on. This man will go to jail now, the other victims will live on and I can finally rest easy about all these people that I have been trying so hard to protect. There is no amount of words to explain the rage and paranoia I feel nowadays, I wanted to be a counselor, so I could help people just like me and probably worse. That had been my goal before all this, me and whoever that girl was are completely different now. I am not who everybody wants or remembers, I feel like I have given my soul away just to trade it in for a will to live just a little longer so I could see this case through. I keep thinking, even now, "what would this teacher think?" I doubt he even cares what happens to me, I am the one who reported him afterall. I realize that life can change and that me assuming that this will all stay the same is ridiculous but even if I have that logic in the back of my mind it doesn't matter. I do not know how to move on from this case, and if I cant move on and form relationships, build trust again and just like myself once more then I do not want to move on at all.
  2. The trial is finally here, and as I find myself nearing the actual trial date I am feeling a mix of all these emotions that have built up. As I am mostly relieved that its coming to an end, no matter the result, I am also nervous. This case and situation has seemingly taken over my life for the past year, not to mention the years before of which I hadn't realized at that time. As I wish recovery was a steady rise to being "ok" again I know it is not whatsoever. I've had so many relapses its crazy, I get that its normal but at the same time it does not really help when you are trying to see the progress you have made. My poor friends have to hear my concerns, outbursts and paranoia fueled rantings almost everyday. As this case slowly draws closer my emotions are getting more and more unstable. One moment I will be content but something will trigger a thought and the next thing I know I am desperately trying to push the people that care about me away because "they don't deserve to have to deal with me." The phrases "This is my fault." or "He just made a mistake." have become all too familiar as well. I have tried to take everything as slow as possible and have tried to just care for myself and attempt to accept everything in pieces. What if you don't have enough time though? What if you have to rush through the process to be able to be strong enough to face the very root of it all? I have made some progress, most of that just being how I cope with it all. A year ago my reaction would have been a knee jerk response that resulted in some sort of self injury, but that process has gotten better. I can write or paint through most of the emotions. There are some that develop that nothing can help, those are the ones I try to sleep through. In any case, is it "normal" for a person to feel crazy at this point? The other day I had finally confessed information I had not told any adult or friend in the past year, apparently the very thing I have held back is considered sexual assault. Is it crazy that I had held it in for a year then just decided to tell? I think I knew that it was a little more serious then what I allowed myself to think the whole time but something keeps you from saying things like that...for some reason I was scared he would find out. This stupid teacher. I think the main reason I have held back such information though was the shame of it and the disappointment. I don't know, everything should be getting clearer but it seems like the very opposite is taking place. Is that "normal"? How do you handle the guilt- and how is it that my friends that are the same age as me seem to understand how I should feel but I don't? They say its all normal and that all of this is a process but I just can't believe them. I want to understand what is normal and what is not- or if there even is such a thing. I know it gets better and I know people deal with worse trauma for years and years but the thing is I am not that strong. I just want to know if their is some sort of pattern to this- or if this "process" actually exists. Thank you for your time.
  3. A huge thanks to everyone that commented, I gained a lot of insight and information through this. I will take all recommendations and advice into whole hearted consideration and thought. I have rushed everything my whole life, so maybe this one time I can slow down and give myself time to heal as well. And you know, I really have come a long way, there is no "how to" manual on any of these emotions and there are resources other than my current ones that I can find to help. Thanks to everyone!
  4. Thanks so much to the recent posts, they made me cry- but in the best way. That understanding is the very thing that helps, that is the very thing that will be my source of energy for the upcoming battle. I had never even thought of the quotes- and I love quotes! I cannot thank you enough.
  5. Thank you to everyone who has commented, I used to be on anti depressants even before all this hit but after the overdoses on them....well that whole idea was gone altogether! But one thing is true...this all came out about eight months ago, since that its been hell trying to figure things out. But I really do have to remember that it hasn't even been a year yet...of course I'm not going to be all good at this point! I really do expect way too much, I think its just because the outside pressure really has made the reality of it all foggy. Thank you for your suggestions and advice though, I will keep them in mind as I continue. I appreciate it! God bless.
  6. Hi all! So...since posting my story here I have gotten my support system pretty well put together, and yet I still feel....well everything. I am now going to college at a small school close by, I have a part time job, I am going to counseling weekly and am making some slow progress! Everything is going pretty well...all except my emotions. The fact that I went through four years of manipulation which lead up to horrible things and almost worse things didn't dawn on me until recently...memories of everything that was said and texted, the trust, the good times and the bad, everything: it's killing me. I have already tried to attempt suicide twice about four months ago...and I am trying with every fiber of my being to not go down that road again as I am very aware that the third try could be my last. But how am I to move past this low point when all these lawyers, attorneys and everyone associated wants me to talk (in detail) about the very thing that I am trying to forget? In a few months now I will likely be sitting in a court room testifying against the very man that caused me all this suffering, after that, everyone will know this story. I will have no where to hide and I've never been so terrified, I am only eighteen! I have never been so confused and untrusting of others in my whole life. Down to the point of this post though...I know I have a counselor for a reason and that I can ask the very same to them but I figured before I did I would ask a group of people that have actually went through this very thing and might have some good advice first. How do you move past the turmoil? I know its not a quick process by any means but how do you trust yourself and others again? How do you make yourself feel worthy of a normal life and how do you continue with life in general? It seems I can't go one day without everything haunting me, there is so much pressure and so much I just don't understand. While all my so called friends complain about their heavy college schedules I am balancing a whole legal act with mine and I am feeling the affects of this stress more and more everyday. I know there is no magical advice that will solve everything but I just need something doable and someone relatable. I have gotten better within these months don't get me wrong! But I'm on a timer till crap completely hits the fan and I just feel like I need to recover as much as possible before another hit comes.Thank you for taking time to read this, I don't mean to complain abut my situation by any means, I'm just trying to find answers.
  7. I have posted my whole story on here but as days come and go I realize that there is so much more that pops into my head now. I know that no one has the answers but I'm hoping that some can relate so I can relate to them as well. As I look back on all four years of my high school days only two months after graduating I realize that the teacher that had manipulated me was my closest friend. He was the one person I knew I could turn to and tell anything to, as the days pass though I have to wonder if that was just his way of working up to this point. Were all these four years just a plan, or did this just happen? He did so many nice things for me and all the students! Having said that, he also always had a double sided opposite to all his good deeds. He had a way of turning people against me in the band, not in a terrible way but more like a playful way. However he knew full and well that I was very sensitive after too much of being picked on. He would let people pick in me until someone told him it had gone too far then he would always be there to build me back up again. This cycle continued until senior year when all he did was build me up to the point where everything happened. My question is why? Do all predators do this? Is there a pattern of these kind of people? How do I move on from this and continue living normally? Or can I even do that? I know I don't have it as bad as others and I'm sorry if I sound pathetic but I don't know where else to turn at this point.
  8. I'm only 17, but this life has given me alot in this short span. As I do completely understand that my situation isn't "as bad" as others it is still difficult to go through and to understand. When I was 14 I entered my highschool with a full heart and high expectations- when I left I just wanted it to end. So what could have happened between all that to change this outcome? I wish I could say "typical teen stuff" but unfortunately...that's not what happened in the end. I was in marching band for 4 years in high school, it was my passion! I had it all, awesome friends, some talent to work with and a great teacher- or so I thought. My teacher was the most respected man in the school according to all of us idiotic teenagers, I think I respected him the most. That all changed December 26th when I woke up to my parents questioning me about what happened and why. Of course I didn't quite understand everything was still blurry, I had developed a slight alcohol problem due to my depression that I had already been sent off once for. Soon the situation became clear though, my teacher had texted me knowing very well that I was intoxicated and had manipulated me into sending inappropriate nude pictures of myself. To say I was destroyed would be an understatement, my parents were so scared they had no idea what to do so after talking to close family friends we notified the police. The next Wednesday the teacher, whom I thought was my best friend, was arrested. The day he was arrested was the day I had to go to my psychiatrist and was sent off once more for suicidal thoughts. When I got back I was surrounded by a whole school of people trying to figure out who the girl was that this loved teacher got in trouble with. I'll never forget how they said it though, "who is the slut that got him in trouble?" And that's when I knew...it was all my fault. I was surrounded by that talk for seven days or so before I made my first attempt at suicide, I had taken at least 35 of my antidepressants. Of course it didn't work and the E.R. sent me back to a psych ward. I just remember my thoughts during that time, "why me", "why did I do this to him- to everyone, it's all my fault" just horrible thoughts. Now a few months later I do understand, sort of, that it's not my fault. The cops and my therapist all say that he had been "grooming" me since freshman year to lead up to this. The cops also said this wasn't his first time and that other girls were involved. So now I find myself in a legal battle against him, he has not yet been arrested and what's worse is he has a wife and three kids, one of which is a new born baby. He's been arrested twice but bailed out each time. So now...I'm not sure what to think. What should I think? Is it my fault? Is this THAT bad? Should we even be arresting him? I just don't understand.