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Reenie605

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About Reenie605

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  1. About a week ago he got drunk and there was a huge blowout in front of the kids. I can't even remember how it all started. But I do remember that I said to him do you love me and he said how can I love you when you've gotten so fat. I asked again just to make sure and I got the same answer. I know once he starts he doesn't stop so I told the kids to get in the car and as we were walking toward the car he was outside shouting you're fat you don't do anything you can't even hold down a job. (I lost my job three weeks ago but just started a new one). I told him he can go ahead and find someone to sell the house because I am going to start looking for an apartment. He called once when we were in the car and continued to shout about how much of a loser I am and all the things that are wrong with me. The next day he went to work and tried to call me during the day. I didn't answer but texted him and said I'm not talking to him and again said I was looking for an apartment and would be out as soon as I could. So of course he has promised to be better. He said he won't drink anymore but also said he expects me to be better by trying to lose weight. I didn't respond. Since then he's tried to be mister wonderful. He hasn't been drinking and today (he's on vacation this week) he made a huge breakfast for everyone and then cleaned up everything in the kitchen. He started talking about bills and how we were going to need to buy a car next year and I said what are you talking about do you not remember that I am supposed to be looking for an apartment? All hell broke loose and he kept going on about how I don't want to admit the truth (that I've put on a lot of weight) and that I am basically the bad guy in this relationship and that the only reason he started drinking was because of me. Then when he calmed down (again) he said that he wants to work on this relationship. Promised to be better etc...etc....The thing is - I saw an apartment today and it's mine if I want it. I do want it. but I don't know how to handle it when he starts making promises and crying and saying that he knows he hasn't been good and all that....I know I need to get out and that I am just a possession to him, but I don't know how to get past this. I said something to my 20 yr old daughter and she said she's never seen me so sad and miserable and that I have to do it. I know I have to. But that final moment scares me. Not that he'll hurt me...I know that won't happen...but panicky inside feeling. I know others have been through it. How did you do it? I feel so bad for him. He has nothing and he's so phoey blind he can't see that and continues to piss on the one thing he does have.
  2. After a week of not talking to me except to send one text calling me lazy and pathetic because I didn't make coffee, he called me today as I was leaving work to tell me that he bought some home made burritos and they are in the freezer if I want one because they're really good. Burritos. Seriously. I'm grocery shopping now and I literally feel like sitting down on the floor and sobbing like a baby and not moving until they come and take me away to the loony bin. The lonileness is almost too much to take. I really dont want to do this anymore.
  3. Bennu did you come out and say that you were leaving an abusive marriage? Expecting kindness from anyone is so hard for me. I know its out there but I'm so afraid to put myself in a weird position. The couple places I've looked at so far I've tried to come off as professional, but I think that wall is really unattractive from the outside. But then I'm afraid to let it down because I think I might end up crumbling and that won't do me any good. I can't wait for this all to be over.
  4. So, as a result of all that i have let happen over the past years, my credit is entirely shot. When things were tight and something had to go unpaid it was always something with my name on it. Plus, he spends money left and right on things that he wants without waiting to see if there's money to cover our bills. This is not the way I did things prior to being married and all these troubles...I'm worried because most places do credit checks now before giving you an apartment and I do not look good on paper. I make enough at my job to afford the places I'm looking at. Someone suggested to me that I should write a short letter briefly explaining my circumstances when I fill out the rental application. I wonder if that's a good idea. I wonder if people scoff when they hear the term verbally or emotionally abused thinking it's not real. Or that the woman is just over reacting. Or am I just concerned that they think this because of how I've been conditioned to think that anything I think or feel is over reacting? What do you think?
  5. So I guess I should consider myself lucky. My husband has decided that I am not good enough for him any more. He seems to honestly think that I really want to stay in this relationship and that he has done me a favor by not divorcing me and giving me another chance to improve. Last Saturday he was at work. He always wants me to text him when he's at work, even if I'm also working. He wants to hear how much I miss him and am thinking about him. Obviously I had a hard time saying those things, but just to stop the verbal assault I would text him and wish him a good day and try to be light and pleasant about it. I sent that type of text on Saturday and he replied telling me he was sick of my bulls*t two sentence longs texts and to just leave him the f*ck alone. Ok. When he got home he got drunk again and told me he wanted a divorce. I said fine. I wouldn't talk more because he was drunk but he said he knew it would be hard financially for me and the kids so he was willing to let me stay here for a while as long as I could keep the place clean and respect HIS property. I told him that was okay, I agreed it was time for a divorce and walked out of the room. We've barely spoken since. He texted me another insult later in the week - I think he was missing the joy of insulting me and just had to get one in. I've gone and looked at a couple of apartments and I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow that I got one of them. I've been tucking some money aside in a private account and I've also been stashing some cash whenever I can. I don't have quite enough for first and last, but my daughter said she would help me. Once I get settled I should be okay, even if he doesn't give me any child support. My plan is to put together as much as I can without him noticing and put it in a storage place or at my sisters. Then when I'm ready to move I'm going to take a day off that he works a long day and get everything done while he's at work. I know that as long as he feels he has the upper hand I should be okay, but if he starts to realize that I am really going to leave, I don't know what's going to happen. He hasn't been physical with me at all...intimidating sometimes but he's never touched me. My kids are worried that he is going to hurt me. That breaks my heart. My daughter (she's almost 20) is having severe anxiety over it all. Does anyone who's left have any advice for me? Anything that I might not have thought of? If you're the praying kind, please say one for me tonight that this apartment goes through and I can get away.
  6. I sat last night in the bathroom and read all your replies and couldn't help but cry. I truly have so few people in my life that hearing and feeling your support was overwhelming for me. I have so few people in my life. lizzibethak you asked about my go-to people. There are barely any. My sister really is the only one and she has heard the story so many times I don't think she realizes how much I'm falling apart. The mortgage issue is, of course, not really my fault. He likes to blame all financial troubles on me. I used to have a job making over $60000 a year but got laid off when my son was born. Since then things have gone downhill. It was almost funny to realize I was only wanted for my money. I chickened out last night. He came home and went upstairs and only came down once. I couldn't tell if he'd been drinking or not. He usually does when he goes upstairs for that long. t've been sleeping on the couch for two years now. Im pretty sure I was having a panic attack when I posted yesterday. I really thought i would vomit or pass out. So when he went upstairs I let him do it. This morning before work he said something about the mortgage. I told him there was a problem we needed to talk about. I left for work but ended up coming home and hashing over all of the finances with him. Before it all started he asked me if I wanted to work all this out or not. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore. That he didn't treat me like a person and I couldn't live like this anymore. He gave me the sob story of how hard his life has been and said that he is trying to be better. Of course. If I had the money in the bank right now to do it I'd just leave and tell him go to hell. But I don't. And so here I am. Disgusted with myself for what I've become. I should have told him no. I've had enough. I've wasted enough of my life on you. But i didn't. Now I'm sitting here alone in the kitchen at 10:35 at night hoping to hear a kind word from people I don't know because I get none of that in may life. I make myself sick. really I wonder how it's all going to end. I am literally so ashamed of myself.
  7. I've never written a thing like this before but i am having a very hard time. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I might throw up. He argued with me this morning and I didn't stand for it. I argued back. Got to work and opened some of my mail from home and found out about a problem with our mortgage. Now I have to tell him about it. We're having money trouble and of course it is always because of me. I literally think I might pass out. I can't take any more of this. i'm trying to hold it together because I'm at work but I feel like crawling under my desk and crying. The thought of what I'm going to go through later is making me sick. and because my daughter is away at college my son won't have anyone to go to when he hears his father freaking out. It scares him. I know i am stronger than this. but right now i'm falling apart. I'm wondering if i missed a dose of my depression medication. There are times when I'm strong and can take it but i don't feel like that today. there is so much that is wrong. i can't do this anymore i really can't do this anymore. I'm not even a person anymore. i need to try to make myself strong before i get home for my son's sake. i just want to close my eyes and sleep and make it all go away.
  8. I actually wish he would find someone. I wish he would cheat on me and tell me he's leaving me. That would make things so much easier. I already gone through so many emotions about all of this. I know he's never seen me as human, he doesn't know how to. There have been days when he had a weekday off and i work my full time job, came home and changed and maybe threw some food together if I had time before I left for my second job. I'd come home at 9:30 and the place would be a mess and he'd be asking me what I was going make him for food. Then he'd want to fool around. If I'd say I was too tired to fool around he'd say it was my fault for working the second job on his day off and why should he suffer because of it. Literally disgusting. How on earth have I put up with this? I think that I could never find anyone after this. I don't think I could ever trust another person. Sometimes the loneliness of it all seems too much to bear. it's like that quote: "It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored." The idea that I will never know a real love hurts sometimes. It hurts to think I will never have someone to hold me when I'm sad or to make me soup when I'm sick. Never will anyone share in my joys and be excited for me when something good happens. No-one to cuddle with on a rainy Sunday. Usually I can accept it but there are days when it hurts more than usual.
  9. Whitebutterfly - I love how you said abuse seeps through the cracks beyond what we have evidence to see and process. How incredibly true. There are days where it feels like every word, every look, every movement comes from an abusive place. That article is so true - all those little things all the time. What have you done to try to avoid a put down or snide remark? There was literally a time when I told myself it's okay that I give up this thing that makes him upset. I'm stronger emotionally than him and i can handle it. Now I cringe when I look back at what I've given up over the years. My kids laugh at me because I will never verbally say my true age. To them it's a joke - but the reality of it is I can't stand the thought that at my age I have done absolutely nothing with my life. Yes, I have two beautiful wonderful kids but I've never done anything. He has stopped me from doing even little things like taking the kids to the museum (it's in the city and something could happen). I know very well about the freeze mode. i've lived most of my life in it. But the sad part is that freeze mode also freezes all the good feelings too. Are you guys like that also? i don't ever feel happiness anymore. I just go along emotionless.
  10. My husband gets upset when I recommend he see someone for depression. Thinks I'm insulting him and calling him weak. I always wondered what he would think if he could see himself on video....would he still find it acceptable or would he realize what he was doing was wrong?
  11. it amazes me when I read others stories and I hear my own husband in them. The 'teasing' and joking where I am always the butt of the joke and he gets mad that I can't take a little teasing. Those little offside comments about the food or something that isn't really a put down so if you call him on it he can say that's not what he meant and cover himself. But all those little side comments day after day after year after year add up to a really long list of never being good enough. And lack of empathy? When I had my daughter she was born by emergency c-section. Stayed in the hospital for four days and doctors orders when I left were not to drive a car or do anything even mildly strenuous for 3-4 weeks. Within days he had had enough of that and refused to do anything extra like driving to pick up one of my step kids or carrying a heavy load of laundry upstairs. Said it was ridiculous that I was milking it and that the extra activity would be good for me, maybe even help me to drop some of that baby weight I had put on. sounds pretty sick writing it down...
  12. Well I bought the book and started reading it. It didn't take long for me to see that things that I thought were particular only to me, are actually common. I have truly thought that he has a mental disorder of some type. He was not born in this country and was regularly abused by his mother, the father was not in the house. I thought these things made it fairly obvious that he would have a mental problem, his siblings do. To Hoping....you said your abuser is somewhat different - what did you mean? What really gets me are the times when he is mr. nice guy. Like this week - he was on vacation and he spent a lot of time cleaning the house and even made dinner a couple of nights. That never happens. But I've been hurt so badly that I can barely feel anything anymore, even the good things. I have a lot more reading to do because I still can't understand how someone can be so wonderful and so horrible. It messes with my head too much. And then I look back at everything I have given up. How I look behind me and there is a lifetime of disappointments, of giving in, of never getting the things I need to make me feel complete. And ahead of me there is no time to rebuild a life. I feel lost these days. Like I don't know what to do with myself. I hate crying but there are days where i cry all the way to work, I can't make myself stop. And times like tonight where I watch a stupid movie on television with a guy pursuing the girl he loves and I feel so stupid because I am jealous that she had a chance to experience that kind of love and I haven't. It makes me feel broken inside. I hate feeling sorry for myself. How the hell did I get here?!!!
  13. Thank you both for replying. I do have a job, although he'll be happy to tell you I don't make as much as he does. The fact that I do literally everything in the house makes no difference. Do other women in this position feel like their "person" has multiple personalities? I know so much is done is to try to make me unstable so he can be the better person over me. But it completely freaks me out when he says he doesn't remember something I told him a few days ago, or when he says one thing and then changes it and when I say you liked that the other way last time he says he has no idea what I'm talking about. In the beginning I wanted so much for him to feel loved. He had been abused as a child and had a difficult life and I saw the good in him and really wanted to make him happy. It took me a very long time to figure out that he was never going to be happy no matter what I did. I couldn't even try to be perfect because perfect changed all the time. But I always thought that, regardless of what he did, he knew that I was a good person who was at least trying to take care of him. Then it hit me that he didn't think that. A little over two years ago, we were talking about going to the beach and he started laughing (that degrading one that comes before he makes fun of me for something) and he started talking about how the last time we went to the beach he caught me coming on to some guy by sitting down by the water and spreading my legs at this person. I literally sat there speechless. Not only am I an overweight middle aged woman, but even in my younger more attractive days I was never that kind of girl. He kept assuring me it was okay, he wasn't holding it against me. He understands how I needed to come on to other men to feel attractive. I walked away with a new found realization of what I was really living. A few months later was the beginning of 2015. He had gotten very drunk after the kids went to bed. I'd been working a part time job along with my full time job to earn some extra money because he told me I didn't make enough and seeing as I had so much time on my hands I should work another job. So I found something I enjoyed. So of course now he didn't want me to work it anymore. The night that he got drunk he started telling me to leave that job. I told him I wouldn't. He started yelling at me that I was going to do what he said. I tried to go into the bathroom and lock the door but he held the door open. When I tried to leave the bathroom he blocked it and kept screaming at me that I was going to do what he said. I just kept saying, I'd like to leave the bathroom please as calmly as I could. His eyes were bugged out and he was literally frothing at the mouth as he screamed at me to quit the job. He finally went up to the bedroom and I went to make sure the kids were okay because there was no way they hadn't heard that. They were together in one room holding each other and crying. I held them and told them everything was going to be okay. He heard me come up and started walking in to the room. I told him please don't do this in front of the kids. He freaked out again saying he would never hurt his kids, what was wrong with me. He took his wedding ring off and hurled at my face. For the next hour he would go in the bedroom for a little while then come out and scream at me again, over and over. I finally told him that I was done and that I didn't want him anymore and I wanted him to leave. I could hear him trying to put a bag together but he was so drunk he couldn't do it. And of course, now that I stood up to him and told him I was done, he was all apologetic. The next morning when I wouldn't talk to him he said that he didn't remember anything at all from the night before. and of course he said I was over reacting. I told him that if he wanted us to stay together he had to stop drinking and he had to get some mental help. He said he would and Mr. Nice Guy showed up for a few months. Anyway. I just felt a need to get that story off my chest. There are so many more but this time he physically scared me and it was the moment I knew I didn't love him anymore. I'm going to get that book and read it. I need this to be done this year. I've wasted so much of my life.
  14. I couldn't have imagined that this would be my life. 49 years old and I feel like there is nothing left of me. A shell that goes through the motions of the day hoping today won't be so bad. When I look back now I see the warning signs and can't believe I was so stop and naive not to know them for what they were. We've been married for 20 years and were together for almost 10 before that. I had nothing for parents to offer advice so when he call to check up on me when I was somewhere without him, I thought it was cute how he missed me. When I saw him following me when I drove home after working extra late I actually thought it was funny. I stopped for gas and I could see him pull into the shop across the street and watch me. I laughed thinking how silly that was. What a fool. All these years later and I'm actually afraid to tell him I'm going to visit my father because i know I'll have to put up with all the complaining and accusations. I try to ignore it but the stress over little things is tearing me apart. I'm so exhausted from walking on eggshells and so numb from trying to mentally not allow his words to hurt. The jokes that I am always the butt of (I'm just kidding, stop being so touchy), the insults that he somehow believes are based in love (I'm trying to tell you I love you lady dog, why don't you f*ing listen to me), the very thinly veiled put downs (you've finally worked up the energy to clean that up, huh), it has all become so much more than I can take. I try to put it all in a mental box so I can function, but it's getting weaker and weaker. I've been sleeping on the couch for two years now. The overwhelming loneliness of my life hurts more and more each day. I have no-one to share my day with, no one to encourage me, no one to help me with the dishes, no one to be my friend and companion. I think it's more than narcissism, I actually think he has multiple personalities. I try to track them sometimes, the big breaks between the things he likes and dislikes one day compared to the next. It's crazy sometimes. I just want to wrap up in a blanket and sink down into nothing.
  15. I'm so glad to see your responses. I haven't heard of that book or those youtube videos so I will definitely look them up. I knew others also suffer from emotional abuse but reading some of the posts here I was surprised by how similar I am to so many others. I guess I thought the particulars were different. But it really made me realize when I read another woman say how she had taught herself to suppress automatic reactions to things....like pulling back when something hurts or making a face when eating something sour. I thought I was the only one who did this....I'm an expert at not scratching when something itches and at ignoring little pains here and there. Wouldn't want to upset someone and scratch at the wrong time.... I have an 18 year old daughter who is just finishing up her freshman year in college and a 12 year old son who's in 6th grade. So, getting out isn't going to be easy. I've always worked but lost my job late last year and haven't been able to get anything good since then. I try to put money away when I can but without a job right now it's hard. I try to keep my thoughts about him in a mental box that is separate from the rest of my life. Its the only way I can keep from falling apart and still function like I have to. But so often these days I question myself - am i doing this thing because I want to or because this is the thing that he won't yell about? I don't have any friends to spend time with because he's scared off any possibility of friends. Spending time or energy on friends would take away from time and energy that should be spent on him. The EV title is an accurate one. That's a good way to describe it. and sometimes it's not only what I've been through that makes me sad. It's what I've missed. I shouldn't watch sappy movies anymore. I watched that one Safe Haven where the abused woman hides out in a small town and falls in love with Josh Duhamel who loves her and eventually saves her from her abuser and everyone lives happily ever after. Why can't I have that happily ever after? It hurts so bad sometimes to know so many good things have passed me by.