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Reenie605

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About Reenie605

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  1. I sat last night in the bathroom and read all your replies and couldn't help but cry. I truly have so few people in my life that hearing and feeling your support was overwhelming for me. I have so few people in my life. lizzibethak you asked about my go-to people. There are barely any. My sister really is the only one and she has heard the story so many times I don't think she realizes how much I'm falling apart. The mortgage issue is, of course, not really my fault. He likes to blame all financial troubles on me. I used to have a job making over $60000 a year but got laid off when my son was born. Since then things have gone downhill. It was almost funny to realize I was only wanted for my money. I chickened out last night. He came home and went upstairs and only came down once. I couldn't tell if he'd been drinking or not. He usually does when he goes upstairs for that long. t've been sleeping on the couch for two years now. Im pretty sure I was having a panic attack when I posted yesterday. I really thought i would vomit or pass out. So when he went upstairs I let him do it. This morning before work he said something about the mortgage. I told him there was a problem we needed to talk about. I left for work but ended up coming home and hashing over all of the finances with him. Before it all started he asked me if I wanted to work all this out or not. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore. That he didn't treat me like a person and I couldn't live like this anymore. He gave me the sob story of how hard his life has been and said that he is trying to be better. Of course. If I had the money in the bank right now to do it I'd just leave and tell him go to hell. But I don't. And so here I am. Disgusted with myself for what I've become. I should have told him no. I've had enough. I've wasted enough of my life on you. But i didn't. Now I'm sitting here alone in the kitchen at 10:35 at night hoping to hear a kind word from people I don't know because I get none of that in may life. I make myself sick. really I wonder how it's all going to end. I am literally so ashamed of myself.
  2. I've never written a thing like this before but i am having a very hard time. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I might throw up. He argued with me this morning and I didn't stand for it. I argued back. Got to work and opened some of my mail from home and found out about a problem with our mortgage. Now I have to tell him about it. We're having money trouble and of course it is always because of me. I literally think I might pass out. I can't take any more of this. i'm trying to hold it together because I'm at work but I feel like crawling under my desk and crying. The thought of what I'm going to go through later is making me sick. and because my daughter is away at college my son won't have anyone to go to when he hears his father freaking out. It scares him. I know i am stronger than this. but right now i'm falling apart. I'm wondering if i missed a dose of my depression medication. There are times when I'm strong and can take it but i don't feel like that today. there is so much that is wrong. i can't do this anymore i really can't do this anymore. I'm not even a person anymore. i need to try to make myself strong before i get home for my son's sake. i just want to close my eyes and sleep and make it all go away.
  3. I actually wish he would find someone. I wish he would cheat on me and tell me he's leaving me. That would make things so much easier. I already gone through so many emotions about all of this. I know he's never seen me as human, he doesn't know how to. There have been days when he had a weekday off and i work my full time job, came home and changed and maybe threw some food together if I had time before I left for my second job. I'd come home at 9:30 and the place would be a mess and he'd be asking me what I was going make him for food. Then he'd want to fool around. If I'd say I was too tired to fool around he'd say it was my fault for working the second job on his day off and why should he suffer because of it. Literally disgusting. How on earth have I put up with this? I think that I could never find anyone after this. I don't think I could ever trust another person. Sometimes the loneliness of it all seems too much to bear. it's like that quote: "It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored." The idea that I will never know a real love hurts sometimes. It hurts to think I will never have someone to hold me when I'm sad or to make me soup when I'm sick. Never will anyone share in my joys and be excited for me when something good happens. No-one to cuddle with on a rainy Sunday. Usually I can accept it but there are days when it hurts more than usual.
  4. Whitebutterfly - I love how you said abuse seeps through the cracks beyond what we have evidence to see and process. How incredibly true. There are days where it feels like every word, every look, every movement comes from an abusive place. That article is so true - all those little things all the time. What have you done to try to avoid a put down or snide remark? There was literally a time when I told myself it's okay that I give up this thing that makes him upset. I'm stronger emotionally than him and i can handle it. Now I cringe when I look back at what I've given up over the years. My kids laugh at me because I will never verbally say my true age. To them it's a joke - but the reality of it is I can't stand the thought that at my age I have done absolutely nothing with my life. Yes, I have two beautiful wonderful kids but I've never done anything. He has stopped me from doing even little things like taking the kids to the museum (it's in the city and something could happen). I know very well about the freeze mode. i've lived most of my life in it. But the sad part is that freeze mode also freezes all the good feelings too. Are you guys like that also? i don't ever feel happiness anymore. I just go along emotionless.
  5. My husband gets upset when I recommend he see someone for depression. Thinks I'm insulting him and calling him weak. I always wondered what he would think if he could see himself on video....would he still find it acceptable or would he realize what he was doing was wrong?
  6. it amazes me when I read others stories and I hear my own husband in them. The 'teasing' and joking where I am always the butt of the joke and he gets mad that I can't take a little teasing. Those little offside comments about the food or something that isn't really a put down so if you call him on it he can say that's not what he meant and cover himself. But all those little side comments day after day after year after year add up to a really long list of never being good enough. And lack of empathy? When I had my daughter she was born by emergency c-section. Stayed in the hospital for four days and doctors orders when I left were not to drive a car or do anything even mildly strenuous for 3-4 weeks. Within days he had had enough of that and refused to do anything extra like driving to pick up one of my step kids or carrying a heavy load of laundry upstairs. Said it was ridiculous that I was milking it and that the extra activity would be good for me, maybe even help me to drop some of that baby weight I had put on. sounds pretty sick writing it down...
  7. Well I bought the book and started reading it. It didn't take long for me to see that things that I thought were particular only to me, are actually common. I have truly thought that he has a mental disorder of some type. He was not born in this country and was regularly abused by his mother, the father was not in the house. I thought these things made it fairly obvious that he would have a mental problem, his siblings do. To Hoping....you said your abuser is somewhat different - what did you mean? What really gets me are the times when he is mr. nice guy. Like this week - he was on vacation and he spent a lot of time cleaning the house and even made dinner a couple of nights. That never happens. But I've been hurt so badly that I can barely feel anything anymore, even the good things. I have a lot more reading to do because I still can't understand how someone can be so wonderful and so horrible. It messes with my head too much. And then I look back at everything I have given up. How I look behind me and there is a lifetime of disappointments, of giving in, of never getting the things I need to make me feel complete. And ahead of me there is no time to rebuild a life. I feel lost these days. Like I don't know what to do with myself. I hate crying but there are days where i cry all the way to work, I can't make myself stop. And times like tonight where I watch a stupid movie on television with a guy pursuing the girl he loves and I feel so stupid because I am jealous that she had a chance to experience that kind of love and I haven't. It makes me feel broken inside. I hate feeling sorry for myself. How the hell did I get here?!!!
  8. Thank you both for replying. I do have a job, although he'll be happy to tell you I don't make as much as he does. The fact that I do literally everything in the house makes no difference. Do other women in this position feel like their "person" has multiple personalities? I know so much is done is to try to make me unstable so he can be the better person over me. But it completely freaks me out when he says he doesn't remember something I told him a few days ago, or when he says one thing and then changes it and when I say you liked that the other way last time he says he has no idea what I'm talking about. In the beginning I wanted so much for him to feel loved. He had been abused as a child and had a difficult life and I saw the good in him and really wanted to make him happy. It took me a very long time to figure out that he was never going to be happy no matter what I did. I couldn't even try to be perfect because perfect changed all the time. But I always thought that, regardless of what he did, he knew that I was a good person who was at least trying to take care of him. Then it hit me that he didn't think that. A little over two years ago, we were talking about going to the beach and he started laughing (that degrading one that comes before he makes fun of me for something) and he started talking about how the last time we went to the beach he caught me coming on to some guy by sitting down by the water and spreading my legs at this person. I literally sat there speechless. Not only am I an overweight middle aged woman, but even in my younger more attractive days I was never that kind of girl. He kept assuring me it was okay, he wasn't holding it against me. He understands how I needed to come on to other men to feel attractive. I walked away with a new found realization of what I was really living. A few months later was the beginning of 2015. He had gotten very drunk after the kids went to bed. I'd been working a part time job along with my full time job to earn some extra money because he told me I didn't make enough and seeing as I had so much time on my hands I should work another job. So I found something I enjoyed. So of course now he didn't want me to work it anymore. The night that he got drunk he started telling me to leave that job. I told him I wouldn't. He started yelling at me that I was going to do what he said. I tried to go into the bathroom and lock the door but he held the door open. When I tried to leave the bathroom he blocked it and kept screaming at me that I was going to do what he said. I just kept saying, I'd like to leave the bathroom please as calmly as I could. His eyes were bugged out and he was literally frothing at the mouth as he screamed at me to quit the job. He finally went up to the bedroom and I went to make sure the kids were okay because there was no way they hadn't heard that. They were together in one room holding each other and crying. I held them and told them everything was going to be okay. He heard me come up and started walking in to the room. I told him please don't do this in front of the kids. He freaked out again saying he would never hurt his kids, what was wrong with me. He took his wedding ring off and hurled at my face. For the next hour he would go in the bedroom for a little while then come out and scream at me again, over and over. I finally told him that I was done and that I didn't want him anymore and I wanted him to leave. I could hear him trying to put a bag together but he was so drunk he couldn't do it. And of course, now that I stood up to him and told him I was done, he was all apologetic. The next morning when I wouldn't talk to him he said that he didn't remember anything at all from the night before. and of course he said I was over reacting. I told him that if he wanted us to stay together he had to stop drinking and he had to get some mental help. He said he would and Mr. Nice Guy showed up for a few months. Anyway. I just felt a need to get that story off my chest. There are so many more but this time he physically scared me and it was the moment I knew I didn't love him anymore. I'm going to get that book and read it. I need this to be done this year. I've wasted so much of my life.
  9. I couldn't have imagined that this would be my life. 49 years old and I feel like there is nothing left of me. A shell that goes through the motions of the day hoping today won't be so bad. When I look back now I see the warning signs and can't believe I was so stop and naive not to know them for what they were. We've been married for 20 years and were together for almost 10 before that. I had nothing for parents to offer advice so when he call to check up on me when I was somewhere without him, I thought it was cute how he missed me. When I saw him following me when I drove home after working extra late I actually thought it was funny. I stopped for gas and I could see him pull into the shop across the street and watch me. I laughed thinking how silly that was. What a fool. All these years later and I'm actually afraid to tell him I'm going to visit my father because i know I'll have to put up with all the complaining and accusations. I try to ignore it but the stress over little things is tearing me apart. I'm so exhausted from walking on eggshells and so numb from trying to mentally not allow his words to hurt. The jokes that I am always the butt of (I'm just kidding, stop being so touchy), the insults that he somehow believes are based in love (I'm trying to tell you I love you lady dog, why don't you f*ing listen to me), the very thinly veiled put downs (you've finally worked up the energy to clean that up, huh), it has all become so much more than I can take. I try to put it all in a mental box so I can function, but it's getting weaker and weaker. I've been sleeping on the couch for two years now. The overwhelming loneliness of my life hurts more and more each day. I have no-one to share my day with, no one to encourage me, no one to help me with the dishes, no one to be my friend and companion. I think it's more than narcissism, I actually think he has multiple personalities. I try to track them sometimes, the big breaks between the things he likes and dislikes one day compared to the next. It's crazy sometimes. I just want to wrap up in a blanket and sink down into nothing.
  10. I'm so glad to see your responses. I haven't heard of that book or those youtube videos so I will definitely look them up. I knew others also suffer from emotional abuse but reading some of the posts here I was surprised by how similar I am to so many others. I guess I thought the particulars were different. But it really made me realize when I read another woman say how she had taught herself to suppress automatic reactions to things....like pulling back when something hurts or making a face when eating something sour. I thought I was the only one who did this....I'm an expert at not scratching when something itches and at ignoring little pains here and there. Wouldn't want to upset someone and scratch at the wrong time.... I have an 18 year old daughter who is just finishing up her freshman year in college and a 12 year old son who's in 6th grade. So, getting out isn't going to be easy. I've always worked but lost my job late last year and haven't been able to get anything good since then. I try to put money away when I can but without a job right now it's hard. I try to keep my thoughts about him in a mental box that is separate from the rest of my life. Its the only way I can keep from falling apart and still function like I have to. But so often these days I question myself - am i doing this thing because I want to or because this is the thing that he won't yell about? I don't have any friends to spend time with because he's scared off any possibility of friends. Spending time or energy on friends would take away from time and energy that should be spent on him. The EV title is an accurate one. That's a good way to describe it. and sometimes it's not only what I've been through that makes me sad. It's what I've missed. I shouldn't watch sappy movies anymore. I watched that one Safe Haven where the abused woman hides out in a small town and falls in love with Josh Duhamel who loves her and eventually saves her from her abuser and everyone lives happily ever after. Why can't I have that happily ever after? It hurts so bad sometimes to know so many good things have passed me by.
  11. I've been with my husband for just about 30 years. At first I didn't really notice anything wrong. As time went on I realized that he had a "strong" personality but I didn't think that was a problem. It wasn't until we had been married for 10 years and our second child was due that I realized there was a problem. I remember standing in the garage, with our daughter right there, how he berated me, put me down, told me I was fat, told me I was a drain on the family. I was shocked. I didn't know what i had done. Like a fool I tried to make myself better. I knew what he said was wrong but I figured it was from the stress from whatever I was doing that was wrong. How stupid does that sound? then I got laid off from a well paying job and all hell broke loose. as time went on things only got worse. All the years I spent trying to make him happy were flushed down the drain. I wore his disappointment like a heavy cloak around my shoulders every day. For so long I tried to be better. Before he came home I would walk the path in the house that he would take to make sure there was nothing there to disturb him. I searched recipe sites to try to come up with meals that he wouldn't complain about. I started to become numb to his put downs. When he had a bad day at work he would come home and insult me more than usual. Put down the things I had or had not done. I told myself I was doing my job as his wife, that I should not pay attention to it. Every day hurt. Then in 2014 he said something to me that changed it all. he laughed at me, remembering how I had "come on" to a guy on the beach the year before. He laughed telling me how i had spread my legs coming on to this guy. This was the most bizarre freaking thing I had ever heard. I had no clue what he was talking about and it hit me. This man seriously has no idea who or what I am. He honestly believes that I am a person who would do that. it was so far from what I really am that I could not even understand it. Then 2015 was a difficult year as my mother was very ill. her partner died unexpectedly, and she was admitted in to a nursing home. As I went through all of this my husband mostly complained about how I wasn't paying enough attention to him. And now here I am. Alone and so incredibly lonely. I realize that I am the victim of abuse, I know I need to get =out, but its not financyally possible right now. I am so incredibly lonely that it physically hurts some time.s I don't usually share my real feeling with anyone. I know they wouldn't really understand. I'm really hoping for some support here as I work toward leaving this abuser. I have this weird phobia. Often,when I post on a forum people don't respond to me. I don't know if I end up coming off snotty or what, but I am so hoping that doesn't happen here. I really need someone. I need some help. I am so ridiculously alone. If you read my story please just let me know you read it, let me know that you saw me. I can't be strong anymore.