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About Kanga

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  1. Thanks ML17 I liked your second poem very much. The second last paragraph made me think of how sometimes I'm thinking and I start crying and I realise more about how I'm feeling and where I'm truly at with things.
  2. Yes it's like a card game. That analogy really resonates. I wonder why my x can't realise I don't care. I'm not playing. Its all time wasting and ffing no fun. Let's pack up and go home - separately of course.
  3. I'm so tired of trying so hard. I'm up against a level of stupidity and immaturity in him that wont ever go away. Sometimes it's petty and I just go around it and it doesn't get to me. Other times it's worse. And sometimes it all suddenly adds up and I reach a limit and I start questioning again why he is doing it. Because it isn't logical. He hurts himself by his behaviour and that doesn't stop him. Wasting so much money and energy on trying to hurt me. It just means I don't have much capacity emotionally for parenting. I hate that after everything I still need him to change. I've read so much about giving up on trying to control what he does or expecting better from him. But I definitely am struggling to understand how someone can continue to behave like a school boy when he is divorced with children. He has some experience now of missing out because of his bullying behaviour. Surely he can start making better choices. It feels so exhausting like I'm parenting him along with our children. And he thinks he's a great parent. And when I point out his bad behaviour and set down a boundary ie a warning of what I'll do if he acts that way again, I imagine him smiling and feeling pleased he had an impact. If I don't mention anything and therefore don't set the boundary I feel powerless. This gets me back to my initial statement. I'm so sick of trying to figure this out. There isn't an answer. There is maybe a just barely good enough way forward. I want better than that for me and for my kids. It's good to rant. Get it out of my head. 😔
  4. Urgh that's so mean. What a jerk. He is feeling threatened and has to find some way of diminishing your achievement. But that's total BS. He hates you. I'm sorry.
  5. When I was married if I got sick and couldn't do everything my X would be inconvenienced and so would get angry. It really scared me to think about getting older with him and elderly. Being old and vulnerable and married to him terrified me. What if your abuser gets worse towards you as you get older and more vulnerable? It's only going to get harder for you to leave as you get older and have even less energy. He knows you don't want a divorce and is using that. He knows how hard it will be for you to do. You have to answer to everyone's judgement and he escapes that. He will probably play the victim. He is abusive so he doesn't want to separate from you. He needs someone to diminish so he feels better about himself. He is content. I quoted you saying you are mentally broken. From your posts I don't think that's true. I think you have a great deal of knowledge and self awareness and you need to accept what's happened and why.
  6. I agree with Quaddie and WB. This kind person entered your life to help you. The universe was nudging you in the right direction because you weren't getting on track by yourself.
  7. It's difficult for me to understand your delay. Because as soon as I understood abuse, through this forum and Bancroft's book, I didn't want to be used by him any longer. I didn't want to subject myself to abuse. When I was in that FOG and still trying to hold all the sharp painful pieces together, that was different. Once I knew him, I felt repulsed. All of it was false, just manipulation. It was so painful. And I couldn't pretend that I was ok. I wasn't ok. I couldn't spend more time with him or listen to him. I knew in myself I had to leave very soon before my anger was uncontrollable. I needed to get far far away from him and release all that anger, disappointment and pain (lots of therapy).
  8. During my marriage, I went along with being emotionally hurt because I was afraid of being physically hurt. But I also think often I was taken aback by hurtful comments from him. Like by brain just couldn't compute that he said it. And from my childhood of this happening with my mother I think it was habitual for me to say nothing and be dumbfounded by emotional abuse. I was so fearful of losing the relationship with my mother because she was my only parent (my dad was not around). So for me at the core of it is the fear of losing the relationship. But now I know I'm not needy any longer. I have lost important relationships and survived. And created space in my life for healthy relationships including a healthy relationship with myself.
  9. I think whatever it is about him and your life with him that you will miss is just not worth it. When I left I felt so angry it overwhelmed other feelings. The anger actually stemmed from my belief that he did not value the good parts of our relationship enough to change his behaviour. It was devastating for me to discover he was ok with the way things were and it was just me desperate for change. I was so hurt. I was crushed to learn the extent of his selfishness.
  10. Self compassion requires a belief that you are a human being intrinsically worthy of respect. This worth is not contingent on obtaining ideals like social approval, feeling attractive or competing successfully. You are presently choosing it. I think there is an element of arrogance to this thought. That you can handle being hurt but he can't.
  11. Over and out Get your daughters to try yoga. It cured my anxiety. It removes tension from deep within the body. I felt cured within a few months and continuing it now prevents the build up of stress which leads to anxiety. I have been an anxious person my entire life because of the way my mother treated me and then my husband. So this was 40 odd years worth of tension being released. It's amazing.
  12. Can you just get a court order to sort it out? Continuing to get into his crazy world will prolong everyone's recovery. This trip sounds awesome! I love NZ. You and your daughters can have a break and some fun. He is just jealous.
  13. Most people get married wanting a happy family. That happiness includes you. You are not happy and so the marriage is a failure. The negative consequences of separating are two homes for the children and a new place he has to set up and a number of other things. Forgive yourself. You are a person not a perfect out of this world entity. You are not an all knowing, all understanding existence. Forgive yourself. You have made some mistakes with this, your life. Why are you hurting yourself? You are the one hurting you. Why?
  14. The way I would disengage emotionally was to be aware of abusive tactics in an argument. So things like moving the conversation off the concerns you've raised and then criticising you so you naturally get defensive. Or they say you can't communicate ie making it about how you've raised the issue. There's lots. Generally though not caring about your feelings and not taking responsibility for their behaviour - so many excuses! Once I knew what exactly to watch for it was easy to know he was being unfair and disrespectful and walking away, physically if possible otherwise mentally, was the best option for me. I accepted I wasn't ever going to get his cooperation. Disengaging didn't feel like a loss because I knew there was no chance of getting his understanding.
  15. And it feels so good!