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About Fightingtobeme

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  • Birthday February 25

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  1. I hadn't told anyone on the forum this because of shame. I am squeaky clean, never been in trouble, don't drink, smoke, do drugs etc. But part of the reason i was trapped for so long was my ex grew pot and would tell me if i went to the police i would go to gaol over the pot. Well he was nearly right. I got charged, and the complete and utter shame and trauma this has caused me. When i was with my ex i woke each day with the desire to live and escape. But being charged i seriously considered ending it all. Tuesday was my third time at court because of it. My lawyer wanted me to keep fighting to clear my name, but the next step was taking the stand, having witnesses etc. I couldn't face it. The first time i went to court i had to tell the clerk (receptionist at front desk) my name. I couldn't speak, crying, lost my voice due to fear, developed a stutter i still have several months later. Anyway this all leads to Tuesday where i caved and told my lawyer to say guilty just to get it over and done with... lawyer says he worked away from home 6 days a fortnight rest of the time he was jome. And the judge says "why didn't she just leave when he wasn't home?" I wish it was that easy. The judge clearly has no understanding of the trauma and complexity of domestic violence. Leaving wasn't an option. People in authority, police, judges etc should have mandatory dv training to have some form of understanding and empathy. That's my rant.
  2. Definitely livelife, as bluesky said we've all lived our own version of DV, and heard others as well. You're safe here.
  3. That's a good point Reenie, I really think my ex, besides being abusive has bi polar, schizophrenia or something. He struggles around crowds and tries very hard to be "acceptable" but things like the supermarket for example he just can't wrap his head around people sometimes being in other peoples way, and having to occasionally stop and wait etc. But he would make me wait at the end of the aisle so i wasn't "in the way" He also has a hugely inflated sense of self and his abilities. He filmed, on phone, a friends wedding which was great but he then goes around telling people the (professional) photographer was crap and he did a better job. Even if that was correct you don't say that at the wedding, with in earshot of the couple and the photographer. But that was fine for him. Yet he lambasted me for being rude when i went up to congratulate the bride, apparently i walked in front of somebody.
  4. Hugs, i went through similar emotions not long ago finding out my ex was "in a relationship" despite the fear and pain and, yes, anger he caused me. It still felt like my heart was in a vice. But I've been given a lot of good advice on here. And i was so overwhelmed emotionally i random asked a guy out. Which has ended up being the best thing I've done in a very long time. You are strong, you are brave, and you are no longer his victim. Feel sorry for the wife, she now deals with it. But hopefully not for long.
  5. Thankyou Quaddie, that makes a lot of sense.
  6. I'll start by saying that I understand if this gets pulled as it may not be appropriate for the space I'm in. If so, please forgive me for my faux pas. I can't help wondering what happens to the abusers. Do they suddenly one day see what they are and the damage they've caused? Do they stay abusers forever? The old Leopard and spots scenario. I want to one day help survivors of domestic violence, but I can't help but wonder who is there to help the abusers as well? If by helping them that stops one other person being abused that's a good thing right? Why are abusers that way? Drugs, disabilities, experiences, born that way? I can't help but want to help them too, to work through their own demons. That someone who is that systematically cruel and vicious needs love and help. I'm probably wrong, not for the first time. And nuts? Undoubtedly. But i want to reach out to those people and help them.
  7. Needing some hugs, but also sharing them.
  8. Thankyou Hoping,. I am terrible at keeping up with forums and things like that. But i'm so grateful i came across this forum and the amazing people who populate it. My friends get sick of hearing about it. They love me but they've never been in this situation; so i appreciate very much the knowledge and support here.
  9. Quaddie, ty! I looked up trauma bonding and yes I think that's it exactly! I'm so glad I'm not nuts! ... and even more glad I'm not in love with him.
  10. Well I've had an eventful day. I ended up calling the cops. Trying to be a decent person I've allowed his stuff to be stored in my shed and spare room. Long story short he came, we argued, he threatened to wreck my stuff i said leave. You're done packingfor this trip. I'm not dealing with this. He refused to leave, i called 000. Police allowed him access to the shed told him to remove his digit and get cars and mates and get here in the next 2 weeks and get his stuff and never come back again... but he has to organise with them to have a cop present. At all times.
  11. Hi Bennu, I was with him 3 years, i finally got the courage to go to the cops when he threatened to kill me. As of now it's been just shy of 4 years and i still feel very much emotionally involved with him.
  12. Hugs, I'm not an expert and others will reply with much more knowledge and insight than me. But first there is no "normal" how you deal with it is how you deal with it. Secondly, you are in deed strong, very, very strong. And don't ever doubt this about yourself! I infer from your post that you're a student? You are not alone in this and you were brave coming forward. And this site and the members on it, has tons of great advice and information. You can do this. The case will be over soon, and you can continue to build your life again. Xx
  13. That's actually a very valid point Hoping. And I think you might be on to something there. I've had many bad things happen to me in my life, starting when I was 4. And I think I do desire someone bigger and badder and scarier than the things and people that hurt me, to protect me from them. My ex used to tell me he would kill to protect me, but at that point the only thing I needed protecting from is him. And lets face it, an abuser, a woman beater, really isn't that big and brave and scary at all... only to the woman he's abusing.
  14. Having control over your own money is a positive thing, and an empowering thing. I would also go the Dr route.
  15. This, I have always been attracted to the bad boys myself, Despite the fact that I am so clean I squeak. And I am worried this guy might be oring despite the fact that I found him funny, intelligent, charming, interested in many of the same things, able to hold a conversation, disagree on things in a positive way, and I just felt inately respected by him as a person. This guy just seems genuinely nice. He doesn't have to work at it or be on his best behaviour. I accepted many date offers from other men and cancelled always before a date happened. Because of fear, nerves, or perceived red flags. Bennu 10 months is actually very quick for me, I'm not know for moving on easily. My last big relationship we broke up when I was 19 and pregnant, had my entire self shattered. I didn't sleep with anyone for 7 years after that, and didn't have a relationship for 19 years ( Started dating my current abusive ex when I was 38) I don't want to fall into that again. If I remain single I want it to be because I never found the right one. Not because I was scared and withdrew into myself and spend the rest of my life searching for something I'll never find hiding myself away. (I also have and have always had quite severe depression and social anxiety which is finally being attended to by docs/psychs et