• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.

blueskye

Members
  • Content count

    407
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About blueskye

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    US
  • Interests
    Travel, Outdoor Adventure

Recent Profile Visitors

118 profile views
  1. I have to agree with what has already been said here. In a "healthy" relationship it might be considered rude to break up via text but as you have pointed out, he will twist your words, in addition to giving you a major guilt trip, etc, etc,. If you are not comfortable doing it in person or over the phone, that is because of the environment HE has created. Your feelings are valid and do whatever makes you the most comfortable. I filed for divorce in a similar way. I didn't have the guts to face him and tell him. I was AFRAID of him! I had a close mutual friend of ours who came down on me really hard for that but that just goes to show that they don't care or respect that I'm AFRAID of him! They are NOT in my shoes! They don't know what it's like to live with him or have to deal with him! You might get similar feedback but stay strong. You don't own ANYONE an explanation or justification of the way you needed to do things! Only YOU know your situation...and your comfort level! Do what is best for you and don't apologize. Try not to feel guilty but that is kinda impossible. Just know that "we" who have BEEN THROUGH IT support you and know you are doing your best. Also! Allowing you to cook and big meal and then being a no-show! HORRIBLE! So rude!!! Acting like it never happened and wanting to make small talk? Arrogant! Like you're supposed to be ok with being treated that way! He deserves a text break-up! He doesn't consider YOUR feelings, so why should consider HIS, at this point? Stay strong and good luck! I know it's hard but you can do it!
  2. I have also been stalked before(and lately) and it is freaky! He is not worthy of your attention! He is toying with you and using you for attention!!! You helped him post surgery and he did not return the favor! He is belittling you left and right and quite honestly, when I read this as a whole, he sounds like he is 14 years old! RUN! Run from him. He is NOT a good person! This is the reason he is still single at 35! The story about being a virgin until 35. It was probably a line he uses to get attention from women. Be glad he blocked you. You blocked him, then he blocked you, then you blocked him..... it had to end eventually and it just to happen to end with him blocking you. Stop pining over him. He is not worthy of you wanting him back. Go back through your own post and underline every negative thing he did. It's a LOT for such a short relationship. Try dating someone new to "get over him." As for the stalking, I don't know what he is currently doing that makes you feel you have to move, but do WHATEVER you have to do to stay safe. Moving is a huge headache but if it keeps you safe and sane, then do it. Then be sure you cut ALL TIES TO HIM (mutual social media friends) so he doesn't find out your new location. If moving is not an option, be very random. Come and go at crazy times, stay with others occasionally, use timers to make your lights go off and on when you're not there. Take different routes to work, ask your employer if you can work more random hours. It will become too much work for him and maybe he will give up. Stop asking around about him. I know the more my ex asks around about me, the more it freaks me out. If he hears from others you are asking about him, it may be freaking HIM out and remember, he's 14, so he's going to respond like a 14 yr old! Cut ties! Snip!
  3. In my case, I had to be the one to leave. It was his house before I married him and I didn't want to even try to fight him for his "family home." Talk about poking the bear?! Making a new start was actually pretty refreshing, leaving all those bad memories behind. I just bought my first house EVER and it's pretty darn exciting. A new house to make new good memories. Leave him there with the unaffordable rent and let him figure out what to do. If you're leaving him, he's not your responsibility anymore. You figure out you (and your kids/grandkid) and let him figure out him. He's a big boy. He has a job. He'll survive. That's kinda the hard thing to do, to stop worrying about them and how things will affect them. We've been doing it for decades, most of us! So it's a habit. If you leave him, cut the cord. You do you. I was also the one who had to file. He even made remarks about the planning of our divorce but still wouldn't be the one to do it. Just like 6245 said, he needed ME to be the bad one so HE could be the victim. He pushed me to do it. So I did. He played the victim role worthy of Oscar awards! He got his wish.
  4. My favorite quote of my ex when we were in this same position was "I am no longer in control. YOU have all the control." That's when I knew I was finally being strong. It was killing him to lose control of me and of our situation. I hate when these letters come. But they are designed to give them what they want. And it's full of self-pity to try to make you feel sorry for him. He's been hurting you for years! And now he wants you to feel sorry for HIM! Poor boy! And there are clean breaks. It may not be EASY but it can be done. I went no-contact pre-divorce and went through the whole divorce no-contact. Use lawyers for communication. It pissed him off "to the max" and he did retaliate but being no-contact made the flow of painful information stop. Like turning off a faucet. Eventually the water quits dripping. Eventually his hateful remarks quit getting through to me and it is like a clean break. Easy? No. But the toxicity is gone. Stay strong. Don't respond. Don't keep reading it. Go to a friend or therapist to help you process it.
  5. How does he know all this abuse lingo? Is it because he has been through this before with someone else (and he is the abuser)? Or did he learn it from you as you were sharing about your past? It's as if he hit you where it hurts the most, to call you an abuser after ALL the work you have done on yourself. That's a low blow if you ask me. And "projection" is real. Whatever it is they are guilty of, they accuse you of it to ease their own guilt. Because in their minds if you're guilty of it too then they are not bad. Mine accused me of cheating and told people I had a boyfriend for 3 years prior to our split (totally not true) and it took a while for the truth to shake out but I finally found out he was the one cheating on me. He accused me of being materialistic even tho the ONLY thing I asked for in the divorce was the dog. And I didn't even get her either. He took it ALL including our business we built together and then goes around town telling everyone I have a rich man with a lake house and I'm materialistic!!! That's projection. Maybe he's the abuser, knows it, and it projecting it onto you to ease his guilt. I'm not sure what country you would be moving to but many countries, after you marry you could be trapped there and never get back to see your family. Especially if he is controlling/abusive. Proceed with extreme caution.
  6. Then I decided Loneliness was an upgrade And I was correct My attempt at poetry
  7. He sounds exactly like my ex. He will get worse with time. After 10 years of marriage he was walking behind me scrutinizing every move I made, ordering me around the MINUTE the alarm clock went off in the morning all the way until my head hit the pillow at night. I was his personal minion and yet I still managed to do everything wrong in his eyes. He needed to feel superior to me in everything. This is classic in narcissists. It's like he was in competition with me to be the better pet parent, kid parent, the better cook, the better gardener, the better driver, etc etc. I see this in your story too. If your relationship is young try instilling boundaries (like the day cooking the shrimp, perfect example) and see if you can turn this back around. If he's NOT abusive there may be some mild resistance but it should restore the balance back to what it should be. The next time he grabs the leash before you, speak up and deal with it calmly. If he IS abusive you will find out! Your boundaries will anger him and he won't compromise. That's how you'll know what you're dealing with.
  8. I still feel guilty too. It's part of it. But he treated you really badly and it's OK to save yourself. You didn't leave a "healthy" relationship. You had to leave because it was toxic and killing you slowly. And leaving is the brave and healthy thing to do! You did good! If you're like me you probably have people in your ear telling you you've done the wrong thing, didn't try hard enough, and crap like that. But those people didn't live in your house! YOU did! They don't know what they are talking about. They don't know about narcissists and abusers the way we now do. You have more experience than them so shed their words. Reject that. You're smarter than them in this regard and you know what you experienced better than them. They mean well but they are in the dark. Trust yourself and live in your truth. We are conditioned to think about "the abuser" 100% of the time and of course leaving them "hurt" them so that doesn't feel good. But you didn't leave TO hurt him. I LOVE the lyrics to this song. Harry Connick Jr. and Michael Buble do it best. "Cry Me A River" Now you say you're lonely You cry the whole night through Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you Now you say you're sorry For being so untrue Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you You drove me, nearly drove me out of my head You never shed a tear Remember, I remember all that you said Told me love was too plebeian, told me you were through with me And now you say you love me Well, just to prove you do Come on and cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you
  9. Did you mean for this to be poetic? Because it is. I love this post (poem). The last line is beautiful! I hope you journal that. I took a dry erase marker and wrote on the top of my bathroom mirror, "Be your own hero." Rescue yourself. You got it! How are you going to do that? I listen to Dana on a YouTube channel called Thrive After Abuse and I find her VERY encouraging and full of ideas, books, resources, etc for getting healthy whether you stay in your relationship or go or plan to go. Her long videos, I put them on and listen while I cook and do housework. I also like Inner Integration also on YouTube. Trent Shelton has short (3 min or less) videos which are very empowering and encouraging. He's my personal cheerleader! Love him!
  10. And congratulations Fluffyflea!!! You'll be on day 100 before you know it! I'm over one year and it was hard but I did it and you can too!!!
  11. I tried this with a coworker to try it. My texts seemed to be delivered but I'm sure they never said "read." And phone calls didn't ring on her end.
  12. When I blocked my now-ex he was stalking me and I was so scared out of my mind I did not give him prior warning. Oops. I think sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to stay safe and sane. Don't feel guilty. DON'T! He's been making you "feel bad" for years and years. So you made him "feel bad" once. He had it coming. And lots more where that came from!
  13. I have a very supportive family member who never gave his opinion of what I should do; leave or stay. He always listened to me when I tried to sort things out in my head. Even after we separated he still stayed neutral but supportive. Finally the day came that I filed for divorce and he then revealed that this was what he felt I should do the whole time but he felt it was a personal decision that I needed to reach on my own. That was so that I didn't feel like people were pushing me to do it. He was right. Leaving and possible divorcing are VERY big decisions that ONLY you can make. Your sister and friend, keep them close. They will support you no matter what you decide. And also let them be your example of what true love really means. They love you no matter what! What a great example!
  14. Fluffyflea, You handled that perfectly! I love it! Good job! I am just crossing the one year mark of no contact and it gets better and better. It is the ONLY way to get his words out of your head.
  15. Sorry Starshine. The Honeymoon phase is over. And thus the circle of abuse continues round and round. Keep working on your get away! Good for you! You can do this! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...