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About blueskye

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  1. Mine used to stalk me and I did the random attendance tactic and I also borrowed cars from my folks on occasion cause he was looking for my car. He came by work once, my coworkers saw him, but the loaner car parked in not-my-usual-parking-spot trick worked and he did a loop through the parking lot and left. I also parked at another business really far from my gym in case he decided to look for my car and me there. As long as he doesn't approach you, let him look! There's nothing exciting to see and eventually he'll get bored of looking. That's what mine did (after he made up a bunch of lies about where he guessed I really was. He made it not so boring for his entertainment).
  2. Also a barrage of YouTube speakers got me through this process faster. Start with Trent Shelton or Thrive After Abuse.
  3. Forgive yourself first. It's ok. We all make mistakes. We did the best we could in difficult circumstances.
  4. Oh, man....forgiveness is a process. Just start trying, and keep trying. My past year has been a journey of forgiveness of many dear ones who should have supported me in my difficult time and did not. I'm getting there. I try to have an "attitude of forgiveness" but it comes in waves and I feel different from one day to the next. It's like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. But when I look back at six months ago, I can see progress. I still need to forgive my ex but that's a bigger project. I'm one + year from the divorce and still working on it. Good luck.
  5. But she stayed strong!
  6. So I had a similar experience. I TRY to give a new guy a fair chance and separate him from my past because he had nothing to do with what happened with my ex. It's not fair to punish another guy for the sins of my ex. New guy...new chance. That being said, I don't 100% trust my own judgement and worry that I am over analyzing a new guy's actions and motives. For me, my fears were put to rest when I saw him with his child and saw their interaction. It was their relationship that made me realize he is a genuine guy who is not faking it. Because his child is a lovely human with a great heart and is in the teen years and not even bratty toward him. Wow! And he treats his child with patience and respect. Wow again. I'm sure your situation is different and there is not a child to meet or you are not that far along. But just the fact that his is twisting your words already and basically arguing with you and picking at you...this is a huge red flag and I'm glad you've already taken moves to remove him. There are better choices out there. Throw that fish back for someone else to catch. "Spiritual" one are sometimes the worst covert narcs. Beware.
  7. That's awesome Fluffy. Good job! Keep going.
  8. And oddly the people who don't matter get the good version of them. It's all backwards. I felt strangers meant more to him than I did.
  9. Seriously? That's horrible!!! Mine also had a customer service type job and I begged for him to treat me like the customers. He would great the customers with a hello. He saw no value in greeting me with a hello. He opened the door and started fussing right off the bat. I dreaded his return home every day! I told him over and over how important that greeting was to me. He would greet the dog, the child, and the cat...and skip me! And although I worked F/T our whole marriage, he said my job didn't count and I wasn't allowed to be tired from work because MY job was easy and HIS job was hard. He acted as if I had been out shopping all day and owed it to him to scramble to meet all his needs when he got home. He would also fuss about the condition of the house as if I was supposed to magically clean it from work. Without hiring a service...cause we can't afford that. It boiled down to the fact that he didn't respect my work as "work." But his work was valid and tiring. And I told him this over and over, the customers got the best him and I 'got it' when he got home. This is SO backwards because those customers are fickle and at the end of the day they really don't matter. He was supposed to have a future with me and should have invested in ME in US! If he doesn't have it in him to be nice to everyone, why do strangers get the good part and I get the bad part. This pissed me off to no end!
  10. Here is what I have learned. Blocking a door so they cannot freely leave or pass is abusive. Using 911 as a threat is abusive. She's threatening to tell them you molested the children? That's a lie and abusive! I'm not sure of the issue causing her to lock you 2 in the bedroom but I dare say she's handling it poorly. But you pushing her is also abusive. But I also understand when someone is in your face shouting and calling you names, you probably snapped. So po rn WAS an issue and you resolved it? I realize forgiveness is hard and takes time but I think she is bitter and trying to punish you and this is not healthy for either of you. If this is truly in the past then some work needs to be done to repair this relationship before it's too late. There is a great book you can download for free online (somewhere) called "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Don't let the gender steer you away. We all know abusers come in both genders and all types of couples. It will help shed light on the behaviors you are dealing with and what you should do about it.
  11. Oooo. Good stuff! MY lightbulbs are turning on now. Once when I was having an anxiety attack during a fight I started crying hysterically. His response was "stop acting like a baby!" This pissed me off SO BADLY! Dude, YOU are causing this hysteria with your anger AND you berate me for my reaction to it! But now I get it. HE manipulates so he thought I was doing the same. It explains a lot of what went down during and after the divorce, too. I guess I can understand HIM better. It doesn't change my mind about my decisions. If anything, it helps support the fact that I did the right thing.
  12. Congrats. Is he nice too? I get that "I'm not used to nice guys." But it's refreshing and I enjoy him. As a friend.
  13. One scary car ride he was livid. He kept driving faster and faster and faster. We were on curvy mountain roads. The air conditioning kept getting colder and colder and the rock music got louder and louder. I was truly scared.
  14. I've been divorced one year. I started dating a guy a few months ago and he seems so perfect. He's a healthy person. He's respectful, helpful, kind, generous, patient, everything you could ask for. I've met his child and we like each other as well. He is also divorced. It's been several months and even if I dig, I cannot find a bad word to say about him. But... There is no spark. He's great! But I have no desire to kiss his face. He told me he loved me and I was a bit scared by that. Mainly because I now realize we are at a level where I can hurt him if we break up. I'm not sure what to do with this relationship. Right now we enjoy each other's company and have similar interests. We discussed it a little and decided we are both newly divorced and need a friend so we will be friends. I thought we were on the same page but he tries to kiss me and told me he loves me. So maybe he's moving faster than me. I have waited 4 mos for a spark. He has done zero wrong. In fact, he is the kind of guy I am looking for! These kinds of guys DO exist! Why don't I feel more attracted to him? At what point do I break it off? Is it because of my abuse? I don't associate him with my past at all. I respect that he is a totally different person than my abuser and I don't hate all men. I had a brief crush (I sound 12 LOL!) on a guy who things didn't work out. There were sparks flying all over the place. So I know I am capable of sparks. Help me know what to do with new guy.
  15. Mine also ruined vacations. He once screamed at me at the beach in front of ...America! Classy! Another time we were separated at trying to work things out. He saw me 2 hrs a week and managed to pick fights and be angry. Or he would pick on and criticize every move I made. Dude! If you can't even keep it together for 2 hours! Sheesh! And you want me to come home? Go ahead. Blame the divorce on me. It's all my fault. Crazy train, indeed!