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blueskye

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About blueskye

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  1. I would say she's not talking suicide anymore because she is now in a safer environment. She's young and not putting 2 and 2 together. But I see this as a sign you are doing the right thing. My only child was a young adult when we split. Ex was getting the house and [child] couldn't bear to part with his childhood home, his stuff and his neighbors/friends so he chose to stay in the abuse. Shocked my socks off! I just assumed he would go with me as we had discussed this previously. But when the time came, he had "forgotten" all the bad stuff. I tried to remind him. He said "I've blocked it all out." So there you have it. I'm sure your kids are feeling the exact same way. They don't like change and the upset that is happening. And now that they're out of the torment, they are starting to forget it. But you can stand in your truth! You KNOW what you went through. You KNOW what the children when through and that you are making these grand steps to help them have a better life. Don't doubt yourself. The children may forget and that's ok. You can advocate for them. I suggest you give the gifts to the children from their father. It won't harm them and by NOT doing so he can use that against you with the children. Don't give him anything to make you look bad because he will use it! Mine did! It's taken me a YEAR to win back the favor or our child from the damage of my ex. Don't give him any ammo. Let the children see him when they want and give them his gifts. This will help make you look strong and loving in their eyes. You go no contact but they don't have to. Explain that you had the gifts but was confused and wasn't sure what to do with them but you want them to have them. Don't make their dad look like a monster or it will backfire bigtime! Another good book is "Divorce Poison" all about how to handle the children during a divorce. I had to read it over and over.
  2. If you dig online, you can find the book in PDF format as a free download.
  3. The lawyers are telling you to stay for the hoise and kids. The kids don't even respect you. And a house is just a house. After the divorce you can get a new one. I left with NOTHING. Just my car. He got the house. Our adult child chose to stay with him against my will. But he's old enough to choose. And it's all working out. My son is in my life, still living with his dad. He respects me now. I just bought a house. I'm glad I have a new house. You don't want to stay there with all those bad memories. He will say he doesn't want a divorce for financial reasons. Don't believe it. He has proven over and over the opposite of love. HE'S YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY! That's not love.
  4. Once I was 25. I was in a relationship I knew was bad for me. But I loved him anyway. He was "hard on me", made me cry, and I made excuses for him. I left him and moved 9 hrs away. But I missed him and came back to him. He welcomed me back with open arms. I actually "surprised him" and called him to say I'm back unexpectantly one night and he said he was busy and would see me the following day. I didn't bat an eye at that. Some time later I decided to leave again. This time 20 hrs away. By plane. I didn't tell him til the last minute knowing he'd Hoover me from going. I told him hours before my flight and not only did he talk me into staying, he proposed. I melted. We married. We had a kid. He was horrible and I made excuses for him. 22 years later I FINALLY left him and it was messy and hurt many people including our child. My biggest regret is that I didn't succeed when I was 25. I was weak and "in love." Stay strong honey. You're doing the right thing. I got the love letters too. The promises in there are empty words. It's exactly what you want to hear but he won't follow through. It's actually a violation of your privacy and boundaries for him to leave that at your house. Just a tad stalkerish and creepy. Stay away. Your instuncts are right. Don't read the letter anymore.
  5. Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps to vent here. And if that happens [you're never happy again] he wins. He played his ace card in his sick and cruel game. Let me say that I Am sorry for your loss. I realize you had a history together and I'm sure it's hard to imagine he is gone. But he was also very very mean and cruel. To you. I think everyone will agree this is the worst way to lose someone and you will have to grieve through this In stages. This is probably the worst part. It's ok to be shut down a few days. But work on the goal of being happy again one day. It's far far away right now. But make that your mantra. Or he wins.
  6. My ex would be unkind and drive me insane most of the time. But sometimes he would turn nice, kind and generous. Do that long enough and I might just roll in the hay with him. The MINUTE it was over, Dr. Jeckyll was gone and Mr. Hyde was back. It became obvious after a while WHY he was being kind.
  7. She may be self medicating by adding "other stuff" to her anti depressants which is a recipe for disaster. I would try to get her help for that.
  8. What wonderful insight.
  9. And your friends will stop coming. My friend had heard me describe him for years. One day she saw a mild instance and she said she was horrified. She said it was so much worse to experience it than to hear about it. After that she was afraid of him.
  10. If it's fake, time will tell. Every time. What she's telling her friends is her true "non-fake" self. They are so good a keeping us mega-confused and second guessing ourselves. Ending a marriage is a major life step, not to be taken lightly, and everyone here has to do it their own way and in their own time, if at all. There is never judgement here for that. There is no judgement if you stay forever and lean on us for support. When I learned what I was dealing with it empowered me. I listened to YouTubers like: Sam Vaknin (self professed narc that explains why they do what they do) , Kris Godinez, What's Wrong with kris and Steve (no nonsense info), thrive After abuse (watch the red flag series), and Trent Shelton (motivational). Most men I think identify with Richard Grannon-Spartan Life Coach (had a narc gf). I found out, through the help of my therapist that mine was Covert Narcissist and Borderline Personality Disorder. Those 2 nailed him to a T and once I learned about them I knew better what to expect In The future from him (not good). And it came true, sadly. Some will say labels don't matter. If you're miserable you're miserable and it doesn't matter why and how. But I had to study it for myself. I needed to know. I devoured You Tube videos and learned a ton!!!! Then I knew better what to do. Dont forget to pray for clarity. It will amaze you. Pray for clarity and buckle your seatbelt.
  11. So James, what happened? In my case I had the "we need to separate" conversation twice, about a year apart, and both times we stayed together. I caved. I let him talk me out of it. Then one day.... ...I had had enough! I was mega pissed and the more he talked the worse it got! I left in anger (while his back was turned because he was known to block the doorways) and I had surprised myself! I thought..."I'm OUT! Now stay out." And I did. Doors opened and God made a way and He lead me to safety. No one really addressed how to get her to be the one to leave your house. What I would do is YOU be the one to leave, at first. Then after you are out and declare that it's over and can't be fixed, then work on switching places. Maybe even help her find a new place to live is she is up for that. I'm sorry that you will be missing her child but unfortunately they are a package deal.
  12. Quaddie, I know you're asking this of Confused714 but let me chime in and say, my ex getting angry and his emotions are STILL ruling me life just a little bit even tho I am 1.5 years no contact and divorced from him. He scares me and I don't know if I will ever get over it. He has used his words to hurt and punish me from afar. But Confused, I still got free of him and I can feel the fear lifting a teeny bit at a time. I hope he doesn't know about this site since I discovered it after separating from him. I am virtually silent on social media and my friends know not to post pics of me without asking me first. It makes me feel a bit safer that way.
  13. I came to the conclusion that they feel they love us yet they are capable of hurting us. And do. And that's the opposite of love. Actions speak louder than words. Keep learning. Knowledge is power. I love youtubers: Assc direct thrive after abuse kris godinez inner integration trent shelton
  14. Being stalked is freaky scary!!!! It happened to me too! Mine would gather information from his stalking of me and make up huge lies to explain why I was where I was, and used it against me to destroy my character. He was very good at it. He successfully blew up a lot of relationships. Now my BFF is going through a divorce and her husband has been hacking her phone and computer and started bringing up all our conversations about him. So now I've been online stalked by her man! It freaks me out!!!! Stay safe. Stay no contact. It does get better.
  15. Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for your loss Tendrils. I hear so many similarities in your story to mine. When I learned about projection I realized how suicidal my ex is. He is projecting that onto everyone including me. He told a therapist a detailed story of how I said I would kill myself. All of which was a lie. But he believed it whole-heartedly, which was when I first realized he is delusional. He really is. The other thing I learned about is Borderline Persinality Disorder. Go to YouTube and find "what's wrong with kris and Steve" and listen to her explain it. It might help you heal because my ex sounds a lot like yours. The self loathing is a hallmark sign of BPD and it basically gets worse with age. They have a voice in their head that tells them they are bad. They are their own worst enemy. There is nothing anyone can do to save them. They won't listen. Once the delusional thinking hit, it was game over for me. I can't work with someone who lies to theirself!!!! And believes it!!! As for your sister-in-laws, they are flying monkeys abuse-by-proxy and they will make it their mission to make you suffer. But this is wrong, grief is hard and everyone deals with it differently and they are going to lash out. Not that it's the right thing to do, but they have someone to blame. He is perfect in heir eyes and did not see all that you saw. They really didn't know the adult him like you did. I lost my brother's support last year when I filed for divorce. He called me a liar and believed my ex's delusional lies. He lives in my town but we only see ea other and speak at family gatherings. This has been a bitter pill to swallow. I would have liked his loyalty. But a year later I realize we were never that close, I have friends and even cousins who fill his role better, and he had been douped. Your sister-in-laws have also been douped. Your ex was a sinking ship and you had to jump overboard to save yourself. Heck! He mighta "took you with him" had you stayed! Face it, you know a lot more about him and abuse then they ever will. They may be just like him and abusive in their own homes. We just don't know. I'm sorry they are making you suffer during an already extremely difficult time. It's a shame they can't be more supportive of you given the way your dad died. Best to avoid them. Forever. They are harmful and are hell-bent on continuing his legacy of abuse toward you. My ex's sister did the same. I had to cut her off. For me, the more I learn about BPD the more I am able to forgive myself for leaving. I know that's a tall order and a long road but take baby steps. I pray for your continued healing.