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blueskye

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About blueskye

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  1. When I left my now ex, my eyes were opened to his shenanigans. I had been SO blind! Blinded by love and, well, the love switch got turned off due to his horrible treatment of me and it allowed me to see him for who he really was. Next thing I knew he was being financially greedy (HUGE sums of money) toward other family members. I thought WHO IS this man? It was like he became a different person to me. And I was so glad I wasn't "with him" while he made an a$$ of himself over that money. It was an embarrassing display. Family and friends may not see the same "him" that you see. Narcissists, especially covert narcissists like mine, are master chameleons. What you see and experience is all that matters. I took a LOT of grief (to this day) from well meaning people (even family members!) who did not see what was really going on in our home. I had to stand firm in my truth. The more time we have been apart, the less confused I have become. When you're IN the relationship, confusion is at an all time high! What you describe is totally normal. They keep things topsy-turvy and your mind spinning in different directions. And the walking on eggshells, which is what you are basically describing at the beginning. It's a big hot mess. And what I learned is that victims of emotional abuse, one of the symptoms is the inability to make decisions, even small decisions. When I read that it was an ah-ha moment! That was my biggest issue. I could NOT make a decision! I was too broken to take on hard decisions! But when I read that my indecision was a SYMPTOM of my abuse, I embraced it to empower me! I AM abused and here is the proof! More proof! The best thing I ever did was journal and write it all down. And then read your journal. Over and over. It helps clear the air. It helps with the confusion. Did that really happen like that? I had abuse amnesia! I had forgotten how upset past events had made me! That event was REAL and it was BAD, and it upset me greatly! They try to sweep that under the rug and we go along with it. Back to normal now! It's all good! ...No! Don't sweep that under the rug! The journal will help with that. I'm not telling you to leave him I'm just telling you my story. You have to do what's best for you and I respect that. But let me say, there can be peace again.
  2. Here's the way I think of it. They don't change. But even IF he did change, it's too late for me. I will never trust him again. He hurt me too deeply to go back and be my old self with him. Any change he wants to make he can try to apply to the next woman in his life. I am not jealous of any new woman he may have. To be jealous would mean I think favorably of him and want him back. I feel sorry for his new women. I heard a speaker once say you have to "demote" them in your brain. They are no longer a desirable catch! Why do you want them? I have done that. It works. I threw that fish back. Someone else can catch him now, bless her heart.
  3. I am so glad you wrote. You have been on my mind! The girl who likes 21 Pilots! You have been through a LOT! But I can tell you are strong. Don't give up! Don't let him defeat you! The best revenge is a good life. I realize the trial did not go the way you planned. But it's very possible that a big long trail could have taken place, you would have had to gotten up and face him and tell your story, and be cross-examined which could have been very painful, and the end result be the same, a six year sentence. I'm GLAD he's going to jail! Be glad you didn't have to go though the pain of a trial. So it ended without fanfare. I realize that's a shock but at least he is being punished. The end result is justice. Which is what you wanted. I think you have very major depression and need medication at least for a while. You describing the world as dull is a red flag and you mentioned suicide about a dozen times. This is VERY serious! Does your counselor know of your suicidal thoughts? You need to discuss this with your medical doctor and see about getting medicine. Considering what you have been through, I would say this normal even. Many people need medication the cope with the loss of a loved one. This is similar to that. Try to get out do things. This time last year I also had no one. I was a crying, lonely mess. But now I have a roommate, a dog, and a few new friends. Find an old friend on FB or social media and reach out to them. You would be surprised. All you need is one good friend. You don't need a whole bunch of them. So this chapter is ending. Turn the page. Start a new chapter. Hang in there! You are needed in this world. Don't leave yet!
  4. You're right. They do not change. Congrats on 12 years no contact. I understand the temptation to maybe try to put the past behind you and just be friends. Some couples can do that. But I think neither of them are narcs. Thanks for the heads up. I have been no contact for a year. Our young adult son chose to live with his dad, my ex. Recently when he was over to visit his phone rang a really loud odd ringtone. He silenced it and then quickly texted the caller. I knew exactly who it was. His dad. I know because I used to also have a very loud ringtone just for him because he fusses and you for not answering him! So my son is living my old nightmare. And also, the ex hasn't changed one bit!!! This is proof. My son quickly answered him via text. Sometimes if you didn't answer right away, he would later fuss so much he forgot why he even called in the first place. "The way I answered the phone" was a HUGE issue for him! A daily fight. I hate my son has to live with that but he gets to choose. It actually feels good to see proof ex hasn't changed. Being no contact, sometimes you wonder. Maybe after I left he changed. But no. He hasn't. I did the right thing.
  5. Good for you Starshine!!!
  6. I could have written this. My story exactly. See, he STILL thinks of you as inferior!!! He's still disappointed in you. Just masking it a LITTLE better than before! That little slip of the tongue reveals a LOT! Abuser phases go like this (it's in MANY MANY books): Idealize...devaluation...discard Your story (and mine) is the classic devaluation phase. They idealize us to be WAY better than any human can be. Their expectations are WAY too high! So, after marriage when reality sets in that we are just a normal woman who loves them, that's not good enough. I downloaded a song once for the opening lyric: "Your cup is running over but you cry about the spill." That's it in a nutshell. That had it all! A wife who loves them and is doing everything they can to please them. And is faithful! Yet! It's still not good enough. It will NEVER be good enough. Nothing you do will ever be good enough! It took me a long time to swallow this bitter pill. I divorced a year ago. An example of how NOTHING you do is ever good enough, here's what happened. I didn't want to take his family home. I didn't want to ruin the business we built together because it was his full time job and income. I didn't want to ruin his career. We had land and cars and and and. I basically got in my car after 20 yrs of marriage and drove away. I only asked for the dog and I lost. I was BEING NICE! As divorces go, he is the luckiest divorced man in the whole f'ing town!!! Is he grateful? NO! He tells people I'm MATERIALISTIC, and I don't give him any alimony! AND....get this....I took three pieces of furniture. THREE! Out of the WHOLE HOUSE! They don't even match each other. He asked for 2 of them back! Ya! I took MY car (with my car payment) and 3 sticks of furniture and he calls me materialistic. You will NEVER be good enough for him. I'm sorry to tell you that. But you ARE good enough! You're perfect just the way you are! He just can't see that and HE'S the one with the problem. The fact that he's calling himself a sociopath, is very troubling. His "justification" of being a sociopath who is learning to adapt to keep the peace is quite scary. How HOLLOW! If he's TELLING you that you need to believe it! He's doing NOTHING for YOU! He's doing it to keep HIS life peaceful! He just said so. Listen to the song Lovely by Sara Haze. Have a good cry. It will be good therapy.
  7. You didn't make a mistake. You're learning. If you crack open the door of contact they come BUSTING through and he has proven that. It's actually more proof that he is toxic. It's not too late to return the gift and say you've changed your mind. Keeping it is INVITING him back into your life and your business and as Percolate said, it comes with strings. And I agree with Quaddie on this. Quote: "Really, the more separated you can become from him - and from what he does, or doesn't do - the healthier and better you will feel." This was hard for me to quit THINKING about what he's doing, or thinking, or planning! I STILL do it somewhat. I worry he's stalking me. But try to stay busy doing other things and with other people to keep your mind from wondering about him all the time. This is what has worked for me.
  8. Because he "helped you" he feels entitled to tell you what to do with your money now. I know it must be tough for you financially but if possible, you might want to refuse future financial help and then not share your financial details with him. He's not your husband so don't let him convince you that you need to share those details with him. Letting him help you out is making him feel a little power over you and now he is showing you what he does with this dose of power so you need to shut that down. (My opinion) Feeling entitled [I don't deserve this] is more classic abusive behavior and more blaming. Your short story has red flags all over it. He does not sound like a healthy man to stay in a relationship with. Being a short relationship (under a year) his "mask" is probably just now slipping and he is starting to show you the REAL him. The 75% of good times were the wooing stage but now he feels he has you so he can drop his guard and be the real him and he is starting to show you now. The fact that you have children to protect makes this situation even more urgent. Being single is better than being in a toxic relationship. If he is screaming at you, you have the right to hang up on him. You don't have to stick around for the verbal abuse. If he ends it with you over that (he won't, it's an idle threat) then he deserves it because that is not LOVE! LOVE does not scream at their loved one. A relative send me this from FB and it's perfect: Relationship with a Narcissist in a Nutshell You will go from being the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted emotionally, mentally, spiritually and probably financially And then get blamed for it.
  9. I have to agree with what has already been said here. In a "healthy" relationship it might be considered rude to break up via text but as you have pointed out, he will twist your words, in addition to giving you a major guilt trip, etc, etc,. If you are not comfortable doing it in person or over the phone, that is because of the environment HE has created. Your feelings are valid and do whatever makes you the most comfortable. I filed for divorce in a similar way. I didn't have the guts to face him and tell him. I was AFRAID of him! I had a close mutual friend of ours who came down on me really hard for that but that just goes to show that they don't care or respect that I'm AFRAID of him! They are NOT in my shoes! They don't know what it's like to live with him or have to deal with him! You might get similar feedback but stay strong. You don't own ANYONE an explanation or justification of the way you needed to do things! Only YOU know your situation...and your comfort level! Do what is best for you and don't apologize. Try not to feel guilty but that is kinda impossible. Just know that "we" who have BEEN THROUGH IT support you and know you are doing your best. Also! Allowing you to cook and big meal and then being a no-show! HORRIBLE! So rude!!! Acting like it never happened and wanting to make small talk? Arrogant! Like you're supposed to be ok with being treated that way! He deserves a text break-up! He doesn't consider YOUR feelings, so why should consider HIS, at this point? Stay strong and good luck! I know it's hard but you can do it!
  10. I have also been stalked before(and lately) and it is freaky! He is not worthy of your attention! He is toying with you and using you for attention!!! You helped him post surgery and he did not return the favor! He is belittling you left and right and quite honestly, when I read this as a whole, he sounds like he is 14 years old! RUN! Run from him. He is NOT a good person! This is the reason he is still single at 35! The story about being a virgin until 35. It was probably a line he uses to get attention from women. Be glad he blocked you. You blocked him, then he blocked you, then you blocked him..... it had to end eventually and it just to happen to end with him blocking you. Stop pining over him. He is not worthy of you wanting him back. Go back through your own post and underline every negative thing he did. It's a LOT for such a short relationship. Try dating someone new to "get over him." As for the stalking, I don't know what he is currently doing that makes you feel you have to move, but do WHATEVER you have to do to stay safe. Moving is a huge headache but if it keeps you safe and sane, then do it. Then be sure you cut ALL TIES TO HIM (mutual social media friends) so he doesn't find out your new location. If moving is not an option, be very random. Come and go at crazy times, stay with others occasionally, use timers to make your lights go off and on when you're not there. Take different routes to work, ask your employer if you can work more random hours. It will become too much work for him and maybe he will give up. Stop asking around about him. I know the more my ex asks around about me, the more it freaks me out. If he hears from others you are asking about him, it may be freaking HIM out and remember, he's 14, so he's going to respond like a 14 yr old! Cut ties! Snip!
  11. In my case, I had to be the one to leave. It was his house before I married him and I didn't want to even try to fight him for his "family home." Talk about poking the bear?! Making a new start was actually pretty refreshing, leaving all those bad memories behind. I just bought my first house EVER and it's pretty darn exciting. A new house to make new good memories. Leave him there with the unaffordable rent and let him figure out what to do. If you're leaving him, he's not your responsibility anymore. You figure out you (and your kids/grandkid) and let him figure out him. He's a big boy. He has a job. He'll survive. That's kinda the hard thing to do, to stop worrying about them and how things will affect them. We've been doing it for decades, most of us! So it's a habit. If you leave him, cut the cord. You do you. I was also the one who had to file. He even made remarks about the planning of our divorce but still wouldn't be the one to do it. Just like 6245 said, he needed ME to be the bad one so HE could be the victim. He pushed me to do it. So I did. He played the victim role worthy of Oscar awards! He got his wish.
  12. My favorite quote of my ex when we were in this same position was "I am no longer in control. YOU have all the control." That's when I knew I was finally being strong. It was killing him to lose control of me and of our situation. I hate when these letters come. But they are designed to give them what they want. And it's full of self-pity to try to make you feel sorry for him. He's been hurting you for years! And now he wants you to feel sorry for HIM! Poor boy! And there are clean breaks. It may not be EASY but it can be done. I went no-contact pre-divorce and went through the whole divorce no-contact. Use lawyers for communication. It pissed him off "to the max" and he did retaliate but being no-contact made the flow of painful information stop. Like turning off a faucet. Eventually the water quits dripping. Eventually his hateful remarks quit getting through to me and it is like a clean break. Easy? No. But the toxicity is gone. Stay strong. Don't respond. Don't keep reading it. Go to a friend or therapist to help you process it.
  13. How does he know all this abuse lingo? Is it because he has been through this before with someone else (and he is the abuser)? Or did he learn it from you as you were sharing about your past? It's as if he hit you where it hurts the most, to call you an abuser after ALL the work you have done on yourself. That's a low blow if you ask me. And "projection" is real. Whatever it is they are guilty of, they accuse you of it to ease their own guilt. Because in their minds if you're guilty of it too then they are not bad. Mine accused me of cheating and told people I had a boyfriend for 3 years prior to our split (totally not true) and it took a while for the truth to shake out but I finally found out he was the one cheating on me. He accused me of being materialistic even tho the ONLY thing I asked for in the divorce was the dog. And I didn't even get her either. He took it ALL including our business we built together and then goes around town telling everyone I have a rich man with a lake house and I'm materialistic!!! That's projection. Maybe he's the abuser, knows it, and it projecting it onto you to ease his guilt. I'm not sure what country you would be moving to but many countries, after you marry you could be trapped there and never get back to see your family. Especially if he is controlling/abusive. Proceed with extreme caution.
  14. Then I decided Loneliness was an upgrade And I was correct My attempt at poetry