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blueskye

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About blueskye

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  1. Mine isolated me too. And he was so good at it that I was in on it, too. He would tell a story to convince me that everyone was against me or us and I bought into it. I did it willingly. My parents, friends, siblings, neighbors, etc. Now that I've been divorced a year, I have been going around repairing all those relationships. He turned new people against me but that's just what he does. I've repaired more than I lost.
  2. I, too, was paralyzed with fear. Scariest thing I've ever done in my life. But I did survive and you will too. Him denying the hurtful things he said, he's trying to downplay his part. This is a form of gaslighting. Here's more about that...
  3. Oh you sound exactly like me 2 years ago. Full of hope and positivity. I'm still a positive person, HOWEVER, let me be real with you. When they realize you are leaving they get nice for a spell. It's all smoke and mirrors. Behind the scenes he is most likely plotting and scheming so that he will "win" in this impending divorce. Him blocking you in a doorway is a form of mild physical violence. That is your wake up call that you are doing the right thing. Think of it as clarity. That angry guy WILL be back. This honeymoon phase is temporary. Deep down he probably doesn't want you to go because you do so much for him and his life and finances are going to be in shambles if you divorce. He is looking out for #1. He sounds EXACTLY like my ex right down the the blocking you in the doorway scene. His statement of "prepare for war" is dead on! You can take that to the bank. Don't go back. He will punish you for considering leaving him! He will be worse! You know the scene in Finding Nemo when the evil fish has a light and Dory and Marlin are lulled by it's beauty. Yeah! That! Since your H sounds JUST like my ex let me give you a heads up of what he did to me so you can maybe prevent or brace yourself for some of the issues coming up. He spread lies about me cheating on him. I never ever did that. HE did. There is a thing called "projection" that I learned about when I started to gain clarity and in projection they take what they are doing and project it onto you! This WILL happen. All narcissists do it. You can learn all about it on YouTube. Then he used the same lies to turn our child against me, my sibling, and my entire church. He's the hero for being so faithful and I'm the cheater. He forced me to file for divorce (the "how" is a long story) so I would be the bad guy. That's more brownie points for him. They NEED attention and need everyone to support THEM and not you and they will lie to accomplish this. Then of course the divorce settlement was completely unfair but I had no fight left in me and I just let the unfairness happen. My ex was doing the lawyer, financial planning throughout our separation. If you're like me, your kids are all that matters. Sit them down before the smear campaign begins and tell them why you are divorcing/separated and say "I didn't cheat, I don't have a drug problem, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have a new man [insert whatever else he might make up] and if you hear garbage like that you will know it's lies." You may get letters and visits from him desperate to reconcile. He has a lot to lose and if you had time to read through this site (with 3 small kids I know you don't) you will see that the ones that go back, it NEVER lasts. The ones that stay, put up with the BS off and on forever. You have to decide if the good times outweigh the bad times. YOU DESERVE BETTER - YouTube Relationships: Stop running back to what broke you - YouTube And I divorced 1 year ago and things are starting to get better now. There is a light at the end of this log dark tunnel. Keep sharing. We are here for you.
  4. I'm sorry. I didn't realize your physical and other challenges. I guess that's the reason they are treating you like that. Maybe they "feel sorry for you" and think they are helping you. And I know that's not a prideful place to be. Hang in there. Vent all you want.
  5. You have to "demote" the way you think of him. He is NOT a catch. Inside that handsome exterior is a gross awful interior. I'm a sucker for a pretty face too. My ex is handsome, has a good job, owns his own home outright, and since he manipulated our adult child to live with him, he looks like the family man and me the awful parent who the child doesn't want to live with. He LOOKS GOOD! He's even lost weight and toned up. But he's a horrible man who took everything in the divorce leaving me nothing. I didn't even get the dog. He won over our child with LIES. He's abusive in many ways and I pity any woman who gets with him. This is the way you need to think of him. LET some poor other woman have him! She'll be calling you in the future like my sister experienced. Her ex's new woman called her because he seemed so perfect she couldn't figure out why my sister left him. My sister gave her an earful. She didn't heed the warning. After they married and she was trapped with a new child and no employment she called my sister back and said, "OH I see it now. I should have listened to you."
  6. In a nutshell, this is a toxic work environment. I feel that making a stand in this environment will backfire immensely and you basically are stating that yourself. As much as it IS wrong, accept the gift to keep the peace, as wrong and demeaning as it is. If it makes you feel better, give it to charity to get rid of the yick feeling. That's what I do when my ex sends flowers to my work. I'm 1+ years of no contact so receiving flowers with no name or florist name is CREEPY! So I give them to people in the hospital or nursing home and the bad feeling goes away. Then I think of the flowers and my visit with a friend with a good feeling. One thing I have learned is it is easier to market yourself and get a new job while you are currently employed. Don't be a defeatist. Try. Try applying ANYWHERE! I have had my share of toxic jobs too. I had one employer who I figured out was giving me a bad reference so I had to [shhhh] leave them off my resume. But they were phycho toxic people who treated me exactly they way you are being treated! It was easier to defend the gap in employment than their toxic smear campaign. I even got on at a temp agency. Once they realized my skills and dependability (took a while), they sent me to all the best employers in the region and it lead to a full time job and what I do now. The best thing you can do is leave.
  7. What about this. It's obvious your AA group is important to you and a great support. You NEED that right now. If I understand this correctly, he agreed to give you your space and let you have the meetings. Take him at his word, show up early and get others in the group to man the door and deal with him if he decides to show up. Most men will be happy to help an woman with an issue like this. When my ex showed up at work 1 hour after I told them not to buzz him in, all the men in the building turned into little cops. The patrolled the hallways, and parking lot and still do one year later! They love jobs like this. I also read you having a LOT of contact with him. You need to consider going no contact and block his number and all other avenues of information. This is the best thing I did. He flipped out briefly but in time, not having to deal with him and his drama was very healing! I have a saying "Protect your Peace." First you have to get peace. Go no contact. And then you have to protect your peace. Stay no contact and tell your friends you don't want message from him or about him. The drama is an addiction too. I'm saying this from experience. When you go no contact, and the drama dies down. It's weird and uncomfortable. Like the other shoe is about to drop. But it dies down in time. Once you adjust to a drama-free life, it feels SO good!
  8. Also, remember your story about how you feel he became that way? Watching his father? I think you are right about that. And for that reason, you want to limit your son's exposure to his abusive ways. Not that he shouldn't get to see his son. Not at all. But if you stay out of the relationship, your son can see you both in a healthier state. If in the future your husband gets a new woman and he treats her the same way, you son will be more able to distinguish that this is wrong and bad because you will be there as a positive influence for him. Do it for your son, so he doesn't end up the same way. The 3rd generation. Also, trust me when I say, he is telling LIES to his family about what is REALLY happening. He knows he's the bad guy in this situation but to save face he is slandering you and saying WHO KNOWS WHAT! His mom SHOULD me more understanding because she was in a similar situation and SHE GOT OUT! She ran far, far away to escape! Go mother-in-law! She's amazing! She should be your biggest cheerleader. BUT...this is HER son. Her son who does no wrong and he's feeding her a big sack of BS about you. Mine told his family I cheated on him so that they would hate me. And they believed it. Why shouldn't they? They think he's great and doesn't lie and for all pratical purposes, I'm an outsider (even after 2 decades together). I know you don't want to hear this but you are losing them too. It's already happening. You are powerless to stop it. I lost my inlaws, a sibling and my entire church in the smear campaign. It can't be stopped. I had to suck it up buttercup, hold my head up and exit quietly with class and dignity the best I could. They are loyal to their son and that's just the way it is. You will be loyal to your son too. It's what moms do. Our kids are perfect in our eyes. The books will help. You can find "Why Does He Do That" free online as a download if you look for it. That way you can start reading it right away. I also find a lot of inspiration from YouTubers. You can do a YouTube search for Narcissistic Abuse, Smear Campaign, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Gas Lighting. etc. My therapist said my ex was abusive when he blocked me from leaving a room and put his hands on my car and pushed it to keep me from trying to pull out. It seemed so small to me but even that is abuse. Once I had validation that he was abusive (plus he was verbal, emotional, spiritual, and financially abusive), I felt empowered. You deserve to be treated better. You had good times, but the bad times are really bad and trust me, after 2 decades of that, you will be in a very bad place. Please learn from MY mistake. I didn't have the internet back then to reach out and get feedback like this. Please, stay gone. You're doing good so far! I'm cheering for you! Find a mutual friend to be the liaison between you and him for the sake of your son. Work out a fair custody agreement. Cut out contact as much as possible. My child is a young adult so I went full no-contact. I haven't spoken to the ex in almost a year and a half. It's freaky really but it helps you heal! It really does! And if you consider going back think of this. Since I stayed with my now-ex for so long, he was able to manipulate our son into believe the smear campaign and there for a while I lost contact with him completely. I now have him back in my life but it's been a long road. Do this while your son is small. I wish I had. They are mean and capable of great damage!!!
  9. He's not physically abusive? Please read your own words. That last line shows your level of fear. Kudos for having him arrested. I know that's not easy and like poking a beehive but good for you. I have more to say but will reply later.
  10. You know what you need to do. Your story is SO emotionally abusive. It's one example after another. Work on getting a job and get out and leave him there. And then you have to cut off all contact. I know because I had to do the same. What I did was think of him as an addiction, a bad drug. And I'm weak to go back to him. I fall for the "I'm so sorry. I'll do better. I've changed. blah blah blah" When you cut off contact, all that ends. It's hard at first but gets easier with time. It feels just like any addiction. You crave him at first. You think you can have a little (a phone call, a little visit). The next thing you know you're back in all the way. And just like a drug, he's bad for you. Mine is too. I blocked him on all social media. I blocked his friends too. Your man FORCED his way back in. That's what they do! They are mega manipulative. If you CRACK the door open they come BUSTING back in! Don't blame yourself and beat yourself up over it. Learn from it. This is what he does! You need to have strong boundaries and expect his manipulation. No contact is the easiest way to deal with them. They are beyond crafty! And if you go no contact, they get crafty and use your friends and family to get to you. Just a heads up! Because they NEED to manipulate you and you are making it hard for him. Yes he has good qualities. Yes you had good times. They all do! But ask yourself; does the bad outweigh the good? No abuser is bad 100% of the time. You have enough material in this short summary to make a sound decision. Don't end your life! There can be good days ahead. I'm proof of that. Dig in and fight for your freedom! Good luck!
  11. Port Ploy? What's that?
  12. And herein lies the problem. My big lesson of 2016 is that I can't change him. I can only change me. I can change how I react to him. Also, guys don't GET hints or like hints. If you want something (flowers for instance) you have to say so and explain why. If this simple requests angers him then the problem is his because that is not something he should get angry over. If someone says to you, "I love it when you take me to a movie." Would that make you mad? Maybe you don't have time for a movie. Maybe you don't have the money for a movie. But are you mad? No. And now, you know what they like and maybe in the future that is something you could do when you want to do something nice for them. You NEED to tell him you like flowers because that is something you deem special and desire. Tell him your desires. And see what he does with that information. If it makes him mad, that's a really bad sign If he ignores it, another bad sign If he really cares and hears you, he will make it happen eventually. He can pick flowers in the country for free (I did that just yesterday). They don't have to be expensive. If you DON'T tell him what you like and desire, then that's not fair. Men can't read minds. Women can sometimes but not men. Sorry men. I don't mean to insult you. You have other great qualities. But mind reading is not one of them and I think you will agree. We women need to speak up and say what we want. If he's too scary to do that (mine was), then, there's your answer.
  13. This is the thing my friends bust my chops for. I also worry about him checking up on me. He stalked me for a while and it freaked me out!!! I have gone WAAAYY to far in the other direction. I went no contact. I blocked him on social media. I blocked all his friends and relatives. I even had to block MY relatives who are his flying monkeys (in his hip pocket). I look over my shoulder. I call the cops on people sitting on my street in their car. I got an app to look at people who call from blocked phone numbers. I post nothing personal about myself or my child or things we do. If he gets ONE SHRED of news about me he makes up a smear campaign with it. So I have to give him nothing! I don't allow my friends to post pics of me with them and then they fuss at me and tell me to get over it! Everyone says...don't worry about him! But the damage he did was so bad. I lost my CHILD for a while but now we are doing better. I figure it's possible he could do that again if given enough ammo. They don't know what he's capable of.
  14. For sure it was scary. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. My therapists said she's been doing it for 30 years and she's convinced divorce is harder to cope with than death of a spouse. I actually met a woman who has been both divorced and widowed. In fact, the death was by suicide. Even SHE said divorce was harder. Add a narcissist and it gets very crazy and scary. But you know what, Bennu, we're survivors! We're tough as nails now! My close friends love the change in me! They like the new resilient me. I like the new me now too. This time last year I was at my lowest. I was a puddle in the floor. In some ways it seems so long ago.
  15. This is IT in a nutshell. I am taking a Boundaries class in my community and it's very good. If you are broken up, you don't have to answer his calls or texts. Heck, you can DATE! I know that living under the same roof makes that hard but you officially CAN. Stop feeling sorry for him and his predicament. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it! He brought it all on himself. My mom (who I learned my codependent ways from) feels sorry for my ex and his sadness. She sends him gifts and cards at the holidays. He used lies in a smear campaign to divide my family and friends against me and was quite successful at it!!! And SHE feels sorry for HIM! The DUDE had it coming! Your dude has it coming too. Here's what I did. Go to YouTube and listen to "Thrive After Abuse", Trent Shelton, Inner Integration, Assc Direct, and "Kris Godinez of What's Wrong with Kris & Steve" and they will help you get the confidence to stand up to him and instill boundaries. These guys are basically repeating what my therapist (and all those books) told me to do. I need this constant "coaching" in my ear and I listen to these as I get ready in the morning or when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. The books are good too but if you're busy like me, I don't have time to sit and read and I can listen to these guys on my phone while I putter around the house. Good luck! I was JUST like you a year ago. I'm a tiny female who had to stand firm and instill boundaries to my huge husband. If I can do it, you can too! I'm rooting for ya!