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blueskye

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About blueskye

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    Travel, Outdoor Adventure

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  1. How does he know all this abuse lingo? Is it because he has been through this before with someone else (and he is the abuser)? Or did he learn it from you as you were sharing about your past? It's as if he hit you where it hurts the most, to call you an abuser after ALL the work you have done on yourself. That's a low blow if you ask me. And "projection" is real. Whatever it is they are guilty of, they accuse you of it to ease their own guilt. Because in their minds if you're guilty of it too then they are not bad. Mine accused me of cheating and told people I had a boyfriend for 3 years prior to our split (totally not true) and it took a while for the truth to shake out but I finally found out he was the one cheating on me. He accused me of being materialistic even tho the ONLY thing I asked for in the divorce was the dog. And I didn't even get her either. He took it ALL including our business we built together and then goes around town telling everyone I have a rich man with a lake house and I'm materialistic!!! That's projection. Maybe he's the abuser, knows it, and it projecting it onto you to ease his guilt. I'm not sure what country you would be moving to but many countries, after you marry you could be trapped there and never get back to see your family. Especially if he is controlling/abusive. Proceed with extreme caution.
  2. Then I decided Loneliness was an upgrade And I was correct My attempt at poetry
  3. He sounds exactly like my ex. He will get worse with time. After 10 years of marriage he was walking behind me scrutinizing every move I made, ordering me around the MINUTE the alarm clock went off in the morning all the way until my head hit the pillow at night. I was his personal minion and yet I still managed to do everything wrong in his eyes. He needed to feel superior to me in everything. This is classic in narcissists. It's like he was in competition with me to be the better pet parent, kid parent, the better cook, the better gardener, the better driver, etc etc. I see this in your story too. If your relationship is young try instilling boundaries (like the day cooking the shrimp, perfect example) and see if you can turn this back around. If he's NOT abusive there may be some mild resistance but it should restore the balance back to what it should be. The next time he grabs the leash before you, speak up and deal with it calmly. If he IS abusive you will find out! Your boundaries will anger him and he won't compromise. That's how you'll know what you're dealing with.
  4. I still feel guilty too. It's part of it. But he treated you really badly and it's OK to save yourself. You didn't leave a "healthy" relationship. You had to leave because it was toxic and killing you slowly. And leaving is the brave and healthy thing to do! You did good! If you're like me you probably have people in your ear telling you you've done the wrong thing, didn't try hard enough, and crap like that. But those people didn't live in your house! YOU did! They don't know what they are talking about. They don't know about narcissists and abusers the way we now do. You have more experience than them so shed their words. Reject that. You're smarter than them in this regard and you know what you experienced better than them. They mean well but they are in the dark. Trust yourself and live in your truth. We are conditioned to think about "the abuser" 100% of the time and of course leaving them "hurt" them so that doesn't feel good. But you didn't leave TO hurt him. I LOVE the lyrics to this song. Harry Connick Jr. and Michael Buble do it best. "Cry Me A River" Now you say you're lonely You cry the whole night through Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you Now you say you're sorry For being so untrue Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you You drove me, nearly drove me out of my head You never shed a tear Remember, I remember all that you said Told me love was too plebeian, told me you were through with me And now you say you love me Well, just to prove you do Come on and cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you
  5. Did you mean for this to be poetic? Because it is. I love this post (poem). The last line is beautiful! I hope you journal that. I took a dry erase marker and wrote on the top of my bathroom mirror, "Be your own hero." Rescue yourself. You got it! How are you going to do that? I listen to Dana on a YouTube channel called Thrive After Abuse and I find her VERY encouraging and full of ideas, books, resources, etc for getting healthy whether you stay in your relationship or go or plan to go. Her long videos, I put them on and listen while I cook and do housework. I also like Inner Integration also on YouTube. Trent Shelton has short (3 min or less) videos which are very empowering and encouraging. He's my personal cheerleader! Love him!
  6. And congratulations Fluffyflea!!! You'll be on day 100 before you know it! I'm over one year and it was hard but I did it and you can too!!!
  7. I tried this with a coworker to try it. My texts seemed to be delivered but I'm sure they never said "read." And phone calls didn't ring on her end.
  8. When I blocked my now-ex he was stalking me and I was so scared out of my mind I did not give him prior warning. Oops. I think sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to stay safe and sane. Don't feel guilty. DON'T! He's been making you "feel bad" for years and years. So you made him "feel bad" once. He had it coming. And lots more where that came from!
  9. I have a very supportive family member who never gave his opinion of what I should do; leave or stay. He always listened to me when I tried to sort things out in my head. Even after we separated he still stayed neutral but supportive. Finally the day came that I filed for divorce and he then revealed that this was what he felt I should do the whole time but he felt it was a personal decision that I needed to reach on my own. That was so that I didn't feel like people were pushing me to do it. He was right. Leaving and possible divorcing are VERY big decisions that ONLY you can make. Your sister and friend, keep them close. They will support you no matter what you decide. And also let them be your example of what true love really means. They love you no matter what! What a great example!
  10. Fluffyflea, You handled that perfectly! I love it! Good job! I am just crossing the one year mark of no contact and it gets better and better. It is the ONLY way to get his words out of your head.
  11. Sorry Starshine. The Honeymoon phase is over. And thus the circle of abuse continues round and round. Keep working on your get away! Good for you! You can do this! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...
  12. Welcome Betty, I was in a toxic marriage for 20+ years and I know the feeling. I also know what it's like to not be believed. My ex was so good at his storytelling that many people, including some close family members, fell for his lies and, to this day, do not support me as a single woman because they feel I did him wrong!!! It's a HARD pill to swallow, for sure. But what I have learned is to stand firm in your truth. YOU know the truth. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them. Only you know the truth about what is happening. People outside your home are looking at the book jacket. You're reading the book! If you tell them what is happening it's like they are reading the last 2 pages of the book and thinking they know what the book is about. They still may not get it. I was a people pleaser. I sense that you are, too. I worried WAY too much about the opinions of others. I am working to get over that. I was very successful at pleasing others. I bent over backwards to help everybody and do whatever necessary to try to make them like me and depend on me and had lots of friends because of it. So when my marriage tanked and I didn't do what they wanted me to, go back to him--PLEASE THEM--all h*** broke lose. It's been a long hard road to learn to let go of the opinions of others. It's ok to do what's best for you even if it means pi**ing people off. You will learn that your REAL friends will support you, and love you regardless. It makes your circle smaller but those left in your circle are the GOOD ONES who love you unconditionally. It prunes out the fake ones. Go you YouTube and listen to Inner Integration and Trent Shelton. They inspire me. I started with a therapist who helped show me that I was a people pleaser and helped me start "toughening up" and now I just listen to the YouTube'rs to keep me motivated and going in the right direction. The people I lost, I've gotten a few back though time and good character. My therapist swore that eventually people will see through the toxic person's lies and it's slow but starting to happen a little. The others who continue to not support me, it's their loss because I'm a great person and they are missing out knowing me and seeing the blessings that are unfolding in my my life.
  13. Congratulations on taking steps. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...
  14. Definitely. We've heard it all and we've all been through a lot.