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About tendrils

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  • Birthday 09/09/1954

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  1. Hi Clouds I was just looking back to see if anyone has mentioned a must read book called Why does He do that . By Lundy Bancroft . I think it's downloadable also . If you could find a way to getting it and read it privately . It is jaw dropping . I wish I'd known about it and read it 30 years ago . I would have realised how hopeless it all was . That nothing can ever get better . Be as strong as you can . Sending a hug if you need one .
  2. Thanks for all that you do for us - behind the scenes
  3. Please educate yourself Its overwhelming I know and you don't want to believe it . It took me 30 years to figure it out . Be strong sending a hug if you need one .
  4. I agree with all of the points that the others have said . I so understand your wanting or feeling like you should ' behave correctly ' and have a discussion and do it face to face . It just isn't a goer in a relationship without respect . So sad,but true . I didn't end my 30 year marriage in a way I am remotely proud of . I just left ,on a pretext,and haven't gone back . I still have sleepless nights ,with guilt , about doing it like that . I was afraid I would weaken and lose my courage if I tried to explain to him . My feelings were never important . Be strong ,you can do this .
  5. I had one who wouldn't give me time or attention too 30years
  6. I took loads of little steps . It felt as if it was another person making those little plans and steps ,most of them were in my head . I knew there could not be any discussion . I also felt I couldn't get past that problem and so I just stopped thinking . I was so numb ,and then he said one mean thing ( well two things actually ,together ) one morning ,( and then walked past me and went back in to his man cave ) and it was like a rush to my head and I just picked up my car keys and handbag and left ,just drove away from everything familiar ,with no plan . I was never ' allowed ' to show emotion without repercussions ,I think what he said made me all of a sudden allow a quiet and unspoken white fury into my brain and I used it as ' fuel ' to act . Not a great explanation,but that's how it felt that morning . I just acted there and then on what I actually felt . It took him 3 days to realise I had gone . I don't have children . I am 62 and we had been together and married for 30+ years . very very scary I wish now that that rush to my head had happened twelve precious years ago . It was terrifying and yet the best thing . This was in October 2015 . Still seems like yesterday on the one hand but a lifetime ago on the other hand . Not sure what my point is exactly . I just wanted to try and give you encouragement and belief in your thoughts . I remember that you were also posting on here a bit ,around the time that I was quite a bit . I know that all the wise ones here helped me in so many steadying ways . Its a good place . Hugs Just keep taking those brave little steps .Come the day ,if it's right for you,you may suddenly see your way through it .
  7. Go girl ,it's all waiting for you . wishing you Peace and respect x
  8. Mine used to say when I was trying to gather my thoughts to explain or remember something " is this going to take long " !!!
  9. I remember the panicky feelings The general feelings of fear and shame . your saying you couldn't finish sentences rang a bell . I developed a kind of stutter , It does feel over whelming . I felt like I lived hour by hour . Emotionally it's all in your mind constantly . BUT if you go back now it will all be to face and do over again. Be as strong as you are able . Get someone to talk to that understands properly . Only talking helps at this stage ,and coming here to us . We just 'get ' it . No judging or explaining . Youve done what you had to do . It's so hard ,at this stage . You tried everything you could to make it better . Sending you strength and courage .
  10. Sorry I think whilst scrolling earlier I accidentally touched 'report topic ' - on a post by notitarst
  11. I would also like to add my thanks to you all ,for what you do on our behalf .
  12. Bennu Quaddie Lizzibethak Thankyou for the encouragement and ideas I am going to imagine all the courage and sisterhood of you all surrounding me in court tomorrow Bennu - a great friend (who is catholic ) sent me a small holding cross made of olive wood ,in the spring ,that she bought in Spain during a pilgrimage walk she did to Santiago de Compostella . I don't claim to be religious but she has faith and thanks to your idea I am going to have it in my hand tomorrow X
  13. Hi everyone I've not posted for a while though I look in everyday to see how you are all coping in your lives . I can't remember now how I stumbled upon this site but it came at a time when I really needed the understanding of those of you who just ' now ' I left last October after 31years I've not seen him in 9 months But next week I have to see him in court . No way round it . Already I can feel myself sliding backwards - just at the thought of it ! I am keeping busy - spending nice times with friends ,helping out in the neighbourhood ,tending my garden etc But - all the time I've got past scenarios running through my mind again - and all I want to do is eat( - a sure sign of anxiety for me ) I have a support worker going with me on the day though she can't be in the court room . My solicitor will be with me all the time . I think mainly I'm scared of if it will set me back( mentally ,emotionally etc ) - I seem to have gained strength and put some good things back in my life - after a very scared,lonely winter of analysing everything . I hope I don't go back to that time of self doubt again in my mind . Any tips ? Stay strong everyone and safe
  14. Prescriptive txt !! Alliances should read allowances
  15. We all know that quote ' All's fair in love and war ' I awoke at 4am with it going through my mind What rubbish that is when you think about it . I know what it means - that nothing is out of bounds !!!! How wrong is that assumption ! War is most definitely NOT fair ,for whatever reason ,no matter what the 'excuse ' The Geneva convention is in place to ensure that where war does happen ,certain rules must be adhered to - but frequently these rules are ignored and people are violated ,cruelly . Then there's love ,well we here know - now ,at last . to our cost ,how unfair having no boundaries in our relationships can be . And that in the name of love ,our treatment has been very unfair . It's taken decades for some of us to finally realise that what's been happening to us ,from the ones we have given our precious love to ,is far from fair !! But we've all hung on ,trying and trying to make things work better . Looking to ourselves for our own failings ,trying to make sense of it all . Another quote ' Love is blind ' Well yes it is and I do of course understand how marvellous that is , But ,on the other hand it has worked against us all here . Because of it ,we have excused and made huge alliances for inexcusable treatment of ourselves and those we love . Don't know where all this came from ! Early morning clarity of thought ( rare ! ) Hi everyone Keep safe ,strong and sure in your minds . This is a good safe supporting place of wisdom and sisterhood .