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About tendrils

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  • Birthday 09/09/1954

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  1. I still don't know what to do with my grief So far it's only 8 days since I knew he was no longer on this earth . It feels like it could be 80 days . I tried to keep him alive for at least 24 years of our 32 years together Taking a 'barometer ' reading of his inner despair,almost hourly ,it seemed . And then seeing what nice things could be achieved that day, depending if I could steer him to anything positive ,however small . He was able to hide 'It ' in public . The 'it ' being his self loathing and lack of self esteem . He was an amazingly gifted man and made exquisite pieces of furniture ,clocks and ' Victorian ' rocking horses ,the horses as gifts for the children or grandchildren of our friends . He never believed any praise ,and felt he was 'rubbish' at everything . This was hard to live with he took no responsibility for anything at all . All this I coped with . He had three names for me . He always called me either 'darling ' 'Pollyanna ' or if I asked for his help of any kind 'mine feurer ' ( not sure re that spelling -but he meant Hitler) As he drank more and more and became more and more morose and mean and silent and cruel I lost most of my own inner spark . He threatened suicide many times ,it would just hang there over me ,ruin any thing nice ,unable to make plans, though I still did . I finally walked out mid cup of coffee ,one morning in October 2015 like a robot ,with heart hammmering . He didn't miss me for I think 4 days . Though I had told him ,and he sat with his back to me at his computer screen whilst I kissed my dog ,and threw things in my car . Since that day I have been enemy number one . Hoovered ,Abused verbally ,emotionally ,stalked ,threatened ,financially ruined ....... and on . From a distance I have raised the alarm on at least four occasions to get help to him ,re suicide attempts imminent or actual . My worry for him never stopped ,despite our separation and divorce last April . I didn't want his grown children to live with the suicidal death of their father as I and my two beloved sisters have done . If I attend his funeral ,his sister has said she will strike me . His four sisters played very little part in our lives I used to have to force him to take their rare calls . Im functioning ,up ,face on ,out for walks helping with my friends holiday homes ,living off cornflakes ,and I'm a cook ( retired nurse ) But the tears- the grief - strangely the memories are manly good just now . It would have been our silver wedding anniversary this Tuesday the twenty fifth . Even if we were still together I would have had to 'persuade ' him it was a celebration . The last ten years of not celebrating celebrations , No cards ( I wasnt worth one he told me the last few years ) no gifts for me ,no praise ,for anything ,ever ,no joy . I love joy , fun , my friends ,my sisters ,life random acts of kindness nature ........... Ive realised I've never had him ' have my back ' I'm planning a day of joy for this anniversary that 'isn't really ' I have astounding friends and beyond belief I've made astounding new ones too ,since I moved to my little rented cottage in a tiny village by the sea . I wish you all safety ,joy and a bit of fun . One life .
  2. Thankyou Especially with your upclose heartaches My father took his own life also It's brought feelings from then back into feelings now . Sending hugs and hope to you
  3. Clurichaun (((((())))))) I hope the way that how 'over and out ' described small steps ,so sensibly in every way ,will help you . I tidied and sorted between sleeping (for England !!! and staying in bed even when awake ) It didn't raise suspicion . And in my head ,I only allowed my self to think ,that that was all I was actually doing . Without motive . of course afterwards I was accused of plotting and scheming . What ever you are doing,it's all that you are able to do ,at this time . Everyone here is with you ,we are kindred spirits. Your sisters in adversity .
  4. Thankyou all A dreadful day today . A confrontation at my home were he still lived at the time of him taking his own life . we both own it ,big mortgage for mad reasons . I've paid it alone for the last 9 months as well as rent on my little place . To avoid repossession. His grown up children ,not executors , no was has been instructed legally yet to act in his absence ,have been in to the house and changed the locks and stripped the place and piled possessions outside on the lawn . They were going to call the police . I left . Everywhere is overgrown and utterly neglected ,I used to open my house and big grounds to the public to raise funds for our local hospice and village church . It's Only stuff I know ,but tough to see and be spoken to in Anger by them . I cared for them and him for 30 years .His sister came on the phone and said to me ',we all hold YOU responsible for his death . ' Apparently,rubbish skips were there the following day ordered by his sister , three days before I even knew of his suicide . They can't accept they had no legal position in place to do this . Let alone the unseemly speed of it . These grown up children haven't seen him for years . I have cried yet another river today ,I tried to keep him safe from himself for over 20 years of our 32 . And even since I left ,several times ,I've raised the alarm from a distance . I didn't leave because I didn't love him . I couldn't permit his treatment of me a day longer on the day I walked out . I was done . with his drinking and contempt of me . His son and daughter reluctantly told me ,where and how he did it . I still didn't know you see ,it shouldn't matter but it did somehow . As my imagination had been in overdrive as my father hung himself 7 years ago . I understand their grief and horror . I do . I don't know what to do with my own grief just now . It's as if I shouldn't have any . He did it in his car at our home with his chainsaw running on the back seat . I can't bare to think of him in that car . I saw his washing still there hanging up to dry ,and it broke my heart . How had that not affected his children ,it would have been the first thing I would have had to deal with ,it's been the worse thing for me - seeing that washing ,in all the unpleasantness of today . That's been the worse thing . I walked away ,I hope with quiet dignity . Such a sad mess .
  5. You have been so brave . I send an enormous hug Your new found courage is a credit to you .
  6. Thankyou all of you x
  7. He has taken his own life . I only heard about it yesterday via my solicitor as soon as she heard, and it happened 4 days before that . I cant begin really to explain my feelings . I was hysterical ,maybe for 4 hours ,plus an endless panic attack . I howled and wailed and frightened my self and others but could not stop . Disbelief. Horror . Shock . Deep sadness . Astounded at his family ,the one I was a part of for 32 years .Not contacting me and then yesterday then not permitting my sister to have a conversation with his sister to enquire ,how ,where when etc .and give condolences. I don't know if it was inside my home or in one of the barn buildings or how or anything . He was still living there in our house . It shouldn't be important but it sort of is to me . The house in the process of sale after many many difficulties and court hearings ( at a cost to me so far of £18.000) ,the buyers may pull out now . My two sisters and I were right back yesterday with all the horror of the discovery of our fathers suicide ,by hanging ,6 years ago . I am surrounded by love and support and so thankful . I left 20 months ago . He has sent me suicide letters twice before ,and was dragged from an exhaust fume filled car the first Christmas Day after I left ,after I got a 'this is what you deserve ' email , ' Now see how happy you can be with this to haunt you ' etc . I got help to him then and have since as recent as a month ago . After diazepam ,I am calm now . But my mind is full of awful images of him dead . I cant take in that I was living my life for those 4days , unaware he was no longer alive . It feels cruel after all that love and caring and trying to help him stop self loathing ( and meaness ) etc for all those years . I am a jumble of alsorts I didn't leave because I no longer cared . I just couldn't live like that any more , until I died . I don't know if I want to go ( supported ) to his funeral . I'd like to have the choice though . His family have no intention of making it known when where it will be , etc to me . I am enemy number one as far as they are concerned and say ' I deserted him ' one of his sisters told me ' I should be ashamed of myself , it was my duty to stay and he only drank 21 bottles of wine weekly for 6+years because he was unhappy ' I walked on eggshells ,was ignored ridiculed , neglected when ill, and on and on etc etc . You all know and have lived similarly. I cant let this knock me backwards . I have now filled my life with many good little things . I don't really know why I've posted .
  8. Nope James I haven't Then again I'm not looking . Probably a bit late for me. I'm in my early sixties now . I have made a platonic friendship with a confirmed bachelor neighbour however . We go the the Theatre and concerts etc together,and talk . It's fun . No pressure no expectations . By the way in my post I don't think I actually said how I left ,I literally after a snide comment and his refusal to make me a drink one morning(whilst at the kettle making one for himself ) picked up my car keys and handbag,kissed the dog and drove away .With my heart hammering. I cried for almost 6 months maybe longer . BUT I'm ok ,doing fine in fact . So will you be .
  9. Make sure you put anything precious and paperwork documents etc in a safe place away from the house . If you can whilst he's out pack essential stuff he won't miss . I felt soooo bad and full of guilt ,for months about how I did it ( and it's his biggest beef now !! ) -he says it was cowardly !!! Who cares ,just screw up every bit of courage and strength that you can muster,and go . Worry about the future after . You will not regret it . Almost 2years ago I left after 32 years ,23 of them married ,I'm no longer young ! Should have wised up and done it at least ten years earlier -like you my biggest fear was the fear of how to do it . I left my beautiful big house my beloved dog ,dear friends neighbours and everything familiar and dear to me . Those who truly love you will stay in your life . Stay strong . Ill think of you .
  10. So sorry that you are going through this James . I also do not believe in divorce . Having read stuff and from posting on this amazing site ,with its wealth of wisdom from hard experience . I found the strength somehow to leave my realationship of 30 years , 23 of them married . My only regret now is that didn't realise sooner that I could not make a difference . I should have left 10 years ago . I found listening to Richard Gannon on you tube ( called sometimes the Spartan life coach ) really enlightening . Even with his background in psychology, he fell for an abusive women . I think you might find him helpful . He tells it like it is . Stick with him . Keep safe and strong ,nothing will change with her ,sadly . And then read about what to expect after you leave ,so that you are prepared . I wish you well .
  11. Sadie jusy saying a very quick hello and sending you a tight hug . There sounds to be a lot of very wrong stuff going on here. There are wiser women than I on this wonderful sight who will help you to understand what is going on . But I wanted to say hi and reach out to you until others see your post and get the chance to write to you . I hope that you are ok ,and am so sorry you have this in your life. You absolutely do not deserve it . You are being goaded into dangerous territory by his actions . Please keep yourself safe and try and educate yourself about this kind of very dangerous and unhealthy relationship. A very very good book called ' Why does he do that ' by author Lundy Bancroft. Is a good place to start ,I think it can be downloaded also . If you can get a copy and read it privately . It will be a jaw dropping revelation to you and a huge help . ( Do not tell him that you have read it and discovered him to be abusive .it will make matters worse .) It was life changing for me. Others will be along soon to offer insight and support to you . You have been pushed to the limit . Stay strong and calm for now . Sending strength and hope Tendrils
  12. A bit of good advice get together all paperwork that you may need in the future ,and put in a safe place ready to take with you . also any precious keepsakes small enough to take . Be strong . Keep posting . There is so much wisdom and support here .
  13. Hi Clouds I was just looking back to see if anyone has mentioned a must read book called Why does He do that . By Lundy Bancroft . I think it's downloadable also . If you could find a way to getting it and read it privately . It is jaw dropping . I wish I'd known about it and read it 30 years ago . I would have realised how hopeless it all was . That nothing can ever get better . Be as strong as you can . Sending a hug if you need one .
  14. Thanks for all that you do for us - behind the scenes
  15. Please educate yourself Its overwhelming I know and you don't want to believe it . It took me 30 years to figure it out . Be strong sending a hug if you need one .