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About tendrils

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  • Birthday 09/09/1954

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  1. Just Gross Hoping I hope those around him saw what an un loyal husband he was ,to embarrass the person he ' loves ' in public
  2. I love the thought process to your analogy MG It has brought great comfort to me this morning . Thankyou
  3. Hello Gone You are doing brilliantly -Good for you BUT I am so glad that Quaddie has brought up about the credit cards in both names etc As it Screamed out to me as a very big worry . I had experience personally of what this can lead to . A living nightmare . Get your name off of anything like that quickly as safely as you can ,without detection . And yes - only take 50% of any monies . He will rage against anything you do. But if you can document Fairness in all things like that , it will be seen in your favour . A few weeks after I left , Mine tried to cheat me out of half of the proceeds from a sale of some land we had and he almost succeeded ,but for some quick thinking ,I managed to get a block put on our joint bank account so that when the money was paid in,it bounced back to the solicitors office . He ( the solicitor ) then oversaw fair division of the proceeds . My husband threatened suicide if I didn't agree to it going into our joint account,so I agreed and then blocked it . I have no idea now how I had the presence of mind to go to the bank and arrange this, they were most unhappy but I refused to leave until they did something . I was then accused by him of trickery and premeditated decietfullness . If I hadn't done what I did he would have instantly transferred this money of OURS into his own private account , he did online banking so would have sat and watched it arrive . He was apoplectic when he discovered what I had done ! I was penniless . He has cleared out our joint account into his own account on the day I left . It is sooo hard trying to think of every scenario . In the end I wasn't ready but had just completely had enough one morning and picked up my car keys . I wish you all the luck and strength in the world for you and your blameless children . Your situation sounds frightening and unwholesome . Keep safe Youre doing what needs / has to be done .
  4. I'm posting because I can't / don't want to upset anyone with how much of a mess I am . Today i can't do anything. I seem to have shutdown . im still in bed ,with constant images and conversations playing in my head . He did say if / when he finally took his life it would be so that I'd never be able to be happy after it . I love life . Im at a standstill .
  5. Good good good for you Sorry but when you said he said ' it doesn't have to be like this ' !!!! Mine would say exactly those words . You are amazing . Be very proud of your personal triumph .
  6. I can do nothing at all today . Every day since I knew of his suicide 2 weeks ago has brought more revelations,hurt and official financial stuff to deal with ,and I have . I found out just before bedtime last night that it had been his funeral yesterday . I spent the day without that knowledge . I feel utterly devastated . His family had a tight ring of secrecy around the details ,lots of his friends and myself tried to find out . I wanted someone there to represent me and tell me about it . 32 years .
  7. What is keylogger ? 6425
  8. Keep safe Get together ALL documents (or copy if you can safely ) for insurances , mortgages etc etc And any other irreplaceable little treasures . Sending strength
  9. Breno ........,. It's .............. Very very complex . Simple black and white logic or opinions are not helpful,or applicable
  10. Oh Melinoe What an articulate and insightful post . I have related to your every sentence and explanation . I hope it has helped you also 'confused' ((((( )))))) I really needed all this reinforcing this evening,it has helped order my thoughts . Mine took his own life, spectacularly, two weeks ago . He's taunted me with the fact that he would ,for 20 of our 32 years together . In his words,to 'punish me ' Love. Kindness and strenth to us all .
  11. Another day
  12. I still don't know what to do with my grief So far it's only 8 days since I knew he was no longer on this earth . It feels like it could be 80 days . I tried to keep him alive for at least 24 years of our 32 years together Taking a 'barometer ' reading of his inner despair,almost hourly ,it seemed . And then seeing what nice things could be achieved that day, depending if I could steer him to anything positive ,however small . He was able to hide 'It ' in public . The 'it ' being his self loathing and lack of self esteem . He was an amazingly gifted man and made exquisite pieces of furniture ,clocks and ' Victorian ' rocking horses ,the horses as gifts for the children or grandchildren of our friends . He never believed any praise ,and felt he was 'rubbish' at everything . This was hard to live with he took no responsibility for anything at all . All this I coped with . He had three names for me . He always called me either 'darling ' 'Pollyanna ' or if I asked for his help of any kind 'mine feurer ' ( not sure re that spelling -but he meant Hitler) As he drank more and more and became more and more morose and mean and silent and cruel I lost most of my own inner spark . He threatened suicide many times ,it would just hang there over me ,ruin any thing nice ,unable to make plans, though I still did . I finally walked out mid cup of coffee ,one morning in October 2015 like a robot ,with heart hammmering . He didn't miss me for I think 4 days . Though I had told him ,and he sat with his back to me at his computer screen whilst I kissed my dog ,and threw things in my car . Since that day I have been enemy number one . Hoovered ,Abused verbally ,emotionally ,stalked ,threatened ,financially ruined ....... and on . From a distance I have raised the alarm on at least four occasions to get help to him ,re suicide attempts imminent or actual . My worry for him never stopped ,despite our separation and divorce last April . I didn't want his grown children to live with the suicidal death of their father as I and my two beloved sisters have done . If I attend his funeral ,his sister has said she will strike me . His four sisters played very little part in our lives I used to have to force him to take their rare calls . Im functioning ,up ,face on ,out for walks helping with my friends holiday homes ,living off cornflakes ,and I'm a cook ( retired nurse ) But the tears- the grief - strangely the memories are manly good just now . It would have been our silver wedding anniversary this Tuesday the twenty fifth . Even if we were still together I would have had to 'persuade ' him it was a celebration . The last ten years of not celebrating celebrations , No cards ( I wasnt worth one he told me the last few years ) no gifts for me ,no praise ,for anything ,ever ,no joy . I love joy , fun , my friends ,my sisters ,life random acts of kindness nature ........... Ive realised I've never had him ' have my back ' I'm planning a day of joy for this anniversary that 'isn't really ' I have astounding friends and beyond belief I've made astounding new ones too ,since I moved to my little rented cottage in a tiny village by the sea . I wish you all safety ,joy and a bit of fun . One life .
  13. Thankyou Especially with your upclose heartaches My father took his own life also It's brought feelings from then back into feelings now . Sending hugs and hope to you
  14. Clurichaun (((((())))))) I hope the way that how 'over and out ' described small steps ,so sensibly in every way ,will help you . I tidied and sorted between sleeping (for England !!! and staying in bed even when awake ) It didn't raise suspicion . And in my head ,I only allowed my self to think ,that that was all I was actually doing . Without motive . of course afterwards I was accused of plotting and scheming . What ever you are doing,it's all that you are able to do ,at this time . Everyone here is with you ,we are kindred spirits. Your sisters in adversity .
  15. Thankyou all A dreadful day today . A confrontation at my home were he still lived at the time of him taking his own life . we both own it ,big mortgage for mad reasons . I've paid it alone for the last 9 months as well as rent on my little place . To avoid repossession. His grown up children ,not executors , no was has been instructed legally yet to act in his absence ,have been in to the house and changed the locks and stripped the place and piled possessions outside on the lawn . They were going to call the police . I left . Everywhere is overgrown and utterly neglected ,I used to open my house and big grounds to the public to raise funds for our local hospice and village church . It's Only stuff I know ,but tough to see and be spoken to in Anger by them . I cared for them and him for 30 years .His sister came on the phone and said to me ',we all hold YOU responsible for his death . ' Apparently,rubbish skips were there the following day ordered by his sister , three days before I even knew of his suicide . They can't accept they had no legal position in place to do this . Let alone the unseemly speed of it . These grown up children haven't seen him for years . I have cried yet another river today ,I tried to keep him safe from himself for over 20 years of our 32 . And even since I left ,several times ,I've raised the alarm from a distance . I didn't leave because I didn't love him . I couldn't permit his treatment of me a day longer on the day I walked out . I was done . with his drinking and contempt of me . His son and daughter reluctantly told me ,where and how he did it . I still didn't know you see ,it shouldn't matter but it did somehow . As my imagination had been in overdrive as my father hung himself 7 years ago . I understand their grief and horror . I do . I don't know what to do with my own grief just now . It's as if I shouldn't have any . He did it in his car at our home with his chainsaw running on the back seat . I can't bare to think of him in that car . I saw his washing still there hanging up to dry ,and it broke my heart . How had that not affected his children ,it would have been the first thing I would have had to deal with ,it's been the worse thing for me - seeing that washing ,in all the unpleasantness of today . That's been the worse thing . I walked away ,I hope with quiet dignity . Such a sad mess .