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Everything posted by littlebear

  1. last night he kicked off again randomly threw my phone and stamped on it he was so aggressive. I was standing over the other side of the room and he came at me and pushed me over luckily the sofa was behind me and I fell on that. He's never physically touched me before in four years so I was quite shocked I didn't expect it. I know it wasn't a punch or a slap I don't even know if it's physical abuse. I wasn't doing anything I wasn't shouting I just asked him to stop smashing my phone up. He said he was sick of me and just came at me and pushed me over. He went upstairs after I sat downstairs and after an hour he came down he didn't mention what happened and I didn't either I was to scared to blow it all up again but he was being extra nice and ordered us some food and was like baby this and baby that. I don't know now if next time it will be a slap or a punch. I didn't do anything at all he just said I was on my phone to much and went off on one. I have no money I've got a job interview which I told him about and he said he doesn't think I should go to it . I don't know if he would ever hit me but that's the closest it's come to it.
  2. I've posted on here before I got him out again in January but he is back again after it took me six months to get the courage the last time. Things aren't better it's the same I just read my post from last year and it's the exact same. He kicked off at me again the wkend and I stayed in my room and never came out it. He tried to smash up my phone this time as I had been on Facebook and was online when he woke up. He came up and started ranting at me told me he can get better then me and why is he with me etc etc in the only one that makes him like this I make him this angry person thag he doesn't want to be. I was crying I said please stop I don't want this argument but he wouldn't stop for a long time . I cried all day I was thinking of killing myself the wkend sometimes it feels like my only way out I feel worthless and I blame myself regularly. I don't see anyone he doesn't control who I can andcant see I just don't see anyone anymore. I lost my job I got sacked on the spot and I'm sure it's all of this that is to blame. He wakes me up everyday at 6 to make hi. A drink before he goes to work I've tried to tell him no sometimes he lets me off doing it but most of the time he pokes me and calls me till I get up and if I don't he starts on me so I do it to keep the peace. Its hard he has some good qualities sometimes but then sometimes I wish he would go out in his car and not come back horrible thoughts. I never wanted him to move back in he started coming over to make it work after a few wks he never left. I make him drinks when he asks I do what he says it's like I'm a slave with no thoughts to myself. As im not working he's got paranoid again about what I do in the day time he questions me when he's home and if calls when he's at work he asks what I'm doing to where I am. He's said he thinks I'm sleeping with someone while he's at work like that's the last thing on my mind. He hasn't hit me yet so far he always comes close but he never does the wkend was the closest he has got to hitting me he was punching the bed where my head was I was scared. I just tried to keep my mouth shut cos he was like a madman. I try to stand up to him but I can't I can't do anything :-(
  3. I'm really sorry I didn't reply back I don't get much time to myself. He's been ok since the episode but he's never 100% normal all the time. I'm scared of him I hope one day I get the courage to go. As awful as it sounds he's handsome and funny and in public he's so Charming everyone says what a nice man he is. I feel like it's me sometimes they all think he's wonderful and I know there's women wanting to take my place too because he's good looking and has a good job and looks like a family man and deep down I think I don't want him to meet someone 'better'like he says he will and find happiness I don't want him to be happy.
  4. I need to get out of this once and for all I know this I know in my heart . Everyday I live on eggshells :-(
  5. Me and him split up in March again after he walked out again. This time I was glad he left I ignored him I started going out and having a life hat lasted a month. I went on a date with someone I knew it was the best wkend I have ever had in my life he treated me so nice it made me question the last three years I had put up with. But my ex he wasn't going to let me go so easily I told him i had gone on a date with someone it didn't deter him he started turning up at my house making big declarations of love for me saying he couldn't live without me etc it was all the things I always wanted to hear as he was always so cold towards me. He got back in took me on holiday treated me so good how I always wanted it lasted a month . I Could kick myself I had been so strong but he cried and begged and I let him back. I thought I could change things but it's worse for me now I have to take photos of my where abouts when I'm not with him if he rings and I don't answer he accuses me of cheating he checks my call log and I'm not really allowed to use my phone infront of him. He's got in with my mom and dad and they now love him when they used to hate him we went out and he was all nice infront of them and then got me outside and was shouting at me saying I was showing him up I don't know what I did wrong I had to go back in the pub and pretend nothing had happened even tho he had been shouting donw my ear five minutes earlier . He's a good actor I give him that but now I'm backed trapped he moved in so now I'm really trapped . He threatens to leave me because of my 'ways' on a regular basis he locked me out of my bedroom so I slept on the sofa I don't know what I did that night either , I thought he would change they don't change anyone reading this hand on heart they offer you the world mine proposed he's backtracked again on that and said let's wait he didn't want me because he loves me he lost his emotional punchbag . We even watched a programme on abuse and he said how mental the man was in it can't he see he is that man I watched the whole thing in silence I felt like the woman in the programmed murdered by my boyfriend it's called. That's my life except he doesn't hit me looks like he comes close but he doesn't but the mental side he's the exact same. I wish I hadn't gone back what would my life be now four months on any woman reading this don't go back to them .
  6. He meant take it out of the safe in the house that we have its not a huge amount but enough for me to rent a flat if I wanted I've got some of my own savings which he doesn't know about because the joint money I'm not allowed to touch at all but he can dip into it whenever he wants
  7. No it's cash jobs don't want to say what we do in here incase was recognized . So the money is all in cash but half of it is mine as work alongside our normal jobs for extra income and no we aren't married
  8. Thank you everyone . My mom is moving to the coast in six months I might ask them to lend me the money for a deposit to rent a house and go with them I've saved some money I've got 500 so far but need four times that amount to leave and start again till I get sorted. I haven't said anything yet their looking at a house to buy but are waiting for some money off my grandads estate I'm thinking of leaving with them and going without a word. I feel guilty even thinking of these things without him knowing it's like I'm betraying him. They really don't change though I know that now he even asks to lend money off me and he's on really good money with work he pays me money each week but I have to keep asking for it he never just gives it to me and when I ask he says stop going on you will get it when I decide and the more you ask the less chance you have of getting it , he plays this game every week and I always get two/three days late but I have to stand there with a begging bowl first. We've got some savings together not much but money we both earn off side jobs we do outside work and he suggested the other day that we take it out and put it at his sisters for safe keeping I kicked up a huge fuss about it and said no I've earned that money too it's not leaving my sight and that we should split it then but he wouldn't have it and when I suggested it we keep it at my moms then he said I'm not to be trusted with money. I'm like a child to him. He refused to talk to me all day yday because I took my brother to the train station and told me I'm not a taxi service so why am I giving people lifts I just walked out and took him anyway and he gave me the silent treatment all day when I got home. Can't believe one person can act like this ??
  9. I know I've done it three times before but last time was different he knocked me down so so low and for once I felt loved and wanted by my friends and family and was seeing and talking to everyone I had lost contact with I felt like me. This time I feel like I can't make him leave again because everyone supported me last time and I've let them down I feel like I have to stick it out now . Everything that goes wrong he blames me he even accuses me of stealing money off him and I have never stole anything in my life . He says money is missing from his wallet etc and stares at me and tells me to own up to something I didn't do. He calls me stupid everyday I'm not stupid I'm well educated compared to him. I'm dead inside now it's how I feel I hate myself for letting him back .
  10. I have been on here before it was very hard to get away from my abusive partner. He walked out on me again two months ago after weeks of verbal and emotional abuse I always had him back in the past he even had me begging him to come back during those times. This time however I was so relieved he had gone I was able to do what I wanted and see my friends he kept trying to contact me with his usual tactics of blaming me but I knew it was all him. I even met someone else during this time who treated me so nice compared to my ex he actually treated me with respect. When my ex contacted me I told him i had met someone now but obvs he couldn't let that happen. He drove by the house asking who's car was outside and text and called me all the time. In the end he asked me to meet up with him crying and holding onto me telling me how much he had changed he done this twice and the second time I felt my resolve weaken. I have let him come back I lost the new man I was seeing and a lot of my family too are not talking to me. Now he is back he's said he realizes what he's like in the past and will change he's bought me a car booked me a holiday and other nice treats that he would not ever usually do even in the past. I can feel him watching me though watches me every move even when I go in the bath he comes in a few times or sits upstairs while I'm in there. He said he's never going to shout at me again and he realised what he has now. He never wanted to marry me before now he's saying he wants me to be his wife and get married he's put me all over his Facebook so everyone can see we are together again. He's messaged my mom saying how much he loves me and is changing and knows how he was in the past. He cries a lot about things and constantly asks me if I still love him. In my mind I want to believe he has changed but I feel once again that I can not breath he said I can go out with friends and do what I want and have a life but deep down I know he doesn't mean this. He keeps talking about a baby together and asking when we can start trying but I already have children and don't want anymore my youngest of four years old in a few months and I'm done with baby's he never mentioned it much before but now he wants me to get pregnant as soon as possible. He's been back a week and hasn't stepped out of line apart from asking constant reassurance and texting me most of the day saying he misses me etc. He also is asking for sex a lot more this he used to do he wants it all the time it i say I'm tired he kind of moans or goes in a sulk. I wanna believe him but I feel so trapped once again I was so happy this time and changed when he left I felt like me again after all these years and all of that is gone now and it's my own fault. I'm just venting and asking has he really changed
  11. Thankyou everyone no I've had him back in more trapped than I have ever been as I feel I can't end it again. I feel so stupid I met someone who was so respectful and caring to me he made me see sense in some way. My partner has already called me today said I don't seem as loving anymore can k go back to how I was before just leave me be for gods sake :-(
  12. Maybe he just changed tactics because aggression stopped working and silent treatment stopped working
  13. I said I'm out next month for my friends bday and he's like go I don't mind because I'm Here and I know what time your home etc and keeps making me swear on the children's lives that I won't cheat on him. I can't get pregnant as I have the coil but he's asking me when we can try and keeps bringing it up daily but then says no pressure whenever your ready. Doesn't feel that way
  14. I was debating on and off of whether to finally get rid of this man who has dragged me through the gutter for the last two years. Well it got taken out my hands when he finished with me over the most ridiculous reason in my mind. I told his Dad he wasnt planning spending Xmas with us and that he wanted to go there and leave me and the boys well his dad told his sister and his sister told him I have been back stabbing him and he called me all angry and said its over I want my stuff etc etc. I refused to let him have this control and take all his stuff while I stood there crying like I have in the past and dumped it all in his moms front Driveway. I ended up calling him the wkend and begging him to come back to me Im so ashamed of myself . I cry all the time I miss him I hate myself for missing someone who was just so cruel to me. He says its over and then sends me text messages with kisses on like hes playing games with me. I joined a dating site to try and make me feel better take my mind off things someone he knew saw me and he called me in a rage. Im going no contact now would love to say it gets easier but its been two weeks and gets harder everyday him not being here. He twisted everything onto me accused me of even flirting with his Dad , my brother in law anyone really. I wish I could feel better and make this pain go away. I deleted the dating site after he told me I was humiliating myself and him being on there. Will I get over this? I wish I had done something sooner and ended it myself because this has lowered my self wroth and sanity even more. Help !
  15. Well he came here last night he asked for sex too which I said no too. I asked him shall we get back together he said I dont know what I want . I know he isnt all that he treated me badly but I still miss him its like Im grieving everyday is a struggle . I might go and see a doctor I cant sleep and when I do I wake up in the night all the time having nightmares about him ;'( Why am I so weak he was abusive now hes gone I should be glad but Im not I feel lost.
  16. Thankyou Hes coming here tonight as he left something which is to heavy for me to move and put into the car. I want to see him so bad but also am dreading it too. I know he does not want me when we have split before he always tries to get me back or texts me and stuff he hasn't this time. It does hurt its like a death to me :-(
  17. No I will not be dating mentally I cant do it even if I wanted too. This is so hard like a death to me and he is still cruel even now I think.
  18. I've been recording him on an app on my phone. This is for my own benefit and I will never tell him or anyone else this is for me to listen back to his **** and see what's going on. But honestly since I've started it I have missed recording the abusive rants and he hasn't been as abusive the past week. Last night I walked in and he was here sitting in the dark with all the lights off on his mobile still in work clothes I asked a innocent question of why he was sitting in the dark on the phone not even got his boots off. He started shouting at me about he's been at work and he was like don't dare tell me what I can and can't do!! I wasn't telling him I asked a simple question what was the need for that angry response. Then I got a lecture on buying the right lightbulbs how I shoold take them into the shop and blah blah im not a child I know how to buy lightbulbs! Then I found out I got a job I really wanted today but thought I hadn't got and I called him and he was like hurry up im driving but in a nasty way and I said ok call you later he said no you have rang now tell me and hurry up I then said no your driving call you back but he wouldn't let me hang up so I told him he was basically like oh is that it. I missed them all never recorded one of them really done my head in I wanted to play back he he speaks to me because I forget and then all the little things get forgotten and I think it's me imaging things. Im really hoping to get something before he goes this week :-( I know it sounds mad wanting him to be horrible so I can get it on record but I feel like it will save my sanity just to hear it back for myself afterwards.
  19. I know exactly how you feel with the phone calls they do it because they can. Once he called me at work and said he had a mark on his car door and the paint was a little red paint Mark. My car is red he said I must of opened my door on his door. He rang me at work to shout at me and he said if I found out it's you little bear see what happens. Something inside of me just snapped that day it's the first and last time I've properly stood up to him. I said how dare you call me at work accusing me of things even if I had of done it which I have not you have no rights talking to me like this , I want you to get your stuff and go please' Then he just laughed and was like no im only messing it doesn't matter don't worry about it he just switched back to nice within two seconds. They know what they are doing they can control it I used to think no he can't control his anger he doesn't mean it but I realized that day that yes he can control his behavior.
  20. It's so frustrating Bennu its like evidence for me because when im inside this im used to it. When he's not here I think some of this isn't right but if I could actually listen back to it would make me feel a whole lot better. Mad I know
  21. Im going to list some examples of my own and then members can add their own and also let me know if these are abusive commenets or behaviors. It might help others looking for help and wondering if its abuse. Remarks Ive had 'Do not discuss our relationship problems with other people it just paints me in a bad light' While he discusses it with his mom and sister and then tells me their opinions on me. 'Your lazy you need to get a job and not rely on me' when I questioned it , it was to kick me up the bum to get a job apparentley I also do not rely on him for money I asked him for £40 which he lent off me two months ago. 'The fridge is disgusting what if someone from my family came and saw that milk split in the fridge its just laziness' this was the day after my Dad died and he ranted at me about it. 'can you find me some socks,boxers , razors' this one stresses me out if I cant find matching socks or razors or something he wants its followed up with 'cant you do washing properly, typical littlebear' 'I can get better than you I can and I will' hes said that to me before. 'I don't like those shorts on you . do you think your 17 I dont think you should wear them' I was wearing them when I met him for the first time. Showing him my new haircut 'you cant tell you have had it done' 'Any other man would of walked away by now your lucky im a decent bloke and put up with it' because I mentioned my exs name. 'I dont want you talking to A or B anymore they just use you they aren't your mates I really dont think you should talk/see them again' 'I dont like your kids in MY car' when I asked for a lift to the school. 'why you always on the phone ,who you talking to ,who do you keep messaging' 'If you stop doing things for me I will leave you because that's what makes me love you' I also get the silent treatment the storming out , the rages and he wakes me up early every morning to make him drinks before work if I don't want to do it he starts poking me in the head till I do it but its a joke isn't it.
  22. I would like to know how they are towards your children if you have kids together or seperatley. I've noticed mine switch from being nice to my children and then nasty like he is to me. He always always try's to send them upstairs that gets me down I like to see my kids after school for a few hours or so their homework. Even if im doing homework he's like 'what are you doing' Well it's nothing exciting why get involved I feel rushed even doing homework with them like I can't do it because he wants my time. My middle son he tells little white lies Ive discussed it with him and he has stopped but he still accuses my son of lying my son is six years old. The other week he accused him of lying agin it was over something so trivial about my son giving a biscuit to the dog he hadn't give the dog a biscuit but he was like your lying look at him he's lying again. Then my oldest came down and said it was him not my middle child and my middle son was crying by this point. I tried to stick up for him but he wouldn't have it in the end he apologized but then told my son it's because he's told lies before that's why he did it like justifying bringing my son to hysterics. He's made a beeline for him he's not to bad with my youngest and he's a bit wary of my oldest as he's harder to manipulate.
  23. They don't just give up easily none of them do. The first time wasn't so bad I wasn't so deep in with him where he had full control so he got me back easily. Second time I did start to see but again i thought he could change this was when he jumped the fence to spy on me. The third time I thought that was it totally over my brother had got involved at this point smashed up his car outside the house. He told me he hated me blamed everything on me for telling my brother only a 'few' of some of the things he had done or said to me. He said I painted him in a bad light I had ruined everything he was crying then angry then he left. I ended up feeling guilty like I was to blame and everything he said was true I did go no contact though but within a week he was already back again. Saying because he loved me so much he was willing to 'forgive' me for talking to my brother about our relationship issues but my brother I was not allowed to talk to him again. I ended up saying sorry for what happened and he came back again I know now none of it was my fault he was abusive and I told someone what they did was not my fault. It's hard to get away they manipulate everything they have you apologizing for something you don't even know what you did its craziness
  24. I worry about the kids and I agree with everyone else when you say the kids know how to be and they know what they can and cannot say/do without needing us to tell them. If I see my brother or a friend of mine that I know he dislikes and the kids are there I ask them not to mention it. I just say it will cause trouble and they both just nod at me they know they can't tell him we saw my brother or my friend because they know how he will go on at me so Im teaching my kids wrong im telling them to lie. He gets involved when im disciplining them he takes over and tells me they do it because im weak so he starts ranting at them instead. Lost goes on with these people...
  25. Oh yes he's very jealous or this new hobble of yours. It's because it takes the attention away from the most important person in their world THEMSELVES. You must still go to the group because if you don't you know that is control he's controlling you he has no right to do that to you. I've noticed if I go out he hardly talks to me when I get home he pretends to be asleep even if it's early like to teach me a lesson I suppose. Or I get ' I don't care what time you back I don't care what you do' clearly you care or you would say have a nice time or something along them lines. Most of the time it's not worth the hassle of me going out anymore I get silly accusations or nasty remarks and the silent treatment. I love it if he is going out because that means I can go out too im allowed out then with no complaints it's ridiculous I know how you feel. But you must go this is something you enjoy don't let him take it