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littlebear

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About littlebear

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  1. last night he kicked off again randomly threw my phone and stamped on it he was so aggressive. I was standing over the other side of the room and he came at me and pushed me over luckily the sofa was behind me and I fell on that. He's never physically touched me before in four years so I was quite shocked I didn't expect it. I know it wasn't a punch or a slap I don't even know if it's physical abuse. I wasn't doing anything I wasn't shouting I just asked him to stop smashing my phone up. He said he was sick of me and just came at me and pushed me over. He went upstairs after I sat downstairs and after an hour he came down he didn't mention what happened and I didn't either I was to scared to blow it all up again but he was being extra nice and ordered us some food and was like baby this and baby that. I don't know now if next time it will be a slap or a punch. I didn't do anything at all he just said I was on my phone to much and went off on one. I have no money I've got a job interview which I told him about and he said he doesn't think I should go to it . I don't know if he would ever hit me but that's the closest it's come to it.
  2. I'm really sorry I didn't reply back I don't get much time to myself. He's been ok since the episode but he's never 100% normal all the time. I'm scared of him I hope one day I get the courage to go. As awful as it sounds he's handsome and funny and in public he's so Charming everyone says what a nice man he is. I feel like it's me sometimes they all think he's wonderful and I know there's women wanting to take my place too because he's good looking and has a good job and looks like a family man and deep down I think I don't want him to meet someone 'better'like he says he will and find happiness I don't want him to be happy.
  3. I need to get out of this once and for all I know this I know in my heart . Everyday I live on eggshells :-(
  4. I've posted on here before I got him out again in January but he is back again after it took me six months to get the courage the last time. Things aren't better it's the same I just read my post from last year and it's the exact same. He kicked off at me again the wkend and I stayed in my room and never came out it. He tried to smash up my phone this time as I had been on Facebook and was online when he woke up. He came up and started ranting at me told me he can get better then me and why is he with me etc etc in the only one that makes him like this I make him this angry person thag he doesn't want to be. I was crying I said please stop I don't want this argument but he wouldn't stop for a long time . I cried all day I was thinking of killing myself the wkend sometimes it feels like my only way out I feel worthless and I blame myself regularly. I don't see anyone he doesn't control who I can andcant see I just don't see anyone anymore. I lost my job I got sacked on the spot and I'm sure it's all of this that is to blame. He wakes me up everyday at 6 to make hi. A drink before he goes to work I've tried to tell him no sometimes he lets me off doing it but most of the time he pokes me and calls me till I get up and if I don't he starts on me so I do it to keep the peace. Its hard he has some good qualities sometimes but then sometimes I wish he would go out in his car and not come back horrible thoughts. I never wanted him to move back in he started coming over to make it work after a few wks he never left. I make him drinks when he asks I do what he says it's like I'm a slave with no thoughts to myself. As im not working he's got paranoid again about what I do in the day time he questions me when he's home and if calls when he's at work he asks what I'm doing to where I am. He's said he thinks I'm sleeping with someone while he's at work like that's the last thing on my mind. He hasn't hit me yet so far he always comes close but he never does the wkend was the closest he has got to hitting me he was punching the bed where my head was I was scared. I just tried to keep my mouth shut cos he was like a madman. I try to stand up to him but I can't I can't do anything :-(
  5. He meant take it out of the safe in the house that we have its not a huge amount but enough for me to rent a flat if I wanted I've got some of my own savings which he doesn't know about because the joint money I'm not allowed to touch at all but he can dip into it whenever he wants
  6. No it's cash jobs don't want to say what we do in here incase was recognized . So the money is all in cash but half of it is mine as work alongside our normal jobs for extra income and no we aren't married
  7. Thank you everyone . My mom is moving to the coast in six months I might ask them to lend me the money for a deposit to rent a house and go with them I've saved some money I've got 500 so far but need four times that amount to leave and start again till I get sorted. I haven't said anything yet their looking at a house to buy but are waiting for some money off my grandads estate I'm thinking of leaving with them and going without a word. I feel guilty even thinking of these things without him knowing it's like I'm betraying him. They really don't change though I know that now he even asks to lend money off me and he's on really good money with work he pays me money each week but I have to keep asking for it he never just gives it to me and when I ask he says stop going on you will get it when I decide and the more you ask the less chance you have of getting it , he plays this game every week and I always get two/three days late but I have to stand there with a begging bowl first. We've got some savings together not much but money we both earn off side jobs we do outside work and he suggested the other day that we take it out and put it at his sisters for safe keeping I kicked up a huge fuss about it and said no I've earned that money too it's not leaving my sight and that we should split it then but he wouldn't have it and when I suggested it we keep it at my moms then he said I'm not to be trusted with money. I'm like a child to him. He refused to talk to me all day yday because I took my brother to the train station and told me I'm not a taxi service so why am I giving people lifts I just walked out and took him anyway and he gave me the silent treatment all day when I got home. Can't believe one person can act like this ??
  8. I know I've done it three times before but last time was different he knocked me down so so low and for once I felt loved and wanted by my friends and family and was seeing and talking to everyone I had lost contact with I felt like me. This time I feel like I can't make him leave again because everyone supported me last time and I've let them down I feel like I have to stick it out now . Everything that goes wrong he blames me he even accuses me of stealing money off him and I have never stole anything in my life . He says money is missing from his wallet etc and stares at me and tells me to own up to something I didn't do. He calls me stupid everyday I'm not stupid I'm well educated compared to him. I'm dead inside now it's how I feel I hate myself for letting him back .
  9. Me and him split up in March again after he walked out again. This time I was glad he left I ignored him I started going out and having a life hat lasted a month. I went on a date with someone I knew it was the best wkend I have ever had in my life he treated me so nice it made me question the last three years I had put up with. But my ex he wasn't going to let me go so easily I told him i had gone on a date with someone it didn't deter him he started turning up at my house making big declarations of love for me saying he couldn't live without me etc it was all the things I always wanted to hear as he was always so cold towards me. He got back in took me on holiday treated me so good how I always wanted it lasted a month . I Could kick myself I had been so strong but he cried and begged and I let him back. I thought I could change things but it's worse for me now I have to take photos of my where abouts when I'm not with him if he rings and I don't answer he accuses me of cheating he checks my call log and I'm not really allowed to use my phone infront of him. He's got in with my mom and dad and they now love him when they used to hate him we went out and he was all nice infront of them and then got me outside and was shouting at me saying I was showing him up I don't know what I did wrong I had to go back in the pub and pretend nothing had happened even tho he had been shouting donw my ear five minutes earlier . He's a good actor I give him that but now I'm backed trapped he moved in so now I'm really trapped . He threatens to leave me because of my 'ways' on a regular basis he locked me out of my bedroom so I slept on the sofa I don't know what I did that night either , I thought he would change they don't change anyone reading this hand on heart they offer you the world mine proposed he's backtracked again on that and said let's wait he didn't want me because he loves me he lost his emotional punchbag . We even watched a programme on abuse and he said how mental the man was in it can't he see he is that man I watched the whole thing in silence I felt like the woman in the programmed murdered by my boyfriend it's called. That's my life except he doesn't hit me looks like he comes close but he doesn't but the mental side he's the exact same. I wish I hadn't gone back what would my life be now four months on any woman reading this don't go back to them .
  10. Thankyou everyone no I've had him back in more trapped than I have ever been as I feel I can't end it again. I feel so stupid I met someone who was so respectful and caring to me he made me see sense in some way. My partner has already called me today said I don't seem as loving anymore can k go back to how I was before just leave me be for gods sake :-(
  11. Maybe he just changed tactics because aggression stopped working and silent treatment stopped working
  12. I said I'm out next month for my friends bday and he's like go I don't mind because I'm Here and I know what time your home etc and keeps making me swear on the children's lives that I won't cheat on him. I can't get pregnant as I have the coil but he's asking me when we can try and keeps bringing it up daily but then says no pressure whenever your ready. Doesn't feel that way
  13. I have been on here before it was very hard to get away from my abusive partner. He walked out on me again two months ago after weeks of verbal and emotional abuse I always had him back in the past he even had me begging him to come back during those times. This time however I was so relieved he had gone I was able to do what I wanted and see my friends he kept trying to contact me with his usual tactics of blaming me but I knew it was all him. I even met someone else during this time who treated me so nice compared to my ex he actually treated me with respect. When my ex contacted me I told him i had met someone now but obvs he couldn't let that happen. He drove by the house asking who's car was outside and text and called me all the time. In the end he asked me to meet up with him crying and holding onto me telling me how much he had changed he done this twice and the second time I felt my resolve weaken. I have let him come back I lost the new man I was seeing and a lot of my family too are not talking to me. Now he is back he's said he realizes what he's like in the past and will change he's bought me a car booked me a holiday and other nice treats that he would not ever usually do even in the past. I can feel him watching me though watches me every move even when I go in the bath he comes in a few times or sits upstairs while I'm in there. He said he's never going to shout at me again and he realised what he has now. He never wanted to marry me before now he's saying he wants me to be his wife and get married he's put me all over his Facebook so everyone can see we are together again. He's messaged my mom saying how much he loves me and is changing and knows how he was in the past. He cries a lot about things and constantly asks me if I still love him. In my mind I want to believe he has changed but I feel once again that I can not breath he said I can go out with friends and do what I want and have a life but deep down I know he doesn't mean this. He keeps talking about a baby together and asking when we can start trying but I already have children and don't want anymore my youngest of four years old in a few months and I'm done with baby's he never mentioned it much before but now he wants me to get pregnant as soon as possible. He's been back a week and hasn't stepped out of line apart from asking constant reassurance and texting me most of the day saying he misses me etc. He also is asking for sex a lot more this he used to do he wants it all the time it i say I'm tired he kind of moans or goes in a sulk. I wanna believe him but I feel so trapped once again I was so happy this time and changed when he left I felt like me again after all these years and all of that is gone now and it's my own fault. I'm just venting and asking has he really changed
  14. Well he came here last night he asked for sex too which I said no too. I asked him shall we get back together he said I dont know what I want . I know he isnt all that he treated me badly but I still miss him its like Im grieving everyday is a struggle . I might go and see a doctor I cant sleep and when I do I wake up in the night all the time having nightmares about him ;'( Why am I so weak he was abusive now hes gone I should be glad but Im not I feel lost.
  15. Thankyou Hes coming here tonight as he left something which is to heavy for me to move and put into the car. I want to see him so bad but also am dreading it too. I know he does not want me when we have split before he always tries to get me back or texts me and stuff he hasn't this time. It does hurt its like a death to me :-(