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hoping

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Everything posted by hoping

  1. I have been reading books, listening to videos and reading replies and what some of the people post on here. I have been trying to understand my husband more so I know what I am dealing with and to make decisions for myself. The best conclusion I have come up with is that he is abusive, knows what he is doing most of the time, but doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way he thinks or behaves. We see things differently and his actions still hurt me and others. It is who he is.
  2. Do you know how to delete your history on your computer? This is a big help. Hugs Confused714 said, "I just can't believe things are like this." I understand what you are saying. I felt the same way when I started to see more of my husbands abuse. I felt shocked which felt like being in an unrealistic state.
  3. Quaddie Thank you
  4. I noticed lately that I started to do a habit I had previously done. I use to move things if I thought they would aggravate my husband. I use to think that if I limited his frustration to things he would not get so angry. Now I know this isn't the problem. All of us have frustrations, but that doesn't mean we have to blow up. I think his blowing up has to do with his thinking, whether entitlement or his buried emotions that are triggered that he has not dealt with. My husband has been spending more time with my granddaughter than me due to the activities they enjoy. I am happy to see that she seems to like him more but then I wonder if this is good for her. I am afraid she will get trauma bonded to him. If she is upset with him she will tell me about it. The other day she said he was playing too ruff with her. He told me later that he apologized and was going to console her but she said no, he couldn't do it and so she came and talked to me about it, after that she decided to go back and play with him. She was mad at him for being ruff and she didn't want him to be the one to make her feel better. I am glad that she sees this. I use to worry about my daughters and his actions, now I worry about my granddaughter.
  5. clurichaun You said, "The truth is I wish he would hit me." I hope you don't think he has to hit you before you have a right to leave him. When he gets in your face and screams at you this is being abusive and him standing in your way and blocking you from passing by him is also abusive. You said it would hurt less if he hit you than the fights that you have together. This shows to me that you are miserable with him and if he is saying things to hurt you that is abuse too. You said, " I'm more afraid that he'll do something worse." What is that something worse?
  6. clurichaun My husband has never hit me but for years I was really afraid of him. He started taking a stance that was rigid, would look at me and say whatever he thought or wanted and with an angry tone. I knew he had slapped a former girlfriend years ago, he had hit my oldest daughter on the head with his partly closed fist, he shoved our youngest as she was sitting on the couch, back into the couch. After his dog bit him in the face, he took an axe handle and hit the dog. Is it possible that you could be afraid that he will also hit you if you don't do what he ask? I am still physically afraid if I were to push my husband to far that he might hit me. There are times I back down on arguing if I think he is too angry. Of course, I don't like the emotional and verbal abuse either but the fear of him hitting me on top of that makes it worse. I am still with mine too. Lots of hugs
  7. chelsie Welcome to our place.
  8. clurichaun I don't sleep in the same bed with my husband anymore. I have physical reasons so he doesn't get angry at me and I think he sleeps better too. If he tries to talk to me and I don't want to, I pretend I am asleep. If he talks louder or touches me, I will pretend to wake up. We use to argue over me using two towels when he didn't think it was necessary but he isn't the type to think I will have someone over. I still allow my husband to wake me or think he woke me to have sex. If I am extremely set against it at that time, I tell him no and why and that I'm not going to do it. He has learned when I really mean it. He will leave me alone until later. I am so glad I don't sleep with him, I never knew when the mood would hit him and he would expect sex. My husband was jealous of a male friend of ours because we use to sit and talk when he came over to visit us. My husband once told me in front of him that my boyfriend was here, meaning that guy. It put me on the spot, and I wasn't sure what to say. I think I finally said hi to him. He came over one day to visit my husband and he wasn't home so I left the front door open in the winter, so my husband wouldn't think anything was going on. I enjoyed talking to him but wasn't trying to have an affair. When I go out to eat sometimes, he will ask me if I am going to meet my boyfriend. Sometimes I say yes as a joke and other times, I just give him the look, like you have got to be kidding me. Sometimes, I say come with me or follow me if you don't believe me. He has showed up before when I was out with a friend that was a woman. I don't know if he was checking up on me or wanted attention. When I first started going out with my friend without him, I would tell him how much she thought of him, so he would like me going instead of discouraging me from going. He loved it when I told him I complained to her and she said she thought I had a good husband. He would ask when we went out if we talked about him. She now realizes he is not what she thought.
  9. Tendrils I am so sorry to hear that. It wasn't your fault. Hugs
  10. I also have had trouble with severe depression and this is a big part of why I get disability. I understand the feeling of depression. I started doing better after I was put on the right medication. I sometimes have felt down and depressed, but not suicidal in a long time. I would suggest get your medication and I hope that will help. I would also be planning on leaving but you don't have to do it all at once. Just start thinking in your head about what you will do and where you will go. Think about how you want your life to be when away from him. I have been watching Sam Vadkin on you tube, this has been helping me to understand abusers more. Don't give up it can get better. Hugs I think Bennu and Quaddie have a good idea about leaving even if it is your home. If you still have to pay the mortgage payment that is better than having to support him and his kids. You are not responsible for him or his children. I know you care for him and them but this is hurting you and you are as important as them. If you are feeling bad about leaving him and the kids without support, I would suggest that you find phone numbers of places you can leave him to go get help. This may help you to feel better especially about leaving the kids. Maybe you could go to a shelter if you don't have anywhere else to go or maybe your family or friends could help you, even if they don't live close.
  11. Bennu Really, that was good you found out. I need to see what options I will have. Thanks
  12. My husband wanted me to be intimate with him and I said no, but gave in so he would shut up and life would go back to what it was. Afterwards I was angry at myself because I don't want to be intimate with him and I started being depressed and having a bad attitude about life. I got up after sleeping as much as I wanted, then he came home from work and wanted to talk about work. Here lately, I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his job, he goes on and on for about an hour and I am trying to have my own life and I recent him for talking so much about his job while I am unhappy about our relationship and life. He was really getting on my nerves so I told him I was going to bed. I am getting to where with him and other people, I am tired of putting up with things that really bother me. If I divorce him and we split everything, It will only last so long and then I will have to get financial help since I am on disability and don't get much money. I am afraid if I do divorce and change my mind, because of the money or life isn't as good as I thought without him, then I won't have any savings and he won't either. I have thought about making an agreement with him and a lawyer that he could keep everything except my car, and some cash, as long as he lets me have everything if he dies first. I feel bad about this because I don't want to take advantage of the government or other people that might help me because I let him keep most of our assets. I worry about my granddaughter too, she has always known this home and I worry it would bother her to at least not to see her grandfather in the same place. Advice appreciated.
  13. Bennu We have separate checking accounts at separate banks, but they still might be able to give me some advise. Thank You for you advise.
  14. Good for you!!!
  15. JamesF I know this is a lot to take in. There is also a book called, "Daily wisdom for why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I downloaded that one on kindle and I am glad I did. I would strongly suggest this book after you read , "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
  16. Quaddie Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate the time you have taken to give me your advise. You seem to understand how I am feeling about sex and feeling stuck. Thank you for the advise about seeing a lawyer too.
  17. JamesF HI and welcome. No, you are not a bad person for wanting to end your relationship.
  18. Bennu We have been together so long, I don't know for sure. Thank You for your guess.
  19. I wanted to write this while it is fresh in my memory. Yesterday I ask my husband if he had his water, wallet and phone with him before he left to go somewhere. He had forgot some things, and I said what would you do without me, he answered with, " I would hate to find out. I hope I don't have to." I know he was serious. Today he was sick and I told him he should go to bed or sleep if he felt like it because I thought he was thinking he had to be strong and not get the rest he needed to get well. I know it's not a good idea to tell anyone what to do, but I was doing it to help him. I thought if I gave him permission, which he doesn't need, but I thought it would help him. Anyway, he got mad at me and told me to not tell him what to do. It seems so easy for him to tell me when I am over stepping his boundaries and to get angry with me. He has told me in the past how I felt and done other abusive things like scare me when I didn't agree with him and nag and beg me to do things I didn't want to do. He is doing better but when he told me with anger to quit telling him what to do, when I was meaning well, it really hurt. Since he is sick, am I over reacting to him? I do feel sorry for him that he is sick but after him telling me yesterday how much he cared for me, then today being so quick to get angry at me it hurts even more. He seems difficult to figure out because of this. at least for me. How can he be so hateful if he loves me so much? I sometimes sleep a lot, at this time about 10 or 11 hours. He wanted me to get out of bed because he was lonely and wanted me to spend time with him and after this, even though I was already tired and thought about going back to bed, felt depressed and thought again about going to bed. If anyone is wondering why I can sleep so much at times, I think it is a combination of the medication I take and not wanting to get up due to being depressed or feeling there is nothing I want to do more than sleep. Please tell me the truth of what you think.
  20. blueske I wonder sometimes how much of my depression has to do with him. There are times when I don't want to be around him and do go to bed early. My husband loves attention.
  21. Thank you Fluffyflea, J917 and Quaddie.
  22. Melonie Thank you for saying I wasn't too sensitive. Yes, he should have apologized. I think him wanting me to get up was just for him.
  23. Fluffyflea I'm not seeing that but it is possible that it exits in my relationship. He seems to think I'm being bad to him or he gets angry at me because he thinks I should do what he wants.
  24. Quaddie I was referring to him saying he didn't know what he would do without me and today him wanting me to keep him company. I was thinking he loved me because he said those things. I was wondering how he could be so angry at me after acting like he loved me. I do now see that him wanting me to get up because he was lonely, doesn't mean he loves me. It can be confusing because I would think if someone wanted to spend time with me that would mean that they like or love me. If they say they don't want to do without me, I guess that could be love or that they don't want to be alone. I have a difficult time knowing what is love sometimes. I have seen this in another relationship but it is difficult to see in mine.
  25. Quaddie Thank you