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hoping

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Everything posted by hoping

  1. MorningGlory I can understand what you are saying.
  2. He has been trying real hard to treat me good. I think I can see him stop before he says something criticizing. He is being nice when he explains how he feels. He still is joking a lot about different things, I have told him that it bothers me, it just gets on my nerves, he tries to make too many things funny. I'm not the only one that gets tired of it, so does my granddaughter. I also think he likes to say things to SHOCK me and to get my attention. Last time it was about our sick dog, this time it was about our cat. Our cat likes to hide in the pile of small limbs that have fallen off of a tree that my husband stacked up. My husband said he was going to burn the limbs the next day, I told him jokingly that our cat wouldn't like that because he liked to hide in them. He said that he would just burn it with the cat in it. I told him he didn't mean that. I know he would never do something like that, but it makes me angry for him to say things like that. I don't think it is funny. Thank goodness our granddaughter didn't hear him say that. I don't even know how he can say something like that. The other day he ask our granddaughter if her mom helped her dad with the yard work. She said yes. He then ask her why I don't. She thought and then told him a good reason for her age. I don't know if he was trying to see what she would say, because she says cute stuff or he was trying to make a jab at me by asking her in front of me. My friend said she thought he was trying to get her on his side. I know he has been abusive and is an abuser, so why is it so difficult for me to remember the bad times? One thing I have noticed about myself is that after he started treating me better, It seems easier for me to do the dishes and some of the other chores. So, I know he must have been affecting me more than I realize.
  3. 6245 What is a port ploy? I haven't heard of that before.
  4. clurichaun I have thought of that and for now I can deal with him. I don't know about a month from now.
  5. I started blocking out what my husband would say if I thought it was going to bother me too much. It would be something I thought was going to be abusive. After joining this site and reading books I have been telling myself to quit doing that and listen to him. I still remind myself, because there are times I find myself doing it again. It was pretty obvious in some of his words and actions that he was being abusive but now that I know more and am listening to him more, I am hearing things that are hard to believe that he is saying, I even question myself, did he say that or did I misunderstand him? When I know or try to trust I heard him right, I feel afraid. Why? because he is saying things that are so different from what I believe and it scares me to see a person I lived with for so long that seems like a different person than I thought he was. I don't think or talk like him so I'm not sure if he is a lot of talk and doesn't take things serious or if he might be more abusive than I thought. I tend to think of the worst scenario's sometimes, so maybe that is all it is. He seems to be more hardened and not as soft hearted as me and maybe that is part of it. I know that some of his hardness could be from being a male and how most are brought up. Well, anyway, when I think he is acting crazy, I have started feeling crazy. It use to really bother me a lot more and I would feel like things were unreal, similar to when I would be in an accident or when someone I cared a lot about would die. Now, I know I am not crazy, it's just my reaction to him. It's not just him saying things that made me wonder if he is crazy that has made me feel crazy, but also the fear, disbelief, and shock of what he said.
  6. bluesky Thank you for your advise. Your right, I need to say what I want and as you said how he reacts will tell a lot. Thank you
  7. Started learning a song, it is about a man not bringing flowers to a woman anymore or singing her love songs. I think at first, it was a song that I could relate to, then I decided somewhere that it would be a good song for my husband and I to sing. I didn't ask him to sing it with me, but was hoping he would. I then decided to sing it around him as a hint or manipulation that I wanted him to buy me flowers and sing me love songs. After all why would he think anything, since he doesn't seem to get what I say or want. Yeah right, What was I thinking? I was serious at the time until it didn't work as I had planned. He started singing the song with me, but he changed the words and told me he suggested another song for me to learn, since that one was sad and they were ending their relationship. He said that my granddaughter brings me flowers and that this song was making him feel guilty about not bringing me flowers. He ask me in a round about way why I was singing this song, did it have a significance to me, but he said it in a defensive, angry way, so I was afraid to say yes. So, I ask him if he meant ever song he sang. To me, he seemed as if he was saying, how dare I ask him for flowers and love songs after all he does for me. When he got angry, I realized It wasn't going to work and the reason is the same one that we have with our marriage, and that is, he is abusive and he thinks differently than me. I was hoping he would get it and say do you want me to buy you flowers and sing you love songs? I would say yes and he would do it. I somehow thought magically that if he sang this song with me, and got what I was telling him and bought me flowers and sang me love songs he would be a different person. As they say, I was putting the cart before the horse. I thought by changing a part of him, I could change the whole person. I couldn't change that part of him because it comes from his core. What I mean is that the way I wanted him to reply and treat me is either not the way he thinks about things or he doesn't want to be like that.
  8. Quaddie Yes, you expressed how I feel very well. I had given up on wanting flowers from him, and because he was being nicer, somehow thought he was different. I want flowers or whatever someone buys or gives me from the heart too. He did send me a picture of flowers on facebook. I ask him why he sent them and he said he didn't have money to spend on them, so he sent them on facebook. I hope he meant well, but I don't know.
  9. clurichaun I'm sorry to here all the guilt he puts on you.
  10. clurichaun Yes, you are right. Two ends of the spectrum. I told him in the past that I didn't want flowers, if he was giving them to make up for something. After I started hating the way he was treating me on a regular basis, not just the few times he was really bad, I told him I didn't want flowers at all. I didn't tell him it was because I realized flowers wouldn't mean anything since he continued to be abusive to me. I'm not sure at that time I knew it was abuse, I just knew I didn't like the way he treated me. So, anyway he started treating me better, and for some reason, I thought now the flowers and love songs would make a difference. Later, I realized that I had relapsed in my thinking and that I somehow thought it would make a difference. I must have thought he had changed a lot and that he was now different.
  11. clurichaun There are quite a few times when my husband is working that I enjoy being alone. If he is being reasonable I enjoy having someone to do things with. The other day after he said something, I didn't want to be around him for at least a day. I stayed away from him part of the day, because I wanted to rest and didn't want to here him talk even about his job or other things. Some days I feel like I would do fine being alone and I wouldn't get that lonely, but other days I worry about it. Another reason I haven't left, is because he is being somewhat nicer. I am doing more of what I want to do, without his interference. I go out with one of my female friends usually once or more a week, he has given me a certain amount of money, I ask for and he is trying to be kinder when he talks to me and answer some questions I ask. If he were as abusive as he was, it would be easier for me to leave. One of the main things he quit doing is scaring me when he didn't like what I did or said. He would get real angry and take an angry stance that really scared me. He has quit doing this.
  12. clurichaun Thank you so much for your encouragement.
  13. My husband has been trying to be nicer to me and I told him he has not been doing well enough. He said he will do better. He said he can change himself, that he has done it with other things. He said the reason he treated me so mean, is because I was hiding things from him and he didn't trust me. I told him that I had obsessive compulsive disorder and was hiding that and panic attacks later from him. I told him it wasn't that I was hiding something bad I was doing. I felt from right after we got married he started treating me in ways I didn't like. He would tell things about me to friends that I didn't want them to know, it embarrassed me. He said the reason he did is because he couldn't believe I didn't know these things. I thought that your husband was suppose to have your back and not tell things that made you look bad and instead tell the good about you. I still think this is the best way to be unless he is just talking to his friend by himself and not making fun of me. Anyway, he would also say verbally abusive things about me to others because he said he thought I was lazy. I told him I was not lazy, that I was having emotional and mental problems. I told him that I was still having a difficult time dealing with the divorce I got shortly before we married, I started having problems with the obsessive compulsive disorder after we married and I didn't tell him at this time, but I thought it was best for my daughter to work only part time. We later had a child who was disabled and spent months in intensive care, so I quit working to see her during the day and go home in the evening to be with my other child. Our disabled daughter passed away and two years later had another child. When our youngest was three our older daughter started running away from home because she said that my husband wasn't treating her right. She caused us a lot of trouble and my husband was afraid for her to come home and continue to live with us, so I ask my sister if she could live with her, she said yes. I reminded him of these things, and told him I started having panic attacks and was getting more emotionally unstable so that is why I wanted to move back to where we were from. We did and I worked part time while having panic attacks and feeling like I was going to pass out sometimes while driving. I quit 3 months after I started the full time job and went back to working part time, while still having panic attacks and feeling like I could pass out at times while driving. While working that job, my boss touches me sexually one evening while working alone with him. I quit working there and took some time off. Later I went back to work part time. I am telling this in hopes of others seeing if I was part of the reason he treated me as he did. I don't think he should have treated me emotionally and verbally abusive regardless, even if he did think I was lazy. I did other things that I know were not the way I should have dealt with things but at that time this is what I thought I should do. My husband started working away from home a lot and I couldn't deal with my problems, the abuse, so I started looking for a way out which was an affair. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. Another thing I did was spend money that we couldn't afford for me to. It was the way I dealt with my life and it wasn't a good way. I thought of something later after I posted this. I believe he has been emotionally and verbally abusive to our young granddaughter, she isn't me and didn't do the things I did, so why was he abusive to her? Of course, he probably doesn't think he was abusive, just upset and grouchy to her. I know he was more than a little upset. I would call it abusive. Why is it so easy to believe what he says? I filled out papers for a low income place to live and I got a response that I am on a waiting list. Even though he is being a lot nicer, I'm still leaving my options open.
  14. 6245 I agree with Quaddie about being wary of tipping him off to your awareness to his red flags.
  15. curiouser By what you said he does sound abusive. Don't let them guilt you to work on the marriage. If he is an abuser, then he doesn't have a very good chance of changing. In one of the books I read, I think it was only one percent. Have you read the book, "Why Does He Do That?" If, not this is a good book to read. My advice is stay apart and take your time to educate yourself about abuse. Welcome to our site. There is so much that I could say, but I think if you read the above book, it will tell you a lot. You sound like a insightful and caring person, and I admire your strength and courage to do what you feel is best for you and your children.
  16. 6245 Yes, this is a MAJOR red flag. Wow, even after working with DV survivors, he is not even sympathetic! I would end it with him immediately. Oh yes, I bet he does, even after your husband was abusive to you. I'm sure an abuser would value that. You being attractive because you left could be a lie or it could be that he is looking for a victim and he thinks you would make a good challenge. Run...Run...Run.... Also, I think Quaddie has some really good advise about not letting him hoover you.
  17. Quaddie Thank you again for commenting. I think it would have been easier for me to leave if my sister and one of my friends were supportive and happy that I was going to try to make it on my own and to try to have a better life. I wish they would have, but like you said, it is my decision. The thing about my past marriage is that if my sister in laws encouraged me to leave, and they were right. It was so good to have them on my side. They validated what I already knew, but was still difficult to do. I don't blame my sister or friend, because I understand where they are coming from, but I feel pretty lonely In pursuing it.
  18. clurichaun Yes, It sill surprises me how good he can act when he thinks I am going to leave and like you said for their best interest. Yes, too bad they don't think being nice is important enough anyway. I may have read it, but I don't remember, what kind of guilt does he use against you?
  19. Quaddie I'm glad you reminded me that the important thing is how he affects me. Yes, you are right most of us have our own agendas when dealing with others. I think part of their worry is that they are having or had a difficult time financially and see me having the same problem. I think also, they are afraid I will get more depressed or pick another abusive person. Yes, it is possible they were also conditioned to think that I can't make it financially. Thank you for the suggested book. I will get it. Hugs....
  20. Blurryface Welcome and so sorry for your situation. Lots of hugs..... When I was a teenager, my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive and my mother was mentally ill. I didn't feel safe to talk to either one about myself or my problems. I had some friends, but they didn't make up for the parenting I wanted or needed. I remember thinking about an older man and how it would have been so easy for me to end up in a sexual relationship with him. I think some of this was due to the fact that I wanted an older person to trust and feel secure around. I am thankful that I wasn't able to have a relationship with him. These men are older and more mature and know so much more about life then teenagers do. This is why it is not fair for the teenager, they can use their knowledge to manipulate, seduce, and control. This man is the adult and knew what he was doing and it wasn't good or fair for you. These people are good at showing their good side, so they can fool us and others too. I am sad to hear how the others have blamed you. It is not your fault. I hope someday they will learn and understand about people like your teacher and that they are at fault. I am so glad their wasn't internet or cell phones when I was young. I am afraid I would have made even more bad decisions. Please don't let this situation make you feel less about yourself. I hope someday you will be able to look back and say," I was just a normal teenager, it wasn't me, it was him."
  21. Blueskye Thank you for your advise. It helps me to hear about others lives. My dad was emotionally and verbally abusive and I think it was easier for me to be angry at him and to have the hopes of marrying someone non abusive when I was young. I have been around and heard of so many abusive and dysfunctional males that it seems to me that there are very few non abusive and functional men out there in the world. Maybe, some of what I am seeing from my husband is not abusive, just him being a typical male. I wonder am I seeing him correctly or seeing abuse where there is not any, I'm not saying all of the time, because I do believe he is abusive, but maybe not as much as I think. I'm not perfect either and worry that since I am afraid to talk about some of my faults, that maybe I am too one sided. I had a chance to move, but decided not too. When I felt like I needed to make the final decision, I still felt very sad and in love with my husband, despite how he has treated me. I also, didn't want to move to the place I had put in an application at. The town is more secluded and I like being closer to a busier town. I started thinking about how long we had been together, all the things we worked to have, our child, and grandchild being close and how everything would change. We don't have a lot and I am afraid of dividing it and both of us being poor. I hope that my brothers are not abusive to there wives, but I don't know that for sure. I haven't talked to them or their wives and am kind of afraid to do so, one reason is, I don't want them to think that I am prying into there life and the other is that I'm not sure if they want to hear about mine, or if they did, how they would react. I think another reason that this husband I am with doesn't seem so bad at times is that my previous husband was so much more abusive than this one. Sometimes, when I think back, I think, wow, this one is mild compared to him.
  22. lizzibethak I have talked to one of my sisters about him and his emotional and verbal abuse. She has been in three or four abusive relationships and seems to have a good boyfriend now, but an emotionally and verbally son that lives with them from her previous abusive husband. She worries about me leaving because of my depression, afraid I will get lonely, and worries about me having enough money. She thinks if I was being physically abused and was afraid for my life then I should leave. I only told my other sister part of how he treated me. She also had two abusive relationships. One of my girlfriends has had abusive relationships too, she at this time doesn't want to try to have anymore, do to being concerned she will chose another abusive or dysfunctional male. She knows about my relationship and understands why I would want to leave and why I would want to stay. Another friend of mine is probably in an abusive relationship now after being in one for years to her husband, who she is divorced from. She listens to me and I listen to her. I know she has chosen to stay with him, so I try to respect her decision. Another friend was in an abusive relationship and is single now, she doesn't know my whole story, but told me it can be really difficult to be on your own, especially if I don't have a lot of money. I can't think of anyone that I am really close to other than these people that I can ask for opinions about my situation.
  23. Bennu I didn't think of it like that, but your right.
  24. Quaddie Yes, it should be discussed and agreed as partners. At this time my daughter and her husband are working a lot and have a lot of bills. We have more in the IRA that we can use until he makes more money. He doesn't want to do that and gets so upset about it. I don't think it is going to be that big of a problem for him to get more work, he is self employed. I still hate it that he acts like that. Thank you again
  25. Between taking money out of his IRA to help our daughter to buy a home and my husband making more this year, we had to pay in more on income tax. We put the income tax on a credit card, which he told me he wants to get paid off soon. I understand how he feels, but I don't like it when he gets so strict with the money. He gives me a certain amount a week, which is a fair amount, and he also pays for the groceries that we eat at home. He was giving me a little extra, but for now that will stop. He has acted like this before when we would spend money and he didn't think we had a lot, then after we did, he would say, " We are going to have to quit spending money now." He wouldn't warn me that if we do this then I will tighten the reins on the money. This is similar to what he did after we paid the taxes. He said we are not saving anything and only spending money. He told me last night that he wants my help also to get the credit card paid soon. I was afraid to ask what that meant, so I just said ok. I am hoping he doesn't mean that he wants to take some of the money away he gives me every week. I am also, concerned that he will start asking what I am going to buy at the grocery store and how much that will cost, and then tell me if we need this or that or if we can afford it, or remind me that we don't have a lot of money. I spent 15.oo at the store the other night and he did give that back to me, but I don't know if he will keep doing it. I would have to ask him or do it and hope he will. I have mixed emotions about him controlling the money so tightly. I know I need to learn to be more conservative, especially if I am going to live by myself, but I don't like having to get approval through him. Do you think this is abusive or just normal for a married couple that has a different outlook on spending money? Also, I think if he wasn't abusive, I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable talking to him about money.