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Everything posted by hoping

  1. I started blocking out what my husband would say if I thought it was going to bother me too much. It would be something I thought was going to be abusive. After joining this site and reading books I have been telling myself to quit doing that and listen to him. I still remind myself, because there are times I find myself doing it again. It was pretty obvious in some of his words and actions that he was being abusive but now that I know more and am listening to him more, I am hearing things that are hard to believe that he is saying, I even question myself, did he say that or did I misunderstand him? When I know or try to trust I heard him right, I feel afraid. Why? because he is saying things that are so different from what I believe and it scares me to see a person I lived with for so long that seems like a different person than I thought he was. I don't think or talk like him so I'm not sure if he is a lot of talk and doesn't take things serious or if he might be more abusive than I thought. I tend to think of the worst scenario's sometimes, so maybe that is all it is. He seems to be more hardened and not as soft hearted as me and maybe that is part of it. I know that some of his hardness could be from being a male and how most are brought up. Well, anyway, when I think he is acting crazy, I have started feeling crazy. It use to really bother me a lot more and I would feel like things were unreal, similar to when I would be in an accident or when someone I cared a lot about would die. Now, I know I am not crazy, it's just my reaction to him. It's not just him saying things that made me wonder if he is crazy that has made me feel crazy, but also the fear, disbelief, and shock of what he said.
  2. Bennu I didn't think of it like that, but your right.
  3. He has been trying real hard to treat me good. I think I can see him stop before he says something criticizing. He is being nice when he explains how he feels. He still is joking a lot about different things, I have told him that it bothers me, it just gets on my nerves, he tries to make too many things funny. I'm not the only one that gets tired of it, so does my granddaughter. I also think he likes to say things to SHOCK me and to get my attention. Last time it was about our sick dog, this time it was about our cat. Our cat likes to hide in the pile of small limbs that have fallen off of a tree that my husband stacked up. My husband said he was going to burn the limbs the next day, I told him jokingly that our cat wouldn't like that because he liked to hide in them. He said that he would just burn it with the cat in it. I told him he didn't mean that. I know he would never do something like that, but it makes me angry for him to say things like that. I don't think it is funny. Thank goodness our granddaughter didn't hear him say that. I don't even know how he can say something like that. The other day he ask our granddaughter if her mom helped her dad with the yard work. She said yes. He then ask her why I don't. She thought and then told him a good reason for her age. I don't know if he was trying to see what she would say, because she says cute stuff or he was trying to make a jab at me by asking her in front of me. My friend said she thought he was trying to get her on his side. I know he has been abusive and is an abuser, so why is it so difficult for me to remember the bad times? One thing I have noticed about myself is that after he started treating me better, It seems easier for me to do the dishes and some of the other chores. So, I know he must have been affecting me more than I realize.
  4. Quaddie Yes, it should be discussed and agreed as partners. At this time my daughter and her husband are working a lot and have a lot of bills. We have more in the IRA that we can use until he makes more money. He doesn't want to do that and gets so upset about it. I don't think it is going to be that big of a problem for him to get more work, he is self employed. I still hate it that he acts like that. Thank you again
  5. Between taking money out of his IRA to help our daughter to buy a home and my husband making more this year, we had to pay in more on income tax. We put the income tax on a credit card, which he told me he wants to get paid off soon. I understand how he feels, but I don't like it when he gets so strict with the money. He gives me a certain amount a week, which is a fair amount, and he also pays for the groceries that we eat at home. He was giving me a little extra, but for now that will stop. He has acted like this before when we would spend money and he didn't think we had a lot, then after we did, he would say, " We are going to have to quit spending money now." He wouldn't warn me that if we do this then I will tighten the reins on the money. This is similar to what he did after we paid the taxes. He said we are not saving anything and only spending money. He told me last night that he wants my help also to get the credit card paid soon. I was afraid to ask what that meant, so I just said ok. I am hoping he doesn't mean that he wants to take some of the money away he gives me every week. I am also, concerned that he will start asking what I am going to buy at the grocery store and how much that will cost, and then tell me if we need this or that or if we can afford it, or remind me that we don't have a lot of money. I spent 15.oo at the store the other night and he did give that back to me, but I don't know if he will keep doing it. I would have to ask him or do it and hope he will. I have mixed emotions about him controlling the money so tightly. I know I need to learn to be more conservative, especially if I am going to live by myself, but I don't like having to get approval through him. Do you think this is abusive or just normal for a married couple that has a different outlook on spending money? Also, I think if he wasn't abusive, I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable talking to him about money.
  6. vickeee Yes, it does make sense. Thank you for replying and letting me know what you perceived.
  7. whitebutterfly You are right, it's not fair to me that he treats me abusive regardless of what he says his reasons are. This makes sense, it should be bothering him more than it is. I think the reason he said this is because he knows I'm tired of his abuse and he is afraid I will leave. I need to keep telling myself, he believes it's ok to be abusive to me. Thanks again
  8. Quaddie You are right, he should repair things that bother me even when he doesn't think it's necessary. I guess I feel more gratitude because I'm not use to him doing some of these things without me pushing him to do them. Thank you for the right perspective.
  9. whitebutterfly Thank you for telling me he hasn't changed. It's so easy to think they have or at least some. Today he talked to me in an angry tone, then he said I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. This would have been nice to know all of these years, but he still shouldn't talk to me in an angry tone when I didn't do anything. It is still painful, even when he is not angry at me because I feel like he is still taking it out on me. Thank you so much for asking this question and for saying that I am an equal, loving human being.
  10. whitebutterfly11 Thank you for letting me know abusers use the shock method. I was also wondering about why he said that to my granddaughter, thank you for verifying that. Yes, that is why it didn't bother me so much and because I wasn't for sure if it was abuse. Thank you for validating that he is still abusing me. It is so easy sometimes for me to give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe it's something else. whitebutterfly said, " He's still abusing you, so he doesn't deserve to be associated with any type of improvement." I'm glad you said this because he hasn't been complaining as much when he gives me extra money and he also repaired the grill on the dishwasher and the refrigerator. I was feeling somewhat guilty about not giving him enough credit and still thinking about leaving.
  11. 6245 Wow, that's not funny even if you don't like the person. It amazes me what our husbands or exes will say.
  12. MorningGlory Thank you for replying. Yes, he seems to care more about being funny than our feelings. He works in the entertainment business. He has been so driven to get rich and famous or one or the other that he puts himself first. He was entertaining a lot until I ask him to quit traveling and preforming because it was too difficult for me. I was having panic attacks and having a terrible time coping with him gone so much. He has blamed me for years and resented me for asking him to quit. He likes to make up new jokes and tells them to me to see how I like them. I don't ask him to do this, he just does it, and I think he also uses his jokes to communicate instead of being vulnerable and saying what he means. It's difficult for me to believe at times he is as big of a jerk that he has been. I followed him around off and on for years, until I decided I was tired of living his dream. Maybe I am in denial. I wish I knew for sure. Yes, I worry about breaking up our family, but I'm not sure that would be a bad thing. I also worry about supporting myself and making the wrong decision. If I don't leave though I will never know how my life without him could turn out. Big decisions to make....
  13. starshine That's great! I'm glad you had fun.
  14. whitebutterfly I am so sorry. I am sending you hugs.
  15. whitbutterfly This sounds so much like what my husband told me. They were both disappointed with us after we married them. I read in an article or in a book that abusers put us on a pedestal and then when they have us, we fall from their grace. It sounds like that is what happened to both of us. It is normal for both husband and wife to realize that we are not everything we had hoped for after the infatuation wears off, but what wasn't normal or right is for them to start abusing us. Like I have read, they don't want a mutual loving relationship, they want power and control. That is why they started abusing us, I think they would have found some reason, because this is the way they get their power and control.
  16. whitebutterfly I'm glad to hear that you are starting on a new career path.
  17. fluffyflea Happy late Birthday!!!
  18. fluffyflea I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Hugs
  19. Hi Bennu. That is a good idea. I am feeling better now, but after he told me I was abusive in the past, I started to think of all the mistakes that I had made. I ended up a little depressed but didn't go to bed to get away from him as I do sometimes. I did later sleep a lot when I did go to bed. I feel better now. I am still considering leaving. For now, I don't want to talk to him about who did what or was the worse in the past. I was hoping he would change his opinions of how he treated me in the past, but apparently, he thinks that he wasn't any worse than me. I tend to believe if he had of treated me differently that I would have trusted him more and tried to talk to him about things that were bothering me. Also, the times I did try to talk to him about the finances and the children, we hardly ever agreed on how to deal with them. One of the things that he did that I feel damaged our relationship so much was his cutting me down to my face and in front of others and his temper toward me. As far as I am concerned, I have never felt that I could trust him or have never felt the connection I would like to have with him for very long. I don't like the way he treated me or the children. We have different opinions on how to treat people. When I look back on our marriage, I feel a lot of emotional pain from being around him.
  20. My husband has been trying to be nicer to me and I told him he has not been doing well enough. He said he will do better. He said he can change himself, that he has done it with other things. He said the reason he treated me so mean, is because I was hiding things from him and he didn't trust me. I told him that I had obsessive compulsive disorder and was hiding that and panic attacks later from him. I told him it wasn't that I was hiding something bad I was doing. I felt from right after we got married he started treating me in ways I didn't like. He would tell things about me to friends that I didn't want them to know, it embarrassed me. He said the reason he did is because he couldn't believe I didn't know these things. I thought that your husband was suppose to have your back and not tell things that made you look bad and instead tell the good about you. I still think this is the best way to be unless he is just talking to his friend by himself and not making fun of me. Anyway, he would also say verbally abusive things about me to others because he said he thought I was lazy. I told him I was not lazy, that I was having emotional and mental problems. I told him that I was still having a difficult time dealing with the divorce I got shortly before we married, I started having problems with the obsessive compulsive disorder after we married and I didn't tell him at this time, but I thought it was best for my daughter to work only part time. We later had a child who was disabled and spent months in intensive care, so I quit working to see her during the day and go home in the evening to be with my other child. Our disabled daughter passed away and two years later had another child. When our youngest was three our older daughter started running away from home because she said that my husband wasn't treating her right. She caused us a lot of trouble and my husband was afraid for her to come home and continue to live with us, so I ask my sister if she could live with her, she said yes. I reminded him of these things, and told him I started having panic attacks and was getting more emotionally unstable so that is why I wanted to move back to where we were from. We did and I worked part time while having panic attacks and feeling like I was going to pass out sometimes while driving. I quit 3 months after I started the full time job and went back to working part time, while still having panic attacks and feeling like I could pass out at times while driving. While working that job, my boss touches me sexually one evening while working alone with him. I quit working there and took some time off. Later I went back to work part time. I am telling this in hopes of others seeing if I was part of the reason he treated me as he did. I don't think he should have treated me emotionally and verbally abusive regardless, even if he did think I was lazy. I did other things that I know were not the way I should have dealt with things but at that time this is what I thought I should do. My husband started working away from home a lot and I couldn't deal with my problems, the abuse, so I started looking for a way out which was an affair. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. Another thing I did was spend money that we couldn't afford for me to. It was the way I dealt with my life and it wasn't a good way. I thought of something later after I posted this. I believe he has been emotionally and verbally abusive to our young granddaughter, she isn't me and didn't do the things I did, so why was he abusive to her? Of course, he probably doesn't think he was abusive, just upset and grouchy to her. I know he was more than a little upset. I would call it abusive. Why is it so easy to believe what he says? I filled out papers for a low income place to live and I got a response that I am on a waiting list. Even though he is being a lot nicer, I'm still leaving my options open.
  21. whitebutterfly You are right, he chose to be abusive to me. I am wondering if I was almost as abusive as him in the past, to him and our children in different ways. Thank you whitebutterfly
  22. Bennu I do think he added a lot of stress to my life which could have made my O.C.D. worse. I have been wondering if my husband has changed some or if he has only changed his actions. I wonder how much of what he says is abusive. Am I seeing abuse in so many things he does and they are not abusive, just things I don't like to hear him say because they are annoying or I don't agree he should say them. I don't feel like I can see clearly right now. I was having these thoughts before and now they are worse because I talked to him about his abuse. He told me that he was have feelings that he didn't usually have or more feelings than he usually has, so I thought that maybe God had answered prayers and he was now starting to feel empathy. I told him I was glad to hear that he was having more feelings because I didn't like the way he had been treating me and I had applied for a place to stay. I know this is not suggested, but as I stated I thought maybe it was an answer to prayer. He told me that he had been trying and I told him it wasn't enough and he said he would do better. Since then except for a few times and the times I'm not sure if he is being abusive or saying things I wish he wouldn't, he has been a lot nicer. He told me he would buy me a couch and tried to put the grill back on the dishwasher, said we didn't have the money to do everything I wanted to do. He started taking me out to eat more. Since he was saying he would do more and spend more, I told him it wasn't so much the money or things, it is how he treats me. He has been answering more of my questions. When he has joked about something, I ask him if he is serious or joking and he has said both. I told him it is either one or the other. I have thought about it, and yes, it can be both, but to me that can cause confusion because I may think it is a joke only. I guess that is what sarcasm is, a serious joke to cut someone down. That's why I don't like it, he could and probably is most times using this so called serious joke to cut me down. I think he also does this to cover up whether he is serious or not. If I don't like it, he can say he was only joking. I use to think he was so strong at saying what he thought, but now I know he doesn't always state what he thinks. The answer he gave me that started me to asking myself again if I was almost as much at fault about our relationship was when I got tired of hearing him complain about someone being abusive and entitled and told him that person sounded familiar. I did it to see if he felt any different about me being abusive too. I found out he didn't, and he didn't like me saying he was like that person. Thank for listening
  23. cloudsandsunshine Wow, he is such a jerk. He is definitely abusive. If you are wanting him to go to marriage counseling with you, I have read, heard from people on here and know from experience that it can cause more emotional trauma. Some counselors or therapist aren't taught how to deal with abusive spouses. Also, abusers can use what we say about them to abuse us more. Abusers need to go to therapy by themselves and to someone who understands abuse. One of the books I suggest to read about abuse is, "Why Does He Do That?" Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft. Also, it doesn't mater if you do forget a lot, he shouldn't be treating you abusively. You Do Not Make Him Do Anything or Drive Him To Do Anything, he is wrong. He may believe this or he may be saying this to put the blame on you. Either way he is wrong....... You are not responsible for how he chooses to react to a situation. You are ONLY responsible for how you react to a situation.
  24. cloudsandsunshine Hi and welcome. You can get him to apologize over and over but if he doesn't mean it, it's not going to really make a big difference, except make you for feel somewhat better. We are all human and at times want to see them suffer too because of what they have done to us. Making him swallow his pride will feel good too, but again in the long run, it won't solve the problem. The problem is that he thinks it is ok to treat you that way. He is wrong, he is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you. He is also wrong about you causing him to treat you abusive. You can't control him, if you could, I'm sure you would make him treat you differently. He overreacted to the phone going dead. We are not responsible for their actions and they are not responsible for ours. Regardless of what you do, It is his choice to treat you that way. He could choose to treat you with respect. It Is Not Your Fault! It Is Him! It sounds like to me he is jealous of your family and he wants to come first. This is typical for an abuser. He is making fun of you when you are on the phone. He is being disrespectful to you and is also trying to manipulate you by doing this. I don't think he wants you talking to your family and having a good relationship with them. Some abusers like to separate us from our friends and family, so they can have more control over us. It is also normal to not want to have sex with someone that treats you badly. My husband said if I didn't have sex with him or the way he wanted he could be tempted to have it with someone else. That again is them being abusive. They may or may not, but the point is that he is abusive and trying to control you. Abusers want power and control over us and they choose it instead of a mutual loving relationship. I think my husband says he is sorry sometimes even when he is not, so I will shut up.
  25. Vampydoll I'm sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time. I am glad to hear that you realized that you can't live with your mother before you moved in with her. I also have family members I love but would not want to live with.