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Everything posted by hoping

  1. My husband has been wanting me to spend more intimate time with him than he was. I got upset and told him I was depressed and I was going to get something to eat and be by myself for awhile. I ate and went to a friends home and talked. I left my phone accidently in the car and decided to not answer him if he had called. I was gone for about 3 or 4 hours. When I got in my car I returned his call and told him that what had bothered me the most was I didn't feel like being intimate with him. He said if I thought he was gross that he would leave the next day. I told him he wasn't gross and explained again why I didn't want to be intimate. We talked and he said that I could stay where I was at if I wanted to. I got tired of hearing his manipulation and it was making me feel sad about us not getting along, so I hung up. Today he told me that while I was sleeping that he had driven around and had been crying over me not being happy with our marriage. I told him that he had just the other day told me how to discipline our gd8 in front of her and that I didn't want his input. That I was an adult, as smart as him, and that I was going to discipline her how I wanted whether he agreed or not. I told him not to treat me like a child and that I will no longer put up with it. I told him if he has something to say about my discipline to say it to me in private, but that doesn't mean I am going to change. I am dreading dealing with him over intimacy. He already ask me if I was feeling better and I told him yes. He is probably hoping that my depression caused me to react to him how I did and that now I'm feeling better he will have a chance again at being with me. The depression only added to how I felt about him. I know before long he will ask again. I want him to wait and leave me alone until I decide, I don't know when or if that will be. I might be able to tolerate him if he can be less abusive, less often and I don't have to be intimate with him. He has never agreed to no intimacy before so I would be surprised if he agreed to it next time. I wish I had a place to live so if or when he starts manipulating me I could leave, at least for awhile.
  2. WB and Quaddie Thank you so much for all of your advise and validation. It' good to hear that I have a good reason to feel uncomfortable with him. I haven't gotten to the point where I can stay around him and not let his hovering bother me. Going for a drive or away for awhile is a good idea, but the problem is I am going to go home sometime. If I could not feel sorry for him when he pouts or if I could keep my mind from changing after talking to him I would feel better. He is so insistent that we are intimate pretty soon after him talking to me and telling me how I am also not perfect, how he is trying and blah, blah, blah. I start thinking that maybe I just need to wait a little longer and maybe he will change, then I start thinking, I told him I needed time to get over the hurt I feel and he says he has waited long enough, meaning that I have been trying to get him to leave me alone for maybe years now, and he thinks that was enough time, even though we had sex some of those times. He seems to think I need to get over it now. Like I mentioned in some of the other post, I think I'm going to separate or get a divorce if necessary to get financial help when I leave. I want to separate and be away from him for awhile and see how I feel. I know it will feel good when I don't have to worry about him being in the same house and asking me about sex. I'm tired from dealing with this.
  3. Fluffyflea I'm glad I'm not alone in how I feel. I agree, liking women for sex doesn't mean they like women.
  4. Grabforjoy Thank you for sharing about your sisters life, It helps me to feel like I'm normal. I am having a difficult time staying in the house and not feeling bad because of his hoovers. I keep telling him I'm not ready and I listen to him and I start to believe that he is right, I was just as bad as him. After I have awhile to think about it I start wondering again if he is right. Well, even if I was, I am not ready to forgive him enough for his part and to feel happy about intimacy with him. I'm tired and I just want to get my own place and get away from him for awhile. I want time to be by myself and to think and see how I feel.
  5. Quaddie Yes, good one about poop. He does think I'm punishing him or mad at him. I don't think he has very much empathy.
  6. Confused714 I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some of the same things as me. Hugs
  7. Quaddie How selfish and inconsiderate. I bet he wasn't joking. This is exactly the problem with me trying to withstand him. He will say what I did in the past(and I had plenty of faults). He keeps talking to me and then I end up feeling like I have been just as bad as him but in different ways because that is what he says, and you know what, maybe I was in different ways in the past, I am not like that anymore. Right now my brain is full of all the things I have done and he has done and I'm to the point to where even if I were as much as fault, I still don't trust him and I don't know if he is capable of changing as he says he is. I think I am going to leave no matter how much he tries. I'm tired and I want to get away from him if only for a separation or temporarily. I want to see how I feel when I am away from him.
  8. Bennu Even though my husband offered to leave, I don't see that happening. I think it was more of a manipulation. I don't know why this type of intimacy is so important to him, maybe because he has very little empathy and this is the way he tries to connect. Maybe its an addiction or maybe he is a normal male as far as this. I don't know.....
  9. lizziebethak Thank you for your advise and letting me know you have been there. You are right, I am worth more than that.
  10. Quaddie He says that if I don't then we need to get a divorce. He doesn't want to do without sex.
  11. Quaddie I would have said more but he came in and I had to hide this page. We talked again about what he had done recently and he agreed to not do it again. I think because of that talk he was hoping everything was ok now. I don't really think he gets it. He wanted to be intimate today. I said no, and we talked again and I told him again that I wasn't ready, I needed time. He of course doesn't understand that because that was in the past he said and he has been trying his best. He doesn't get it. He has lack of empathy and knowledge into why he has hurt me. Ask if I was trying to punish him or hurt him. I said no. Why cant he just leave me alone for at least a week or so and let me think and rest? He is wanting intimacy more than ever now. He said that before he didn't get what I said about still being hurt and not wanting to be that close but tells me that when I reject him it makes it more difficult for him to enjoy our intimacy. Arrr......
  12. Thank you all for replying. He ask last night while drunk if I had forgiven him yet.
  13. I'm sorry to hear that you and your siblings are being abused. Yes, she is very abusive and sounds dangerous. I would check and see at what age you can chose to be on your own. Is there anyone that would be safe and willing to let you and your siblings live with them. Maybe you could call a hot line and ask them questions without them knowing who you are. There may be others on this site that can give you a lot more information and I am hoping they will see this and reply.
  14. WB I'm happy to hear that you now have clarity and understanding of your situation, glad that you and your children are now free. I am concerned about finances and all the other things that go along with leaving but I think the thing that is bothering me the most is the same wall. Thank you for this encouragement. I will keep this in mind. I want to let you know that by your post you have given me more clarity in my situation. Thank you for sharing
  15. He either has a major problem with his thinking or he is deliberately being abusive to get you to cook for him. No matter what his reason is, It is still very painful to live in that situation. I hope if you choose, to find a way out again. I don't see that he has changed since you came back and therapy can even make some of them worse. Hugs
  16. That was awful what they did to you. I'm glad that you were able to talk about it. Hugs
  17. AZ-home Thank you
  18. I have read, listened to videos and talked to others about abuse. There seems to be four different reasons why someone would be an abuser. (1) They enjoy being mean to others. (2) They were traumatized as a child and have a false self that they are living through and use abuse as a way to protect themselves from their pain. (3) They decided because of culture or others reasons that they are entitled to treat women abusive. (4) They have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which could be from abuse or genetics or both. There is no successful way to treat this disorder. Number 2 and 3 are the ones that have hope for change with a therapist after many years but there is only a one percent chance for these abusers to change and quit abusing. If you have been researching abuse, did you come up with the same answers as me, something else or do you know of other research that I haven't read? I am trying to evaluate what chance my husband has at changing.
  19. Fluffyflea I am beginning to think this more and more as time goes on.
  20. WB Yes, I have had a few good counselors and a few that were pretty bad. The ones I thought were really bad I only saw one or two times. I had one psychiatrist that I didn't think was very good either. Thank you for your sympathy. I hope things get better for you.
  21. Quaddie I had been married to a guy that wouldn't keep a job, lied to me where he was and what he was doing, didn't pick me up after work one time, he had affairs with other women. After I divorced him I thought the way to get over him was to find another guy, so I did, the one I am now married to. I remember thinking how he was out of my league, he came from a middle class family and cared about me. It felt good to be excepted by someone I thought was better than me. About ten years ago he agreed to go to martial counseling with me to my counselor. I didn't want to have sex with him back then. She seemed to be an average counselor until he came with me. She told us she liked sex and it took her mind off of things and that she didn't understand why I didn't want to have sex with him. He talked and I didn't want to argue with him because I feared how he would treat me when we left the counselors office. I can't remember but I would guess that I had already told her why I didn't want to have sex with him. Anyway, she didn't agree with me. I knew she was wrong but that didn't help me. Thank you for waking me up. You are right, even though I still don't want to have sex I have been. I was going to go along with him until I could get out, but then I read that book, "Rethinking Narcissism" by Craig Malkin ,and I started thinking that maybe there was hope for him to change. I don't know if it was the way I interpreted the book or the things the doctor said, but It really put me back to trying to say the right things to encourage him to change. Quaddie thank you so much. You have and are helping me tremendously. Hugs
  22. I've ask myself and my husband some of the same questions. I am beginning to learn it is not so much about me as I thought. I'm not perfect but he has some disfunctional ways of thinking about me. I think he would see me as a better person if he didn't have his disfunctional thinking.
  23. WB He can be very difficult to live with. This time after telling me how I should discipline her, he said in a quite voice, jokingly, that I'm not sure if he wanted me to here or not, that he should spank the both of us. This time I didn't take it as a joke since he had already stated in a serious voice that I should discipline her differently. Also sometimes, I can't remember if it was this time but he will act like a young boy when joking. I'm not sure but this might be covert abuse because of him trying to use the cover of a joke and the identity of a young boy to seem innocent to help manipulate me.
  24. I was helping our gd8 with her homework when my husband commented and said something like she wasn't behaving and I wasn't making her mind. I told him that I was the one that was disciplining her and that he needed to be quiet and let me do it my way. He then said he should spank the both of us. I told him I was an adult, not a child and that he was not going to spank either of us. He went outside to do some things and then when coming in the door he stomped his feet. I told him to quit acting like a kid and trying to intimidate us. He told me he had tripped on the rug and that I should apologize to him. I didn't and I don't know if I should. He got angry at our gd8 and me before because he didn't like how I was disciplining her and didn't like the way she was acting. He went out the same door and slammed it at that time. My gd8 ask me why he did that. I told her he was mad at both of us. So, this time I thought he was doing the same thing. I told him later why I didn't apologize and he said I was using that as an excuse to not apologize. I told him what I thought for my sake and my gd. I spoke up because he was not acting real angry this time so I wasn't afraid of him.
  25. Quaddie I didn't realize how bad she might feel this time, maybe because I never experienced that with my grandparent. I only remember one time with my grandmother, feeling she was being too strict. Thank you for that insight. I hope that I did show her that a woman doesn't have to let someone talk to them like that.