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About hoping

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    playing games on my computer, taking photos,

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  1. Blurryface Welcome and so sorry for your situation. Lots of hugs..... When I was a teenager, my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive and my mother was mentally ill. I didn't feel safe to talk to either one about myself or my problems. I had some friends, but they didn't make up for the parenting I wanted or needed. I remember thinking about an older man and how it would have been so easy for me to end up in a sexual relationship with him. I think some of this was due to the fact that I wanted an older person to trust and feel secure around. I am thankful that I wasn't able to have a relationship with him. These men are older and more mature and know so much more about life then teenagers do. This is why it is not fair for the teenager, they can use their knowledge to manipulate, seduce, and control. This man is the adult and knew what he was doing and it wasn't good or fair for you. These people are good at showing their good side, so they can fool us and others too. I am sad to hear how the others have blamed you. It is not your fault. I hope someday they will learn and understand about people like your teacher and that they are at fault. I am so glad their wasn't internet or cell phones when I was young. I am afraid I would have made even more bad decisions. Please don't let this situation make you feel less about yourself. I hope someday you will be able to look back and say," I was just a normal teenager, it wasn't me, it was him."
  2. Blueskye Thank you for your advise. It helps me to hear about others lives. My dad was emotionally and verbally abusive and I think it was easier for me to be angry at him and to have the hopes of marrying someone non abusive when I was young. I have been around and heard of so many abusive and dysfunctional males that it seems to me that there are very few non abusive and functional men out there in the world. Maybe, some of what I am seeing from my husband is not abusive, just him being a typical male. I wonder am I seeing him correctly or seeing abuse where there is not any, I'm not saying all of the time, because I do believe he is abusive, but maybe not as much as I think. I'm not perfect either and worry that since I am afraid to talk about some of my faults, that maybe I am too one sided. I had a chance to move, but decided not too. When I felt like I needed to make the final decision, I still felt very sad and in love with my husband, despite how he has treated me. I also, didn't want to move to the place I had put in an application at. The town is more secluded and I like being closer to a busier town. I started thinking about how long we had been together, all the things we worked to have, our child, and grandchild being close and how everything would change. We don't have a lot and I am afraid of dividing it and both of us being poor. I hope that my brothers are not abusive to there wives, but I don't know that for sure. I haven't talked to them or their wives and am kind of afraid to do so, one reason is, I don't want them to think that I am prying into there life and the other is that I'm not sure if they want to hear about mine, or if they did, how they would react. I think another reason that this husband I am with doesn't seem so bad at times is that my previous husband was so much more abusive than this one. Sometimes, when I think back, I think, wow, this one is mild compared to him.
  3. lizzibethak I have talked to one of my sisters about him and his emotional and verbal abuse. She has been in three or four abusive relationships and seems to have a good boyfriend now, but an emotionally and verbally son that lives with them from her previous abusive husband. She worries about me leaving because of my depression, afraid I will get lonely, and worries about me having enough money. She thinks if I was being physically abused and was afraid for my life then I should leave. I only told my other sister part of how he treated me. She also had two abusive relationships. One of my girlfriends has had abusive relationships too, she at this time doesn't want to try to have anymore, do to being concerned she will chose another abusive or dysfunctional male. She knows about my relationship and understands why I would want to leave and why I would want to stay. Another friend of mine is probably in an abusive relationship now after being in one for years to her husband, who she is divorced from. She listens to me and I listen to her. I know she has chosen to stay with him, so I try to respect her decision. Another friend was in an abusive relationship and is single now, she doesn't know my whole story, but told me it can be really difficult to be on your own, especially if I don't have a lot of money. I can't think of anyone that I am really close to other than these people that I can ask for opinions about my situation.
  4. I started blocking out what my husband would say if I thought it was going to bother me too much. It would be something I thought was going to be abusive. After joining this site and reading books I have been telling myself to quit doing that and listen to him. I still remind myself, because there are times I find myself doing it again. It was pretty obvious in some of his words and actions that he was being abusive but now that I know more and am listening to him more, I am hearing things that are hard to believe that he is saying, I even question myself, did he say that or did I misunderstand him? When I know or try to trust I heard him right, I feel afraid. Why? because he is saying things that are so different from what I believe and it scares me to see a person I lived with for so long that seems like a different person than I thought he was. I don't think or talk like him so I'm not sure if he is a lot of talk and doesn't take things serious or if he might be more abusive than I thought. I tend to think of the worst scenario's sometimes, so maybe that is all it is. He seems to be more hardened and not as soft hearted as me and maybe that is part of it. I know that some of his hardness could be from being a male and how most are brought up. Well, anyway, when I think he is acting crazy, I have started feeling crazy. It use to really bother me a lot more and I would feel like things were unreal, similar to when I would be in an accident or when someone I cared a lot about would die. Now, I know I am not crazy, it's just my reaction to him. It's not just him saying things that made me wonder if he is crazy that has made me feel crazy, but also the fear, disbelief, and shock of what he said.
  5. Bennu I didn't think of it like that, but your right.
  6. Quaddie Yes, it should be discussed and agreed as partners. At this time my daughter and her husband are working a lot and have a lot of bills. We have more in the IRA that we can use until he makes more money. He doesn't want to do that and gets so upset about it. I don't think it is going to be that big of a problem for him to get more work, he is self employed. I still hate it that he acts like that. Thank you again
  7. vickeee Yes, it does make sense. Thank you for replying and letting me know what you perceived.
  8. Between taking money out of his IRA to help our daughter to buy a home and my husband making more this year, we had to pay in more on income tax. We put the income tax on a credit card, which he told me he wants to get paid off soon. I understand how he feels, but I don't like it when he gets so strict with the money. He gives me a certain amount a week, which is a fair amount, and he also pays for the groceries that we eat at home. He was giving me a little extra, but for now that will stop. He has acted like this before when we would spend money and he didn't think we had a lot, then after we did, he would say, " We are going to have to quit spending money now." He wouldn't warn me that if we do this then I will tighten the reins on the money. This is similar to what he did after we paid the taxes. He said we are not saving anything and only spending money. He told me last night that he wants my help also to get the credit card paid soon. I was afraid to ask what that meant, so I just said ok. I am hoping he doesn't mean that he wants to take some of the money away he gives me every week. I am also, concerned that he will start asking what I am going to buy at the grocery store and how much that will cost, and then tell me if we need this or that or if we can afford it, or remind me that we don't have a lot of money. I spent 15.oo at the store the other night and he did give that back to me, but I don't know if he will keep doing it. I would have to ask him or do it and hope he will. I have mixed emotions about him controlling the money so tightly. I know I need to learn to be more conservative, especially if I am going to live by myself, but I don't like having to get approval through him. Do you think this is abusive or just normal for a married couple that has a different outlook on spending money? Also, I think if he wasn't abusive, I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable talking to him about money.
  9. whitebutterfly You are right, it's not fair to me that he treats me abusive regardless of what he says his reasons are. This makes sense, it should be bothering him more than it is. I think the reason he said this is because he knows I'm tired of his abuse and he is afraid I will leave. I need to keep telling myself, he believes it's ok to be abusive to me. Thanks again
  10. Quaddie You are right, he should repair things that bother me even when he doesn't think it's necessary. I guess I feel more gratitude because I'm not use to him doing some of these things without me pushing him to do them. Thank you for the right perspective.
  11. whitebutterfly Thank you for telling me he hasn't changed. It's so easy to think they have or at least some. Today he talked to me in an angry tone, then he said I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. This would have been nice to know all of these years, but he still shouldn't talk to me in an angry tone when I didn't do anything. It is still painful, even when he is not angry at me because I feel like he is still taking it out on me. Thank you so much for asking this question and for saying that I am an equal, loving human being.
  12. whitebutterfly11 Thank you for letting me know abusers use the shock method. I was also wondering about why he said that to my granddaughter, thank you for verifying that. Yes, that is why it didn't bother me so much and because I wasn't for sure if it was abuse. Thank you for validating that he is still abusing me. It is so easy sometimes for me to give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe it's something else. whitebutterfly said, " He's still abusing you, so he doesn't deserve to be associated with any type of improvement." I'm glad you said this because he hasn't been complaining as much when he gives me extra money and he also repaired the grill on the dishwasher and the refrigerator. I was feeling somewhat guilty about not giving him enough credit and still thinking about leaving.
  13. 6245 Wow, that's not funny even if you don't like the person. It amazes me what our husbands or exes will say.
  14. MorningGlory Thank you for replying. Yes, he seems to care more about being funny than our feelings. He works in the entertainment business. He has been so driven to get rich and famous or one or the other that he puts himself first. He was entertaining a lot until I ask him to quit traveling and preforming because it was too difficult for me. I was having panic attacks and having a terrible time coping with him gone so much. He has blamed me for years and resented me for asking him to quit. He likes to make up new jokes and tells them to me to see how I like them. I don't ask him to do this, he just does it, and I think he also uses his jokes to communicate instead of being vulnerable and saying what he means. It's difficult for me to believe at times he is as big of a jerk that he has been. I followed him around off and on for years, until I decided I was tired of living his dream. Maybe I am in denial. I wish I knew for sure. Yes, I worry about breaking up our family, but I'm not sure that would be a bad thing. I also worry about supporting myself and making the wrong decision. If I don't leave though I will never know how my life without him could turn out. Big decisions to make....
  15. starshine That's great! I'm glad you had fun.