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  1. Bennu I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your relationship is strained.
  2. Quaddie What you said makes a lot of sense. Your right he is treating me like a prostitute, he has done this in the past too, which probably doesn't surprise you. There were also times in the past that he would joke about paying me, not sure if it was a joke or not. Thank you for answering me.
  3. Bennu Thank you for telling me your thoughts. I'm glad to hear that most men are not like this.
  4. My husband said that he was working Valentine's Day and it might be a little late when he got home. He said that we eat out a lot and it is Valentine's Day every day to us, so we didn't need to go out and eat. We also had spent money on repairing vehicles so I knew that could be part of it. I told him it didn't matter and it was ok, which was a lie, but I wasn't about to tell him how I really felt. I have been thinking about leaving anyway, so I ask myself why it bothered me. It bothered me because he didn't know I was thinking about leaving and I didn't like how he was treating me. I ask him for 10$ to take out my granddaughter for Valentine's Day instead of buying her a present. I told him it would be from the two of us and I would tell her, which I did. The next day he said that he wanted to go out and eat something for dinner. That evening on the way he told me it was for Valentine's Day. During the dinner he said that I spent all of my money every month. I said yes, I probably do. I eat out and I pay part of the bills. I went to see the doctor the next day and my husband said he didn't mind picking up our granddaughter after school, that he wanted to see her anyway. It was in the afternoon and I also went by to see a friend. After I got home around 8 p.m. I told him that I was going to bed, due to being tired. He said he wanted sex and I said no I was tired. He said that he had bought me a nice dinner and he wanted his Valentine present. I told him that he was the one that wanted to go and he ate too and it was his Valentine's Day present too. I don't know whether he paid for all of the dinner or I paid half, because of the way I give him the rest of the money I get for the bills. Either way, I didn't like how he said I owed him for paying for mine, especially sex. He then said he watched our granddaughter for me. I told him he wanted to see her anyway, and to quit trying to manipulate me. Today he hasn't said anything else about it. Are most men like this whether they say it or not? Expecting sex for presents or instead of a present?
  5. Betty I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through with your friends, dad, and the violence support worker. I went to one counselor that I believe told me the wrong information about my family and how to deal with them. I went to another one that told me I should have sex with my husband even though I didn't want to due to his emotional and verbal abuse. I did also have two that were good at helping me. Until recently one of my friends didn't understand why I wasn't happy with my husband. I wonder now if it was because I didn't tell her very much about him. If they understand how abusive he is and still think he is the best thing that happened to you, then they just don't get it. I have a good supportive sister, but she doesn't encourage me to leave. I think she may be afraid if I leave my life may get worse. My friend doesn't encourage me to leave either. Some people on here helped me to see how much they care for me but said it is probably because they don't want to feel guilty if leaving is the wrong decision. Your dad may be trying to help you in his own way. I think he is telling you what he would do from his perspective. This may be because he can't stand to be alone or that he doesn't know how painful an abusive relationship is. Unfortunately, it sounds like to me your domestic violence counselor wasn't a very good one. I am glad that you are determined to find a way to build yourself up and to leave.
  6. Melonie I read all of your topics and what I see that you are saying is that you thought he was a good person and wanted to spend more time with him and if it worked out you would be moving to where he lives because you love him and don't feel like you have a good chance at love or a good life where you are. I don't know whether he had anything to do with you quitting your job or not, but I don't believe all abusers want their girlfriends or wives to quit their jobs. The reason I say this is because my husband is an abuser and he wanted me to work fulltime. You said since you quit your job, you and your BF have been arguing more, I think part of that could be because he did not want you to quit your job or it could be that now that you have quit your job, you have been spending more time with him and you are beginning to see what he really is like. Also, abusers will start feeling comfortable to be themselves when we prove that we are emotionally attached to them. When you quit your job, that was a sign to him that you were committed to him. I am not happy either, when I am being abused. I am also nervous to speak my thoughts when I know my husband will get angry or criticize me for them. When I am in one of those situations, I decide by how I feel at that time( strong and ready to leave if he gets too abusive) or if I don't want to deal with him and let it go. I also, judge by his actions and voice tone how serious he is about what he is saying. If he is not to serious, I might say something, if real serious and I don't want to be further abuses then I try to skirt around what he says. I say further abuse because I believe by his actions and past actions I am being abused already by him. You said you boyfriend told you the signs you have exhibited as abuse. If he doesn't know these terms of abuse, I think it would be better to not educate him in them. Abusers will use knowledge against us. The things he said about you, I believe are him turning what you said about him back at you or the twisted way abusers see things.
  7. Melinoe I know this is so difficult to deal with and can be difficult to believe that the person we love is an abuser. You seem like a intelligent, empathetic, caring, and good person who wants a good loving relationship. I believe he is abusive and doesn't want that, he wants to control you and is lying to you. I'm sorry to say this even though I believe it to be true.
  8. Betty I understand. I talked about my life for years to a therapist before finding this site. It was difficult for me even to talk to her.
  9. Fluffyflea I know this may sound silly, but why do you think you are feeling? Can you list some things on a piece of paper, even if you don't think they are important enough? This might help you. Trust what you write, then ask yourself why you feel these things, and are they true, or are they from what he has told you, or others that don't know your situation? My counselor told me to write with the opposite hand your question and wait a little while and then answer with your dominant hand and see what you wrote. I hope this helps.
  10. Vickeee This does seem strange to me. It sounds like to me that he thinks because of your relationship, including staying with you and the dog on the weekends makes him now just as much of your dogs owner. At the very least I would say you BF is acting childish. To me this is not a good sign when another person thinks they can take something away from the other without asking first. It doesn't matter if he thinks you see the dog more, it is still your dog, not his. I think he was being rude to do that. Refusing to give you back the lease, to me, is a power play. He is saying I want this and I don't care what you think. Your boyfriend could be using your dog to try and control you without making it that obvious. He told you to get O a blanket when he didn't need one. That is ordering you and telling you that you are not smart enough to know how to take care of your own dog. What makes it even worse is that now you are questioning if you ever have taken care of him good enough. Your BF is making you feel this way. To me these are red flags of abuse. I'm not saying that he is an abuser, but that he is doing some abusive things. If you feel like you are loosing your mind then trust yourself, their is a reason you are feeling this way. Abusers can make us feel that way by the things they say and do. I know I have felt this way when my husband has said things that I was shocked or surprised that he said and my husband is an abuser. I don't think this is trivial, it would bother me too. He is being rude and childish...
  11. Thank you all for your advise. I am thinking about what you said and keeping it in mind. The latest psychiatrist I talked to said that she would see me for a fee and she would have to talk to my family to see what they say about me. I told the secretary that I had changed my mind. So far the free places I could go only have Nurse Practitioners that would see me for the medication. I may call again and ask if a Nurse Practitioner could sign the paper after seeing me.
  12. Betty Welcome, It is something I still struggle with about every day. I have gotten better about being assertive. I want to make people feel good and I have learned that sometimes that can end up making me feel bad, and it sounds like you have too.
  13. stillshocked Welcome to our place. I'm sorry to hear you are having problems. If you ask one of the administrators to put this post in the main menu, I think you will get more replies.
  14. After reading in a book I have that there is a chance I could get my disability taken away if I ask to take my payee off, I have decided that I am not going to take that chance. If I decide to separate or divorce, I will do it anyway and hope he will put my money in my account. I really don't want to go to a shelter, so I am hoping to find a low income place to rent. I have been researching it, and have found where I want to apply.
  15. Fightingtobeme In my opinion if you got charged for what your husband was doing because you lived with him, that is not fair. I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through this.