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  1. Vampydoll I'm sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time. I am glad to hear that you realized that you can't live with your mother before you moved in with her. I also have family members I love but would not want to live with.
  2. Vickeee I understand what you are saying. My husband is jealous way of me and some other people. I think this is typical for abusers to act this way. When he has acted this way towards me it has really hurt my feelings. I thought they were suppose to be supportive and they are suppose to be in a normal healthy relationship. I think you made the right decision to not let him move in with you. Abusers think of themselves first and what they want. They think what they want is more important than what you want and they believe they are right.
  3. Vickeee I am a recovering codependent and by what I have learned, he doesn't sound codependent. Codependent people are usually people pleasers. He doesn't sound at all like that. I'm sorry that he doesn't care to spend time with you when he only sees you once a week, to me this is a big red flag. If he is reading on his phone, is it possible that he could be lying about that? He may be talking to some other women. He should want to see you when he is there. If you are doing a lot for him, cooking, sex, and whatever else, then he could be there only for that. What he said about always being the therapist, that sounds like a lie. People that are empathetic and caring and want to talk to people are usually the ones that want to help others. He doesn't sound that way to me. Just because he tends to date people with borderline personality disorder, doesn't mean that you have it. He could be saying this as a way to place doubt or thought in your mind that you have it. Even if you have it, that doesn't excuse the way he has been treating you. In him saying he has been the therapist to other relationships, which sounds like a lie, could be his way of manipulating you, by saying I don't want to talk to you about your life, and using that for an excuse. It doesn't make sense. When we are in a relationship, it is about discussing our lives with each other, and trying to help the other person if they need it. He is using that for an excuse. Bringing things up to abusers can cause them to get upset because they can feel like we are blaming them for what bothers us, and they also don't think that they are doing anything wrong, or if they do, they don't want to let you know by discussing it. If they discuss it, they will say that something is wrong with you, or you do what you said they did. They can make you feel confused and even crazy. They don't make sense and we try to make sense of their nonsense, which makes us think that maybe something is wrong with us, because why would someone act like that? The answer is that they don't think like us. They don't want to work things out. They want to control you. This is what makes them feel good. They don't want a loving relationship like we do. To an abuser a compromise would be doing just enough of something to make you feel like he cares. That something will be what he should be doing in a normal relationship anyway. Then he can ask you to do something for him because he is doing something for you(what he should be doing). This way he gives a little of what you want and should have anyway and tricks you into giving more. This is why you feel like you do, because it is manipulation, and it can be confusing until you understand what they do. Also, when it is us in the situation, it is more difficult to see due to we don't want to think they don't really care about us and our thoughts are trying to protect us from being hurt.
  4. Betty Thank you and I hope you can start feeling stronger and less afraid. I know this can take awhile and it helps to have support. I have been telling my friend more about my life and she is now more supportive about me leaving my husband. Hugs
  5. Vampydoll He sounds so much like my husband. I can understand how that can hurt. Quaddie has some good advise. Bennu is right too, after awhile you can just get sick of what they say.
  6. It took my husband years before he started complaining about drivers, asking me if I talked about him to my girlfriend and what I said, and if I bragged on him. It also took years before he started telling me how lucky I was to have him and jokingly to stick with him and I would go places. He didn't take long after we married to start telling me to go into the other room when he spanked my daughter, because it bothered me and he wasn't hurting her. He was overly jealous, but I didn't find that out until many years later. He wanted control of me and the household until he traveled for a job, then wanted me to take on all the responsibility. Did not want to hear problems at home while traveling for his job, even when gone for two weeks, then came home and wanted his control back and to criticize me for how I raised our children. He spent a lot of evenings with his friends playing video games instead of with me or our children. On our family nights he couldn't wait to get home to play video games. I heard him pretending to be our daughters brother to her friend to find out what she was doing. He made fun of me for choosing a car he told me not to because it was a bad decision, it was but I didn't feel like he should have made fun of me. Said I wasn't a good cook. Said I was a using drugs due to medications I take. Criticized me in front of a realtor, and his family at Thanksgiving. Told our old friends I couldn't keep a job, which embarrassed me. He was jealous of animals liking me more, grandchild liking me more, me getting a good buy. Tried to get my daughter and my grandchild to take his side. Use to argue with me when we were eating at a restaurant. Didn't want to spend money on sodas when eating out. Usually drinks water and wants to refill my tea to take with us for him. Don't know if these are all abusive but are aggravating. Couldn't have flowers on coffee table because it was in his way. He didn't want lamps on bedside table because it was in his way and he would knock it off too easy. He would knock off my hair brush and refuse to pick it up. Tore down curtain rod because it was too hard for him to pull back curtain. Now, unless I make him mad, he wants to be with me most of the time and doesn't do very much with his friends.
  7. Bennu It's very disappointing to realize they are not who we thought or want them to be. Before I had the support of this site and the knowledge about abuse, I use to tune him out when I thought he was going to say certain things. Before I knew very much about abuse and before I had the support of this site, I use to deliberately tune him out as a defense to not be confused or hurt by his words. I am now trying to listen to what he says and deal with it.
  8. Melinoe Yes, it is. That is a good point about trusting my gut. Melinoe said, " I wonder if that "crazymaking" feeling is ultimately due to the cognitive battle that occurs when we try to find logic and rationale to discredit our deepest instincts?" That's a good question, but I don't know.
  9. Quaddie I didn't know that about the word listen. Yes, he wants to control me. I do feel he treats me more like an object. He doesn't seem to think or acknowledge that I could and do have feelings. Oh, and yes I wondered what crazymaking meant, I guess I didn't get it before.
  10. Calling his date and cancelling after he picked me up for a date. Started pressuring me to have sex after 3 or 4 dates. Made fun of the school I went to...how I and the other students couldn't be that educated. Telling his friend that I didn't know how to drive on the interstate and I didn't know how to use a camera. I grew up poor, we didn't have a real camera, we didn't have a vehicle, we lived in the country and we didn't go on vacations, so I wasn't familiar with cameras and interstates. Taking me to visit his old girlfriend while we were dating.
  11. I had just told WB that I wasn't getting as hurt by my husbands actions as I use to. Guess what? I was wrong. He said he was worried that our granddaughters outside cat had been gone for a day. He was concerned that he might be dead and how that would bother our granddaughter. I saw a short video posted on a site that showed a little girl receiving a cat and how she was so excited and cried. I told my husband that this little girl was even more excited than our granddaughter had been when she received her cat. I showed him the video, I could tell he was about to cry but was trying to hold back the tears. He said he didn't want to see anymore of the video that it was about to make him cry. My thought was "Maybe I'm wrong about him, he does have empathy." Then I started wondering why he could cry over that video and not understand or have empathy for me. I must be an extension, in a different category that he doesn't relate to or he thinks it's ok and I deserve to be treated abusive, and maybe he doesn't think he is even abusive to me. I started thinking about the things he has done in the past that didn't seem normal to me, like the time he got extremely upset and angry because we couldn't find a small leather case my tweezers went in that got dropped on the floor. Another time when I hung his new jeans behind his old jeans in the closet and he had a fit He got extremely angry at me and told me how to not ever do that again. I don't ever remember him making such a big deal over where I hung his clothes and we have been married a long time. Those times were extreme and didn't make sense to me and were out of character for him even. It was like he was ready to blow and this is all it took or it was like he went crazy for a minute or two. I have read about what could have caused him to act these ways, but it is still difficult for me to believe. I began to feel crazy thinking about it. I am the one with obsessive compulsive disorder and depression, but I don't go off the handle, out of the blue like this. Since I don't feel like I completely understand why he did these things, I can feel scared when I think about them. Am I safe being around him? Does he have something wrong with him? I've been with him for over 30 years, and he has never physically hurt me, so I must be safe unless he gets worse or totally looses it someday. I feel even bad thinking this about him. Yesterday I told my son in law that I had given his step daughter her listening medication, as we call it. My husband was standing next to him and said to me, " You could use some listening medication." I thought to myself, here he goes again, "Your not funny. I told you to quit criticizing and making jokes about me." For a moment I thought he was right, I don't always listen to him, then I realized that didn't make it right for him to make fun of me. Of course, he would say he was just joking. How can it be just joking when he is joking about something that bothers him. No it's not just joking and even if it were, I don't care, I don't like it and it makes me angry. I think this is why it is so difficult to believe he is abusing me, I first have to believe he is lying to me and not joking. If he has lied to me about other things, he must be good at it, because I haven't seen it. This really bothers me to think he could have lied to me for years about other things and I didn't even think he was a liar. It's not a good feeling to wonder if you even know someone that you have been with for over 30 years. I think this is a good example of why I feel like I am crazy sometimes, that and he acts like he hasn't done anything wrong most of the time after he is abusive. It's enough to make me feel like I may be crazy.
  12. Starshine I'm sorry to hear that he has expected you to pay for the things he has done for you. It would be nice to be with someone that does nice things because they want to, and they appreciate us. Hugs
  13. Starshine You are not a failure. I know you are doing what you feel like you can deal with at the time. We are not a failure if we stay or if we go. That doesn't make us a failure. We may fail at things in our life, and that's ok. We can try again if we think we have failed and we can learn from that time but failing doesn't make us a failure. I agree with Quaddie, you are not a cry baby, you have a reason to be complaining. You are not being selfish, no way, you have a right to do things you enjoy or want to. I agree, in a healthy relationship we should be able to be away from a partner for a time without them going ballistic. In a good relationship there should be trust, and not a fear that they are going to loose us or that they won't be able to control us why we are gone. The fact that you going when you know he will be upset, shows how strong you are and how wise you are.
  14. whitebutterfly I read this in a book, I wish I could remember which one it was. It helped me so much to see my life differently. I will attempt to say what I read. Oh, I am a Christian, this is why it meant so much to me. I hope it helps you and is ok to post here. God loves us all equally. I am not suppose to bully someone to make myself feel better. That is not right, to hurt another just to feel better. There are other ways that I can feel better without hurting another. If a person is hurting me by bullying, then they are not right either. God loves me just as much. I don't have to sacrifice my happiness to make another happy when it's not right. He wants us to both be happy, not just the bully. I don't know if I'm explaining it very good or not. I hope this helps. I don't think God expects me to let others hurt me, he loves me just as much. If I didn't believe in God, I would just make my own rules, or do the ones I thought were good. It is good to value ourselves, we are just as important as anyone else. Hugs
  15. Quaddie Yes, you are right. He is wrong.