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lemondrop

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About lemondrop

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  1. I definitely avoided leaving two different relationships because of concerns about pets. The first one, my ex husband would threaten to take the dog to the shelter. And I knew I had nowhere to take him. The second time, the ex boyfriend never threatened my lizard but I knew I had nowhere to take him and that my partner at the time certainly wouldn't take care of him and was unstable enough to potentially hurt him. It is a real concern but I'm not sure what the answer is. It's great when shelters can accommodate animals but I understand it's not always possible.
  2. I'm in the US but I have heard CBT is good. I tried a little bit of it one time and it seemed to help. Maybe I should suggest that to my therapist.
  3. Yeah I'm not positive what it is for me. I think some of the issue is a mix of social anxiety mixed with a tendency to seek too much excitement. I notice I'm really standoffish at first when beginning to date someone, and so I think healthy people back off and don't see it as going anywhere. And I get bored as well. It's the people who are really pushy that give me a sense of security to be myself, and then it ends up being a disaster when their lack of boundaries mix with the real independent me that my anxiety hides at first. I've started to get better at not being so anxious and worrying what people think, but I think it still is an issue that I come across as very passive and shy at first when I'm really not, and it makes it so men who want to control someone think I'll be easily controlled and men who don't want to do that move on, figuring I'll never be actively involved. When really it's just an initial anxiety holding me back that goes away once I feel extremely comfortable. I'm not sure how to get over being so anxious and just not caring what other people think, so I can start attracting the people who don't want to control me. That's the theory I have for why this keeps happening anyway, idk if anyone else has had this issue too.
  4. Does anyone feel like there are just too many things that have happened, that you can never escape it all? That its marked you? I feel like my life has just been one thing after another of people hurting me whether intentionally or not. I grew up extremely religious and saw a lot of abuse and experienced some with that. I was psychologically terrorized by my best friend as a teenager who was being abused herself. I was misdiagnosed as a young adult and went through hell with the mental health system because of it until they finally settled on the real issue years later. My ex husband psychologically abused me much like the friend and also forced me to have sex many times, in addition to other abuse. Another boyfriend threatened people around me and was very scary in general. I've had several incidents with men that were harassment or coercion. I just got out of a relationship where I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. I did handle that one much better and got out faster than in the past, but I'm just so tired. I don't get why I attract all this, especially since I recognize it faster now and do know how to put a stop to it. I'm worried it'll never end and I just am so tired of trying or caring about anything anymore. :/ I've done everything I can to take control of my life. I have a promising career. A ton of hobbies. Am very independent. Lots of friends. But when it comes to very close relationships, I just can't escape finding abuser after abuser. It makes me want to give up.
  5. Thanks. I'm still waiting to hear if it's been served yet. Not knowing has made me pretty anxious. I also keep doubting whether I was justified in doing it, since he hasn't contacted me directly recently. But he was sending pictures of me (the content I don't know) and the stuff that happened was definitely bad, and every time I've given him the benefit of the doubt before has proved I should not trust him. But I keep wondering if I did the right thing or not...
  6. Thanks everyone for the support. Just an update... I decided to file a restraining order because he was still communicating with friends about me and finding subtle ways to harass me, and stole money from me as well, and I felt it was smarter to file now when it was still close to the abuse incidents and I had a stronger case to get one. I'm very nervous what his reaction will be though. A judge just signed for it to be served and I'm worried he'll react badly and at the very least make me go to court to contest it. 😕
  7. I don't know the whole story obviously and I understand how hurt you've been, but I would really caution you against comparing your children to your abuser at all. Especially with your son still living with you, the power dynamic is very different. Your son legally has to be there in addition to just being a teenager with hormones, and him having conflicts with you over cleanliness standards is very different than a partner who chooses to be there intentionally taking advantage of you. You're the one in power over him, for obvious and good reason as he's the child, but that means it's normal for him to push back at your rules. Doesn't mean you shouldn't enforce those rules, but I think comparing him to your abuser at all is going to be very detrimental. And if he picks up on this, he's going to feel very invalidated and resentful. I know it's hard not to compare when you've had such bad experiences, but children are a very different dynamic since they have much less say in anything. Family counseling might be a good idea if you can, to help you and them understand the other. You also have to remember that they experienced the abuse like you did, even if it was second hand. That's traumatic for them like it was for you, and complicates their relationship with you. That's not your fault at all but may explain the tension with you and them. I don't mean to be harsh or blame you at all. I just think it'd be much healthier not to put an abuser label on them or compare them to your ex partner since the relationship dynamics are so different. Boundaries are absolutely fine, but labeling and comparing them risks not seeing the whole picture which will make the conflict worse. Remember they are people with hurts just like you from this horrible experience and it's only by communicating and working together that your relationship with them will improve, which it sounds like you're trying your best to do.
  8. I had just moved to a new city when I left my ex husband. I think knowing I would be free of the drama you mention helped me do it. For me, it helped to be in a new city, away from mutual friends. In my case he actually lived in the same city but it was still the new environment and being able to start a new life that helped me. I now have a very strong support system here that really helped when I left a recently abusive ex. So only you know what's right for you, but I personally recommend moving away to start over if you have the means to do so and no strong ties where you are now. Just if you do do that, really make sure you build a strong support system in the new place so you don't get isolated. There's things like meetup.com that can help you find friends with mutual interests and so on. Again only you can decide if that's right for you. But for me I was very lucky to be in a new place where I could start over.
  9. So I've been taking some martial arts/self defense classes for a while. I really like them, both for the physical/exercise aspect and how it makes me more confident I can keep myself safe. However I sometimes get flashback type experiences during them. Was to due to things with my ex husband (who essentially forced me to have sex on numerous occasions and also threatened me many times) and now also do with a recent ex who physically restrained me/kept me confined/and minorly physically assaulted me. I will feel panicky and like I want to run. And dissociate quite a bit. So far I haven't done anything noticeable to anyone else, but I feel like they're getting worse/more frequent. I'm really worried I'm going to have an embarrassing reaction eventually and I also just don't want my bad experiences ruining something I really enjoy. I don't want to tell the instructors what's going on, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't get flashbacks that much otherwise except a few panic attacks when certain discussions have come up with friends. So I'm not sure how to handle it. Is there anything I can do to deal with flashbacks/related panic attacks in a public environment where I need to keep it together and make them less frequent/strong?
  10. Thanks I do think you're right that I have trouble with someone with not as many issues as me. I just worry I'll scare them off and never open up, and so it never goes anywhere. I think the only ones I open up to are the ones who seem like they wouldn't judge me because they're more messed up than me, if that makes sense.
  11. Can you get a lawyer? If you gave up your career to further his, you are probably entitled to alimony in a divorce, since he profited off of you. Asking a lawyer about it might make you feel less financially stuck. As for your feelings on it, of course you'll feel sad and upset. You put a lot of work into this, and even though you know it needs to end, you're losing something you worked for because of his choices. That's very hard to deal with and it's entirely normal for you to feel sad about that.
  12. Yeah... I just don't get why abusive people are the only ones I feel comfortable around. All the guys that are nice (I assume so anyway), that I try to date, I never feel comfortable with and never open up to and so things never go anywhere. It's only the ones that end up acting dysfunctional and out of control that I can feel comfortable around, and so I always end up with them. It's getting so discouraging. It's not even like I grew up that way. My mom had some anger issues and was controlling/isolated me, but never hit me or even called me names. My dad was strict but never abusive at all. I can't figure out why I'm so incapable of connecting to anyone that's not abusive in one way or another 😞
  13. I left. Staying in hotels and in the process of getting my stuff out and getting my own apartment. Realized he's never going to change. I never threatened him or anything like that, but I did say stuff in the last few weeks I don't think I should've just out of anger and hurt and frustration that being nice to him just didn't work. Things like saying he was an a-hole, that I hated him, that he did nothing for me, things like that. Maybe he deserved it to some extent but I still hate being a person who is wanting to hurt someone else with my words, no matter what they've done to me. It makes me feel very bad about myself and makes me wonder if I'm just as at fault. But I know that's not true, because I was repeatedly nice and caring to him for months, as he escalated more and pushed my boundaries further and further. He got like that and far worse when I did nothing wrong, whereas I didn't (and still never crossed lines into threatening or getting physical) until I had been silenced and threatened over and over and felt beyond trapped. I still hate that I didn't leave before I got that angry, but I keep trying to tell myself that that didn't cause the abuse, since the abuse started long before that and he honestly was the most abusive when I was being relatively calm. So nothing I could've done would've changed him, because I did try just about every approach possible, good and bad, and nothing made his behavior better.
  14. I did find out I can get out of the lease if needed. I've decided to give him one last chance, because I have noticed him taking steps to control himself when he gets angry. He still seems to get angry over very little things, but I did notice he kept control when I got very upset the other day and said things I shouldn't have. But if it gets physical again, I'll have no choice. 😕
  15. They're going to send me some information on what my legal options are as to breaking the lease as well as a phone number for local shelters. So at least I feel less trapped now.