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Problemsaplenty

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About Problemsaplenty

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  1. Hey there. I posted here eons ago about my problems and then vanished, as internet users tend to do. I figured I'd come back and write about what's happened since. Also, it's an excuse to ramble, if I'm being honest To recap my situation, I'd been living with my abusive mother. She's a substance abuser, always drinking and smoking, and she has health problems that range from fibromyalgia to dementia more recently. Her abuse has been emotional abuse, she's done plenty to keep me down over the years. She'd get nasty and then forget it, has an incredible aversion to being wrong even when sober, and throws tantrums over the smallest things. A real piece of work. I could go on with horror stories for hours, but that's a decent enough explanation. Being stuck with her for decades has left me with depression, emotional problems and the occasional suicide attempt. I'm 33 by the way, a real late bloomer thanks to her interference. I started making some real progress in the last year and a half though. It started by getting a bus pass. I learned the routes and started to get out more. Then I signed up for a driving school and learned how to drive. That took weeks longer than it should've because my mother's antics made me reschedule several times. I got some extra practice in by paying a guy off Craigslist to sit in the car as I drove, then I went with my brother Mike to get my license. That was an ordeal, but I succeeded. Upon getting home, my mother did not say anything congratulatory or celebratory, no, she immediately demanded my license info for insurance purposes. That's always how it goes, she always manages to be a downer. So, suddenly I could drive. That helped a ton. A month and a half later, I applied for my first job and got it, working at a grocery store. Nothing glamorous, but hey, it was work. Cue her ranting about how I'd fail because my pant legs were too long. Really. That sort of pettiness happened daily. My working was her excuse to start demanding money from me, and then cutting me off entirely in terms of finances - she'd been supporting me because I was unable to get work prior. I worked at that job for six months, and then things came to a head. We got notice from the office, after many warnings, that we're being evicted from the apartment we were in because my mother kept smoking indoors over and over, breaking the no smoking clause on the lease. She went outside to smoke at the apartment for the first year and a half, which was fine, all of a sudden she just stopped caring. She swears to this day that she never smoked in the apartment... sometimes WHILE smoking, as my brother has witnessed. Thankfully it wasn't a true eviction, because I'd been a model tenant they let us just pay our rent and leave. So I had my license, I had income, but suddenly I had 30 days to find my own car and my own housing. Obviously my mother wouldn't lift a finger to help me, since she jumped between caring about me and despising me on an hourly basis. After checking some apartments and engaging in general panic, I took an out that I had - a friend/former romantic interest of mine in Texas offered to take me in, no matter what, if I needed safe harbor. So I took him up on that offer, and got to packing. A week before the deadline, my friend drove up all the way up to Illinois, got me and my stuff, and drove back. That was a 22 hour trip each way. He really does care about me. My mother's final words to me? "Good luck and good riddance". Ugh. I will never forget that. That was a month ago. I'm living with my friend and his wife, rent free, and they feed me too. I've been doing my part, and have taken on every last household chore which is a huge relief for them. It's like, how did I live before this? I can go out to the kitchen anytime without fear of harassment. I don't have to stockpile food in my room so I don't go hungry when the kitchen's unavailable due to someone being on the warpath. I don't have to keep my door locked, and sometimes barricaded, at all hours. I'm with people I trust and care about who feel the same, and for the first time in decades, I feel SAFE. I have to figure out things, find work, so on and so forth, but now I can do actually do so without someone trying to drag me down and ruin me. There's issues here, I didn't know their dog is a piss tsunami, but really, none of my options were perfect and it's nothing I can't live with or work through. Life always has it's rainclouds. As for my horrid mother, she basically didn't even try to move out. She conned a lawyer who goes to the same church as her to get her three extensions with the office, who did formally evict her. She was there up until the last day or so before the police got involved. Her church took pity on her and helped her find a place and move her mountains of trash. Now she's living in a one-bedroom apartment that's $1300 a month. She's doomed. She'll either run out of money with her poor financial decisions within months, or she'll get evicted again after smoking indoors more and flaunting the rules. And I don't care. After what I've dealt with over the years, she's dead to me. My brother is keeping tabs on her and keeping me up to date. The hammer is going to hit her HARD, because karma is definitely a thing in this case. Well, that's my story. Moral is, kiddos, always reach out, make connections, and don't give up. You never know who might save your life.
  2. Hoping, I respect your view, glad it worked for you, but I personally gave up on religion decades ago. Bennu, I know an easy way, but I'm pretty sure I'd get in trouble if I said anything more The moving is a long story, but short version, the person I live with swore up and down we'd be able to afford this apartment, and nope! Not the case. People who say money can't buy happiness are either rich or full of it.
  3. Why do I exist? I was informed today that I'm gonna have to move again. Well gee, I sure am glad all my struggles of the last six months getting us here were for nothing. It just never ends, one problem immediately follows another. People like to say suicide is "selfish" or a "tragedy" or whatever, but let's face it... my life doesn't matter. Most human lives don't. There's billions and billions of people on this earth. I'm fairly certain that most of those billions, from all walks of life, could die and nothing of value would be lost. The human condition is ultimately meaningless when the grand majority of people are forgotten and essentially don't exist five years after death. I'm supposed to feel bad for removing myself from the melting pot? We contribute nothing and history will not remember us. I mean, who would my death affect? It wouldn't affect my family. My psycho abusive mother would be destroyed, but then she's done enough damage to get me to this point so I don't care. My family is simultaneously distant and uncaring enough that few tears would be shed. All of my friends are online - to them I just wouldn't be logged in, they probably wouldn't even notice. My one friend that's actually in the area is far enough away that he might not ever learn what happened. Not so much punching a hole in a network as it is causing a tear that someone might eventually notice. I guess I'm posting this out of some weird desire to have my words seen, but not really at the same time. No one I know will see this and very few people here will read this, I imagine. I liken it to hiding in plain sight, something that I unintentionally do on a daily basis. I don't know. That probably doesn't make sense. I should go back to bed.