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About clurichaun

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Not where I belong
  • Interests
    Creation and destruction

Recent Profile Visitors

212 profile views
  1. Take her to the library and look at some abuse books together. Let her know you support her no matter what. If you feel comfortable invite her to join this site to read other stories like hers and see that she doesn't want to get herself back in once she's out.
  2. For england! lolololol Thank you I love our place
  3. The truth is I wish he would hit me. I'm more afraid that he'll do something worse. But I'm a big girl and tough and I want him to hit me. He'll get in my face and scream at me and stand in my way and block me from passing by him. the worst fights I'd stay in his face daring him begging him to just punch me because it would hurt less and I'd have a case against him that i could take to the police.
  4. Thank you. I do try. *Update my car died this morning. I'm even more trapped and behind on every bill he is super supportive and going to help me get through all this. It's another delay. A longer time trapped. But I will try to look into all the things you have all mentioned. We're not married which in a way makes it harder because I can't go to a lawyer and put official paperwork in his face. This is one of those bad weeks. And soon I'll feel that resolve again and I'll follow through. Soon
  5. I know you guys aren't judging me. That's my internal paranoid dialog.
  6. Quaddie: I don't know what step to take next I'm always bad at breaking things down into smaller tasks which is why I'm a terrible housekeeper. Hoping: I know I should go myself. I'm renting but see above, I'm paralyzed by all the steps. I know I have to take one soon. And depression is no joke I hope your treatment is helping. I know this kind of situation does nothing but make it worse. Bennu: I don't have any kids I never did. I have family willing to help but I'm too embarassed to ask for help until I'm willing to take the step to finally get away. They support me no matter what but even here where everyone knows what this feels like I almost feel ashamed of posting about how things are still the same. I'm ashamed that i still haven't done anything because I feel like I'm ignoring everyone's advice. I'm not. I think about all of you and the successes and the choices to endure. I refuse to say failure because I know it's so so so much harder than it looks even when we have similar perspectives it seems so much easier for everyone else. We say "Just do it" "you can do it". And we should never stop encouraging each other. But I somehow turn it into guilt. I tell myself I'm letting everyone down. My inner voice is cruel. At least knowing logically that it's wrong helps. But it's constant. It's like I'm verbally abusing myself in my own head. Now I'm gonna leave work and go home and pretend I'm fine and work on art projects because that's easier than throwing everything into chaos on a Tuesday. Or any week night. Or the weekend when I want to rest. then it's a work night again.....
  7. You thought about me? I hope I was helpful That tends to work for me too but my anxiety takes over sometimes and my brain will shut down. I know I will...I hope soon. I feel like I'm drowning.
  8. Pointing out it's their fault makes us emotionally manipulative. We're verbally abusing them. Obviously.
  9. I hope everything goes smoothly! So proud of you for getting out. I had my chance to speak up last night but I was too scared and clammed up. Stay strong!
  10. You know what they say, "blood is thicker than water." But that's always taken out of context. The whole quote is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Meaning the people who prove themselves can mean so much more than the people you wound up with by the lottery of birth. Some people are lucky and have supportive families. Other people have to find their chosen families who can end up being more of a family than the one they were born to. Don't let anyone tell YOU who is the best support system for YOU.
  11. Mine would ask why he wasn't invited if I wanted to go somewhere without him. He invites me everywhere he goes so I have to do the same. He won't even go out without me and if I don't want to go I'm keeping him from going out. But he won't go alone because he doesn't want to give me the option of going by myself anywhere. And the few times he's gone without me he always invites me so I'd have no reason to go anywhere without inviting him. I'm the bad guy. Always. I've been missing work lately. My depression is really bad so yesterday I got the silent treatment all day and he waited til late to talk to me about it and he was mad because I've been missing work and he couldn't bring it up because he just "knew" I'd see it as an accusation so he couldn't say anything. I pointed out he could ask if I was ok and say he was worried about me but no it's my fault he can't ask anything without being a jerk about it. I told him I wasn't ok and I pretend I'm ok and sometimes I can't pretend and I can't do anything even things I like to do. He asked me to go out to the bar and I said no and he was mad again. I posted something about depression he interpreted as a dig. It's ALWAYS ABOUT HIS FEELINGS.
  12. To stop feeling guilty that the kids birthday is next month and kicking him out right before that will make me feel awful
  13. I dream of doing that. I suffer from major depressive disorder and keep praying for the motivation. It's all in my name. I don't know how much I trust him but when I think about leaving I panic and get too tired and my whole body hurts. It's kinda pathetic. I feel helpless and hopeless. If only I could speak my mind and take my life back this would all be over. I can't and don't and my md office is demanding $75 before I can come back to get refills or see my therapist because I overslept and was half an hour late for my last appointment. I don't have $75. I can't make ends meet. It's all my fault. And my brain is stopping me from making any progress.
  14. And it wounds us all... I'm tired. All the time. I'm tired of him acting like a sullen teenager because he knows if he blows up again he'll be told to leave. Again. He should be gone by now. I dumped him in September. I still hate being intimate. I hate myself for allowing it enough to keep him "happy". I'm tired of financially supporting everything and being the only one responsible about money. I'm tired of having no say in anything to do with his kids but I'm expected to be nice and understanding and provide for them. I do even when he tells me he'll take care of things because they're still at my house. More than I'd really like. He's pretending things are ok. He's trying to FORCE them to be ok.... And I'm letting it happen. I'm not speaking up or saying no or reminding him he should be finding a new place. I put up with the hidden grouchiness because I don't want to escalate it into the past screaming matches. I want to start my life over. I'm always waiting for the right time. I don't have kids of my own. I HATE how he's raising his. He'll hit them if they piss him off or disrespect him. Sometimes. If he's really angry and it seems so arbitrary. But he wants me to not get angry at them if they do something to my stuff. It's always "I'll talk to them" But there's never an explanation of why it's wrong to do things, it's don't do this s*** anymore or I'll f*** you up" They can't explain or be heard. And when they come to me I try to talk to them but I let him know what's going on if it's something important because they're his kids. I let him deal with the bad things but again unless it's a direct attack on him or his things he's like whatever. Even then he blows up for about half an hour then they get away with it. He does a lot around the house and I'm usually exhausted and just lying on the couch. I do cook and I do the dishes and sometimes I get the bug and clean a bit. But i don't feel guilty when I'm responsible for EVERYTHING. I feel lost and broken and I want to sleep forever. I'm tired of over thinking every little action because of how it might be interpreted. Does anyone else arrange their blankets to avoid accidental touching? Or pretend to snore? Does anyone else worry that if you're home by yourself and you leave something a certain way he'll think you had company? That's crazy right? I used an extra towel to clean up the water splashed out of the shower this morning and then hid it in the laundry because he'd wonder why I used 2 towels. He's too nice. Too accommodating. And it's all to guilt me into being nice back so it'll seem we're still together. And why not? I haven't reminded him because any time I did I was told he didn't need it shoved in his face constantly. And when it came up and I said I still want out he said "oh I know this won't work I'm not trying to stay." But he's still there. Not saving any money. Not trying to change anything. And I'm too scared/nice/guilty feeling/empathetic/lazy/tired/brainwashed to stand up for myself.
  15. This ^^^^^^^^