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About Bennu

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    Advanced Member

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    NY state

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  1. My ex's family contacted me but not to fight for his side. They contacted me to be there for me. Sure, they want us to work things out, but they are being supportive. We have been friends for years. Consider that a possibility.
  2. That's all part of the blame shifting. Even the inability to perform is somehow someone else's fault. Little blue pills were too expensive. I had to make him able to perform with some kind of prostitute like magic or something. The fact that I had no desire to do that to a complete a hole somehow wasn't factored into the equation. It makes no sense.
  3. It was triggering all right. I couldn't get anything done for a couple of days after that. Thanks for the support.
  4. Congratulations!
  5. Thank you whitebutterfly.
  6. I agree with Quaddie. You need to focus some on yourself. When someone is in school, they especially need their loved ones to respect the fact that they need to devote a lot of time to their studies. Someone who doesn't is not supporting you and you need supportive people only when you are going through the effort that University takes. I'm sorry. It's difficult to come to terms with that. It's really hard when you have built an attachment. A relationship should consist of two people supporting each other, not one person taking advantage of the other person. Otherwise you will really regret it down the road and I speak from personal experience.
  7. Thank you Melinoe. I was gaslighted by that sort of thing for many years. I've posted about this child on here but didn't have something concrete like I have this time. I was always told, she's a child, give her a chance etc. It is a little sad to wake up and realize that my own darling child was doing that to me. It's good to learn to stand up for myself to prevent further emotional damage and allow for healing. I think that this child is basically like an abuser in marriage counselling who has learned about things enough to blame shift big time. It's a hard thing to come to terms with. I gave up everything for my children.
  8. Well, even if it's genetic, it's my fault for choosing that particular sperm donor.
  9. It's like she has conditions that I have to pass for us to have a relationship with her that she doesn't share with me. Then she turns everything she does back around on me. Typical abuser behavior. I did it to her by choosing her father. I feel so horrible about that. I think that she is having issues in her marriage and she makes herself feel better by abusing me. It sucks. She's a adult now and responsible for her own behavior. I wish I could convince myself of that. I feel so culpable.
  10. Thanks Quaddie, I really appreciate the time and effort you put into that. It is very triggering for me too. I feel that most of my miserable marriage my ex and AC tag teamed gaslighting and making me feel wrong and incapable, and each of them trying to make me their own personal servant. My other child reports similar treatment and avoids contact. It's so sad to see your wonderful little baby being that way. I might have to just let go, but I still hold out hope. Maybe it's time to give up unless a change in attitude is evident. I needed that confirmation that it isn't me. Thank you
  11. You need to protect yourself from having to support him after your break up. I would go talk to a financial adviser and a divorce lawyer before doing it. I'm guessing it's important to file while he's employed, for example.
  12. I sold the house. It was a lot to give up, but I didn't see another way.
  13. Hi, I would love some unbiased opinions on this conversation. One of my adult children and I have a strained relationship. The other adult child thinks the behavior is abusive and I think my ex had too much of an influence which I hope will fade with time. In this case almost all of the conversation was recorded in messaging, so I can ask for another opinion which I can't with a phone call. This went on over a period of almost 6 hours. Thank you for you time. Me (around 6 pm): Want to chat? AC: maybe in a little while? I'm working on stuff rn Me: How long do you think? AC: hm, are you busy tonight? I'll probably work all evening but I could take a little break to talk Me: Just working,not going out AC: ok is it ok if i message you when i'm feeling like having a break? maybe in an hour or so? Me: OK, but I might not get it. I won’t be at the computer the whole time AC: ok well i don't mind talking later Me: or at least not right away OK AC: the only think i'm doing tonight is running Me: OK AC: (around 7 pm) I could talk now but need to do some dishes and cooking so it would be good if we just do voice chat so I can do that at the same time Me Give me 30 minutes AC OK Me If you are so busy, we can talk another time. I love you AC: I'm happy to talk as long as you don't mind doing it while I do dishes Me I'd rather talk to you when you have more time AC: I do have time I have to do the dishes anyway, but this way I have company. It's not exactly going to distract me from the conversation Me (around 9 pm) There were a couple of things I wanted to do that are noisy. I wanted to get them done before it got too late Do you have time to talk now? AC: yeah, but I can't talk for too long give me a few min to get ready Me ok AC: (9:30 pm) i'm set (I called on google chat and AC still had to do the dishes and put me on speaker. I said I would prefer to talk another time when we could do it face to face) Back to messaging: AC: I felt the way you refused to talk to me while I did the dishes was really rude if you have a problem with me doing dishes while we talk, you should communicate that before starting the call instead of saying you'd rather talk when I have more time and trying to wait me out good communication is very important Me: In general, I don't like talking to disembodies voices. I thought I made it clear by asking to talk when you had more time. AC: it was not clear because you didn't say what your problem was I don't understand your problem with talking to "disembodied voices" Me I didn't explicitly state that I didn't want to talk while you were doing other things, but honestly don't think that anyone would AC: that's what a phone call is, and we have spoken on the phone many times Me It is like you can't be bothered to take time for me. I'm not big on phone calls either. I tend to avoid them too. AC: no, it's like I'm busy and I don't have time if we don't schedule it ahead of time well we have had many long phone conversations Me I can't remember the last time AC: I often fit in speaking to people while doing other things (running and cooking, recently) we used to when I was in first year we spoke on the phone often Me I can't hear what you are saying well enough without seeing you too AC: of course you can the video freezes and lags and we have spoken on the phone many times Me I don't want to then AC: ok, thank you for being clear unless we prearrange time, I may only have time to talk to you while doing other things that need doing Me: Who are you to tell me when I can and can't hear. How can you know whether or not I can hear?. I know if I can hear. AC: I'm not telling you when you can and can't hear I am telling you that it is clear that you are lying Me I can't understand well without seeing you AC: that's just not true Me I am not good at paying attention and without seeing you I can't do it AC: we have spoken on the phone many times with little to no trouble with you understanding me Me Not any time in the recent past AC: have you gotten much worse at paying attention in the past 3-4 years? or has your hearing gotten much worse? if so it might be a good idea to see a doctor Me It is rude of you to accuse me of lying AC: it's rude of you to lie Me: It happens in class too I think it's attention I wasn't lying AC: well first you said it was hearing and then you said it was attention initially you just avoided telling me the problem at all it doesn't seem to me like you are being honest you certainly aren't communicating effectively with me as I said before, if you had a problem with me doing dishes you could have said that explicitly so we could have discussed it you could have told me that you don't feel like you're important to me if I'm doing other things when we speak Me You hurt my feelings when you have no time for me AC: and we could have scheduled a time to talk when we were both free thank you for communicating your feelings to me as I said before, I'm pretty busy and I'm not typically free at any given moment when you might message me. if we scheduled time in advance, I could keep that time free so that we can talk if you want to communicate even more effectively, instead of telling me that I hurt your feelings when I have no time for you (which is blaming me for hurting your feelings and saying that I have no time for you when this isn't actually true), you could say that it makes you feel____when I say that I'm too busy to talk to you talking about what happened and your own emotions instead of immediately placing blame on me for hurting you and for not having time for you (which isn't true) can help with having a more productive conversation. I have things to do tonight, so let me know if you would like to schedule a time to talk at some point Me: My feelings were hurt when you kept wanting to wash dishes while talking to me despite me repeatedly saying that I would prefer to talk when you weren't so busy. AC: I think you know that your wording there is equally as unproductive as your original wording. The point is to have a productive conversation about how you and I each feel and what we are each thinking, not to blame me for not assuming a motive which you didn't communicate to me That way we can take action to resolve the problem As it is, I am having a problem (and have many times in the past) with the unkind way you are talking to me I am also having a problem with your poor communication Me It felt like you were pretending not to realize that I didn't want to talk to you while you were doing the dishes AC: no, you were communicating poorly. it did seem like you didn't want to talk to me while I was doing the dishes, but you never stated the problem explicitly (this would have been good communication) and you didn't respond when I addressed the concern I perceived in your messages Me: That is typical of my generation AC: well, it is poor communication I'm sorry that you were raised with a poor communication style that might be something to work on in the future if you want to communicate more effectively you might also want to work on your tone/way of explaining your thoughts, because it was unnecessarily rude and unkind also, while it is not true that I don't have time for you, it is true that I am not actively making time to talk to you - this is because of chronic problems I have with the way you treat me when you are consistently unkind to me, it doesn't make me excited to talk to you Me: I feel disrespected when you tell me how I should talk AC: it's incredibly problematic for you to try to blame me for enforcing boundaries in terms of the kindness I expect from the people I associate with I'm not telling you how to talk I'm telling you that if you don't change the way you speak to me, I will choose to speak to you less often Me I feel like you are unreasonably pronouncing yourself a communication expert AC: I have never described myself as a communication expert I am giving you advice on how to communicate more effectively because you are communication very poorly regardless, the way you responded to my messages is part of a much more significant problem - you are unkind to me on an extremely regular basis I would not stay in contact with anyone else who treats me the way you do because of our relationship I still stay in contact with you but when you treat me like this for not making time for you... why would that encourage me to make more of an effort? Me I only stated that I don't want to talk with you when you are doing the dishes. How is that being unkind? AC: your tone throughout this conversation has been unkind the way you talk to me on a regular basis is unkind Me I did it in a round about way because I considered it the kindest way to do it AC: I have pointed out instances of this many times I'm talking about your tone in the rest of the conversation Me I considered it kinder to say that I will talk to you when you have more time than it is to say I don't want to talk to you when you are doing dishes AC: I and many people I know think it's kinder to be clear when communicating but I am not referring to that portion of the conversation anyway I don't really expect you to change the way you treat me since I have mentioned this many times and you only make an effort to be kinder when you worry that I will cut contact with you again for the foreseeable future I will probably not have time to speak to you, because I am busy with work, class, activities and people who treat me with kindness and respect this conversation has reminded me of how unpleasant I can find our interactions and has put me off of having more any time soon
  14. I'm sorry hoping. Most men are not abusers. People have sex because they want to, not because they are obligated to. Abusers ruin sex for their partners with these attitudes.
  15. I'm sorry. The things he said about your parents are revealing his own true motivations. My ex did that too.