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About Vanilli

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  1. Hi everyone. I have been out for 2 years now (yay!). Sadly, I went on to develop Complex PTSD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Although I have found a fabulous therapist that specialises in Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing - a trauma therapy that is great for PTSD, this has allowed me to live symptom free from my PTSD most of the time - though I still struggle with the Complex aspect (Which involves poor self image, trouble with relationships and sensitivity to criticism - and emotional flashbacks, such as heartache and depression). Having written this all out and thinking about what my crazy ex did to me (which covered EVERY kind of abuse and left me very traumatised), one of the things I struggle very badly is being able to forgive myself - it has gotten better and I am really working on it, but I guess I feel I cannot talk to any of my friends because I feel scared they will judge me or see me differently - I think it's hard for anyone who hasn't been through abuse to know what it's like. So, when I was 19 - I didn't plan to do it, but when I was 19/20 I entered into an emotional affair - I never kissed the person or did anything else, but I had definite feelings and after my ex isolated me and broke me down, this person was really kind and I didn't have any family or close friends at all really, and I was just repeatedly drawn to him because he was kind. However, this is now something I feel so, so bad about - which in a strange way feels really warped because i know it's not the person I am and it seems odd that I would feel guilty towards someone who emotionally, physically and sexually abused me and harmed in so many ways. I guess i don't give a crap about him but as someone who makes such a point of always doing the right thing and who always tries to be kind, I feel so much guilt, shame and self-condemnation over my emotional affair. I also feel that it happened at a time when I didn't love my ex anymore, but I felt trapped and hurting - I'd tried to leave before, but he would manipulate and bully me when I tried to break off our relationship. I felt so trapped and stuck and the kindness from this person and what we shared helped me get out. Sadly, I went back to him after after that helped me feel strong enough to leave, because he said he'd change and I was really struggling. I wish I hadn't because the sexual abuse (including assault) and the threats to my life began afterwards and I then went on to develop PTSD. Anyway, I just still feel so tortured and sad about this and like i am a terrible person, and i try to fight myself that it's not the core of who I am - all my good friends always tell me that I'm so kind and I can't even remember the last unkind thing I said to anyone, I volunteer with the homeless and people in mental health - but I just can't shake the thoughts that I'm terrible person for having that affair. It just makes it really hard sometimes. And everyone around me always speaks so judgmentally of affairs and i totally get it, because I would to and I don't condone or agree with that behaviour, but I just can't help but feel i'm a bit of a turnips person for doing it. I guess it happened 5 years ago and i just want to get to a place where I'm like, "Yes, that was wrong but I'm not a completely terrible person for it." I need to stop beating myself up. It's something I did as a traumatised teenager and i want to be able to forgive myself now, or at least stop seeing myself as a terrible person because of it. I guess I am asking for some help to do that from you lovely ladies who maybe understands how it feels. And please if anyone has any criticisms of me to share, I really understand :), but please don't share them here. Because it's everything I tell myself everyday - I am racked with guilt and beat myself every day even though it was 5 years ago - so i'm really asking for anyone to please not add to it because I don't feel it will help. I'm just asking for some help, as someone who has made a mistake.
  2. Yep, they really do not change, only once you are out do you see what a sick psychopath they were. I got out - it was so hard but I did it. I got EMDR therapy and it has been wonderful - it's really helped heal a lot of the trauma for me. Get out, get to therapy, get your life back on track :).
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  4. My relationship included sexual assault, as well as emotional abuse, a violent threat and instances where he shoved and shook me. I feel so stressed and pressured like I need to take him to court about the assault - but I feel hopeless and helpless like there is no point, I want to do it but I feel like I will be putting myself through a horrible retraumatusing experience that won't end up anywhere - I don't remember specifically when the assault even happened and we stayed together afterwards because even though I knew it wasn't 'right', I didn't realise that was what it was. It was also like two years ago, if not more (I can't even remember when specifically it was) - I feel like these things mean I won't have a hope in hell... I feel so stressed and pressed like people are saying "you should go, have to go", but having assessed it I feel like there is no point and I feel so powerless but I don't want anything to happen to someone else , yet stressed because I feel like people aren't understanding or can't understand... I've also studied how brutal and retraumatising that those court cases can be, to the point of women killing themselves. WTF is there no one around to help us? And not to mention, the a-hole isn't even in the country anymore. Anyone have any advice?
  5. Oh honey, I still had to do the gut wrenching, heart breaking, soul splitting work of dragging myself out of that door. That's what we all have to do. “nobody can save you but yourself. you will be put again and again into nearly impossible situations. they will attempt again and again through subterfuge, guise and force to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly inside. nobody can save you but yourself and it will be easy enough to fail so very easily but don’t, don’t, don’t." It's really hard to get to that point, it's hard to do it and once it's done the fall out is hard as hell to deal with, it's like the fall out from a nuclear bomb. Yet as time goes on, you learn to work harder for your happiness and you learn to change your thoughts, and work with your feelings, and most days you are happy. Don't say never, I'd recommend starting some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, changing those negative thinking styles of "I'll never be happy" etc, was key in getting me out and is key in keeping me sane and happy. It's tough but the only way to get out and to be happy once you are out is to do that kind of thing :). And you can do it :). And you can find someone - I have the loveliest boyfriend now and thought I'd never find someone but an abuser!! There's so much hope once you're out, this isn't life, it isn't everything - promise!
  6. Thank you ^_^!! You are right!!! xxxx I guess for me it was like painful because it was like "wow, you don't care and never did." Weirdly kind of freeing!! Anyway, I went out for a lovely night of cocktails and I had a great night! So everything moves on! I was proud of myself because I found it very hard and painful and I managed those feelings and managed the emotional flashback (I have C-PTSD, so I get painful emotional flashback that can lead into a shame/you aren't good enough spiral and I did go there but then I managed to dig myself out and say "you know what? This doesn't reflect you or define your worth!")
  7. I am half amused, half in shock, very much feeling bad for that poor girl!! They have only possibly been together 6 months, this is frying absurd?! Think he met her in Vietnam. Abusers are so dumb and crazy!! But it half really hurts my heart, like this is how much I frying mean to him that he got married like a year or so after we broke up? Just like desperate and floundering. Idiot. Why does this hurt? Why does it make me mad? Because it's like I loved someone who didn't really love me or see me as a human being. What a joke. I don't know why I find this so disrespectful and embracing, well I guess I would more if it weren't such a joke!! *rolls eyes*
  8. I remember this feeling well; HE is creating an aura of confusion and smoke in order to keep you subjugated. It's what they do: when you get out you see how much more clearly you can see them. As my counsellor says they are 'pathetic little bully boys'. You wouldn't be on this forum if there was't something seriously wrong, something that no human being should have to suffer or be put through.
  9. I used to feel this way jadex, it's called a trauma bond: they do far more damage than good and they don't change because they don't care how much pain they cause, they only care about themselves and what the want. People aren't people to them, they are just juice/supply.
  10. Hi Honey!! Oh my gosh I;m sorry sorry - it must be so incredibly painful for you right now!! <3!! STAY strong though, I left my abuser and recently got with a non abusive man and the difference is like NIGHT and DAY - you are so much calmer and happier and have a safe space to be YOU, which you don't have with an abuser - you are just constantly afraid and upset and in pain! You deserve to feel safe and happy and to be taken care of and treated like a human being: he is not capeable of those things. If he was really capeable, wouldn't he give you time to see that, rather than desperately grab a ring to propose: he is doing that because he is desperate, he knows he is not capable (and frankly could not care, because they CANNOT see past themselves) so he's going to grab a ring and propose, because then he has you trapped. He's doing EVERYTHING to get you back and it's quite scary and a massive sign of emotional unhealth that he can go from zero to 100 SO QUICKY - it shows how disgenunie it is. My ex, contacted me four months after our break up to say how he had changed and blah blah blah, and I thought "what 5 years of abuse and then in four months you're a new man? Hell no". Same with your guy. These guys are dangerous, harmful and cannot and will not (REFUSE to) change. Do you have anywhere you can go? You should try to go no contact as soon as you can!! For your own good, wellbeing and safety! Don't fall for this turnips!! You will just keep seeing the cycle I promise you. So he can be violent to you and sexually abuse you (the most sick and harrowing thing a human being can do to another human being) and things are going to get better? No. You're not even married yet, and that's when things always get worse. Things will get worse, you need to focus on the CYCLE, he is hoovering you and the honeymoon will be over as soon as you know it and the abuse will be back. P.S. People don't rape and physically abuse people because they are taking too much testosterone - they do it because they are sick in the head!! That counselor is a clueless fucktard and their naivety is damaging and stupid. Try to see this from an external perspective: if someone started physically abusing and sexually abusing a stranger - what would you think of them psychologically and how likely would they be to change? I'm frightened for you and don't think you are safe in your house, please get out.
  11. Aww that's so lovely! Much love to you ! I feel the same!! Wish I had some more amazing women in my life too but I have some and I have all of you!! We are wonderful and we need to remember, you're so right!!
  12. I don't mean this in a mean way at all, and I totally get all the analysis we do on them but I'm at the place where I am like "who cares?". Who cares if they are insecure, they are sick f words irregardless of the cause or motive. There's no soloution, there's them and their malice.
  13. Thanks everyone, that's a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes it's just overwhelming feeling like you are surrounded by assholes or people who judge you, I'm sure not everyone does, but sometimes it feels like drowning in a frying sea of it. It's so helpful that you guys get it, wish I had friends like you all in real life - thanks so much for your kindness and taking the time to reply. You're right, the only way up is out and actually I have been regaining a lot of myself: I have always been a very tough person on the inside who was strong and assertive and my a-hole ex whittled that away (well my self-esteem was at rock bottom when we met...so I don;t think it was him). It's good to see that coming back and my self-esteem and feelings of joy but sometimes I wish I could just take a pill and forget about all of it. Thanks MyThoughtsMatter, you're right - the only way is up ! Thanks for the reading recommendations - I can do this! Thanks so much hoping *hugs to you*! Thanks Bennu, love to you, hope you are doing okay! Thanks very much Diamonds, you always give great practical advice and are always understanding. Thanks very much for these vids - have you tried any of his courses? I want to look into them when I have more money. Thanks Quaddie for your advice! So sorry to hear about your terrible siblings, I REALLY feel that feeling awful and less than after I'm with her. It just f words me off, because I've always been there for her and all she's ever been is a frying a-hole - guess that's on her and you're RIGHT, I need to get rid of her. It's tricky though, we are off on a family holiday where my family will push us together - signing up for a room together - but hey, I'll ignore her donkey and tell her that anytime she tries to shame me or bring up my abusive relationship in that way, then I'm going to bring up the truth of her past abusive relationships - which I know happened just as mine did - think that will shut her up, the narcissist. I don't want to, but this is a last resort - get her to stop talking then ignore and avoid. She won't dare do this to me anymore. How dare she use me to make her self feel better and bare face lie about it, pathetic and lame and weak. Thanks Kanga, sorry to hear about your sister; it's pretty heartbreaking, your sister is meant to love you and always have your back. Traitorous.
  14. I definitely have some kind of PTSD, whether it's chronic or not, which it probably is. Anyway, I live with a soul-crushing amount of pain; it feels like I am heartbroken, I get anxious, I feel hypervigilant, basically all of that and it is so draining. The other week I was taking the bus and suddenly this OVERWHELMING rush of terror flooded over me - it was so horrible. Sometimes I can't take all this pain. I was so happy and optimistic when I FIRST got out, but all this pain was just buried. I had some months of it, then it got better and now it is all back again - it hurts so much; sometimes I cry out from the intense physical pain in my heart and I beg for it to stop; I get frightened I'll die of a heart attack. I know things can only get better and that at least I'm out, but sometimes I despair they never will. All the love has worn off, and I am just left with the reality of the sheer horror of what he has done to me; the constant criticism (which I didn't even notice). the destruction of my self-esteem (I am slowly but surely getting this back), the harrowing sexual abuse (I really frying suppressed all that - I put myself in such denial, I couldn't take not being safe in my own bed next to the person I loved and who was supposed to love me: how fucked up is that?). I'm also coming to terms with my sisters abuse and how much she frying hurt me, which is just as bad: as my sister should have been there for, I expected too much of her and thought I could see humanity where there was none (that's on her, she's a fake a-hole, like he is - they have no real humanity - but they can play pretend and the kind hearted fall for it). She always acts like I'm to blame and told me I 'took turnips to my face' (ouch - even though I always stood up for myself - I hate societal victim blaming - people have no idea!), which is a funny projection of her own feelings of shame coz she's been in a million and one abusive relationships- wish I could find a way to get her to STOP talking about it because it's severely re-traumatizing and horrific to listen to and I don't deserve it. But she's a covert narcissist so I feel like it will just induce the narcissistic rage and make it so much worse (cue the helplessness). I'm starting therapy soon and have been reading about trauma. Music helps so much and yoga (movement is apparently so important for healing yourself !). Self-compassion meditation is a necessity as well. On the bright side. I'm getting much better at realizing my worth and who I should and shouldn't be around. My work life is really looking up; I'm doing something I'm good at and really love and have the freedom and luck of working remotely. I have the peace of being able to do what I want, I can go wherever the hell I want. When I am not suffering from the intense emotional pain (which is sometimes there for many days and visits daily most of the time), I actually feel some really wonderful moments of joy and confidence (I know this will get better when I find some more genuine friends; but waking up to how many assholes/narcissists there are in my life). I also really like enjoying the physical side of things with my current bf, when I don't get triggered, which is sometimes; which is nice coz I NEVER liked sex with my ex, I never understood all the fuss (he was my first). I'm sorry if this adds to anyone's suffering or unhappiness; I'm not getting treatment yet so...I wouldn't fee like we are all doomed for the same fate forever. I'm sure things can only get better, especially with the right support and help and I do feel better sometimes, I guess there's just a lot of pain to get through. Anyway, I'm rambling. I just needed to let it all out, I guess I'm ashamed sometimes, I don't want to be weak; I wish I could let go and be above it (but I'm not weak, I'm strong like all of you). I know you ladies will understand me , like no one else can.
  15. Honestly, standing up for myself only ever made everything worse, I wish I just opted out all the time, but I couldn't, I defended myself and put him in his place right until the end; at least I can be kind of proud of that. But then it doesn't matter what they do, they STILL abuse us; it makes ZERO difference, because THEY are the malignant problem, not us. They project it onto us, but all that turnips is in them.